The Real Alcoholic Can’t Find Their Way Home – Janice D.

Hi, my name is Janice Del Campo and I am an alcoholic. Hi everybody, how was dinner? Good. My hands are so sweaty. Thank you for inviting me here. Dan called, you were the first one who called me I think, right? And we had a nice visit. He makes me laugh a lot. He's a pretty funny guy. So we had a good visit and I was invited out here and I said, where is this? I'm back, I'm from Colorado. Those of you who don't know, Denver, it's snowing out there right now. And as a matter of fact, it snowed so hard Wednesday night. Thursday we closed the schools and Thursday Ed called me who has been my host and I said, I need to explain something to you. If it snows like this tonight, I don't get on the airplane Friday morning, okay? Because we were completely locked in, if you can believe it. We lost our peach orchards over there in Colorado during this weather, but you guys know about that, that happens here. So, but I'm delighted to be here. The weather's been perfect and I've met lots of nice people. I haven't even told a joke yet. I'm already laughing. Okay, I just want to mention Ed and Kathy were super hosts. They took really good care of me, picked me up at the airport on time. He had my name spelled right. I knew where I was going. Got me here safely. It was a good trip. And, but your hospitality has been superb. Guess why I'm here? Are you ready? I'm a real alcoholic. I'm a real one. I'm like Jerry. I'm one of those real ones. I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. I listened to Jerry talk today and I got tears in my eyes. We know some similar people and we've had some similar experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was telling his sweet wife, Gail, poor thing, she's got laryngitis. And we were having dinner last night and she's, you know, and I said, I have laryngitis, you know. And I said, most of my friends wish I did. So I've got this dry throat tonight a little bit and I might shut down in the middle of it, but knowing me, I'll push right on through. Okay? So, um, but, um, you know why I'm here? This is the role that he's assigned to me tonight. Is to come and visit with you. And it talks to us about being here to do the role that he assigns. And I was telling Ed a little while ago, because he said, ah, you'll knock him dead. And I said, well, what if I get up there and the message I get is he's changed my role and he really wanted me to make the coffee. He changed his mind, you know. And, uh, so the adrenaline's pumping a little, my hands are a little sweaty. Our book, I talk a lot about the book, and I like to tell people this right from the get-go. I'm a book-thumping son of a gun. And I make no bones about it. And so, and I also let people know that if that makes you uncomfortable, you're free to leave. I do not get offended anymore. I used to get offended. And I'm saying that lightheartedly. I mean, it's like, you know, I don't want to hear what she has to say. And that's okay. It's okay. But I have to say, I'm not going to do that. I have to tell my truth. Before I came down here, I opened a book that I like. A gentleman, a writer that I enjoy a lot. And I opened the book because, you see, sometimes when I go to give a talk, I always am pretty calm beforehand. And then I get in the shower and I start thinking about all the wonderful things I have to tell you and all the funny stories I have to impart. And I think, why are you doing this? You're not going to tell them any of that. I mean, it never turns out the way you think it's going to. So it's like, never. You know, I've got to be sure and tell them this. I've got this funny story and I've got this. And it doesn't happen that way. And so right before I left the room, I got a message. And I opened this book. And the book and the inside, it was on integrity. It had to do with telling the truth about who we are no matter what. And I went, damn, I think that's the role I've been assigned tonight. So the front of our book, actually, our book tells us that our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we're like now. In a nutshell, what I used to be like was I couldn't find my way home. I stayed too long at the fair. And that's what I used to be like. You know, and I went to I want to welcome all the Al-Anons who are here. I'm sure you all are sick of us talking all the time. But I went to an Al-Anon workshop today and I was listening to this lady talk. It was a great workshop. And she was talking about how she kept thinking her husband was going to get home in an hour or two or three or four. And then when he did get home, she wanted to kill him because he was late. But prior to his getting home, she was all worried about whether or not he was dead or a car accident or something had happened. The minute he drives in, you know you want to say, stab him. And I thought about that. And I thought, you know what, I really wanted to get home. I really meant to be home at 7 for dinner. I meant to do that. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't understand that that was alcoholism. When I said that I was going to the bar for a drink after work, I really thought I was just going for a happy hour. I thought I was going to have a couple of shooters and go home. You know? And that's not how I drank. That's not how I drank. Once I got alcohol in my system, I was there until the bar closed. You know? And then he would call, you know, from home and I'd say, honey, I'll be home. Swear to God, I'll be home about 8 or 9 o'clock. You know, I'm here with the girls, we're just listening to some music. Just a couple more drinks. You know? And then you get another call around 11. And you go, you know what, I don't really give a damn what you think. Okay? Because I'm here drinking. So what a real alcoholic is, a real alcoholic is someone who can't find their way home once they start to drink. You know? So I need to qualify just a little bit, and that's about my first step, is how do I know that I'm an alcoholic. I'm of the strong belief that if I don't know what my problem is, I don't need a solution. Alright? You see, we laugh, but the truth is, if you don't know what the problem is, there's no way out. Gotta be able to identify the problem specifically and realistically. So I know what's wrong with me. And I'm gonna tell you tonight what's wrong with me. There are a lot of things wrong with me, but I'm gonna tell you a couple of them. Um, the way that I know that I'm a real alcoholic too, and this was explained to me later. See, I just behaved like this all my life. Not thinking anything was really terribly amiss. I knew I drank a lot, but I didn't quite understand that it was the alcohol that was the problem. How many of you remember your first drink? Remember it? Yes. You know, I listened to Jerry describe his first. I remember my first drink. I was 15 years old. It was my sister's wedding. And, um, my brother ordered me a Tom Collins. And I remember taking that drink. