The Selfish Alcoholic Who Stopped Thinking of Himself – Tim H.

Introduce our main speaker, Tim H. from Long Beach. How you doing? My name is Tim Harding. I'm an alcoholic. I'd like to welcome the new people who identified. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd also like to thank the people who may not have identified. And just to let you know, not to worry, we know who you are. To me, Alcoholics Anonymous is definitely a journey. It's a journey I feel you must take. Because of my involvement in Alcoholics Anonymous, I believe getting in the center of AlcoholicsAnonymous, what I found today to be true is prior to getting sober and long in my sobriety, every psychiatrist, therapist, social worker that ever worked with me told me that I was going to be medicated, institutionalized for the rest of my life, unfit to live in society. And I'm here to tell you that without the program of recovery being in the Center of Alcoholic Anonymous without the steps and the traditions without sponsorship, without my commitment to AA, they're absolutely right. So if you're like me and you're wondering what your problem is or what your case is, I suggest you get in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and just try doing what alcoholics do. You always have the option of going back. I'd like to thank Bob for inviting me here. To me it's an honor and a privilege to be asked to do anything in AlcoholicsAnonymous and I'm here to share that that was not always my story. I'm the type of person that I believe that everything to me was a right and an entitlement. And what that simply means is that if you would ask me to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, I would commit to do it unless something else better came along. It wasn't until I realized that it was a long time after my drinking and in sobriety that people had stopped asking me to doing anything. So it wasn't before I got to the point of surrendering and realizing it is an honor and a privilege to be asked to do ANYTHING in Alcoholic Anonymous. It's then and only then when someone asks me to do something, I do it. It doesn't matter what my head thinks. It doesn'T matter what MyEgo says. The end result is I do what it is that I'm asked to do. I want to say happy birthday to the birthday people. That's really cool. That's Really Cool. I really enjoy birthdays at my meeting. There are three things that I have that are very important to me, and I know based on my experience, the moment that I not have one of these three things, I would not be sober, no ifs, ands, or buts. The first thing that I have today is a sobriety date. If you don't have one, I suggest you get one. Mine is September 9th, 1996. And I'm here to tell you a couple of years ago, I changed my sobriery date from 91 to 96. And what had happened was simply this. The first five years from 91 to 96, I didn't know I was an alcoholic, didn't believe I was in alcohol, thought my case was different. I was still in the system, meaning that I was a conservator. I was awarded to the state of California I had a conservator, a payee, seeing psychiatrists, and I thought my case was different. And the end result was during those first five years, I abused medication. And I also had this thing with near beer. And I thought it was no big deal, you know. And what happened was when I came to my current meeting and I was talking with my sponsor a couple of years ago, what he said was simply this. He said, You know, Timmy, that's between you and your God, whatever you're comfortable with at night. I will give you a cake. at that time it was for 13 years or he said seven years. He said, whatever you're able to sleep with at night. And I'm here to tell you that I was physically sober one more time and I wasn't able to sleep at night because I knew in my soul, in my spirit, that Bigfoot talks about taking the message anywhere, even in bars, unless we're looking for that vicarious pleasure. And I'm here to tell you that when I was drinking my near beer, it wasn't about the taste. It was about every time I ever did that, it was always around people who drank. I never drank it in the comfort of my home watching television. I was trying to seek that vicarious pleasure when I'm trying to work with people and carry the message and have the spiritual awakening to share with them of being sober. My spirit, I knew I was lying. And the same thing with medication. I abused medication. So two years ago when my sponsor gave me a cake, I changed my sobriety date from 91 to 96, and I'm here to tell you that today I am sober. Anything that affects me from the neck up. I'm Here to also tell you it was very difficult, it was a struggle for me to change that because I let go of five years, and all I could think about was if I'm going to change my damn sobriety, it should have been more than medication and near beer. That's the biggest struggle that I had was letting go of five years for near beer, who knew? The other thing that I have that's very important is I have a home group. My home group is the Bellflower Big Book Group. What that means to me is that it's a place that I frequent, that I show up no matter what. I'm there when I say I'm gonna be there, I'm here when I'm supposed to be there. The other thing I have that's very important is a sponsor. My sponsor is Johnny Harris, and what that means to me is that I have a sponsor that's bigger than my ego. I have an sponsor who cares more about my life than he does my feelings because I'm here to tell you that I am by nature of self, thyself. I'm not a compulsive habitual liar unfit to tell anyone, including you, myself, the truth. Unless I'm able to have someone who's able to step inside my head, go up against my ego and smash it and tell me the truth, There will be a period of time before I start believing my lies, and one more time, you're the problem, and I'm a dead man. Thank God for my sponsor who's able, who's bigger than my ego. So for those three things today, I'm grateful for. