The Service That Keeps Him From Being an Ideas Guy – Chris M.

Okay everyone, it's officially 829 and a half. My name is Ron, I'm an alcoholic. How you all doing? Welcome home. A couple quick announcements. Where is Jason at? Mr. Jason is in charge of our YouTube channel there with over 300,000 views. Let's let him sell his house. Everybody clap. See him afterwards and charge him a dollar. anyway uh this group's all about service meeting before the meeting meeting after meeting hanging out with us afterwards we've got a lot of fun time it's all inclusive never exclusive we have treatment center of institution commitments very powerful see us after the meeting there's a lot people that need a message of hope and recovery we we've purchased over 500 big books this last year and we give them away for free thanks to your contributions donations and support, and with that continued support, we will continue to do what we do, carry the message to the sick and suffering. With that, we have the world's best chairperson. Let's give him a warm welcome. Let's welcome Brian up here. Okay, good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Brian. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to the Conscious Contact speaker group of Alcoholics Anonymous. This is a one-hour speaker meeting that meets every Saturday right here at St. Paul's Lutheran Church, that's 301 North Main Street in Doylestown, PA. The food and the fellowship for this group starts at 8 o'clock every week and the speaker comes on at 8.30, so feel free to show up early, join us, enjoy the refreshments, the food that we put out, the coffee. There's a business meeting for this Group that meets every Saturday, 7 p.m. to 7.30 so feel sure to come early and join us if you want to become a member of this Group. The purpose of this group is to provide a consistent message of hope and recovery through God-reliance and service to others through the practice and teachings of the 12 Steps. We record all speakers so that others can benefit from their message of recovery. If you wish not to be recorded, simply ask. This is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The group would like to welcome everyone, especially newcomers. So if there's anyone that is new from out of town or at this meeting for the first time that would like introduce themselves on a first-name basis, we can welcome you. Go ahead. Yeah, start in front of you. Welcome. Yeah. Hello, welcome. James, welcome, welcome Sean, welcome On this side, yeah Gracie, alcohol Maria, alcoholic Maria You get everybody? Alright, looks good The Conscious Contact speaker group encourages sponsorship would anyone with a working knowledge of the 12 steps and that is willing to sponsor please raise your hands there you go we got a lot of people willing to sponsored so if you are new you're coming around or if you're struggling hang out with us after the meeting we'd love to talk with you get some numbers get some meetings get you into the solution a little bit are there any announcements from the floor for the good of a it nobody has anything okay a couple quick announcements for this group this group does have a sister group and that is a big book study meeting that meets every Thursday at 7 30 p.m. that's just up the road at Salem UCC Church it's 186 East Court Street in Doylestown and the coffee for that meetings on at 615 so again feel free to show up early and join us especially if you want to get involved with that group we have meeting lists and big books on easy terms please see me or any home group member after the meeting if you cannot afford a big book the conscious contact speaker group will give you one at no charge anyone that is willing to make donations for the purchase of big books or CDs to help those who can't afford them can put their donations in that jar on the back table there that's marked a big-book and CD donations all CDs are available free of charge as Ron mentioned we do have a YouTube channel conscious contact speaking group of Doylestown because speakers from this group on there we also post speakers from a step meaning we have in the room right next to here on mondays at six o'clock uh this group also has a facebook page it's a good resource to have we post happenings for this group upcoming speakers any events we might have going on as well as other groups in the area will post their anniversaries anything they got going on so it's a good resources to have to stay tied in with happenings and aa throughout the area and with that i believe mike is going to come up up here he's gonna read our just for today hi I'm Mike I'm an alcoholic welcome home just for Today prayer of recovery just for today I will become I will be agreeable I will look as well as I can dress becoming Lee talk low at courteously criticize not one bit not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself and Scott's coming up to read the preamble I believe all right Scott involved they preample alcoholics anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience strength and hope each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking there are no dues or fees ray membership we're self-supporting through our own contributions a is not allied with any sect denomination politics organization or institution does that wish to engage in any controversy neither endorses star poses any causes our primary purpose is to stay sober and help others achieve, other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Now JJ is going to come up and read the 12 steps. My name's JJ. I'm an alcoholic. These are the 12 Steps of Recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Four, made us searching in fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Five, admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made an offer to God a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Ten, continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Eleven, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. Now Brian's going to come up and introduce our speaker. Okay, we have a seven tradition. Every ager ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions. At this time I see that the basket makes its way around. Of course, there's no dues or fees for any membership, but we do have expenses. You know, your contributions help us protect the cost of rent and refreshments we put out, so we do appreciate it. There's absolutely no smoking on the church property. This is the church's policy. We have a good relationship with the church. We're very lucky to be able to use this beautiful facility to hold our meeting in every week, so just be considerate of that as you're coming and going from the meeting. Wait until you leave the premise. Please take a moment to silence all cell phones and limit movement during the meeting to avoid distractions and now to introduce our speaker for tonight a good friend of the conscious contact speaker group on loan to us from the common solutions group and visiting all the way from Maryland please help me welcome Chris H good evening everybody my name is Chris I'm alcoholic grateful to be here this even i'm grateful to be sober i am sober by the grace of god the fellowship not called synonymous and 12 steps uh active strong sponsorship and uh consistent service here and that is why i get to stay here thank you ron for inviting me up to share my experience drinking hope with you guys this has been a wonderful experience thus far you know we um my wife and i took this opportunity to kind of make a little date weekend out of this coming up here you know we live about three hours south of here to central like the center of maryland between dc and baltimore and um we happen to have a free night at a marriott and so we like booked that we have a son that's going to be like two in a couple weeks and we dropped him off at our uh at her sister's house and she he's there with getting beat up by his older cousins and uh you know it's just nice this is like our first like date weekend away from our son and in a while or really ever we had a wedding away but that didn't really count as like just us completely focused And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be here and experience that. And if you're new, you're like, why is this guy talking about hotel points and his child and his wife and all that? It's like because I can assure you when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, this was not part of the plan, right? Like I just didn't want to go to prison. That's why I ended up here, right. I didn't know anything about credit or family or fatherhood or anything, right。 