The Root of the Problem Is Self-Centeredness – Charlie P.

Good morning everybody, I'm Charlie Parker. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. God separated me from alcohol on March 22nd of 1985 and I am truly grateful for that. We're going to do a little workshop today on the root of our problem. I kind of touched on it last night and then we're going into it a little further during the little workshop. and then I'm going to do, we've only got an hour, so I'm gonna do about 45 minutes. No, you're not. One of the things that Katie and I dearly love is doing workshops together. And it's funny, the first time we did one, I remember thinking, good grief, what are we gonna talk about? You know, Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday morning. And, you know, because I was nervous about giving a one-hour talk. And then they sent over a prospective schedule, you know, from 9 to 10, step one. And the first thing I thought when I looked at it was, oh, I'm going to need more time. So we've got a lot of ground to cover here. But honey, would you hand me that coffee? While I'm talking about it, I brought a few things that I bring to all these workshops. I can just put them right here. I got a little circle and triangle stamp over here on the cover of this big book. Anybody got a book old enough to have a circle and triangle still in it? Me too. You know, up until about 94, they used to put the circle and triangle on the title page of the big book, and it was copyrighted. And the three sides of the triangle were unity, service, and recovery. And in my crew, we do a little what we call a circle and triangle check-in where you can get a pretty good beat on somebody. But every Thursday night at the table, A lot of times we'll do a, you know, and you check in with the three sides of the triangle. You know, where are you at with unity? How many meetings have you gone to? Have you been around NIA folk this week? And then we do service. What are you doing in the service side of your triangle? And then the bottom is recovery. Where are you out with step works and that sort of thing? And it's, you can get a pretty good beat on somebody in a short amount of time. A typical one would be like Unity. I went to three meetings this week, and then I met with the guys on this. And then service, I went out to the ranch on Monday and this and that, and then sponsoring this many guys. And then recovery, doing pretty good. I made one approach on our men's this week. And if anything, I'm weak in the evening review. I've only done X number of evening reviews this week and so many morning meditations. And that sort of thing. And you can get a pretty good idea of what kind of program we got. So anyway, they took it out of the book in 94, and we're putting it back in one big book at a time. So if you bring your big book up, I'll be happy to stamp it for you while we're here. The subject we're going to cover today is called The Root of Our Problem. And like I was – it's on page 60, and why don't – we're not going to start on page But to set it up, what I was saying last night, and I see it a lot, is if I'm at the point of the ABC, at the end of how it works, it says being convinced of the A, B, and C, we're at step three. I didn't even know that for a long time, but it says being convinced we were at step 3, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand Him. And it asks what I think is a fair question for any newcomer to ask that you were going to do that. If he said that we want you to turn your will and your life over the care of God, I think it would be an acceptable question for him to go, just what do you mean by that? And what do You want me to do? You know, I don't really, I mean, I, I know, you know, it's, I dunno how to just jump out and do that. And the book earlier on has promised us clear-cut directions showing exactly how, you know, that's one of the biggest promises in the book. It says later on, further on, clear- cut directions are given showing exactly how, precisely how we recovered. There's a lot of direction in this book that I missed for a long time. But the big one that I missed for a long time was that we went right from C, because if you're going to sum up 1 and 2, it's A, that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. And by now, we hope that we've made clear the difference between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic, you know, the physical allergy, the mental obsession, the mental blank spot, all that sort of thing. And then it says B, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism because once you have had that step one experience, one of the most significant things about it is when the guy realizes, my job when I'm working with a new guy, my first job is to give him what I call a fatal dose of alcoholism. I need to sit this, if at the end of step one, if he's not depressed and scared, either I haven't explained it properly or he's psychotic. Because a real step one experiment gets me in touch with it on my own power. I got no shot. You know, the reason I kept failing is because I'm going to do nothing but fail on the long run under my own power and see that God could and would if he were sought. And I really, I think, I try not to spend a whole lot of time in step two working with a new guy because I think really the most important thing about getting a guy to accept this other power is for him to be convinced that his own power is not going to get the job done. There's something that happens when the guy has that step one experience. I'm just saying the guy because I work with guys. I do believe strongly in men working with men and women working with women, and we're not going to spend a lot of time on that. But once you get intercepted, I think you can waste a lot OF TIME trying to define this power or exactly what this power is or why are people starving in Africa or why is there... To bring it more down, it's just like, can you or can you not on your own power manage this decision to not drink? And if not, do you believe there could possibly be a power that could take you beyond where you are now? I mean, I always like to say, I used to think, you know, if one side of this room was zero on the scale of belief in the power and this side over here was 100, I usedと think that I had to get all the way over to 100 to work step two. And the way I read the book, all I have to do to work set two is believe that there might be something to the right of zero. So, you know, is it possible that there could be a power that can take me beyond where I am? Now, so having done all that, we've done step two. There's a lot of work that goes into it. It takes me about an hour and a half to line a guy out on step one and that sort of thing. And then it takes about an hours and a have to do step three because step one meant something different than I thought it meant for a long time and then step