The Sex Inventory and Relationships – Big Book Workshop – Part 4 of 5 – Mark H.

I needed to stop doing that. And I wrote some inventory, and I made some amends to some women I've been flirtatious with. See what I'm saying? How much freedom do you want? That's always the question. How much free will you give me? How much of freedom do we want? And I got free of that. That's not necessary for me to do anymore. It goes on to say, Mark, where your actions arouse jealousy, Where did they arouse suspicion? Where did the arouse bitterness? Where were you at fault, Mark? And the last and most important question, Mark, what should you have done instead? You know what I found out my first time through the work with Don? When he said, what should I have done instead based on my motives and how I think and act? I had no business ever being in a relationship with a woman. The best I had to bring to the table was I was selfish, self-seeking. My motives were not kind. My two primary motives for many years in relationships were sex and companionship. Now, I'll tell you how you get free of that. When you look at the next paragraph, it says in this way, meaning if I do this work, I try to shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life. In this sheet that I have definitions, I define sane. It means having or showing sound judgment, mentally healthy of sound mind. That's the definition of seeing. Definition of sound is free from moral defect, upright, honorable, marked by or showing common sense and good judgment level-headed. Let me give you an example. If boy meets girl in AA, girl tells boy she got out of a divorce a month ago So, if you have a sane and sound ideal in your life, you probably will not get involved in a relationship. But if you're like me, you never had any power to not until I did this work. Now you look at the definition of ideal. It's a conception of something in its absolute perfection, an ultimate object of endeavor or goal, an honorable or worthy principle or aim. So I get through with all this work. Here's what I do. Don gave me an exercise. He said, write down the 20 characteristics that you want to bring to every relationship you have. See, he fooled me. I thought the sex inventory was about sex. It's not. It's about my relationship with every one of God's kids. Men, women, child, institutions, everyone. So I make a list of 20 things and I bring it back. I wind up cutting that down to five. And my last time through the work, I'll share with you what those five are. If you're in a relationship with Mark Houston on a daily basis, I ask God to give me the power to bring these five things to every relationship. Here's the first. I bring to you my relationship with my loving Father. Number one, most important. Number four, I bring to you a willingness to live my life by spiritual principles. Number three, I brings you a sense of my oneness with the universe. What does that mean? That means that almost everything is sacred to me and I treat everything with respect and dignity and honor. Number four I bring you communication and number five I bring humor. my prayer on a daily basis is that God show me how to bring these five things into every relationship I have with every human being on the planet earth men, women, children employers everybody now on my own power I don't have the capacity to bring those in that came about through writing this crazy inventory called the sex inventory and then asking God to move me toward a sane and sound ideal for my future. Now, the book goes on to say we subject each relationship to this test is it selfish or not? I ask God to mold my ideals and help me to live up to them. I need to remember always my sex powers were God-given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed. whatever my ideal turns out to be, those five things I just mentioned, I must be willing to grow toward that ideal. I must being willing to make amends where I have done harm provided I do not bring about still more harm in so doing. Let me give an example. When I went to make Amends to some women in my past that I had affairs with who were married, I did not go make Amens to their husbands because I would have created more harm. But it was necessary for me to make an amend to them. Did I wake up one day and want to do that? No. Some of you can relate to this. Some ofyou can relate to being drawn into situations where you had no power to not be in it. And then once you got in it, you didn't have the power to get out of it. I had that happen enough times to me and I knew eventually I was going to drink alcohol. so I did a lot of work in this area goes on to say in other words I treat sex as I would any other problem now I'm going to be given a spiritual tool that I can take into meditation in meditation I ask God what I should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if I want it God alone can judge my sex situation now I do get some instructions in here says counsel with other persons often desirable But I'm going to let God be the final judge. I realize some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. Now look at the next sentence. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. Now, let's say that you've written the ideal. I have this ideal. The next paragraph speaks to me. Mark, suppose you fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean you're going to get drunk? Some people tell you so, but this is only half-truth. It depends, Mark, on you and your motives. If I am sorry for what I have done and I have an honest desire to let God take me to better things, I believe I will be forgiven and I will have learned my lesson. Now look at the warning. If I'm not sorry and my conduct continues to harm others, I am quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. these are facts out of our experience. I warn people in AA that I've done work with. I never tell them. See, I'm a different kind of sponsor. There are sponsors you go to and you present a dilemma. Well, Mark, I am in a relationship over here but I got this thing going on with this married woman on the side. They'll say, oh God, you got to stop. I don't. I tell people, bop till you drop. Do it till you can't do it anymore. Because if you could have stopped, you would have stopped. Every time I go to Don with something like this, I hope you get a sponsor like this. I take the most tragic and insane things to him. He'd go, isn't... Let me give you an example. Five years sober, in a relationship, and I'm having sex with two married women on the side. And I go up to Don because I'm crazy, right? And I tell him this. He starts laughing. He said, this is fantastic. I said, what do you mean this is fantasy? This is fantastic! I feel guilt, shame, remorse, da-da-da. He said Mark, this ist fantastic. He said, maybe you're through doing that and now you're really willing to get honest and go in and do some work and let God remove that from you. Now look at him like he's crazy. Once again, here's the problem, right? I'm in this thing I don't want to be in and he tells me I've got to go over here to get the solution. And I went over there and got the solution and I've never done that since. See what I mean? See how the process works? This next paragraph gives me a set of instructions to sum up all the information on sex. If some of you are in a relationship and would like to see it get better, you get some very specific tools here. It says, to sum up about sex, we earnestly pray for the right ideal. That's the first thing we do. I told you I pray in the morning for God to give me the power to bring those five things into my relationships with everybody. For guidance in each questionable situation, Example, well, God, the woman's married but real attracted to me. That's probably a questionable situation. Give me a little guidance. All right? For sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. This takes me out of myself and it quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. There's some incredibly powerful stuff in here that if we're willing to do this work and get honest and take these defects to another person in God, He can give us the power to have awesome relationships. One single area I've struggled the most and most men and women in AA struggle the most. One least talked about area in all of AA. Some of you have been sober for a while. Think about this. How many times have you gone to a meeting? Sherman said, I'd like to talk about the tools in pages 68, 69, and 70. It's like we walk into meetings of AA, most troublesome area