The Rehab Name Was Skeletor 🤣 – Gina C.

If I don't look up, you won't look so scary, so I'm just going to look down the whole time. Just kidding. I'm Gina, and I'm an alcoholic. Where do I start? So I want to thank Bob and Derek. I don't know where you guys are, but thank you for all the communication and the helpful emails and this amazing conference. I want to thank my road dogs, my sponsor, Katya, and my brother, Nick. And I'm just not going to look at you because you're going to make me cry. My brother got sober almost eight months ago. And, you know, it's something I've been praying for for 10 years. And so it's really special to get to share this with him. And I'm so humbled to be standing up here. You know, every single speaker I have gotten something incredible from. Every single speaker. And I'm really humbled to be able to do this. I did this talk on 6 and 7 a couple years ago at the International Women's Conference in Palm Springs. And every time I would go to prepare for it, I couldn't. You know, I would have to walk my dogs. I'd have to do homework. I'd have to clean the house. I hate cleaning my house. You know, because I've never really prepared for a talk. Like when someone asks me to speak, I just stand up. And I have my experience, strength, and hope. I've worked the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe I've had a spiritual experience. And, you know, to practice feels really forced. And so I stood up. I thought there was going to be like five people at this conference. And there was like 200. And there's like 700. And there's like 200. And there's like 200. And there's like 200. And there's like 200 of you guys. And I went into like a spiritual blackout. And God just did everything. And I like came to when I was supposed to stop talking. And everyone was clapping. And I was like, ah, it happened. It worked. So whatever I say, it's not me. And none of the things I talk about are because I'm a good, virtuous person naturally. I do this because, you know, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 20, I was literally going to die. Literally about to die. I had been trying to get sober since I was 17. And, you know, drinking and using drugs since I was 12 or 13. And by the time I got into AA, I was homeless. I was strung out. I was drinking pretty much every day. My skin was like this sexy shade of gray and yellow. And my teeth were falling out. And my hair was falling out. And I was like, I'm going to die. And I was about 50 pounds lighter than I am right now. You could count all the bones, you know, just from my back. I mean, I looked like Skeletor. That was my rehab name was Skeletor. If you remember the comic book. And Skeletor and Cousin It. Because I had like super long hair. And I would push it in front of my face. And I would walk around like this. And I would just hide behind my hair. And I had a big black hoodie to that help as well. And I was broken. I was broken in every sense, you know, I could be. And, you know, I'll back up. Drinking worked for a chunk of time. It worked for a little bit. I, you know, at first I, you know, I started drinking just because that's what people around me were doing, you know. I come from a good home. Both my parents are still together. I have two younger brothers. I never, you know, needed anything. I wanted everything. But I never needed anything. And, you know, I, by all means, I had a really great childhood. And so at first it was just for fun and because it worked. And I like doing things that I'm not supposed to do. I really get a kick out of that. I don't like being told what to do. You can ask my sponsor. And, you know, so I did it. And it was fun. And, you know, I needed it. I needed it. I needed it. I never thought I'd relate to Bill Wilson's story, you know. But I'm so grateful that I have a sponsor. You know, we walked through the book line by line, word for word. And she told me to relate to his story. And I did. You know, he talks about being a lone wolf. I was totally a lone wolf. I hate, I feel really uncomfortable around other people. When I was younger, I dressed like a boy. I played sports. I had one other friend. She was a girl but also dressed like a boy. And we weren't super popular as you can imagine. And I had asthma. So I had these inhalers. And, you know, I played soccer. And I'd have to run off the field and like inhale these asthma inhalers. So, you know, not super cool at all. And, you know, that's the first time I can remember really being able to escape my head and get out of myself. I would take these asthma inhalers. And there was like a little nook in our kitchen. And I would go back there. And I would huff these inhalers. They're just steroids. And I would wake up on the floor drooling on myself. You know, if you've ever done NOS balloons, it's kind of like that. And my face would be all tingly. And I would, you know, go into like a little mini blackout. And I didn't think that was abnormal at the time. I know I remember getting in trouble because of it. But I didn't really think that was abnormal until I look back at it doing some step work. I was like seven or eight huffing my asthma medication. So, you know, I started drinking at 13. And for me, you know, drugs are a part of my story. And for me, it's really easy to identify as a drug addict. There's not a whole lot of social heroin users. And I always got a bunch of weird looks when I'd try and smoke some crack, like in a big group of people. They don't like that. They frown on that. But, so like identifying as a drug addict was easy. So I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. And for a long time, you know, people just told me it was the same. Drugs and alcohol are the same. Just say you're an alcoholic. Stand up and identify. And that's what I did. I really didn't even know I was an alcoholic until I started my step work, you know, year three. And looking back at my drinking, it was always abnormal. It was always, you know, what happens for me is I take a drink. And because of this allergy, it tells me to take another drink. And there were nights where, because I was young, because I had to go home to my parents, I was able to, you know, I knew they were like the human breathalyzers, just waiting at the front door. I knew I would walk in and they'd be like looking in my face and smelling my breath. So there were times when like I got to, you know, I got to get through my parents tonight. So I would not, I would stop at one or two. And then there were other nights where I would want to stop at one or two. And I'd have one. And then I'd come to three days later in Lancaster with no shoes and no purse. And, you know, and everyone would be looking for me. My problem was I can't come. I can't control which night is going to be which. You know, I don't know what's going to happen from one night to the next. And so like I said, when I got sober, I just felt, you know, I felt defeated. But in the beginning, you know, I started going to meetings when I was 17, 18. And it was everyone else's fault. It was, you know, I was having these problems largely because of my parents. They just would not get off my back. Like if they were not in trouble, I would have been in trouble. If I didn't interfere with what made me happy, then, you know, I wouldn't be in trouble. Like just let me live my life. I'm 16. I know everything. And, oh, you know what? I'm not timing myself. 