The Second Story and the End of the First Story – Russell S.

And my name is Russell Spatz and I am an alcoholic. Hi everybody, and I'm a member of the Carl Gables Group, and I haven't found it necessary to have a drink, nor have I had a drink since January 25th, 1981. And I'm grateful to God for that, who I give all credit to for everything that's happened in my life. And a lot of great sponsors and older members of Alcoholics Anonymous that have helped me along, and a lot of people who I've gotten help from by example in this program. And I'm just going to talk a little bit about my experience in this fellowship. We're on step four tonight, and I'm going to actually maybe touch upon that a little bit. It might be a little different than you're used to hearing from other individuals the way I do the steps. So I've been doing step series like this for close to 27 years. And, you know, I heard when I first came in here that your story will change. I mean, indeed it does change because when I First Came In, you know, it says we talk about what it was like and what happened and what it's like now. Well, all I had was what it Was Like. I didn't have a lot on, you Know, What It's Like Now. And as you stay sober over a period of time, you I guess the drunk-a-logs get shorter, and what's going on in my life now and what has happened over the last 30 years becomes more evident to me. Maybe I even realize a few more things. I'm like the guys in the back of the big book who wrote this thing who say at the very end, we know but a little. I don't know much. I really don't. You should have called me when I first came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew everything. I've gotten progressively dumber since I've been in AlcoholicsAnonymous. I'm so stupid now that I must be not that bright because, as I've said many times before, all the guys I sponsor tell me I don't understand. So obviously I'm not doing that well. But in any event, I'm going to just share with you a little bit in my own words, in my old language what's going on with me. And when I first came in, I did a lot of – when I was doing the steps, I focused a lot on how I did them and how to do them. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's a lot of people that can tell you how they did them and how-to-do-them. And I would suggest to you that if you read the big book about Alcoholics Anonymous, especially on Step 4, there's a chart. Let me find this one. There's is a chart, and you can follow specific instructions as to how to fill out this chart. I mean, it's basically four lists and they'll tell you how to do it and what to do and how to think about it. And you can even go up to your, you're not going to believe this, you can actually get a sponsor and go up those sponsors who's gone, who's actually gone through the steps and say, how do I do this? And now this is a scary thing. You can follow his direction and that'll do that. So I'm not here to do that, I'm here to talk, I want to dig a little deeper, I wanna, you know, after 30 years I like digging a little bit deeper in the well, you know. because I'm convinced that what I really want to talk about is what these steps meant to me, have meant to be over a period of time and why I needed to do them and what has happened to me as a result of my doing these steps in a way hopefully to maybe inspire people as to what you can get out of this thing. Because I believe it says if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length you get, then you're ready to take certain steps. And a lot of people balk at these things or they don't do them because they don'T really, you know, maybe they'LL settle for it. We settle for a lot OF stuff, you know? And, you KNOW, one of the things I said when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous is I came in today when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. I mean, I drank because it worked for me. Because it was the greatest cure for my alcoholism. You know, I learned after I came to AA is alcoholism is what happens to you when you're sober. I didn't even suffer from alcoholism when I was drinking. I suffered from something called drunk. It's different. You know? Drunk, you know, if I take an alcoholic and put him here and a non-alcoholic put him here, and they each drink a bottle of rum. They're both going to be drunk, and you won't be able to tell the alcoholic from the non-alcoholic. But alcoholism is something that happens when you haven't had a drink. And I never allowed alcoholism to take any foothold in my life because the moment alcoholism started with me, the moment I saw alcoholism five miles away on the horizon, I would say something like, I need a drink I'll bet you would say that too. I'll bed if I was to talk to you, I'd say, you know, when you were feeling a little restless or irritable or discontented or bored or sorry for yourself or happy, did you ever say, I need a drink? I'll bet I'm not the only one here who said that. You know, and I'd need a drinking. You know what I'd do after I'd have the drink? It would get rid of the alcoholism. It was my cure for alcoholism because alcoholism is something that happens to you when you're not drinking, when your sober. That's what it says in our book. It says men and women drink because they like the effect produced by alcohol. They are, and they're talking about us sober, they are restless, they aren't irritable, they are discontented in a state of dis-ease unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Drinks which they take with impunity. So, you know, if you're sober, you've got a problem because that's when alcoholism strikes. I'll tell you what alcoholism strikes. When you're 18 months sober, and you haven't had a drink in 18 months, and it's 3 o'clock in the morning, and You've Got a Thousand Voices in Your Mind, What am I going to do about this? What am i going to about that? There's no meetings going on. There's nobody to call, and your going out of your skin, and Your Going Crazy, and Your Saying Things Like, Now I Know Why I Drank. And You're Not Suffering From Alcohol Consumption. You're Suffering from Something Called Alcoholism. And the problem with alcoholism is if the only problem you have is drinking alcohol, I'm going to save you a lot of time and a lotof money. If that's your only