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. Um, I took it and it hit here. And I was thinking about how Jerry described it. And the truth is, I got warm and I got cuddly and I had a spiritual experience when I had that first drink. Now, and I knew right then that I had found a solution. And I didn't know to what because I didn't know what the problem was. But I knew that I felt better. You know, and this is someone, as I talked to you too, that we talked about our alcoholism beginning a long time ago when I first took a second step with my current sponsor. He said, for the sake of argument, you were insane the second you were born. We're not going to talk about when insanity started, okay? You were insane from the get-go. But this is a woman who, when I was 8 years old, I was walking home from school one day. We had just bought a new house. And, uh, walking home from a, I went to a Catholic school. And I was walking by myself and on the way home I started thinking that everybody would have moved and not told me where they went when I got home. So things weren't quite right when it started. But, uh, that drink made me feel better. And the way it made me feel was tall, blonde, and buxom. It was great! So I had that first drink and like any good budding alcoholic, what I did after that was said to my brother, what? Order me another drink, right? And I had a second drink. And that's what alcoholics do. Is the first drink just isn't quite enough. You gotta have that second drink. There's that thing that goes off inside of me. Prior to my first drink at 15 years old, um, I was sedated at the age of 13. I had a brother that was killed in a car wreck when I was about that age and it was pretty difficult to deal with. My family didn't do well with it and I was termed, had emotional problems. My dad was a doc and his best friend was a psychiatrist. And so the way that that was dealt with was that they put me on medication to deal with these emotional problems I had. I was on Stilazine, I did Elavil and Dalmine. And, um, about 13, 14 years old. So I was sedated pretty early on. I come from an alcoholic home, um, as so many of us did. It was a joyful occasion. And, uh, I didn't understand that it was alcoholism. I thought it was entertaining. That's what we did. We had big parties. And a lot of them. We had a lot of people over and there was just drinking. There was always alcohol in my house and I thought that's how people lived. Um, anyway, my mom, at that time what they did, um, God love her, she ended up on secondals after my brother died. That kept her mellowed out. And so mom used to drink got you old-fashioned and take secondals. It's a very dangerous combination when you talk about being a chemical engineer. It was a pretty chemically engineered family. And, um, but it was, uh, it was very sad to watch because her alcoholism had been moving along for quite some time and at that time it just absolutely took off full blast. When mom wasn't happy being here she'd take an awful lot of secondals. And I was raised in a household where, you know, I would come home sometimes after a date and she would be passed out on the floor, dying from an overdose of drugs. And we'd be pumping her stomach, getting her to the hospital, that kind of stuff. And so that was the atmosphere in which I was raised. If you don't like what's going on, you just get out. That's what happens. And God bless her. My mom died when she was about my age than I am now. She was 47 years old. And, uh, they say it was heart attack, there's all kinds of names for it, but when we sit and talk with the family it was complications from alcoholism and drug addiction. And that's what happens to us here when we're not treated. And that's the truth. It's not a sob story. I'm not here to get tears from you. It's the truth about how we're raised. And a lot of us lived in those kinds of households. And I know that. And, uh, so anyway, when I was about 18 years old I was turned on to, uh, the great world of drugs. And I talk about drugs in my talk. I understand this is Alcoholics Anonymous, but I also came here through another fellowship and I thought for some time that I was a drug addict. I'm not a drug addict. I'm an alcoholic who takes drugs to enhance my alcohol experience. Okay? So that means one or two of you have done speed too, right? We called them diet pills back then. Yeah. I was making diet pills. Gotta take a few pounds off. And, uh, that when they But when I got my first diet pill was on a day that I had a hangover. I was working at a radio station and this disc jockey came up to me and said, you don't look very good. I said, I don't feel very good. He said, I have something here that'll make you feel better. I said, great. And it was a little green capsule. See how I did that? It was a little green capsule. That's what it felt like. But I remember my first hit of speed, my diet pill, like my first drink. And when it hit, it was a little green capsule. And when I took it and that thing took off, it was time released, a little Pepsi-Cola helps, um, there is no hangover. It's gone. Instant hangover is gone. This amphetamine stuff is remarkable. And so what I discovered was a drug that was going to allow me to, uh, drink more alcohol. And drink a lot. And I could stay up late and, um, I was a great date. I was a lot of fun. And as we go along, I'm sure you're going to believe that. Um... So anyway, that same psychiatrist, I just adored him. Um, really a nice man. And he really liked me. And the problem was he trusted me. And, um, I used to have an open prescription for Valium from him because, as you can see, I'm pretty high strung. And so I just said, I'm high strung. And he goes, yeah, you're right. So I got Valium. And, um, and then once I went to them, my dad died when I was 21. I went back to the psychiatrist and I said, I am so depressed. I mean, you can't even imagine. I can't seem to get to work. I'm just so depressed. I've had this horrible life. Everybody's dead. I mean, God. It's horrible. He says, well, what do you think you need? I said, well... I said Dexamil 30 milligrams would be really nice. And you know what? He gave them to me. Now, I'm sure nobody else in here has ever scammed a doc for drugs. Am I right? You know what it's like when you run out too quick? It's a terrible feeling. And you gotta go back and you're scamming in your line and you're doing your deal. And the guy caught me. He knew what the deal was about. I have made that amend. But then I found a pharmacist later on, uh, in a other part of town that would just get me my speed anytime that I wanted it without any questions and without a prescription. There's some benefits that come along with being a doctor's daughter. People trust you. They think you know what you're doing. Um, with drugs or something. They're crazy. Um, so that's a little bit about my drinking, a little bit about my background. I'm not gonna... I don't think I'm gonna talk about that a lot. What time did I start? Huh? You know what? You wanna know what the difference is between me and Jerry? When he realizes his time is running out, he very politely closes. When I realize I'm running out, I talk faster. I do. It's like, oh boy, we got a lot more to go here. I have a lot to tell ya. That's my background, a little bit. No more sob stories, no stuff. Okay? We've all been through it. We know what it's about. You know, and the truth is, I ended up... I gotta tell you where I was raised. Oh, I'm a Yankee. I was born in Massachusetts. My mom was from Rochester. You guys had a great aunt that died ten years ago in Utica. They had like 35 years of sobriety. You know, and uh, and we're not a real close family, so I was never out here to visit, but she was a neat gal. We were talking on the phone at the time. Uh, close to her death and stuff, we got to know each other, and she died shortly after that. It's real unfortunate I didn't get to know her better. But I was