145. Okay. Five, two, okay. And they were, you know, always just a giant buzz kill. They were a huge buzz kill. And I remember it was my parents. They were like, you know, you're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. You're going to be in trouble. And it was not Karen's fault. It was definitely, there was Craterface Coop. He was, I don't know if you remember his name. He was our school security guard in high school. And he was always, always getting me. I would do this escape route, you know. I had, we'd go to the baseball diamond. And we had busted up the gate to sneak underneath. And there was a hotel behind our high school. And we'd go and get high in there, drunk. And he would wait for me to crawl on my stomach and get out from underneath the gate and get all dirty. And then he would come and bust me. Because he knew, he knew that would be the best time. Because he knew I thought I was free. And, you know, so it was his fault. It was my parents' fault. You know, and when I started feeling this panic about, God, like I don't know that I can control this anymore. It was because they were making me take drug tests. You know, they wanted to know when I was drinking. And I was like, you know, if they wouldn't make me do these drug tests, I wouldn't have to try and stay sober. And I wouldn't be so stressed out. Because sobriety stresses me out. I don't know who shared that. But I relate to sobriety stressing me out. You know, and I did everything to point the finger at other people for a very long time. And, you know, I so relate to in the book where it talks about, you know, Steve was talking about this. Where it talks about the alcoholic has all these aptitudes. And, you know, he builds himself up only to tear it down. And, you know, I played soccer competitively. I wanted to, Mia Hamm was in the Olympics. She was really big when I was younger. I wanted to be the next Mia Hamm and play soccer professionally. And I got great grades for a while. And then there's a certain point in time where alcohol just took over everything. And gradually, everything that was really important to me at one time, you know, wasn't so important anymore. I dropped out of, I dropped off my club team because, and this ties into my six and seven later. But, you know, I played on a club team outside of high school. And in the off season, my coach wanted us to play for our school team. You know, if you play for a club, like you don't play for your school team. Like, it's kind of like, they don't have cool uniforms. You know, it's kind of a step below. Or, in my mind, it was. And I was like, I'm not doing that. And I'm definitely not doing gym. I'm not wearing gym clothes. You know, I was always too good. You know, I was always, you know, better than other people. Either better than or worse than, you know. And so, I flunked out of high school because I refused to go to gym. So I was an A student. And then I failed out the second, two months before I graduated high school. And I just dropped out of high school. And I, you know, remember moving into my first apartment. You know, I don't even think I can say I moved into my first apartment. I found some semi-homeless dude on Venice Beach. And he had a VW van. And he smoked a lot of weed. And he was an artist. And he was a great guy. And he was a great guy. And he was a great guy. And I say that super lightly. And, you know, he said he had, he was splitting this apartment. He was getting these checks from the city or the, you know, the state for being crazy. And I was like, great, source of income. And, because I didn't have any source of income. And, you know, he was like, I get these county checks. And I'm splitting this apartment in Hollywood. And you're, you know, free to move in with me. And, you know, and I'm running the show, right? Like, I'm not asking for guidance. I have no higher power. I have no one that I respect. I respect my own thinking and my own decisions. And I know what's best. And, you know, me knowing what's best, I move in with this guy that I know for a couple weeks. And, you know, I knew so much. I didn't even know you had to pay for gas and electricity. So I move in. And I'm like, well, screw the man. I'm not paying for that. It's a basic right. Everyone should have it. It's a basic right. Everyone should have hot water and electricity. I'm not paying those bills. That's not the reason I didn't pay those bills. I didn't have any money. I wasn't employable, you know? So we lived by candlelight. And I wasn't taking a whole lot of showers anyway. So it was cool with me. And I remember unpacking. I moved out in a trash bag. My mom got so mad. She took all my stuff and threw it on the front lawn. And I took a trash bag. And I got on the bus. I took the bus from Santa Monica. And I moved to Hollywood. And man, I thought I had arrived. I was like, this is it. This is the beginning. This is going to be amazing. And I just was waking up every single morning. And the first thing I could think about was to have a beer. Not even particularly because I was thirsty at the time. But it was like, there's no one telling me not to. So why wouldn't you? Isn't this why people move out of their parents' houses to drink beer in the morning? And so I moved out. And it was fun. It was fun. It was fun. And then it wasn't. I fell in love with his roommate, unfortunately, for him. So we kicked the guy out that I had moved in with originally. And because that's who I am. That's who I am. I want what I want because I think that if I can get those things that I want, I'm going to be happy on the inside. And I'm going to feel good on the inside. And if only I can rest satisfaction that I'm going to be OK. If only things go my way, everything will be great. The first time I read about the actor, my sponsor had me read it in the first person. And I saw myself for the first time. And I started crying. And if you haven't read this in the first person, I hope you do. You have to do it out loud too. I'm just going to read this really quick. The first person. The first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis, I'm almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good. I try and live by self-propulsion. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show. I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in my own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including myself, would be pleased. And I really, truly believe that. It was like at that time, my parents started to get a little bit more aggressive with, they thought I was anorexic. And so they sat me down. And they wanted to send me some kind of eating disorder place. And I was like, no, I'm just on drugs. And I don't have a lot of money for food. And not a big deal. And within two years, I had to get sober. And my body can get physically used to living anywhere. I was raised in a beautiful home in Santa Monica on the beach, not on ocean shores. At the end, I was sharing a Toyota Hatchback with a tweaker. It became infested with rats. We stayed in that car. We squatted in abandoned buildings. I slept on cold floors. We're the same clothes. And that stuff, I can get used to that. That's not a big deal. you know like um god was it Harold talking about or how we're talking about how you can just keep digging I can keep digging forever until I'm dead and um so you know when I got sober there was literally nowhere else to go and I remember going to my first meeting with my dad and I would go home to get cleaned up and steal money and then go back out with the boyfriend and um you know I had done that I had uh I was leaving I planned to leave that day and my parents never knew when I was leaving and they would lock all the doors so I'd have to call out the window um and he was like Gina let's go to a meeting you have to go to a meeting today and he would take me to the there's a clubhouse down the street and uh you know I'd have to identify as an alcoholic and uh he would stand up next to me like I'm not an alcoholic but I'm her dad I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run away and uh you know I was like I'm not an alcoholic but I'm her dad I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run away and uh I was like oh this is so lame there's nothing lamer than being an alcoholic synonymous when you're 19 years old but coming with your dad makes it like extra lame and um I remember I'll always remember the first speaker I have no idea what he said but I can see it in my in my mind um he stood there and he had like a giant like one liter thing of water and he opened the cap before he even said his name and he just chugged the whole thing of water and he put it down and just everyone was laughing you know and it was