The Second Step and Defiance – Lee and Ron F and Keith L – Big Book Workshop – Altamonte Springs FL – Part 2 of 2 – Scott L.

Claude Emerson said, to grow is to change. To have changed often is to have grown much. And I put it on the wall and I used to sit and just stare at it. And, you know, sobriety really is all about change. And that's what the 12 steps do. 12 steps work change in our life. And, You know, every change has, you know, for me, and maybe for you, has this quality. I will decide to make a change and I'll get with somebody and make a plan to change and then I'll follow the plan for a while and I'm going to I'll comply for a little while and then defiance always rears its ugly head and I hear myself saying things like I don't need to do this and it took me a while to realize and we'll talk about it more in the fourth step of course but it took my a while to realize that fear is what was driving defiance. And my greatest fear was that I would be out of control. This whole business of turning my one life over to the God of my understanding is quite a change in our lives. But, you know, I am so powerless over alcohol. And I work with a lot of people in halfway houses and stuff like that. I donate a lot of my time to the Salvation Army and just any place that will allow me to come. And one of the things that I talk to them about is I always say, you know, I think the pivotal step is the second step. I said, you know everybody always says I can't get the first step. I keep slipping. I can'T get the First Step. Well, you know, I believe that 99% of us who die with this illness know what it is that's killing us. The second step, I think, is the key. Because the second step says there's a power outside of me that will fire that little trial attorney that lives in my head. and that's the power that I need to tap into and that is what the second step is really all about it is really all about tapping in to that power and you know we tap into it even before we do the surrender and the third step but I remember what defiance does I remember you know did any of you know Mike Way. Mike passed away two years ago in January. When I was new, I was sober about 11 months and Mike moved from North Carolina to Washington. And back then churches used to ask AA members to come on Sunday evening and talk about the steps and things like that. And Mike and I were at this little Baptist church and we're talking about the footsteps and things. And then when it was over, he said, let's go to coffee because we always went for coffee in the old days. And so I go to coffee with him and he said to me, he said, I just moved here from North Carolina. And he said I'm looking for a prayer partner. Would you be my prayer partner? I said I don't pray much. And He said well, I'll pray you partner. And we ended up moving in apartments very close to one another out in Bethesda, Maryland. I remember I got down on my knees to pray and I got up right away and I called Mike and I knew what it was I knew it was defiance and I said Mike I can't get on my needs to pray and he said get on your face and hung up so I start to lie down on the floor and the phone rings and I say hello and he says naked and hung up again. So I took my clothes off and I got on my face and that makes it easy to get on your knees. But you know, the whole second step is a willingness to tap in to something that's greater than us. And I think that a big piece of the second step is also sponsorship. I remember early on And an old-timer said to me, I'm sober about 60 days, something like that, or a little less maybe. And he said, you got a sponsor yet? And I said, no. And he says, why? I said I'm looking for someone I can relate to. Back in the 70s relating was important. And he say, well if you want to relate to somebody go to a bar. He said, why don't you pick somebody you want to be like if and when you grow up. and so I had to choose between two people Art P was a dear friend of mine named Dan C and they were best buddies and they came in almost together and I didn't know which one to ask because they were the way I wanted to be they were both calm, they were peaceful they were always doing something for somebody else and so I did it scientifically. I know they went to this one meeting so I went there and I turned a chair around and watched the door and I was going to ask the first one that came through the door and they walked to the door together and somebody stopped Art and Dan walked in so he lost and became my sponsor and he was absolutely magnificent and you know what he did was he took his business card and wrote his home number on it and he taped a dime to it because that's what it cost to make phone calls back then. And he said, if you're ever in trouble, call me. And one morning I'm going to work and we talk about insanity. Now what it means is the absence of peace of mind. If you read the Dewey Reams version of the Bible, it says God has not given me the spirit of fear but of power, of love, and of sobriety because sobriety means soundness of mind or peace of mind. And so I'm on my way to work, and I couldn't remember where I worked. I don't know if you ever had days like this. I'm sober a little over three months, and I'm just panicked. And so, I called Dan, and I could not tell him I did not know where I was working. I did NOT think he would want to sponsor somebody who did not where he worked. But so he said, I said, Dan, how are you doing? He said, i'm fine. How are you? And I said i'm, fine i'm just wondering how you're doing And he said what's all that noise? I said well i'm calling you from a phone booth He said your car break down I said no car is fine dan I said I was just wondering How you're going And um he said What's the problem And i was stuck And i said you know I can't remember where i work so he told me in a minute he told me I even knew what I did there and you know it's like it was all in one package if I got any of it I got all of it you know and then he said to me he said you know the big book tells us that to pour alcohol on the brain is a very unnatural act and I said to him do you think I have brain damage he said it's too early to tell then he said to me he said may I make a suggestion. I said, anything. And he said, if you ever have this problem again, he said try to remember to look at the front bumper of your car because you have a parking permit for the university. And I'm thinking, where do these people learn these things? They make life look so easy. And it was incredible. And, you know, and, and you know I was such a fear-driven young man. And I couldn't even be in a large crowd. And so I would go to grocery stores and I'd shop at one of those little red baskets. You know, I'd run around and I get 10 things and I go through the fast checkout line. And one day I'm going through the line and this gentleman said, sir, you have 11 items. This is a 10 item line.And I lost it. I said, you're right. I don't deserve to shop here. And I turn around and this lady would be standing behind me with a loaf of bread. She just wants to go home and be with her family. And I said, This guy caught me sneaking 11 things through a 10-item line. And the manager came over and said, What's the problem? I said you've got to promote this guy. And I burst into tears and ran out of the store. Now the big mistake I made was I called Dan. and he said come on over so I went over to his place and we talked for a little while and he put me in his car and we're driving up Wisconsin Avenue and there's the Safeway right there and he starts to pull in I said no he said yeah and so so I walk into the store to make amends and the manager runs up and says sir we kept your things here and he says are you alright and I said I'm dying of alcohol alcoholism. And so from then on, you know, whenever I went shopping in that store, I go through that, the guy be there, he go, one, two, three, four, ha, ha. This whole business of, you now, the second step is all about the willingness to become involved in life. And, you know, life, of course, is associated with God. And, you know. God wants me to be associated with my brothers and sisters. That's what he wants me to do. He wants me to be under the authority. Like I say, I never make a decision that I don't run it by my sponsor. You know, I went to Ocala to open a hospital and then I resigned in November and before I resigned I talked to my sponsor and he recommended that I do it and then i talked to my pastor who was my spiritual advisor he gives me his blessing before i ever go and do anything