raised in Texas, and I was raised in a border city near, uh, Mexico. And I flew up to Denver once, and you could drink really cheap in Juarez. And, uh, really cheap. And, um, I partied all through high school and all that. But anyway, I flew up one weekend in my late 20s up to Denver. And, um, fell in love with it. Have any of you been out there? It's pretty, isn't it? It's beautiful. It's beautiful here too, but Denver's beautiful. Have you ever been to El Paso, Texas? Oh, baby. We paint our grass green in the summer because it is so hot the water doesn't help. Okay? And so, we have rocks in the yard. That's what summer looks like in El Paso. And, um, so I flew up to Denver and it was beautiful. Parks and it was just fabulous. And people in Colorado look really healthy. They, um, they ride a lot of bicycles. They roller blade. They're just healthy people. You know, I mean, it's a John Denver Mountain High kind of place. And, uh, they're into running and walking and climbing and doing and biking. And I looked at them and I said, you know what my problem is? I would not be hanging out in these country western bars hanging out, doing this stuff if I lived someplace where people were healthy. The problem is they're not healthy in El Paso. They don't ride bicycles. So what I need to do is I need to move to Denver and start riding a bicycle and everything's gonna be okay. So, of course, I made my great geographical, been there almost 20 years. And, uh, if I needed to go there I guess to get sober. But, um, I never rode a bicycle. I never bought, well, I can have one now. But, never got on a bike. But I did move into the mountains and try to be a mountain lady for a while and do the Rocky Mountain High kind of thing. It was great and they have great bars in the mountains. This is not a story, a horror story. I didn't live out of my car. I didn't write bad checks. I haven't used bad credit cards. I've not been to jail. I've not been picked up on a DUI. Okay, so I'm not here to tell a horror story. I'm here to tell a story about alcoholism and the recovery there from. And, um, that, um, the way I figured out too that I was alcoholic, I remember once, uh, and this was when I was sober, you guys, and I'm gonna describe alcoholism as I understand it for me. I was sober several years, as a matter of fact. And I was talking with someone one day and I remembered an incident how a friend of mine had called me on a Sunday, uh, in the morning and said, let's go over to the Oak Alley, which is a bar, and have a couple glasses of wine and shoot some games of pool. And the first thought in my mind was, what do I have to do for work on Monday and do I have any speed? That's alcoholism. That's alcoholism because I knew, I didn't know why I knew, but I knew that once I got to that bar and had a glass of wine, I would be there until the bar closed. And I knew that I'd be so hungover that I would barely be able to get to work on Monday, and I better have some speed, or else I wasn't gonna show up at all. And I knew that. The last pattern of my life ended up being, once I started doing that speed, when I was 18 years old, see, I'd get up in the morning, and I'd take speed to get over a hangover. And I'd go to work, always had good jobs, go to work, work all day. Five o'clock in the afternoon, I'd go meet girlfriends for a few drinks, right? So about eight o'clock, you're coming down from the speed, you need to take some more speed so you can drink some more, and you don't want to pass out. The bar closes at 2 a.m., and it's so high from taking all that speed, you gotta go to sleep, so you gotta take some Valium so you can go to sleep. And you get up in the morning, and you take some speed, and you go to work, and you drink, and you take more speed, and you take Valium. That's how I lived. Did you ever see that movie, All That Jazz? You get up in the morning, you say, Showtime. And that's what that's about. And that's how my life was. So how did I find my way here? Somebody checked me into a treatment center, my boss. He brought me the 40 questions one day. I was in bad shape. You ever want to 12-step somebody the right way? Make sure they're in bad shape, and hand them those questions. And I answered it honestly, and I had 29 out of 40 yes. He checked me in treatment. And that's back when treatment centers were a really big deal, you know, insurance companies wanted to pay for all of them. Had a good time, hung out for about a month, they fed me well, got to figure out what I wanted to eat for breakfast, all that sort of stuff. And I didn't learn a lot about alcoholism there. And as I was getting out of that treatment center, they told me to make a plan about what I was going to do and where I was going to go to meetings. And I said, Don't worry about me, I'll stay sober. They said, No, we'd really like you to have a plan. And I said, Well, I've got a meeting place right down the street from where I live, and I'll get there. To make a long story short, I checked into treatment on December 30th of 1979 by Thanksgiving. Of 1980, I was feeling pretty lonely. I hadn't gone to a lot of meetings, feeling pretty miserable, wondering where all these new AA friends of mine were, why they weren't calling me and doing things with me even though I wasn't at meetings. Have any of you been to York Street in Denver? It's a landmark, it's a great place. I went in there and I'm going to tell you something. I looked at those people and I went, these people are really alcoholics. And I'm a doctor's kid and I'm really nice and I don't belong here, okay? I mean, York Street is, I mean, you want to talk about getting sober, you come to York Street in Denver, Colorado. But it scared me, and I thought, I don't want to be like that. So, the story I have to tell you now is at the end of that year, I was lonely and I was miserable, and my friends were real proud of me about what I had done so far, but nothing good was going on. So I went back to hang out with old friends. And my old friends were in bars. And that's where they were. I ended up doing cocaine. That's what I ended up doing after a period of time of hanging out with these people. And here's how my mind works, is that I told myself since it wasn't Johnny Walker, Red on the Rocks, since it wasn't Speed, and since it wasn't Valium, it was okay. And I believed it. And I say this, and in Alcoholics Anonymous, because we don't talk about total absence here. Somebody said AA stands for absolute abstinence. That means we don't smoke dope on weekends. Okay? I want to say that, because I come from a fellowship of absolute abstinence. That's where I started. And that kind of thinking led me to believe that it was okay to be doing cocaine. And I was out doing cocaine for five months. What happened to me after that was that I had the ultimate second. And when God spoke to me, I knew I was dying. Once again, it didn't take long for it to happen. And it ended. I haven't had a drink or a drug since May 3rd, 1981. And, uh, but the point in the talking about the drugs, and I share this, is that we don't get to take a Valium to take the edge off. I don't get to do that today. You know? And I was taught that when I got here. Absolute sobriety is absolute sobriety. So, I got here, and at that time I became willing to do whatever it would take to stay sober. We talked about the first step as a pretty simple thing. I was a drug dealer. You know, um, I am absolutely powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable. And