problem, drinking alcohol? Then what you need to do is stop drinking. You don't have to go to meetings. You don' t have to do anything. That's all. Just don't drink. You don''t have to throw the dollar in the pot. Don't drink and see how that works out. But if you're like me, where after you stop drinking, you go through all sorts of vagaries and problems and emotional twists and turns and, you know, and uncomfortability even when you're sober. That's because you suffer from something called alcoholism. And the problem with alcoholism is it continues even after you put the plug in the jug. And you want to know something? Alcoholics, we used, I used alcohol to solve my alcoholism problem for many years because nothing worked quite as well as just a few drinks. No woman, no suit of clothes, no amount of money, no car, no nothing worked quite at all and not quite as well as whacking just a few drinks down. And so I drank it. But you want to know what I learned? After you come to AA, if you don't treat alcoholism, I can use other things to cure that alcoholism. I can used cars to cure alcoholism They work for like an hour or two. You know, I've used cars to cure alcoholism. They do. I remember buying my first car, my first new car. I got one of the first new Camaros in 1971 as it rolled off the assembly line. And I came into a few bucks and I went down and I said I had to have that car because I was also in love with women. I know you guys don't understand this. You don't know what it's like. But I knew I was going to find her. I knew a Playboy Bunny would cure my problems. I'm sure you're laughing, you don't know what it's like. I knew if I could only marry Miss America, Miss January, you know, my problems would be solved. I spent years of money, I spent ears of searching in bars to find that woman that would fix me up. And, you know... And, of course, cars were really important because if you had a car, a nice car, you could get a woman. If you had an job, you can get a women. If you have money, you got a woman and, you know, I would never think of women as drugs or like alcohol but you want to know something? You know what our 12 and 12 says when you get to step 7? It says we don't want to deprecate material things and then right after they say that in the way, you how we do it in AA, we say things, we don�t want to scare away the alcoholics so so so we we sort of water it down you say we don't want to deprecate or put down material things so you breathe a sigh of relief but your whole life is about stuff you know but the next sentence is but no person no type of person has made a worse job of it than us we always cry for there's never enough money prestige or romance yep they love love romance right into that deal. And if you don't understand how the world and people in the world affect you and your mindset about yourself, you're never going to understand how serious this disease is because you'll come into an... I'm going to tell you something. You'll go out here, you'll walk out of these rooms, and as you're driving home, and I want you to do this, you'll look at the billboards with the Rolex watches, the scotch, the jewelry, all the stuff they have in those billboards, the vacations. You'll look at The Magazines. You will look at Julia Roberts Pretty Woman movies, the romantic comedies. You look at these soap operas. You go out of this room. You listen to the conversations on the TV, what you're being shown, what the world is about, what success is, what a happy person is, what you're supposed to have. You'll be flooded with that for 10, 20 hours of the day. And if you don't think it affects how you think about yourself, how you judge yourself, what you think about yourself the conversations you have with your friends I can promise you now the conversations you have with your friends what you talk about with them what you talk about with people are the conversations you're having with yourself, whether you know it or not, all the time, even when you're alone. And if you're lucky, you get into an A meeting for maybe an hour a day. Of course, if it's a discussion meeting, most of the time they're discussing how they don't have that stuff that's on the billboard, or how they're going to lose that stuff on the Billboard, so you can't even escape it then. And it's all around you. And you don't really see the world or yourself the way it is. You see it the way you are. And I never realized how much this stuff affected me. It affected my walk vision of who I am and what I am and what is important because I had so many old ideas that I didn't want to give up. Believe me, giving up alcohol was just one of the old ideas. I remember I got that new car. I ran down there. I had to have it. Do you ever have to have something? Do you every say things, I need a car. I need a new car. You know, I ran down there and I wanted to have it. They said we have to prep it. I said no, no, you don't have to prepare it. He says no,no, you've got to come back tomorrow. I couldn't sleep. I finally ran down here at 10 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday morning. The car was ready. It was gorgeous. It was the new Camaro with the fastback. It was gold, like metallic gold with a white Landau top. I got in that car with that new car smell. I drove it down Alton Road. It was Saturday morning at 10 o'clock. There was nobody on the road. I felt, I swear to God, I felt like I was driving through Yankee Stadium. I thought everybody in the entire world was watching me. You ever drive in that new cars? You just know they're all looking at you. I'm okay now. I'm on top of the world now. I'm better than anyone now. Look at me in my new car now. I stopped at a red light. The alcoholism was gone, or was it? You know when you're feeling on top of the world because of the car and you're okay now because of a guy? That's just as much of alcoholism as when you feel like a piece of crap because you don't have a car. There's no difference. The same guy who feels like he's got the world by the hoosets because he's Got Money or Power Women, that same attitude, the same thought process is what tells you you're a piece of crap because you don't have that stuff, where you judge yourself by stuff. One goes along with the other. It's tied in. I stop at a red light. Guy pulls up next to me in a new Cadillac