I came here with a job. I got paid on a Thursday. By Monday, I had $20 to my name and an eighth tank of gas. And the great decision that needed to be made was, am I going to eat this week or am I going to get to work, right? That's what I walked in here with. And through coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and doing what you guys do, I now get three nights at the Marriott with a wife that I love and a kid that I get to take to my family's home to watch him and keep him safe. and uh you know i would not have uh i wouldn't i wouldnít have any of that without you guys so thank you guys for being here and this this group is this is a i've been to a lot of meetings all over the country a couple abroad like this is great place to be on a saturday night at 8 30 we got here at 7 30 we were going to kind of wander around a little bit you know and um but i had to use the restrooms i drank like half a gallon of water up here and uh and so we came in and there already people here the coffee was ready there was like refreshments out donuts pizzas came in and you know you don't get that at every meeting like that is a that's that's a strong they're strong sobriety that exists here so if you're new just get centered here and you'll be okay right and um but it makes sense because as i was driving into town with my wife and i'm looking around it was like bar bar bar tavern bar and i am like after so many bars there's got to be good recovery here but um yeah in a very general way I'm gonna try my best to keep keep you guys engaged for the next however long and you know but just know that the only thing that I'm really trying to share with you tonight is Alcoholics Anonymous works right that is my message that is my experience Alcoholics anonymous works I did not come here trying to improve my resume you know and and you guys have taught me a way of life that I would have just missed out on entirely so get into it I have sobriety dates January second, 2011. I have a sponsor. He is aware that he sponsors me. His name's Brad. I talked to him this afternoon. He was coming home from a birthday party with his wife and two kids. And we caught up briefly, but I try to let him know what's going on. And anytime I do a speaking commitment, I really just want to touch base so he knows I can say that he's still my sponsor, right? And I do have two home groups. Common Solution has become a home group recently, but that group is it's on monday nights i can walk to it from my house i did not walk to over my house for the first year and a half that i lived there and the reason that i started going there is because i go to pick up a guy that's in a wheelchair uh 15 minutes past the meeting to then bring him back to the meeting so afterwards take him home and do that so instead of just walking to my house and being at this meeting for an hour and coming home i have to inconvenience myself through service right and that's what keeps me coming back you know so if you're new definitely uh just submerge yourself in service because it keeps you accountable and um and that meeting has been great with for my sobriety i've been you know so ever since 2011 right 13 years and they treat me like i'm a newcomer there's a lot of good long-term sobriete in that room and then the my thursday night meeting we were promises meeting and that's the first meeting i went to an alcoholics anonymous that's the first meaning that uh you know i got in uh or the first hand that i shook there was the guy brad that eventually became my sponsor but that church on the property that that church was built on when i was a kid that uh it was a horse farm so working horse farm my parents did not believe in paying for after school care and so they sent me there to work until they got off work and would come and get me and so my entire childhood i was found this property and then around the time that i started drinking party and pulled away from any you know real life obligation i had to be a part of that property got sold or donated or whatever and they built this church and it's now my own group in Alcoholics Anonymous you know that has been my own group the entire time I've been in Alcoholic Anonymous I heard early on in these rooms the coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous you know and so it's just kind of every week I have a reminder that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and so yeah I grew up in a town called Burtonsville Maryland and that's uh Burtinsville is where that Thursday meeting is and then I'm great over that's in Montgomery County it's the most northeast corner of Montgomery County Maryland and then my Monday meeting is in howard county maryland which is where we live and burtonsville falls under the washington dc inner group the baltimore inner group is falls under the howard country one so it's kind of like it's a lot it's like it's right there but it's a little bit different how they operate so it just nice to get different exposure and just see how you know different personalities but anyway i say all that to say that if you're if you're new just get involved get a home group stay centered and uh your life will get good right that's been my experience so i grew up in uh burksville maryland i'm the middle of seven kids my parents so my wife is also the middle of 7 kids right but they're irish catholic and they're all just like there's they're their kids like i only have one full sibling we're more like dysfunctional episcopalians yeah i mean like it was just uh like a lot of blended family and um you know and i didn't know any different growing up right my parents just did the best they could with what they had i recognized that through the steps and everything but like it was it was nuts in our house and but we were always fed we're always clothed we had everything we needed and occasionally what we wanted right and they were hard-working blue-collar people my father was a maintenance guy my mother was a career secretary and they just did what they had to do to make ends meet and I you know there's always alcohol in our house I did not realize that not every house always had alcohol and I just assumed that if you were an adult you drank alcohol if you're a kid you drank water juice occasionally soda right that was it and i didn't realize that our house was different until they came out with recycling bins and the first week that they had the recycling bins at the end of the driveways i'm walking to the school bus and i see our recycling bins overflowing with budweiser bottles and wine bottles and the neighbors have like coca-cola classic i made a mental note i was like that's interesting you know and uh the next topic and then i got invited to this kid on my soccer team's um house after the soccer game and his dad was drinking like chocolate milk at dinner with everybody else and I asked him I was like you're an adult why are you drinking milk at dinner you know that's the last time I was ever invited there it's just like these little these little things I just noticed that they were slightly off with and I really you know I really had a good childhood right there wasn't anything like I did we did fun things we traveled a little bit like you knows it was good and what one thing I will say and something I related to early on in these rooms is i was just wowed tight right like i i was one of the first things i heard here that i related to is i just missed the handbook for living you know i just felt like everybody else knew how to live life and i just miss that that class and uh and we would have these parties and it's not just my immediate family but it was also like we had a lot of cousins and uncles and aunts and our house seemed to be the central house that hosted everyone and we Would Have These Blowout parties and everybody would just kind of come through and