The Resentment He Carried From the Trenches of Korea – Paul M.

I'm Paul, an alcoholic, and I would like to play a tape to start out that was given to me by the Red Pony Band. My best friend is singing this song. You hear it? Good spirit, whose voice I hear in the wind and whose breath gives love. Hear me. I come to you as one of your many, many children. I am small and weak. I need your strength and wisdom. May I walk in beauty? I'm only human. I'm just a person. Lord, help me believe in what I can be Oh, that I am Show me the stairway I have to climb Lord, for my sake Teach me to take one day at a time One day at the time Sweet Jesus That's all I'm asking from you Just give me the strength to do every day what I have to do Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus And tomorrow may never be mine Help me today, show me the way one day at a time Do you remember when you walked among men? Well, Jesus, you know You're looking below It's worse now than then Pushing and shoving Crowding my mind So for my sake Teach me to take one day at a time One day at the time Sweet Jesus That's all I'm asking from you Wee-hey-ah-oh, show me the day, show me the way, what I have to do. Wee hey-ah oh, yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine. Wee hay-ah o, help me today, show me the wave one day at a time. Help me today. Show me the weight one day Good morning. My name is Paul, and I'm still an alcoholic. and if you think I'm scared you're right I woke up late this morning, I had a friend spend the night with me and my son come and said dad it's 10 o'clock but then I started hurrying and I said well I don't have to worry about it because we're on Indian time I travel all over and give my talks but usually we're right on time but being around Native Americans we have no time. I go to my Native American church and our church starts at 11 and we usually get going about 10 to 12 so you're never late for an Indian function I go back 75 years, I just celebrated my 75th birthday July 17 at All Nations Indian Church and being an elder in our church we're very highly honored and on the 17th of July our church was back celebrating my 75th birthday and we had a dinner well, we don't call them dinners we had a feast of celebration of a man's 75th birthday. If I make January 10th this year, I'll have 30 years sobriety. That's if I make it. But if I continue doing what I'm doing here today in the last four days, I especially want to thank Tina for giving me a call and when I got a call from California and I said oh my god what did I do are they looking for me again today and stuff like that but I had a little visit with her and she gave me some people in Minneapolis to get in contact my buddy Phil, Pat and a lot of people I go to the American Indian Center Native AA and I went there Tuesday night and it's one of the greatest honors that we can have. And I told our group, I call it my group, it's our group. A lot of people. I see 60, 75 Native Americans straight and sober from about 14 up to my age. And it's beautiful. And I tell our group before I left that night that I will not let you down. If I let anybody down in this room, it would be myself. It's hard for me. You know, we talk about honesty and you know, this is the seventh day of the week, a time of worship. We go to church. I go to my church and I see all the whole and mighty people raising their hand and praise the Lord and God, and we've got the whole world in our hands. And I come to AA meetings, and I have people screaming and hollering how AA works. I mean, just up in the air about AA. But on that first day of this week, Monday, is the time that we really start working, being a Christian and work in our AA program. You know, it's easy for me to get up here and say, hey, I got the whole world in my hands. I got peace of mind. I got serenity. It's easy für mich zu sagen hier heute. But tonight, when I leave here and wake up tomorrow morning, I got to start a new day and a new way, what's in store for me that week. You know, we talk about honesty in our 12 Steps of AA. I'm a car salesman. And, you know, sometimes the honesty is kind of rigid in selling cars. But it's not the AA program. You know, I laugh in the morning. I get up and open the gate and open up the office and turn on my TV and get my coffee made and sit down and relax. And I say to my God, the Great Fathers understand. Well, God, Great Father, I'll see you tonight at 6 o'clock when I close the doors because the honesty is going to be a little difficult today. And, you know, stuff like that. But I am 100% honest in my fall in the AA program, my relatives. I got my young son here today which I gave up for alcohol years ago, Kevin. Kevin's been sober about 17, 18 years. I remember the last time Kevin was in jail, and I went to see him. And he said, you know, I don't need you anymore. You never was there when I needed you. You were never my dad, and I really don't Need You. And I just told Kevin, you gotta do what you gotta do. Kevin's been sober since that day. he's a very good stuff like that I was born and raised in a little town in northern Minnesota before they really had doctors and when I was born a white woman delivered me and when I was born and found out that I was Indian and Catholic it was the two worst knocks ever got my life Being Catholic, my mom and dad, my grandfather, the bishop, and everybody said, Paul, you're going to go to hell. You know, every little town, our town was a population of maybe 600, 700. And every town has got an eight ball. And I was that eight ball, I was in trouble all the time. And they told me I was going to hell to hell And being Indian, and I watched