with a good-looking blonde sitting in the passenger seat. I look at him. He looks at me. I say, why can't I have a Cadillack? Why can't I have that gal? The new car deal lasted for three blocks. The payments lasted 36 months. Kept me coming back every two years to get another one. I was addicted to it. I was addictive to it because I knew somehow that when things were bad and things were crummy, if I just had a new car or a new woman or a news suit of clothes or a haircut or lost 10 pounds or all the stuff you could or, you know, whatever. What do ladies do? I guess they dye their hair color. Whatever. A new blouse. Anything to somehow the vanity stuff. That would fix me. And you know why? Because it would. Like a booze for a second or for a minute or for a moment or for an hour or for a week whatever and the only problem was then I was back to me and sobriety and my dis-ease which is alcoholism so I don't care whether you chew your booze, whether you buy your booze whether you take your boozes to the movies and out to dinner whatever it is I found that I use a lot of things in this world just like I used alcohol you know and I gotta tell you something you fall in love with the things of this world it's like they say in the Bible. You can't do God and man, but the things of this world, there are consequences to that. One of the things I said just now, I stopped drinking when the consequences of my drinking came at me fast and my ability to lower my standards. What I've learned about alcoholics and alcoholism is we have, especially intelligent alcoholics, and we know we're all brilliant, we have an incredible way of telling ourselves rational lies, of rationalizing things. And no matter how bad things get for us, No matter how bad things can get in our lives, no matter how many relationships we ruin, no matter How much we hurt ourselves financially and physically and every possible way you can imagine, we could somehow tell ourselves that we're okay and there's no problem. We can somehow do that deal. Tell ourselves a story. We all have stories. It usually sounds like it's not my fault. I'm not to blame. I didn't do it. some other guy did it even if I did it I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't have done this you know some sort of truth we tell ourselves that we're satisfied with but it's a lie and we don't even know it's alive and we'll defend that truth to the death and so I come in here and here's what happens I walk into Alcoholics Anonymous I stop drinking you know unfortunately that's just the tip of the iceberg because now I'm feeling everything I'm living life everything has happened to me and I don't have the cure. I don'T HAVE MY MEDICINE. NOW I HAVE TO LIVE LIFE HEAD ON. I HAVEN'T LIVED LIFE HeAD ON SINCE I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, SINce I POPPED MY FIRST DRINK. AND NOW I Have To Live Life Head On As A 30-Year-Old Man Or A 31-Years-Old Man With All The Problems And All The Stuff That'S Still Going On. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED THIS, THAT WHEN YOU GET SOBER, GOD DOESN'T STOP THE WORLD AND SAY, LISTEN, THERE'S GOING TO BE NO MORE FPNL bills. Don't worry about taxes. You don't have to worry about budgeting your money. I'm stopping everything until you feel better about yourself. I don't know whether you noticed this, but the world continues on. The bills still have to be paid. Traffic is still going on. Stuff is still happening. And I've got to sort of learn this thing, not in the laboratory, but like on the job training on how to be an adult and a grown-up, and somehow put all that together and not blow my brains out. Or using alcohol or drugs or anything to make myself feel better, and I don't know how to do that deal. Because, as I said to my sponsor, because I'm sensitive. He said, Rush, you're not sensitive. Great artists are sensitive. You're just touchy. And of course, what I try to use on it, because I'm so brave, is my brain. I know the big book says stuff. It says a lot of stuff, doesn't it? We read a lot of stuff. What does it say? It says we cannot manage. Here's the three things. Number one, we read them every time. We cannot manage our own lives. Three pertinent ideas that we find out. Here's The Three Pertinent Ideas. You know, one of the things I talked about the last couple weeks is I talked about one of things I learned about my alcoholism is when my first wife told me you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. You come home drank one more times, I am leaving you You can't get any simpler than that statement. You can't even take a word out of that statement. Everything that was important to me or should have been important to me was right up on the line. You come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you. I got in my car, I drove to the first light, and I say to myself, what the hell does she mean by that? And what you learn, and I've sponsored enough people to understand that, is when an alcoholic hears, sees, or is told anything he doesn't like, it confuses him. It either confuses them or it gets them angry. And if you get angry at something and you get mad at something and you're an alcoholic, what you do is you disregard it and you throw it away. So the big book says a lot of things, but most of the stuff it says that's going to help you, you're either not going to see, you're not going to like, it's going to confuse you, you don't want to see it, you're going to get angry at it, and you are going to throw it away. And so when you get to the end of it, you are going to think what this program is really about is one line, and acceptance is the answer to all my problems, which it's not. Sometimes courage is the answer. Faith is always the answer, but of course we don't want to hear that. So what happens is the book is true. The program is true, the fellowship unfortunately or fortunately is made up of alcoholics. If you know anything about, you take a group of alcohols, all of whom are set, all of who are selfish, all who are self-centered, all who think they're smarter than everybody else, all of whom think are delusional, all of them are defiant. That's our chief characteristic. And you put them all in a group from ages, you know, one day sober to 20 years sober, and you lay this stuff on them. Believe me, if you think the group of