what's unmanageable is how I view the world. The unmanageability wasn't a bad checkbook or the rent. It wasn't about all that stuff. You know, that wasn't necessarily what the problem was. I hear a lot of people talking here about their consequences around alcoholism, and we're regaled with many stories about the things that we do, whether it's the DUIs or whatever it is. Alcoholism is about how I drink. And the way I drink is when I put alcohol in my system, there's going to be more alcohol. And when I want to stop or moderate, I can't. I may want to with all my heart, and I'm unable to do it. I may even want to do it for you, you know? And I might want to do it for my job, and I might want to do it for a presentation, and I might want to do it for all these reasons. I can't stop once I put alcohol in my system. The other thing that happens is when I don't have alcohol in my system, I can't not put it in my system based on this thing here. Because my mind tells me that somehow, someway, the next time, it's going to be different. That next time won't be as bad. You know what happens? I wake up in the morning with a hangover that's so bad I'm stinking of Johnny Walker Red. I feel terrible from all the drugs. I don't really always know where I've been the night before, and I go, you know what? I am never going to do this again. Never. I don't ever want to feel this way again. Any of you ever said that? Never. Not going to do it. Right? That's about, hmm, 7 30, 8 o'clock in the morning. 2, 3 o'clock afternoon, I change my mind. Right? It's gone. It's like, oh, what the hell? You know? I don't even, or what's worse than that, I don't even think about it. Well, see, that's the obsession of the mind. That's what's unmanageable, is this thing right here. This thing has got to get fixed, because I don't think right. And I got here not thinking right. The other thing, too, is that not all my drinking was terrible. I didn't have a terrible time the whole time. It was actually fun for a while. There were, we get, oh, it's horrible, you know, and I tried to quit 80 million times, and I just hated it. I loved it. I mean, in the beginning, I loved drinking. I loved partying. I loved everything that went with it. But something really strange happened. It was during the course of loving it, and I don't know when, I don't know if I was 22, 24, 26, I don't know where I was, but at some point in my drinking career, I stepped across the line. The book talks about that some of us actually may have the ability to quit before it's too late. Quick story. I got a story. I have this friend that was doing a men's workshop, big book workshop, and he called me during the course of one of their sessions, and said to me, Janice, we're all sitting around talking about this one line about we can sometimes quit if we have the, in enough insufficient time, right, or whatever the line is, and he said, when is that? And I said, honey, if you guys are in the big book, it's too late. Don't worry your pretty little heads about it, okay? Just go on with where you're at and just do what the book says, okay? I mean, who cares, all right? You're gonna go back and relive it? It's over. And so maybe I was one of those. I don't think so. I was a budding alcoholic from the get-go. So maybe my story sounds a little familiar to you. I wanted to quit and couldn't, but the truth, I also didn't go to a bunch of places to try and quit. I figured I was gonna die drunk like my mom did. I didn't try to quit a lot, you know, except in the morning when I didn't feel good. You just find the right drugs and you feel better. You know? And that's what a first step's about. If you don't know whether or not you have a problem with alcohol, a real problem with alcohol, see the book describes different kinds of drinkers. The book describes moderate drinkers. Do you know what, they're the ones that Jerry was talking about, about Sweet Gale. They just pick up a drink, put it down, they're like done. Or they get tipsy. I have a sister-in-law that's like that. She has a half a glass of wine and she feels sick. And I go, well, what kind of sick do you feel? I mean, how does it feel to feel sick on a half a glass? I mean, you know, what are you talking about? Now, they gave her pain medication for some surgery she had had and she called me and she said, oh, I hate this stuff. I said, why? And she said, well, I just feel so out of control. And I thought, I don't understand that. That's not how I drink and do drugs. You know? But if you don't know, I'm going to share something here. It may sound a little controversial. It may not, but I'm going to share it. There's some people in Alcoholics Anonymous who aren't alcoholics. Oh, no. Oh. I hear people take a breath. You know what? That's cool. We are wonderful people. And when I first heard that several years ago, I said to the person who said it to me, I said, well, what a stupid thing to say. What do you mean that people here aren't alcoholics? Why in the world do you know? You know? Why in the world would anybody come here that wasn't an alcoholic? Because we're neat people. And we're neat to hang out with. And we're on a spiritual path. And we're going somewhere. And we're doing something. We're fun to hang out with. We're crazy. Most of us are living on borrowed time and shouldn't be here anyway. You know? I am. Are you? You know? That's the truth. That's why I get up here and tell you what I have to tell you. Time's short. We may not pass this way together again. This may be my only opportunity to visit with each and every one of you. You know? But the truth is, some of us aren't alcoholic who may even be in this room. And that's okay. I'm not talking to you. If you don't understand, no, I didn't mean it that way. What I mean is, if I don't make sense to you, we're not speaking the same language. I'm speaking to people that are real alcoholics who may be dying in this room that need a solution and a way out because there's a way to live here. Our book says that we see our way of living has its benefits for all. And it does. But alcoholism is about following directions. Recovery from alcoholism is about following directions that are in the book. The very, the, um, preface to the first edition, in the very first paragraph, says it, how one hundred men and women who have recovered, recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Not who are in recovery, not who are recovering, who have recovered. And it says to show you precisely how we have recovered is the purpose of this book. That's pretty darn clear. That's the first paragraph. There's a promise that we'll be recovered. It also talks, everybody goes, oh, this is a suggested program. I've read that a couple different ways. Um, there are, there's several different ways to get sober. Some people go to church and get sober, and some may find it through the medical profession, and some people may just quit drinking. I mean, I don't know. But there are a lot of ways to do it. And Alcoholics Anonymous is a suggested way to recover. So once you get into the book, there are not very many suggestions in there. What it says is if you accept this suggested program, right, this is exactly what you better do, and if you don't do it, you're gonna drink. That's what it says throughout the book. It actually tells us, you know, that if we don't do a fifth step, we're gonna drink. It tells us if we continue to participate in sexual behavior, the harm to