of our life, and we don't want to talk it. Secrets. Secrets, secrets. We can't go in and get rid of our false pride. I'll tell you, when freedom came, the day I went to Don, I said, Don, don't I realize something? I don't know the slightest thing about having a relationship with a woman. that took a destruction of ego to be able to say that what the hell do I do and I'm talking about being friends I had some real old day ideas about women I viewed women as one way and it became clear I knew nothing about having a relationship with women until I admitted that nothing was going to change nothing was gonna get different since then I've gone through done a lot of work done a ton of work done a whole lot of tools guess what I see women today just like I see men. We are God's children. There's so much freedom in that. There was a total shift in my perception around me and the opposite sex. Now, we've finished our three inventories. Resentment, fear, sex. Now we can call a sponsor and say we're ready for a fifth step. It goes on to say, If I've been thorough about my personal inventory, I've written down a lot. I've listed and analyzed my resentments. I have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. A resentment is futile because there's no freedom in it, because that person may never change. When are we ever going to reach a place where we can just love people for who they are and understand they're doing the best they can based on spiritual awareness? But we run around all the time saying, if he had changed, if she had changed if they would change. Do you know how much freedom there is in being able to love God's kids exactly as they are? To love the man or the woman that's in your life exactly as they are, to not change them. The greatest gift I can give anyone I ever interact with is to love you exactly as you are support you in whatever it is you're doing help you bop till you drop. Why? Because at some point in time you'll have the same experience I had to have. I had it. I had a job that I had to get pretty badly mangled, decided I couldn't live that way anymore, did some work on this book, took it to God and another human being, he took away the defects and I got free. I love all the men and women in my life enough today to let them be exactly who they are. There's moments they're angry with me. There's moments they whine a whole lot, right? But it's so wonderful when I can love everybody just as you are and I can do that based on knowing everyone's where they're at, based on their relationship with their loving creator. The closer I get to God, the more deep and meaningful my relations are, the more I can go in spiritual progress, the less mistakes I make, the less harm I create because I'm not operating out of my character defects. The more freedom I have, the less fear I have. I told you before, I go through this work once a year for a reason. Once you've tasted the honey, you can't ever go back again. Every single time through this Work, my relationship with God reaches a level it's never reached before. And the end result of that is my relationship between myself and you reaches a levels it's never reached for. I'll submit something to you. God is both honoring and blessing me with getting me to travel all over places and carry this message. I could not have done this a year ago. It has taken 11 years and 11 inventories and tons of amends and tons OF mistakes and tons Of pain and tons OFFeer to get to the place where I did the work sufficient to get free of that so I could come and share a message. Wow! That's how it works. That's how it works. The process works. So, it says, I've commenced to see my resentments terrible destructiveness. Look at the next sentence. I have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and good will toward all men, even my enemies, for I look in them as sick people. We talked about that, didn't we? Even my enemies are spiritually sick people. I've listed the people I've hurt by my conduct and I'm willing to straighten out the past if I can? In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from God. If you've already made a decision, third step, and an inventory of your gross or handicaps, fourth step, you've made a good beginning. I remember going to Don one day. I kept waiting for this book. I kept waiting for this sentence. Mark, you've done a lot of nifty work. Take a month off and bask in your glory. It never does that. I worked my ass off and it says you made a good beginning, Mark, and now more action is required. Right? It says that being so, you've swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. Remember I told you in the third step prior to that decision we asked God's protection and care with complete abandon? The reason is in my inventories I saw some truth about myself that made me puke. And here's the other thing I saw. On my own power, I had no power to not do those things tomorrow. That's what I saw in all those three inventories. I've seen that 11 times. I'm on my 12th inventory, and I see it once again. I see what my ego does with the power, love, grace, and freedom I've been given in this program after operating at 10-11 for about six months. Here's another reason I do inventories, go through the work once a year. It's because it keeps me clean. The stuff that separates me from God, it keeps my mind clean. It keeps me cleaning with it because I write inventory. I can't imagine being an AA going five years without doing inventory. JD's got experience with that. He had to do the work three times over 16 months. I think in those three inventories he wound up with about 150 resentments. Why? He hadn't done the work in eight years. Understand something. Those were 150 resentment times about column 3 times 700. Is it any wonder he's blocked from God, himself and you? Think about that. Think about this. We're going to stop here and we will go down and have some lunch. And then we're going to come back to chapter 6 into action. Chapter 6 into Action has seven steps in one chapter. Let's close. Thanks. My name's Mark, and I'm an alcoholic. like. Let's turn to page 72, chapter 6, into action. I want to stress this again because it's important. Chapter 6, Into Action, took me about five years to understand that into action meant into action, and there are seven steps in these pages, about 17 pages, but the big book spent 53 pages on just looking at the first half of the first step. I think it's real important that you all understand why it's done that way, because I do all the rest of the work in this process as a result of the truth that I see in the first step. And some of you that are perhaps new a little bit to this experience have probably had the realization that you've been around AA and maybe never understood the first step. And your responsibility when you're working with new people is to do what I've done here, which is show you precisely, go through and take a hard look at that first step, use the book, turn statements into questions, find your own answer deep down within based on your experience to answer the question. Am I powerless over alcohol and is my life unmanageable? Is lack of power my dilemma and do I need to find God? And then approaching the third step and meeting the requirement that my life run on my will won't work. I'm always in conflict with the world. And then we went ahead and we looked at the root of our problem, selfishness, self-centered, and then our dilemma is above everything, if we can't get rid of that, we're dead, and there's nothing we can do to get rid of that. I am chained to me and I can't do anything about it, so I've got to find God. How I find God is I quit playing God, and the reason I've gotta quit playing God is it doesn't work. I don't have the power to be God. I only have thepower to be Mark. Then we looked at our third step decision, which is a decision only. God's going to be director, principal, father. Now I'm going to be actor, agent, and child. Then we looked at a whole bunch of prayers. Then we spent some time and we looked at that prayer and we saw three ideas in the prayer. The first is that we offer ourselves to God to build us, do with us as he wants. The second is we ask him to remove us from the bondage of self because we can't. And the third is that we tell him basically that if he'll remove our difficulties, we're willing to go out and bear witness to those we would help of his power, his love, his way of life. And we saw that there's no amen behind that prayer. And now we get down to what the book calls the root of