three meant something way different than what I thought I meant for long time. So that's what we're going to try to talk about today, and we better hurry because Katie's not playing with that stopwatch. We fight over the microphone all the time during these workshops. But one of the biggest mistakes, and I said it last night, one ofthe biggest mistakes that I see being made is taking a guy right from are you willing to believe or is it possible that there could be some kind of power if he says yes, and well then let's get down on our knees and do the third step prayer. And that was my experience in my first time through the steps. And I miss this body of work that we're going to cover today because it says, after it says just what do we mean and what do we do, it goes on to say the first requirement, right? A requirement sounds like it might be kind of important, right. It says the first requirement is that I be convinced. And in my book I've written, are you convinced? In my sponsorship chain, we like to turn statements into, I mean questions into state or statements into questions when it says the first requirement is that i'd be convinced it's like are you convinced is this your situation has this been your experience and those are those are questions worth setting yourself up to ask yourself and the new person you're working with but then it saysthe first requirementis that i've been convinced in any life run and but i go first person when i'm working with this with somebody i like to go to the first person in this and it goes, The first requirement is that Charlie be convinced that Charlie's life run on Charlie's will can hardly be a success. On that basis, and we talked about basis a little bit last time. You know, as I go through the book and I spend a lot of time in this book I pick up little words and phrases and I've been working the last couple of years with three words that just keep jumping out at me. One is principles one is consciousness the book seems to speak to consciousness a lot. And the other one is this word basis or basic. It talks about Because there's a lot of, like after the bedevilments, it says, it doesn't say was not a solution to these bedevillments, more important. It says was not an basic solution. You know, if basis is the underlying principle or foundation of what I'm running my life on, they're saying that I've got a basic problem and they're going to offer me a basic solution, you know, that covers the whole thing. And it says on that basis, the basis of me relying on my power, I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody. Here's where it gets tricky, even though my motives are good. So now it's telling me I can't even trust my motives. Because here's the thing where it get's tricky with selfishness and self-centeredness and that sort of thing is that I am blind to my own self-centredness. As we start talking about selfishness, self-cendedness, and all those other self-words that the book talks about, the first place that all this stuff becomes real obvious is in y'all. You know? I mean, I get a keen eye for spotting selfishness in my fellow AAs and people out in the world and sponsorships. Forget about it. You know what I mean? But I'm still blind to it in myself. That's why I've got to have accountability. I've Got to Have Guys, you know, Carl, Katie, Danny Brown, some of these guys that I call, you now. And what's amazing is how many times I'll hand it out to a sponsee and point it out, and they go, wow, I never thought about it like that. And then I'll call up one of my guys when I'm in a little jackpot, and he'll hand It right back to me, and I was completely blind to it. I'm like, my God, that's the same advice I've been handing out, but I sure couldn't. So when I'M grading my own papers, the worst I'm ever going to get is about a B-minus. You know, and so that's, and it's because of this that selfishness and self-centeredness and all this stuff is so tricky. Because right here, the first piece of it, it says even though my motives are good. So, because when I foul up, and you call me on how inconsiderate, thoughtless, whatever I've done in a situation, what's the first thing I want to tell you? I want To tell you, I wasn't really trying to do that or I wasn' t trying to cause that. And I was just trying to do, I want to talk to you about my motives. You know, I mean, what I was doing was really just, it was really kind of wonderful. It just didn't turn out quite, I didn't see it going like that, you know. And so that's the first thing that stands in my way. And the next thing that comes in is this delusion. How many people have read about the actor and gotten nothing out of it? You know? Where it talks about the actress trying to run the whole show. I used to read that, and I was like, whatever. Mark was real good at breaking the book down, and that's what I like to try to do because we've said many times that handing me this book and expecting me to get it is like handing me the flight manual to an F-16 and saying, now read this over real quick, and when you get done, we've got one out here on the highway. Try not to hurt yourself or anybody else. I'm going to miss a lot so I really need a lot of caution and so when we start breaking this down about this actor it says each person is most people try to live by self-propulsion each person has like an actor who wants to run the whole show he's forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players I didn't understand for a long time why this actor would you know why this actress is such a problem wanting to run all this stuff Because he's just an actor. He's not the director. He's just supposed to be an actor, you know? Imagine if we're all doing a little movie here and my job is they go, Charlie, you stand right there on that X and when Sandra Bullock comes in, we're going to have George Clooney come in this way and when she walks by, you're going to say, could I get you some coffee, ma'am? That's your job, right? Okay? So we stand there and the director says, action! And she walks in, and George Clooney's in her room. And I go, hold up, hold up, cut, cut-cut-cut, cut, you know, this is not going well at all. I don't like the way this is all set up. You know, I really think I should be coming in with her. And these people, we should move all these people in closer together for a tighter shot. And George Cloney, we can really do without him in this scene. I'll take his spot. And to tell you the truth, I don' t even like the name of this movie very much. And the director's going to be going, who is this guy? I mean, he's just supposed to say, can I get you some coffee? So that's why it's so disruptive, this actor trying to run the whole show. And then here comes this delusion. You know, you hear people in the rooms of AA talking about this being a disease of denial. It doesn't say that anywhere in our literature, and certainly not in the big book. It talks about delusion, and a delusion is a lie that you can't move me off of. I mean, I am convinced to my core that it's truth. And even if you convince me, I might agree with you and then five minutes later I'm going to go, ah, bull. You know, it's a core belief. And I got this delusion that, listen to this. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great, right? Now how can this be selfish? Listen to this, it says, Because everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. Well, you know, it's amazing to me. When we get into the root of our problem, and you see that if only my arrangements would stay put, if I could just get people to do like I want them to do, life would be Wonderful. But it's Amazing. If it's the root Of Our Problem in this book, I see people that run up against the failure of self-will in our fellowship, and people will sometimes go, Oh, see, that's controlling. You're trying to control. well, you need to go to this other fellowship, you know. And I'm not going to get on a big rant about that, but I'm Not saying nobody needs this other fellowship that's alcoholic, but if it's the root of our problem and if it is addressed here in 60 to 63, the last thing we need is to be running off to this fellowship and poisoning their meetings, you know, because the last things they need is us in there trying to figure out how to manage things better, you now. So it's just worth considering, you kno, because in the 26 years I've been around here, I can't tell you how many times I've heard people go, oh, that's controlling. You know, you need to go to so-and-so. And I'm like, what about reading our book? You know? I mean, it addresses it perfectly in here. And it says, if only my arrangements would stay put. If only people would do as I wish. I'm trying to create Charlie-topia out here, but it's not just for me. You know. If you guys would just do right, we'll all be happy. I got the big picture in mind, you know. I mean, I'm going to make it good for everybody. You'll get your piece, you don't. But it says, and this is what I call the toolkit of self-will. It says, in trying to make these arrangements, our actor may be sometimes quite virtuous, right? He may be kind, considerate, generous, even modest in self-sacrificing, all right? Unless what? Unless that ain't working, right. You know, if that ain't getting me my way, he says on the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But as with most humans, he's more likely to have varied traits. And I always picture this guy just kind of juking and jiving, you know, trying to get everything to go my way so I'm working everybody the best I can, you know. So it's like I might be able to yell at this guy over here and get him to do what I want. and I can be mean and overbearing to him, but Mickey won't take that, right? So what's Mickey going to get? She's going to be kind and generous. And I'm going to go, God, Mickey, I wish I had more friends like you. But whatever it is, it's all about me trying to make my moves and get things to go my way. That's why I call it the toolkit of self-will. But it says what usually happens. The show doesn't come off very well. I start thinking life doesn't treat me right. I decide to try harder on the next occasion. On the next case, I'm either more demanding or more gracious, whatever the case may be. Still, the play doesn't suit me. Here's Charlie Parker in action right here, admitting he might be somewhat at fault. I mean, you know, maybe this much. It says, I am sure other people are more to blame. If I could just get those knuckleheads to do right, for God's sake, this would have been awesome. So maybe I could have handled that guy over here a little bit better. But I'm sure it's really everybody's fault, you know? And I become, and it's always in this order, angry, right? Can't believe those rat bastards. And then indignant, right, after everything I have tried to do for these people, this is the way they're going to treat me, for God's sake. And then what's the last stage? Self-pity, right? You know, it's like, what's the use? Anyway, I'm a genius surrounded by idiots. You know? I mean, I just can't work with these people, you know? And so the last stage is always self-pitty. And it says, what is his basic trouble? There's that word again, right ? It doesn't say, what' s the problem with this situation? What' s my basic trouble ? What is the underlying principle, the fundamental reason that this ain't going very well? It says isn't he really a self-seeker even when he's trying to be kind. It's always me trying to shoot an angle. It's also me trying not to be a self seeker. It's almost me trying to get things to go my way even though I'm being nice to everybody. And then it says this one at about 15 years sober just leaped up off the page at me. Have you ever been reading a book and had a line just go like that and you're like whoa, that's got to just be in the fourth edition or something. And it says, is he not a victim of the delusion? Whoa, heavy sentence. Victim means tricked or duped by this stuff. And it said, of this delusion. And what's my delusion ? The delusion that I can rest satisfied. Now, rest here is the same root word as wrestle. It means to seize by force. It says, is he not a victim of the delusion that he can seize happiness and satisfaction out of this world if he only manages well? God almighty. When I was out there hitting the wall in sobriety, running a life based on the abstinence of alcohol, and no awareness of self being the root of my problem, I'm in constant collision with something or somebody stark raving sober. You know, I'm out there overdrawn all the time. I don't like the people at my home group. I don'T LIKE THE PEOPLE AT WORK I'M BLOWING UP MARRIAGES AND STUFF AND WHEN WE GET INTO THIS STUFF IT'S AMAZING HOW AS YOU START LOOKING AT EVERYTHING FROM THE ANGLE OF SELF I WAS DIVORCED IN EARLY SOBRIETY I GOT MARRIED AT TWO AND A HALF YEARS AND EVENTUALLY GOT DIVorCED AND IF YOU'D HAVE ASKED ME FOR YEARS WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT MARRIAGE I WOULD HAVE SAID well she had an affair and I don't roll like that and that was it and that's what I would have told you for a long time if you ask me now looking back on that relationship and the Charlie Parker that was living in that relationship I might very well tell you that I was exhibiting a level of self-centeredness in that marriage that would have driven anybody out the door you know that level of selfishness and self-centeredness would drive anybody crazy. I went to do a men's retreat in Idaho last year, and I took a sponsor with me, and we're sitting there, and this guy that was our host, he started talking about it, he goes, in my first talk, he goes well she was crazy, I mean it was one crazy woman, and he didn't say woman, but then he goes in my second wife, oh boy she was really crazy, she was just crazy you