my Native American uncles that were drunks. They didn't call them alcoholics in those days. And all I heard every time there goes that damn drunken Indian. You know, I was born and raised, and my dad was a French-Canadian. So I'm half French and half Chippewa Indian. And you always hear this saying about, there goes them damn drunken Indians. You know, as I was walking the street, the drunken Indian in my French, and I'd always hear, there go's the damn dranken Indian. But they never said anything about that other half that I had in me about the French, the white part. All they said, there goings that drunken India. They didn't care who, if I had that pressure with me. And you people laugh at me, but I've had a lot of heartaches being a Native American. Traveled all over the world and it was tough. And I loved to kick white boys' butts. It was fun. And in those days I was young, 17, 18, 19, 20, and boy, I was a good fighter. You know, get a couple of drinks in me, boy, I could whip the whole world. And nobody could hurt me. And I loved it. You know every time I whipped a white man's butt, it made me more powerful. I traveled many years in that life. My dad and mom were very devoted Native American Chippewa Ojibwe Indians. They'd pray every night in Ojibway language, and they did their ceremonies and stuff like that. I lived in the most beautiful home that I've ever seen in my life. You know, a lot of us, we got houses, but we gotta look at it. It's the home that I'm living in. I lived 17 years in this home with my mom and dad. Beautiful people, people that gave. And I remember on the 17th birthday, my twin brother and I were on our way out of a little town in northern Minnesota. Never been in the city, never been in Minneapolis. But we always had mom and dad and the happiness and church and everything. And I remember that morning my twin brother and I were leaving and my daddy sat us down. And in those days you see a big man did not cry. A man didnot cry in my days. My daddy satus down he had an old chair and he sat down. Daddy had tears in his eyes. He said, now boys, I'm going to tell you one thing. We've had a beautiful home. We've got love. We've have God in our home all the time. He said but these two guys are going out in the world today. It's not going to be home anymore. You're going to run into a lot of difficulties in your life. A lot of pain and a lot loneliness, he said. It ain't going to beat the happiness that you have with mom and dad. But the last thing I'm going to say to you two boys today, treat people the way you want to be treated. To this day, I remember what my daddy said. But I went on alcoholism and I traveled all over the country. When I came home from Korea, October 18, 1952, my twin brother were in the service for four years. And October 18, 1952, we were out one night and the fighting was getting bad. And there was five of us in a trench. We were laning Constantino wire. And all of a sudden we heard a big whistle and a mortar hit right in the middle of all of us. They evacuated us that night. My twin brother and I got both hit from the same mortar. and they evacuated us to Pusan, Korea and they operated us and the next day they flew us to Japan. That's when I started building a resentment for the government and the white people. Why? But you know, being a Native American is one of the greatest honors you can have to serve your country. Be a whatever you call it. I heard it said so many times I forget, I'm old and it's being a warrior like my friend back there when I heard him talking yesterday you know I heard all these speakers this past week and I said oh, I can't do it I can' t do it I better jump on my pony and go home because there ain't no way I can compete with these people that were talking. And I laid in my room, and last night I had a friend from this group that's a dancer, and him and I shared a room. He stayed with me last night, and he woke me up this morning to get ready to be here today. And him and I were talking, and he said, Paul, don't worry about nothing. All you've got to do is speak from your heart. And I heard the young man yesterday, when he put his hand to his heart, and he says, I speak to you people through my heart. And I ain't never going to forget that. Because if we can't speak through our heart, it's not. You know, if people 30 years ago would have told me, Paul, you're going to be sober. You're goingto be happy. You're gonna be a Christian. I'd have told them to get lost. I'm sober, straight, happy today and working in the Christian life. It's not easy. But to me, when I first joined our church with the minister and I had a couple of Salvation Army people who were really into Christianity and I wanted to be like these people. But I sat with this one woman and she said, Paul, you've got to give everything up. And I went home that night and I laid down. You know, even at 75 you've Got a Stinky Mind once in a while. You know, I'm laying in that bed and I'm thinking. I said, God, darn. When I see a woman walking down the street, I still get goofy thinking. You know? And, you know, I spoke, I do this, and I said I do this and I do that. I do everything that a Christian tells me not to do. And I said to God, Damn, I'm the worst sinner in the world. And I knew it. I knew I was a sinner. And, you know, I was going to work one day and I seen this nice woman and I turned my head but I turned it back right away. You know how insane we are that, you know, that we want to be perfect. There ain't a perfect person in this room, me included, especially me. You know, you talk about being a Christian. This is a little joke. I had two Indian buddies, two old Indian