our problem. We're going to look at the causes and conditions. We're gonna look at things that have us blocked from God. We were told in the final analysis deep down within ourselves the only place we find God and the way we do that is to search fearlessly. So in our fourth step is where we begin the work to search fearlessly. And what we do is we write three inventories, a four-column resentment inventory. And you saw where in the first three columns what looks to be the truth by the time I write my fourth column has now become a lie. And we talk about a changed attitude and how to view people and understand that people are spiritually sick just like us and no one ever really intentionally harms us. We harm others based on being spiritually sick. We make mistakes because we're spiritually sick. And we looked at the idea of fear and how much fear dominates our life. And once again, we don't have any power to get rid of the fear. And then anytime I'm in fear, it's because I'm into self-reliance. And we're given some tools to help us get out of fear, which is to ask God to remove it. And he will remind us of what we would be as child actor and agent. And then we look at a thing called a sex inventory. And it looks going into it like it's going to be an inventory about me and the opposite sex, but it turns out to be a whole lot more about that. And I take a look at my action and my conduct, and I have to make another list again of people, and I answer nine questions. And I do that to come out with an ideal, a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life, it says. But the book tricks us a little because it winds up being more than that. It winds up Being a Sane and Sound Ideal for what I'm willing to bring to the table in every relationship with every human being that I've ever had. So then we get done looking at that, and now we're into chapter 6, into action. Having made our personal inventory, what should we do about it? It says we've been trying to get a new attitude. That's step 2. A new relationship with our Creator, step 3. And to discover the obstacles in our path, step 4. In inventory, we're going to discover the obstacles that have us blocked from having a relationship with God. We've admitted certain defects. We've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. We have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This will require action on our part, which when completed will mean we've admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the fifth step in the program recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter. This is perhaps difficult, especially discussing my defects with another person. I think I've done well enough in admitting these things to myself. Well, there's doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. I will be more reconciled to discussing myself with another person when I see good reasons why I should do so. The best reason first, if I skip this final step, Rich, I may not overcome drinking. time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives trying to avoid this humbling experience they turn to easier methods it's going to start talking to us about our take it to the grave the stuff we're ashamed of guilt shame and remorse and it's important to pay attention here it says almost invariably they got drunk having persevered the rest of the program they wondered why they fell what they're talking about is people who went through and did all this work, but there were segments in their inventory that they left off and they wouldn't tell anyone. And the warning is that having persevered the rest of the program, they still wound up getting drunk. It says we think the reason is they never completed their house cleaning. They took inventory all right, but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. See, there's two reasons I won't tell you my stuff, my ego and fear. They only thought they had humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough humility, fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all of their life story. Let me smash another myth in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've actually had people I've done the work with, I'll say to them, what kind of inventory did you do? Well, my sponsor had me write a life story. The way we write a life history is we write a resentment inventory, fear inventory, sex inventory, share that with someone, and our life story comes out. You do life stories with therapists. That isn't what the book asks us to do. But we wind up telling our life history using the three vehicles that the big book calls inventories. Now, I think this next paragraph sums us up not only when we're out there drinking and using, but in Alcoholics Anonymous dying from the spirituality. Think about this. More than most people, I lead a double life. I'm very much the actor. To the outer world, I present my stage character. This is the one I like my fellows to see. I want to enjoy a certain reputation, but I know in my heart I don't deserve it. The men and the women that I've done the work with in Alcoholics Anonymous, I allow them to see me and every single one of my defects. I don't want to go around presenting to them that I have done this work and all of a sudden I don�t make mistakes anymore, that I don �t lie anymore, that I �t harm people anymore. My sponsor let me see his humanness. And I let everyone I work with see my humanneness. You understand? I don't present the stage character to the world anymore. You spend some time with me in any environment I'm in, you get me. You don't get a stage character. And you don't give me at meetings of AA. I'm sorry, you don'T get the stage character at meetings OFAA. You give me. I'm not going to walk into AA all the time and tell you my life is perfect. I'll walk into AA and tell you that I've suffered greatly in personal relationships and struggled in career and had financial problems and physical health problems. I think that's important. I think new people, people coming into AA, they need to understand something. I'm always going to be human, folks. I'm stuck with that. And I'm also going to have to be a human being. I'm not always going be trying to grow spiritually and make progress. But I need to show you both sides of the coin. I remember one time going to Don because you hear an AA, make a list of your assets. And he never asked me to do that, and I was kind of hurt. So I went to him, and he said, Don, I hear people in AA, the sponsors tell them, make a list of your assets and liabilities. He said, Mark, you're not going to get drunk because of your asset. You're going to gets drunk because your liabilities That makes sense. So I think this is important. Think about this if you've been an AA for a period of time. How often in means of Alcoholics Anonymous do I present a stage character? Hmm, wonder what that's about. Fear and ego, that's what that is about. Talks about the inconsistencies made worse by the things I do in my sprees. We can have sprees of untreated alcoholism with no booze in us too. Coming to my senses, I am revolted in certain episodes I vaguely remember. See, the first inventory I wrote was easy. I can justify all that behavior I looked at based on alcohol. The ones you write in recovery get a whole lot harder. I'm going to meetings carrying this message talking about God, and I'm screwing this person over. They get a lot harder to look at, you see? These memories are a nightmare. I tremble to think someone might have observed me. As fast as I can, I push these memories far inside myself. I hope they'll never see the light of day. I'm under constant fear and tension. My secrets keep me under constant fear and attention. That makes for more drinking. Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We've spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we've given these doctors a fair break. We've seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else. Small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance for recovery. Now, make a note in Chapter 5 how it works. We were given an instruction that said this manner of living demands rigorous honesty. This paragraph is trying to talk to us about if we're not honest, people in the medial profession realize that an alcoholic has to get honest if he ever expects to recover. But they've had enough experience with us to know that we're pathological liars so their opinion is most alcoholics or addicts are not going to recover. Now look at the next sentence, and this can be a great promise. I must be entirely honest with somebody if I expect to live long or happily in this world. Maybe a promise in there is if I'm willing to be entirely honestly with somebody, I can either expect to leave long or at least for the length of time I'm here be happy. now I'm going to get instructions on who to do this fifth step with rightly and naturally I think well before I choose the person or persons, plural some of you have been around for a while you want a great experience, do what I'm doing this time do an inventory do a fifth step with two or three different people see when I go back through the work every time I go through the works with different people because I'm looking for spiritual growth I've had basically one sponsor but I've done a lot of work with a lot of different people but if you've been around for a while if you're like me I have a harder time seeing truth so maybe consider next time through the work doing fifth steps with a couple different people person or persons says those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must and of course will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty is to receive it Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. It says, of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics. Now, if we cannot or would rather not do this, meaning go into a man of the cloth, we search our acquaintance for a closed mouth and understanding friend. So now I'm getting some criteria for who to do this with. A person needs to be closed-mouthed. They need to be understanding. They need to understand this is an intimate and confidential step. It goes on to say, it says, perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. It may be one of my own family but I cannot disclose anything to my wife or parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. I have no right to save my own skin at another person's expense. Such parts of my story I tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. That's an important criteria in who you do your fifth step with. Understand but who will be unafected. Look for people who've had some of your experience when you do your sixth step. Example, I basically drinking was a slut and a whore. That is the only way I can describe myself. I would like to find another word, but those are the two best words. For me to do a fifth step with someone in that area who's been married to the same woman for 30 years, I don't think so. I need to do a fifth step with somebody who's had my experience and isn't doing that anymore because of their relationship with God. I tell my stuff to one man who's Been Married to One Woman for 30 Years, and his eyeballs would get just like this. Why? Because he would be affected by what I'm telling him, that's why. men that have spent time in the penitentiary do not go find a white middle class Anglo-Saxon who's never spent time in the Penitentiaries to do your fifth step with because when you talk about some of that stuff he has no frame of reference that's why his eyes will go like this too see what the book is trying to say who I do this with is real real important because in my fifth step we're going to hear a little bit further on this fifth step is life and death What's life and death is I must see truth. I don't care who I do a fifth step anymore, but there are certain criteria they need to have. They need to be men and women in this program who've done this work because their whole role is to help me see truth, to move me out of blame, to moveme out of the victim. It's only through seeing truth that I can get free. So that's what I'm looking for when I do it. a fifth step. I'm not looking for somebody to pat me on the back and say, oh, you're forgiven, Mark. I want somebody to help me see the truth. Help me see the truth in my fourth column. Same thing with my sex inventory. Same thing with my fears. So it goes on to say the rule is I must be hard on myself but always considerate of others. Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing myself with someone, it may be one is so situated there's no suitable person available. If that's so, this step may be postponed only, however, if I hold myself in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. I say this because we're very anxious that Mark talk to the right person. Now, I'm going to get some more instructions for who I do this with. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence, that he fully understand and approve what Mark's driving that, that he will not try to change Mark's plan. But Mark must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone. When Mark decides who's to hear his story, Mark wastes no time. I have a written inventory and I am prepared for a long talk. Now I'm going to get some instructions. Whenever I do a fifth step with someone, we read from the big book where it starts talking to me after I'm done with inventories right up to here. Why? Because I'm showing them what I did, and when they sponsor people, they will show them what they did. And at this point in time, here's what the book says. I explain to my partner what I'm about to do and why I have to do it. Next Wednesday, when I'm doing a fifth step in California, I will explain to Joe what I am about to be doing and what I have got to do. Here's what I've got to share three inventories with him. A resentment inventory, a fear inventory, and a sex inventory. Because I'm blocked from God. And if I'm locked from God, I'm going to be dead. And it says, why do I have to do it? That's why I haveと do it. I have то do a fifth step so that God can remove from me the things that have me blocked from Him, myself, and you. So that's what I'm about to do, and that's whyI have todo it. Look at the next sentence. If you don't think who you do a fifth step with and you don' t think who your sponsor is, it's important. Look at the next sentence. I should realize that I am engaged upon a life-and-death errand. You have a right when you are asking someone to sponsor you to ask them a lot of questions. You are talking about your life. if someone has been sober for a long time doing that in the middle of the road God bless them but that don't work for me I'll die in middle ofthe road solution so I ask people a series of questions before I do a fifth step I did not assume this woman who had been sober 19 years in Louisiana I didnot assume because she was 19 years sober that it was ok to do a 5th step I ask her a whole bunch of questions. Things like, do you have a sponsor? Yeah. When was the last time you went through the work? See, she's going through the Work with me in a group this time. Eight women and myself. That's an interesting dynamics. Tell me God doesn't work. I ask if she had made all her amends that she was consciously aware of. What else did I ask of her? I asked her if she sponsored people. I asked if she has a home group. Those are the kind of questions I ask. And if she gave me answers different than what she gave me, I would not do a fifth step with her because God could not use her to help me see the kind of truth that I need to see. So this is a real important part. Who you do the work with is critically important. This is my personal opinion. Every single problem in the fellowship today can be solved by great sponsorship. In that circle and triangle, when the three legacies were passed down to Alcoholics Anonymous, from everything I can tell, the order in which they were passed on was number one was individual recovery. Number two was the unity, and number three was service. You know why? If I'm not in individual recovery, all I'm taking to my home group is all my defects of character. I'm now taking recovery. Now I've got sick groups. Sick groups can't be of service. So the most important key piece is my own individual recovery." And since I can't go through this work on my own, and I want to go through with someone, I'd like to make sure it's someone who's done this work, and not middle-of-the-road solution. It goes on to say, most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They'll be honored by our confidence. So I pocket my pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character and every doubt cranny of the past. Now, I'll just share with you how I do a fifth step. I will have the person reading the fifth step to me, give me the first column, the second column, and the third column. I always have a notepad. I ask God to help me show them see truth. When we're done looking at the first three columns, which they perceive to be truth, I take the first