Alcoholics Anonymous, the major design of the group is to want to do this stuff, we're all looking on how to do This Stuff without changing as little as possible. I mean, how can I do AA and not have to change and not try to do it the way it's laid out in the book? So now what happens is if you hang around long enough, and this is what I found out, all of a sudden you start seeing all sorts of things in this book that you never saw before. You know, there's a line that they read after every meeting. It says, you're alcoholic and you cannot manage your own life. Have you ever heard that read in the books? You're alcoholic, you cannot... Have you never thought about that? What that means? Think about it. That we're alcoholics and we cannot manage our own lives. You know what that means? That means if you're an alcoholic, you ready? You can't manage your own life. Do you know what most alcoholics do as soon as they walk out of an AA meeting? You know What they do? They spend most of their time trying to manage their lives. Without help from anybody. Did you know that? It's true. no human power could have relieved our alcoholism you know what we do, we look around for human beings to help us you know how it says at the end God could and would if he was sought you know they say at AA meetings we don't want to hear about the God thing there is one who has all power that one is God, may you find him now you know where it gets people pissed off more than anything else in AA if you talk about God the book says God is the answer see to it your relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass you and countless others the book say we know but a little God will disclose everything to you the book said God is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves you know what A says forget about the God do it your way anything to avoid that deal anything to avoid that deal I've been around long enough been around about 31 years I've seen people slip and slide and never make it that's most people then I've seen people make it who are just miserable, living lives of quiet desperation. 14, 15, 20 years sober, seeing guys commit suicide, you know, lonely in despair. And every once in a while, you see people who are experiencing what these people experienced in this book. Every once in a while you see that deal. So I'm going to read a couple things from the book and then I'm gonna talk a little bit more, a little but actually about the four step. This latest part of my life is on page 266. This latest part of my life has had a purpose. This is in the story, He Sold Himself Short. This latest part of our life has been not in the great things accomplished but in daily living. Courage to face each day as we place the fears and uncertainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are as we replace the old impatient chomping at the bit to conquer the world. I have stopped tilting at windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily tasks unimportant to themselves but tasks that are an integral part of living fully. Where derision, contempt, and pity were once shown me, I now enjoy the respect of many people. Where once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair-weather friends, I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am. And over my A years, I have made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. I am rated as a modestly successful man. My stock of material goods isn't great. But I have a fortune in friendships, courage, self-assurance, and an honest appraisal of my own abilities. Now listen to this. Above all, above all, I have gained the greatest thing accorded to any man. Which I believe, based upon my experience and time in this deal, means above all. Above all means above All. I have gained the greatest thing according to any man, the love and understanding of a gracious God who has lifted me from the alcoholic scrap heap to a position of trust where I've been able to reap the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. Now, I'll tell you what. I can't tell you how to get a new car. I can talk to you about your girlfriend. I can tell you about my wife. I can show you how much I care about your job. I can teach you about any of that other stuff, you know? What I can talk to you about is I can talk to about this stuff. If you're not interested in this stuff, what he's talking about here, if this doesn't ring your bell or you're not interested with the stuff he's talking about, then you've got to find a different type of AA than the AA I'm doing because this is as good as it gets in AA as far as I'm concerned. You know, I remember asking Ray O'Keefe, I said, when am I going to lose economic insecurity? He said, never. So what are you talking about? it says in the big book, I lose economic insecurity. He says, no it doesn't. He said, what do you mean? It says right there, you're going to lose economic insecurity. No, it doesn'T. He says, read it. He got out of the book, he says, we'll lose the fear of economic insecurity.He says, you'Re always going to be broke, but it just won't bother you.He said, thanks a lot. Makes me feel a lot better. Here we go. Here's what it says. It says this. Now listen to this. This is page 25 of the big book. 25 of The Big Book of Apocalypse Anonymous. Okay? We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The great fact is just this and nothing less, which I suggest to you means that the great fact is just these things and nothing else. Nothing less than this. this is the great fact it's throughout the book this is a great fact the entire book is written from beginning to end about this fact if my life depended upon it I would pay attention to something called the great factors just this and nothing less the great factor is just this and nothing else that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude towards life towards our fellows and towards God's universe. The central fact of our lives today, the central fact of our lives Today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. And by the way, that's the same language they use in the promises. He is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The great fact is just this and nothing less, that our Creator has that is the absolute certainty the absolute certainty that our creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. Now