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I am here to tell you that I didn't come to Alcoholic Anonymous because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn' t come here because alcohol quit working. If that's your story, I feel sorry for you. Alcohol worked great for me. Alcohol was my solution. Alcohol was my God. It was my relationship. It was my job. It was my best friend. Alcohol worked for me. I came here for one reason and one reason only. I shared with you being in the institutions, I was frequenting another institution in San Diego, the San Diego County Mental Health, and I was there a little longer than I had anticipated. I thought maybe a couple of weeks, a few weeks, and eight months later they had given me an ultimatum. They said alcohol is synonymous or the state hospital. Now the only reason why I didn't say the state hospital was, I knew that once they locked that key, I won't get my weekend passes. You see, I remember telling this doctor, you don't understand, I just explained to you, if anyone is an alcoholic, it's my family. I'm not like my family, if anyone needs to be sentenced to you people, it' s them. I am not an alcoholic. Now mind you, If you had asked me what an alcoholic was, i could not tell you, but i knew that I wasn't that. My family was. So I came to Alcoholics Anonymous not knowing what an alcoholic was, sitting in the back of the room and remembering when I was there, it never occurred to me that when they told me AlcoholicsAnonymous, when I had those weekend passes, I would come back smelling like alcohol. It never occurred to me that sometimes I wouldn't come back. You know, it never occurred for me that they kind of frowned on giving you a pass being in a psych unit with the trust of you being better and not coming back. Never occurred to me. It was always them, you, their fault. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous not knowing what an alcoholic was, sitting in the back of the room, in my mind what I would hear people say from the podium was, I used to be an alcoholic, I'm not anymore, my life is wonderful. I remember sitting in a back of room thinking I used to be and alcoholic, I don't drink anymore and I want to die. God, I wish I weren't an alcoholic. I just wasn't getting it. It's easy for me to say that drinking was my problem. A drink has never been my problem. Drinking's always been my solution. Drinks would go in there and flip that switch, and all of a sudden life was okay, you were okay, I was okay. The world was just fine. Just give me my booze. Alcohol was not my problem." My problem always seems to happen. It doesn't seem to happen to you or other people when I'm sober. When I came here, I used to always share the story because from the age of 10 up until my late 30s, I introduced myself to the institutions, the psych units, the medication, the shock treatment, and I shared with you doctors, psychiatrists, social workers, everyone tried to help me. But when I came in here to Alcoholics Anonymous, I thought my problem was low self-esteem, self-worth, what I thought of myself, and i believed that because I had low self esteem. It wasn't until I got involved in the big book after taking the steps that I realized is outlined in the sixth and seventh step. My problem is not low self Esteem, self worth, what i think of myself. The big book says that I'm selfish and I'm self centered is how often I think of myself. Now, I don't know about you, but I think of me a lot. And if you thought of me as much as I thought of myself, you would be depressed too. Who knew? I was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and one of the things, many lies I carried from childhood to adulthood, but many lies that I would share is that I was brought up in a country where I was raised in an interracial family, loving parents, middle class, because I had a lot of shame with my upbringing, and it wasn't years until sobriety after taking the steps that I realized that like I shared with you, the low self-esteem, self-worth was not my problem. Again, I have these many defects of character. My problem was that I'm a compulsive habitual liar. I'm unable to tell me or anyone the truth. The bottom line is my poor dad has been every race other than his own. My dad is African American. My mom is African American. I was raised in a poor family. I had a lot of shame about that. I grew up in a poor country. I lived with that. I was raising a family of drinkers. I must share with you that me growing up around people who drank, I watched alcoholism destroy, kill, and devastate from the age of 10 up