The Selfish Alcoholic Who Stopped Thinking of Himself – Tim H.

About This Speaker Tape

Thursday Night Speaker - 2006

A 45 automatic in the mouth was Tim H.'s only Higher Power until he stopped trying to be the 'special case' in the room. He spent decades cycling through psych units and state conservatorships convinced that alcohol was his only solution for a lifelong burning in his stomach and a mind that wouldn't shut up. After killing a child in a car accident at seventeen he spent twenty-five years refusing to drive believing he was too much of a dirtbag to be behind the wheel. It took a sponsor who was 'bigger than his ego' to smash his habitual lying and force him into a selfless life of service. Change didn't come from a disco-ball Higher Power or just staying physically sober it came from the grueling work of the steps and the realization that he had to stop thinking about himself to finally sleep with the lights off.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Tim H. welcomes newcomers and jokes about those who didn't identify.
• 2:45 Discussion on the importance of a sobriety date and the decision to change his date from 1991 to 1996 due to near beer and medication abuse.
• 5:15 Tim describes his relationship with his sponsor, Johnny H., and the need for someone to 'smash' his ego.
• 8:30 The 'solution' vs 'problem' paradox: how alcohol flipped the switch on his internal anxiety.
• 12:10 The trauma of April 17, 1979: killing a ten-year-old child while driving.
• 16:45 Court martial and dishonorable discharge from the military after being viewed as 'unfit to serve'.
• 21:20 Laughter: Tim discusses the 'ace' of using psych units to get attention and food.
• 25:10 The 'jumping off place': describing the moment of surrender with a gun in his mouth.
• 29:40 Meeting Johnny H. at the Bellflower Big Book group and the start of a rigorous sponsorship.
• 34:15 The process of making amends by learning to drive again after twenty-five years.
• 38:50 The 'quiet head and calm heart'u2014the ultimate gift of recovery.