here I'm going to suggest something to you and you can get mad at this, it's fine. It's just an AA meeting, okay? Just remember whenever you disturb them, what the problem there's something wrong with you There's something wrong with me. If you're not experiencing that, if you're not experiencing absolute certainty that your Creator lives in your hearts and lives which is that the Creator has entered into your hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for you which you could never do by yourself. If you are not experiencing that, then you are not experiencing what they got out of this thing. It doesn't mean you can't experience it. It doesn' t mean it's not available to you. It doesn''t mean you won't experience it's just a plain hard fact you can hide from it, you can run for it if that is not happening to you if you're not realizing that then you'renot realizing what they've got in this deal it'sjustnothappeningtoyou and at least be honest with yourself and say to yourself there's something that I haven't got you know in Alcoholics Anonymous number 3 Bill Dotson he says a great line and I'm not going to read the whole thing because I've done it before I'll probably do it again here he says I realized there was something I hadn't got a release, a happiness. I knew there was more. There was something I haven't got. You know, for years, I would go around to step meetings just like this step meeting and I would follow guys around the step meetings because no matter how good my life started becoming, good, bad or indifference, I knew that I had to I knew there was something more. I knew there was something I hadn't got because I watched these guys and they were playing the golf game different than I was. We were all in AA. We all had alcoholism. We were all going to meetings We were all talking about the steps, but they were Tiger Woods and I was involved in a different type of game. And I would follow these guys around because I knew there was something I hadn't got and I didn't understand why I didn'T get it and I DIDN'T know how to get it. And I was thinking maybe if I hang out with them it'll sort of like fall off them or something like that. Because I knew there was something I HADN'T GOT. I knew this wasn't...I watched these guys. I knew they weren't biting their nails every day. I knew They WEREN'T filled with anxiety. I knew THEY WERENT worried about what other people were thinking about them. I knew they were transparent. I knew they felt they had a certain amount of, I don't know, something about themselves like this guy where I read to you. They had an appreciation for who they were and what they were, and they weren't involved in the conversation of what was going on out there about the things. There was just something different about them. And so it says later on, and then it says in the book right here on page 29. It says, Each individual in the personal stories describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God. And so that's what I talk about. I talk abut what they say to talk about in this deal. They say each individual in their personal stories describes in their own language and from their own pointofview the way they establish their relationship with god. And then later on on page 62 in describing what our disease is really about, when you take away the alcohol, this is what they say. They say selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some point of time in the past, we have made decisions based on self, which later placed us in a position to be heard. So our troubles, we think, and if you're an alcoholic, and this is our main text, this isn't me giving you my opinion. This is our book. I mean, I don't know what fellowship you're in. I don' t know whether you're AA or whether you' re just dabbling or dilettante or whether your interested in this thing. This our main book. This are our main text of which we all agree this is what they're saying in here you know and they say one of the problems we have is our old ideas and if we don't give them up what happens the result is nil unless we give up all our ideas there's a lot of people that want to fight these ideas and don't like these ideas they don't like you even talking about these ideas stay out of my business you run your but don't take my inventory well i'm not taking your inventory you take your own inventory I'm just reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-war and riot, though he usually doesn't think so. So if you think this is not true for you, you fit right into this thing because it says we usually don't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us. Sounds pretty serious. I didn't even know what the selfishness looked like. I just thought I was a great guy. I thought I was a great guy except for the booze. This is telling me that even without the boozy, I'm selfish and all I do is think about myself. All I do is think of myself. Who is this guy? Who's this guy talking? All I am, I'm the guy in the back of the room who's judging you and listening to you and saying, who does he think he is talking to me? Because all I'm doing is thinking about me. How dare he? I'm self-centered. I'm delusional. We've got to get rid of this. We must or it kills us, then it says God makes that possible. There it is again. That's not me. It says God makes it possible. And there often seems no way of a child to get rid of self without his aid. Many of us have moral and philosophical convictions galore but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce ourselves by wishing or trying our own power. We had to have God's help. And then they go into what happens when we sincerely take this position. When we sincerely take This Position we had a new employer. He's all powerful. He provides everything we need if we keep close to him perform his work well. Established on such a footing, we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life as we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of his presence, we began to lose fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter we were reborn. How would you like to not have fear anymore? How would You like to have fear out of your life? Of course I didn't ever think I had. I'm not scared of anything. I just worry a lot about stuff. You know, that's what I