The Responsibility to Ask for Help When You’re Damaged Goods – Herb

Tonight it's my pleasure to introduce Herb. He's a dear friend who is here twice a month and I see him other places. Actually, I see him every week all the time. And that's pretty, pretty awesome for me. Herb is continuing to lead us through the 12 steps with a spiritual and emotional sobriety focus that leads that will add important dimension to our recovery processes. He is going to continue to explore step eight tonight um and in the past last week he talked about two weeks ago he talked uh making amends forgiving others and possibly being forgiven by them in addition to forgiving ourselves but today he's going to be looking at the harms that we've done how we can change our behavior and repair the damage we might have done to other people and i suspect to ourselves too so with that i'm going to turn it over to herb so herb can hardly wait to hear what you have to say me too my name is herb and i'm an alcoholic thank you patrick for setting up this uh wow it's a yeoman's task to continue to organize speakers and the agenda etc and susie such a wonderful administrator to and and facilitator to manage the meeting and I really appreciate all of the consideration and support that you guys give me and the work that I do this is my email you're welcome to use it use common sense please but the most important piece of this powerpoint that you see is my website address herbk.com really simple very straightforward herbk dot com and on that website um are the berlin groups in my ut no no that's not true um on my website are many resources that support the work especially the way of life document you go to my workshops and you can take a look at maybe even download it's a 68 page document a very very i believe i've got a lot of feedback worthwhile document to support the journey through all of the 12 steps um and some of the slides that i'll show today are captured in that material um on my youtube channel uh that's where i was going with the berlin recordings there on the my youtube channe edited and clean and very available in one of the playlists um forgiveness is a process it's not an event and it's not even actually a single talk but my sense is from my own personal experience that forgiveness begins with the fourth step and concludes with the completion of the ninth step so it's not any one particular step that is the key for forgiveness it's the accumulated impact of the application of each of the steps four through nine of course one through twelve but specifically four through and you'll see the parallel if you read dr luskin's book forgive for good which i recommend to everybody but only after you've done the steps out of the big book completing step nine or someplace in there. What's the point here? You've seen this if you've seen me. If you've seeing any of my presentations, this is my favorite slide. The bondage of addiction and the bondage itself. The two halves of the first step. I've been taking this journey with you since January, dividing it up in some way to capture each of the steps, each of months that I'm here. The first half of the step in the second Monday, the second half of this step usually in the fourth Monday. That's been the rhythm. step eight is no different last week I talked two weeks ago I talked about step eight the first three components of it as at least I see it and today I'm going to talk about the final component of step eight and next time I come together we'll be talking about step nine And then the first, excuse me, the second Monday, the first meeting that I have in September, the second Sunday, I'll be talking about the forgiveness process. My knowledge and my experience with it. Stand back just for a minute, way back on the top of the mountain and look at, What are we talking about here? We're talking about 12-step spirituality. Spirituality is kind of a foggy term and kind of perhaps mystical term and maybe even a negative term for some people. I use a synonym, relationship. The 12 steps are a human methodology. please hear that a human methodology to have a relationship with power with life oh yes we call it god as we don't understand it my my interpretation higher power as we don't understanding the magic silver bullet of the 12-step process is that we have no theology no dogma you get to make a choice on your own God is or God isn't power is or power isn't what's your choice a relationship with life I really especially in the context of the theme emotional sobriety it's such a better word to use for steps two and three a relationship of alignment with life and then the next four steps are a relationship with myself cleaning out the clouds and obstacles in me to the sunlight that is in me the life force that is it isn't me but it is in and it's available to me that's the whole point read appendix two spiritual awakening spiritual experience the crossover three words from page 567 568 unsuspected inner resource fabulous unsuspecting i didn't know and i didn'T KNOW that i DIDN'T KNOW inner it never occurred to me that i had a power inside of me that wasn't me that was available to me a resource unsuspected inner resource a relationship with myself for the very first time now it didn't happen as an event it happened as a process my favorite one of my favorite images is the dimmer switch not a light which captures the experience of spiritual awakening not spiritual experience but spiritual awakening