The Responsibility of Old Timers to Keep the Program from Being Watered Down – Charlie P.

Because I've been known to me, he's traveled around with me around the state as I travel. As I have a volume of his taste on Big Book Studies. And he called me the other night and and he was the type of man that time on a telephone that I imagined him to be. And I was very excited at the airport yesterday evening to pick him up, if he was going to be that type of a person that I had him in my mind to be, you know. And he was. He was. The only thing that I seen different of him, him walking into the airport, the only thing I'd seen a little different of him. Damn, if he didn't have it, he walked. So he was awful easy to pick out of that crowd, you know, and I said, well, there he goes. And damn, if He didn't walk right straight up to me. So there was, I guess, there was something about me. I don't know if the curiosity look on my face or whatever the case may be. And we've had a little sharing together. We had dinner last night. And in listening to his tapes, I found out quickly that his way of thinking of this fellowship, the great fellowship of alcoholics and non-alcoholics, that we pretty much think alike. And that's wonderful, and I'm looking forward to sharing a lot more with Charlie before I have to take him and send him on his way. So if you will, not any more. I'm going to let him tell his side of it and without anything more. Help me welcome Charlie P. from the great state of Arkansas. Good morning, everybody. My name is Charlie Parman. I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. Because I'm the member of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and for the grace of the power that I found in the 12-step program of Alcoholic Anonymous, I haven't found necessary to take a drink for 6,001 days today, one day at a time, and for this I'm very grateful. And that is great to be here, I ask. So Maynard, when I got off that airplane yesterday and started to walk in that uh in that airport terminal building and i looked through the window and i could see him standing over there and he looked exactly like what an alcoholic ought to look like you know what what any problems thought him just walked right up to him i want to thank the committee and whoever was involved with getting me to be here this weekend and I feel real honored to be at the first conference of the Chattahoochee Valley Conference. It's a great pleasure to always go and share with people and share our story and our AA life, and I'm certainly grateful for the opportunity to do it here this weekend. This building is a great building. I fell in love with it when I first drove up here yesterday. I don't see any reason why you can't have an extremely good conference here from now on. Jim didn't hear from last night. I'm sorry he didn't. I wanted to thank him for last night on it. He made a great talk. He talked about the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. Those of you that know me know that that's my first love, and that's what I always like to hear about and talk about. Another reason I think you'll be very successful here at this particular convention is As long as those doors are open back there, the speaker can stand here and see himself or herself in the mirror across the hall. I hope I don't get so damn involved with watching me. I always like to tell a little story or a little joke before I start talking primarily. to settle me down and to get the butterflies in my stomach at the place they should be was a story i've heard years and years ago about a drunk in california and i just love it i love to share it this particular old drug he was one of those that didn't have a lot of money didn't having any means of transportation yet every time that he got drunk he always wanted to go somewhere he always won the traffic and about the only way he could do that was either hitchhike or ride a bus and this particular time he may have been up in San Francisco and he got drunk and he decided he wanted to go down to San Bernardino. And he had a little bit of money in his pocket so he goes down to the bus station and he buys himself a ticket to go to San Bernadino. The ticket agent told him that now the bus is a few minutes late but said about all you can do just go out into the lobby and sit down and said the bus will be here in a little bit. He said, okay, and he goes out in the lobby, and being one of these restless alcoholics, he didn't particularly want to sit down, so he got to looking around, and you have to notice over against the wall one of those weight machines which also tells your fortune, and he thought, well, I'll get on that weight machine and see how much I weigh and see what my fortune actually is. So he gets up on the weight machine, and we put the penny in it. A little card comes out, and the card says you weigh 155 pounds. It says you're 5'8 1⁄2 inches tall. You're 56 years old, and you've got blue eyes and blonde hair, and you're waiting on a bus to San Bernardino. And he thought, I don't understand how that thing can be that smart. And about that time, a pain hit him in the stomach, and he rushed to the restroom, and he got to the stool, and he pulled his britches down, and they sat on the stool. And nothing great happened, but he did pass a little gas and that made him feel better. So he gets up and he goes back in the lobby and he says, I'm going to try that weight machine one more time to see if it can possibly be right twice. He gets up on it, puts his penny in, the card comes out, and it says you weigh 155 pounds, you're 5'8 1⁄2 inches tall, you're 56 years old, you've got blue eyes, blonde hair, you're waiting on a bus to San Bernardino. And he said, man, I don't understand how that thing is that smart. And about that time, the pain hit him again. And he rushes back to the restroom and he jerks his britches down and he sits on the stool. And again, nothing great happened, but he did pass gas and that made him feel better. So he gets up, he goes back in the lobby and he says, I'm going to try that machine one more time and see if it can possibly be right three times in a row. He gets up on it, he puts his penny in, a little card comes out, and the card says you weigh 155 pounds, you're 5 foot 8 1⁄2 inches tall, you're 56 years old, you've got blue eyes and blonde hair, and it says you've done farted around and missed your bus to San Bernardino. And I think that is so typical of we alcoholics, you know. Many of us farted round and almost missed our bus to sobriety. In the last few years, especially the last year or two, I've heard some people refer to me as an A.A. fundamentalist. Now I'm not sure that I know what an A fundamentalist is, but if it is to love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous then I suspect that I am an A A fundamentalism. If it is to love the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and the program contained therein, then I suspect that I'm an a-a fundamentalist. If it's to love your God as you understand him with all your heart and soul, then I suspect that i'm an A-A fundamentalist because, you see, those three things are what allowed me to be here today. Those three things were what allowed me to live alive today. When I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the fellowship loved me, supported me, tolerated me, put up with me long enough for me to find my way into the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous. And when I found my way in the Big Books Alcoholics Anonymous I found out for the first time in my life what my problem really was. I found out about the disease of alcoholism. I found out that I had a two-fold disease, an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. And I found out unless something was done to treat that disease that I would either die or I would go permanently insane. Within the big book Alcoholics Anonymous I found out not only what my problem was but I found out what the solution to my problem was. I found out that i had become absolutely powerless over alcohol and that if I wanted to live, I was going to have to find a power greater than I am and a power greater than human power. And within the big book Alcoholics Anonymous I found a practical program of action that if i would apply it in my life I would be able to find that power and then that power would solve the problem for me and because of the practical program of action I have found the power greater than I am, the grace of God is our understanding, and He didn't expect me to drink alcohol anymore. And that primarily is what I'm going to talk about this morning, the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the big book AlcoholicsAnonymous, and my God as I understand Him in my life. Now, prior to coming