know, and then there's this girlfriend I just broke up with, you know she was real crazy, And we're talking, and I go, how is it you find yourself to be in relationships with all these crazy women? He goes, well, what do you mean? And I said, well. I mean, was she crazy when you met her? Or is it possible that the only. Is it possible? Because in my sponsorship lineage, we use the path of consideration where you always say, I'd like to offer for your consideration. Or is It possible that? You know, and I said, well, is it possible that the only difference in the way she was when you met her and the way She was when You divorced her was the effects of spending that amount of time with somebody with your level of self-centeredness? And his sponsor was sitting behind him. He goes, say that again. You know? Because that's what it is. I mean, the level of Self that I carry around, it'll drive people crazy. and i'm sitting there going oh no comment from the peanut gallery there so so i mean that's what we're dealing with here and then it says it goes on further to say and don't his actions make everybody else want to retaliate if we're in that movie together and you see that i'm trying to hog the lines and hog the spotlight and get up close to the director and everything what are you going to do you can go screw you i'll get mine you know and and before long we got chaos I'm a producer of confusion rather than harmony. And he goes on to say, our actor is self-centered, egocentric. When I talk about self-centered, the problem is not that I think too much of myself or that I Think Too Little of Myself. I just think about me too much. All I think about is me and how this is going to affect me and how it's going to impact me. I could tell you story after story after Story. One of the worst ones is when Katie's husband was getting ready to go in for brain surgery the next day, and I bought a new red pickup truck that day. And I swear to God, I didn't even see it. I go down to the hospital, and before we know it, I insist that Katie come down to The Parking Lot, she's my best friend, and see my new pickup truck. I didn'T think it was self-centered at all. That's the level of self-centerness that I carry around. You know, it's like, oh, your husband's having brain surgery? Did I tell you I got a new pickup track today? You've got to see this. That's what I'm talking about. That's the kind of stuff that drives people crazy. So it goes on page 62 to say selfishness, self-centeredness. That's where you were going to stop. That's Where I Was Going to Stop? Okay, well, I was thinking you could really rock with some of that other stuff. All right. You don't want to do that? We have less than five minutes, Mr. Clooney. You don' t want to hear it? Yeah, that's scrappy. You'll figure out why we call her scrappy, I always say. Sometimes she's like trying to get a drink out of a fire hose. But, so I don't get that next paragraph? Well, it's amazing how many times, as we start working with the root of my problem being selfishness and self-centeredness, it's like, I'm not going into it, but I'm just going to say that that is. I don't care what you say. I don'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY. So, well, I've got to stick a tongue in. I can't just stop in the middle of that, honey. Well, all right, I'm going to let her have that one. God knows what's going to happen, but I, you know. Well, this is beautiful stuff, and I missed it for a long time in sobriety. You know, my first 17 years of sobriety. I mean, I was going to meetings. I was very much an AA member. I was Very Much About Staying Sober. And I actually thought I was kind of a bigfoot guy. You know? When we say I missed a lot, how do you know what you don't know? I mean I wasn't, you know, actually just trying to forget this stuff. I never saw it. When I say that I like to read the book and look for things that I agree with, I didn't know I was doing that. I would read the book and if something didn't fit, I don't know what I used to do when it said self-assist and self-centeredness is the root of my problem. I mean, I guess I just shined it on. There's so many things as I do the set-aside prayer and go back through the book and doing the work from that level that all of a sudden they'll just pop up at me. When we get into the fourth step, I usedと look for an action. I'd look for information and if it gave me information, I'd consider it. If it gave be an action, I would take it. But for a long time when I'd come to the prayer action, exercises, I didn't see those as an action. It's taken on a whole new depth to the fourth step. I wish we had time to talk about the fourth step tonight, but when you roll into the steps from this perspective, it changes everything. So the rest of my sobriety is not about do you drink or do you not drink? We're dealing with the level of self-centeredness and my job as a sponsor is always going to be bringing this person back to self, bringing it back to where'd you set the ball rolling? And that's what Katie does. Katie does an amazing job, and I'm not going to take up any more of her time. Did I tell you my life story? It was a cold November night in November. Come on up here, Katie. Hi, y'all. I'm Katie. I'm an alcoholic. I've had the gift of sobriety since October 28th of 1984. And yeah, pretty exciting stuff. I'll tell you, watching my husband have the microphone for an hour and 50 minutes so far has killed me. Ah, stealing my lines right and left. You know, we really do, though. We absolutely love studying the big book. And there was a time in my sobriety that that was the last thing in the world. If you told me you were doing a big book study, it was like, yuck. You know? I mean, really, if you really think about it, I mean let's get really honest here on, you know, the guy that comes into the meeting and starts thumping the book. And some of you guys grew up on that, and that was all good. That was not what we grew up with. I mean, we grew up on Joe and Charlie, and that was really about the extent of the big book. And then we tied the 12 and 12 in. And then after a while, at least my experience was and the people I ran with, is we drifted from the big books because we kind of knew everything. You know, we'd already done it. Thank you very much. And what we did is we became victims of the delusion we could rest satisfaction and happiness if we just managed well. Now, I don't know that. That's why I'm a victim. I'm tricked. I'm so delusional that I absolutely cannot see my level of self-centeredness. And if you think you can, you need me to follow you around for the day. I will happily point it out to you throughout the day and that's the problem is we do it like I said we do a lot of big book studies and people be sitting there and they're like well I mean I don't think I'm that self- centered and you know the line that tells you that? You're an extreme