that gradual glacially slow oh my god so tedious glacially slow transformation of the turning of my self-centeredness to other centeredness that's this process here it's interesting the steps at first led me to believe i was walking up a staircase to a plateau but after i did the steps three different times in the first 10 years of my sobriety i realized it's not a staircase that is linear it's a staircase with spiral because I keep meeting the same obstacles. I keep the meeting myself. I keep media new experiences as I navigate this path. And now we're talking about establishing an effective relationship with others, clearly the heart of emotional sobriety. Oh, establishing a relationship with life. Excellent. Establishing a relationship avec moi-même. meaning you can't do this without that. But the entire purpose is the turning to have a relationship, the turning from my self-centeredness, the heart of unmanageability. If you haven't read pages 60 to 62 and applied it to yourself personally, read it out loud, personal pronoun, present tense. It'll embarrass you, but it will talk about set aside. It will give you the curtain will part and you will have a completely new perspective. I'm not overstating it. 10 years sober, that was the invitation. And that was the experience I had. Pages 60 to 62, the spiritual malady, unmanageability, the reason for the bedevilness. Personal pronoun present tense. Read it out loud with nobody else in the room you'll turn red you'll be embarrassed if you haven't done it before but here we are the final phase of the turning the first stage of the rocket launch was a turning to power perhaps for the first conscious time the second stage of the rocket launch. Turning from my self centeredness, the root of all my problems, page 62, read the first sentence. Turning from myself centeredness to aware, really seriously consciously aware about other people and that my relationship with power and my contribution to the people around me is going to be the key that unlocks the door to the success of my life. And then steps eight and nine, identifying the clouds in me that block the sunlight in me in my relationships with others. I came across a term I may have even heard it in the sharing in this meeting in the last couple times we've gathered together. This transformation, this conversion experience steps one through nine is a change from being a puppet to becoming a partner i mean i like alliteration and i like the poetry of that this process cuts the strings that i've attached to circumstances and events but that control my behavior and my attitude and my feelings and now once i finish the ninth step cutting those strings those puppet strings to circumstances and events it's a co-creation it's a cooperation i don't do this on my own it is in fact done to me but not without me my definition of a spiritual awakening that i use the term co-kreation god's the managing partner but i'm a partner converted from a puppet to a partnership. Don't burn your fifth step. Keep it for your eighth step. Well, certainly even for your sixth step. Each of the even steps is an inventory steps. Think about it. Inventory your belief about power. Invitory your self-centeredness. Invinitory In step six, the behaviors that come from that. And then inventory in step eight, the impact of my behavior on others. We make a list of those harms, the way we diminished other people. We talked about this last time, being specific. Who did I diminish? What did I do? My behavior. And what was the actual impact of my behavior on others? This is as far as many people get, identifying their behavior with the harm, and that's just not the case. Take a look at what action is necessary to repair that damage. The specific harm is not my behavior. The specific harm is the impact of my behavior, so what specific action do I need to take? Well, it has two connotations, amend. The action primarily at the first is what do I need to change in me so that I'm not repeating that behavior? I'll just jump right into the heart of the matter for me my most gross character defect was infidelity 25 years married never occurred to me to be faithful seven years sober it never occurred to me to be faithful despite i'm seven years over in the program with an active relationship with the sponsor. He co-signed my corruption, but I couldn't see and I didn't see, and I didn't know that I did it now. And when I did that fourth and fifth step and I did that sixth step, and then I did the sex inventory in a specific way for the very first time I saw, number one, that I did have principles that I didn't use. And number two, that unless I changed my actions in alignment with the principles that I had, I would drink again. And then in the eighth step, I saw the harm that was being done, certainly to me, but mostly to the people around me. Am I willing to repair that damage? so the answer to number four what specific action is to make a commitment to fidelity for me to change and then what is the specific action I need to take in terms of making amends and attempting to heal that's a word that's not used necessarily broadly in big book but it is my experience with steps eight and nine the healing that takes place that's why forgiveness is such a huge topic and i'm glad we're you're looking at that beginning with perhaps fred luskin tomorrow you see uh the big book tells us why we're doing this work it says sure we're trying to put our lives in order pay