in a fellowship and then i discussed it with my wife and all three of them agreed that it was time for me to stop running organizations and just spend the rest of my life carrying the message of love and hope that's what i want to do and you know this second step can we believe that power granted in ourselves can restore us to sanity is the pathway and you know how we conduct ourselves is how we invite others into the second step I go to some meetings where men and women both use profanity that is not an invitation I don't go to some of them anymore but that is not an invitation a man used the F word at an open meeting my wife and I are there I got up and left he called me up and said you're narrow minded I said I'm not narrow minded I have standards and I said you are living outside of my standards and he said you're judgmental and I said yes I am I think you're a jerk I said what kind of message are you carrying if you use profanity like that I said you know I wouldn't be any place with my wife where they use language like that and I always like to say you know I got used to it in the Marine Corps because I spent a lot of time with sailors I always say you know sailors the Navy always took me nice places they took me to ports all over Europe and the Mediterranean it was wonderful but whenever I got on an Air Force plane I got shot at they never took me nice places but this second step is stepping in to an ocean of love mercy forgiveness, everything. And you know, the second step I think is one of the great pivotal steps. It's something we kind of assume, isn't it? You know, if I know I'm powerless over alcohol, of course I'm willing to take the second steps. I think there's a lot more to it than that. And part of the second stuff, and the guys I work with, the guys that I sponsor, I have them report to me one incident every day where they see that God had his hand on them, even during the worst times. And I was able to give them an incident a few years ago. You know, when I was a kid growing up, like I said, I had ten brothers and sisters and we were poor and we're fabulously wealthy when it comes to the spiritual life. But my parents were incredible. My father would find out, we lived in the area where the steel workers and the coal miners were. Coal miners frequently wouldn't get to work. They would get up in the morning and get ready to go to work and they'd turn on what they called the mine report. The radio station would say, the first so many workers is such and such a shift report. If you weren't in that number, you didn't work that day and you didn' t get paid. And my father would find out that there's a man down the street who hadn't worked for a couple weeks, and he knew they must be in bad shape financially. So he'd get some change and put it in an envelope. They'd get a little box. My mother would find food we didn't know we had and put It in there, and then she'd say to us, is there anything you would like to put in there? And I had just won the Martin Sferry Ohio Duncan Yo-Yo Championship. and so I knew the kid who lived in that house had broken his yo-yo and so, I went and got the yo-Yo I'd won a championship with and I held it over the box. It was probably only a few seconds but it seemed like three hours to me and I finally dropped it in a box and my mother started to cry and put her arms around me and said, I love you. You're a prince and so we took the food down and a little bit of coffee and stuff down to the family and everything and you know, three years ago, a restaurant remade the 1956 Dunkin' Yo-Yo. And my wife bought me one. It's exactly the same color as the one I dropped in that box. You can't outdo God. And if you are willing to look back in the second step and see how God had his hand on you, even if you don't want a relationship with him yet, how he had his hands on you the whole time. You know, I wear a Marine Corps tie tack. and the reason I wear it is because I had 21 men in my section and I was the last man out of 8th Marines before everybody was extended and they all went to Vietnam and 17 of them were killed and I wear an honor of them and I hated myself for years I had what they called survivor's guilt for the longest kind of time so Julia and I about 17 years ago we went to the wall in Washington And this, I believe, is part of the second step. And I looked up the names of my men. And I went up above the wall and sat under the tree and I cried for a little while and I prayed a rosary for them. And then it hit me like a bolt of lightning that God had a plan for my life. And it wasn't for me to die in combat. I'd been in combat a few places, but it wasn'T for me TO DIE IN COMBAT. That isn't why, you know, that was, you know, and, and that's part of the second step. God has a plan for each and every one of us. And the second step says, I come to believe that. And then he can use us. He can use each and everyone of us and he uses us to the very best of his ability. So I am powerless over alcohol. my life had become unmanageable I have come to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity it can do more for me than I ever could have done on my own I can tell one more story about morality and I was running a treatment center in a hospital up in Fayetteville, North Carolina back in the I went there in 1980 in 1983 I didn't trust two men who owned a place so I used to check the financial records of my former patients and I found a man who had died he wasn't one of my patients he had been a psychiatric patient but he had died like six months and they're still billing Champas for him and I called up my sponsor who was Sandy who was still my sponsor and I said Sandy I told him what happened And he said, you cannot be associated or affiliated with people who are immoral and hope to maintain a moral existence. And, you know, having grown up in poverty, I was terrified of not having a job. So he said to me, I had a little beach house down at Carolina Beach. He said, refinance your beach house, pay your bills, get a prudent reserve set aside that will last you for six months, and then trust God. So I did that. And a month later, there's a knock on the beach house door, and it's the FBI. They caught these guys. And they said, they interviewed me, and then they interviewed a number of other people. And then in order for these men to stay out of prison for stealing, they had to pay back what they had stolen. They had to play a big fine, and then he had to sell all their hospitals. And I'd helped them get certificates of need for a number of places and everything. And so they sold them to an outfit in Birmingham, Alabama. And I got a call from that outfit. And they said, would you come down and explain to us about the properties and everything? And I said I would. And so I went down and I had lunch with the president of the board and chairman of the board. And he said, after lunch was over, he said Would you consider becoming a vice president at my corporation? And I said, I have experience But I don't have that kind of experience Why would you offer me a job like that? He said, you're the only man I ever interviewed Who came highly recommended by the FBI It's all about morality, isn't it? It's also about being a good person It's not all about doing the right thing and building character we don't hold our breath and do the right thing we learn from our mistakes and that's what the second step is all about it's all about learning from our mistakes and it's also about looking back and seeing how left to our own devices we wouldn't be here today and that is what it is all about Scott wow Scott Lee, I'm an alcoholic. He reminded me of one of my favorite quotations from my wife who says, God's will is a good deal. I got here terrified there might be a God because I was guilty as charged. I'm going to talk a lot this weekend about how I got past that and got to the place where I was at peace in my own skin. I think it's very, very important. And for those who are hiding behind the fact that our steps are only suggested, we have good news and bad news. The good news is you're right, they're only suggested. The bad news is they're the only suggestions we got for you. We hope you get to them pretty soon. I was kind of reminded of a friend of ours in Nashville at my home group one time told the story of going to a dog race and she wasn't a big gambler. She had a $2 bet, but she said they shot the gun and the little mechanical rabbit took off and the dogs were chasing. The rabbit malfunctioned in the first turn and stopped and the lead dog caught the rabbit