others, we're gonna drink. If we remain cut off from the sunlight of the spirit through selfishness and self-centeredness, we're gonna drink. And it tells us if we fail to enlarge our spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, we're gonna drink. That's pretty specific. Doesn't sound like a suggestion to me. You know, and it doesn't say, oh, listen, if you feel like it, on Tuesdays, you can do the even numbers. Okay? It doesn't say that. You know? So it's a pretty specific thing. And you know why I have to have it by the numbers? Because I'm an undisciplined, sick alcoholic. And so it's written by numbers. It's in numerical order. It's really remarkable. And it's done that way for a specific reason. That recovered stuff, I love to tell this story. My sponsor, I have this wonderful sponsor. And if you don't have a sponsor, you might get another one. I mean that, you know? Because our lives depend on going through the work with somebody who's gonna take us through the work in a precise manner. It's gonna save our lives. And I have a great sponsor. And we were talking about being recovered. And I said, are you recovered? And he said, yeah, I am recovered. I said, well, how do you know? He says, well, because I am. And I said, well, am I? He says, I don't know. Are you? And I said, well, I don't know. And I said, well, how am I gonna know if I'm recovered? And he says, when you are. They're not funny. They think they're funny. Okay? They're not funny. And you know how I got this sponsor? My first five years are sort of a blackout here. I was, uh, my heart was so real. I really wanted to be sober. I did a ton of service work. I did go through the steps. I don't remember them. But God knew I wanted to be sober more than anything else in the whole world. And I was coming up on about five years of sobriety. And, uh, I was insane. Okay? You can imagine me any more insane than this. He tells me I've calmed down. Um, and I went to hear somebody speak. And I was sitting there, and I was nuts. It was like my skin even itched. I knew that I didn't fit in my skin. And I knew that I was a sprinter and not a long distance runner. And I knew I was in trouble, but I didn't know why. And I went, and I heard this person speak, and I didn't know much about him. And this person shouted great tidings from the podium. And he said, I never had to feel that way again. I never had to drink again. And that if I was lucky, I would have people in my life that would allow me to make my own mistakes. And I heard that and spoke to my heart. I know a lot of people don't agree with men working with women, et cetera. I was five years sober, and I also had a female sponsor at the time. But I started calling this person because I knew I wasn't a good sponsor. And I didn't feel like I had enough information to work with others. And it's because of the experience I had had. All I can share is my experience. It says in the book that he was sober, and he was drinking. the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it so what that means is this has to become my experience in order to sit with you and to share this with you i had i have to have done it and so i would call this this person and say um you don't know me but if you had a sponsoree who called you and asked you da da da da what would you tell them and he would tell me what he'd tell him i'd go thanks click so about a week later i'd call him saying um this is me again and what if they asked you da da da da what would you tell them and he'd say well this okay click so one day i called and i asked him and i said what would you do in this circumstance he says well i'd do with them what i do with any newcomer and i said well what is that what do you do he says well i sit down with them and i started in the very first page and we read every word in the book and we do everything the book tells us to do we do that together i said really i said um would you do that with me and he said you bet and there were some rules that were laid out about having a female sponsor etc what happened in that experience was a big book of alcoholics anonymous came alive for me what happened in that experience was at five or six years of sobriety somebody explained to me what was wrong with me they didn't just sit down and say you're a nutcase they said let's open this book you can be recovered that was pointed out to me let's look at the doctor's opinion we read every word in the doctor's opinion together and i asked questions and things were explained to me i knew then what the phenomenon of craving was i knew then too if i have to work all day how do i close the door and sometimes i hear the signal of the clinic how does he know me now says no i think my brain doesn't ever really know me i see myself not as good at breathing i think i'm coal juice in me now thinking if you didn't ever move you could have told you in aqualified a while i'm in that planningLED come in at this time do you get nobody help i'm in the things you were saying i i'm trying to do as i've been trying posing that i'm trying to do it i'm trying to avoid intense groups and it Ronnie Kemp wanted to scream and gave me something to do you know through that i had to hold his throat and i was maybe finish if i don't let the communication in way that we're dancing or i go get to work you know i hear those kinds of stuff every once in a while asking me but i communicate the phone over the confidence of another alcoholic when everything else will fail there's a reason for that we speak the same language we speak the language of the heart we speak the language of alcoholism so if you're sitting down talking with someone and you're not connecting you may not have the same disease so when i started this out and said you know gotta know what the problem is to even find a solution you gotta know if you've even got it to find out if you need a god to take care of it you see lack of power is my dilemma i am powerless over alcohol i have an inability not to drink i have an inability not to be able to moderate or stop and i'd better find a power in the chapter to agnostics it says to us that to live by spiritual principles or die an alcoholic death is not an easy choice to make who but an alcoholic would do this you're dying you know it's i mean you can be facetimed in jail you know losing your family we're losing everything i can't even take a bath you know and somebody comes to me and says i got a way out for you i got a way out that's more joyous and wonderful than anything you could imagine but you're going to have to do a few things right who else but us would go i need to think about it you know it says that's not a joke guys this is not an easy choice to make because you see my life is a lot easier than it is for me and i can't even think about it it's not my life the room that is my room is no longer mine it's god's see i like thinking it's my life so when we talk about the chapter that we agnostics it says lack of power that's my dilemma we had to have a power which would solve our problem but where are we going to find it you know what the book says that's the purpose of this book the purpose of the book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem that's the purpose of the book now if that isn't clear and that didn't even sound like a suggestion does it That's the whole purpose of the book, is my spiritual experience with a God personal to me that's going to stop this crazy alcoholism stuff. That's pretty