to AA, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I thought perhaps I was one of these people who had a weak will. I thought Perhaps I was One of These People Who Were Just Simply A Bad, Sinful Human Being. I thought I Was A Person Who Had A Lack Of Character. And Why Would I Not Believe Those Things? Because Everybody Had Been Telling Me That's What's Wrong With Me. At AA, for the first time when I found out about my disease, for the first I understood why I drank like I did and for the first time I understood that I could not quit drinking now that I wanted to quit drinking. In order for me to really understand what my disease was, I found it was necessary for me understand words. I know that prior to coming to AA I had one interpretation of the word allergy, which I believe was a disservice to me when I first came to AA. Because they told me in AA that I'm allergic to alcohol, and I could not in my mind see where I was allergic to alcohol. I paid lip service to that statement and I said, oh yeah, I guess I am. But I really couldn't understand what they were talking about when they said I'm allergic to alcohol, because for me an allergy had to be something that would have some visible signs, some visible indicators, some visual manifestation of the allergy. Like for instance if you are allergic to strawberries and you eat them you will break out in a rash. The rash of course being the visible manifestation of the allergy, if you're allergic to milk and you drink it you normally have a bad case a dysentery with it. And the dysentary, of course, being the visible manifestation of the allergy. Or if you're allergic to ragweeds and you get around them and your eyes itch and your nose itches and you begin to sneeze and etc., all visible signs of being allergic to that material whatever it might be. And when I said I'm allergic to alcohol, I began to search in my mind to see where I had some visible manifestations. In the first place I went home and I opened my shirt, and I looked at me, and I didn't see any bumps on me at all. Whenever I drank alcohol, I did not necessarily have a bad piece of dysentery. Oh, once in a while I would, depending on what I'd been drinking the night before, but normally I did Not have a Bad Piece of Dysentery, and I said to the people who told me that, I said, How in the world can I be allergic to alcohol when I've been drinking about a quart of it a day for the last four, five, six years? How in the world can you be allergic to something that you can consume that much of? Finally, with my keen intellectual alcoholic mind, it became necessary for me to go to the dictionary and look up the word allergy and see what it really says. And when I looked up that word allergy, I found a definition that I think fits me 100% just exactly. One definition of the word allergy is an abnormal reaction to any food, beverage, or substance, an abnormal reaction. And I began to search my mind to see if I could determine where I was allergic or abnormal to alcohol itself. And I found that in order for me to determine whether I'm abnormal or not, I had to first determine, well, what is normal? And to my amazement, I knew nothing about normal drinking because, you see, the only way I've ever drank all my life has been abnormal. And all the people who drank around me and with me, their drinking was abnormal. And I really didn't understand what normal drinking was. So it became necessary for me to go to the so-called normal social drinker, the temperate drinker where I think today we refer to them as the social drinkers. And I would ask them to describe to me how they felt whenever they took a drink of alcohol. My wife Barbara happens to be a normal social drinking. Normally they will tell me that whenever they take a drink of alcohol, they get a warm, comfortable, relaxing feeling. They said we can go home from work and we can be tired and tense and wrought up and everything from the day's work, and we Can have that one or two drinks of alcohol and we Get a warm comfortable relaxing feeling And they said then we may or may not have another drink before dinner And then we'll go ahead and eat dinner And then that's probably all we're going to drink for that evening Well, now whenever I take a drink of alcohol, I don't feel that way at all. Whenever I take the drink of alchohol, I put it to my mouth and as it passes over my lips, my lips get a very hot intense burning exciting feeling. As it crosses my teeth, my teeth begin to chatter up and down. It strikes my tongue and my tongue begins to grow and swell and expand and get bigger and bigger. hits my cheeks and they tend to go in and out. And as it's doing all that, I feel it passing up through my sinus cavities up into my forehead, and I get a feeling in my forehead which is absolutely indescribably wonderful. And I haven't even swallowed the damn stuff yet. I've just got it in my mouth. Whenever I swallow that stuff and I feel it going down through my esophagus, as it passes through my chest, some wonderful things begin to happen. My chest begins to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger and bigger, and it strikes my stomach and it explodes like a bomb, and I can feel it racing out through my arms, and my arms get longer and longer and longer, and as my arms are getting longer I can see that racing through my legs and if it goes through my leg my legs get longer longer and I get taller and taller and it hits my feet in the bottom of my feet get that hot burning exciting feeling and my toes begin to tremble and vibrate and shake and my feet get the shuffle and they want to get up and go somewhere and do something I don't understand a warm comfortable relaxing feeling from alcohol now another another way that I differ in alcohol is it's a normal drinker whenever they have two or drinks of alcohol the majority of them will get a slightly tipsy out-of-control nauseating feeling and I don't particularly like that slightly tipsie out of control nauseating feelings and they say that's all we're going to drink now for years I thought the normal social drinker used willpower to not drink more than one two or three drinks but today I realize that they don't have to use willpower because one, two, or three drinks is really all they want to drink. They don't like that particular feeling they get from it. They say, we're not going to drink anymore. And by golly, they shut it off and they don't drink anymore that evening. The thing that is amazing to me today with a normal social drinker is that they get all they want to drank every damn time they drink. One, two or three drink. I drank alcohol for 26 years, and I never remember getting all I wanted to drink. Many, many times I've had a hell of a lot more than I needed to drink, but I never remembered drinking all that I wanted to drink." Whenever I take a drink of alcohol and put it in my system, there is a craving that develops within my body that demands more of the same. I don't get that slightly tipsy, out of control and obvious feeling. I get an in-control, exciting, get up and go somewhere, do something feeling, and I don't get that nauseous feeling. When I drink one, two, three drinks, my body demands more of the same, and i have a fourth drink and a fifth drink and a sixth drink, and the craving is so strong that it overcomes my ability to control the amount that I'm going to consume after I've had that one, three drinks. And I end up drunk and sick in all kinds of trouble. You know, I crave alcohol after I've had one or two drinks. The normal social drinker never craves alcohol after they've had 1, 2, or 3 drinks. Now the only difference between normal and abnormal is what do the majority of the people do? And if 9 people out of 10 drink like the social drinkers, and one person out of ten drinks like I drink, then we are considered to be abnormal to alcohol, therefore we are considered to be allergic to alcohol. And for the first time in my life, I understood why I can't drink safely. Now some people I know, I realize many alcoholics have several years of relatively safe drinking of alcohol. But I can never remember in that 26-year period that I ever had one drink of anything that had alcohol in it. Surely sometime I drank one beer, surely sometime I took one shot of whiskey, but if I did, I never remember doing that. Always when I had one drink, one called for two, two called for three, and then four, and five, and six, and eight, and ten, and on and on until I'm drunk, sick, and in all kinds of trouble. Therefore, I'm an abnormal alcohol, and I'm considered to be allergic to alcohol. In order for me to be an alcoholic, I believe I had to have some other things wrong with me also. Now, I know as a kid growing up, I was a little short, fat kid, and I always wore these