say. That's the lie I tell myself. I have guys, they call me up today. I sponsor them. They say, you know, I'm really concerned about my job. I'm concerned about our boss. I think I might be fired. I said, well, let's examine that. You're scared. He says, no, I'mnot scared. I'm just worried. You know? I'mreally, I really... You wouldn't believe what happened to my wife. She did this, that, did that. You know?, I don't know what she's going to do Or what I'm going to do, I say, okay, what are you scared of? You got a little fear going. He says, no, I'm not afraid. I'm just worried. We lie to ourselves. We are chock full. You know what this book says? We are corroded with fear. Fear runs our lives. And when you're scared, you've got to control. You've gotto control people. You've gotta control what they do. You've Gotta control what they say. You've Gotta control what they think. And the only way to do that is you've gotta yell at them. You've GOTTA hurt them. You've Gotcha connive. You've GODTA plan. or you've got to somehow manipulate them with your mind or hate them or somehow make a fantasize. You've got somehow control the whole world because if I don't control everything that's going on, something's going to happen to me and it's going be bad. But you know something? If you're not scared, then you don't have to control. And if you don' t have to controll, then you can just relax and let things happen the way they're supposed to happen. You don't haveto worry. It's all about fear. But I didn't know that because when you live your entire life scared of everything around you, what are they going to say? what are they going to do, what's going to happen, you don't think that you're doing something wrong because it's natural to you to live that way. As a matter of fact, you don't know how to live not that way, so like they say in the book, your alcoholic life including your alcoholic reasoning seems the only normal way. It seems absolutely normal to you, so somebody telling you what are you worried about or don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it, you say, what are You crazy? How could I not worry? You don't even believe there is possible living life without worry or without fear because this is just the way you are. You've been like this all your life. I used to say to my sponsor, that's just my personality. He said, Russ, your personality is killing you. You got to get rid of it. I thought I had a great personality. I had an awful personality. It was a scary deal. And so what do I find out in this book? I find out because later on it goes on and keeps on saying the same thing over and over again. You know that? Even after the fourth step or in the middle of the fourth steps, it says this. it says right after the fourth step it says, perhaps there is a better way we think so, for we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We're in the world to play the role He assigns just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us and humbly rely on Him does He enable us to match calamity with serenity? We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is a way of weakness. Paradoxically, it's a way to have strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let him demonstrate to us what he can do. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear. So it's clear throughout the entire book and I can reach 100 more places that it's all about a relationship with God, focusing on God, not focusing on that stuff and to the extent that you're able to do that and build that relationship, he gives you the power to do things that you could not do for yourself. And the next thing you know, you don't need a new car. You don't even need to worry about any of that stuff because the conversation that's going on is not about things. It's about him. And you're looking at that relationship. And when you start looking atthat relationship, all of a sudden you get every single thing you need because he'll give you everything you need. And when, and when you're in that deal and the stuff has just come in and everything you need, you've got. And every day is incredible. Even the bad days are good. And let me tell you something. When the bad stuff becomes good, when the doc tells you, you know, Russ, I'm trying, because it happened to me, you've gotten cancer. And you think about that and you say, it's okay, something good's good. You know, this is just, this is something, this is going to bring me closer to him. When the best stuff becomes good, then it's hard to have a bad day. And then one day when you're into that deal, you say why didn't I do this 20 years ago. Why was I struggling so hard? Trying to fight the world and fix everything up. So what does this have to do with the fourth step? Well, let's sort of back into this, okay? Let me suggest something to you. If I am correct about this, that God is the main deal in this whole thing, in all these steps, in everything I'm talking about, everything in this book is about helping you develop a relationship with God so you finally get to step 11 where then you finally got this relationship with God and now you're trying to improve upon, then the fourth step in seeing something about yourself and seeing yourself clearly and getting down to the closest conditions must have something to do with having a relationship with God. It must have some to do that. How many people have ever had a relationship with a liar? You ever deal with a liar in your life? You ever deal with somebody who's dishonest? Have that work out for you. Yeah, you ever deal with somebody who's a liar and dishonest and deceitful? And not only are they dishonest and deceiptful, they don't even acknowledge that they're dishonest and deceiktful. They just keep on doing the same stuff over and over again and lying to you. I know it sounds like an alcoholic. It sounds like you. I understand that. But I'm not even talking about you. I'm talking about maybe another alcohol, another person that's just a liar, a liar is doing things, is hurting people and doesn't see it. With all the logic in the world, they just don't see. You ever deal with a person like that? You ever, how about this? You ever deal with a person like that? Let's talk a little bit about codependency. Because you know, Bill Wilson said the next frontier, emotional sobriety, is