neat stuff. That's shouting great tidings to me. If you're a real alcoholic, you're hearing what I'm telling you. And if you're a newcomer that's sitting in this room, I watch people as they sat down through the sobriety countdown, hear this, really good. There's a way out, and we never have to drink again. But we've got to find people who understand what the solution is and how to work that and be able to do that with them. And like our lives depend on it, because my life does. One of the agreements that I made here was that if somebody took me through the work, it's another thing I'll say, but is that I'm going to carry that message to other people. Because I can't carry something I haven't got. Otherwise, it's all just words on a page. So second step, you think you like a second step? I don't like the second step. I don't like it worth a darn most of the time. I've just come through two years of the ugliest two years of my life, and I've been sober a while. You know, I feel like I was in the darkest tunnel of my existence. And there were no stars to guide me. And I just feel like I was blown out of a wind tunnel just recently. Just came through the work again. I'm starting my ninth step when I get home. I made my eighth step list right before I got here. But when I was facing the second step, every time I go through the 12 steps, even today, I look at step one and say, am I really an alcoholic? Maybe I'm not. And you know the good way to find out whether I'm an alcoholic or not? Is to try some controlled drinking. You say that to a real alcoholic, you know what we say? Well, just go out and try a little controlled drinking. One drink a day, 30 days, see how you do. We say things like, how big a drink? People that don't have a problem with alcohol go, no problem. Right? We go, well, let's say I don't want to drink the one on Monday. Can I have that on Tuesday? You know? Can I have Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays on Saturday? And we start doing it. You know, come on. You know? Does that mean beer or scotch? You know? So that's how we find out. And I used to think, oh, I don't know. I think it was horrible. And people would say, I would hear people I really respect in the Alcoholics Anonymous. Somebody new would come up to them and say, I'm not sure. And they'd say, why don't you go out and try some controlled drinking? And I'd say, that's a terrible thing to tell somebody. How can you tell somebody? What if they die? Well, they might. But they also might find out what's wrong with them. And get back here so we can do something about it. Because if we don't know what the problem is, there isn't a solution. There's no way out. So my second step this time was very, very difficult. I had to ask those questions. God's either. Everything or he's nothing. You know? God either is or he isn't. And I went to my sponsor. I mean, we've been together 10 years. And he made me make a list of what I saw my God to be. And it was not pretty. Okay? I had a couple things on the good side. And on this side, it was nasty, nasty, nasty. He said, we need some serious adjustment here. You know? So God either is or he isn't. I said, I can do that. I'll do that. No problem. God is. Right? Is he everything or is he nothing? I said, can't do that. I just can't even. I don't even want to deal with it. And he goes, well, wait a second. If God is, then he can't be nothing, right? Tricky, tricky. Okay? So he's everything. You just don't know what everything is. And I went, you know what? That was very smooth. Very smooth. Because I was very angry. I was angry at God. Life just really hadn't turned out for me the way I thought it should with X amount of time of sobriety and service work and all that. Some of us get there sometimes, you know? What we get here isn't the stuff that we think we're supposed to get. We get the job that he gives us. And I may not always like that. You know, I listen to Jerry talking about going out and earning money and doing stuff. I lost everything in the last year. Okay? And it's really easy to sit back and say, man, let's do some prosperity thinking. Prosperity thinking, great. You know? When you got a lot of money in the bank, prosperity thinking is terrific. But the truth is, when everything starts slipping away and you cannot control that and you're looking and going, I did not think I was dependent on money. Okay? Okay. Okay. I did not believe it until it was gone. And I went, ooh, my, we've got a problem here. So the last year has been a very, very interesting journey. But I'm finding out what the role is that he's going to assign. So in the second step, what's our choice to be? God either is or he isn't. The truth is, what's the choice? I mean, it's like we want to debate it philosophically or something occasionally. I mean, what is the, I mean, why debate it philosophically? I'm either going to die an alcoholic death or I'm going to believe in something other than myself that might get me into trouble. I'm going to believe in something that might get me out of this morass that might save my life. I don't even have to know what it is. The chapter to we agnostics is such a wonderful and exciting piece. It says, the world of the spirit is roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding. It is open to all who earnestly seek. Can't beat that with a stick, right? No matter what our belief systems are. And it tells us at the end of the chapter that the consciousness of your belief is sure to come to you. And that he will reveal himself and that the reality is deep down inside, but we don't even have to know what it is to get to the second step. Just to begin the process of saying, I can't handle this alcohol. What's insanity? Thinking the next drink's going to be different. That's insanity. We need to be restored to sanity behind alcohol. And we all think, I hear people go, are they thinking that the sanity comes in the second step? Sanity comes in the tenth step. It says by now sanity will have returned. That's like seven more steps I got to get to work. You know, I may not get that sanity until then. So then we come on a third step. You know, don't you think it's neat how the book is written that after the third step prayer, it says, because it's telling you what to say and how to do it and da da da da da. And then the paragraph after it says, we think well before taking this step. It's like a trick, you know, it's like the paragraph is after the prayer, you know. And then you go, oh, you mean I should have thought about it? We have time, you guys. We have a little time. It says we think well before doing it. It talks about selfishness and self-centeredness. That we think is the root of the problem. It talks about all the things that are wrong with me and how I behave. This inventory was a remarkable inventory for me, you know, and that we, it says that we can be like really sweet and kind and wonderful or demanding or whatever it is as the case deserves, you know, however much we want to impose our will on others. But the point is that we need to quit running the show. And it says point blank, we got to quit playing God. That's what it says. Got to stop playing God. It does not work. That's not a suggestion. It said. It doesn't work, you know. So God's now going to be the director and that's, that's, it's a tough decision to make. But what's my choice? Really? Once I'm there, what am I going to do? Run my life myself? You all heard the kind of mess I made in my