the first time I had laughed in like five years you know um and and then the rest of his talk all I remember him saying is you know want want want God want want want God and I just heard the word God like a hundred million times that's my perception at least and um we left that meeting and I was like you know they're they're cool they're so nice they're so friendly but you know they were lying and they were saying that they're not affiliated and uh you know with any religious denomination but I heard God 50 different times and my dad um man God bless my dad he goes um as you understand him you get to pick he's like you pick everything Gina he was like you get to pick your own conception of a higher power and I was like that's a trick they don't mean that and um and uh you know so I knew in in the bottom of my gut something told me that night that I would end up in Alcoholics and onomaniacs and I was like oh my god I'm gonna be a part of this and I consciously said I'm just not done yet I'm just not ready yet and so I went out and I lived like that for another couple years and um uh the last night I drank was unlike any other night I had drank before you know like if I knew in hindsight you know if I had known that was going to be my last drink it would have been way better I would have gone way further there's a bunch of stuff I had yet to try and um I remember uh I came to the next morning I'd been drinking Cisco the night before with my crack dealer and um it stains everything it touches you know and um I had stolen my dad's car I called my dad dad come and get me and he's like I can't come and get you you stole my car and I can't get to work and um he took a cab down to Venice to come and get me and we went out to his car I had left it parked in the middle of the street with all the doors open and you know drugs all over the car someone's property bag from County Jail in the back seat someone's ticket for prostitution in the front seat and I had no idea what I had done that night no idea but I knew I was in that car I I remember coming to driving people around um but I don't remember anything that took place that night and um and we got in his car together the most uncomfortable ride I've ever taken in my life and you know and he looked at me and he was like me and he said you can't come home we like we cannot do this again we just can't do this you can't you can't do this to your brothers and um so you know I don't know where this thought came from I don't know why I thought this I didn't have any insurance I didn't know how to get into treatment and I just told him to drop me off at a hospital and he dropped me off at this hospital and I told them that if I had I wanted to get sober I did not want to drink again I knew I didn't want to drink again but I knew I didn't have the power to stop so I told them I knew that if I told him I was going to hurt myself, that by law they had to lock me up. And so I told them I'm going to kill myself. And I was way too much of a wuss to do that, you know. But it was true in a sense. And, you know, they locked me up promptly. And they didn't have a psych ward at that hospital. So they put me in a room and they locked me in there with one of their random security guards. And he was sitting there. You know, now I'm sober. Now I'm sober and I'm thinking this is a bad decision. I was like, oh, I can't leave. You know, and I was like, I think I overreacted. I think this is totally unnecessary. I can leave now. And they're like, no, once you say that, you're on lockdown. And so I'm sitting there regretting the decision. You know, I'm like, this is such a bad idea. And the security guard was sitting there just ignoring me and reading something. And let me tell you what it looked like. Like, I was technically homeless. I had just been fired from my last job, which is a clown. I was literally a clown. My name was Silly Jilly. And that was the only job I could get when I was out there. And like the white face, the red nose, the shoes, the rainbow skirt, the whole nine yards. And I would drive my stolen car out to these parties to entertain all these kids. I'd be hungover from the night before. I'd take a shot of speed and I'd go and entertain your children. And so if you've ever had a strung out, you know, hungover clown at your kid's birthday party, I probably owe you an amends. And I had just been fired from this clown job. You know, when you're fired as a clown, like that's the bottom. And so I'm like a failed clown. I'm a high school dropout. I'm strung out. I'm drunk. No ideas. Nothing to my name. And I'm sitting there and this guy said, what are you reading? And he was like, the Bible. And I was like, oh, Jesus. And, you know, he's sitting there. He has a job. He's employed. You know, he has God in his life. He's providing for his family. He's doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's an upright, you know, citizen. He was a kind, loving, tolerant patient to me. I was being a jerk. And I'm sitting there judging him as a homeless, drunk clown. Like that is the, you know, that is my ego in a nutshell. That's, you know, like I don't, I don't need to say anything more, right? And he was like, do you want me to read to you? And I was like, you can read, but you can't say the word Jesus. And he's reading the Bible. And so he, you know, and you know what he did? He did it. He found like these passages that didn't include Jesus. And he, and he read them to me. And, you know, one of them was everything that you do, everything, you know, and I'm totally paraphrasing. I'm paraphrasing, but everything that you do in the dark will eventually come to the light. That all, you know, everything that you've done that, you know, there's nothing that you can hide. Everything's going to come out in the wash, whatever, you know, something like that. And that hit me so hard. And I just, there was this moment of just this surrender. I was like, there's nowhere to go from here. There's nowhere to go. I'm just going to do whatever these people around me tell me to do. I'm going to stop fighting. And so I went into treatment. 007 And I had to go in the psych ward first. And then they were, you know, they sent me to some treatment facility. And then I immediately went into a sober living. And, you know, my first three years of sobriety were painful. And I did not do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous. I had this belief that Alcoholics Anonymous was a series of meetings that you go to. And you go to these meetings and you get charged up and you make sure that you go to the right meetings. So you hear good speakers. 007 And the speaker gives you the juice to make it to the next meeting. And you go home and you just pray that you don't drink. And, you know, you repeat some slogans, you know, like attitude of gratitude. And you hang on tight. And then you go to the next meeting. And then when you start to feel crazy, you run to another meeting. And then, you know, and that was my life for three years. There was no God. There was no sponsorship. There was no steps. There was no nothing. So when I came to my sponsor at three years sober, almost three years sober, I was a disaster. You know, I was lying in sobriety. I was a horrible employee. Couldn't show up on time. The most I could do was I had this little job. I would come home from my job. I'd get into bed. I'd draw all the blinds. I'd get my cats in bed with me. And we'd eat ice cream together and watch like ten hours of Law and Order. 008 And literally that was the only thing that got me through my first year. 009 And I was like, I'm going to go to the next meeting. 0010 Because what I learned through those first three years of sobriety was Law and Order and Haagen Dass. 0012 And you know if you're new, I hope you know that you don't have to do it that way. It's really difficult. 0013 And so I had this thought one night that I don't know what it was or where it came from. Now I do. It was God. But at the time, I didn't. Because I wasn't thirsty. I wasn't craving anything. You know, it wasn't, like I wasn't thinking about alcohol anymore. 