glasses. And it seemed like I was always on the outside of the crowd looking in, always wanting to be a part of, but knowing I could not be a party of, knowing that whatever I said, whatever I did would be the wrong thing, and the other kids would laugh at me and I would be embarrassed. I remember when I was going to high school, the majority of the guys that I ran around with were into some form of athletics or other. And I always wanted to be as part of that crowd also. And I remember distinctly going to the football coach, and I asked him, I said, how about letting me try out for the track team? I mean, for the football team. And I'm not sure that he said these words, but it seemed to me as if this is what he said. It seemed as though he looked at me and he smiled, and he said, son, I'm sorry, little short bat boy that wears glasses don't make very good football players. He said, why don't you go over and try out für die Basketball Team? I remember going to the basketball coach, and I asked him to let me try out for the basketball team. And it seems as though he said to me, son, I'm sorry, little short fat boys that wear glasses don't make very good football players. Why don't you try out to the track team? And on and on and off. Also, I remember at that stage of my life that these other boys were doing things with girls that I wanted to do too. Sometimes I'd see them in the hallways of the school. And they'd be walking down the hall, and they'd have the girl's head on their shoulder, and she would be looking up at them with those great eyes. And I would be watching them, you know. And I wanted to do some of that too. Once in a great while, I'd see them around under the stairwell, and the boy would have the girls' heads up in the corner, and he would have her arms up around his head, and she Would have his head pulled down to hers, and they would be back in the Corner, and they Would be kissing back in that Corner. And I Wanted to do Some of that Too. But I found out the little short fat boys that wear glasses don't score any better there than they did on the athletic town of Kings Island. And I'll never forget one night when I was about 14 years old, we went to a school dance and the school dance is in an old barn out in the country and that old dairy barn had been converted into a dance hall with the upstairs portion where the hay used to be made into the dance floor and the downstairs portions where the stanchions are. They had tables where you could sit down and have a Coke or whatever you wanted to do. And that night I went upstairs in that old barn where those kids were dancing, and I was standing over against the wall and the music was playing and the kids were dancin'. And I remember tellin' myself, lookin' at a little girl out there named Betty who I'd always wanted to be somethin' with, I remember telling myself that as soon as this music stops, I'm gonna ask Betty to dance with me. Now, I'd never danced with a girl before. But I felt that I would be able to do it that night. And I know the music stopped and I began to walk toward Betty to ask Betty to dance with me. And as I got closer to Betty my mind began to say, well, what are you going to do if she says no? And all these other kids are going to hear her and they're going to laugh and you're going to be embarrassed. And my footsteps began to slow down. And as i got a little closer to the Betty, my mind said, well what are going do if she says yes? You'll step on her toes and you'll stumble and fall and she'll probably scream and slap your face and then you're sure going to be embarrassed. And my footsteps slowed down more and more and before I could get to Betty, the music started. Some other guy grabbed her and they went out and started dancing. And I went back against the wall and I said as soon as this music stops I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. And the music stopped and I began to walk toward Betty and the same thoughts began to occur. What are you going to do if she says no and what are you doing to do it? She says yes and my footsteps got slower and slower and before I could get to Betty, some other guy grabbed her and started dancing. I go back against the wall and I'm standing there saying to myself again, as soon as this music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. And a big tall slender guy that I knew came sidling up to me and he said, Johnny, how would you like to go outside with me and have a drink of moonshine? Well, I didn't know what moonshINE was but I was afraid to tell him no because the other kids would hear and I would be embarrassed so I said, okay, yeah, I'll do that. And we go downstairs and he opens up the trunk of his car and he reaches in and he gets out a quart jar of moonshine and he takes a drink and he hands it to me and I take a drink of that moonshINE. Now, the feeling I described to you a while ago begins to take place immediately. As the moonshINe went over my lips, I got that hot, intense, burning feeling in my lips. It hit my teeth and they began to chatter up and down. It struck my tongue. My tongue began to grow and swell. My cheeks went in and out. Up it went through my sinus cavities. I got this indescribably wonderful feeling in my forehead, and about that time I swallowed that damn stuff. Now, if you've never had a drink of moonshine, especially for the first drink, you wouldn't understand what I'm saying. But when that moonshINE went down through my chest, it felt like liquid fire. And I began to gag, and I couldn't catch my breath, and almost puked right there. And I got to coughing, and tears came to my eyes. But as it did, I felt my chest begin to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger. And it hit my stomach and exploded like a bomb. And out through my arms it went, and they got longer and longer. And down through my legs it went. And they got larger and longer, and I got taller and taller. And my feet began to shuffle and want to move. And this guy standing there said, Would you like to have another drink? And from the tremendous height that I'd already grown to, I looked down on his head and I said, Yeah, I believe I want one more thing. And we took a second drink, and we went back upstairs where the kids were dancing. And I went over against the wall, and I was standing there watching Betty dance. And I said, as soon as the music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. And the music stopped, and then I began to walk toward Betty. And to my amazement, this time my mind did not say, what are you going to do if she says no? Because I knew for sure that Betty was going to say yes. This time my mind did not say, what are you going to do if she says yes and you step on her toes, stumble and fall? And she screams because I knew that I'd be able to dance with Betty and everything would be all right. And I walked right up to Betty and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance? And she said, well, yeah, fine, great. And the music started and Betty andI began to dance. And sure enough, I didn't stumble andfall. Sure enough,I didn't step onher toes. And we got through the dance just great. And as the music began to come to an end for that particular tune, I found myself doing something again that I'd never been able to do before. I turned to Betty and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me again? And she looked at me and she said, well, yeah, fine, Charlie, that's all right. She said, you're a pretty good dancer. She said I didn't know you could dance. I said hell, I didn' t either but let's try it one more time. Now, to the best of my recollection, Betty didn't dance with anybody else that night. And I really believe tonight, as I look back on that, that Betty and I danced every tune for the rest of the evening together. And as the dance began to draw to a close, I found myself again doing something I've never been able to do before. I said, Betty, how about letting me take you home for a dance? And she said, well, sure, Charlie, that'd be okay. That'd be fine. Now, I didn't have an automobile to take her home in, but I knew a fellow that had one, and he was a tall, slender guy that had a poor moonshine in the trunk of his car. And I went over and I asked him if Betty and I could ride home with he and his girlfriend. And he said, well, yeah, come on. He said, let's go. So we go downstairs and we get the moonshine out of the trunk of the car and put it up in the front. He and his boyfriend get in the back seat. Betty and i get in a back seat we have another drink and we go tootling it down the road and as we're tooting it down in the road my mind begins to work and think and it says you know you've asked this girl to dance with her and she didn't say no and you've danced with her and you