example of self-will run riot, comma. My favorite comma that we usually doesn't think so. That right there tells you you're not going to even know it. Here's a good example. I'm a real example person. When I hold the door open for you, it's because I'm a good person. I am a good kind person. But you better say thank you. if i let you in in line and you don't give it that oh yeah you know when it's i'm kind compassionate see it it's we we alcoholics are missing a lot of filters a lot of filters we don't we we may look like we fit in but we don'T act like we fit in see you're at work and all of a sudden uh you gotta you gotta scuff with someone at work because that's what we do, right? Everybody. I mean, I don't like my neighbor. I don' t like the girl that answers the phone. I don''t like the woman at the electric company that answered the phone." I mean you just name it. We don't play well with others a lot on any given day. Now granted, on a good spiritual day, I get along kind of with everybody but that's a good spiritual day for me. And the truth of the matter is, is I got a toolkit here that when I get irritable, that I've got something to go to. But if you're at work and say you got a beef with somebody, and we're notorious for gossip, but it's all done with a bless your heart, you know. Bless their heart, they're a jerk, but I mean bless their heart. And especially in Texas, we always love that out there. And The Truth Is, is that you got a little beef with somebody at work you really don't like, and you've been doing a little bit of gossip and what have you, and all of a sudden you see that person walk out of the boss's office. And they both turn to look at you and they do this. Now that right there will send me down the tubes. It's like, oh. They were talking about me. Oh my God. Somebody told them that I said that. And, oh my God. And the next thing you know, this thing takes off. and before you know it a little strip comes out my ear of a storyline that I swear to God is exactly what happened in that office I swear to God it did so what am I going to do I got to go self seek I gotto go find out and head this thing off right now before it gets any worse for more people hear about it because see I believe it absolutely happened and you can't move me off the mark and if somebody comes up to me and says, I don't think that's what they were talking about it's like, oh yeah yeah it was see I'm a mind reader too and a darn good one at that you can be looking at me and I know what you're thinking see all my life I believed that and you can't move me off the mark of that when Charlie said it's a basic fundamental AA program right And for me to work my tail off in all 12 steps, I'm just trying to get a basic, fundamental AA program out of me. And for the guy like I used to be that wasn't doing anything but attending AA meetings, I was stark rave and sober. And I was so asleep that you could come and tell me that what I had done was wrong, and I'd think, you just don't understand the storyline. line. See, if you were me, you'd have done the same thing. I'm sorry they're upset with me. That's their problem. And the book doesn't tell me I get to do that anywhere. As a matter of fact, I love this line that's happened in AA since I've been around a while is my part. There is no my part. You read the dialogue of the book. It's all your part. It says we disregard the other man entirely. And I swear at my sponsor, he's a call. Well, I'm calling to tell you what my part was. I go, well, you better be taking 100% ownership of the whole deal because see, my problems are of my own making. If my problems are of your making, I got big problems because I can't get you to change. But I can change me, right? I can with the power of this power, I can be changed. And so if I want to be free, the power has got to be me, right? And I think it's really interesting because where my part came from i have no idea but if you hear people say my part be sure you correct them because it is all my part it says in several things it says we may uh um the line that charlie had read said um still admitting he may be somewhat at fault he is sure others are more to blame and remember If this is the problem, that's my part. See, and I'll take 100%, but they better come at me with this one. And I think one of the things that ends up happening is I can flip from self-righteous to self-pity. I mean, I'm like a ping-pong ball. I can't stand you, and then I'm just in this massive eeyore. Nobody understands the pain I'm in. Man. you had to live with him oh my god you know my husband's been married about 800 times you know that don't you boy it was a lot of work and I absolutely love him I'm crazy about him and two alcoholics absolutely can co-exist in the same home you know what I mean people always go well I'm I'm staying away from them crazy women in AA. Well, I swear to God that's all he picked was crazy women. It's like, you ain't staying away from them for heaven's sakes. How many of you guys have watched this level of heightened awareness of self-centered? It says selfishness and self-centred. That we think is the root of our trouble. Well, if you don't believe that, I thought it meant stingy and conceited. I really did. I thought selfish meant that I was stingy. I'll share everything with you. I won't share some outside issues. I'm kind of picky on sharing those things, but I'd share a little bit of booze, but I didn't like sharing mother stuff unless we had some... I was playing you, you know what I mean? And then self-centeredness, I thought it meant conceited, and I'm a very likable individual, so I really remember thinking in AA, you know What? That is not my problem. Drinking is my problem, and I am so sorry for you self-centred people, And as a matter of fact, you had to be a jerk to be self-centered. Then you were really one of those people. And so I really believe that I fell asleep because it says an awakening, right? Have you ever tried to wake up a two-year-old? I mean, they wake up, they look at you and go. They go back to sleep. That's what we do spiritually. And especially if I get scared or threatened, I go right to sleep, God doesn't even come into picture. I go right to sleep and I'm taken off to get what I need and as a matter of fact how many of you guys understand this one when it's a really big deal and you come at me with a spiritual angle obviously I didn't explain it to you well enough this is a really big deal they're going to take my home God ain't working fast enough I'm going to have to get out there and do what I got to do and see that's what we do then we elbow our way and here's the problem we're pretty self-sufficient folks so you're telling me to set down the only thing that's worked all my life and take this whatever entity this spiritual hoopla I'll use it when I need to but the truth of the matter is I got this one handled I'll bring God in if it gets