0014 That wasn't it. But my life had come But my life was a mess. I was still having crazy thoughts and doing crazy things. I was living with a guy, perfectly wonderful man, super nice to me. I was not in love with him. I said I was because it was convenient. We could split rent. So I had this thought one night that if you do not go back to meetings and get a sponsor and work the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you're going to drink again. And it wasn't like a thought like maybe that could happen. It was like this is what's going to happen to your life if you do not work the steps. And I don't know where that came from because my boyfriend wasn't doing any steps. I wasn't going to meetings anymore. I was completely separated from Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I went to this relapse prevention group. And the guy that was running this group was just, because I would go to AA meetings and people would be talking about having a spiritual release. And being, rising above their problems. And you know, being, you know, sponsoring people. And I felt like a fraud because I had never even done an inventory. And so I went into this relapse prevention group because it was easy. I knew him from my rehab. And he looked at me. He was like this big buff tattooed guy. And everyone talked smack about this guy. And you just don't mess with him. You don't mess with Don T. And Don looked at me and he was like, if you want to come back to this group next week, you better have a sponsor. Don't come back. Don't come back. Don't come back without a sponsor. And I didn't want to get kicked out. So I got a sponsor. I still call him every birthday. I call him and thank him for that advice, you know. He didn't try and save me with his relapse prevention group. You know, he directed me back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went to a speaker meeting on a Friday night. And this woman spoke. And I remember she had really pretty hair. And she had a nice purse. And. Do you know who that? You probably know who that is. And. But she spoke with this quiet confidence. You know, like I could tell she had what I wanted. And I had collected numbers for three years in Alcoholics Anonymous. Never called a single person. And I started stalking her on Facebook naturally. And, you know, I saw that she was going through a divorce. And I was like, oh, she's probably, you know, it's a bad time to ask. Ask her to sponsor me right now. And later she told me it couldn't have been better timing. And I. So I was stalking her. I started going to her home group and feeling it out. And I remember calling her. I had left the Thursday night meeting, the home group meeting that she had asked me to go to. And I just felt this peace come in. Like I started to feel a part of Alcoholics Anonymous again. And all these people like knew the book inside and out. And we would read five pages. And when people would come in. And I would say, oh, I'm sorry. And when people shared, they shared about the book. They didn't share about their feelings. And I just felt hopeful again. I was like, oh my God. I think this is going to work out. I think this is what I need. And I just had this moment of, like, you know, fleeting courage. And I called her. I was driving on the freeway. I was like, can you sponsor me. And I didn't, I don't really think I waited for her to say hello. She just picked up. And I was like, oh, hi. Katya, it's Gina. Can you sponsor me? She's like, are you driving? And I was like, yeah. She's like, that's against the law to talk on your cell phone. phone and drive at the same time Gina I'm like hey Jesus she's like call me when you're not driving so I got home and I called her back and she was like get a pen and paper you know and I was willing beyond belief I was willing beyond I just was so desperate for something new and you know she gave me a list of stuff to start doing she asked me why I'd stopped going to meetings and I was because I wasn't getting anything from that I was like I'm not getting anything from meetings anymore it's not working for me and she's like you have three almost three years sober I was like yeah and she said well the meetings aren't for you they're for newcomers maybe if you weren't going to get something and you're going to give something your experience would be different and that like blew my mind that like my whole idea of alcoholics anonymous was that you helped me done like there's no me helping you you know so you know she started walking me through the big book of alcoholics anonymous and when I got to my you know in my opinion to do a good six and seven you got to do an awesome fourth and fifth you got to be completely fearless and thorough and you got to lay everything down on the line and and we read it right before I started talking but you know I the way I wrote out my my inventory was I saved the worst for the bottom the last page because in my mind I was like if he gets too weird I'm just I'm going to leave that part out you know and I'll just leave but if I try and skip over things and if I'm trying to pre-read and filter what I'm telling her she's going to be able to tell so I left it strategically at the end so I could be like alright and now I'm done you know if I needed to and something happened in that that day when I did buy inventory with her I got my論 I got my dari her I just told her everything I do panels in a lot of jails and I was at Twin Towers in Los Angeles and this guy was like totally blown away at the idea of a fifth step he was like talk to me about that tell all he called it the tell all he's like you did a tell all to somebody you didn't even know and I was like yeah yeah he's like you told everything I mean it blew his mind that someone could do that and that it was helpful you know so I did my tell all and you know and I remember we got to the end and here we are so we had started reading on the top of 76 but if you go to the bottom of 75 it says returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour carefully reviewing what we've done we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know that we're doing something right and we're doing something right and we're doing something right and we're doing something right and we're doing something better taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps carefully reading the first five proposals the first five steps we ask if we have omitted anything for we are building an arch through which we will we shall walk a free man at last is our work solid so far are the stones properly in place have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand you know so before you do a six and seven you know I had to ask myself these questions I had to really look at every single one and for me something that was really important was to make sure I identified as an alcoholic you know like I said I came in thinking I was a drug addict but wanting to be part of a I had started another fellowship and I I liked a more and I was like I'm not doesn't matter from an alcoholic I just it's the same same same same I'm just gonna say I'm an alcoholic you know so for me I'm very grateful that she had me write out my experiences with alcohol only so that I could really look at my drinking and disregard anything else that I had done you know so I I knew that I had to go through a process of alcoholism and I knew that my I believed you know I conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and I didn't want to write my whole life you know people has said told me that you have such great potential she has such great potential you know she's my dad would be like Gina you're such a great starter she's like you start so strong you know what I do I start everything with so much enthusiasm and then if I get scared I back out if I if I lose my opportunities then like you haveWhoa like I'm gonna lose work back out if that guy says there denies you and like oh you decided no can do right that's not wrong right it's I'm feeling better this kid's