guys. They were 100% Christian Indians, Native Americans. They'd get up every morning. These guys, they played baseball seven days a week. And they'd getup every morning and they'd sit down and purified her house with the sage and sit down and eat breakfast. And they'd go out and play baseball. And on the way to the baseball park, they'd buy a half a gallon of wine. They were drunk all the time. So they played baseball seven days a week and coming home, purifying their house and talked to the Lord Jesus Christ and everything. They really knew that they had a good way to go to heaven. So they were coming home one evening, and the old Indian looked at the other one, and he said, I wonder if they've got baseball in heaven. And the old guy said, God, I don't know. He said, well, let's make a deal. If one of us dies and goes to heaven, we'll let the other man know what's going on. So they went on, and they came home, and purified their house. So one day they were going playing baseball, and his buddy keeled over and died. and he left the spirit. He left the world. Went on three or four months, and he never heard from his old Indian buddy in heaven. He said, I wonder really what happened to him. Now he ain't playing baseball anymore. So one morning he woke up and he heard, Hey! Hey! That was his old Indian buddy in Heaven. And he said, where you at? he said, I'm in heaven. He said, they play baseball? He said yeah, seven days a week. He said I got good news for you and I got bad news. The good news that plays seven days a weak and the bad news you're pitching next Tuesday. I really laughed when I heard this song You're pitching next Tuesday. Another one, I'm going to tell this one. This one is about our time with Buddy this morning. I like to joke. I like that. I like it to have fun. You know, 75 and boy, I wasn't ready to do anything. And God was walking down the street one day and my buddy Chuck and them, they know what it is. He came up to this park bench and this old German guy was sitting there and he was crying and crying and God came up and he said, What's the matter, my son? He said, I'm German and I cannot see. And God said, Son, you will see. And the old German got up and could see the whole world. he went down a little bit farther and another old guy was sitting on the bench and he was crying and crying God came up to him and he said what's the matter my son he said I'm Norwegian and I cannot hear and God said you will hear my son, the guy got up he goes down a Little Bit Farther and this old Indian wino was sitting in the bench and he is crying and crying The water was just running down his shirt. He was crying so hard. And God said, what's the matter, my son? He said, I'm an Indian and I'm a alcoholic. God sat down and cried with him. You know, I laugh. But, buddy, I don't know where he's at. He's out there someplace. He said, boy, you can't tell that joke. I'm an old Indian trying to have fun. But, you know, I better get serious here. As far as being humble, I've never been honored so much in my life in the past four days. Never been honored so much. And it started my call from my friend Tina, Pat, my group that I go to once in a while at American Indian Center. It started that Monday when Tina called me. It started from my Native American brothers and sisters in AA that they put their trust into me to come in here and share with you people what's going on in my life today. And I'll never forget, you know, the last four days, you get 75 and you start planning things. You know, what's gonna happen to you when you're gone, your kids and stuff like that. You know I was laying in that bed every night and I'd lay down and I would say, God. I'd walk out of the room and I'd come and they'd say, Paul, you know one of the greatest honors that I've ever had in my life was fight for my country when I was a young man at 17 years old. It was the greatest honor when I got that purple heart to share it with my twin brother and my family back home. And when I Got Wounded, I blamed everybody and stuff like that. And I think I went there for a reason because so we can all be free in this room. And being the Native American man, whoever you are or whatever you are I think it's one of the greatest honors in the world to serve your country. That's the way I feel today. Another great honor I got here was last night. Guy asked me to share walking in, carrying American, I mean the flags and being part of it as a veteran that I was one time in my life that warrior that felt for what I thought was right for our country. Walking in that room last night I felt like I was 17 again. I had my army uniform on And I seen a lot of people looking at me, and I felt paranoid right away. And, you know, I'd look at people that looked at me. What the hell is that old man doing with a uniform on? And my mind was thinking, they would say, who in the hell does he think he is? Did he come here to impress us? And you know how we think negative. but everybody that came to it said and you know the old timers in here my buddy that was up here just a while ago and I was walking out in the hall this is really neat I was a queen for four days you're not a queen or whatever but you know But, you know, I was working the hall and I came up and there was an old guy. He looked like a white man to me. And he's got a, hello, Sarge. Oh, boy, I'm the chief of the hill tonight. And I did it. and when I asked my friend to share the room with me last night, him and I shared things this morning that I could share my soul, my heart with another human being. You know 43 years ago I gave up three kids for the alcohol. Alcohol was the most important thing in my