didn't step on her toes or stumble and fall and you'd ask her to take her home and my mind said, I wonder what she would do if I would reach over and put my arm around her and pull her over here against my shoulder. And we rode along a little ways and I thought about that some more and after a while I put my arms around Betty and I pulled her over against my shoulders and sure enough she did the same thing those girls was doing in school. She laid her head on my shoulder and she looked up at me with those big eyes, you know. You guys know how they look when they do that, you know? And I thought, now, man, this is really living. I really enjoy this. And as we rode down the road a little further, my mind began to think again. It said, you've asked this girl to dance with her and everything was okay. You're taking her home. You got her in the back seat of this car. You got our head on your shoulder. My mind said, I wonder what she'd do if I would kiss her. And as I rode along a little farther and thought about that some more, I decided to do that. Now, I'd never kissed a girl before, and I really didn't know how to do it. But I had seen them do it in the movies, so I knew that if I followed what they practiced in the movies, everything would be okay. So I reach over and I get Betty by the chin with my right hand, and I get her face situated just exactly right. And I begin to reach down to lay my lips on hers. Now, I wasn't sure what would happen. I thought maybe she would really slap me this time. But as I laid my lips on hers, I closed my eyes just before I did because that's what I've been see them do in the movies, and I figured your eyes ought to be closed, and I put my lips on Beth's. And I really didn't know what to expect. But you know, she didn't slap my face. In fact, in a little bit, her little lips began to move and kind of tingle, and then my little lips began to move and kinda tingle. You know? And I thought, Jesus Christ! So this is what it's all about. And as we rode along a little further, my mind began to think a little bit more. And they said, here I've got, I've asked this girl to dance with me and everything worked out and I'm taking her home and I got her in the back seat of the car and I've put her head on my shoulder and I kissed her and she didn't slap my face. My mind said, I wonder what she'd do if I'd reach over there and get hold of one of those things. Now, I wrote a little further and I decided I would do that. And again, it's something that I've never done before, but I figured that if you're going to do that, you need to be kissing them at the same time. So again, I got Betty by the chin and I got her face just where it ought to be. And I leaned down to kiss her, but at this time I didn't close my eyes because I wanted to see what my right hand was getting ready to do. And as I leaned down and as I put my lips on Betty's, sure enough, my right reached over there and got hold of one of those things. Now let me tell you something. If you're a little short fat kid that wears glasses, and you've been thinking about getting hold of those thing for a long time, and you get one of those in your hand for the first time in your life, I'll tell you there's no feeling like that a period. I know that I had never felt anything like that before, and I'm not so damn sure I've ever felt anything like that since. Looking back on that today, I realize that was probably my first spiritual experience right there in the backseat of that car. I get to thinking about it today and my old right hand just gets to shaking and trembling. Now, the only reason I don't know enough about Betty, the only reasons I tell the story about Betty is to make a point. And the point is that here was a little short-backed kid that wore glasses that never did seem to fit in anywhere he went. Always afraid of what he would say and what he could do would be the wrong thing and the kids would laugh at him and he would be embarrassed. to unable to function in what to him was normal society, which is the rest of the kids that he runs around with. And that night he took a drink of alcohol and alcohol did something for him that he had never been able to do for himself. Alcohol gave him the courage and the strength and everything that he had to have in order to function and what to Him was normal to start alcohol that night became the answer to all of his problems. And alcohol that night did for him what he could not do for himself. Alcohol that night became a power greater than he was. I loved the feeling that I got from it so well that I couldn't hardly wait to do it again. And the next time I got a chance to drink, I tried it and sure enough it worked and it did the same thing again. And the third time I tried, sure enough, it worked and it didn't work. It did the exact same thing and my mind immediately became obsessed with the idea of drinking alcohol. Now, an obsession of the mind is really not too difficult to understand. An obsession ofthe mind is an idea that overcomes all other ideas. Almost immediately with my drinking, I began to get into trouble. And my mother told me in the very beginning, she said, Son, you oughtn't to drink that stuff. She said, Don't you know that you have an uncle that's in the state of insane asylum in California, and he's become a wet brain from drinking alcohol? off. And she said, if you continue to drink, you're going to be just like him and you're going to end up right where he is. And my mind said, no, mother, I'll never be like him because if I get to drinking like he drinks, then I will simply quit drinking. Her idea for me was to stop. My idea was to continue to dream. My dad told me, he said, son, he said, every family that's ever tried to drink alcohol has got in trouble with it. He said, I don't know why it is, but there's something wrong in our family that we can't drink booze. And he said, if you continue to drink it, you're going to destroy yourself, your life, and everything that you hold near and dear to you. But my mind says, no, Dad, I'll be different. If I ever get to drinking like the rest of you Parmley's, then I'll quit drinking. You can bet on that. My first wife said, Charlie, I love you dearly. She said, you are a good man. And she said, I don' t want anything to happen to our marriage. But she said, You don't drink alcohol like other people drink it. And she said if you don't stop drinking, sooner or later I'm going to have to leave you. And my mind said, Honey, you don' t understand. If it ever gets to the point where it really gives us a problem, then I'm gong to stop drinking. My boss said to me, He said, Charlie, you're one of the finest employees we've got. And he said, you' re slated for great things with our company. And he sa d, In a few years, I'm gonna retire and you're gonna be able to get my job providing one thing. He said, you're going to have to quit drinking that booze. He said you're drinking it and you're laying out at night and I don't know what you're doing and I don't care but it's beginning to interfere with your job. And he said, if you don't stop drinking, you're gonna lose this job sooner or later. And my mind said, boss, you don' understand that if I ever get to that point then I will stop drinking. Everybody's idea was for Charlie to stop drinking Charlie's idea wasn't that if it ever gives him a problem he will stop drinkin when that day comes. An obsession of the mind is an idea that overcomes all ideas. You know, all people are obsessed with certain things. We have some people that are obsessed with the idea of gambling. We have Some people are Obsessed with the Idea of Overeating. We Have Some People Obsessed With the Idea Of Working. We Have some People Obsessively with the Idea of Sex and We Even Have People Obsesed with the Idea of Stopping Other People from Drinking, You Know? And it's obvious to everybody around the gambler, the overeater, the one trying to stop people from drinking, that they can't do those things. But it is not obvious to the one who is obsessed with the idea. Their idea is that some way, somehow, I'm going to find a way to do this. And my idea with alcohol was that I'm gonna be able to drink it, it's not ever gonna give me any problem, and I'm always gonna beable to do what I want to with it, And if it does give me a problem, then I'll simply stop drinking. Twenty-four years later, my second wife joined the Fellowship of Al-Anon. And when she went to Al-Anaon, she began to bring home some pieces of literature about alcoholism, about AA, and various different things, and lay them around in different positions in my house. Well, I never would read those things while she was there. But after she would leave, once in a while I would pick one up and I would begin to read a little bit about alcoholism, a