The Resentment That Outlived the Marine Corps Career – Sandy B.

Hi, everybody. My name's Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic. Thank you for inviting me, Bob, and all the rest of you. I'm impressed with this group. We started one in Tampa about two years ago. They just didn't have enough speaker meetings. We tried to maintain this same kind of energy level, and Bob spoke there. It's something that was really needed, and I can tell from the turnout here that this This is something that's really appreciated, something you just look forward to and you know it's going to be a great evening. I can feel that here, it's just a wonderful group. My sobriety date is December 7th, 1964, and I've had the same sponsor from the day I came into AA until today. So that's a pretty good break when you both stay alive that long. I'm not close to Bill, he's up in Virginia and I moved down to Tampa, but we stay in touch and I have a lot of great memories. Sponsors are so important, they just are the great teachers and the great examples. Both being sponsored and then sponsoring somebody is, to me, the most crucial element of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's where the rubber meets the road when you're just one-on-one and you're talking from the heart and you've given somebody hope or you're getting hope, whichever direction it happens to be flowing. When my sponsor came to my house, I was an outpatient from a nut ward. I was in the Marine Corps. I was a fighter pilot but I had messed up after about 12 or 13 years of flying. My alcoholism got so bad that I was having withdrawal symptoms and losing vision and all these things in the plane. So I finally went to the doctor, and they agreed that I had a serious problem. They sent me off to find out what was wrong. This was in the early 60s, and there really wasn't in the Navy the disease of alcoholism. Nobody could be an alcoholic. You had to be something else. So these doctors looked at me for two weeks. I was down in Pensacola, and the only things they could see was that I lost a lot of weight. I shook a lot. I was covered with clammy sweat. My eyes were bloodshot. I was very confused, had high blood pressure, and I reeked of alcohol at all times. That was what they had to go on. And they couldn't find anything from that particular assortment, And so they left it up to the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist talked to me forever. And they finally concluded that what I had was a childhood fear of flying that had just showed up. And so I got this diagnosis and went back to Cherry Point, broken hearted because that was my total identity. Here I am. You know, that was who I was. and now this had been stripped away. And I waited about three months for headquarters Marine Corps to decide what they were going to do with me because I was a career officer and here was this guy who couldn't fly anymore and I'll be darned if I didn't get orders to be an air traffic controller. And I went off and made it through the school. Alcoholics are amazing. Here I am, I could barely function and somehow pulled myself together and got through that school which is not an easy school And my last year drinking, I was in charge of an air traffic control unit. You can see this makes no sense whatsoever, but those are the facts. And so I eventually had a grand mal seizure and ended up in this hospital in Bethesda. And they were trying to figure out what caused the grand mal seizures. We're dealing with the dark ages of medicine. And after I was there about, I guess, about six days, I went to the DTs. And the DTS and I was freaking out and the CIA was moving the walls in my room. They were trying to drive me crazy. They were giving me secret mental tests and I Was flunking them and it was real. And they said, oh, well, then we're going to have to put you in a dungeon. I was going, oh my God, this is awful. So I started screaming and running around the hallways. And so they captured me and put me in a straitjacket and locked me up for six months. I mean, this guy's crazy and he goes in the nut ward. And it was in that nut ward after about three or four months that Alcoholics Anonymous talked their way in and the head psychiatrist was reluctant because A.A. had been there a year earlier And he had decided that there were no more alcoholics left in the Navy and that we wouldn't need AA any longer and stopped it. But they had come back and convinced him there must be a few more alcoholic somewhere in the naval service. So they came in, and that's how I got to AA. The corpsman came into the nut ward, said all drunks fall in, right face. And three of us went down. There was only three of US and about 35 other guys sort of mixed illnesses, schizophrenic, manic-depressive, just crazy people and three drunks. And the rest of them didn't like us because they didn't think we had a legitimate illness and there was sort of this snobbery between the alcoholics and the people with real mental illnesses. So on this particular night, there was just the three of us went down and I remember going down, We all had our little blue bathrobes on. And I sat there and listened to these speakers, and they were all excited about AA. And I remember going, man, this