resentment inventory and I go back and I review that page a half of instructions before you move into the fourth, and I do that one time and one time only. my sole function in that fifth step around resentments is to help them see where they're at in the fourth column where are they at fault and to get free of all those resentments that's my role, that is my sole purpose when I'm done with that we read the instructions on the fear inventory and then I have them read the fear inventory all the fears and why they have the fears and then we get to the sex inventory and we read The Instructions out of the book And then I have them tell me their sex inventory. And then out of that, we're looking for some sane and sound ideals to come. Now, I told you something. When someone wants to give you inventories other than what's in the big book to ask them the question, if I use your inventory, will I get seven promises that have been experienced by millions of people? Here's the promises. We never talk about these in the fellowship. They are some of the most powerful in the entire book. it says once I've taken this step withholding nothing highlight withholding nothing, let's take it to the grave stuff I am delighted, first promise I can look the world in the eye second promise I can be alone at perfect peace and ease third promise my fears fall from me fourth promise I begin to feel the nearness of my creator fifth promise I may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now I begin to have a spiritual experience. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, we do not begin to having a spiritual experience until we do a fifth step. If you've never done a fifth step, you are not having a spiritual experience! You are having and operating on certain spiritual beliefs. Which is why we're asked to say the prayer, God, give me your protection and abandon it with complete protection. Those of you who are in this room that have never done a fifth step. You are sober through God's grace, love and mercy. He's given you protection to abandon. But I'll give you a little warning. A friend of mine shares. This is not in the book. Here's what he says. Once I see truth, I don't know how much longer grace is available to me. Meaning, once I've seen the truth in my first step and I've seeing how this works, if I put this off, I don'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER GRACE IS AVAILABLE TO ME. Do you understand what I'm saying? Second step, I commence spiritual growth. I do not begin to have the spiritual experience until I have completed my fifth step. Fifth step. Quick little story about inventory for those of you who are going to bulk it right in it and we all will. But this helps me write inventory. How many of you got kids in here? Okay, almost all of you. If you said to your kids, go down and clean your room, would they go down with great excitement and enthusiasm? How about this? Say to your kids, I've got a deal for you today, son or daughter. You go down to your room and everything in your room you don't want anymore, you pull out and I'm going to take you down and buy all new stuff. They'd run over you to get to the room. What do you think happens to us in inventory? I go into my room, I take all this junk, all these defects and I take it to God and He gives me all new things. I take my dishonesty to Him and He give me honesty. I take my lack of faith to Him and He gives me courage. See what I'm saying? How do you not get excited about writing inventory? The men and women I got sober with get excited when they write inventory. I get excited whenever I write inventory, What do you hear in AA? Oh God, I'm writing inventory. How do You not get exited that God's going to take all that stuff away and give you brand new stuff and give You more new power? You see what I'm saying? Sponsorship. I have a sponsor that said, get excited about inventory, man. It's the stuff that blocks you. It's gone. You're free. You've got freedom. Wow. Wouldn't it be nice if we were giving everybody in AA that message instead of the message we give them? Oh, inventory is a dreadful thing. It reminds me when I had a bisectomy. I've got to share this. Men who've had bisectomies lie to you about the results of that. I asked several men, did it hurt? No, not at all. No big deal. They lied to me. Three days later, all my products are jet black. I go running back to the doctor and said, what the hell is going on? We lie to people about the effects of what can happen with inventory. Geez, where the hell did that come from? Yeah. So, we may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. Another promise. Another promise, feeling the drink promise disappeared will often come strongly. Another promise we feel on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. Now, the next time someone comes up and lays a bullshit inventory on you, not on this book, you open your book up and say, tell you what I'll do. Be happy to use it. Will these things happen? I don't think so. You know why these things happened? My experience, I believe this book to be divinely inspired. You know Why? I'm a drunk like Bill Wilson. He ain't got the brains to put this together. This is a path of spiritual exercise designed to get me close to God, myself and you. No human being's got the power to write this thing. That's why I believe we get the promises when we do the inventories in this book. now we're not done yet with the fifth step we have some more instructions and you remember that stuff on page 17 where he talked about cement and mortar and sand and then stones and all that now imagine reading this page and not having gone through the work you'd think an idiot wrote this book here's what it says I leave my sponsor's house I go home returning home I find a place where I can be quiet for an hour now my book does not say 42 minutes or 93 it says an hour so at this point in time I follow instructions I set a timer for an hour I carefully review what I've done me and my inventory I don't read it again I just kind of sit and I just think about it now here's what's interesting look at the next sentence we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better now don always said something to me he said if this book tells you to do something or i tell you to call me up and bitch at me so i called him up i said i'm confused he said about what i said I just sat and shared some absolute insane things and harm and guilt and shame and selfishness and fear with you over several hours about a lot of stuff and this crazy book says I'm supposed to know God better. He said, don't you remember what the book says? As I reveal myself to him, he reveals himself to me. Wow. And all of a sudden I begin to see how this process works. He uses another human being to allow me to reveal myself to God and then he reveals Himself to me goes on to say, taking this book down from the shelf, I turned to the page which contains the 12 steps carefully reading the first five proposes, I ask if I have admitted anything, for I'm building an arch through which I shall walk a free man at last. Is my work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Imagine if you're reading this and you didn't understand the second step's the cornerstone, the third step's the keystone. You'd say, what the hell are they talking about? Look at the next sentence. Have I skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have I tried to make mortar without seeing? But you and I, based on the work we've done, we understand all those questions, don't we? So, I have now, at the top of page 76, if I can answer my satisfaction in these questions, now I'm done with step five. It says we then look at step six. Everything I can tell in my experience is that the sixth step is all about God as are the seventh. and only an alcoholic would want to pontificate upon God's work. There are two short, simple paragraphs here that are not difficult to understand. The sixth step really says we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Now I get two questions and only a drunk would ask this next question. Am I now ready to let God remove from me all the things which I have admitted are objectionable? Think about that. You just did a fifth step, right? You got reams and reams of all these defects. And now you're going to ask, well, I don't know if I want him to take it or not. Right? It's what separates you from God. Here's another question, one of faith. Can he now take them all every one? Well, in the second step, I made a decision he's everything. So