The Sex and Relationship Inventory – Sponsorship Workshop – 2024 – Part 8 of 16 – Ali H.

Hi everybody, my name is I'm a grateful alcoholic. Thank you so much for being here can let me say okay to this, let me record it all right. First of all, I want to thank you guys this is session nine. Most friends that started with us are still with us I want to thank you guys I never take lightly the generosity that you have with your time and your spirit, know to join us here and to add to this workshop from everyone that's attending to all the team members. I appreciate you guys very much. One thing that I have realized that long timers have taught me, people that came before me, some of whom are on this call and I admire very much is that I'm just a better human being when I'm with you guys. So thank you guys, I never take it as I'm doing anyone a favor here. This, as I said before, this one of my least favorite things ever do like a workshop like this i've never done it but yet it has been one of the most fulfilling like most things are in in this path you know things that i actions that i take that i sooner not take and seem to give me a sense of purpose in this life and uh sometimes this life is uh is uh filled with storms you know and and and the action purpose-filled actions that that they this program allows me to take uh brings a peace inside my heart and i get to sit in the eye of the storm sometimes and there's been a few storms in the last nine weeks let me tell you which is so um which is uh exactly what this workshop is really about why i think this workshop i i think you know has been pretty well attended i have my finger on the pulse of workshops and aaa online stuff a lot the last four years you know uh fairly relatively well attended is because nothing to do with that i don't think so facilitator i'm really um it has more to do with the subject matter at hand it has to do it with the fact that we're all seekers and we are on some level deep down inside of us know that when we answer the call of the spirit there's a joy and peace in it you know what i mean and the call the spirit seems to be for us first and foremost for us alcoholics seems to be the 12th step having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps i get to try to pass this message on which is what this workshop is about right um please don't have i know never won anyone i hope that energy was never given by me anyways in this workshop that this is the only way and you're doing it wrong any other way no This is one way, just my experience through the last few years, you know what I mean? So the accumulation of the spirit and different messengers in different workshops and what has been most effective for me. And I hope that somebody's moved to somehow if this workshop, somehow anybody gets anything from it that makes them more effective, that's a beautiful thing for me, I think because i'm always reminded of how this program started two people phil wilson dr bob smith flying blind not knowing much of anything just the desire to be of service and pass this message on so they can stay sober look at what has happened 89 years later millions of people from two people so all we need here is one person to be inspired god moves mountains god moves mountains anyways thank you for that i appreciate you guys um as the last few weeks we sort of slowed down on the inventory kind of part you know just uh um we slowed down just to unpack it a little bit and also uh sort of as i take a new person through this path as i come through inventory i slow down with them this is not a rush brush let's drag somebody through the big book right this is just try to get to it efficiently through the step one and two pages which is take a long time if we go straight through and then from uh from how it works we go straight through to the steps in order right now we efficiently and powerfully highlight and put question marks and you know make it as simple as possible um but when i get to to the inventory stage i slow right down what it's been my experience is that so again there's no right or wrong way to do it i mean god doesn't make too hard turns but i know in the past when i was in another program uh what the people in front of the messengers in front immediately would give me here's your resentment inventory sheets here's my fear inventories or sex inventory sheets and i would just get overwhelmed you know i'm already afraid i'm feeling not good enough so there's only a mustard seed of willingness inside of you right so what i have found very effective is that is that i give the the person column by column and i give them like a timeline one to two days come back one to three days come back right so it's up to the spirit how fast we move how this launch happens launch out of course of vigorous action right so that's why we slowed down and as we're going to continue now with the sex inventory. So, from this session on, I'm going to try to pick it up a little bit. Okay? We're going to try and pick it up a little bit again. The goal is not in my heart to speak to a group. Sometimes that happens and I don't want to, right? I want to speak to the individual like I'm doing it when I'm, right. So it's not really necessary when I am taking someone through the big book to take one paragraph and unpack it for like half an it doesn't doesn't do anyone any good right there's work stops for that that was had this powerful and they're needed that's not what we're doing we're trying to pass this message on to another alcoholic so they are they have a spiritual experience afterwards they are equipped to pass this message onto another alcohol that's what we do okay so a couple of a couple other things before we get going um before we got going and so i have kuna and kristen please one of you whoever wants to email the takuna please put in the chat these two attachments one is that i have provided now we're going to email after to everybody that's on the email list the entire big book directions of how we do it this way because at the beginning we jump around right it's a little bit more detailed for friends that may want a little bit more detail it's an award document so from the beginning to the end whenever the end finishes okay all the directions are there um that that's one thing and then the other thing is the sex inventory template again none of these templates are new and different from the big book I just always just asked many years ago to put it in a template to make it easy all of them so that's what I've done the exactly almost exact like the big one almost exactly so anyway so that'S that um and I just realized the most important thing that I missed prayer can somebody please please do the set aside prayer whoever has move to just put up here. Thank you, Susan. Dear God, please set aside anything I think I know about myself, about my disease, about the big book, the 12 steps, the program, the fellowship, the people, all spiritual terms and especially you, God, so that we can have an open mind and new experience we pray all this in your name on that moment thank you thank you all right beautiful let's do it so so when we