already trustinggie just said just want you to come back definitely he's excited she's so devam 힘�as no so there and I get all the the so I say yes to part I now can do it no it'ships fight too much it doesn't work for you no I just with the exercise so I do alcoholics and I was I got a big book they gave me a free big book I went home back to my parents house and I was gonna do I was gonna sponsor myself so I sat down with the book and I just started reading and I was like I had remembered they said in the meeting all you need is the book I was like well if all I need is the book then I don't need you and so I sat down and like six and seven baffled me you know the prayer I like what you know are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable and I was like there is nothing objectionable about my personality when I sat down that night I was like the idea that I had character defects was so foreign I you know in my mind my entire problem was with alcohol and if I could just stop and read I would have been like oh my god I'm gonna read this book drinking everything would fall into place well so I went and I tested that theory for three years and that's not true for me you know when I removed drugs and alcohol I really it became crystal clear that the bottle was but a symptom that we have to get down to causes and conditions that my thinking is skewed you know that my perception of life is is drastically different and wrong most of the time and so you know again you got to do a four and five to know what your defects are your for me it wouldn't have been helpful to just see a list of defects and then you know pray for them to go away you know definitely prayer and meditation is a big part of six and seven obviously but it had to be personal to me I had to see what my defects were in black and white and when I did my my fourth and my fist up you know all the people that I was angry at and then I had blamed for years my parents crater face coup the cops my brothers my friends from high school all those people I cruise out of school and was had to speak up in front of similar things and when I heard the other friends and both of them unless I get there immediately I just you know exactly what I mean I just didn't know all these sampai how you crystals will haunt your back and it tried to drape the world I just didn't know you know why you don't I had set the ball rolling, because I had either lied to them, I'd manipulated them, I tried to cheat them, I tried to use them for my own purposes. So I wrote out these little notes to help me. So the 12 and 12 really helped me understand 6 and 7 on a whole new level. And it talks about, for me, the thing that got me hung up on step 6 was, we're entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. What does entirely ready mean? I have no idea what that means. I mean, I think I'm entirely ready, but what does that look like in action? And the 12 and 12 says, the keywords entirely ready underline the fact that we aim at the very best we know or can learn. It goes on to say that practically everybody wishes to be rid of his most glaring and destructive handicaps. No one wants to be the one who's the one who's the one who's the one who wants to be so proud he is scored as a bragger, so greedy he is labeled a thief, angry enough to murder, or lustful enough to rape. And it goes on to say, not much spiritual effort is involved in avoiding excesses which will bring us punishment anyway. And that was a mind-blowing concept. You know, it was like, you know, I knew, you know, as far as I had ever gotten was I am a bad girl. And there are good things that good people do, and those are for squares, and it doesn't look fun. And I'm like, well, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I had never, you know, so I always measured myself against these objectives that were completely irrelevant to my life. No, I never murdered anybody. I never raped anybody. I never, you know, physically, I stole from my parents. I lied. I was a thief. But, you know, so what it asks is, it says, when we face up to the less violent aspects of these very same defects, then where do we stand? You know? So for me, and as I've, you know, I did the steps seven years ago. That was my first time doing the steps. As I continue to grow and learn about myself, I have to keep watching for these defects, how they change, you know? I adopt new ones, you know? Like, in the beginning, a big thing for me was lying. I was a huge liar, you know? And I would tell Katya that I would lie, and she told me to go tell the person I had lied. So I had to literally call these people and say, like, you know, that thing that I said the other day, I was lying to you. And they would be like, I know. And so if you want to get over lying, that's a really awesome way to get over lying. Because it's so humiliating to tell someone that you lied. It's the worst. And, you know, and so those are the things I came in with. You know, they're a little bit different now, you know? And I can't claim that nothing was completely removed from me. Things changed, you know? And I, for example, you know, defects, you know, I had a lot of issues. I had a lot of problems. I had a lot of issues. You know? And I was like, what happened? What happened? What happened? I was like, I can't believe this. I'm going to tell you what happened. I'm going to tell you what happened. I'm going to tell you what happened. So I had to, you know, I had to have a lot of pride. You know, pride for me used to look like, I know everything. Don't tell me anything. I got this. You know? Wouldn't listen to my parents. Wouldn't listen to school. No one could tell me anything. I hated authority. And that was very blatant. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a sponsor. And for whatever reason, the willingness gave me the opportunity just to do whatever my sponsor suggested until I could get some kind of God consciousness. I've had a hard time managing my money. I've been really grateful to be employed my entire sobriety. And, you know, through the things that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me, I've been able to get really good jobs and earn good money. And I spend it really well too. And, you know, but it kept putting me in this uncomfortable place, you know, where the debt was stressing me out. I would pile it up. I couldn't pay it off. I started moving things around on credit cards. I started missing bills. You know, things started to get sloppy. And, you know, I've had to really look at my materialism. And it's something I still struggle with. But for me, I can't just do six and seven once and then move on and pretend like I'm good. You know, like, oh, I don't lie anymore. I don't physically steal things out of other people's houses anymore. Like, for me, I have to keep looking for these and working on them. You know, a really big one that came up for me was, you know, the defect of sloth, you know, being lazy. You know, what that used to look like was I watched six hours of Law and Order every day. Because I just couldn't deal, you know. I didn't want to do anything. I was too scared to go out on a limb. I didn't want to do anything with my life. And that's not a problem today. Like, my life is so big right now. I don't have enough time. But for me, what sloth has turned into is procrastination, you know. I've been in school for the past ten years. I've always been in school in sobriety. And, you know, I have to look at what procrastination does in my life, you know, where I'm at with that right now. And even with school, still to this day, I've been a student ten years and I still do this sometimes. But, you know, when I, I like to wait until the night before to work on my final project for the class. It's my favorite. You know, and I'll stay up until 2 a.m. I'm cramming. I'm nervous. You know, I snap at my boyfriend when I'm uptight. I wake up late for work. So then I'm late to work. You know, I snap at my new assistant. You know, I wrote down here. You know, it makes me late. You know, I'll be late for