littlebit about Alcoholics Anonymous, a littlebid about what I may have to do someday in order to recover from this thing that was by that time literally destroying my life, period. My wife had been in Al-Anon probably four, five, six months and one day she came home and she said, Charlie. She said, my wife, or my sponsor, Wanda, has a husband named Floyd and said he's in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. She says, would you even consider talking to him about alcoholism? And I said, oh yeah, I guess I would. It'd be okay. I really don't think I need it, but if it would make you feel better, yeah, I'll be willing to talk to Floyd. And I never will forget the day that Floyd and Wanda came to the house. Barbara and Wanda got in the car and left, and left Floyd and I sitting in my kitchen. And Floyd sat down with me, and he began to do for me that night or that day what nobody else had ever been able to do before. Floyd satdown and he begin to talk to me about his disease of alcoholism. And nobody else has ever done this before. Everybody else that had talked to me alcoholism had talked to me about my disease of alcoholism and what I was going to have to do about it. And Floyd didn't seem to really give a damn about my disease, he talked to me about his. And he began to explain to me his disease. He began to explain to me the fact that he had to find a power greater than he was, and he began to talk to me about a practical program of action practiced by a bunch of people in a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. And And he did it in such a manner that he got my interest and intrigued me. And nobody had ever been able to do that before. Now, God works in very mysterious ways. That has been now about 18 years ago. And my friend Floyd has never been able to get any long-term lasting sobriety. Floyd gets sober. He stays sober for 90 days or six months and he ends up getting drunk all over again. One time within this 18-year period, Floyd got a year of sobriety. And I got to give Floyd his lighter that night and I cried and Floyd cried and everybody else cried. And damned if he didn't turn around within a week and get drunk all over again. My friend Floyd today is in a mental institution at the VA hospital in North Good Rock, Arkansas. Floyd is in there because about six months ago he got drunk one night, run out of gas. Walking down the highway a car ran over him, broke his left leg in three places with compound fractures. They went and operated on it, put it in pens and put it into a cast, and they put Floyd in a nursing home to keep him off of his foot. They said, now don't get on that foot. If you do, you're going to tear all that stuff loose. And Floyd managed to lay in that bed about three weeks in that nursing home, and then if he didn't get up and try to walk and tore at least. They had to take him back, take the cast off, put new pins in, put him back in a nursing home within a month. He did the same thing all over again. They took him back and now they repinned it, put a cast on it, and they've got him strapped down in a nut house down in Little Rock, Austin. So he hasn't got enough brain left to even know not to walk on his leg, you know. God works in very mysterious ways. Sometimes I wonder why. Why did I get sober and floyd hasn't made it and i don't really guess it's any of my business it just so happens at work floyd took me to my first meeting of alcoholics anonymous and i walked in the door of the aa meeting and there they all stood this was a little meeting in siloam springs arkansas and when i walked into the door they were standing there and they all had a smile on their face and they stuck their hand out and they shook hands with me and they said hello charlie how are you they said man we're glad to see you here have you been having a little trouble with alcohol And I said, well, yeah, I guess I have. And the reason I'm here is to try to find out what to do about it. And they began to tell me what I needed to do about my disease. One fellow said you need to go to 456AA meetings a week if you want to stay sober. He said we find that the more meetings you can go to, the more support you get from the group, the more fellowship you have, the better your chance in the beginning. And he said if you'll go to 4, 5, 6 meetings a month, you'll probably stay sober for a while at least. Another fellow picked up this book and he said, Charlie, this is the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. He said if you'll read it and study it and do what it says, you'll be able to live without drinking if you really want to stop. And another old fellow sitting back over at the side of the room, and you see him at every A&E meeting. I see one or two here today, you know, bald-headed old poot. He looked at me, and he grinned, and his smile was a little funny smile. And he said, Son, in those days I was much younger. He said, son, he said, if you really want to stay sober, someday you will have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand me if you want to stays sober. Now I thought about the three things that these people had said and the first thing I realized was that they didn't understand me at all. You know, this guy talking about going to four, five, six AA meetings a week. I said, you don't understand. You don't realize that I've got a farm out here in the country and I raised 45,000 chickens and I've got a hundred head of cattle and I got 30 sows and I gotta red-headed wife and four kids and two bird dogs and by God you gotta work hard to keep up with those things and I said I've gotta stay home at night and get my rest but I said I will come to one AA meeting a week I can't go to any more than one meeting a year I picked up the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I opened it to where they told me to go to chapter 5 and I read how it works and read the steps, and I just almost puked right there. Because it said we admitted we were powerless. And I've never admitted in my life I was powerless over anything. Step two said came to believe that a power greater than ourself would destroy society. Well, I wasn't crazy. I said, man, don't tell me I'm crazy. I said yeah, I do stupid things when I drink, but I'm not crazy. If you're not powerless and you're nothing else, then you don't need step three. You don't have to turn your will over to God. And I just closed the braided on the shelf. I thought about what that fellow had said about turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him. And what they didn't understand was that I understood God. But you see, I was born and raised in a good old Southern Baptist church. And I'm not going to knock the Southern Baptist Church. I loved it then. I love it today. But it seems to me as though in my Southern Baptist churches as a kid growing up, the only thing I'd ever heard was hellfire and brimstone. You go to hell for lying, cheating, stealing, drinking whiskey and committing adultery. and I've been doing that for over 20 years. And I knew that God wasn't going to have anything to do with me. I knew it already told St. Peter whenever the poor-eyed sucker gets up here just send him on downstairs. We've got no room for his kind up there at all. But I said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I said I'll go to your meeting down here in Solomon Springs, Arkansas every Friday night and I won't miss a beating and I'll work this thing the way I want to and I'm going to stay sober. And I said, if you don't believe me, you watch me. I'm getting ready to do exactly that. Thank God for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, any other fellowship in the world would have taken an arrogant, overbearing SOB like me and thrown me out the door. All they did was just rear back and smile and said, well, keep coming back. I kept coming back, and I went to their meetings every Friday night, didn't miss a meeting period. And 90 days later, I was sicker than I'd ever been in my life. You know? I was mad at me. I was bad at my wife. I was mad at my kids. I was made of my bird dogs. I was met today a nothing was working right and I wanted to feel better and I didn't know how to feel that and I've been hearing them people talking about slips and I and I decided by go it's time for me to have one of them. So I took a drink of alcohol in order to feel better and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking and some three four five six weeks later, I ended up drunk sick and in all kinds of trouble now in those days when I drank, the only way I could stop drinking was to taper off. And the only way I can taper off was go to the liquor store and get a couple of cases of beer to go along with my daily ration of vodka, and gradually, gradually, I could get off the