left off last session we finished the peer mentoring sheets and uh i hope um i pray whoever is really moved to actually revisit the steps themselves does so in this workshop not everybody has to but if you're moved to let me tell you you're gonna have a much deeper experience so whoever is to pass on page 68 at the bottom of page 68 last paragraph okay you're gonna see now about sex please circle with pen now about sex highlight what you circled in yellow so now about sex and then circled it and then in yellow please important okay no more yellow now about sex many of us needed an overhauling there notice doesn't say a slight adjustment and overhaul in there of our ideas okay but above all we tried to be sensible sensible on this question it's so easy to get up to get way off the trap here we find human opinions running into extremes absurd extremes perhaps one set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature okay so before we go on to the next page if you just please um long turn the book clockwise so the left margin is facing you and from the bottom there from the butt of the page please write long ways to write sex inventory right beside the paragraph right long way sex inventory so the newcomer is very clear as they're taking someone else through the book oh that's when the sex inventory starts sex inventory okay so one set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature a base of a base necessity of procreation we needed to to make babies that's all sex is good for that's one set of voices right then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex who bewail who look down on the institution of marriage who think that most of the troubles are the races are traceable to sex causes they think we do not have enough of it or that it isn't the right kind they see a significance everywhere one school would have would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet okay so so just like in society alcoholics and this is a microcosm of society right we have opinions on both extremes about sex right if you notice out in the real human nature from my experience anyways there's two things that give people the most trouble and we're no different sex and romance and finance they seem to be right and the only thing is with me if left untreated my old ideas i'll drink and die a regular person may know okay so highlighting yellow now the next sentence very important we want to stay out of this controversy continue yellow we do not want to be the utter arbiter of anyone's sex conduct those two sentences are in yellow important one set of voices sex is bad you only do it make babies you should not even enjoy it feel guilty afterwards the other word the other one don't be attached forget about monogamy have sex everywhere free sex free love both extremes and everything in between exists an alcoholic synonymous and out there in society but the instructions to me from the spirit through bill wilson in the sacred text stay out of this controversy none of your business ali none of you're business about the mandy sponsor with other members in alcoholic synonyms stay out this controversy okay no more yellow we all have sex problems we hardly be human if we didn't what can we do about them okay so we want to stay out this controversy like a couple of quick examples um my sponsor says i never had this example he had a sponsor a while ago who his sponsor and his wife were swingers it was consensual nobody tried to hurt anybody none of his business we don't judge that right i had a sponsee okay i'll share this quickly. I had a sponsee, a man who I tried to sponsor for years. He was in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. And every time he would come in the program, he would dive in the steps for about three to six months. He would have incredible transformation. Somewhere about a three-month mark, he Would dive into a relationship at the same time and be in love, right? Always in love. And I can relate to that. That was me. Fill this void with something on the outside. Make me feel better about myself. And every single time, he would make this lady his higher power. He would slowly let go of the program and he would drink. Now, this happened back and forth for about 10 years I tried to help this person. At about the six-year mark, I stayed out of that controversy. What I did suggest to him is that so-and-so, listen, it's none of my business who you date, when you date how you date. But just a suggestion. Maybe you want to hold off on serious relationship for a little bit until you get your spiritual footing under you and then you can you can see where the spirit guides you right but i never told them what to do not to do because i stay out of this controversy having said that at about the five to seven year mark when he kept on doing that every year every couple years i prayed i meditated i talked to my sponsor and i took a much stronger line on this one i said mr you cover if you get into a relationship i am not sponsoring you anymore so you may think this is a contradiction but it wasn't i don't think so because a few years and i saw clearly that this is one of the stumbling blocks so everything in this book nothing is rigid it's my sphere it's my experience that the rigidity is a prison in which my soul dies in then i gotta wear the world like a loose garment another couple of teachers used to say where did this big book meet me in this situation okay so now the next line next paragraph yellow please important we reviewed our own conduct over the over the years past in yellow please and if you grab the pen this paragraph is the sex inventory instructions right here and i know many friends know this i know i'm preaching to the choir but some friends may not some friends maybe newer to the big book if you grab the pen please where had we been selfish question mark after selfish dishonest questionable inconsiderate questionable whom had we heard question one Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, question mark, suspicion, question mark, bitterness, question. Where were we at fault? Question mark. What should I have done instead? Question Mark. okay it says we got this down all down on paper and looked at it so the big book I mean people anyway as long as an inventory is done doesn't matter how we do right I really believe that but to me how it's a how it has been revealed to me through the years and through some of my teachers there's no columns on this thing I write questions just like a fair inventory that we write questions, right? So I can either write the question myself. I've made a template. I can email to everybody. The questions are written over there. So I take each name through all the questions. We're going to go through it just briefly. Now, before we go through it, if we could please, if you could please. Okay, so how are we going to do this? If there is room on the left margin, great. If not on the right margin from the yellow where says reviewed our own conduct over the years past from the yellow put a little um line let's say up to the top of the page and then to the right so from the Yellow we viewed our own