about how we get involved in unhealthy dependencies. You ever get involved with a personal like that, and even though you know they're detrimental and they're toxic and they'RE terrible and every time you're around them something horrible happens and you feel bad, and then you marry them? And then you spend the next 20 years complaining about them? or maybe you have a job and you have a boss like that, and you keep on complaining about the boss for five or ten years and they always do the same thing to you and they're lying and they are cheating you, and then some schmuck comes up to you an says, hey who keeps on going back to that job? Who applied for that job? You ever have that deal? You ever finally come to the conclusion, how about this? Maybe I ought to just stay away from them and not have relationships with people like that. You ever come to a conclusion with people in your life, I'm out of here. I'm not dealing with that person anymore. I'm just not doing it. I mean, suppose it's a miracle. A moment of healthiness, you know what I mean? Mental health comes upon you and you say, you hang up the phone and say, have a nice life, that's it, and you turn your back on them and you're gone. Did that ever happen to you? I pray it does. I'll tell you what, You'd be surprised how many people I don't hang out with. I'm very discriminated as to who I hang with and who I don'T, you know? You ever have that deal? Well, you knows something? God would prefer not to hang out with liars. It's very hard to have a relationship with a liar because they're liars! It's Very Hard To Have A Meaningful Relationship And A Power Relationship And A Shame When You're Dealing With A Liar And If You're An Alcoholic And Your Lips Are Moving, You're Lying you're lying to yourself about everything. I'm a lawyer. I have people that come into my office. They don't come into MyOffice because they want to come into MyOfface. Believe me, they've been trying to stay away from MyOffuce. They've been Trying to handle it themselves. They're coming into Myoffice because they've Been Indicted. Or the wife has filed papers against them. They've come into MeOffice because they've got to come to MeOfface because something they've Been Dealing with for months and years that they've tried to deal with or hide or cover up or turn their back on which they didn't want to which they told themselves all this irrational stuff just so to deal with it they've tried to stay away from actually doing something about it. And finally something has happened in their lives where they've been arrested or the papers have been served where they can't help but show up in my office they show up at my office they sit down in my chair and they say what's your story and they tell me a story. It's a great story. They've been rehearsing the story for years. They not only believe the story, they tell it with sincerity, with drama. Strongly, they're mad, they're angry, they'RE self-righteous. It's all about, let me tell you something, theyRE a victim. It'S not their fault. TheyRE not to blame. The other guy did it. They can prove it mathematically. They can take out charts. They got photographs. They got evidence. And theyRE crazy. and before you even hear what the other person has had to live with for 20 years with this guy and this gal just by listening to them and listening to what they're saying you just know that they're off the mark I mean they're telling you stuff that it doesn't make sense even internally they're conflicted there's stuff that doesn't makes sense like the gal who called me up the other night and said that she was hit by an unknown driver, a hidden one driver at 1 o'clock in the morning and went into a tree. And then she went, you know, I said, well, and, you Know, I asked her, I said what did the police say? She said I didn't call the police. But I just went home and left the car against the tree. I said well, where were you coming from? A bar. been there for four hours I said well what did the hit and run driver he says I can't remember I said you sure it was a hit and runs driver well I think so I said how about this how about this you were drunk and you ran into a tree and the reason you didn't call the police is because you were scared they arrested you oh no no that's not really the truth he says I was in shock You were in shock? He says, well, how did you get there? You know, if you're in shock, how'd you get caught? How'd you, if your in shock so you couldn't call the police, how do you get home? I called my boyfriend. Hey, let me tell you something. It's a story and she believes it. And she tells him with passion. It's just nobody in the world, including you will believe it. We all know what happened, right? But it's her story. It's like your story about your marriage of your first marriage, your second marriage. It's like the stories you've told yourself, that you tell yourself every day about what's really going on in your lives. Now I'm going to tell you a true story. And we'll end this thing with some true stories. I'm gonna tell you two stories about myself. I'm telling you two stories, both of which are true about myself When I was in college, I met a young gal. I affectionately refer to her as my first wife. Had a son with her. She was drop-dead gorgeous. I mean, that is the truth. And I was like in love, lust with her. Came from a wonderful family, okay? And we had a great time and wonderful marriage and I really loved her family and everything and we got married. But you know something? You know, sooner did I get married that she's changed on me. Because I would go out with the guys and these were the greatest guys in the world and I would drink, you know, So, you know, I'm a hardworking guy. I always supplied money. I always, you Know, I never cheated on her. I never went out with any woman or anything like that. But I would just go out with the guys because I was a hard worker. And she didn't even have a job. And I was hardworking. I always was a good dad. And I would come in at like 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning, you Know, hanging out with my friends and she'd always get mad. Because she was a nag. You know, she was a nag and she knew I was a drinker before I got married. And she started to try to change me and try to tell me what to do like she was my mother. You