I think he can. Now it says we still cling to something we'll now let go of. we ask God to help us be willing. Here's a point in time where I always tell people, are there some things you're unwilling to let go of? Well, what do you mean? Well, you keep telling me you've got fear of abandonment. Are you willing to let goes of that? Well,what does that mean? It means that if you're willing to let go and He removes it, you can't go to AA meetings anymore bitching about fear of abandonedment. Are you wanting to experience that? Oh, hell, I never thought about that. You know? Things like, check this one out, masturbation. Watch the room shutter and get real quiet. Wow, am I willing to let go of that? Smoking cigarettes. Look at everything you're unwilling to let go of, right? Ken just said it to me outside. Damn it, I realized last night, Mark, there's a whole bunch of things I'm unwilling to do and unwilling to let go off right now. That's why they say in the sixth step, willingness is indispensable. When ready, meaning when I've answered those questions, we say something like this. My Creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad, and I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. Third step prayer had no amen. The amen is behind the seventh step prayer. Says we have then completed step seven. Now at that time, one would think they would get a little rest. Not true. Book says now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. So it says let's look at steps eight and nine. and we're going to go through some pages in this book and we are probably going to smash a whole bunch of middle of the road solution you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous about making amends I could show you last year in Breckenridge, Colorado over 200 people who have made every amend that they are consciously aware of every amend they are consciously aware there is a man sitting in this room that 11 months sober has finished every single amend that he is consciously aware of. It is possible to finish all of your amends. How much freedom do you want? So the book's saying, Mark, let's look at steps 8 and 9. We have a list of all the persons we've harmed and to whom we're willing to make amends We made that list when we took inventory. All those names in my resentment inventory, all those names on my sex inventory. And then I do one other thing. I ask God to show me any other people I've harmed that are not in any of my inventories. And he always shows me some. It says, Mark, you made this list when you took inventory when you subjected yourself to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we're going to go out to our fellows and we're going to repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated our effort to live on self-will and to run the show ourself. Here's a great cop-out for amends. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. A friend of mine tells a story I like. He's one of these guys that goes around doing guru shit every now and then. And in this group they can ask questions so he shared one time in a meeting and he gets done and he was talking about amending he had to make to a girl he was engaged to that he didn't want to make And he made the mistake of saying in front of some other people that had done the work, I'm praying for the willingness to make this amend. And I'm asking until it comes. It hasn't come yet. And somebody from the audience says, is it possible? And he knew right away he was headed for trouble. He said, is if possible you're not praying for willingness? He said why, yes I am, I'm preying every day. He said well I'll have you think about something. He said, I submit to you that the day that you're willing to make this amend, you'll know it and you'll knows it very easily. He says, how's that? He said you're going to hear a real strange noise. He said what the hell are you talking about? He said yeah, you're gonna hear a really strange noise He said What's it gonna sound like? He said It's gonna sound Like This! That's you knocking on her door to make the amend! People in AA say, well I haven't made any amends in four months I'm praying for the willingness. No, I agreed at the beginning to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. We're going to be reminded of that in the next sentence in squiggly lines. The book tells us three times. Mark, are you willing to go any lengths for victory or for alcohol? Let me comment on that. There's not very many people you can walk up to and ask them this question and get an answer. What does it mean to be willing to go to any links for victory over alcohol? I can give you that answer. It means go from the title page to 164 and do everything it says. That's exactly what it means. And in steps 8 and 9, they remind you in squiggly lines what you agreed to, Mark. Now, Don gave me an exercise, and I never seemed to get something out of the book. Once I got done with all this list, he said, Mark, for simplicity's sake, get some 3x5 cards, take every single amend, and put it on the three-by-five card. Put the name, address, phone number, all relevant information. And then in the right-hand corner, I want you to do something. I wantyou to go through and visualize yourself making an amend to every person. And if it feels comfortable, put a plus. And ifit feels uncomfortable, puta minus. Now, I knew Don didn't tell me to do some stuff out of the book, and I didn't know where he came up with that. Well, he cameup with that in the next sentence. Probably, Mark, there are still some misgivings. Misgiving means I'm uncomfortable making the amend. So I did that. Here's what it says. As I look over the list of business acquaintances and friends I have hurt, I may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis. Let us be reassured. To some people we need not and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach. We might prejudice them. At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. but this is not an end in itself our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and to the people about us it is seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from our injustice to him and announce we've gone religion in the prize ring this would be called eating with the chin why lay ourselves open to be called Brandon fanatics or religious boars We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message. But our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong. He is going to be more interested in demonstration of goodwill than in our talk of spiritual discoveries. Demonstration of good will, if I owe the money and he asks me to pay it back, I pay it back. You're going to find in the amends that the big book covers every kind of amend that you have to make, financial, family, business, the people we hate, criminal offenses, everything we've ever done, any category, the big book is very specific about how to make that amend. You hear this in meetings, some of you probably heard this, where it talks about when I make amends I shouldn't do so if I'm going to harm others, and I've heard people say in NAI mothers? Bullshit. That isn't in these pages. Nowhere. I hear this name, the greatest harm I ever did, I did to myself. Yeah, you did. You know how to fix it? Go out and make amends to all those people you screwed over. That's the greatest gift I ever gave myself, was when I had the day when I made the last amend I was consciously aware of. It's a day I wish everyone in this room could experience. It's a level of freedom that virtually few people in the A.A. can talk about because they buy this crap about you can't finish all the amends. We've been talking about the power of God, haven't we? You have to make it that you're consciously aware of. Some of them may take time. If you're like me, I'm a geographic drunk. It took me three and a half years to get back to the six states I had to get back to. I could tell you of a guy that when he put his amends cards together, he put them together by continents and it took him two years I can tell you of a black guy in Los Angeles who had 350 amends and 250 of them were burglaries knocking and entering you know how salesmen go around make cold calls you know what this kid did he went into neighborhoods where he burglarized houses knocked on the door and told them why he was there I broke into your house I stole this what can I do to make it right he finished in two years 350 amends 250 of them were breaking and entering that guy is so on fire of this program he vibrates off the floor