is a great outfit. So I went up and asked the guy for his phone number in case I ever ran into a guy with a drinking problem. You know what I mean? It wasn't for me. And that was when I first got that first touch of AA truth because the guy just started poking me in the chest, which I was to find happened a lot when you're new. and he's just poking me going, let me ask you something, pal. Which one of us is going to go get in his car and go on home to his family like a regular person and which one of US is going to go up in the elevator and get locked up like an animal? And I remember going, I just met this guy. You know, that's stuff you do after you know each other for a while. You don't just boom. so I had a little resentment over that but I went back and I didn't think much about AA I just thought that was interesting and we had to go every Tuesday so I would go down and make believe I was interested I was just waiting to get out of there they told me if I ever drank again my career was over and so I said oh yeah I probably won't be drinking and I finally was an outpatient this is where I get to meet my sponsors Now I can go home on weekends and nights, but I've got to go back to the nut ward Monday through Friday from 8 in the morning until 5 at night. And they're getting ready to discharge me and they're trying to come up with what are we going to do with this guy? You know, now he can't fly, now He's coming out of a nut ward. So I didn't know what assignment I was going to get. So I'm back home and I remember it was Sunday, the Redskins were playing and I had a real ironclad rule that you're watching a Redskins game in my house, you've got to be drinking beer. I mean, it was ironclad, this rule. And I said, man, I don't want to sit here with the set off. You know? I want to watch the game, but I've got this rule that I'm going to have a beer just so I can watch the Redskings game. I mean that was what I recall going through my head. And I remember getting the beer and I watched the game and I only had that one beer and here's what was astounding. You know what happened to me? Nothing. Nothing happened to me at all. I drank the beer, felt wonderful, didn't want a second one. I went to bed that night, slept like a baby, got up the next day, got in the car, drove up to the nut ward. All the way up, about an hour and twenty minute drive, I'm saying to myself, you are a former alcoholic. They told you the first drink will get you drunk. You just had a drink last night and proved them wrong. You didn't have nothing happen. I drank that drink. I've never felt better in my life. I loved, I loved the feeling of being free from alcohol. You know what I mean? It was like, I just couldn't believe it. All I could think about was I had one beer and nothing happened. I was so obsessed with that thought, I couldn't eat lunch. It was just too exciting. and when I got home that night I didn't talk to anybody but I remember going to bed and I stayed up all night just going I had a beer and nothing happened man I had beer and nothing I mean how exciting can you get about being free from alcohol at last and I thought about it the next day I don't think I ate and didn't sleep much the next night and the next I was just totally free from alcohol That's all I thought about, was being totally free from alcohol. And that freedom lasted all week long. I could barely stand the freedom anymore. So we had another redskin game coming up. I also had another rule that if you didn't want beer, you could also drink vodka. And I remember, you know, this sounds so silly, but I do remember, I mean, I really believed this in my heart. I went into the liquor store that Friday, and I said, I'm going to have a vodka during the game on Sunday. And it was just that I was so comfortable with the idea. I'm gonna have a vodka instead of the beer. I'll have the same freedom. I'll sleep like a baby. And I remember picking up a fifth, and then I put it down, and I says, I'm gunna get a quart. And I remembered saying to myself, this will probably be a year's supply. You know what I mean? I was going, I wonder how long this will last, drinking one ounce a week. I mean, this is astounding. Well, it was gone that Sunday. I mean... And I had to get another one to bring into the nut ward on Monday and paranoia was setting in. I saw them looking at me. Remember when it would set in, everybody was looking at you. And I knew they were going to catch me. My career was over. I'm in a lot of trouble. So the following weekend, I called Alcoholics Anonymous on the outside. You know what I mean? The inner group. And I said, I need help. I want to join AA. And my plan was I would join AA and then when they caught me back in the nut word, I'd blame it on AA. I said well I did what you told me. I joined AA and look I got all messed up. But I wasn't planning on my sponsor. That was the problem. Because the guy that responded to this phone call and came over to my house, it was a Sunday, it was Pearl Harbor Day, December 7th, 1964. And he came over my house. Actually, I called the intergroup back and told them I changed my mind, that I didn't need anybody to come. And they said he's on his way. Oh, all right. Well, I heard a knock on the door that