attention to the words on page 77 but that's a secondary motivation at the moment we are trying to put our lives in ordered but this is not the primary purpose this is not the end in itself our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to god and the people about us see the turning to other with a capital o and then turning to others with a small o steps 11 and 12 respectively other with a capital oak step 11 meditation sitting in the presence of power to absorb power step 12 using principles to guide us in being useful and helpful to other people both words are important useful and unhelpful. Turning from my self-centeredness to my relationship with power and to my relationship with people. On page 76, he gives us why we are making this commitment. We did so when we did the third step. He says on page 58, are you willing to go to any lengths? Then you are ready to take certain steps. What does any lengths mean? Oh, that I'm going to finish steps four through nine. That's the beginning. That is the commitment at the very start of step three. I am just interpreting what the big book says. You hear lots of other interpretations in meetings perhaps they're helpful but the big book on 58 says willing to go to any length dash means we are ready to do the steps four through nine step three is no action it's a prayer of a commitment to action it's prayer of commitment to finish steps four through nine and he says on page 76 remember it was agreed at the beginning page 58 we would go to any length for victory over alcohol it's in italics victory over the first half of the first step but then on page 79 he gives us another suggestion to remember reminding ourselves first paragraph on page 79 reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any length same words to find a spiritual experience ah second half of the first step how to what's the antidote to our spiritual malady to find the spiritual experience a spiritual awakening an effective relationship with power if you read the big book pages 84 excuse me 76 to 83 76 to83 it's on a combination of steps eight and nine and then you read material from the 12 and 12 please do that it's a wonderful commentary when bill has 20 or 25 years of sobriety he writes the 12 and 12 which is commentary his experience fleshing out his lack of experience from the big book very few instructions but lots of wonderful observations and commentary on his experience steps eight and nine in the twelve and twelve we review all our relationships this is a combined list from the big book and the 12 and 12 to be objective not to come from guilt and shame those are not helpful even healthy guilt and it's just not helpful healthy guilt in shame is therapeutic yes yes most of us have unhealthy guilt and shame. Guilt, a negative feeling about our behavior. Shame, a negative feeling about who we very are, our very self. In step eight, he says it's an accurate and unsparing survey. These are rigorous terms, a deep and honest search of our motives and actions. We did some of that in step four, but now we look at step eight to flesh out the impact of our corruption, our dysfunction, the impactof our behavior on others. an accurate and exhausting survey of our past name the flaws in our makeup list my disturbances and how i injured others because of my disturbance the instincts in collision which we looked at in step six and began the healing process i call step seven prayer the healing prayer my creator it starts my creator oh my god is so perfect my creator please recreate me i'm damaged goods and i can't heal myself on my own power i have a responsibility to take some action i have some responsibility to ask for help i have some responsibility listen to the direction and take the action not just from those people who i'm asking for help but from the life energy itself the life source and force itself who have i hurt or hated or disliked and what wrongs and even criminal behavior have i been involved in where have i betrayed other people or been unfaithful or lacking in integrity been negative in my attitude or depressive and then depressing to be around that negative energy that i saturate my environment with so in the 12 and 12 he gives us several suggestions physical emotional mental financial spiritual these are the criteria of harms done to other people not my behavior not my attitude not my thoughts not my words no no no those were just the vehicles of harming other people what specifically did i harm how do i make amends to dead people how do I make amens to live people who I shouldn't see or who I can't find all of these wonderful questions that come out of the experience of other people and if the person doesn't have the experience my own step guy suggested that i go talk to a woman because he didn't have experience in that area and then review all of these items i made three by five cards for each individual or institution it's not in the big book but it was a mechanical device that helped me then sort it and do it more effectively to name the change in me that was necessary to correct my harmful action but also to name the impact of my negative behavior on that person or that institution and to go over it specifically with my sponsor if you hear nothing else from me but that this will be very successful and that is i could not do this on my own i'm not objective i'm not experienced enough i needed somebody who was a objective they had knowledge they weren't attached