give each other like hugs and a kiss small talk house work house the family whatever go to the deck open the cooler grab a beer pour a glass of wine grab another beer pour another glass of line and i would just watch their shoulders drop i'd watch them be able to breathe a little bit easier and laugh a little bit longer and i was so attracted to that at such an early age you know and i didn't know what exactly they were feeling but i knew i wanted to experience it and the first time i got to experienced that how I wanted was on my 12th birthday where one of my brothers who's 10 years older than me told me before the party started we were setting up and everything and he's like when the party's done whatever's left over it's yours right so the party starting at 3 34 o'clock and at 8 8 30 I'm tugging on shirts I'm like aren't you guys tired you know you should go home because I had no idea what enough was but I knew I wanted enough right and I'm just watching the cooler just disappear with all the beer and everything and i just wanted to be i wanted to make sure i had enough that night because i was ready to drink and the party ended whatever time everybody left my parents went to bed my brother was like have at it and so it was you know we i raced to the cooler i literally broke the hinges off of it flipping it open it was like one of those cheap you know igloo coolers in the 90s and like i brinked the cooler I was so excited and there were six tequizas left to the bottom of it now tequiza's were sold for a very short period of time because they were disgusting and nobody bought. And it was probably the only reason they were even left in the bottom of the cooler, right? Next to the cooler there was this bottle of wine that had been on court but nothing had been you know drinking out of it. And so my brother and I we start chugging these tequizas you know and we blast through them and then we pick up the bottle of wine and I'm just like slamming wine. And I know nothing about alcohol content at this point. I just know that the wine's a little bit sweeter and easier to go down and very quickly I'm fully feeling the effects produced by alcohol right and my brother you know he's 10 years older than me he was a tri-state champion wrestler he um was in the military at this point and if there was anybody on the planet that I was truly terrified of it was this man and when he went to grab that bottle of wine for me and I just kind of turned my shoulder through my forearm into him and both of us looked at each other like what just happened right what happened was alcohol did for me what I didn't do, what I couldn't do for myself. Just level the playing field, remove the fear, right? I wasn't worried about what I was doing with my hands. I didn'T care what I was wearing. I DIDN'T care WHAT I WAS SAYING. You know, my perspective shifts so much that in my mind, he was lucky I wasn'T going to beat him up, you know? And it was the most freed I'd ever felt in my entire life up until that point. And I'm 12 years old, you know, and I end up throwing up all over the place, like blacking out, passing out. He that I face planted at one point I go to bed I come to the next morning I feel horrific I feel absolutely horrible and I come to and you know and I just couldn't wait to do it again you know it's like I I just wanted to experience that feeling how I for forever right I didn't care what the consequences were I don't care what any of it well I just wanted to feel that feeling that I called in for me now I wasn't drinking socially with other seventh graders at that point so things didn't like take off for a while but when they did I was ready and I can experience it like I have this bottle of water and right here that they set up for me and I might drink it tonight I might not was you know see how it goes but one thing I can assure you is that if I drank this water when this meeting ends I'm not going to leave out of here and buy a case of water you know or another case of order I'm not gonna ruin relationships so you know I'm not gonna not show up for work or have my parents worried about me or get arrested because it's a bottle of the water right and it's just a beverage and non-alcoholic experiences consequences through drinking they can just stop drinking right because it's a beverage or they can just have a drink and that's it right for me it's magic right alcohol does for me truly what I cannot do for myself and so things take off a little bit I can't uh you know really access alcohol as much as I'd like to or as often as I like to but any opportunity I had I drank and things really started to take off the summer going into my senior year that's when um that's where my peers were working we started driving it was just easier to get around and get into other extracurricular activities and uh probably you know we we found a few spots that would sell us and you know and there's also the uh like siblings would occasionally buy for us and very quickly i uh i would just try i tried to be a weekend warrior that lasted like two times you know it just was like every single day like that was my cycle I would just get off work or get out of school and I would just drink as much as I could I would do whatever else as much as I like I was just having fun you know and most people don't experience that right they just like they're like it's 10 a.m. on a Tuesday or senior year of high school like you don't need to be drunk right now in class and that was it right and I barely graduated high school and that following like a month after graduating in July I went to a party and it was a college party you know and so I was like kind of anxious going into it and then that immediate friend circle that I would like drive around to and go to these parties at this I was we would like take turns being designated driver and this week I was or this this particular week I was supposed to be the designated driver and it a cake party and so i decided what I would do is I would get there and I'll just drink a fifth of whiskey as quickly as I could and um you know by the end of the party I'd be sober enough to drive and so I did that the party ended I started driving home I was speeding I got pulled over the officer pulled me out of the car and I got my first DUI right I was 17 years old and he was taking me through all the sobriety tests on the side of the road and and I was I was cooperative I wasn't like rude or anything I was answering his questions trying to pass him the best of my ability I end up we go back to the station and he has this like big thing on the table that like blow into it wasn't a handheld on the side of the road on the road you know I end up blowing a 0.23 and he just like looks at me and he's like I don't know what that meant right he's just like dude this isn't this isn't good you know. I was like am I like the Michael Jordan DUIs or anything I don' know just like 23 on the screen and he was like he did not find it amusing he just gave me this look he was like look man you're 17 years old right like I knew you've been drinking but had you been of age i probably would have let you go he's like and this is this is going to present a serious issue in your life you know you're just starting out and you're able to consume this much alcohol and be coherent like this is not okay and he was genuinely concerned about my well-being and i was just like oh dude it was a weird night right like i don't know what to tell you and uh it's not usually the case and so i ended up i ended UP getting that DUI my mom i called my mom and she came and picked me up and i walked through the door my dad looked at me and he Was just like if you weren't speeding you would have never had a DUI. The reality of that is if I wasn't drinking and driving I wouldn't have had a dui, I just would've had a speeding ticket you know but that was the perspective in our home you know it's very much do what you're supposed to do you can do what you want to do and so we got through that right that was the first big trouble I'd ever been in they they paid for the attorney and I went and sat down and the attorney suggested I go to some like alcohol education classes and so we picked a place that was kind of convenient