school. And then people are waiting for me. So, I mean, just the idea of, you know, this is why I love 6 and 7. I do. Because it makes me continually look at how I can be better. You know, it goes on to say in the 12 and 12 that, you know, I want to be perfect. But I want to be God-like. If they construct a list of still milder defects, they will be obliged to admit that they prefer to hang onto some of them. We want to settle for only as much perfection as we'll get as buy-in life. So the difference between the boys and the men is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective and the perfect objective, which is of God. You know, and it goes on to talk about how we want to be God-like. That doesn't mean that we're going to be perfect, you know. I think for a lot of us, you know, we're going to be perfect. It's a good thing. We're going to be perfect. of a lot of the I've heard in Alcoholics Anonymous people when they mess up they throw out their own progress not perfection and as if it's like this catch-all like hey it's cool this is how I'm going to act today and and that's okay like again I'm not perfect I still have defects but I have to constantly be looking at how I can be better you know because ultimately like the book talks about our goal is to carry this message to other alcoholics and that my life depends on my constant thoughts and needs of others and that I have to fit myself to be of maximum usefulness or helpfulness to my fellows how can I be of maximum usefulness to my sponsees if I'm you know running late snapping at people when I'm tired you know wallowing in self-pity because I don't have money you know so again I don't do these things because I'm naturally like this good godly virtuous person I want to be comfortable in my own skin you know I live my whole life uncomfortable in my skin you know and the freedom that I've got in Alcoholics Anonymous is there's nothing like it and I just want more I just want more I was going to say the remaining 11 steps state perfect ideals you know he was talking about step one is the only one that we can do perfectly so the remaining 11 steps are state perfect ideals their goals toward which we look and the measuring sticks by which we estimate our progress we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness we shall need to raise our eyes to perfection and be ready to walk in that direction you know really a really big one for me is my parents and my family and Jacques was talking about it last night about good luck making your family change and I've been trying to do that for 10 years unsuccessfully and when I got sober I had this belief that I would get sober my whole family would miraculously change and we'd all be restored to health and sanity and we go skipping off into the sunset and we wouldn't have fights anymore and I'm not going to let that get in the way of our and that wasn't the case. You know, my brother stayed drunk. My parents stayed crazy and I had a really hard time having a relationship with them. And my mom would do this thing where she would call me and tell me all the horrible things that my brother was doing and it would make me feel horrible. It made me feel horrible for my brother. It made me feel horrible for my mom that she was living through that. It made me mad at her. I blamed her. You know, if only she would get stricter. So I was like, I'm going to parent my parents. And I did that for years. You know, like it talks about on 63. I did it in different ways because I'm a good manipulator. I know, you know, you have to try it up if it doesn't work the first time. You have to change it up. You know, it says... That's not it. What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. I begin to think life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more. I become on the next occasion. Still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Admitting I may be somewhat at fault, I'm sure that other people are more to blame. I became angry, indignant, and self-pitying. You know, and... So I tried so many different things with my mom. Mom, you should really try Al-Anon. Al-Anon will tell you how to get Nikki sober. That was the big one. I tried to trick her into Al-Anon that way. I was like, it's not your dad. You know, they're going to help you fix Nikki. And they wouldn't do that. And then she would call me with another sob story. And then I'd get mad at her. I was like, well, you deserve it. You're sick. You're sick just like Nikki. You're worse than Nikki. And then I would punish her. And then we'd get into these fights. They would stop calling me. I couldn't have a conversation without crying to them. I was at work one day. And I was at work one day. And my mom called me with another story. And I'm at work. You know, I need to be on it. And at the time I was doing like commodities trading where these guys would give me trades. And I had to place these trades. One single mistake would cost the company, could, $100,000 easy in five seconds. And I would get so emotionally upset I couldn't do my job. And I ran out. I took a break. And I left. I was in the parking lot. I couldn't get a hold of my sponsor. I called her sponsor. And I'll never forget that conversation. She said, we did a 10-step on the spot. You know, where am I? What is my part? Well, I'm trying to change my parents. You know? I'm trying to parent my parents. I think I know how to help you. And if you would just take my help, you would be better too. We'd all be better. And I had to do step one, two, and three on my parents. You know? My life, I'm completely powerless over my parents. And when I try and control my parents, my life is unmanageable. I literally cannot work when I'm trying to parent my parents. You know, steps two. You know, if God can restore you to sanity with your alcohol, don't you think he can do that with other problems too? You know? And I had to apply that to my mom. I had to realize that she has her own God. I had to think back of all the times that people tried to help me and I wasn't ready to accept help. No one could have got me sober before I got sober. Nobody. And step three, I had to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood him. You know, my thinking and my actions over to a higher power. And I had to give up this crazy idea that I had that I could change her. And I would like to say after that 10-step, those defects were removed. And I never did. I never did. I never did. I never did. I never did. I never did. And I never did. I never moved. I never did. I never did. I never did. I never did. I never did. But it's not going to change me. And my mom and I did. And we did something. I did them again. And, you know, my parents miraculously changed on their own. And that's not what happened. But I will tell you that it has got significantly better. It's gotten significantly better. I don't take my mom's calls in the middle of the day anymore. Step number one. You know, and I got to a place where she would start to tell me something about my brother. I just can't do it. And so she stopped telling me. And that was the only way for a long time that I could deal with my brother drinking. And it came to a point last year where, you know, I had stopped parenting them enough. I had stopped punishing them. We didn't have an adversarial relationship anymore. And they became willing to do an intervention with my brother. But it wasn't because I was harping on them and forcing it down their throat anymore, you know. You know, they made a decision to do the intervention. I had some connections. We put it together and we sat down. We gave him rehab as his Christmas gift. You know, I'm not in charge of that, though. I'm not in charge of that. It wasn't me. You know, my dad and my mom want to give me so much praise. Oh, thank you, Gina. You did it. I'm like, I didn't do anything. I really didn't do anything. I stayed sober. And if you're in L.A. and you're sober, you know people who work in treatment. But it started with that self-appraisal. You know, it started with talking with another alcoholic