really bad but I got this one, so you are asking me to set down something that I can't do it I absolutely can't do it, and here's the line I love. It says that we think is the root of our trouble. So you got a tree, and you got the root, right? And if I tell you go get rid of that tree, and you've cut it down, you've only taken care of the trunk and the branches, and that's what most of us do. We trim the branches. We don't get down to the cause effect, and this is where I love inventory. Oh, I love to sit and do inventory with you. As some of Charlie's buddies will say, this is katie she starts digging and then she goes oh we're not done yet we're gonna dig a little bit further dig a little bit farther and they're like oh my god i thought the problem was only this big boy you know what man it's going way deep because it's that fiber right it's fear is the is that thin uh thread that it goes through our whole life and it's not just fear it's self-centered fear and so here's the way i like to look at it you got a list and you come at me and I sponsor half the world it feels like and you comes at me and it says and when you sponsor so our troubles are of our own making you're off the phone in about four minutes. There's no long storyline with me. It's like okay come on, get to the point I don't want to know how much the hay cost get tothe point because we want to sell it good obviously I didn't sell it good if you're not going to see it in my favor right and so what we've got is we've got this whole little storyline and what I want to see is I wantto see this list and I swear we will always put a good deed at about 3, 4 and 5 and believe it see all I was trying to do was help this woman because she had a horse and she needed to board that horse and really I run a horse rescue this is one of my sponsees she'll know when she hears this CD because I always tell them every once in a while I'll pull out one of your stories, so get ready. And she wanted to board this horse and she has a horse rescue and so she wants to take that horse and eventually sell it for the horse rescue. But this woman doesn't want to do that. She just wants her to board the horse. Well, long story short, we're going to get to the price of hay. Can you hear me on this one? And then the priceof hay cost me this much and then I'm like, whoa, whoa back off the hay. Let's get back to the storyline. And she was just trying to be kind. that's not in our dna guys i'm sorry it is not in our dina to be kind it's in my dna to get something out of the deal so i have to walk the dog backwards so i got to get to what's in line one and what's in line two it's on the list we're trying to be good people i'm not saying that i wake up in the morning and rub my grubby little hands together and go who can i screw today you know but that's actually where the filter is missing right because I'm going to take care of Katie and so the truth was is that she wanted to uh she wanted that horse for herself because she wanted to make the money for the rescue and she wanted it she kept hanging in with that woman and she said I remember when that woman and I had the conversation my first thought was oh my god she's given me a healthy horse and I don't even have to do anything but board that horse I'm gonna get that horse from her and the woman never wanted to give her the horse but she figured if she worked it worked the angle she'd get the horse see what I'm saying now she was absolutely asleep to that because it was just a moment just like that see we make decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt and I don't even see that I did it until my stuff's in the ditch and I'm calling my sponsor going god dang I'm so pissed off and so and so and then I've got to tell the storyline and then we walk the dog backwards and we see where I made a decision based on self which led to placing me in a position to be hurt. So basically my troubles are of my own making. And then I turn around and I go, my gosh, I can't even believe this. And see guys, when you're working a program like that, it's like this, boom, boom. And you're done. That resentment melts away when I see where i set the ball rolling. And if you don't do that work, well here's a big problem. if you don't call, if you don't do an active tenth step you got serious problems and let me tell you I had them I had em for a long long time I was so blocked off from the sunlight of the spirit the thought of somebody telling me to pray I just wanted to take em out you know what I mean? I mean I had big problems my husband's sick, I am trying to run this family and somebody said when was the last time you prayed POW! How about that? How do you like that one? You know what i mean? You come into a spiritual AA program and somebody's over there and their life is going great and they got no idea the pain I'm in. Are you hearing me? I mean, I am just walking around with this storm behind me. And the tenth step is such a crucial step because it says we must continue to take personal inventory. We must watch for resentment, dishonesty, selfishness, and fear. And when these crop up, it tells me, put on your armor, man. So after your prayer and meditation, when you go out in the day, you better be watching because they're coming at you. You know what I mean? This is not waiting. you're not sitting there at war just going to walk out into the firing squad you better be watching and when these crop up man you better take them into your toolkit because what ends up happening you put a fine layer of pissed off bugs me judgment how about all those right and then before you know it have you ever painted a cabinet about 15 times it's about that thick isn't it and what endsup having that thin little layer it's really not any big deal I mean they just piss me off I just shook it off, shook it off. Yeah. And then you lay it on and you lay it on before you know what man you're at the grocery store and you're pissed because that woman up there is taking too damn long. She's got 14 items in the 10 item lane. And I counted every one of them. Then I'm going to lean over there and go which one of those are you taking back ma'am? See when it says restless, irritable and discontented everybody But it bugs me. Charlie's breathing the in and the out, the in, the out. And I can't put my finger on it. You know why I can'T put my figure on it? Because I got a hundred of them. And then what? You go to your sponsor. What does your sponsor say? Well, we need to do another inventory. See, I disagree with all that. I don't think you necessarily need to go and do another inventory. You probably need to make those amends that you've stuck in a drawer. Let's make those before, you know, let's put out the instant fire we got going. Let's be sure you don't lose your job. But then we've got to go back and we've got to see. And then I tell them it's because you're not doing, oh honey, my deal stopped. I