for my schedule or whatever they are there were six courses and at the end of these six courses you get a certificate to present to the judge and I don't you know they were trying to like it wasn't like a scared straight or whatever but like they uh you know just went through the education process the danger dot closed yada yada and one of the weeks there was I remember specifically there was a class and the room was like half this size half this many people but every single person there was there for a drinking or drug related offense and I remember the lady teaching the class was like look around you the majority of you will be back here I remember sitting back in my seat that week looking around me and thinking to myself like the majority if you're idiots you know there's no way I'm gonna be back here so I ended up back there you know and it uh it took a little while right it took about five years but I just like you know I got I got through that class I got the certificate I ended up going and doing a tour of shock trauma in Baltimore I had some community service like mothers were mad at that point so I sat in one of those classes and you know it was just like I did what I needed to do and I got out of it because my parents paid for it right and they like made me go they drove me there that's why I got rid of it was left up to me I just I would probably still be dealing with that and um and so fast forward a little bit I ended up getting into a trade and um after working this trade for a little while i got accepted into a five-year apprenticeship program and that's when my drinking really started to take a shift because i had work full time i went to school two nights during the week and i went all day on saturday right and so like beer kind of just went out of the equation it was just liquor and um and also in that trade and because i was previously on probation the extracurriculars went out of the picture and it was just, it was just alcohol. And the extracurriculars helped kind of maintain my alcohol. I didn't really think that the alcohol was the issue up until this point in my life. I thought it was the extrecurriculars. But then once those were out of the equation and it was Just Alcohol, I mean things started to get crazy, right? Like if there, like I could have had a reality show at that point in My Life with my friend group if that was a thing. Like it was just nuts. There was just fights all the time. There wasjust chaos all the time. Like, itwas insane. But we were just drinking i was just drinking liquor no more beer because i didn't have time right and then i turned 21 and that's when things really changed because then i had no limits and it was like that whole show up and show up into what i have to do and i can do what i want to do right if i'm going to work and i'm gonna school and i pass my classes i'm keeping a job nobody can say anything work hard play hard that was it that was my motto and i like to play hard so i worked a lot And very quickly, I became a bar flyer. This was my routine. Especially on nights I didn't have class. I'd go to the bar. I'd shut it down. Bartender would yell, last call. Lights would come on. I'd order some drinks. Take them real quick. I'd look around. I'm like, what are we doing tonight? Everybody's like, we just did it. Go home. And I would go home. I'd pass out, hopefully. There was a lot of nights I would just stare at the ceiling, head racing, just constant you know would not be quiet head going nuts and um and but most of the time I had enough I could pass out my alarm would go off I'd start work at 6 a.m right and so my alarm would go offline quarter of five I hit snooze up until the last minute I'd get out of bed like just in like cold sweats right hard racing I'd kind of stumble into the bathroom and turn the cold water on and I would cut my hand under my under the sink and I was just drink as much water as my body would physically let me, right? And this was every day. It's like 21 years old every single day. This is my morning routine. And I put the toothpaste on the toothbrush and as soon as it hit my mouth, I knew it was a coin flip if I'd start dry heaving or not. And that was it. I didn't know what other people's morning routines looked like, right, like I didn'T go to work and start taking a poll like anybody else dry heave today, you know? It was just, I just, if you ask me, I was living exactly how I wanted to be living. I was doing exactly how I wanted it to be doing, right. That was it, it was like Groundhog's Day. was an ideas guy right i didn't i couldn't do anything i just worked school drank occasionally i'd get invited to a concert or a fishing trip where i would go camping but only if somebody else planned it and included me and then it was a crapshoot if i would show up or not you know my friend group started to get smaller i became more of a liability right and this was just like this was the cycle of life and um you know and especially as like i went through that for a couple of years and um you know i was i was like the guy that i always wanted to be like the happy go lucky hit the dance move on beat land the punch line on the joke right like just that's that's what i wanted to do when i went out and occasionally i would hit that mark you know more times than not i was just like strangely aggressive you know I'd be in the bar somebody i thought somebody would be looking at me or judging me or whatever and uh and i would just like jump in their face you know i'm like what's going on like just try to like poke the bear start start a fight whatever that was a lot of the that wasa lot of like a specific group of friends that's kind of what we did and then um and then really what started to happen a lot was i would be like the emotional chris you know like out of nowhere i was just like snot crying and nobody wants to be around a large human being snot cry in public you know what i mean and that that is uh and then and then really like there was more times than not i would just hit the whole range of those emotions you So my world got smaller. Less people invited me out. I became more of an ideas guy. I just talked about everything I wanted to do. I wasn't doing anything except what I absolutely had to do, and at that point in my life, I was having fun. I was just living in complete delusion. There were mornings where I would still be drunk at work, and I'd just be like, I'm going to get some good rest tonight. Maybe I'll eat some vegetables, just kind of take it easy. like I did have those thoughts but they would flee you know as soon as I got some food in me and I started to feel a little bit better then I just wanted to drink and that was my cycle you know the event that brought me into Alcoholics Anonymous happened in October of 2010 and I closed the bar down like I normally do and that night I just want them to drive fast right I neglected my father's rule five years before that don't speed you won't get a DUI you know and uh that night i wanted to drive past for whatever reason and I left the bar and it's just like literally one turn like it's a straight shot down like a main road and then turn onto the road that i live on you just kind of climb up this hill levels off there's a slight dip you go straight that's it right and i'm like coming onto the Roadfast already i'm redlining every single gear screaming up this Hill hits the level off point and i hit that dip and the car gets a little shaky and i i hit the brakes right and evidently the physics behind hitting brakes at a high rate of speed is equivalent to hitting the brakes on ice you know just lost complete control over the vehicle i ended up smashing into a telephone pole a tree another telephone pole and then a single family home stopped me you know and it's like 2 a.m on a tuesday i found out uh afterwards through the police report that the speedometer smacks the dash on the initial impact i was doing 130 miles an hour right i had nothing but a burn from the seat belt cars disintegrated like in pieces smoke's pouring out of the hood i'm literally in this house four half four houses away from the house that i grew up in you know and i'm sitting there trying to start the car like freaking out you know the neighbors