to me and they had experience and then i would actually dress rehearse once we agreed that this was the right course of action the more serious ones like my relationship with my wife my relationship with my children or a difficult one my relationships with my bosses to dress rehearse and this man played the role of each person that I was going to make amends to and I got a sense of the words to use and the feelings to have in the gestures that I would be experiencing in a spontaneous way and it allowed my step nine to be much more effective because i had heard the words i had felt the feelings i had experienced in a dress rehearsal these are not things that are in the big book or in the 12 and 12 but they come out of my experience and other people's experience the step eight is a road map at least that's how i saw it in retrospect it told me what i needed to do and i made notes as to when i wanted to do them and i talked about all of that with the sponsor and step guide who was guiding me through this now helping me navigate this map and at one point i had done several and i was feeling kind of punk one day i mean really depressed and irritated and ill at ease and i called this man and we had lunch and i shared with him my concerns and he said well you're doing your ninth step now aren't you uh how far are you along in it i said well i've done six he said that's wonderful when's the last time you made one see i had the road map with me and i looked at my road map and i had done six but it had been a month since i had done any and i said it's been a because i'm really busy now the promises are being manifest in my life and i'm very willing to make my amends but i'm really busy and he just looked at me with this tender look it was wonderful he said her willingness without action is fantasy i mean tender he was but confrontive he was you see he was objective he had my interests at heart not my feelings And I heard it. Willingness without action is fantasy. It's a derivation of, from the Bible. What is it? Action, something about, now I'm losing my train of thought there. Works, yes, something. Intentions without works is dead. Faith, faith without works. is dead well that's the faith is that spiritual component wonderful to have but if your feet aren't moving in relationship to your faith it's bullshit he used the term fantasy i didn't clean it up my my list turns out to be my accountability partner it told me where i was what i had done when i had done my last one and what was the next one to do this man had experience in terms of preparing for the amends how do you make amends to dead people this was his instruction go to a cemetery not the cemetery where my father was buried he had been cremated and his ashes had been spread i'm not talking about step nine i'm talking about the preparation of step eight so he gave me specific ideas once he had given me the instructions on step nine which i will do next time we get together uh he said you go to the cemetery and you sit there and you pray for this person's presence to be there and then you write out your ninth step there don't prepare it before write it out there and then read it up those were the instructions in preparation for the step nine amend i had the instructions all written down i knew what to do and i put a date on there when to do it and i told him about what i was going to do and when i was gonna do it so not only was my list my accountability partner but my step guide sponsor was my accountability partner not as a drop dead date deadline kind no i don't like those at all target date a specific blueprint kind of plan i asked well there are people that i can't find because i don t even know their names he had a suggestion for that you see i'm preparing my eight step list what do i do about people i can't find well then i enumerate the general chronology and the history of it and why it might be important and then i take the actions in terms of the ninth step that he gives me on those prepared items in my eight steps see i'm separating out step eight and nine bill doesn't do a very good job of separating eight and night in fact it's the only time he combines them on page 76 but it's pretty easy step 8 is a list when step 9 is an action there's no reason to confuse the two especially when you're talking about it perhaps in a meeting on step eight and or step nine certainly in the preparation keep it very clear i'm just doing an inventory now of the negative impact of my behavior on institutions and people over my history now if i've done this work before and it's been thorough by my standards and my sponsors standards then i only do the harms that are coming to my consciousness now since the last time i've done the work well i just mentioned people that i can't find because i for whatever reason it's a little easier today with social media and the internet back in 1988 we didn't have them but what about people who you can find who you actually know where they are but maybe you shouldn't find you see that's a discussion in the preparation of step eight will it harm them that's where he gave me the advice to talk to a woman who i had in my estimate harmed 25 years earlier he said i don't have any experience with that go and talk to a women ask her number one would she want that skeleton of 25 years ago dug up would she even want that and if she did how would she wanted to be handled and i went to a woman with experience and wisdom and she said yes