and he's tail over tea kettle into the ditch with this mechanical rabbit. I thought where in the world is she going with this and Amy? And she says, you know I'm just like that dog. I'm shot out of a gun chasing some dead gum mechanical rabbit that ain't going to be what I want if I can catch it. Whoa! Boy, was that ever my story when I got here. Chasing the mechanical rabbits. So anyway, I pick up kind of where I left off. I told Jerry I didn't want to work the steps, and he said that was okay as long as I worked them. I use the words work the step, take the steps and do the steps kind of interchangeably. And forgive me for that. Please observe that I don't say learn the steps understand the steps, interpret the steps or believe the steps I don't know that any of those are very helpful but it's action verb the steps anyway he said I was going to have to do the steps and I said why Jerry did not answer why questions from the men that he sponsored and I don t either with this single exception as though the question why do I have to work the steps we do answer that one It's only one. And he said the reason that he wasn't going to answer any why questions for me was that step one, section B, said I wasn't in management. And why was a management question. Consequently, all of the why questions had the same answer. And the answer is you don't need to know. And I did not like that when I heard it. Today, I love it. It's one of my cornerstones. Because I always thought it was not knowing that made me crazy. Uh-uh. It was needing to know that was making me crazy And Keith talked a lot about step two. And I think that's where we begin to release our grip on needing to know. So anyway, I asked Jerry, why do I have to do the 12 steps? And he said, think of yourself as a garbage can. It's the only easy assignment the man ever gave me. And he says, what we'll do with these steps is we're going to turn you upside down and dump you out. We're goingto scrub the can and stand it back upright. We'regoing to fish through your life. and most of it's trash and we're going to toss it. But there are good parts and we'll keep those. He said, for example, do you love your children? I said, yes, very much. He said wonderful, we'll give that. He said when we get through with these steps you're going be a big clean can with just a little good stuff in the bottom. You see our program is kind of like going to the dentist. We've got to drill before we can fill. We've go to dig the poison out of your soul because if we just fill with the good stuff the poison is still in there one of these days it's going to detonate. He said but like the dentist we've got Novocaine. We call it sponsorship, we call it fellowship, we call it home group, we called it love and it's not that hard. If you're new to AA and the steps look to you like they're designed to punish you, welcome to AA that's how they look to us. The title of my portion of this entire weekend is things Scott knew for sure that turned out to be incorrect. That just happens to be another one and but he said the reason that I was going to have to do those 12 steps is because I was too sick to stay sober on the fellowship and he said one of these days something in heavy is just going to slam into your heart he said your father's going to die and on that day if you don't have that big clean can empty with just a little good stuff in the bottom if you do if you don't have that clean space to store that pain in while we love you back to spiritual health you'll escape because that's what you are you're an escape artist and the only escapes you know are killing you and they're devastating everybody around you. And I just finally ran out of why and allowed the man to coach me through the 12 steps and have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. I'd like to read to you one of the least read, page 14, one ofthe least read promises in the book. A lot of promises. Somebody tells me there's over 160 promises inthe book. I haven't tried to count them. But here's one we don't read too often. Last line, page 13. Page 14. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead we promise you trials and load spots there you go that's the human condition and it is having done that work having had as Jerry so beautifully described that empty can to store that pain in that allows me to have the time for you to love me back to spiritual health And I've been through some things. I've watched people go through an awful lot of things and remain unthirsty. Let's take a look at page 20. I'm going to skip around the first few chapters just a little bit. Page 20 describes pretty clearly why I'm here. First line, our very lives, oh there's another death threat, but our very wives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought, constant, that's pretty often isn't it? Constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. That's my prayer that that would happen here this weekend. Let's skip down about five lines. It says, if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, that's a pretty interesting caveat. Do you really want to getoverit? If you're an alcoholic and want togetoverit, you may already be asking, what do I have to do? It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions specifically. We shall tell you what we've done. I'd like to observe what it does not say. It does not saying, whatdoihavetobelieve will giveyouanewreligion. I'm not terribly interested in what you believe, if you're new. Or even if you are not. I may learn something from you, but I don't know how much it's going to be worth to you. It doesn't say, what do I have to learn will teach you what we know. There are people who know this better than I do that are drunk tonight. We've got a friend at home that has a photographic memory. He read the big book his first two or three days in treatment and can now recite it. He was drunk three more years. It's not about what I know. It's Not About What I Can Interpret. It's not about what I can believe. What does it say? It says, what do I have to do? We shall tell you what we have done. And what we Have Done is we have placed ourselves under the direction. How do you say it? Under the authority of a sponsor who has already actually done the 12 steps out of this book and allowed that sponsor to coach us through actually doing the steps out of this book and stayed active carrying our message first step 12 and we have all states over. I have not yet seen anyone in and out of the program. I haven't seen the first one. In and out of the fellowship? Yeah, I see that every day. See it all the time. I have no idea I have personally seen anyone do the steps out of a book where the sponsor has already done them and stay active and drink again. Has anybody here seen that? No hands. Y'all were raising your hands earlier. No hands I'm not surprised I've been asking that question from AA podiums for a decade. I've only seen a total of three hands. I asked two people, and there must have been 3,000 people, and they didn't come see me after, so I could ask them. Colorado State Convention in September, one lady raised her hand, and I said, please come see us. She came to see me at the meeting, and I asked, do you know someone who actually did the steps out of this book and stayed active and drank again? She said, well, he never did a four-step. I would say that tonight we as a group stand by the first line of chapter 5 rarely have we seen a person fail who's thoroughly followed our path I think it's awfully important stuff let's take a look at page 35 there's a wonderful question let me do something Tomorrow night's speaker is a man, with the exception of my wife, my closest friend. We fished the last two days. We've had a fabulous time. He's one of the most spiritual people I've ever known. I have watched him walk through it. You're going to get to hear him tomorrow night. But this is something he and I do with tongue in cheek. But Ron, if you'd stand up, I know you'd just love this. I want you all to make Ron Fielder very, very welcome here tonight, please. he's going to be my heckler page 35 asks a very interesting question top of the page what sort of thinking that's the question dominates an alcoholic dominates not mildly disconcerts on a rare occasion dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink So that's the question. Then they give us some information about a fellow named Jim, but they answer the question at the top of the next page. Let's turn to 36. And it says, yet he got drunk again. We ask him to tell us exactly how it