are pouring out of their house they like come and see what's going on i'm like standing there looking all crazy and they realize it's me they're like oh my god chris are you okay i'm fine are you guys okay they're like we're fine don't worry the police are on their way and i was like oh okay and i kind of like mosey off into the bushes and i take off running you know what i mean and i am in a full long like seven mile an hour sprint and I hit a ditch that I did not know was there just through the old fly swatter into the earth and I'm laying there I can see the front door at this point I'm only two houses away and the sirens are getting louder my adrenaline's pumping and I almost like looking at that door I'm like just take a deep breath and get into the house right and so I take a neat breath I get up I get into The House I take off my clothes I brush my teeth I hop into bed you know fight or flight right I was fly I was gone I left my wallet I left my cell phone I left like an entire range of witnesses the dummy since childhood you know and so it wasn't very long there was a stint of knock at the front door where those fine people made it clear that if I did not come out they were gonna come in and you know common trade I've noticed amongst alcoholics is we tend to make decisions after they've been made for us right and but I'm like sitting there and I'm just I decide I'm gonna come out you know and see what they want and so I go out there I'm going through the sobriety you know whatever ask me all these questions and I met this point adrenaline's worn down I am significantly more intoxicated than the first time I went through this experience and and my knee is blown out right and I was like one of the officers takes pity on me and she's just like do you need an ambulance and I might absolutely because I know if I leave here in an ambulance I'm not leaving here in a police car right so I left there in an ambulance with the police escorted to a hospital where I acquired 19 charges that evening and you know they officers followed him there we went inside or we were in a room and my mom came to get me she was not allowed to see me until the police were done with their investigation and so I can't even imagine what was going through her head right nobody should have walked away from that accident let alone run away from it and uh you know and finally they get done she comes in i lock eyes with that woman and nothing was said she just gives me this look right this look that our literature describes it's pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization you know i mean and i've seen that look many times throughout my entire life but that night it just cut me at my core and we were sitting there for a second and she's just shaking her head right like i can only imagine what's going through her head like what's wrong with you how could you do this you know just the whole gamut she just says you're ready to go and i was like absolutely yeah let's get out of here so we go home my dad greets us at the door on his way to work and he just looks at me you know he's just like this is on you to clean up right financially it's on you you got your one get out-of-jail-free card it's like we'll show up to uh court if it's convenient for our schedule but this is all on you and uh and he walked out the door right and and so I end up getting an attorney from my other degenerate buddies that had a DUI attorney you know and it's much different for the ones my parents paid for it since time I had to pay for and I called them I called out and they had they met with me that morning we sit down and we go over you know I tell him the story there's like a whatever where's retainer and so and uh so they had this the guy had this stack of papers right of all of the counseling services throughout the DC metropolitan area in the very first one was the one that I went to five years prior right and that's that whole coincidence it's God's way of remaining anonymous it's the only piece of paper I took from all these counseling services and I called the number and the same woman who taught that class five years prior answered with a few minutes of talking to me she's like I had a feeling get me back here you know and uh i went by there that afternoon we sat down and uh discussed the set of circumstances at hand and and for the first time in my life i was honest about my drinking right the questions that she was asking me i was honestly with the answer so it wasn't i knew i was not going to finesse my way out of this set of circumstance and she um she told me a few things at the end of that right she said we were going to do 26 month right 26 week intensive outpatient program because i had you know on paper my life was very full i was working full time i had this demanding schedule for the school then i could not miss more than two days a year i'd be kicked out of it like it's a very competitive program and she fortunately recognized that and she was just like all right we're going to do this since my position program and i want you to go to at least two aa meetings a week right and uh if you go to more gotta look better in court but go to at least two meetings a year she said when you go these meetings you're quite literally going to meet every single walk of life you could ever possibly imagine meeting. So just pay attention to what you can relate to and don't worry about the rest, you know? And that really resonated with me. And she said, for these six months, she's like, don't drink. And I was like, lady, I'm never drinking again. And She kind of chuckled at me. She was just like, Don't worry bout it again. Just don't think these next six months. And, uh, I call up Washington DC's area interview and asked if There was an AA meeting in Burtonsville, and they said, yeah, there's one tonight. And I was like, it's been a long day. How about tomorrow? And fortunately, there was. And it was at that property, they told me, and it was the Cedar Ridge Community Church, right, in Burdonsville. So Maryland Thursday nights at 730 p.m. is a promises meeting. And I walked in. The first man that I shook was the guy, Brad, and he just said, welcome. That's the guy that eventually became my sponsor. But not that night. I went in, I couldn't tell you anything about that night or the next several nights. But what did happen is after a few weeks of coming and getting the slip sign, I ended up connecting with this guy in the parking lot beforehand. He had a nice truck and he had like, you know, similar like Fox Racing was like popular tire at that point. He had like some Fox Racing stuff and I liked dirt bikes. And I was like, ah, this guy seems cool. So we get to talking beforehand and we connect. And he had similar circumstances. He just had his second DUI, right? But he had had time in AA before, so he like understood the language and like kind of how things worked. And he left, he relapsed, whatever, got this DUI. He was trying to like rekindle his life, you know? And I like, he had figured out that there's nothing to figure out, right? Like I, like he just, he's like, come in and do the work. And so, and so we connected before the meeting just for a few minutes, right, maybe, maybe a five-minute conversation. We sit down, the meeting opens, the speaker spoke. It took a halftime. After the halfttime, they opened it up for sharing. he shot his hand up and for the first time in my life i felt my feelings put into words you know and i just connected so much for him from what he was saying and at the end of his share he was like i need to get a sponsor i need TO GET SOME PHONE NUMBERS i need TO GET A HOME GROUP i need To START WORKING SOME STEPS i need TO GET some SERVICE and then for the entire rest of that meeting all i thought about was how i don't really know what any of that means but i probably need to do the same thing you know so I asked that guy right if he could sponsor me and he was like yeah absolutely he was called me every day how many days a week did you drink I said every day he's like great go to meeting every day I was like only have to do two he was yeah you put the same effort and energy into your recovery as you did your drinking you have a great chance of staying sober and