until this very moment as I'm watching it kill my family. And I'm here to tell you that it was no big deal. I don't ever remember thinking as a child watching these people thinking, I'm not going to drink. Never crossed my mind. All I used to think about when I grew up was that I'm different from them. I'm like them, but it never occurred to me that alcohol had anything to do with watching these People die. It was no Big Deal to wake up in the morning and watched someone pass that on the lawn. The best way to describe my family is simply this, we didn't have a town drunk, everyone took turns. That's how simple it was for us. I'm watching these people and I'm not knowing what's going on. I was a strange child. I was a weird child. All I remember is all my life from the age of 10 up until this very moment at the age OF 10, I've always had this burning cramping sensation in my stomach that's been diagnosed, many different diagnoses from the age of 10 up to this very moment. Nervous stomach, ulcers, IBS, and it just goes on and on and it was cramping. I'm always having these cold, sweaty palms that I have at this very moment. I'm almost clenching my jaw. I am always tense. My shoulders are always tight and more importantly what goes on is what goes in my head. What goes into my head is what I have, what I don't have, what I want, what i don't want. I live in the past, I'm terrified of the future. I'm not living in the moment. I have three emotions, anger, resentment, fear, and it goes on and on and on and it won't shut up. Now what I'm describing to you is a 10-year-old who needs a drink because you see that's how I am when I'm sober. At the age of 10, it was no big deal waking up, cleaning up the house, and the end result is taking a sip of alcohol. I don't ever remember thinking that I'm going to take this sip and I'm going to feel better, I'm gonna be like them, I're gonna die like them. I'm not gonna pass out. No, I just took a sip if alcohol. What I remember is that burning, crapping sensation in my stomach. It stopped. I remember that my palms of my hands, my cold, clammy palms, they got dry. My jaw, because I would clench and tighten it so much, I felt my jaw relaxing because I never knew how tense it was. My shoulders relaxed. What I remembered more importantly is... You hear that? I ingest a sip of alcohol. Damn. The book talks about men and women drink essentially for the effect produced by alcohol. That was the effect that I had from my first drink to my last drink. I had convinced myself that if it didn't work today, tomorrow with the right combination it will. Because see, the alcoholic life was the only one I knew. I had convincing myself that tomorrow would be different, but I always got that effect. You see, alcohol is not my problem. Alcohol is my solution. I'm seeing these doctors I'm hearing these psychiatrists because in the very beginning all my suicide attempts, all my rage all my homicidal attempts everything that went on happened to me when I was sober it wasn't until I understood alcohol that when I would ingest alcohol everything was just okay but that's how I was when I were sober of course alcohol turned on me later on but see at that time it really didn't matter because alcohol was all I knew so when I'm sober I'm seeing these psychiatrists at the age of 10 and they gave me these diagnoses bipolar, duly diagnosed depression, major depression, schizophrenia psychotic ideations I mean it goes on and on and what they didn't realize is once you give me a label hence do you become responsible to take care of me so I'm frequenting these institutions I'm doing the psych units I'm going to medication and as I'm growing up and I'm getting older the rage is getting more frequent the rage is getting more violent, and I'm sober. It never happened when I'm drinking. I'm also here to tell you that I'm not a blackout drunk. So see, when I do the things that I do when I am drinking, once I enhance my alcohol, I do these things thatI see myself doing but I can't stop it. So when Iam sober, I remember those things and see I need a drink because I am not ablackout drunk so I amnot understanding what's going on. And it's not to say that the doctors were bad people. They were good people that really tried to help me. They did what they thought was best for me. The only problem was that they didn't know they were treating an alcoholic. Because see, Bill W. talks about that saying when he had don't ask, don't tell. Well, see, I was practicing it at the age of 10. You don't asked, I don't told. And if you did ask, chances are I would lie anyways. But the bottom line is it was no one's business. It was no ones business. So these people are trying to help me and I'm taking these medications and I am doing these psych units and nothing is working. Fix me. You gave me the label. You're responsible to fix me. Make it better. Make the pain go away. I believe that, but see, I'm not an alcoholic because I knew that every time they tried to help me I'm still drinking alcohol I'm Still Enhancing My Alcohol because alcohol is the only thing that's working for me I'm growing up in this family of drinkers watching people die and my head is going on and on and what I can tell you is nothing really changed for me and I know that I'm NOT an alcoholic because my family is that is not what makes me an alcoholic I get so tired of people trying to find out my history you know, is it genetic? who cares if it's genetic? The bottom line is I'm an alcoholic. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic What I need to know is that When I ingest alcohol It sets a phenomenon of craving That I take a drink My drink takes a drink And then the drink takes me And I'm unable to tell you how many drinks I'm going to have after that What I'm gonna do, what I'm wanna say And where I'm gunna end up That's what makes me an alcoholic Not that my family is dying from alcoholism It has nothing to do with what makes you an alcoholic What also makes me and alcoholic Is not just when I'm drinking I'm insane. What makes me an alcoholic is when I'm sober, I go insane. I simply go insane, that's what makes me an alcoholic. At the age of 17 because I'm drinking, I'm not drinking frequently it's not really getting bad, it's only bad when I'M sober and at the age of 17, because see I like to drink and drive and I'm here to tell you that April 17th, 1979 I remember that day because April 16th was my birthday April 17 was the day after I'm driving my car and a 10 year old walks in front of me and I kill him But you see, if circumstances and experience was enough to get us sober, I would have been sober at the age of 17. But you See, I was just getting started. My experience drinking is not enough to get an alcoholic of my type sober because I should have been sober then but see my keen alcoholic mind told me that dirt baths like me don't deserve to drive so April 18th of 79, I swore I would never drive again and I was okay with that and I hadn't. But you say I have to have my alcohol, I have to drink because now I have one more thing that I've done in my past that's keeping me up at night, that I need to have alcohol to quiet the head. What began to happen is simply this, is I'm looking at my family, I'm dying, I're uncomfortable, nothing's working, I don't know what's going on, they don't fix me and I decide, I remember watching this commercial and it talks about the military be all you can be and I had this bright idea that I was going to join the military, come out to California and be all I can be and I'm here to tell you that 1979, I joined the military came out to California and I was all I could be and then some until they asked me to leave. Now I don't know how the military asked you to leave but how they askedme to leave was simply this I stood in front of a court martial, the judge said forfeiture of all pay, reduction of rate to E1 dishonorable discharge of 15 to 25 years I remember looking at this judge remind you now, this is the same judge that I had made E6, that had written a letter for me to be promoted to officer of candidacy. This is the same judge who I worked for because I was in the legal field. They had faith in me. They had trust in me to saw the potential. And this is the same judge that looked me in the eye and for that brief moment, I saw that look that I hope I would never see again another person, that look of betrayal, that look of disgust. And in my mind, in my keen, sick, alcoholic mind, I had a flashback of thinking, okay, I'm in Milwaukee and I said I was going to join the military. If it's going to be different, I'm going to get the education. I'm going to make something of my life because I'm going to prove to my family I'm not like them. I're better than them. I'm different than them, but I flash back. I've standing in front as judge and the last thing he says was you are unfit to serve in my military. Get the hell out, but see it's not my fault. It's their fault. It's the race thing fault. It's society's fault. I am a depressed man. It's your fault. You should fix me. One more time I'm unable to see the actions that I took one more time or the consequences that I paid. But it's your fault. Now, I'm here to tell you that, of course, I didn't serve 15 to 25 years, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I did serve three years and telling myself one more times that it's going to be different. But I'm hereto tell you that what I realize now is that it doesn't matter what my dreams are. It doesn't mater what my goals are. It doesn' t matter how much hope that I have that my life is going to get different. The moment I ingest alcohol, all my dreams, goals, all my desires cease to be anything other than I have to drink. Alcohol has to be first. When I served my time and I got out saying it's going to be different, it can't be different if all I know is drinking. I get out one more time. I have to share with you that during this time, I'm still frequenting the psych units. I'm frequenting the psych unit from the age of 10 up until the age 30 because, see, the psych unions work for me. Some people get it in jail, prison. Some people do. Psych units, tomato, tomato. Psych unions work for mí. How they work for mi is simply this. When Iím out there, I donít take care of myself. I don't eat, I don'T bathe, I DON'T do the things I need to do. I can go to the psych unit, get the medication, get the food, get meals but see more importantly I can get your attention because see I'm the alcoholic that I thought a thief was someone that stole your stuff. They stole your money, they stole your