she would want it addressed and this is how i suggest you do it this is the eight step preparation i'm not telling you what i did in the ninth step i'm telling you what i didn't in the preparation for my ninth step by being thorough and specific and talking to experienced people when i work with people i have a list of resources attorneys who are in the program accountants who are in the insurance adjusters who in the uh police who are in the etc etc lawyers therapists who are in the because i don't have that panoramic view of experience that is necessary to help other people navigate their eighth and ninth step process so i send them to people who have knowledge and experience common sense one of the almost excuse me a refrigerator slogan that bill suggests in the 12 and 12. we're attempting to create the best possible relations with everybody partnership he said we're very poor at having partnerships because we're also self-centered this is the final feature eight and nine of creating partnerships how do you make amends for infidelity Bill is quite clear, actually. I couldn't read it and be clear about it until somebody, my step guide, helped me with that. Pages 81 and 82. A summary of that without going into the details. He says, if they don't know, do we tell them? My interpretation of his suggestion is no. you would be bringing harm to them to give them information they don't have if they know in a general way how do we handle that we make amends in a general way and he says he really understands human nature that person will ask who, what, when, where, how many times and he suggests in the big book no details in a general way i'm just saying preparing in the eight step i'm not talking about the execution and then i step i'll do that next week specifically this was probably one of the more dramatic healings that i experienced talk about forgiveness but then third item is what if they know in detail he said really try to avoid the conversation having an understanding with the person like let's cut it loose look at my hand forgiveness look it up in a dictionary is a decision to release forgiveness is a decision to release, to cut it loose. In my meditation in the way of life document that I referred to at the beginning of my talk today, I have a three page meditation on forgiveness based on my experience with the step work that I had done the first couple times. A decision to Release them and that Meditation has this image of, I am a tugboat towing a barge of my negative history. And forgiveness is cutting the rope to the barge and allowing the tugboat to be free of that garbage barge. Now it's not that simple. It's a metaphor. it's a poetic approach to realize the freedom that comes from that the freedom of a properly prepared eight step and a properly executed ninth step recently i've incorporated the material from dr luskin's book we met 30 years ago after he published his book his book is a conversion of his doctoral thesis on forgiveness which he did back 35 years ago i think at stanford to get his phd in clinical psychology and he's become world famous as the result of his skills and his understanding he was hired by the northern ireland government to meet oh man I get really choked up to meet with families who have had their family members murdered and he was brought over there several times to help with the forgiveness process I mean that couldn't be any more dramatic I've incorporated his stages I think there are six of the progressive nature of the forgiveness process, which I see as beginning with step four and concluding with step nine. This is about establishing or reestablishing relationships with others just to bring healing to those relationships. And step eight, like step six, like step four, like steps five, like step two. I mean, Bill's consistent. In all these even steps, he says willingness is, in fact, in step two, he says it's the cornerstone. Willingness is the corner stone. That stone, that first stone that's put on the foundation that sets the direction of the entire spiritual arch through which we walk to freedom, willingness. certainly the key to step six page 76 in the big book that one word stands out as the heart of the matter for step six a willingness to have them removed to release our grip on our character defects and shortcomings realizing that we're powerless even to release the grip but are we willing to be released? Hear the vocabulary. That combination of my creator, the managing partner and me in partnership. Read the promises on page 75 at the end of the fifth step. Walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. What a wonderful poetic image that motivates us and reinsures us walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe willingness to identify specifically the change in me as i mentioned earlier amends has two connotations one amend my behavior meaning change there's no point in addressing the harm done to other people if I'm going to continue doing the harm. Now there's common sense and navigation that you need to have sponsor relationship and direction with. Amend means change, my change. But clearly it also means repairing, reparation, repairing the damage. We can't undo history, of course. that's just common sense that's the fact we can't undo history but we can bring some sense of repair um in the eight step identify the amount of money i stole no no not me but i hear it all the time from people i was a shoplifter and i stole from