it made sense you know and and he was like I want you to pick a home group and at that home group I want you to get service right if you do these things you know we'll sit down once a week one hour before the meeting and we'll go through the big book page by page line by line steps I was like sounds great I didn't do any of it right like I got linked up with this other guy we just start going to a lot of meetings all over the place you know by this time it's like late October early November and New Year's rolls around and I was you know I knew enough about the Maryland judicial system like I had a court date on January 9th and uh and I was like I'm gonna go out of town with a couple cousins while I still can leave the state without permission you know and so I went to the Outer Banks with my cousins and I wasn't like I was sharing meetings I was like I've gone out of time before you know whatever my court date just like relax and everything like I was trying to like prep everybody let them know like I am going to do this and they were like look up some meetings down there I'm like I'll be fine right just going for a few nights and coming back and I went down there and I wasn't there for five hours and I was drunk right I was dropped my cousins were well aware of myself circumstances they were like encouraging me not to drink you know they were just like dude what do you do it I thought we were just gonna come like hang out eat some good food relax whatever and I'll spin I was drove because I had no defense against the first drink right and this couple of months have just gone to a lot of meetings and not drinking I started experiencing that physical sobriety I I started sleeping better. I started eating better. I started feeling better, but I wasn't treating the causes and conditions. You know, I hadn't done anything to protect my sobriety except go to a lot of meetings. And I came back, you know, well, before, I mean, literally all I remember is New Year's Eve. It was like 2 or 3 a.m. I was sitting on the deck looking up at the stars with like two fingers left in this bottle of bourbon, and I just felt so empty, so hollow, and so alone, right? That alcoholic loneliness that only a true alcoholic knows. And I just remember staring up in the sky, and the only thing going through my head was like, how did this happen? How did this happened? And when I came back, I picked up a 24-hour chip. I told my sponsor, I was like hey man, I relapsed. He's like hey, man, in order to relapse you have to recover from alcoholism. He was like you're in a 12-step program and you aren't even willing to work the 12 steps. you know it's like you just kind of been around a not really in AA and I have how do you start following suggestions you know and um I heard him right and you know I'm not saying that the legal system has to be a part of your story I'm saying that relapse has to part of your story but for me I needed that attention right my wife's not staying there at Fox not she never got any legal trouble she never relapses a first nighter right she was outstanding program she helps a lot of people and we live a good life and our whole life is AA right but that was my story I needed my ego to be pushed down as much as it could to just just listen show up and listen and do what you guys were doing and so I very quickly I'm still I was already in the routine of going to a lot of meetings right all over the place and so with that routine I just added service positions to all these different meetings you know so that way I was accountable I'd get there early got to stay late right much like what was going on here tonight and um you know i was calling my sponsor constantly i was telling him what was coming on he was taking time for us to get together read through the book and i didn't i did not process what was gone on in this book right like i went to school to learn how to weld like i hadn't read a book cover to cover like i couldn't even tell you the last time like i could kind of one hand how many books i read cover to color when we started reading this book that's written in the 30s i didn t i hadn t there was I was just like yep checking the box right and uh things did not start clicking until I started until I started taking other men through this process but um you know and but he just took his time with me and just explained things best he could to how I could understand it but I just I just continued to stay I just centered myself on alcoholics and all of this right and um and so that goes on time goes on I end up you know picking up these these chips every month I end up getting a year, right? I didn't date in my first year, you know. And then I ended up, like, I'm like, I get the year, I start sponsoring guys. And, you Know, AA is very much the center of my life. And around 18 months, two years, I get into a relationship, right. And if anybody was on the outside looking in, they would be able to recognize it. It's a very toxic relationship. But for me, I was like, this girl's paying attention to me. We should date, right! and the delusion was I would go to an AA meeting and she would go to a bar you know and so that went on for I don't know I think like three or four months I moved in with her like six months it was just like it was terrible she starts cheating on me and I'm like I am a mess right and very quickly like I am just out of my mind the only meeting that I am going to consistently It's this H&I commitment, hospitals and institutions commitment on Friday nights in Southeast D.C., where the bottom level was a homeless shelter and the top level was six-month inpatient rehab. And this is like in one of the worst neighborhoods in Washington, D. C., that I went to every single Friday. I had that commitment for five years, and I know that it's the only reason I'm standing here speaking for you, right? Because I truly was out of my mind. I was just trying to self-will everything that I could. Like this girl became my higher power, you know? I could not believe I'm like going around doing all this great stuff for the community and for myself and helping all these people you know like how dare how could you cheat on me right and I'm just trying to self-will this situation to work and um you know and what what ended up getting pulling me out of that was this guy that I was sponsoring you know I got home from work and I was sitting on the deck or on the front porch just chain smoking cigarettes right staring up at the staring down the street just waiting hoping that I would see her car you know just like crazy and um and this guy that i was sponsoring called me and i looked at his number and i was not going to answer and i did not want to answer but he had court the next day and he had some very serious charges like he was facing a lot of time in prison and all i did was uh you know i looked At the phone i took a breath and he went down with me to saint elizabeth's every friday night for the whole time up until that point when we opened the meeting like you guys did tonight we had a reading of acceptance which is found on 417 and the stories in the back of the book it's his paragraph of acceptance and and we read that every single week you know and when I'm looking at the phone I don't want to answer but I do and all I say is hello and he just started talking to me about acceptance right for his court date the next day the biggest thing that he's ever had to face in his entire life and I put the phone on mute and I just like break down crying you know you know what we need to to talk about i go inside i pack my stuff and i just leave right i got out of that situation you know unfortunately through pain comes growth you know and then i was able to grow through that right and and uh and i sought god i leaned into aa and things kind of uh progressed you know and time went on you know still doing the deal i end up getting into another relationship that lasted like three and a half years and that truly you know there was there was nothing wrong with that relationship and you know we just fundamentally wanted different things out of life but it was healthy enough and we could communicate enough to realize that like we were going to you know this isn't going to work right