and getting an outside perspective. It started with me looking at my character defects. Where was I being controlling? Where was I playing God? I'm going to talk about step seven. Step seven. You know, I was taught that every step has a spiritual principle. And I'm sure there's many. But step seven for me is all about humility. And there's this really amazing essay or letter that Bill W. wrote in 1961 for The Great Blind. It's called Humility for Today. He talks about how he was always stuck in either excessive guilt and rebellion or extreme pride. And how those are really the same, you know, different things on the same coin. Or opposite sides of the same coin. And, you know, again, either over-remorseful. I'm such a horrible person. I'm so bad. You know, like, can't believe I did this again. Or I'm so great. I'm so much better than that other person. And when you're in that, you're still thinking about self. You know, you can think about yourself as an amazing person. You can think about yourself as a horrible person. You're still thinking about yourself. You know? And. You know, my first, my initial idea of the word humility. I mean, I didn't even like saying the word. It was so gross. You know? But I had had experience with humility. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, that was my first taste of humility. And it was, you know, in my mind, humility equals humiliation. And who wants to be humiliated? You know? And the book says, we had lacked the perspective to see that character building and spiritual values had come first. That had to come first. That material satisfactions were not the purpose of living. Seldom do we look at character building as something desirable in itself. We never thought of making honesty, tolerance, and true love of man and God the daily basis of living. You know? So for me, it was like I had to get past, you know, okay. I was able to put down my pride and be humble enough to get sober. And willing to admit that I was completely powerless over drugs and alcohol. The next surrender had to be, you know, the next time I humbled myself has to be every time I apply myself. And every time I approach my character defects. You know? Because there are some defects that I still want to hang on to so bad. There's some things that in my life, you know, one of them, you know, again, looking at, digging deeper and looking at, what are the less violent aspects of these defects? You know? So this idea of, for me, self-righteous on Facebook all day long. I have this experience where, you know, because self-righteous for me is, I know better than you do. And I feel so sorry that you don't, that you're not as smart as I am. And that you don't share my belief system because I'm clearly right and you're clearly wrong. It separates me from my fellows though. You know? And a good example of this was I posted an article on Facebook. The title was something to the effect of, if you believe this, you are a blank. You know? And it was just, it was a rude title. And I loved it. And I shared it intentionally because I knew I couldn't just say that. But if I just post this article, I didn't say it. I didn't, the article said it. So I posted this. It was so, it was so obnoxious. It was like, you know, the whole article was like, you know, if you, you know, you're just an idiot. And my best friend's husband believed that. You know? And he just went on, you know, he just attacked me. And I'm sitting there thinking, I cannot believe he's being so immature about this. I can't believe what he's posting. This is, he's crazy. And I had to look at, you know, why did I talk to my sponsor about it? And she had suggested, like, why did you post that? Are you changing the world by posting this article on Facebook? Or are you trying to come off as superior? Yeah, I'm not changing anything by posting anything on Facebook. You know? I am putting myself on a pedestal. I'm, you know, putting you down. And I had to call him and make amends. Oh. And that was so hard. Because. Here's the thing. I still believe in what I believe in. But that doesn't matter. You know? I had literally just called him a name. That could have interfered with the relationship with one of my closest women in my life. Someone who's helped me. And I love her. And I respect her. Literally calling her beliefs trash. And so I had to humble myself and go to him and make amends. That I can only imagine how that must have made you feel. That was so rude. It was completely disrespectful. You know? We had a great, you know, I never loved him. I never liked the guy up until then too. You know? And he was in awe. He's like, I can't believe you're apologizing. He's like, I can't believe you called me. He was like, you know, I always liked you. And I really respect who you are as a person. And this demonstration just goes to prove that. And in my head, like, this isn't me. This is not what I want to do naturally. Naturally, I want to post that article. And then when you attack me, I want to be like, see? I told you you're crazy. Um. You know, it really, um. You know, like someone was talking about where can I bring harmony where there's discord. Um. You know, I had to learn a new definition of the word humility. You know? My sponsor, the first time she explained it to me is, you know, being humble is being teachable. For me, being teachable is, it allows me to learn something new. And when I learn something new, my ideas and my thoughts and my principles, my perceptions on life change. And every time I change, I get more free. You know, I remember when we got to step 12. Bless you. We got to step 12 and I wanted a party. Like, I wanted my sponsor to throw a parade for me. I wanted there to be streamers and cake. I wanted there to be celebration. And, um. And it was just, there was none of that. And she, um, you know, she's like, okay, well now you're going to go sponsor other people. I was like, that's it? And, um, I was really concerned that I hadn't had the spiritual experience. And, um, and I remember her laughing at me. And, you know, we went back and we read the spiritual experience in the back of the book. And, you know, in the book, you know, in the spiritual experience, it says some kind of, uh, the word change a million different times in a million different places. It says personality change, personality changes, religious experiences, sudden spectacular upheavals, sudden revolutionary changes, a vast change in feeling and outlook, transformation, develop, alteration, you know, all the same thing, change. You know, the spiritual experience, you know, my brother had, we joke about him, he had a burning bush experience. I did not. I had the slow educational variety where through practicing steps 6 and 7, over a period of time, looking at my defects and looking at my weaknesses, literally practicing the opposite of them, over a slow period of time, my outlook, my feelings, my perceptions, my ideas, my baby elephant ideas, um, completely changed. So when I came in here as a broke 20 year old girl, you know, failed clown, high school dropout, drunk, you know, I stand before you today and that's not me anymore. That's not me. Um, it didn't happen all over, you know, one night. I was in the office and in the 12 and 12, Bill talks about, you just have to make a beginning. The only thing that you need is open mindedness and willingness. You know, and it's, um, you start and then you just keep going for the rest of your life. You know, because there's nobody here that, you know, all of our defects, we prayed and all of our defects were removed and, um, and we were perfect and never had a problem. That doesn't happen. If it happened to you, please come see me afterwards. But that's not my experience. I, um, you know, I'll wrap up by sharing, um, you know, so for me, steps 6 and 7 were taught to me, like, step 6 is not doing what you want to do, which is your defects, right? You look at your defects, you get ready to not do those anymore. And step 7 is doing what you don't want to do, which is contrary action, behaving differently, living