got it. My time, where am I at? And so what I'm not doing is I'm not working all the steps. No, you're not getting five minutes. You are not leaving that seat. No, sir. we were in Canada doing a big book study and they had it on this way normally we sit at a table with two microphones I am giving him the under the breath your time is up dude and we have to get up to the podium and he looks over and he goes honey how much time do I have and I said oh you're done you're out of time and he says I am not out of time I gave you an extra 15 minutes on that Thursday and I mean we go at it for about four minutes there's like 200 people And all of a sudden we go, oh, sorry about that. I mean, when we talk about a brother and sister energy, we ain't lying. I swear, I will stab him with a pencil right here in front of everybody. I will stave him right through his hand. But it works. I don't know how. Now, I've totally lost my train of thought. So, well, I'll just get back to this. I'm sure people on the CD were like, God darn it, she got off her train of thought. But here's the deal, guys. I have a couple of quick stories to tell you and also want to say that when it says selfishness and self-centered, that we think is the root of our problem. It says I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear. It could say a thousand. And I'm not a big, in my sponsorship lineage, I am not a Big Fan of constantly pulling out your fears. there is a hundred forms of them and if i'm not careful self loves to manage self self loves information give that's why we love therapy that's what we love doing a fifth step talk to me talk to me and and here's the deal we are to uncover discover and discard we are not to uncover discover and try to fix see self lovesto fix it and that'swhy people in meetings will say i'm i'm And when I say that, I'm always referring to me too. Don't think I'm talking about y'all. I sat in untreated alcoholism for 10 years. We're always saying I'm working on my defects. You can't work on your defects. The book tells me you can't wish them away or think them away. Now we certainly want you to show up and practice these principles in all our affairs. We certainly want você de se sentar e tentar manter seu cussinho limitado em público. Como é esse? one have you ever sat with a couple of drunks and they're you know they're throwing out so and it's like stop man we are in public are you that asleep dude you know and so we're trying to to at least look like we fit in but the truth of the matter is i can't work on my defects i can'T be nicer because i canT trust my motives even when trying to be kind i've got to get in touch with that power that is going to make my thought life go, oh, don't say that. Don't say that, Katie. How many of y'all know that one? How many have you, this is how I do it. I'm so good at self that I'm desperately dying to find out something from Charlie and he's not going to tell me. And if I ask, it's a guaranteed fight. How Many of Y'all Know That One? Guaranteed back pocket fight, boom. Oh yeah, if I mention that, if we talk about the children, I'm going to shoot you. Right? I mean, come on. You guys know the guaranteed fight. The guaranteed fight at work, the guaranteed flight in AA. You know what that one is. So I'll say, hey, hey honey. That sounds good, doesn't it? Like I just thought of it. See, I've been waiting for just the right time. See, I'm good. I'm very good. I've been working on it all my life. And I am so good. I can get just about anything. And I'm a woman. So I can fool a lot of people a lot times. And when it says I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, what's your biggest fear? It's self-centered fear. I'm afraid I'm not going to get this. I'm worried I'm going to lose this. It's always, if I get the guy, I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. If I get The Job, I'm worried I'm not going to keep it. If I Get The House, I'm scared I can't pay for it. It's self-centered fear. So to me, once you identify what it is, you go, oh, that again. Okay, God, I'm gonna have to have your help because it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what it looks like. Doesn't care what the story line is. And I'm always afraid I'll be alone. Right? I'll just be alone and broke. That's pretty much every drunk's deal. We'll sell our soul to the devil to not be broke, a woman would. We all will. And I'll tell you another thing, and this is normally in my talk, but, well, I'll save it for that line. I got a whole thing on women in AA. And I get two because I'm a woman. But so it says that we are driven by a hundred forms of fear, comma self-delusion comma self-seeking comma self-pity. Story, it still goes on, doesn't it? It says we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. So that line doesn't stop until that part. So what that looks like is all I got to do and I call it when I'm driven by a hundred forms of fury I call het a gut punch. how many of y'all just be tealing along something happens all of a sudden you look over and you see two people talking at the coffee and they both look at you what the hell then I go to delusion then I got to self seek and then what happens when we self seek I'm driven to find out the information See, I can't not ask you a question. When I tell my sponsees, do not tell anybody about this. I swear they stand at an AA meeting going, I can talk. I just can't talk. My sponsor told me I can' t talk. Because they can't not talk about themselves. See, we're driven. Somebody says, how are you doing? Oh, way too much information. How many of y'all, well, this morning I got up and you're like, oh, ho, dude. I should have said, hey. Right? And we just want to lay out and then we go on. And Charlie's talking about that truck, that red truck. The piece of the story that you've got to get a vision of is my husband has been diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. They think he's going to die. And it's serious. It just makes me want to cry because this moment was so difficult, and I loved Charlie Parker. Loved him all my life as my best friend. No sexual energy. That is very important to know that. We loved each other deeply. You have those relationships in AA. And the level of self-centeredness Charlie's talking about. Now, I was very self-centered myself, but this boy, he took the cake. And so, but yet you just loved him to death. You know what I mean? you know that guy. You know the guy that you just love to death. He's a good old charming self, but God dang the level of self. You just hang up the phone and go, whoo, whoop, whoop. And so I said, Charlie, he goes, hey, Katie, I bought a red pickup truck. And I thought, who gives a shit about the pickup truck? And I'm thinking, oh my God, Charlie. Stop. Think about what you're saying. And then he makes me get in that elevator. And And I'm telling you, you try to say no to that boy. He'll