conducts pass on the right margin on that right margin bring a line to the close to the top at a page and a little line to right and an arrow to the Right okay we did that so we can have more room to write long ways on the right margin if you turn the book please counterclockwise so the right-margin is facing you we're going to start writing from near the top of the page we're going to go towards the bottom of the page okay okay please write number one by the way as you write please don't go past um Try not to go past where this paragraph ended. Okay, so just if you can write a couple lines if you want. Number one, make master list. Make master list as always, if you Can write small please. But big enough so you can read it. Make masterlist of past slash current romantic relationships. Make masterless the past slash current romantic relationship. So as you're writing that, I'll explain a little bit for some friends. So I always pray before making my master list. I make a master list of resentment first before I go into resentment inventory columns, master list of fear first, master list sex, romantic relationships first. I pray and I allow the spirit, the pen to become the spirit translator. And I just put the names that come to my heart, past and current romantic relationships. The spirit will guide you. Now, some questions. One night stands. I mean, if they were consensual you didn't really hurt anybody don't we need to go on that. Just if they come up on your heart and you think you may have quite harmed the person or you're not sure, put it down. Start with the most like the relationships first. Some people may ask questions of what about the prostitutes? groups of prostitutes that when I was drinking that I used. I mean, if it was consensual, you didn't hurt anybody, no need to go down, maybe your heart says, okay, I need to put that down. You could put prostitues as a group. I don't know, just some stuff. So number two, below number one, right below number, write the number two and you can circle two and circle one, please write across. You write with each name comma answer all questions. with each name comma answer all questions again these are notes for the newcomer so it's what we want to do is make a very simple clear-cut direction when they have had this spiritual experience to take someone else to it right with each thing answer all the questions okay so i have a master list of 10 2 15 20 i don't know right whatever it is it i take each name through a page each name through a of these questions through these questions um as always just like every other part of this inventory i don't i try i don' t write i stay away from writing essays long stories right point form little explanations right point form so i put a name how where have i been where had i been selfish is the question i pray i write down where i've been dishonest i pray or write down uh who would i and consider i pray right down um who that i hurt um so whom that i heard could be the person i was in a relationship with and the people around them i was in relationship with a lady um i wasn't in my right mind right uh i was so attached and so felt so unlovable so so ugly all the time and then when we broke up i felt like there was a death on me and i had to go just try to revive myself i went to a place of work i got into arguments i threatened her life so what happens is many years ago right so and then sister got involved so i had hurt her sister i heard her mom i heard they i had a bunch of people that i had to attempt to make amends to later on so the people around that person as well who might i hurt please my experience has been don't put yourself down on that whom i hurt don't put yourself down okay this is so i'm not one of the people okay that i that i please don't pull yourself down um okay that's it did we unjustify we allow jealousy suspicion of bitterness i look back i pray to put it down where were we at fault where was i at fault so i don't know sometimes i think okay so they've already asked me some places i could be at fault but that that question i pray anyways and spirit brings to me maybe other places where i was at fault that i didn't come to me so i write down point form okay what should we've done instead what should have done is that okay from my experience i would try really hard to stay away from i should never got into that relationship okay because that the words aren't coming to me this morning so if when i look at it this way given that i got into that relationship because i was doing the best i could how should i have shown up how should I have shown it every time i put myself on i had put myself under this who am i hurt and i should have never gone to that relationship it's almost like i i absolve myself of any responsibility for me to stand in some truth okay i'm not saying it is not the truth many times i should never gone through any of those relationships because i was not spiritually mentally emotionally fit okay i get you okay but given that i was in a relationship well how would god want me to show up what should have done instead right should have been kind considerate uh caring self-sacrifice whatever it is i shouldn't i should have done this i should've done that right okay we got this on down on paper and looked at it would you please circle this an important question circle the last question what should we have done instead circle the last question so by the way this inventory uh for the friends that are newer into sponsorship and are on this call just a side note it was has been surprising to me actually the small but still there's a percentage of of men that have been blessed to walk this way on this path with that longer-term sobriety have never done a sex inventory. Never done a sex inventory, right? It is powerful, man. So a sex inventory is not a pornographic inventory. It is a relationship conduct inventory, okay? Now I'm not saying some things may come up for a new person that are of that nature, you know what i mean actual act or whatever it is right but it's a relationship conduct inventory that's what it is how do i show up in romantic relationships okay so the next paragraph please start in yellow important in this way we try to shape as sane and sound ideal for our future sex life in this wave we try this shape is sane and sounds ideal for a future sex life after you highlight that in yellow please grab the pen we want to make it stand out even more i believe this is the point of a sex and writing as a romantic relation sex inventory please circle stain and sound ideal with pen please circle sane and sound ideal so you have two circles sort of above each other you have we have now what should we do is that circle same as an ideal circle now if you would please put a double-headed arrow going from one to the other they point to each other if you can please what that means is that they're one and the same thing the point i believe my experience what i've been taught so please if that's not your experience just for the remainder yes ali can we just check the volume please is it going right now yeah did it oh man okay hmm what can i do okay so Thank you.