life, you know. So I'm going to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand it. And we do this with somebody that we trust really well. That's what it says. And there's very specific words in that prayer and there's reasons for them being there because it describes exactly what we need to know that we're turning our will and our lives over to God. And we're not running the show. We're not running the show anymore. Have I always had a big experience in the Third Stead? Absolutely not. No. Kind of boring even. It's like, okay, where's, where's everything going to happen here? Well, it says, oh, no, no, no, no. We have to launch out on a rigorous course of action. Immediately. That's that darn inventory. Boy, I hated writing inventory this time. Maybe going to run up to your room tonight and write a little inventory just because you don't have anything else to do. And that's what we do on a Saturday night. We say, geez, I'm staying home tonight rather than watching TV. I think I'll just clean up my spiritual life. I hate it. But you know what I'm getting to hate more? It's the discomfort that comes from not doing it. Okay? That's nonsense. It's a waste of time. It's just we squandered hours that we could have used otherwise. I don't even know I'm going to get through the steps with you. Totally. And in talking about this, my most recent experience in the inventory, I am the most intolerant, judgmental human being I've ever met in my life. That's what I am. Okay? I'm surprised. You talk to me. I am. This is really a nasty deal. And if you all would just do what I want you to do, my life would be a lot easier. It really would. If you just behave and use the right fork, you know? I mean, it's just you want to talk about petty and nasty. You know? That's what my inventory is full of, is how you ought to behave the way I think. Judgmental and tolerant. Impatient, envious, jealous. That's all that stuff. I want what you got. You know? I'm not satisfied with what I've got. Not only that, you know why I lost my money and my house and all that stuff? Because I made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be hurt. I was irresponsible and a poor steward of the gifts that God had given me. And that's a fact of life. And I had to face that fearlessly on that piece of paper. The truth is I did it. Nobody else did it. I would love to tell you somebody else did it. And I'd go after them and kill them. They didn't do it. I did it. It's okay. It's okay. I'm doing better today. And I had a lot of illness last year. And I was very sad at God about that and about some things that happened in my life. And it's not his fault. He didn't do that to me. He didn't cause those physical things to happen. They just happened. They happened to all of us. And I'm just not very gracious when things go on. I'm really not. I've got a friend, a dear, dear friend of mine who has cancer. She's the most gracious, kind, wonderful human being. And I'm a whining son of a gun. That's what I am. Do you know? Because I think things ought to go my way. Got into the fear inventory. Before I was sitting here, fear, the evil and corroding thread, the fabric of our existence, is shot through with it. Sets in motion trains of circumstances. But didn't we in truth set the ball rolling? We think it ought to be classified with stealing. Fear. Oh, I love fear. Have you ever gone up to somebody and said, you know what? I'm in terrible fear today. And they look at you very piously and say, fear is lack of faith. You know, my hands are sweating. I want to puke. You know, I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. And that's your answer. You know what fear is? Fear is fear. That's exactly what fear is. And it happens right down to our toes. It starts right here and we feel it right here. And it's horrible. And fear kind of is for the lightweights. What I like to do in recovery is stark terror. You know? Stark terror. You know, you wake up in the morning with just stark terror and nothing's even happened yet. You know? That's what I like. My fear inventory, I was sitting here before I got up here to give this little talk. And my throat was really dry. And I'm going, oh, my God, I'm going to choke to death. Well, I thought, oh, that was on your fear inventory. But it was not removed in six or seven. So I was going to ask if anybody knew how to do the Heimlich maneuver. I think it is not gone yet. I would just tell them you need somebody who can help you. Is there a doctor in the house? But I had a lot of fears. A lot of fear of financial insecurity. A lot of fear, you know what, that this thing isn't going to work. When I went into the... Going into the steps this time. I'll tell you guys, I had a miscarriage last June. And it was a really difficult situation for me because of my age and some other things. And I was so bitter at God, I didn't want to live. And I knew that the light had gone out of my eyes. I was in such grief. And I don't remember that kind of pain. And I know now why women in the East wail. Do you know what I mean? Americans, we don't know how to grieve very well. We don't like to make noises, you know, because it doesn't look good. I wailed. And the kind of grief that I felt... I'm trying to get back to my home group. It was one of the hardest things I had to do was to climb up those stairs and go to my meeting on Friday night. And as I walked up there and I sat there, they were so kind and so loving to me. And they asked me to chair the meeting. I said, I'm not chairing this meeting. You've got to be kidding me. I don't even like the big guy, okay? I have nothing to say to you. And they said, sit down and chair. And I chaired. And you know what came out of my mouth, too? And I'll tell you this today. Do you know why I was there? It's because I don't know where else to go anymore. I have no place else to go. And the reason I feel that way is because I've had an experience in Alcoholics Anonymous through the 12 steps. Because it's the only thing I know that has saved my life. So as I was getting ready to go through those 12 steps again, I didn't go through them to feel better. They're not about feeling better. But I was shut off from God. I wasn't able to get any messages. My spiritual life was a mess. And I was dying inside. I was full of grief and anger. And it tells me that when I'm harboring those feelings, I'm shut off from the sunlight of the Spirit. And the insanity of alcohol returns. And I'm sure to drink again. And for us, to drink is to die. And I knew that I was in that place. And the only way out and the only way I know to do it is to go through the 12 steps. If you haven't had that experience, come with me and do it. Because the deal works. Once I've had the experience, I can't deny the experience, nor can I deny that it works. Because I've had it. I don't know what else to do. I get up here and I get really excited talking about recovery. There is no good reason, with some of the things I've done in recovery, for me to be standing here. I think I've been crazier sober than I was drunk. You know? I've done stuff in recovery. I've been in an abusive relationship. I've lost money, made money, done stuff crazy. I mean, I've been nuts. And I'm calmed down now. I am. I'm better. You know why I'm better? It's because I know how crazy I am. And it feels pretty good. But it told me this is a design for living which can solve all my problems. That means all my problems. This isn't just about the