happened. Okay, that's what we asked for. Tell us exactly what happened. What did we get? It says here, this is his story. You understand the difference between what happened and his story? Wonderful line, Jack Nicholson in a movie. I'll always give you some version of the truth. Okay, so here's Jim's version of the truth we asked him to tell us what happened this is his story I came to work on Tuesday morning oh Monday people work on Monday I kind of had the flu okay I came to work out Tuesday morning I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned What? Irritated. You're working for a place you used to own and you're just irritated? Yeah, I just saw it mildly. How about I was twisted so bad my face was red? How about, how about I would just wrecked? Okay. I had a few words with the boss. Nothing serious. What now? I've had words with bosses and they always seem to be serious. Oh, fights with the bosses are always serious? Do you see where we're going here? Do you See the difference between We asked what happened And his story So there's the thinking We talk a lot about sponsorship this weekend Ron's playing sponsor Asking the question When this insane Thinking comes And so if we skip down to the italics At the bottom of the page Given And Jim's story so far, the next logical thought is suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. That's in the same category of showed up on Tuesday, irritated, just irritated because I got to work at a place I used to own. Had a fight with a boss but it wasn't serious. A little whiskey in the milk isn't going to do any harm. Same kind of thinking. That's, isn't that great? I mean, that's why I need a sponsor. And then, I'm not going to point them out, but take my word for it. On page 37, in my opinion, Bill Wilson was a pretty well-educated man. He was pretty literate. And one of the things we're told is he didn't like to use the same word over and over. He tried very hard not to do that. The word insane and insanely appear four times on page 37. just couldn't figure out another way to tell us that we were just bats. In the short form, let's take a look at page 59. Short form, first step. This is the way I originally read it. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, therefore our lives had become unmanageable. On close examination, I have discovered that the word therefore does not appear in the first step I got out the punctuation in the dictionary and looked up hyphen and dash and amazingly enough they are not shorthand for the word therefore a dash or a hyphen connects two separate thoughts the reason I was confused about that is on June the 27th 1984 the day of my most recent drink the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and the fact of my life was crashing down around my ears were related On January the 20th, I think, 2006, I am powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable. I want to talk about that. I'm not playing with you. This is one of the most powerful concepts I ever ran across. I have fired me as general manager of my own life based on my performance. Good manager would have fired me several decades ago. And one of the first things I did when I woke up this morning was I invited God in to run my life today. Not as the 12 and 12 says as a Bush League pitch hitter to give me a little help and okay, God, here's the plan. And a friend of mine says his sponsor told him that he was very pleased that he wanted to serve God. It was unfortunate that he only wanted to service in an advisory capacity. I always wanted to be God's coach. Big fella, take a knee. You know, a couple of things here and here's my shopping list. And as I look at it, I used to pray the standard pre-AA prayers. You may recognize these. God help me pass this test I didn't study for. Anybody recognize that one? Okay, I won't ask for a show of hands on this one. God, please don't let her be pregnant. And the other one is, God get me out of this. Never do it again. Bleh. Yeah. And the standard Pre-AA prayer. And when I look at that, what was really going on is I was trying to make Him my God. And what they're teaching me here is how to make me His man. I had it backwards. One more thing, Scott, had dead solid perfect, 180 degrees out of phase. Flat wrong. So that's what this is about. So when I talk about my life's unmanaged, it's no longer insane, but I can't find a place in the big book past page 59 says congratulations having now achieved this lofty spiritual level. Your life is now manageable. The tank's full. The keys are in it. Load up! Somebody shout out the page number. I can't find it either. Interestingly enough, on page 57, it does promise me sanity. Kind of interesting how the approach goes. Save for a few brief moments of temptation, the thought of drink has never returned. At such times, a great revulsion has risen up in him. If you have the history with alcohol that I do, being repulsed by the thought would be a sane reaction. Seemingly, he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity. What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its elements are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. In my case, I worked myself into a crack I couldn't lie or fake my way out of. That's my kind of circumstances. And then interestingly enough, it says he humbly offered himself to his maker. He doesn't say, God, get me a little help and I'll take it from here. Get me out of this and I will never do it again. Get me Out of This and I Will Fill in the Blank. Either start doing something or quit doing something else. I was always praying, some of you are old enough to remember, I was praying to the great Monty Hall in the sky, you know, let's make a deal. And it says, then he knew, even so has God restored us all to our right minds. There's a promise. They're promising me sanity here. And we're not going to it. We'll cover this probably Saturday afternoon or Sunday. It's also promised in step 10 on page 84. I find a couple of places that promise sanity, but I can't find the place that promises me manageability. I don't want to run it anymore I don' t want what I want anymore there is serious doubt as to how much more I could survive of what I wanted I was getting what I needed when I qualified to come sit with you nice people and it was literally killing me and it devastating everyone around me I don´t know that I could stand very much more of what i want page 45 Keith touched on this beautifully I thought first full paragraph lack of power that was our dilemma it wasn't a poor self image we had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves shortest sentence in the book obviously but where and how were we to find this power well that's exactly what this book is about its main object is to enable you to find the power greater than yourself which will solve your problem it's interesting I can read that last sentence two different ways, and I think they're both correct. It says, enable me to find a power greater than myself which will solve my problem. So either the finding of the power solves my problem, or I find the power and the power resolves my problem but it's not I find The Power and use The Power to solve my Problem. I don't solve my problems, I am my problem That was important to me My life remains unmanageable by me I don't want to run this thing anymore. I've seen what happens when I run it. And so I sincerely ask God to run my life this morning. Part of what I did, and I learned this from my wife, is I sent love to the places I was going to be today. I've learned to do that. I believe it can be done. I sent Love to this room this morning, and it's a fabulous thing. I sent Loved to the Places Our Children Were Going to Be. I sent it to my wife. That's just part of what i do. I believe I'm supposed to dothat. When I first started sponsoring, I thought my first responsibility was to take these men through the 12 steps. Don't believe it anymore. I think that's number two. I think my first response is to love them. I'm told that God is love. And when I give love, I give God. And I believe it's the highest gift. And forgive me, I'm going to step up on my soapbox for a minute. There's a term I hear a lot of that just I cringe at. And the term is unconditional love. I do not believe the word unconditional modifies the word love. Love by its very essence is unconditional. The reason guys like me bought the term, if there's unconditional love, is there also conditional love? See me later, I'd like to hear about it because I haven't found it. The reason I bought that term for so long was that I grew up in a home with conditional approval and conditional acceptance where maybe the love should have been. Love by his very nature is unconditional And my first responsibility to the men that I have the privilege of serving as sponsor is to love them. And I'm privileged to be able to say that I Have That in place right now, and that's a powerful, powerful thing for me. Page 46. Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences. Let us make haste to reassure you. For those who are immediate gratifiers, who want it like right now? Here's a right now for you. All right, there are actually three of them on these two pages. We found that as soon as, that means right now, we found that As Soon As we were able to lay aside prejudice, so I'm saying just release your grip on what you think you know for sure, that's what it was for me, and express even a willingness to believe in a power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that word which is God. My wife says if God were small enough for me to understand, he wouldn't be big enough to handle the things I'm going to need for him to handle. For me, my experience is that searching for God with my mind is like trying to pick a dime up off the floor with my ear. Ears are very useful. Not so good for picking up dimes. I had to learn to search with this part and to do that I had your help to dig the poison out of it. Next paragraph. Much to our relief we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God our own conception however inadequate was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as, okay? Here's another right now. We admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence, a spirit of the universe underlying the totality of things. We began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction provided we took other simple steps. I wonder what steps they're talking about. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. That is some of the best news I ever got. I got here guilty of an awful lot of things, scared that there just might be a God. It wasn't going to be sufficient for me to have a God that was forgiving. I had to have one that was eager to forgive. And that's my own personal belief. To us, the realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. I'm going to skip the next paragraph on 47, but it talks some more about I don't have to believe what anybody else told me about God. And then it says, we need to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe that there's a power greater than myself? As soon as, there it is again. We're saying this is going to happen for you right now. A man can say that he does believe or is willing to belief. He's on his way. Powerful stuff. This is one that I really love. Let's take a look at page 52. What are known as the bedevilments. The second paragraph begins with a wonderful question. We had to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems the same readiness to change our point of view. Same concept. Let's release my grip on what I think I know for sure. I may come back to it. Some of it is correct. And then it says, For those of you who are new, play with me a little bit. We were having trouble with personal relationships. Anybody got any of that? You can just nod. You don't have to hold up your head. Okay, yeah. Couldn't control our emotional natures. You got some of that. Okay, we're afraid of misery and depression. Anybody suffered from any of that? Couldn't make a living. Had a feeling of uselessness. Anybody experienced that? Full of fear. We were unhappy. We couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. Have you had those experiences? Okay, please keep your hand on page 52 and skip over with me now to page 83. The total is 52. Bottom of the page are what are affectionately known as the ninth step promises. The assumption here, it says, it begins with the concept of painstaking. The assumption is that you have done the first nine steps. And then this is a description. It says if we are painstaken about this phase of our development, that would be step nine. We'll be amazed before we're halfway through. That's my favorite of those promises because I was amazed before I was halfway through going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, not the old one. I need a new free will. A new freedom. And a new happyness. The freedom has to be new and different and the happiness has to be new and different. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I couldn't even understand that that was going to be possible. Comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. For those of you who are new, I only have one thought at a time. We know your head's a very busy place. You're on about eight radio stations all at the same time? We know that. We know dat. Yeah. No matter how far down the scale we've gone, we'll see how our experience can benefit others. The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellow self-seeking will slip away our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us we will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves interesting it doesn't say god will suddenly begin to do it says our realization will be sudden Powerful stuff, right? Okay, if you're new If you're living what's on page 52 And you'd like to live what's On 83 and 84 I'd like encourage you to do The things that lie between Okay That's not all of the program But that's how you get from living on page 52 to living on 83 and 84 is by meeting the conditions By doing Not understanding or believing But actually doing the things that Lie between And that's going to be the main thrust of what we're going to do this weekend. Because my sponsor told me when I was new that sitting around at a bunch of AA meetings wasn't anymore getting me into recovery than moving into the garage that was going to turn me into a 57 Chevy. He said it wasn't going to happen. We're going start at 9 in the morning. We're gonna go ahead and close the meeting and we're gonna do it in a really unusual fashion, something you probably haven't seen for quite a while. and it's not going to be easy for some of you so please hang with me and then after the Lord's Prayer they've got something else that the voice wants to do and what I'm going to ask you to do is stand let's don't make the circle I think it was probably too big you want to make a circle and a triangle? no but what I am going to ask you do is okay this is really easier than it sounds well I'm going to ask you to stand in place and take some hands and we're going to whisper the Lord's Prayer I want you to feel the difference we're not going to chant anything after the Lord'S Prayer Amen is the last word in the prayer and I'll tell you when we're through I'm gonna say something again after the Amen when I get all finished, okay? I'm going to have to stay up here. Let's have a few moments of silence and maybe remember those that carried this message to us that are gone now. Lord's Prayer Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread Give us our trust, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. God bless us all. Safe travel. Thank you. And the voice has got something to say. Are you coming up now, Rick? Good morning. My name is Scott Lee and I am an alcoholic. I'm very grateful to be here. I'd like to open as we did last night with a few moments for everyone, if you would. I learned to treat God like a gentleman. And gentlemen don't go where they're not invited and they don't stay where they are not made welcome. So I'd like to propose that we take a few minutes and honor God's presence and invite him to open our hearts, and then try to conduct ourselves during the day in a fashion that we think will make him welcome. If you would, let's take a couple of moments of silence. Serenity prayer? God. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So honored again to be here and have the chance to share the gifts that have been so freely given to me. I wanted to quote this morning with a start this morning mit a quotation from the great American philosopher Hank Williams Sr. who once said a lot of good ideas in a pint, not so many in a quart. Thought you might be able to relate. I just love that. The other thing I wanted to do was describe myself when I was new and what I wanted zu do is to work the promises and hope the steps came true. That I was so used to faking it all my life that I was going around pretending I had the promises, trying to live my way into them. And I just had so many things backwards and upside down and I was just so confused about so many things and I'm not sure how many things. And I was fortunate to have fallen into the hands of some people who knew a little bit better. It's interesting we're talking about our friend Don from Louisville, Kentucky this morning over breakfast and he has this powerful thing he talks about that I don't need to get this mental image of what a spiritual Scott would look like and then try to fake that. What I need to do is to live within spiritual principles, follow the directions in this book, and a spiritual Scott will emerge. It may not look like I think it will. It will have some of the characteristics that I think of. We talked last night about cleaning up my language. Really important for me to do that. Being honest and true to my wife. Some things like that. I'm a citizen. I vote. And I'm going to say how I vote, by the way. I vote by secret ballot. I hope you do too. And I hope we don't ever cross that line in this room or anywhere near it. Because people are dying. This is for me more important. To learn to conduct myself as a child of God. And that's kind of what this is about. I'm going to start on page 60 today. And we're going to change our format slightly. I'm gonna do the first hour and then Keith's gonna do the second hour. And I'm gunna do a brief review of the first two steps and then move on into three. The format I'm going to use is I'm gonna tell you how I take someone through these steps. When someone honors me by allowing me to sponsor them, this is how I make them feel. This is how we take them through the steps. If I sound like I'm telling you what to do, I am not. This is just the only way I know to present it. If your sponsor disagrees with anything I have to say, I believe your sponsor's right and I'm wrong because I'm convinced that God bless his sponsorship and as long as y'all are working out of AA literature, I think you're on solid ground. So my approach to these steps may be somewhat different from Keith's. It is from a lot of people's. This is just what I've been shown. So we're going to begin on page 60, A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. And I asked the newcomer, okay, you're an alcoholic? Convince me. Let's let him set his own cornerstones. Tell me what symptoms you have that make you think you're alcoholic. Let's have some history. The more, the merrier. Let's hear it. And life's unmanageable, right? Could not manage your own life. what happens when you manage your life. Let's have some examples of what happens when you mange your life do you manage to get into jail do you mange to flunk out of school do you manege to I mean how does it go? Alright B that probably no human power could have relieved their alcoholism who tried? Let's see let's have a list of the people who tried to relieve your alcoholism your wife or wives in many cases we got a friend in Nashville says this is the only mistake in the big book there's a spelling error in one of the chapters two wives should be T-W-O, two wives. That's the average. Okay, so who tried to relieve your alcoholism? Psychologists, psychiatrists, social clinical workers, cops, courts, judges, jailers. You, your parents, siblings, who tried? Let's have a list. Let's look at all of them. Given the fact that all of those people were unable to in the past, and I'll tell you right now, I can't. Does it seem to you logically to deduce that if none of them could have relieved your alcoholism in the past, no human power will be able to in the future? Is that true for you? And I always say yes. I say, okay, let's have a look and see that God could and would if he were sought. I got here as so many do believing there was a God and not having a higher power. I'm going to talk about that a little bit further on. I got hieractually terrified that there might be a God. and I mean when I was a child mama why did grandma die well it was God's will I'm kind of afraid of that so already God's will has got a bad reputation with me and then they say okay well pray for it one of two things happens they either get it in which case I was very skillful and lucky and I forget that I prayed for it or I don't get it in which there is not a God or there is a God and he doesn't care about Scott pick one. Either way, it's a loser. Either way it's a loser so I had to lay down some old beliefs and page 12, Bill's story and this is what I like to do with the book says. I'm kind of a big book guy. Slightly above halfway down the page it says my friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. It's interesting what then seemed a novel idea. He said why don't you choose your own conception of god not asking you what you believe but what would you like to believe page 93 third line tell him exactly what happened to you stress the spiritual feature freely if the man be agnostic or atheist make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God here it comes he can choose any conception he likes provided it makes sense to him. And so what I ask them to do at this point is let's try to lay aside what they told you, whoever they are, and let's lay aside what you think you believe. And let's put down what would you like God to be. And I want to do it short, what the advertising people call bullet points, which is one word or as many as three or four words aligned at a time. There's not going to be paragraphs. So what would you like? What would you make God to be? And I tell them that I'm going to ask you to write down as many things you can think of and then i'm going to suggest some things if you'd like to have the ones i suggest put them down if you don't want them don't put them down i'm not trying to sell it to you and they'll say powerful okay and creative and i like to add how about how about a great sense of humor i mean have a look at the duckbill platypus and tell me god doesn't have a sense of humour um i mean i need a god that laughs a lot and they usually put in forgiving and i tell them that's insufficient for me. I needed a God that was eager to forgive. How about available to me? How about a God that wants what's best for me, and He knows what it is, and I don't? If I said powerful, I don' t have this in any sort of order, but let's talk about these things. And then when we get a list, I say to Him, I'm not going to ask you to believe that, because I can change what I think, but I don''t think I can change whatI believe. They're in different locations. What I believe is based on my experience, which includes how I experience you and your experience. But I can release my grip on it. And I tell them what I'm going to ask you to do now is what the scientists call a working hypothesis. We have reason to believe that what you've just written down here is accurate, that that really is God. The reason we have is that what we've got written down there are pretty much brackets, my concept of God and my life's clearly working. And i'm staying sober and i'm happy about it. So we have a good reason to believe it may be true. What I'm going to ask you to do now is to apply this in all cases and let's just find out what happens. Simple experiment. So, let's go back to page 60. See that God could... So, this God we just described here, could He relieve your alcoholism? Well, we've got Him down as all-powerful. I'd say He could. And then would He? Okay, we're also got that He loves me. That God is love. That He's eager to help me. that He wants what's best for me. So I would say that He could and would. And it doesn't say if He were found. I was told, item one, God is not lost. Therefore, He does not require to be found, but simply to be sought. And that means for me to seek, to try to find. And I think this is really important. A friend of mine says God's kind of like the mother of a three-year-old playing hide-and-seek with her child. Where did she hide? She hides where the child can find her. All he has to do is seek. And I believe that, that all I have to do is seek." I don't think anyone ever sought him in vain. That's what it had said. We looked at another page. I'm not going to give you the number. And it said that we sought. And that's all we have to know and that's what we have to do. And then it says, and I wish when we read this portion of chapter 5 we'd add this next phrase, so power, it says being convinced we were at step 3. Being convinced of what? A, B, and C. Are you convinced? Welcome to step three. It says, which is that we decided to turn our will and life over to God as we understood Him. I would observe on the short form of the step on the