because every year her lease would come come up and we'd discuss moving in and it just like our values didn't align and so we end up parting ways just no issues right and she's she's living on the west coast doing what she wanted to do and i stayed you know where we live and do all that. And, you know, and in that time while I was dating her, I meet somebody, you know, and she's like kind of new in the program, but I like recognize her spirit. I'm like, she seems fun and, uh, and, you know, but I was very upfront that I was in a relationship. And then the next time we crossed paths, she was in relationship. And then third time we cross paths, it was through God and service. We were both in a place where we were seeking growth. Right. And it was like, truly, I had a, I had conversation with God where I was like in your time you know and um and she was having the same circumstances you know now she's my wife right and uh we got married and and uh and it was just very organic and natural and and i say all that just not just because she's here right now but because it has truly been the most amazing thing that has happened throughout the course of my sobriety you know i can remember i was a little over a year sober i had a commitment at the washington area intergroup on saturday mornings i went down there every saturday with my sponsor for a little over a year you know and uh and he was 10 years older than me and he was dating this girl and we were driving back on saturday he starts talking about you know he's going to propose to his girlfriend and i'm like i'm 24 at the time right and i'M just like are you nuts you know you want to get married and like i'M just peppering him with questions right and then he says i was like do you want gonna have kids and he's like yeah I was like what do you wanna have like boy or girl he was like he's honestly is that I hope I have girls I've got a girl because I love my wife so much the idea of like having us like this little version of her running around makes me happier than absolutely anything in this world and I remember looking at him thinking myself there's no way I'm ever gonna love anybody that much you know then fast forward right and here we are right we uh I understand what you meant by that when we found out we were pregnant you know a big part of me wanted it to be a girl you know because I've never loved anybody that much the thought of having a small version of my wife just made me happier than anything we had a boy was probably better that way because he's just an animal and it's good for us you know it's just been my whole life you know and so crazy because I really for most of my life right most of my life i had this like mantra going through my head where i was like i don't want to get married i don'T want to have kids you know i just want to be this like guy that just works hard has nice stuff and you know goes on these like crazy trips and does cool things right that's what i that was like my goal you know and um as a result of meeting my wife through this program and having the life that we do and putting God first and egg first, it's like I've never been happier. And when reflecting on that mantra going through my head my entire life, what I was telling myself is you don't deserve any of those things. You don't serve to be loved. You don' t deserve to have kids. And I was trying to protect myself from being vulnerable, from ever experiencing that. And that was truly my stance. It has not been easy. Like we've been faced with a lot in time. We've been married October since October of 2020, you know, and we were planning our wedding and it's going to be like 300 people, you know, the pandemic happened, everything shuts down. We already have deposits out for everything. And so it goes from 300 people that we have in our backyard for 26 people, right? Our closest, basically our parents and our closest friends in AA, you know in our backyard and it ended up being beautiful right but uh that july right we got married in october that juli we got into we were both very much into riding dirt bikes and like in the spring and summer and fall and then the winter time we like snowboard and ski and like just travel around right we stopped being ideas people we got in to action and we had things like all these great activities that we do but i uh you know i had like a slight moment of panic when she was trying on her dress i impossibly purchased a new dirt bike that i had no business buying that was like way overpowered way much power more power than i needed and i didn't take the time to like get the bike set up for my weight riding ability which is very important with uh the style of riding we were doing and um we could we go out of town we had a great day like great day riding it's the end of the day we're heading back to the truck i'm like everybody knows where you're at they're like yeah we're good and so i just like take off right i'm going through this field I'm unfamiliar with this field. I just like go I'm like a fourth gear stand-up wheelie like just Flying and I hit some ruts and the bike just like kicks out sideways under me and I just hit the earth Lights out. I lost I have no recollection of the day This is all that's been told to me The only reason they didn't air left me is because I was still conscious, right? And uh, I can't imagine what was going through my fiancee's head at that time but you know, it was it was I know it was scary right and I just kept saying the same thing like man, I was told I kept saying the same things like I don't wrecked often but when I do it counts I think I have a concussion, I think my collarbone is broken. She said I was on repeat with that for 17 hours I didn't even know who the president was and this was during the Trump administration it was bad finally I come to and I end up getting a surgery and they just they put a plate in a cadaver bone and uh right i think i'm healing everything's going good we're gonna set up for this wedding and i missed a lot of time for work and so we go we go out of town for just a few days after our wedding for our honeymoon and we just go to the beach for a couple nights we come back i had a follow-up appointment that tuesday to like just get an x-ray make sure everything's where it's supposed to be so i can start like strength training and uh all the screws pulled out of my shoulder right two to three four days into marriage they tell me they got to cut me open again you know and this time they got to take a chunk of my hip like a cube out of my hip to fill in the gap and they need two plates you know my wife's like a week into marriage they cut me open and um you know this is the first time in my life i've ever had to really first time it's a variety that i had to deal with pain pills you know and that was uh i was terrified right and when when they did the first surgery everything felt better because stuff stopped moving around but when they cut my hip open i've never experienced pain like that in my life and i dated a lot of loose women you know what i mean that was human she's lucky yeah no but it no it was the worst pain i'd ever experienced like words can't even tell you how much pain that was but i was in from that you know and when i came to after the surgery and the nurse is looking at me like we need to push you full of uh whatever that drug is i don't remember what it was some painkiller and i looked at her and i was like there's no way that that i can put this i just heard too many horror stories of people like getting sober having a surgery and coming out addicted right and i Was like i cannot i cannot let that be me and and it was the worst pain i'd ever experienced and you know we got through it and uh fast forward we end up buying this new home we ended up like uh through crazy set of circumstances we were able to remodel it before we moved into it it's an older house and uh so we go in things are moving and grooving right we find out we're pregnant and like all these things start happening you know that my dad he ended up having a stroke uh pretty pretty severe stroke and he had had a stroke years prior when i was still drinking it was like not it wasn't minor but it wasn t big and he was on his 55th birthday and