jewelry, they stole you cars but see I am not the type of thief that I would steal your love. If I know for any moment that you have any affection for me I will suck you dry. I'm a thief and see I didn't know that but when I went to those places I could get that. I can get that attention, I can get that I can get that um that emotional uplift just to go back out and do it my way one more time because see I'm a selfish alcoholic and it's not personal but I would just suck you dry until either you leave or or I leave when I just go find someone else but you see I didn't know that so the psych unit has always worked for me even when they didn't work for me. When I got out of my own I call it my unfortunate incarceration and I ended up in the San Diego County Mental Health I couldn't really tell you the circumstances I have an idea because I only have one pattern and nothing's new in my life, and I'm there for eight months and I, I'm awarded to the state of California and I've been sent to a boarding care because you see I have these issues. And I'm going to these meetings and I am dying. I'm physically sober, emotionally insane and I' m dying. I'm doing the medication I'm, I am doing the psych units, I' am doing the shock treatment. I' M doing all these things because you don't understand I'm an alcoholic addict who is bipolar. You know, I had all these different labels and I was just never an alcoholic because see what I was telling you was thank you for sharing but you don't understand my case is different I don't have to do what it is that you do I'm different I didn't know that but see my actions told you that because I never did what you did because I'm not like you so I'm coming to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm dying I'm physically sober emotionally insane and I'm here to share with you that I'm the type of alcoholic too there are certain meetings an alcoholic of my type does not need to go to it's not to say that they're bad meetings what it's to say is an alcoholicof my type will die in those meetings. The meetings that were killing me, that I was dying in while I was sober were the meetings that told me you need to get a higher power even if it's a disco ball. The meanings that I went to said you know what Timmy? You're right where you're supposed to be. Now I'm physically sober and I want to blow my brains out. The readings that I've went to and I hear it a lot and they talk about it. Don't drink no matter what even if your ass falls off. Now, I'm here to tell you that if you put me in enough pain for any considerable time, I will be drunk long before my ass hits the ground. But see, I'm going to your meetings and I'm sober. When people say go to meetings, meetings, meetings, I was going to meetings. Meetings, meetings. And I'm dying. So when I'm gone to these meetings, what began to happen, and the big book talks about it, it says that someday we'll be unable to imagine our life either with alcohol or without. We've been alone in this such as few do. We will be at the jumping off place we will wish for the end. Now, what I'm here to ask you is if you're physically sober and you're insane, what do you do? If you're physical sober coming to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't have a sponsor, what did you do if you physically sober? And you sleep with the lights on because every time you go to sleep, you wake up with the nightmares of everything you have done. What do you? I'm going to tell you what an alcoholic of my type does after being physically sober for a period of time at three o'clock in the the morning, reality has a tendency to hit. It doesn't hit me in the meetings, it doesn't hit me anywhere else other than when I'm with myself. That's where alcoholism finds me most vulnerable. At 3 o'clock in the morning reality hit that I have no God, I have no sponsor, I don't believe in any program. My higher power was a 45 automatic in my mouth. But you see, I'm sober. I'm here to tell you that I'm the alcoholic that when you tell me to go to meetings meetings meetings you need to follow through with telling me what to do once I go to those meetings because I will sit in your meetings and I will die everything's fine I'm okay I'm not like you and I'm dying because I remember at that time when I was sitting on my couch at three o'clock in the morning and I was shaking and I Was crying as if my insides wanted to go outside my outside want to go inside what I remember was I didn't want to drink I didn''t want to be sober I didn ''t want to live I didn' t want to die at that brief period I thought I was going insane is I'm putting that gun in my mouth. The only thing I can do because I just shared with you, I had no program. I had no God. I have no sponsor, but I had sobriety. The best I could do was say, God help me. Because see, I have had no God, I didn't disbelieve in a God. I just never had a God of my own. All they did was gave me a moment's release that one more time I was able to make it to another day. A friend of mine took me to the Long Beach Community Hospital. I went there and what they told me was this, you know what Tim, why don't you take you'll feel better. I said, no, no thank you. They said, Tim, why don't you take this? You'll be able to sleep. No, no. Thank you. When I got out of that