preceding page, it says over to the care of God. Here it says, over to god. Now, I don't have an editorial on that. I just observed. That's what it says. But I also observed that in my understanding, step three is not where we turn our well and life over to care of god, but where we decide to. See, I always thought I was making all these decisions. and I decided to quit drinking forever several thousand times. My problem was I couldn't make it stick. So when I decide to, I love this one, and most of you have heard it, there are three frogs sitting on a log in the middle of a lake, two decide to jump into the lake, how many are left on the log? Three. Yeah. They've just decided, they haven't jumped yet. And I believe that the directions for accomplishing the decision are numbered 4 through 12. And I look at the first line of step 12, having had a spiritual awakening, as the result of these steps. And it makes me think that might be right. All right, back on page 60, it says, so just what do we mean by that and what do мы do? The first requirement, aha, there are requirements. There must be more than one if there's a first. First requirement is that we become, that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. Not just mine, any life. I've never seen one. I've seen people financially successful but they don't seem to smile much and i need my life to be a success in here so let's stop and and and see do you believe that is that your experience and uh it says on that basis we're almost always in collision with something or somebody even though our motives are good collision blam bent metal broken glass blood screaming right collision that's different from like mild disagreement right that's different they're very different and uh i want to i'm going to talk a little bit about this this word motive down here keith talked last night about the uh the lawyer in his brain that's the one i got to be careful with i have considerably better motives than i've ever had before in my life but i'm afraid of them i have to be very very careful because i can't trust them it's one of the reasons i haveto keep a sponsor my sponsor needs to know what i'm thinking. We talked about that in Jim's story last night because I have to be cautious of my motives because it says what we just read here is that on that basis, that's the basis of having self-will run my life and I don't always know when I get back into that, that I can get into trouble even though my motives are good. That confused me very much for a long time and I got this lesson a number of years ago. I'm a commissioned sales rep. I have been for a long time. I call on professional purchasing agents at major retail accounts, and I had a particular purchasing agent who represented about a third of my income, and we were personal friends. Our wives were friends. We're guests in each other's home. We have spiritual discussions. We're really close. His wife gave birth to a child a couple of months premature, and the news was not good, and he called me from that hospital. He said, would you come down and pray over this child and i said yes and i got in the car and i drove down to vanderbilt hospital and i pulled into a parking space and i was doing what i kept hearing in meetings people kept telling me check your motives and i'm checking them as hard as i can and i can't answer the question i don't know if i'm going down there to pray over that child to try to bring spiritual help to this family or if i'M GOING OVER DOWN THERE TO PRAY OVER THAT CHILD TO GET CLOSER TO THIS GUY BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE DOUBLED WHAT HE WAS BUYING FROM ME AND I CANNOT ANSWER THE question this is what i believe when i'm at a place where i can't get an answer one of two things is going on i've either asked the wrong question and the right question on the wrong day by the way still the wrong questions or it's okay that i make a mistake here because i need to learn something from the mistake or someone else needs to learn from watching me make it i believe that but at that point i did what you taught me and i stopped and i said god please i need some help here and i'm not going to ask you to believe what i'm about to tell you came from god i happen to believe it did because the next thing i got was the thought and the thought was does going into a hospital to pray over a sick child violate any of your principles and the answer was no there are no wrong reasons for doing the right thing and there are No Right Reasons for Doing the Wrong Thing one more quick example i'll move on what happens if i make up a story today out of my past and tell it to you for true that I just made up so that you could get a lesson. My motive is for you to learn something. It's a great motive, right? What's wrong here? I lied. Sure, I violated principle. So I can't afford to violate principle with good motive. What are the traditions? They're a set of principles that are designed to protect AA from my very best motives. Yeah. So I have to be careful with my motives. Although I pray for good motives in step 11. I hope to be motivated in a good way. I have to be careful about trusting that. Okay, moving on down to page 60. Anyway, for me it constantly comes to principle. Page 42. I love this. The last two lines of page 42. Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. And I need help to stay within principle because, boy, I have a tendency to get on my white charger and head off to do some pretty awful stuff. with a good motive. Okay, bottom of page 60. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show as forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, the rest of his players his own way. If his arrangements can only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Did you notice this isn't the director we're talking about? It doesn't say this is the director. It says an actor. It doesn' t say it was a star of the show. It doesn''t say it's a co-star. We're not absolutely certain this guy's got a speaking part. we are sure there are days when he should not have a speaking part. And here I am wanting to run the whole show. Absolutely astounding. I'm going to skip on down. We talked last night about being a victim of the delusion that I could rest. Rest means to take by force, to wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if I only manage well. Getting what I want isn't going to make me happy. What an astounding thing. What an astonishing thing. Let's turn the page. I'm skipping some wonderful stuff there. We can't do the whole book. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred... Driven! Right? Not mildly disconcerted on rare occasion. Driven by a thousand times by a 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation but we invariably find that at some time in the past We made a decision based on self that later placed us in a position to be hurt. At this point, my sponsor said, okay, get ready. I said, but for what? And he says, I'm about to give you the best news you're ever going to get. I said really? He said, yeah, here it comes. Are you ready? Yeah, I am ready. So our troubles we think are basically of our own making. Was that it? Yeah, that was it. I don't get it. Why is that such good news? He says, because if it really is the cops, the courts, the judges, the Chinese, the Russians, the PTA and the ex-wife, you're cooked, buddy. If it's really them, we can't do a thing. The good news is you are the problem. And if you'll bring a little willingness to the party, we can work on that. I had a sponsor who for a number of years, his answering machine was set up this way. It'd go ring, ring, click, click. It ain't them. It ain' t them. It ain''t them. Leave a message. Beep! And he finally took it off there because so many people were calling and then he'd say, Hello? And they'd say Oh no, I didn't want to talk to you I wanted to hear your message and he finally changed it. So the good news is that I'm the problem and this concept runs through the next several pages in this chapter. It says they arise out of ourselves and the alcoholics is an extreme example of self-wheel run riot. No, he usually doesn't think so. I mean, I'm back to being, I'm the actor trying to run the whole show. If everybody would just shape up, you know, if you guys would just all shape up everything would be fine. That was always my plan. I'm going to continue to be the great guy I've always been. You guys are going to shape up and everything's going to be fine." That's the plan. It didn't work. Above everything. I wonder how important