The Silence of Being Just Beth – Beth H.

About This Speaker Tape

1988, Fort Myers Airport. Beth H. is broke, hungover, and contemplating stealing a purse from a retired lady who might actually be fit enough to fight back.

She describes a life spent as a "50-yard dash person in a five-mile world," driven by a loud, unfriendly noise in her head that made being alone an impossible task. From the "dance of death" in a stupid marriage to the wreckage of child endangerment arrests, she admits she was a professional test-taker who could ace treatment but couldn't stay surrendered. She speaks of the "gaping silence" of just being Beth, a void she filled with cheerleading, booze, and a desperate need to justify her space on earth.

After years of treating her mother as a convenient place to lay every problem, Beth found a Higher Power not in a sudden event, but in the discipline of staying active in the rooms. She traded the noise for the peace of finally being able to sit in a quiet room.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Beth H. introduces herself and jokes about being the 'token newcomer' despite 23 years sober.
• 6:15 Beth discusses the 'voices in her head' and her early misunderstanding of self-centeredness.
• 12:40 A story about her daughter's swimming experience and the difference between alcoholic and non-alcoholic thinking.
• 18:20 Beth describes her 'last call' romances and her refusal to admit mistakes.
• 25:10 Details of her time in Florida and the 'stupid' marriage that followed.
• 32:45 The arrest for child endangerment and the impact on her mother.
• 38:10 Beth describes her 'mini-surrender' and reading Bill's story in the Big Book.
• 45:30 The rock bottom at the Fort Myers airport and her return to detox in Cincinnati.
• 52:15 The moment a stranger took her hand during the Lord's Prayer, which she identifies as 12-Step work.
• 58:40 Discussion of the Big Book meetings and the process of writing her first four-column inventory.
• 65:10 The story of her children regaining their trust in her and meeting her husband, Chuck.