sounded like it was going to take the hinges off of the door. and I went over and opened the door and no light came through the door frame because he was standing there and I was a pilot and he was an infantry marine explosive ordnance disposal was his specialty he said it was the best job in the world for an alcoholic because nobody is looking over your shoulder while you were working so so he just said, hi, my name is Bill. This is a 12-step call. I talk, you listen. Let me talk to your family. And I'm going, how about just leaving me some literature? You know, that was what I was thinking. He goes in, what kind of a father is he? I had six kids and they were all going terrible, rotten, worst father we ever had. We hate him. We can't stand him. He asked my wife, what type of a husband? I'm gonna divorce him. He's the worst man I've ever met in my life. So I'm going, well, you're not going to listen to them, are you? I mean, what about me? Forget it, forget it. We were going to a meeting, get in the car, and I'm gone. Well, don't we want to discuss it? No, we're going to our meeting. And the Manassas group was meeting. We went off cold December and I'M driving up there and we're meeting in this old odd fellow's hall with space heaters that blow right on your face and you had me sit right in the front row. I sat there for a year in curable row, and that space heater just went, it would blow right in me. And I'm only sober like five hours. If you remember, you don't feel good when you're sober five hours, and this was a group anniversary. They were having people celebrating. They had cakes. They had a big dinner afterwards with chicken and food. I just didn't even want to look at food. I mean, I dry heaved just looking at the stuff that was on the table. And then they had square dancing and they're playing fiddles. And this meeting went to like 1130. And now I've been sober like nine hours. And I just want to get rid of this guy. I want to give him a drink. I just, this is, you know, I felt awful. And we're driving back. He's talking about that. We'll be going to meet every night for 10 years and we'll be doing this. And I had no way of knowing that every meeting didn't last five hours. You know, it's like, oh, God. So I knew one thing, and I'll tell you, as screwed up as I was, I was right on in this one. I said, you know something, Sandy? If you don't get out of this outfit tonight, You may never get out. So on the way home, I was making up my story, my big exit speech. You know how you're rehearsing the big lie? And what I came up with was you certainly wouldn't have to go to a meeting when it's your wedding anniversary. So that was going to be the next night. And then it was goingto be my oldest son's birthday. then my daughter's birthday, then my birthday, then my other son. And I had like nine events that clearly you don't have to go to AA when it's your kid's birthday or your own or whatever. So I figured nine-day cushion, this guy is lost. So I would practice it on the way home. So by the time we got home, I'd been sober like 10 hours, maybe 9 1⁄2. And if you've had seizures and ETs and all that, your brain is a little off and I remember getting out of the car right around in front of the headlights so he knew I wanted to talk to him and he rolled his window down and I started this speech about how I won't be going to the meetings but it only was going from my brain and then it was stopping. I was saying it in my head but nothing was coming out and And he told me later I was making a clicking noise, that I was just going . And he just said, Well, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you better not take a drink and I'll be around here tomorrow. And he drove off. And just about then, the message got there to my mouth. And I was going, I won't be able to go to the meetings tomorrow night. So I'm talking out there to nobody. My family's looking out. Oh, man. And that was the last drink I ever had. We went to meetings and we went to meeting. And we went to meetings, and we went to meetings. And it was just remarkable. It was just remarkable the journey that took place as a result of that particular night with him. And he became such a central figure, just a powerful figure. It Was just wonderful. I'll tell you a couple stories about him. Actually, they're about him and I. I guess I'd been sober nine months, and we had a home group, Dumfries Triangle at the Marine Base at Quantico. It was in a Catholic church outside, and it was a speaker meeting, and we only had five people in the group. And most of the time we had to get speakers from up in Washington because there weren't any other groups way down there. So people had been sober over a year. They didn't want to drive an hour to talk to five people. The ego gets involved, so it was hard to get people. But we had this, and it was two speakers, and we had cake and coffee and all that. And there were five members of the group, but one, the jockey, Dave, was drunk every other week. He'd be drunk one week and sober the other week and Bill and I were like the mainstay of the groupe. So he calls me Sunday afternoon. He said, I'm picking up early tonight. We're having a business meeting, like you're having the groupe thing next week. And