give you a spoonful of something. You don't want to eat it? Oh, you're eating it. You know what I mean? It's like, I swear to God, Charlie, I'm going to stab you here right now with this fork if you put that spoon in front of my face one more time. So he gets me in the elevator, and I'm standing there just going, I cannot believe this. And he goes, I swear you're going to love the truck. You're going, love the trunk. You're, love the drunk. And I mean, I'm in pain, but it doesn't matter. so when he it wasn't just I bought a red truck Katie come see the truck I didn't want to leave my husband's side and his level of self-centeredness forced me to get in that elevator because he wouldn't shut up and I swear to God guys when you wake up to the level of self-centeredness that we are it's an extreme example do not think you don't have it you have it bad I know I told God thank you for making me cute enough to have to tell them that because they're not going to like me and uh because i swear guys i mean when and if you're sitting there thinking you don't have it you are in big trouble big trouble because it is the root of our problems we are missing filters and everything i do is for me to get something i'm telling you and i've done everything i can i gotta constantly keep my finger on my pulse of self-centeredness just like a diabetic does his sugar levels all day long because if you leave me unattended too long i'm working an angle and i'm going to end with these two stories my kids i've got a 32 year old and a 22 year old they're all having babies by golly i'm a grandmother three times and it's been wonderful but the 22 yearold was my was my train wreck right and you guys all have a train wreck kid yeah the acorn does not fall far from the tree and and uh this kid never looked like he was going to get it back on track and i'm a tough tough recovered alcoholic and uh i i don't i don't mess around i i'm sorry i don'T NEED ALANON your ass is out on the curb how do you like that one you know that's what i did your stuff is packed and you're out of here because i'm not messing around with this disease it's not going to be in my house and so this kid finally put his life together the verdict's still out if he's one of us i'm NOT 100% SURE but he married he finds this little girl they fall in love they've been together five years and they get pregnant and they do it all backwards, just like everybody does. And they get married after they're pregnant and the whole deal. And so we're going to help them get a house and that's going to be the gift to them, right? And my husband does very well. We've been very fortunate. And so we are going to put down a certain amount of money on this house and we are going to get him a house. So we start looking at houses that are about $75,000. in Austin we've got a lot of foreclosures and these are dumps I'm sorry, they are dumpS and my son is really doing well and so all I have to do is convince him that we're going to $95,000 and I start looking at $95.000 and they're kind of dumpy too and so I got these kids just following me because they're just like little puppies you know and I said I thought, okay, I've got to work him. And I know I'm working him and I ain't telling my sponsor. You know what I mean? Come on, be with me now. I am working him, working him. And it's taken a few weeks. It's taken longer than I liked. And she is just getting bigger and bigger. And then all of a sudden I convince him to $125,000. Okay. So I decided, okay. I've Got This Deal Going. So we sign a contract. We get this whole deal going. And my son's sitting there, and this house is beautiful. And he goes, Mom, so what's the mortgage payment going to be? And I thought, oh, well, you can click it right on the computer. You know, you answer all the questions, and there comes up $1,100. My son looks at me and goes, Mom, I can't look at a Ford $1.100. And he says, nobody said anything about the mortgage. I'm sitting there watching. His wife starts crying. Sam flies out of the house. And I'm standing there going, oh my God, it never occurred to me that these kids could not afford this house. This is about four and a half months of looking. And I am a producer of confusion rather than harmony. And I swear to God, I went to Charlie and I thought, just buy the damn thing. Just buy the whole house. Just give him the house. Give him the whole thing. They don't even need a mortgage payment. We'll let it. He ain't going there. You know what I mean? There. And I mean, the house is emotional mayhem. And I instantly trace it right back to I made a decision based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt. It never occurred to me those children could not afford that house. And my son looked at me and said, Mom, he goes, I don't want you to keep helping me. I'm going to be a father. And he's doing the crying thing, you know, when those boys cry. Oh God Almighty, I'm such a weakling. He goes, I don't want your help, Mom. I want to be able to do this on my own. And I thought, God, I can't believe I did this. I can' t believe I d i d this. And so I had to step back and the whole deal was off. There's no house. Kids left. I'm trying to work another angle on Charlie. Because that's what we do. And he's not really going for a whole lot of anything right now. I'm pretty full of self-pity, right? I would like to call it depression, but it's self-pity. And so I am so full of self-pitty, it takes me 24 hours to even be able to call my son back. And here's what happened then, because I'm full of guilt. And why am I full of guilty? Because I'm so self-centered, all I want them to do is tell me everything's okay. See, the selfishness, it's really not about you forgiving me, It's about you just, you being able, I mean, it's not really about your harm. It's About You Forgiving Me. That's how selfish I can be behind something like that. And the kids, when I called them, I said, Sam, how are you doing? He said, you know, Mom, we're actually doing pretty good. We're just grateful this whole house thing is behind us. We don't want to look for a house anymore. So I took a great gift and just squished it behind the fact that I think I know what's best for everybody. And that, guys, I had no idea. And long story short, we waited and the perfect house at $86,000 came up and we ended up snagging it and life is good and the kids got what they needed and their house payment is $722 a month. Thank you, Jesus. But, you know, that's what I'm talking about, guys. Four months I sat in this deal never seeing that I was setting this ball rolling, that I Was self-seeking even when trying to be kind because I really just thought I was trying to work Charlie over. Well, heck, welcome to marriage. You know what I mean? I mean, we're all working angles in that. I just kind of poo-pooed that one. But I look forward to telling my story in about 30 minutes. Thank you. Thank you very much.