here and here and hear i said okay estimate the dollar amount oh herb it was 10 years ago 20 years ago 40 years ago uh-huh yep okay in prayer estimate the specific dollar amount at ralph's at pennies at macy's each one of them separately estimate the dollar amount in the in the dollar amount of the day this is the preparation for the eight step and nine step in the eight step preparation being specific there's no vagary here I gossiped. Really, he said to me when I said that. Did they lose any reputation? Did they lose any opportunity? Did we lose any money? Did the lose any friends? No. Well then you didn't harm them. Your gossip is what you did but it was impotent in terms of impact on others he said you heard and he was very kind but very direct you're not that powerful and you're Not that important but examine this he never told me what to do he always asked me questions or gave me some directions for further clarification he said consider the person that you gossip too may have been harmed not the person you gossiped about the god person that you gossip to may then have been negatively disposed toward that other person and may have avoided a resource that might have been valuable to them this is not just vagary and poetry in a new age conversation not to dismiss new age but to say that it's this is about being very very specific and then what's the healing action what's the healing action you want to bring freedom to them that's your primary purpose to bring freedom to them oh yes oh by the way you want to be free of course like he said on page 77 your primary purpose is their freedom the byproduct will be your freedom listen to the prayer of saint francis to the extent that we forgive them we are forgiven listen to the lord's prayer 2 000 years apart in their writing the same same recommendation same dynamic the lordís prayer release them from their debt and you will be released from your debt the dynamic is perennial the dynamic ist classical it gets expressed differently bondage of addiction is why we probably come to a 12-step program and the ninth step guarantees you'll see it when we get there and i'll reinforce it then but right now i'm just referencing it page 84 we are placed in a position of neutrality i'm quoting we are placed here the grace in a position of neutrality we're neither resisting nor attracted to it addiction that's the promise i'm just quoting the big book and sharing my experience with it, both personally and as I watch other people navigate and complete the ninth step. But then he says we're not cured. We have a daily reprieve because unmanageability is the human condition, not just the added condition. Unmanageibility, the second half of the first step. You notice the difference between this cartoon and the first cartoon? This cartoon clearly has a perspective that there are no walls, ceiling or floor in this jail that I'm in. I'm In the jail of my making. I'm holding the bars in front of my face, not realizing that I'm Holding the bars In front of My face. The benefit of steps four through nine is to release the grip, to release The grip in forgiving others, bringing forgiveness to others. I am forgiven I release those bars I drop the bars but it's a daily reprieve because my selfishness and self-centeredness is hardwired and I can't even reduce it much by wishing or trying on my own power that last sentence in the second paragraph on page 62 he ends his discussion there in the unmanageability, the spiritual malady, in the same way he ends his discussion about addiction on page 43. We have no mental, no effective mental defense against the first drink. Powerless over our addiction, powerless over our unmanagability, freedom from our addiction when we finish step nine, freedom From Our Unmanage Ability if we daily commit to practice 10, 11, and 12. The best kept secret in the rooms. Step eight is about naming harms. That is the specific negative impact of my behavior on others, people, and institutions. How free do you want to be? That is such a penetrating question and challenging question. and most of us really want to be free are you willing how free and how soon how free and how soon this is my version I in fact created it this morning of the healing prayer of step seven and I'm just going to read it pray it reveal it Hold it up as a potential challenge to you to make the seven-step prayer your own, my creator. I am now willing that you should have all of me healthy and unhealthy. I pray that you now remove from me every single obstacle in me that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my helpfulness to others. grant me strength as i go out from here to be and to live to be and to life in alignment with reality i don't know much about god's will i'm not even sure that there is that is correct and accurate language i wrote a meditation on does god really have a will does god really have a plan the second meditation but i am convinced that step three is about alignment with reality i want to turn and be in alignment with reality because when i'm in the flow i fit in my life and i fit in my community. Amen. The seventh step prayer concludes the process of steps three through seven. Step three does not have an amen. Interesting because it's not the end of a prayer, it's the beginning of a process of the rehabilitation of my relationship with myself. And I continue now to attempt to have rehabilitation of my relationship with others. More next week. Thank you.