it is possible to make consciously make all of the amends that you owe and that come to you how much freedom do you want this book and one other book I know are designed to transmit a spiritual experience this and the Bible The Bible talks real, real clearly about cleaning your stuff up with your brother. How free do you want to be? This is not in the book, but this is my experience. I don't have any future until I clean up my past. Let me say that again. I do not have any feature until I clear up my path. What does that mean? It means if I owe money and screwed people over and don't pay them, I doubt if I'm ever going to do very well in that area. It means if I have personal relationships with people I've harmed and haven't cleaned them up, I'm probably not going to do very well in this area. That's my personal experience. My life changed after I consciously finished all amends for the first time. When I went through last year, 93, and all the amends I had to make, there were two I still have to make. Those are to dead people. I want to comment on that. This happens a lot. Some people say you can't make amends to dead People. Really? see when you talk about stuff like this about three-fourths of the room will say oh no you can't do that but there's going to be about a fourth of the room people like myself will say in God's world anything is possible and you can make amends to dead people and you can write their letter of amends that you'd like to make if they still were alive and you can go to their grave I've made several this summer the second week in July I'll fly back to Humboldt Iowa and I will go to my grandmother and great aunt's graves and I will make amends at their grave site in the world of the Spirit if anything is possible. And the reason I do that is real simple because that amend is sitting right down here and I harmed those women and I love them and I want to be free of that. How much freedom do you want? It goes on to say we do not use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God when it will serve any good purpose we're willing to renounce our convictions with tact and common sense. now here's what's interesting the question of how to approach the man we hated how many of us in here have men or women we hate every hand needs to go up on this one it may be he or she has done us more harm than we've done him and although we've acquired a better attitude toward him we're still not too keen about admitting our faults nevertheless with a person we dislike we take the bit in our teeth it is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend now look at the promise but we find it much more beneficial to us we go to this person in a helpful and forgiving spirit confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret so the book has given us instructions about business acquaintances and friends and now it's told us what to do about people we still hate I had someone say this to me the other day They said that they were told that they had to be free of the resentment toward this person before they could go make amends. That isn't what the book says. The book says, I may still hate this person and I may have a little better attitude toward him but I'm still not too keen about talking to him. Go make the amend. It goes further and I'm getting more instructions. Under no condition do I criticize such a person or argue. we've passed out a form and there's a very special format I follow when I make amends and I've given that to you it says simply we tell them we'll never get over drinking until we've done our utmost to straighten out the past highlight utmost to straighten up to straighten off the past you know what I heard a man say from the podium one time this guy was about trying to find people we've harmed in the past he said are you really willing to go to any length? Did you ever consider hiring a private detective? Oh, I don't want to hear that. I don'T WANT TO HEAR THAT. It says, Mark, we will never get over drinking until we've done our utmost to straighten out the past. And I'll challenge some of you who have been in AA sitting in this room for a while. Get brutally honest about where you're at with all your men you're consciously aware of. And are you doing your utmost to straighten down your past? And if not, Go back and look at your first step. It's as a result of the desperation, the first step that I become willing to go to any length. Maybe you're not a real alcoholic. More importantly, how much freedom do you want? We're there to sweep off our side of the street realizing nothing can be accomplished until we do so. Look what the book just says. Nothing can be accomplish until I sweep off my side of the street. Why do you think it tells us that? Why do you think it tells us that? Because we had to search fearlessly in steps four through nine to turn our will and life over to the care of God. I'll submit something to you. Those of you in this room, when you leave here, if you continue through this work, from the day you finish your last amends within one year, what will happen in your life will blow your mind. From the day you finish your last conscious amends, you track 12 months down the road and what will happen to you will blow your mind. How much freedom do you want? His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our matter is calm, frank, and open, we'll be gratified with the results. My experience shows what happened from this next sentence. Nine cases out of ten, the unexpected happened. Amends I thought would be horrendous went great. Quite frankly, when I look back, the worst experience I ever had, of course for me that just means it didn't turn out the way I wanted. Going into it, when i looked at my card, I write how I've harmed these people where I'm at fault and I say a prayer and go make the amend. I didn't see much harm. This lady looked me dead in the eye and said, I don't ever want to see you again. I think that's real nifty. You're sober. I don'T want you ever talking to anyone in my family again. And I left. Went whining to Don. He said, Did you do what the book asked you to do? Yeah. Then he said, You cleaned off your side of the street, Mark. That's all the book asks you to doing. Now you need to follow what she told you to be doing. What did she tell you to go do? Goes on to say, Sometimes the man we're calling upon admits his own fault, so feuds of your standing meld away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and they wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We've made our demonstration, done our part. It's water over the dam. Now, next paragraph deals with owing money. Never understood it. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand this next paragraph about owing money. I have guys come to me and say, I don't know what I'm going to do about these financial amends. Well, I don' t know. Maybe they write it in your book. Change. Let's see what the book says. Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Okay, so I'm not going to run from creditors anymore. Telling them what we're trying to do, we make no bones about our drinking. They usually know about it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosure or alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditors will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can, we let these people know we're sorry. Our drinking's made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go for we're liable to drink if we're afraid to face them. If you are afraid to chase your creditors and you're living in fear, you're blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit, you live there long enough, You'll drink alcohol. It's not that difficult. Did I like making them? No, I'm selfish and self-centered. When I pay back these financial amends, that's money I'd like to spend doing other stuff. But how much freedom do you want? So if you owe 10 people money, you go to them and arrange the best deal you can. See, I am an alcoholic. Here is what I want to do, right? I want a wait. Let's say I owe someone $2,000. I want to wait until I can walk in there with $2,000 in crisp $100 bills and throw it down. God forbid if I sit across and tell you that I can only pay you $10 a month for the rest of my life. But the book says I arranged the best deal I can. That's what I did. Some of those amends I had to make, they were $10. They were $20 a month. I make them. It's real clear what I do around my financial stuff. now, once again I told you this book would cover every single area the next