life than these kids. I hadn't seen these kids in 43 years. They hated me with a passion because their dad had gave them up for his choosing that alcohol to drink of his choice. About three or four years ago I went to a reunion and my oldest son Paul was there, and I didn't even know who he was when he come up to me and he said, I'm your son. And I spent that day, it was really cool, and it was hard for me to say, hey, it wasn't my fault. I couldn't say nothing. And when I left that reunion, he said dad, you know, I want to get to know you. And that was kind of nice after not seeing my son for 33 years and my other daughter and my son but anyway you talk about how God or the great father works in our 12 steps of AA my son a year ago March came here to University Minnesota because was it his kidney his kidneys and everything were gone liver whatever it was and I got By the way, you guys are 75. The world ain't over for you. I'm 75 and my brother, my son Kevin's got a little brother 12 years old. You know, he was supposed to be here this morning. You know about two years ago, I can't think of my buddy back there, he played with the Red Road with glasses. And I can not think of his name. What is your name? Yeah, okay. I was asked to speak at a big convention Wild Rice Roundup in northern Minnesota and I went there my daughter had bought me a damn fancy sport coat and all that bullshit you know I'm just an old Indian guy and like today boy, I mean I heard some speakers a doctor, attorney Indian doctor an Indian attorney I mean these guys they were fantastic and I said there ain't no way in hell I can even compete with either one of these guys so that Sunday morning I got ready I went downstairs I was scared to death And I looked in the auditorium, and the auditorum was packed. And I said, oh my God, I can't do it. My little guy and his mom and my brothers were there. And it was packed! And I says, no, I cant do it, I'm leaving. I walked out of that auditorium and I run into my friend from the Red Rose Band. He met me at the door and he said, Paul, how are you doing? I said, I can't do it. He said, Paul, you can do anything you want to do. You go in there and speak from your heart, not from the top of your head. You speak from Your heart and you will have no trouble. I walked in there and they had tables with all the, I call them big shots. And in the front row, Kevin, my other brothers and my little guy, He was 11 years old at the time. My little guy was sitting in the front row. His name is Peanuts. And I get up there, and my brother's host of the committee and everything, and he introduced me. When I looked out that crowd, I just got dizzy and everything. I looked down below, and I seen my sons and my brothers and stuff like that. And my little guy was sitting with my brother. And when I looked at peanuts, he did like this. That's all I needed that morning. My little guy, he didn't say it, but he did like that. He said, Dad, I know you can do it. I went through that deal with a breeze. It was fun because I talked about myself. I left her after about three weeks. They were getting ready for their annual convention coming up that fall and winter again, and my brother called me, and he said we had our committee the other night, and they said one of the best speakers we had at our convention was a gray-headed old Indian man, and that made me feel great. I'm not a very... I always thought in my life I was the most stupid guy in the world. I feared everything, feared everything and it was tough because I wanted to be like a white boy. I wanted to do something that I couldn't be. I I wanted to be intelligent. I wanted to be important in jobs and I never was besides labor or stuff like that. Today I do what I want to do. What makes me happy. And go back to my son. My son, they brought him here to the University of Minnesota a year ago March. And they put whatever they had they put it in him and three or four days later he was feeling good but you had put the wrong liver in him wasn't it wrong kidneys they put the long ones in him and it messed up so they happened to find another donator and they put the other ones in there and he was really doing good for a couple weeks me and Peanuts we went up there every other night and visit Paul and he said, Dad you know we miss so much in our life he said I want to be part of you he said I got a hobby for him, Dad and I want you and Aaron and Peanuts to come and spend it with me when I get out of the hospital and he called the priest and I think sometimes we probably know when our time is coming for us I believe that strongly and he called the priest in and he told the priest he said you know I was born a Christian and I got away from being a Christian in my life and I want to become a Christian today I'm going to start being a Christian and the priest said you can be whatever you want to be he said all the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life in 48 years of my life I got my dad back I got my dad back it took me 43 years to make amends to somebody that was very important in my life something that you people in this room taught me that my son died, we, Aaron and I I went up to visit Paul on Sunday night. Monday morning, my daughter woke me up and she said, Dad, Paul left us last night. Paul died in his sleep. My little guy had given Paul a garden angel. I carried a garden angle. I gave him all the way that I got now. But I carry a garden handle with me wherever I go. if I see somebody hurting somebody lonely or somebody that needs something, I give them a garden angel because I believe every man and woman in this room today is God a garden angel. This is my