that is. That's somewhere right in the middle, isn't it? Above everything we alcoholics must, I told you there are no musts. Here's another one. Must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us. Oh, I see. I'm under death sentence. I'm unter death sentence, literally. I'm an alcoholic. It's a disease that's so powerful it kills people that don't even have it. Think about that. If it doesn't make any sense to you, talk to me at the break. We'll talk about it. Powerful, powerful thing. I'm literally under death sense. It says God makes that possible. I think it's necessary for me to come to Him. I don't believe it was ever God's unwillingness to give. It's always been my inability to receive. That's been the problem all my life. I got here locked up like this, sure of all the things that I'm sure of, trying to make it all happen myself, literally playing God. I'm going to talk about that in a minute. And what I've been taught here is to open to receive the gifts that have always been here. It's been my inability to receive. I think as much as anything, that's what these steps are about is changing me into someone who's capable of receiving. I got there as a taker. I've done a lot of work and I've always been a takER all my live. And I thought I was going to have to transition from taker to giver. And I've discovered that that's not the first transition because a taker can't take anything worth having. I don't have anything to give. I had to transition From taker To receiver. For me, the difference is that a receiver says thank you. They acknowledge that somebody else gave and that contains humility. Having received for a while, I can then become a giver because I have something to give and then I thought for a long time it was my willingness to give that was going to keep the channel between me and God open, and I think it's important, but I can give from behind my shields. It's my willingness to receive. When you're hurting and I get the chance to love on you, I get this wonderful closeness to God by giving. When it's my turn to receive, if I don't let you know that I'm hurting, I block your chance to get close to God. By giving. I think the second most selfish act there is, I think suicide's first. So I have to open myself up. I can't say, okay, I got 21 years, and And I can't let these, because these new people don't need to know that somebody with 21 years can get fired or be upset about fill in the blank. And that's not true. I think what the new people need to knows is that 21 years, it's okay if it falls off. You just scrape it off into a bag and take it to a meeting. You'll see some other bags. And it's just going to be okay. But I have to let you see the real me. We were talking at breakfast about this wonderful thing where they constantly rewrite the big book. Those of you who read it regularly know that they change it all the time. Here's one on page 164 that they added about a year and a half ago. I swear to you this was not here. I can swear it wasn't here. In the first full paragraph, still you may say, but I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book. We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. Here's the part they changed. It says, He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave. I have craved fellowship all my life. I've never had it. Because, you see, I never showed you the real me. I'm always doing this act. I got this mask up in front of me trying to pretend to be what I think you want me to be so I can hang out with you because I know if you ever see through the act, you'll run me off. And so I get to be with you physically, but I don't get to participate in fellowship. And crave is a powerful word. I tell my earth people friends that you don't know what crave means, you shouldn't use the word. You want to know what crave is? I'll tell you how to find out what crabe is. Hold your breath for the next 10 minutes. You'll know for the last 30 seconds what the word crave means. You need to leave that word alone. We know what that means. But so here I am holding up this mask and I get to be with you, but I don't get to participate in fellowship. And what I've learned here is to lay down the mask to let you see me warts and all and show you this part. and now I have the fellowship that I've craved all my life and it's because I'm showing them the only part that can participate in fellowship it's the imperfect me that's the part that kan do it I digress back to page 62 above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us God makes that possible and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his aid I think when they tell me something twice on one page or more than twice in different pages. I think there's an exclamation point. This one they're telling me twice in this paragraph. And then it says, many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help. So self can't push self out of the center. It doesn't have the power. I've got to have Gott's help how do I get it? Right here. This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. I thought we already had a first two pages before. First requirement. Okay, we have two firsts. If I could have gotten it down to two, I think I'd still be out there. Two's easy for us. All right, two first. The second first is had to quick playing God and I've had the privilege of sitting at the feet of some of the men that I think are real masters of this thing and I had one of them barricaded in a motel room for mourning one time and I asked a lot of questions And at one point, I think he got tired of the question, so he asked me one. And he said, on step three here, you agreed to quit playing God? And I said, yes. And he says, how did you play God? And I say, I don't know. And he say, this is how I played God. I became angry when someone died. And that's me saying, I know who should die and how and when. I tried to manage the lives around me. And the closer you were to me, the harder I tried to manage your life. And that, of course, includes my own. and the other one is that I judged people and the way that I know I judged people is I had resentment and the only way to get a resentment is to judge someone find them guilty, be angry with them and then feel that anger again it is that feeling of old anger that is resentment by definition the word resent comes from the Latin re- means again like you re-read something you do another time and sentire means to feel so when we feel old anger that's what resentment is and I had a resentment I must therefore have judged those were the three that he had But I've added some other ways that I played God. One was I talked about last night, it was that I needed to know. This tremendous need to know, and that's the great Saint Scott saying, if I get all the pieces, I can make all of this work, and it's just not true. Another one I talked About last night too was that I was absolutely certain that everything that I knew for sure was correct, and you were an idiot or a fool or you didn't understand if you didn' t agree with me. And the other one was that I was capable of trusting my motive rather than putting myself under the direction of someone else. Rather than testing these things that I was getting through someone else's thinking who was a spiritual advisor or sponsor someone I believed was on the spiritual path that I wasn't willing to race off on my own. Those are the ways that I played God. If somebody has another one see me at the break, I'm hunting for them. I wonder today how many things I know for sure are actually incorrect. i mean for as many as i've found so far surely there are more so i'm hunting and um so i'M LOOKING FOR HIM IF YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THAT ALL RIGHT BACK TO I'M WORKING WITH A NEW GUY SO WE TALK ABOUT HOW I PLAYED GOD AND I ASKED HIM TO LOOK FOR SOME MORE AND THEN IT SAYS NEXT WE DECIDED SO HERE'S THE DECISION REFERRED TO IN THE SHORT FORM OF THE THIRD STEP NEXT We decided that hereafter in this drama of life God was going to be our director He's the principal. We are his agents. He's their father, and we are his children. That's the decision that we call for. I always ran on my intentions before I got here. I intended. I'm one of the best intended people, I guess, on the planet. My favorite intention was I used to do close-up magic, and I intended to get a clown suit when I was on the road instead of hitting out in the saloons, put on the clown suit and take my magic kit into a children's hospital and do a show for the kids. I think everybody here would say this.