I said, oh, what's that? And he said, you'll see. So we come over to the church. There's just the two of us, a business meeting. And we had a big podium that contained everything. It was a self-contained meeting. It had doors on the back with a padlock. The coffee pots were in there, the signs, the slogans, sugar. There was enough sugar in there for 15 years. It was just stacked up in there. Literature, the basket to pass around. It was a self-contained meeting inside the podium. So he drags the podium out. We get some of the chairs set up. I'm there and he's at the podium and calls the meeting to order. It's a custom of this group to rotate the service positions of the group. And I've been the program chairman, secretary, treasurer, grapevine person, intergroup representative for the past 18 months. and we need a new program chairman, secretary, treasurer, coffee maker, grapevine person. Do I see any volunteers? Now, I'm the coffee maker of the program chairman and actually part of me enjoyed it because, geez, they gave me the key to the church, They trusted me with the money, with the combination lock on the podium. I liked all of it except getting the speakers. Because if you ask someone and they say no, you might experience rejection. And you know how delicate we are. We certainly don't want to experience that. So he had arranged for like three weeks. So I had four weeks to get somebody to speak. And I would almost ask people all over the place. I'd be going, Frank, forget it, Frank. Forget it. I just couldn't get up the nerve. You know what I mean? I was just like crazy. I mean, now it wouldn't bother me at all. But it was really funny how that bothered me. So two weeks go by. I haven't gotten anybody. He says, you got your speaker? Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Bill. I got him. Don't Worry. Don't Worry. Well, it's getting down to the wire. It's like Wednesday, and the meeting's on Sunday, and I'm just going, what am I going to do? And I'm at a meeting, and there was this guy. He was an Army major from Fort Belvoir. He was the club officer. And he looked in a happy mood, so I said to him, Jack, want to talk at our meeting? And they were close. It wasn't that long a drive. Yeah! Great. So I had one, and then I was going to play what is called the phantom speaker routine for the second one. And that is, I don't know where my second speaker is. we'll have to get somebody out of the audience you've seen that so I really only had one so anyway my sponsor had gone to nearby groups and said this is Sandy's debut let's have a big crowd so for us we had 20 people which was a huge number of people they were from Manassas up from Fredericksburg so I got up and I read the preamble and I did everything right I think he passed the basket at the beginning and the jockey was there, drunk. He's sitting in the front but I was used to that and he would go out and he had a bottle in the bushes out there and he'd come back in and sit and then he'd go out and then come back again. So I finally got all the preliminaries and I said, I'd like to introduce our first speaker tonight, Jack. Oh, Jack, Jack and a nice round of applause and Jack gets up there. Now this is the truth. Hi everybody, my name's Jack. I'm an alcoholic hi Jack I'm here tonight to resign from Alcoholics Anonymous and I go what what turns out he hadn't been sober for the last three months and he's up there and he is talking about well when I came to AA about a year ago So whenever I drank, I got in trouble. As a result of these steps, I now drink safely. And I'm going, and I'm like, oh my God! Oh my God!! I knew that the General Service police were going to be down and arrest me for ruining AA. And he just went on and on about how happy he was now to be able to drink all the time and he loved life and he wanted to thank A.A. He wouldn't be back, but he would always have a soft spot in his heart for A.I. And I'm just going... And I just didn't know... You know, I was just sitting there and I wouldn't look at my sponsor. I would not look. I was not going to get eye contact with that guy. I was like... I'm not even at the meeting, you know. This is a nightmare. here. I'm going to wake up any second. So I knew that something had to happen to have this guy stop. And guess who rescued me? Dave, the jockey. He's going back and forth and he's starting to listen to this guy. And all of a sudden he jumps up and he goes, you're full of crap. I drank a fifth and I get all screwed up. Let me see you drink. Come on outside with me. And two of them went out and I would not move. I sat in my chair and wouldn't move. My sponsor got up and he said, I want to invite everybody to come back next and see what Sandy has in store for us that day. And then, you know, I mean, the older members, they loved it. I mean this didn't ruin AA, but I thought it was the end of the world. So we had some wonderful times in those early years in AA And then we both were under the gun as far as getting promoted to major. We both made captain, but in order to have a career, you've got to get promoted to major. So the first year, we both got passed over. We don't get promoted for major. You get one more try. Second year, he makes it. I don't. So I'm out. So now