belief. I don't know what you believe but I believe all of us got somebody looking for us. And like this prayer where were you God when I needed you? And what did God said? Son that's when I carried you and that's been true with my life and everything when Paul died he had a big huge funeral Kevin was there my daughter and my other son which still kind of resented me hated me for what I was were sitting in the back in the front row and the priest gave up a eulogy and his sister and brother got up and talked my brother was sitting by me and he said Paul It's time that you make peace with your kids I walked to that podium and I was shaking so bad I was crying I got behind the podium and I looked at my young son and his sister Sitting in the front row And I could still feel that little resentment Coming from them Where in the hell were you When we needed you And I got behind the podium and I looked at all these people, and I looked at my son and my daughter and I said don't hate me for what I used to be but love me for who I am today. After that service was over my little guy and and I went to visit Paul for the last time in his casket. Paul looked so peaceful. He was peace of mind. And he had a garden angel in his hand, and Penis told me, Dad, he said, do you think the garden angel come and got Paul? I said, yeah. I said, the garden angel's on his way to heaven with Paul now. And he said, Dad, if I'm a good guy and if I're a good man, if I love a good God like Paul, will the garden angels come and get me someday? And I said yeah. He said, but Dad, I don't understand things. Why did God take Paul away from me when I was just starting to love him? Why, Dad? I said I don' t know. I'm a believer for everybody in this room today. Timmy, you've got to tell me when I'm getting ready. And I'ma believer in this room today, every man, woman, kid, and everywhere we're in here for a purpose, as being a Native American share our life. We set ourselves aside. We set ourself aside. The white people didn't do make me an alcoholic. They didn't make me to hate like I did. They didn't made me do these things. I choose to be that way. I choose to have a little hatred for the white people. But after the years of being straight and sober, and being happy and get involved in my Native American church and stuff like that, I choose to love every man and woman wherever I get today. I've never been so honored in my life. The first time I was honored was when I served my country 50-some years ago. And being honored to be, when Tina called me to speak at our convention, and being honored last night to walk in there with my American uniform which I cherish 100% and be part of a group that be part of them warriors that we can walk in our flags whatever we're doing and hold our head high nobody put us down we put ourselves where we're at we're not like that anymore you know we're all together and I go to my Native American church you know, you get 75 and getting up in the 80s and stuff like that you plan I already got my thea planned on my last day because I don't want everybody getting all confused but my last name nobody wants to die I know oh yeah my old buddy said Paul he said And, you know, Native Americans believe in the birds and all of them. And he come to my room. I was sick of the dog and the V8. He said, Paul, he said, don't worry, he sad. If you die, that white horse is coming down after you. He said. You better hope it ain't a black horse. I said, yeah, sure. But my last day. I'm going to be laying in my Native American church with my Native American brothers and sisters. I'm going to have my American flag over my casket. I'm gonna have my army uniform hanging on my casquet, which my little guy that I got today is gonna keep my uniform and he wants it. And I don't want anybody crying, but you know people usually cry. And I didn't want anyone crying on my last day on this earth. I want you people and my brothers and sisters And my kids and my relatives today Come up and look at me And say Paul ain't what he used to be Paul did everything in his last few years of his life To be a human being Dad gave because he loved people And don't worry about me because there are things better than what I got today. That if I completely do what I do in this room today and wherever I travel, and I believe every one of us in thisroom, we're here for a purpose, to share love, care for one another. I believe this 100%. And I believe that when God or the Great Father or whoever you got as a higher power. I believe when you get your purpose done in this earth, what God wants you to do, I'm not a preacher, but what God want's me to do He's going to call me home in that internal kingdom of heaven. I'm going to be closing with this last thing. On my last day, you know, when I'm gone I'm gonna be traveling the path. It's a lot different path And I believe this, being an Indian man, because my daddy taught me to. When I die, I'm going to start a journey just like I did in my life that I was on this earth. The journey that I traveled on this Earth wasn't the best one. But as I got involved in AA and you people, it got better and better. And when I die... I'm gonna start a Journey. I'm going to start a journey through the hills, the waters, and the winds, and the birds, and everything which God gave us to make us happy. I'm gonna stop every day and I'm gonna look behind. I'll look over my shoulder and what did I do yesterday? And I'm an undo that thing and I take another path through the winds the birds and the waters. And eventually, if I do everything that my God, my Creator and the Great Father wants me to be I'll enter that Kingdom of Heaven. Thank you.