vodka on the beer, and then I could taper off the beer and then I'd be okay. Now that would take me anywhere from one to three weeks to taper off, but I finally tapered off and I went right back to Siloam Springs at that meeting and there they all stood when I walked in the door and they said hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we're glad to see you back. Said, you been having a little trouble with alcohol? I said, yes, I have. And I guess the reason I'm here is to find out what to do about it. And they proceeded to tell me. One guy said, you need to go to four, five, six AA meetings a week. And one says, you needs to read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And the old boot in the room, he said, yeah. He said, someday you'll have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand them if you want to stay sober. And again, I said, I can't do these things. And looking back on my life at that particular time, I realized today that I could not do those things because I had not been defeated. But I said to tell you what I'll do. I'll come to your AA meeting every Friday night and I'll work this sucker the way I want to. And I'm going to stay sobre. And if you don't believe me, you watch me. I'm getting ready to do it. And they said, keep coming back. And I kept coming back and six months later, I was sicker than I've ever been before in my life. I was going to a meeting every Friday night, but the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous alone was not giving me what I needed in order to overcome my disease. Jim talked last night about that sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks. Dr. Silkworth tells us in The Big Book when we're sober, we're restless, we'RE irritable, we'RE discontented. We can add a few more words to that if we're practicing alcoholics. We're full of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse, and we don't feel good and we won't feel better. And our mind keys in on what always made us feel better, which is a drink. And at the end of six months I took a drink and I triggered the allergy and I couldn't stop drinking. Five, six, seven weeks later I taped it off and I came back to AA and I walked in the door of the meeting and there they all stood. Had their hands sticking out and they said, Hello Charlie, how are you? Man, we're glad to see you back. You been having a little trouble? I said, Yes, I have. And I guess the reason I'm here is to find out what to do about it and they proceeded to tell me. One guy said, You go to four or five, six AA meetings a week. Another one said, Read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And the old coot in the back of the room, he said, Boy, I'm getting tired of telling you this. But he said sooner or later you're going to have to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him if you want to stay sober. And again I couldn't do those things. Absolutely could not. Nine months later it became necessary for me to have a drink again. I wanted to feel better and knew no other way to feel good. I felt better, took a drink, triggered the allergy, couldn't stop. This drunk was different. This drunk, after three, four, five, six weeks, when I drank myself all the way down and began to try to taper off, I found out I couldn't taper off. I'd go get the beer to go with the vodka. The beer would do nothing for me. I would drink the vodka, I would pass out, I Would wake up some four, five, Six hours later, shaking, trembling, sweating, swearing I'd never take Another drink as long as I lived, and turn right around and take a couple of Drinks and pass out. And this cycle went on and on and On. And the days began to stretch into weeks. And one day I realized that I was dying, dying from the disease of alcoholism. Thank God for my wife, Barbara. Thank God für die Fellowship of Al-Anon. She left me to lay in the utility room until I reached my bottle. In fact, she helped me reach my bottle I'll never forget one day she looked in there and she said, Honey, you're sick, aren't you? And I said, Yes, I am. She said, You got anything left to drink? And I says, No, I don't. And she said, I'll be right back. And about an hour later, she came in with 12 half pints of vodka, all different flavors, and said, here, you want this more than you want anything else. And I always thought she did that out of the goodness of her heart. Today I realize that she had learned the sooner I get there, the better, and she helped me get there and she left me alone to do it. And one morning I woke up to the full realization that I'm dying from the disease of alcoholism. And I didn't want to die drunk. And now I know I've got to die, but I don't want To die drunk, and I still don't Want to die Drunk today. And I never will forget, I turned to my wife and I said, Barbara, I can't quit drinking. I've Got to have some help. And I believe that's the first time in my life I ever asked for help that I can remember. And she went to the phone, and she called eight people. Floyd was one of them and another guy. And they came to me, and they looked at me, and they said, My God, we can't do anything with this guy. If we try to sober him up, he will die here in hell. They said, We've got to put him in a hospital. And Floyd turned to me and he said, Come on, Charlie, and let's take a bath and clean it up, and we'll put you in a house. And I said, No, boys, I don't think I'm that bad. I said I believe I can do this my way. And one turned to the other and said, if that's the way he feels, there's nothing we can do for him then. And they said, let's go home. And Floyd left my house, and he turned as he went out the door with tears in his eyes, and he said, Charlie, call me when you're ready. And I laid there the rest of that day, and toward the middle of the afternoon, I knew I couldn't do anything about it. And I got up, and some way I got to the phone, and I called Floyd, and he came and picked me up, and he put me in the hospital. And I woke up in that hospital three or four, five, six days later. I don't know how long. Don't know what went on in that hostel while I was there. I simply know that my arms were bruised when I came to myself. I know that the nurses coming down the hall would not come in the room. They would just stick their head in to see if I was all right. I have no idea what transpired in that three or five or six days. But when I wokeup in there, I wokeu in a place that I've never been before, not physically but in my head. I woke up to the fact that I had been completely defeated by alcohol. For the first time in my life, I had found something that I could not control, could not manipulate, could not con, could not make it do what I wanted it to do. And alcohol had absolutely defeated me in a fair fight. And I knew that I couldn't live without drinking. And I know that if I drank again, I was going to die from the disease of alcoholism and I didn't want to die that way and I don't know what in the world to do about it. And it came to mind what another old fellow in AA had said. He said, if ever in complete desperation you don't know which way to turn and you don' t know what to do, he'd say try a little prayer. And I remember laying in that bed in the hospital praying, Do I dare pray? And my mind said, No, you don''t pray. My mind said only weak people pray. Strong people like you are, Charlie, that stand on their own two feet, they don't pray. That's just for weak people. My mind says, Well, hell, God wouldn't listen to you anyhow because of what you've been. And my mind said, well, what are you going to do if you don't? And then a qualm of mine said, well, why would it hurt to try? There's nobody in the room. Nobody will see you. So why would he hurt to cry? And finally, very reluctantly, I uttered a prayer and the prayer itself was a false prayer. And this is how great my God is. I said, God, if there is a kind and a loving God, will you remove from me the obsession to drink alcohol? Now, I have no idea what happened that day. I didn't see any lights flash. I didn' t hear any bells ring. I didn''t feel any clean wind blow clear through. But the instant I uttered that prayer, I knew that I never had to take another drink of alcohol as long as I lived if I didn ''t want to. I didn?'t know what I was going to do about it, but I knew I didn'T have to drink anymore if I didnt want to, and I got up, and I left that hospital, and I went back to the AA meeting at Siloam Springs, and there they all stood, and they had their hands sticking out, and they said, hello Charlie, how are you? Man, we're glad to see you back. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? I said, yeah, I have. But this time I didn't ask them what to do about it. And they didn't tell me what to deal with that. I started going to four or five or six area meetings a week. I began to read and study the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. I begin to thank my God every morning when I woke up. And I began asking him to keep me sober for the rest of that day. And I began to thank him at night for helping me stay sober that day, and slowly, slowly, slowly my life began to change. For the first time in my life I found myself sober and not wanting to drink alcohol, for the first times since I was 14 years old. And as I read and studied my big book Alcoholics Anonymous, I learned some amazing things. In the doctor's opinion, that's where I started this time. In the Doctor's Opinion, I learned the exact nature of my illness. I learned that it's not weak will. I learned it is not lack of character. I learned there is a disease, and it is a physical allergy of the body, and it's an obsession of the mind. And it's a very unique disease because most diseases do not incapacitate both the body and the mind, and that's why it is so unique, and that is why it's so hard to do anything about. And I learned since it is unique involving both the mind and the body then the only possible answer is through spirituality. You know, I learned in chapter 2 that in order for me to recover from my disease, I'm going to have to have not only the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm also going to be able to have a spiritual experience. And when I read the word spiritual experience, I almost threw the book down again because I'd seen those spiritual experiences in my Baptist church and I didn't want any of that kind of stuff. But thank God there was a little asterisk there in chapter 2 by the word spiritual experience. That asterik took me to the bottom of the page, and it said, see appendix 2 in the back of the book. And I went to page 569, and I read what their definition of a spiritual experience is. I read that it is nothing more than a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. And I can buy those terms. I can live with that. That's not some great theological thing way out here in the bushes somewhere. And I begin to see, in order for me to recover, that I would have to have that spiritual experience. In chapter 3, I begin TO SEE THE REAL INSANITY OF ALCOHOLISM. I begin To SEE THAT IT'S NOT THE THINGS I DO AFTER I'M DRUNK. THOSE THINGS ARE CAUSED BY A MIND THAT HAS BEEN SEDATED WITH ALCOHOLE. alcohol. I begin to see the insanity referred to in step two is the state of the mind immediately preceding the first drink. You know, to be insane is simply to believe a lie. And always, just before I took the first drank, I believed that I could drink. In order for me to drink today, I would have to believe that I can drink. I can't go into a liquor store and say, mister, I drank a quart of that stuff 16 years ago, almost 17. And it damn near killed me. How much would you charge me for another bottle of it today? I would have to go in that liquor store with the full knowledge that this time it's going to be okay. This time I'm not going to get drunk. This time it'll be different. And that's a lie for me as an alcoholic. That's the insanity of alcoholism. That's what I've got to be restored from. i found out in chapter four that it really isn't so difficult that in order for me to start a spiritual growth but the first thing i got to do is just believe not know anything just believe believe that there is a power greater than i am or even be willing to believe that there's a power bigger than i have and i've always believed in god i knew that god could do whatever he wanted to do anytime he wanted to do it. I've always known there was a power greater than human power, and I found out that all I got to do in order to start my spiritual growth is just believe. Then I found out in order for me to do that, I'm going to have to make a decision, and I'm gonna have to decide between two facts. I'm gonna have to decide between step one and two. You know, step one says I'm powerless over alcohol and my life's unmanageable, and in my book that says I had that one of two alternatives. One is to go on drinking to the bitter end, blotting it out to the thus to my ability till I die, step one. And the other is to accept spiritual help, step two. Came to believe that a power greater than ourself could restore us to sanity. And in step three, I had to decide between those two choices. Do I continue doing it my way till I Die? Or do I accept spiritual health that it talks about in step two? And I made a decision to let my God as I understand Him direct my will, which is my thinking, and direct my life, which are my actions. And I realized actions always follow thinking. And all my trouble before it had been that I've had faulty thinking, and the faulty thinkin' led to bad decisions, and the bad decisions led to mad actions and screwed my life up royally. And I thought now if God can direct my thinkin', then my decisions will be better. And if my decisions are better, my actions are better and my life will be better. I realized also in the big book that in order for me to do that, that I would have to remove from me whatever blocked me off from God's will. And I found out in step four that I'm going to need to take a personal inventory of the way that I think. You see, the only thing that blocks me off from God is the way I think today. And if I'm thinking right, then God's well can come in. But if my thinking is screwed up and faulty today, then I have effectively blocked God out and God can't come in and it said I need to look at these things in the way I think. And it said, I need to look at the common manifestations of self. And it said that there's three common manifestations of self, one is anger, resentments, one is fear, and one is harms that I do to other people. And today I realize that's absolutely true. And you can show me a selfish, self-centered person, but I'll show you one that's madder than hell all the time. The world didn't treat them right. Things aren't going right. People aren't doing what they want them to do. Show me a selfish, self-centered person and I'll show you one that runs on fear all the time. We don't know what's going to happen to us but we know when it gets here it ain't going to be worth a damn. Show me an unselfish, self-centered person and I will show you one that is always doing things to hurt other people. And my book says I need to look at these common manifestations of self because they are what blocks me off from God's will. And I took an inventory exactly like the big book says to take it. I listed my resentments and I analyzed them. I listed my fears and I analyzed them. I listed the harms I have done to other people and I analyze them. And for the first time in my life, I realized how anger and fear and the harms that I've done to others and the other people dominated my thinking. And I realized if those aren't out of my life there's no way God can enter my mind. Thank God for the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. It never leaves you hanging by yourself. It told me how to get rid of resentments. It toldme how toget rid offears and it tells me how to get rid of the harms that I do to other people so that I can get them out of my head and God can enter. I found the character defects and I asked God to take them away in steps 6 and 7. I used steps 8 and 9 to remove the fear and the guilt and the remorse that I felt in my relationship with other people because of the things I've done in the past. Now, I just followed a simple procedure. In step 2, I believed. In step 3, I decided. In steps 4 through 9, I acted. And as the result of the action, then I got results. And the results given to me in the big book are the promises, and they come after the end of step nine. And I began to experience the things talked about on page 83 and 4. I began TO KNOW A NEW FREEDOM AND A NEW HAPPINESS. I DID NOT REGRET THE PAST AND WISH TO SHUT THE DOOR ON IT. I BEGAN TO COMPREHEND THE WORD SERENITY AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AS THE RESULTS OF THE ACTIONS THAT I HAD TAKEN IN STEPS FOUR THROUGH NINE. See, I'd always wanted the results, but no action beforehand. And the book said you can't do that. It said these promises, you can have them. They will always materialize if you work for them. And I did the work and I got the promises. And now I begin to use 10, 11, and 12 as the book says to do it. And if you use 10.11 and 12, as the big book says, they're not maintenance steps. They are growth steps. Step 10 says our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And it said, continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And said, when these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. Then we discuss them with someone