I've got this career and it's gone. I've had my six kids. How am I going to feed them? and so I copped a big resentment to God. Hey, God, thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. This is me when I'm by myself. Really want to thank you. I went to a meeting every night for two years. Did everything I was told and now there's eight of us that are going to starve to death thanks to your grace. I don't know if any of you ever prayed like that But it seemed to me that this was unfair. Do you ever have anything that's unfair? And it was under those conditions, you know what I mean? I just couldn't shake that resentment. I went to a meeting every night and they got rid of me. I mean, what is that? The career is over. I'm out and I can't get a job and I'm selling socks. I don't know what else. I don' t know what the hell I was doing. It was awful. And so I'm at a discussion meeting, one of these meetings that I can' t stand where the leader goes, has anybody got a topic? Never go to a meeting like that. And so I never raised my hand, but I did that. And they said, yes. Well, what would you like? Getting thrown out of the Marine Corps. That's the topic I would like. Well, we don't think that's really a good topic. Well, that's what I want to talk about. I just got thrown out. I've been going to a meet-up every bad day, you know, the real resentment. So the leader goes, okay, okay. Topic, getting thrown out of the Marines. First guy over here, If you're thrown out of the Marine Corps, say the serenity prayer. It's perfect for getting thrown out of the Marines Corps. Next person says, you're getting thrown out of Marine Corps. Double up on your meetings. You've got a lot of time on your hands to double up on your meeting. Now this is not the stuff that I'm looking for, right? I'm not looking for useless suggestions like that. I'm I'm looking for like a real AA guy that goes, you're getting thrown out of the Marine Corps? Does that mean you're available? I happen to be the president of a large corporation. I need a guy like you. How about $65,000 a year with a car? That's what I thought. That would be some spiritual help. I'm getting a serenity prayer and double up on your meetings. The next guy says, work with new people. Stop thinking about yourself. Oh, thank you, sir. And the last guy says, prayer of St. Francis. St. Francisco. He just was a Marine. Oh, really? I didn't know that. And maybe you've had this feeling if you've brought topics up at meetings. When I got home that night, I said, I don't think I explained myself very well at all based on the feedback that I got. What was I getting? I was getting the answer. There it was, this solution. It's so powerful. It's right there, but it didn't sound like it would apply. And very briefly, I only raised my hand two other times. One was about six years later when a divorce was taking place. Some other guy is moving in my house. I'm out. I'm going, what is going on? I'm doing a media message. Anybody got a topic? Yeah, I got a topical. I'm out of my own house. The other guy's moving in. You've got a lot of time on your hands. Work with new people. Stop thinking about yourself. Say the prayers of St. Francis. St. Frances was divorced many times. Many, many times, you know. and the next time I have almost 15 years and I'm going, the real estate market crashed. I'm still in real estate. We can't get mortgages in the 70s and bankruptcy is coming. You can't be going through bankruptcy with all this sobriety. Anybody got a topic? Yeah. And you know the ending. It was like, oh, bankruptcy. Hey, serenity prayer. That's what you do if you have bankruptcy. double up on your meeting double up on your meetings as a matter of fact go to the eating meeting where there's food we'll give you a list you know where they got cake and donuts and that work with new people stop thinking about yourself prayer of St. Francis he took a vow of poverty you know what I mean it was that so what's happening what's my point my point is no matter what the problem is the answer's the same that's what that's why that's where AA is no matter what the problem is, the answer's the same. You see it all the way through our book. The answer is more spiritual growth. That's it? Well, it got even worse in your life? Well then, you're going to have to grow even more. I don't want to hear that. One answer, one answer for all problems. Does that sound improbable? What were we doing before we got here? I had one answer for all the problems. It was called drinking. I never remember having a problem where I said, well, I won't be drinking over this. I mean, did any of you do that? I mean what was step one in solving a problem? Go get a drink. You know what I mean? Like you come here, you get some of this registered thing and it's a summons or something and you've never had one before. What the hell do you do? It's signed by a judge. This looks serious. What do you doing when you get one of these? I don't know but I will shortly. out to the kitchen. One, two, whatever it was and then suddenly we intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. Summon, tear it up. What's next? You remember it was so we had the power of alcohol to solve problems. That's what it was for. It was