area of amends are areas where we committed a criminal offense it says perhaps we committed a criminal offence which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities we may be short on our accounts and unable to make good. We've already admitted this in confidence to another person but we are sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it was known maybe it's only a petty offense such as padding the expense account most of us have done that sort of thing maybe we're divorced and we've remarried but we haven't kept up the alimony number one she's indignant about it and she has a warrant out for our arrest that's a common form of trouble too next paragraph has got a lot of instructions about amends although these reparations take innumerable forms there are some general principles we find guiding. Highlight this paragraph. Reminding ourselves we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing, we have to be, we must not shrink at anything. That's a pretty powerful paragraph, isn't it? Now, I'm also giving instructions. Example, you were out there ripping and roaring, drinking and single. Now you come into AA, you get married, have a child. You're dying of untreated alcoholism and, God forbid, go to a meeting where some spiritual gunfighter's at. Walk up to him and make the mistake of asking him to do the work with you. So you do the workout to this point in time. Now you owe a bunch of money or maybe you got a criminal offense, but now you've got a wife and child involved. So the root of my problem is I'm selfish and self-centered. So I need to use some discretion and think because this wife and childhood are now going to be affected by my financial amend, right? So now the book's going to give me instructions about that. It says, usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we're not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. A man we know had remarried. Because of resentment in drinking, he had not paid alimony to his first wife. She was furious. She went to court. She got an order for his arrest. He had commenced our way of life. He had secured a position and was getting his head above water. It would have been impressive heroics if he walked up to the judge and said, here I am. So it says we thought. That meant he went and talked to somebody in the fellowship. We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary. But if he were in jail, he could provide nothing for either family. So we suggested that he write his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. he did and he also sent a small sum of money he told her what he would try to do in the future he said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted of course she did not and the whole situation has long since been adjusted now I mentioned the Internal Revenue Service when I got sober and did this work for the first time with a real sponsor I had seven years that I had not filed the Internal Revenue Service does not like that they like their money so I went to a man said I'd like to talk about this, I don't know what to do he said well I would suggest the first thing you do is you probably go to a CPA and have them put those seven years together and when that's done let's take a look at the damage and how much you owe and then probably we need to sit down with you and your wife so I did that I took what information I could gather. He did the seven years' worth of returns. We took a look at how much money I owed, and I sat down with the wife there. And he and I, well, here's why we needed to do that. Because it was a lot of money, and it meant a lot of money out of my check was going to have to go to the Internal Revenue Service to make this amend. Yet she's now my wife, and she's going to be affected. So I needed to know how she felt about that. She had been around this thing long enough to know that if I didn't make these amends, I was going to drink alcohol and I'm blocked from God. And she said, I support you in what you're going to want to do. So I brought her in on it. I also didn't lead with a chin. I didn'T walk into the IRS and say, here I am, help me. I went to a CPA and he did all that stuff. And he also gave me some wise instructions, which I'm glad he gave me. Like, Mark, once you do this, every now and then, just for grins, they're going ot tap all your accounts. So if you never have over $50 in them and they tap it, don't worry about it. I've done that, been a means of AA. The IRS hit my account and took $2,000. Never happened to me. Why? Because I listened to a man in the program and I followed his instructions. And they did. Until I got that taken care of two times, they hit my count. So I don't lead with a chin. There are people in AA who've had to make every kind of amend known to man. Go talk to them. Particularly if other people are involved, you need to talk to them. It says before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we've attained permission, which I did, have consulted with others, which I did ask God to help and the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. This brings to mind a story about one of our friends. While drinking, he accepted a sum of money from a bitterly hated business rival, giving him no receipt for it. He subsequently denied having received the money and he used the instance as a basis for discrediting the man. He thus used his own wrongdoing as a means of destroying the reputation of another. In fact, his rival was ruined. He felt he had done a wrong he could not possibly make right. If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner, disgraced his family and take away his means of livelihood. What right had he to involve those dependent upon him? How could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival? Now here's what he did. He followed instructions. After consulting with his wife and partner, he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God hands. The outcome of our men is in God's hands, or that he would start drinking again and all would be lost anyway. He attended church for the first time in many years. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. This would take some serious courage, wouldn't it? His action meant widespread approval. Today he's one of the most trusted citizens of his town this all happened years ago now it's going to move into another area called domestic troubles perhaps we're mixed up with women in a fashion we wouldn't care to have advertised we doubt if in this respect alcoholics are fundamentally much worse than other people I love this next sentence but drinking does complicate sex relations in the home after a few years with an alcoholic a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative how could she be anything else the husband begins to feel lonely sorry for himself he commences to look around the nightclubs of their equivalent for something besides liquor perhaps he's having a secret and exciting affair with the girl who understands in fairness we must say she may understand but what are we going to do about a thing like that. A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him. Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. Now, those of you who are going to have to make amends to wives or significant others as a result of this area, please pay serious attention. If we are sure that our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. I love this next one. If she knows in a general way we've been wild, should we tell Her in detail? Undoubtedly, we should admit our fault. She may insist on knowing all the particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is, or who the man is and where he is. We feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person. We are sorry for what we have done, and God willing it should not be repeated. More than that, we cannot do. We have no right to go further. Though there may be justifiable exceptions, and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort, we have often found this the best course to take. Our design for living is not a one-way street. It is as good for the wife as for the husband. If we can't forget, so can she. It is better, however, that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent jealousy. Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. Now, the next sentence. Most important. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. If you are in a marriage, if there are amends to be made in this area, pay attention. No outsider kan appraize such an intimate situation. Read the book.