immediately. And then we make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. And I would defy anybody in the room to do that on a daily basis and stay the way you are. You can't. As you do that, you're practicing steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 in your life every day on a daily basis, and you learn more about yourself. Your relationship with God becomes better and better. Your relationship without a people become better and better, and you grow and you go. Nothing can stay the same. You can't maintain. We use the term, but it's a word that's false. Everything in this universe is either growing or it's dying. It's progressing or regressing, going forward or back. Human personality is the same way. I can't stay the way I am at step nine. I can not maintain that. I'm going to grow further, or I'm going to begin to slide back. Step 11 says we sought through prayer and meditation to improve, not maintain, to improve our conscious contact with God as an understanding. And it blows my mind today to think about this. You know, there's books in this world that are literally thousands of pages to teach you how to develop a spiritual life. Bill Wilson had the ability in two and a half pages through some simple suggestions to lay out a spiritual life for you and I. And I find that if I practice these suggestions in my big book in step 11, that I begin to develop a spiritual life and I've come closer and closer and closer to God as I understand it. Bill referred twice in the big book, once in his story and once in chapter 2 about a fourth dimension of existence. I really believe in the first nine steps we get right in the three dimensions that are common to mankind, the spirit, the mind, and our relationship with other people. But in 10, 11, and 12, we are rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence that we never dreamed was there. You know, my relationship with God today as I understand him is something that I never thought any human being could have. In step 12, I had the final promise in the big book, you know, the greatest promise of all, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. That's a promise. Having had a spirit of awakening as THE result of THESE steps. Spiritual awakening is a personality change sufficient to recover from the disease of alcoholism. That's all it is. And I believe today that my personality has changed. I'm no longer a selfish individual. I'm not a selfish person. I'm now no longer self-seeking, dishonest human being. I'm an entirely different person than I was 15 or 16 years ago. If I wasn't, I would keep on doing those things I used to do. I don't do those things anymore. I very seldom lie anymore. Hell, I haven't been in a divorce court in 16, 17 years. I don't steal very much anymore. I'm an entirely different human being than I used to be. Therefore, since I don' t do those things, then I'm no longer restless, irritable, and discontent. My mind is no longer filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse because I'm not doing the things that I used today. And after having received the spiritual awakening that I'm charged with a responsibility of carrying this message to the alcoholic that still suffers, this message is very simple. The message that you and I have to give to other people is the spiritual awaking contained in the first 11 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we can print our information and we can do for others what Floyd did for me. We can sit down with them, and by talking about our disease, we can get their interest. By talking about the fact that we have defined a power greater than we were, we can give their interest, but talking about the practical program of action as we had to apply it in our life, we can show him what he needs to do. And then that person can apply that action, and we can walk with him as he applies it, and then he can have a spiritual awakening also, and then He can carry the message to those who still suffer. One more thing, and then I'm going to quit. In 1939, when the big book Alcoholics Anonymous was printed, published, and put out for the public, there were 100 people in an unnamed fellowship. These 100 people sometimes called themselves the drunk squads of the Oxford groups. They had no name whatsoever. These 100 people decided to name this book Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, the first AlcoholicsAnonymous was the big book Alcoholic Anonymous . These 100 had been unnamed up until that time, then began to call themselves Alcoholics Anonymous from the title of their book, Alcoholics Anonymous. So we can see in 1939, there was two Alcoholics Anonymouses. One was a book that contained the program of recovery. The other was a fellowship that had used that program of recovery. And the program and the book and the program in the fellowship were exactly the same. Now, in those days, my book tells me that 50% of the people that came to the fellowship and used that program, recovered immediately. And instead of those that did not recover and went back to drinking, shortly thereafter 25% came back in and recovered. So it was evident when the program and the book and the fellowship were the same, the recovery rate was 75%. Now as time went by and the Fellowship began to grow and get bigger and bigger and people began to stay sober more and more on Fellowship, The fellowship did to our program what people always do. They begin to change it. And the program in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is no longer the same as it is in the book. The program has changed in the fellowship. You know, we hear such statements as, all you've got to do is just keep coming to meetings and everything will be all right. We hear statements that say if you come long enough, you'll soak it up by osmosis and you'll be okay. I damn near died from the disease trying to soak it up by osmosis. In the fellowship, we've developed programs such as birthdays. In the scholarship, we develop programs such 90 meetings in 90 days. Now, I don't see anything wrong with 90 meetings and 90 days, but that does not make you a recovered alcoholic. You know, you can go to the Parent Teachers Association, you can do 90 meetings for 90 days and that ain't going to make you apparent. You have to go through a process. You've got to change in order to become a parent, in order to recover from the disease of alcoholism. You've gotta change your personality sufficient to recover. Now today, sometimes I go to AA meetings and I wonder where I am because they're not talking about the program in the book. They're talking about a fellowship program. Today I wonder what the percentage of recovery is. Is it 50% anymore? Is it 25%? Is it 20%? No. As far as we can determine today, it's less than 20%. I just wonder if our fellowship would get the same program that the first 100 used, which is still in our book, by the way. It's never been changed. I just wondering if our Fellowship, if we would go back to that program, if we could not expect a better recovery rate than we're experiencing today. Now this is the responsibility of the old-timers in AA. And I think in our zeal to help people, I think we've been playing the numbers game. I think that we've trying to get thousands and thousands and thousands of people into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. But what are we doing about their recovery program? Are we showing them what they're going to need to do? Are we taking them into the book? Are we helping them understand the steps? I think thats the job of the old timer and I think its the responsibility of the Old Timers in AA. If our fellowship fails, it's not going to be because of those new people coming to AA. It's going to because we older members have refused to accept our responsibility. We're letting new people who are the sickest of the sickiest determine what our program is going to become. In our fear of running them off, we've watered our program down until it's meaningless in many cases. We don't want to talk about God. We're afraid we'll run a newcomer off. My sponsor said, don't worry about talking about God. He said, hell, if God runs him off whiskey, he'll run him right back in here every damn time. And I believe that today. I could go on and on and all and talk about this great fellowship, about this program, as I said in the beginning, if to be an AA fundamentalist is to love the fellowship of AA, If it's to love the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous and the program contained therein, if it's love your God as you understand Him, then certainly today I'm an AA fundamentalist. Because this is the only thing that saved my life. And it's the only things that allows me to be where I am today. Thank you all for letting me be here.