my answer to everything. It was My Answer to Everything. It wasn't my problem, it was my answer. I came in here, you took away my answer and you left me alone. You left me with all of my problems and nothing to give me any break. That's why just not drinking doesn't solve anything. When you don't drink, you're sober all the time. No break, no break. You don't get a break ever, ever, never. You're sober, sober, sore, sober. How long can we take it? I mean, if sobriety is the problem, how long can you take that? So it seemed inconceivable that I could just not drink. Well, you can't. You have to not drink in order to stay alive so that the miracle can happen. And the miracle is a spiritual path causing a transformation in the way that I see the world until I see the world as it really is and it's marvelous. And I see myself as I really am and it' s marvelous. For those of you that are new, that's the beauty of Alcoholics Anonymous. You are the gift that you are given in AA. your job is done rapid that's all you do in these steps we get rid of all the stuff that isn't real about you old ideas avail us nothing character defects we just try to get rid them because that's not who we are I used to think I am my character defects that's what I thought that's who I am that isn't who any of us are and it is in stripping away old ideas and character defects all old perceptions that we eventually get left with what we really are we don't have to become anything we already are this wonderful spiritual creation we just have to establish contact with this that's what the steps do they finally open the channel as saint francis was talking about. Make me a channel. So this channel opens up and there isn't anything out there that needs to come in. I used to think I needed so much, and I had it backwards. I needed to open up so that I could give so much. That's what was missing. I had so much to give. I didn't know I had anything to give. All of us have this. It's inside of us. There was a sculptress who did the beautiful flowing gown on this beautiful lady out of marble, and they asked her how she did it. And she said, I just come up to a block of marble and get rid of everything that isn't that beautiful statue. And that's what each one of you, if you're new, looks like. It says block of marbles sitting there. It doesn't look like much. But that isn'T who you are. This gets taken away, and then we get to see the beauty that's inherent in every one of us. This is the beauty of sobriety, is to allow outside help to supersede our own better judgment so that we end up taking actions that we don't believe in on the faith that we have seen it in other people. And we take these actions, and then these results start coming in. And we start looking around and seeing the world in a different way. The best example I can think of what this is, so that if you're new, you really may be able to buy into this. Maybe you've been sober two months, and you're at a meeting, a discussion meeting that you go to and a new guy comes in just looks just like you did two months earlier he is shaken in his boots he's sweating he's looking around and you and you just could connect I mean just go man do I know that feeling I just barely got over it and he's over by the coffee pot he's trying to get a cup of coffee and his hands are shaking and it's boom it's flying up here and finally he puts the cup down decides not to have coffee that night and you can feel for him because it embarrassed him, and he goes over and he's sitting down at the table and he doesn't say anything. His sponsor makes him tell his name. I'm Joe. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome, Joe. Welcome, Jo. And you're looking at him, and you just kind of have some feelings about this person. You never saw him before. And after the meeting, you almost go over and say hello to him. Something inside of you wants to go say hello, but you're still so new that you don't do it because you let your fear get in the way. and you miss the opportunity and you kind of are upset a little bit. But during the week, in spite of all your troubles, you think about this guy once in a while. And as the meeting night approaches next week, you're secretly hoping he's going to be there. And when you get there, he's not there. And you go, damn, I was hoping he'd make it. I wish I had said hello to him. And the meeting's about 10 minutes along and the door opens. In he comes. He's sober. He gets over to the coffee pot and he gets actually a half a cup and he gives it all the way over to the table and sits down and deep inside of you, you go, Yay! What is that? Who's going yay? What's that all about? That's you. That's who you really are. That's what you are all about. You are very interested in the well-being of other people. You just need the opportunity to bust out of all these old selfish ideas so that the real you can spend the rest of your life having the energy flow in that direction instead of demanding that it come this way. For it is in this giving that we are given the entire kingdom. And we can see it here in the room tonight. It's been a pleasure for me to share with you all. And if you're new, God bless you and the best of luck to you. Thank you. Thanks for watching!