know what I mean? And so finally, I had to leave her because she didn't want to know what the bottom line is because she was an ag. And she tried to change it into something that I wasn't. And she was trying to inhibit my freedom. And we were different people. We should have never gotten married. You know what I mean? And that's the bottom line. I'm me and she's her and she has to accept me for what I am and the bottomline is that's why I got a divorce. I left her and I left my, you know and that's Why I Got a Divorce. And if she had just relaxed and not been such a nag I'd probably still be married to her. That's my story. Now let me tell you another story. So I married this gal and she was a sweetheart and she was a decent, decent woman from a decent family. And she was under the impression, I think, that she married a grown man who wanted to settle down. But the truth of the matter is is that I wanted to run and still sow my wild oats and I wanted her to go out with other women but I was too scared to do it. And so what I used to do is I used hang out with the bars and I'd look at all the gals and I flirt with them and I drank until 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning never making a move and telling myself I was righteous. And she would sit up every night with dinner for me. She would cook dinner for m at 7 o'clock at night. And I would call her on the phone and say, Honey, I'm coming home. I'll be there any second. I'll b there any secon. She'd be sitting there with my child. And at 1 o' clock or 2 o' clok in the morning, I'd roll in. And the reason I did that is because I didn't give a crap about anybody except myself. I didn' t even think about how it affected her. Because all I cared about was myself. And the truth of the matter is I didn''t even want to be married anymore. But I was too chicken shit to tell her I didn't want to be married anymore. So I just made her life so miserable, so I forced her to say that she wanted a divorce. And then even after when she wanted the divorce, she was trying to get back together because she was a faithful wife. And she said, let's go to marriage counseling. So I said, okay, because I couldn't back out of it. I went to marriage counselor, and the marriage counselor asked her the question, how do you want to change Russell? Give me three things you wantto change. And she gave him her three things. He says, Russell, how do you want to change your first wife? And I just looked at him and said, I want to date other women in front of her. And that's who I am. You know, you have people in the area that say, I'm spiritual. I don't have that quality of spirituality. You know how alcoholics say, well, I'M spiritual, not religious. I don'T KNOW WHAT SPIRITUAL MEANS. I'M SELFISH AND SELFCENTERED. That'S WHO AND WHAT I AM. Now, that's, you want something? And that'S why I got a divorce. I sabotaged it, so I forced her to get a divorce. And I left my wife and I left my child and I went out to whore around. Because that's what I really am, a whore. Okay? And that's a true story. Now let me tell you the deal. Both those stories can't be true. It's either one or the other. Now I'm going to tell you something. For many years in my life, my truth was the first story. That was my truth. The first story. If you tap me on the shoulder, if you saw me at a bar, if you asked me about my divorce or anything like that, I'd give you the first story, and I was absolutely sure that that was the truth. You know something? God didn't want to have any relationship. You know, there's no God with the first store. There's no hope in the first door. There's nothing with the fourth store. There's not getting better with that first store, she's a bitch. She did it. There's no growing up with the first story. There's not becoming a man with the first story, there's no making amends with the 1st story, there's not fixing relationships with that 1st story. I came into alcoholics synopsis, I did my 4th step and then my 5th step. That's when I learned about the 2nd story. That's when I wrapped myself around the 2nd story. You know what comes with the 2rd story? Reparation, amends, apologies, Going up to my first wife, mending fences. Doing things that I have to do to help my son and my first wife. Trying to be a decent guy. Admitting what I did to other people. You know? Throwing away of guilt. That's what comes with the second story. An alcoholic doesn't have a shot unless he gets to the second story. You know, you come in here as an alcoholic. You come in here with, let me tell you something, all sorts of ideas, emotions, old ideas, stories about what you think about yourself, what you think about your father, your mother, every person in your entire life and if I sit down with you, you're going to tell me some sort of story and you're gonna believe it's absolutely true. As a matter of fact, if I tell you you're full of crap or it's not true, you are going to hate me and you are gonna say who is that guy? Who does he think he is? and one day if you hang around you don't drink and you do your fourth step you're going to realize that that first story was a bunch of junk that there's a second story and you're gonna say you know that guy who I hated and everything like that he was right and you'll be able to have a relationship with God because you're coming to him on righteous terms you're cleaning up your act cause he wants to have a relationship with you you can clean up your act you know, trust in him all you need to do is clean house what does it say? Clean house and trust God that means clean house that means getting rid of the first story you know I know all these new guys want to tell me that it wasn't their fault they're not to blame the wife's a bitch the boss is a jerk everybody's an idiot you're just a good guy in a tough world trying to do the best they can you know And none of this stuff wouldn't happen if it wasn't for the other. I understand all that stuff, but unless you get to the second story, which is what the first step is about, you don't have a shot of building that relationship. You don't even have a chance to do it. You don' t have a good shot of God doing for you what you can't do for him, of that power flowing in. He's not going to be doing business with you. So thank you very much. Next week we'll talk about step five.