it was enough that like it affected him for a little while but he was still able to work walk do everything you know and i remember when that happened and he was at the hospital i went to visit him for like 15 minutes right like i went there i saw and I left and I drank because I could not deal with it right and uh and so this happened and we knew we needed to show up for him and we did and he was in this rehab place and then his insurance ran out and insert insurance wouldn't cover this facility and our house was one level and he lived in an old house that just wasn't safe for him. And so we moved him in and he stayed with us my wife's seven months pregnant at this point and he's living with us we're taking care of them my mom's staying you know you know she's coming back and forth and during the day when we're at work and uh we end up having the baby i stayed home a week from work and then the sunday before i went back to work he was like he had rehab and things like that at that point so like somebody was coming to the house and he was really strong enough that he could do stairs and so we set up bedroom on his first floor we move him in we're like raising this baby two weeks later their house catches on fire right and they were okay but it uh it got destroyed absolutely destroyed by a caught fire the fireplaces in the center of the house and the fire department just had to cut everything open to make sure they got it and so two weeks into this fresh baby right and my dad moves back in with us and they end up living with us for like six months until they found like an apartment through insurance my mom stayed down the street at her brother's house um because she just couldn't share the same bed with him during that time and it was it was absolutely insane you know and uh just like so scary so terrifying and we were able to we're able to show up for him you know, and just take care of it now like through the amends process like of that living amends with him like there's nothing between us right like my dad you know he did the best he could for us growing up and I had some pretty good deep resentment towards him but there was nothing between us and he just you know he's they're doing okay now they ended up selling that house got rebuilt and they sold it and they downsized to like a little like a 55 plus condo a mile and a half from us now you know they come over weekly and he's he's uh he's still alone he should be in a wheelchair really but he uses a walker because if he's in a wheel chair he just wouldn't do anything and he got like severe saw on dementia and so like some days are better than others but you know all this could have happened regardless of also or not right and so they the fact that we're able to show up for him in a way that like most other people can't write like I didn't realize when I came here you guys were like train your feet to go to meetings train your feet to call people like I don't realize that that stuff was really training me from when life hits you know for when I need to show up in ways i don't know how to show off for by having conversations with you people that have had to show them hard difficult times right and um you know my dad comes over they come over once a week at least for dinner you know they see our kid around and you know we have fun and everything but uh he didn't he really doesn't i mean he i don' t know where his level of focus is but one thing i know for sure is when they leave out of here right like last last week they came over they were walking out and my dad just just like looked at me at the door as he's putting we're putting his jacket on he's just like see you next week you know and the fact that he recognizes that we're consistent in his life enough that he can recall that he's going to come here next week and have a meal it's just something that i would have never experienced without you people right and um you know my mom like where we become a pillar for for them and level of support that you know it's just i'm forever indebted to alcoholics anonymous because because of it right like they my mom has always been like just the the backbone of the entire family that kept everything going and uh for for her to come to me invite for advice or to vent or for anything right like financial um questions and all that it's not just about just like I learned how to balance a checkbook here, I learned how to do my laundry here, I learned how to show up and be an employer. Like I learned everything here, right? I truly grew up in alcohol, it's not like you guys have taught me everything, you know, and just to just to be something stable for her, for my family, like I wouldn't trade for anything. You know, it's like when I really reflect on the journey that I've had and everything and everything that's going on. It's like when I one thing I know for sure and it starts here starts in the rooms but if you take this if you're taking a roll it into all of your affairs right like if I do the hard stuff my life gets easier alright if I if I choose to do the easy stuff my wife gets harder and that seems to be the case all the time right like I uh if I if it's more Chris it's more me if it is more what I want unless God things become a mess you know very quickly and the opposite of that is if there's more God bless me, if I live a life of service I try to stay out of myself and help you guys and I feel fuller and more free than I've ever experienced that I won't trade any of this. Again, if you're new if youre coming back, if your just trying to recommit or wherever you are in your journey you know, just stay cause Alcoholics Anonymous works and I'm not quite out of time but I'mnt going to search for anymore to say because then I'll just start lying and trying to sound cool. Thank you so much for having me and thank you guys. Thanks for letting me share. Okay, incredible stuff. Again, my name is Brian. I'm still in Avalola. A couple quick announcements and we'll wrap up the meeting here. Again the food and the fellowship for this group starts every week at eight o'clock so feel free to show up early if you just want to hang out and enjoy again the refreshments we put out if you do want to get involved in service with this group we got a lot of moving parts we're always looking for people to join up as Ron alluded to before the meeting members of this group have commitments to H&I kind of stuff so if you are interested in doing something like that as I said we have a running one tomorrow night Quaker Town Sunday nights in Quaker town so if he should be interested in doing anything like that bring in a message to the sick and suffering to the front lines you know see me see anybody any home group member after the meeting There's always a meeting after the meeting again There'll be a whole group of us hanging out breaking down the meeting if you do want to help us out with some service work Immediately after the meaning we could always use help putting away the chairs there What else did I forget to mention? We got our CCSG hoodies on display If you want to grab some CCS G swag, you can see me see any home group member after the beating It is customary for us to thank our speakers as they come here on their own time and expense You know They come here to share a message with us that we usually do form a line in the front and we thank our speaker personally. I want to thank everybody for helping out with this group tonight. I want to say thank Jason again, our YouTube guy. Thank Dom for bringing the pizzas. Thank Miss Kaye for taking care of the kitchen back there. Thanks to all our greeters, all our readers and let's give one more round of applause to our speakers. And with that if you do care to join us we have a nice way of closing down the meeting we're going to circle up okay if you do care to join us we'll close the meeting down as always with a brief moment of silence for the still sick and suffering alcoholic inside and outside of these rooms, followed by our Lord's Prayer. Our Father, our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, and as we forgive those who trespass against us, give us not this temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Keep coming back for us to work in you today.