place, this person met me out there and what she said was it doesn't work anymore. Does it? How did she know? But I'm here to tell you that when she told me that a fear hit me on like any fear has ever hit me because see the institutions had always worked. That was always my ACE. WhenI realized it didn't work, a fear hit me because what am I going to do? I have no program. I'm not an alcoholic. I am not like you. The institution doesn't work. What am I going to? What happened was simply this, we went to a coffee house. I remember sitting down telling this person, I said, you know you remember when I told you that I come from an interracial middle-class loving parents and the person said yes. I said I lied. You remember when i told that I worked with newcomers and and I've taken the steps and a person said, yes, I said I lie. Now I'm here to tell you that i didn't wake up that morning saying that I'm going to tell someone the truth because I just told you I'm a compulsive habitual liar. I'm incapable of telling anyone the truth. That was not my thought. I believe that everything that I had I was going to take to my grave because it's none of your business. What I believe happened was a week prior to when I was sitting on my couch with that gun in my mouth and I said God help me that was a surrender. That was a bet to a surrender that I can identify with or understand for that brief moment I threw in a towel and said you know what I'm done. That's the only way that I will be able to do anything that you suggest for me to do is I have to be done. I'm here to tell you that a pain is a motivator. It would either get you into the actions or it would get you drunk. You don't get two choices. At that moment, I had surrender. I'm telling this person the truth and what this person told me was the first time anyone had ever told me the five years prior to being an alcoholic synonymous that was the beginning of my sobriety. What she said was, you know what, Tim? You haven't had a drink in five years since drinking is not your problem. Your problem is your sobriety. Unless you find a way to live sober where you have a quiet head and a calm heart, you're going to either drink again or you're gonna blow your brains out. Now, you see that I understood. For once, someone said something I identified with. I hadn't drank. Why am I so miserable? Because I thought you put the plug in the jug, you get the Espro, you get Mercedes, you get relationship and everything is okay. Why am i so miserable when I'm sober? because I hadn't adhered to a set of principles. I had not taken the steps. I don't believe in newcomers or anyone other than me. I'm incapable of getting outside of self, so what happens is you have an alcoholic Tim who just simply doesn't drink, but Tim is still the selfish alcoholic. What began to happen is during this time that I was dying in these meetings, a friend of mine, her name is Candace Moore. She happens to be my best friend. She was coming to the meetings that I went to and she carried a message to a dying man who was sober. I remember when I first met her, actually she spoke at this meeting. I thought she was the most arrogant woman I've ever seen. And that's an attraction because, you know, kind of go there. And I remember when she was there, I thought she was arrogant and self-centered. When she wasn't there,I was looking for her. You know, I wasn't understanding. What I realized is this person had something that I never had. I would see something in her eyes. This woman had a love for Alcoholics Anonymous unlike anyone I had ever met. And see, I'm the type of alcoholic that when you have something I can't have, I can help but to hate you. And it's not personal. It's just how I am. I want what you have. I just don't want to do what it is you do. Where is mine? What I have, what I don't have. What I want, what i don't want. Where is my during this time um my friend canis had mentioned about her home group the bellflower bigfoot group mind you i've never heard of it but uh she talked me into going there one monday night and i remember when i walked into the bell flower bigfoot group there were two impressions that still stays on my mind when i walked in there two things occurred to me bellflower was bright and it was white Now, I'm here to tell you that my hat is off to the person who doesn't see color. But you see, that's not my story. My story is if you don't look like me, if you don't act like me. If you weren't raised like me it's not personal. Thank you for sharing. But you can't understand me. I remember turning around and telling my friend Candice, you know what? I can't stay here. And what she said was, what choice do you have? Now, my best idea on a good day was a 45 automatic in my mouth. So I remember I sat in that seat and I kind of kept my head down because I'm sober, I'm full of shame, I'm filled with guilt, I am full of anger and full of fear. I heard a lot of people share it. I remember I heard this man identify himself as Johnny Harris, no big deal. I remember one of the things he said was drifting in and out of total insanity and my head shot up who said that? I remember he talked about that every time he was confronted about his drinking, he was physically sober as he was at that moment and my had shot up. Who is saying that? He