differently. And, um, and I had this experience with my sponsor, um, I was really mad. We disagreed about something and in my head I went to this place of like, that's it, I'm firing her. She's done. And, um, and I was devastated about the decision because I couldn't think of anyone else to sponsor me. And, uh, and, um, you know, we have a lot of history. She knows me, you know, I was like, she's a great sponsor, but if we disagree on this one thing, I can't keep working with her. So I called her sponsor. And, um, and I'll never forget that conversation. You know, we did a 10 step. You know, I inventoried my beliefs about our relationship and who she was to me and what she meant to me and what our relationship looked like. You know, it came down to my part. And I was like, I have no part. I'm right, she's wrong. And, um, and she was like, well, why don't we look at your ideas? Your old ideas. And one of them was, if we do not agree, um, and we believe different things, that I cannot take guidance from her. And that everything else she says is wrong. And I need to go to get a new sponsor. Like, if we cannot agree, then I'm scared. But if we disagree on this one thing, we disagree on other things. And if we disagree on other things, how can she help me live the life I want to live? And if she's not, you know, and if I keep taking her guidance, then I'm going to go on the wrong track and I'm going to get drunk. You know, like I had this whole thing in my head. And, um, she said, you know, what your part in this is, is you're placing your complete dependence upon your sponsor. You know, where's God in any of this? You know, why can't you have a disagreement with somebody and not cut them out of your life? And that was a revolutionary concept to me, you know, because when I'm uncomfortable, I want to cut and run. And, um, you know, she agreed with me. She thought she was wrong. I'm just kidding. She's sitting right here looking at me. But, you know, she, but that's not it. We weren't inventorying her, whatever. Honestly, I don't even remember what happened. It wasn't about her. It was about me. Like, in my head, I had taken this one thing and blown it out of proportion to this place where it's like, I'm, you know, I'm going to have to fire her and be all alone and forge a new path in AA. And, um, and I had to really look at my relationship with my God and my higher power. Like, really seriously. You know, she's like, sure, you can fire her because you disagree. You're going to get a new sponsor. You're going to disagree with that one. You're going to fire that one. Like, where does it end? Um, you know, our dependence has to be on a higher power. And, you know, she's here. She walked me through the steps and she helped me connect with a power greater than myself that's helped me stay sober and be happy and free. And, um, and I started getting really into prayer and meditation at that point, you know. You know, because I wanted to affect that consciousness. I was sponsoring. I do HNI. I'm of service. But I did not do Step 11. And, um, you know, so I got really in, you know, I started memorizing some prayers. I started, I got this app on my phone. You know, I really got into it. I started finding teachers for meditation to guide me through and teach me what it looked like because it felt really uncomfortable in the beginning. And it really calmed me down. It really worked. And I had this experience where she was, uh, she was out of town in a different country. And I was at work and something really horrible happened. Um, like life changing in my head. Everything is life changing in my head. And, um, it was a letter from the IRS, so it is life changing. And, uh, and it was so painful. And I was, uh, I had this event to go to that evening. It was a reunion with the girls that I used to play soccer with. You know, and the girls that I used to play soccer with, they know me as like a, you know, I'm the troublemaker. I came into the group and I tried to get everybody high before games. Um, I'm just, I'm flaky. I'm scatterbrained. I say I'm going to show up. I don't show up. I leave you hanging. That's their recollection of me because they hadn't seen me since I got sober. And we were having a reunion. I'm on the 405 in LA. I'm driving home with this letter from the IRS thinking my life is crushed. And I'm sobbing. I'm crying so hard the tears like shooting out of my eyes. And I like, that's what it felt like. I'm like, I couldn't see. Like my mascara's running. I'm like bawling on the freeway. I'm like, how, how am I going to go to this thing in two hours? How am I going to show up to this event tonight? And I go home and and my boyfriend is out of town. Like there was nobody. There was nobody around. You know, and I had this gut feeling like you can call a girlfriend, but they're just going to commiserate. We're going to bash the IRS together. I mean, what's that going to do? Like I just knew, my gut told me not to call a friend. And just this this knowing feeling came over. Like you need to pray and meditate. You know, you need to connect with God somehow. You know, because in my mind, my first go-to, you know, my defect would be to flake, to not show up, to lie, to make up an excuse to not be there. And, you know, again, living in steps six and seven, what are my defects and what's the opposite of my defect? And that, you know, I I went into my room, I lit my little candle, and I was like, I'm just going to sit here and breathe until I stop, you know, bawling and I stop crying. And I just prayed. I was like, God, please remove this anxiety from me. You know, it wasn't like, and the prayer wasn't, God, please make this not true, you know, make the IRS go away. You know, please pay my taxes for me. It wasn't any of that. It was, God, just please, you know, remove the anxiety. Remove the fear. You know, help me stop crying for five minutes so I can put on makeup. Help me show up and show them that I've changed and that I'm a different person today. And, um, and I did that. And I swear to God, I was sitting on my bed and I remember this so clear. You know, that anxiety and the fear, everything was just taken out of me. And this peace came over me and I was okay. I was able to get off the bed and go dress and do my makeup and go to this event and show up. You know, but that wasn't possible for me ten years ago. It just wasn't. You know, because I lived in my defects. I clung to them. You know, for me, I'm horrified of change because I don't know what it looks like when I do something different. You know, I can lie, I can cheat, I can steal, whatever it is, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to feel bad for a little bit. I might get caught. It might be uncomfortable in the moment. I might feel bad about myself later. But I know what that looks like. I didn't know what it looked like to show up and be a woman of my word until I did it. You know, and I'll wrap up by sharing like we had a lovely lunch with a new friend that we met today. And, you know, she was talking about being uncomfortable calling people. She said, I don't want to call anybody. And, you know, my experience the past seven years of my sobriety has been doing everything uncomfortable. Like if you want to grow and learn and have a spiritual experience, it's going to be so uncomfortable. Everything you do is uncomfortable. You know, and you just embrace that and you do it anyway. You do the things that make you uncomfortable until they're not uncomfortable anymore. You know, now I can call somebody. It's not uncomfortable. I can go talk to a newcomer. It's not uncomfortable. I can go have a conversation with my boss. You know, sometimes uncomfortable. You know, but the idea is that you just do this one day at a time and you practice no matter what. You put one foot in front of the other. You know, and you walk through the fear because the fear is always worse than the reality. It's always worse than the reality. And I want to thank you guys for listening to me today. Thank you. How about another hand for Gina and Stephanie?