talked about that if the alcoholic fails to adhere to a set of principles, one of three things will happen. They will either drink, go insane or blow their brains out. And my head shot up because you see I just told you I see color. I couldn't identify the messenger from the person standing in front of me. He also talked about what really got me was he talked about the atrocities that he had done that he had done, that he remembered when he was sober, that he would wake up with the nightmares. And then the identification hit. Because for that brief moment, I didn't see color. But you see, I still think the way I think, and I knew that I had to ask that man to be my sponsor, but my fear was is that you naturally think the way that I think. So I thought he would tell me I don't sponsor people like you. It's like a thief thinking everyone else is a thief and a liar thinks everyone else has a lie. I don' t know about you, but hey, maybe some people are special, but that' s how I am. I asked this man to b e my sponsor. He said yes. And what began to happen is I can tell you that I had no idea. He had me to do the weirdest things. He first told me these meetings that I was to go to, and I'm thinking, what does that have to do with my depression? He told me that I needed to work with newcomers and get a commitment. I'm thinkin', what does it have to deal with me sleepin' with the lights on? Because, you see, by that time, I'm in my late 30s, and I still sleepin'' with the light on. I couldn't understand what commitments had to do with me sleeping with the likes on. He told m to work wit newcomers. I'm like, what does tha have to d with the nightmares that I have of all the atrocities in a 10-year-old that I murdered. You see, I didn't get it. When he told me that he wanted me to call him every day and I'm thinking, you know, that's fine, but, you Know, what does that have to do with me? And see, I'm still thinking in the back of my mind that though they took that gun, I'm going to get another one because I'm still thinking of suicide. I'm here to tell you that prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, long into AlcoholicsAnonymous, my first thought that I had when I woke up was suicide. My last thought before I went to bed was suicide I didn't think it was any different. I didn'T think when you said you had a clear head that you were telling the truth because I've never had a Clearhead. I've Never Not Been Depressed. I've Ever Not Been Suicidal. I've NEVER NOT BEEN HOMICIDAL. I'VE NEVER HAD NIGHTMARES. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WAIT FOR THE MIRACLE. WHAT MIRACLES ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT? I AM MISERABLE. I'M PHYSICALLY SOBER. THERE IS NO MIRACCLE. I BELIEVE THAT YOU HAD A GOD THAT COULD NOT CARE FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME THAT MAYBE YOU DID have a God, but see your God couldn't love someone like me because apparently I haven't been cured from this mental obsession that I have when I'm sober. So keep your God. My sponsor began to get me busy in Alcoholics Anonymous and every time I thought of suicide, like Monday, I had the commitment. I said, I'm going to do it Wednesday. I get a phone call and someone said, you know what, Tim's sponsor speaking. So it's like, you knows what, I'll do it Thursday. So each time I planned to do something always came up and I didn't know. You see, I am a type of alcoholic that when I am depressed it never occurred to me to come to you people I would go to my doctor get my medication changed when I was suicidal never occurred for me to work with newcomers I would just have myself institutionalized you know it never occur to me that if I have these other problems and I'm an alcoholic one of the two is going to lose out and it was always Alcoholics Anonymous so when Johnny had me doing these things and mind you I'm still a little surrendered I'm I'm surrender I'm doing these things it wasn't until we gave him my cake for my first year that he said you know what Timmy have you had a gun in your mouth this year? And I said, no. I haven't had a gun in my mouth. I stepped with the lights off. I got it. Now, if you were to ask me when it happened, I couldn't tell you. What I'm here to tell you is my sponsor, Alcoholics Anonymous, got me so busy thinking of you that I wasn't thinking of me. You see, that's the problem. When I think of self is when I begin to go insane because of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program of recovery. To me, Alcoholics Anonymous is not a selfish program. Please, we're selfish by nature. Don't give me permission to be selfish. It's about a selfless program. It''s about me being willing to put another person's needs ahead of myself. Then and only then can I get that quiet head and that calm heart because without it, I'm a dead man. There's been a few things in sobriety that I shared with you that April 17, 79 when I had that accident and killed a 10-year-old well three years ago my sponsor came to me and said you know what Timmy it's time to drive three years before I remember thinking you've lost your damn mind I'm a thinker I remember just explaining to you why I still have those nightmares I just explained to you while the mere thought of getting behind the wheel of a car I had these panic attacks I just explain to you that I still have that burning sensation when I see kids crossing the street but see, one more time I was surrendered so what I'm thinking is what came out was what do I need to do what my sponsor told me was this he said you know what it's time for you to give back to the people that's been giving you rides for 25 years he said it's Time for You to pick up the newcomers see he didn't say do it for me because I had already decided 20 plus years ago that dirtbags like me don't deserve to drive and I was okay with that I didn't want to drive but when he said You one more Time he had me do it for you. So I did what I needed to do three years ago. I got behind the wheel of a car through the California driving school, and I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I remember when it was done, and the woman would say, Mr. Harding, you can let go of the steering wheel. I mean, because I was just that tense and afraid. And my response to her was, well, wouldn't I have to take the test again? She said, oh, you don't understand, Mr., Harding. You passed. Now, a lot of times, a lot of things we take for granted. My hat is off to the BMW, the Mercedes, and I really didn't care because I didn't have any intensive driving. And I'm here to tell you that sometimes when I'm behind in the wheel of a car, it's like I'm just so grateful. Because see, I didn't know that that was part of my amend step. I had written the letter to the child, but see, that wasn't enough. When I had gotten my license and my sponsor said, you know how not to kill another 10-year-old? I said, no, sponsor. He said, don't drink. Who knew? But see, I had to get my license I had to one more time surrender because see I'm the type of alcoholic that when you tell me to do something I need to know why what am I going to get out of it but see when I get like that I'm not surrendered I have to have faith that maybe he knows what it is he's talking about that if I'm thinking of you one more times I take the action and the end result was is that I have made my amends I don't have those panic attacks we talk about money property and prestige a lot of property, a lot of money. We talk about vacations. I'm going to share with you that when I go back to the hotel tonight, I'm not going to sleep with the lights on. Cha-ching. That doesn't show the W-2 fork. When I'm asleep tonight, I'm here to tell you that I won't wake up with the nightmares of the things that I've done. Cha-cing. Doesn't show on a credit card. I'M NOT HERE TO PUT DOWN THE THINGS THAT WE EARN, THAT WE WORK FOR, BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE GIFTS THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN PLACE A PRICE TAG ON. YOU CAN NOT PLACE a price tag on my quiet head and my calm heart. Because you see, what I realized is that's all I've ever wanted. I just wanted to stop hurting. I wanted to be able to lay my head down and sleep. I want the committee to stop. The committee doesn't stay stopped because I don't stay surrendered. So one more time, my pains, my actions causes me to surrender one more times to my sponsor. I recently went back home. I was sharing with Bob. I went home in September of last month to make an amends to my family because I left home in 79 swearing and never go back. And I was okay with that. He told me last year, September, don't you owe them an amens? Do it for them. So I went home. I'm here to tell you that we talk about making amends to family. And sometimes they say, you know what? I just want you to be sober. And that's the gift you can give back to me. Well, that's not my story. Sometimes people don't forgive you. Sometimes we get so insane trying to make amends that we create wreckage. I flew back to Milwaukee. I'm trying to make amends. I'm creating wreckage, and I almost drank. I'm here to tell you that the best I can do because my feet has been trained in Alcoholics Anonymous is that one more time I was talking to my sponsor, what he said was you call the airline, you get on a plane, you come back home to me right now. You did what you were supposed to do because, see, I didn't know that. I'm going to close with this because I really don't have much to say. What I've learned is if you continue to do what you're doing, you will continue to get what you'RE getting. If you're sitting in the room of AlcoholicsAnonymous right now, you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you don't know if you want to be here, if you're going to stay here, you don't have to do what it is we do and your rest is irritable and discontent as it talks about in the big book and the doctor's opinion, rest is irritable, discontentedness. We can again experience that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks, continue to do what you're doing, you will continue to get what you are getting. On the other hand, if you're sitting here right now and you have a quiet head and a calm heart, it doesn't matter what you have materially. It doesn't matter what you have physically. If your head is quiet and your heart is calm, continue to do what you're doing. You will continue to get what you're getting. I'm going to continue to what I'm doing. And on some days, I'm gonna do more. My name is Tim Harding. I'll be back. Thank you for letting me share.