alcohol problem. Ultimately, it will be about the alcohol problem if I don't get it taken care of. It's about all my problems. I'm going to tell you a quick story. How far am I? Oh my! It barely moved. Whoa! I think you better get me a battery for this thing. I was... Shoot! Are you ready? I'll take my heels off and sit on the table. I went to give a talk once and I was really nervous, you know? I was getting sick to my stomach. I was shaking in the back of the room with a friend of mine and he knew how nervous I was. He said, oh look, honey. He said, if you get up here, and everything else fails, just get up and dance on the tables like you used to. You never know what'll happen. I was in a really unhealthy relationship and recovery. I had about six or seven years. It was insane. Really bad. A lot of anger and I was no day at the beach. I'm not blaming it on him. I'm a pretty frightening little Italian girl. And I got to see some ugly sides of myself but I was powerless to leave that relationship. I couldn't do it. We'd break up. We'd get back together. We'd break up. He'd move in. I'd move him out. And I mean, it was just... It was insanity. And I kept writing inventory on it all the way through it. And my sponsor said to me at one time, aren't you sick of writing on this? And he said, because I am really sick of listening to it. And I thought, that's your job, okay? I write. He listens. It gets fixed. That's the way it works, right? Boom, boom, boom, you know? I didn't get the subtleties of the conversation. So several years into this thing, and I mean, I'm talking. We're getting close to murder. I'm talking about murder-suicide. And we can laugh and joke, but I know that there are people out there doing stuff we shouldn't be doing when we're sober. It's really scary. And we don't know how not to do it. And the other thing was I didn't talk to people about it much. If anything is going on in your life that you feel isn't quite right, you know, and it's making you crazy, tell somebody. Because our lives depend on us telling the truth about what's going on in our lives. And because it almost cost me my sobriety. But one day, I'm driving home up the freeway, and I'm thinking, this is insanity. I've been in therapy. I know everything about it. I know what's wrong with my background. Why can't I get out of this deal? And I got a blast from the heavens. And it said, because you're beyond human aid. I did not have my own power. I did not have power within myself to walk away from that thing. It was like bingo. That's why he said, why do you keep writing inventory? I was writing inventory to fix it. I wasn't writing inventory because I was done with it. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to feel better. And I knew then that there was nothing I could do within myself to leave that relationship without God's help. I went home, and I wrote some inventory that was flat singing and dancing and stuff. It was great. And I knew then that I was going to get free. And when I finished fifth step in this inventory with him, I said, you know what? This is remarkable. I mean, look at this stuff. He said, honey, it is so remarkable, they built a whole fellowship around it. Do we know what that is? That's Al-Anon. Okay? That's the truth. Okay? But see, how do I think that I come in here a sick, no-good, dirty alcoholic with all this stuff, and all of a sudden, I'm not drinking, and I'm cured? You know, cured of emotional problems, cured of life, cured of all that? Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no. I've got some major living problems here. Major stuff. I'm twisted. I had an abusive childhood. I had a lot of stuff that went on. I'm going to tell you something else about that inventory I'll share with you. I don't know how far down the road we'll get tonight with everything. I have struggled with the issues with my father for 25 years. He has been gone. Okay? And he has hunted me from the grave. God love him. I'm unable to come to terms with things. I've been sober come next Saturday, about 16 years, if I make it to next Saturday. Not, I wasn't set for that. 16 years. I've been here. I've been writing inventory. And we think we're going to get cured right overnight? No. I think maybe, just maybe, in this inventory, I found the truth about my dad. And the truth was, I have an inability to forgive. I have an inability within me to go beyond and to let go of the past and to see him as in the four-step prayer about, God, this is a sick person. How may I be of service? Please save me from being angry. Thy will not mine be done. I was unable to do that. Because of my own power, I can't. And I had to get in a place where I'm able to forgive my dad. 25 years is a long time. 15 years in sobriety, struggling with an issue. But God knew in my heart I really wanted to be done with it. I did. And I think I'm going to get some freedom. So if any of you are stuck with something out there, anything is possible here through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I've got to know what my problem is in order to get there. See, that's at the bottom of everything. The fifth step, if you don't have a sponsor you trust, get one that you can. See, our lives depend on telling the truth. It says that we are to overturn every single little ruck and nook and cranny about our lives. And that means every filthy little detail. I'll tell you a quick story. When I was 12th step with this guy, at the very end, I said, oh, my God, this is it. This is when I tell you everything, right? And I was sweating, couldn't look him in the eye. And he said, yeah. And I'm thinking, oh, my God. And I told him something I had never told anyone in my life when I was 35, 36 years old. And I had my head down even. I couldn't look at him. And I said, is that sick? And he said, yeah, it is. And then he went, but let me tell you something I did once. And after that, I went, boy, that was really sick. But you know what I experienced? I know he didn't even think about it, didn't even know what it is. Can't remember if the conversation took place. And I saw such love in this person's face for me. Because you see, our stories were truly no different. And we all sit down together. Our stories are no different. But it's imperative that I not hide those pieces of myself, because it shuts me off from the sunlight of the Spirit. It's only God that stands between me and that next drink. This whole process is about having a God. That's what it's all about. It says that we were willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. And that's about having a spiritual experience. This is about having a God in my life. The thing that stands between me and the insanity of the next drink is God. And I've got to go through those steps in order to have that relationship with God. And in the fourth step it says we must face and be rid of the things that are blocking us. Blocking us from what? Blocking us from God. Because it's God that's going to save me in the strange mental blank spot. That's how it works. In six and seven we offer that stuff up. In eight we make a list. In nine we make amends. And I'm going through that because I've gotten a message to talk about the God part a little bit more. Because the truth is, this whole thing. You know, it used to be that when I was talking to a new person several years ago, I'd explain to him what the deal was. I'd say, you know, I'm a lawyer. We can take care of it. You've got to work the steps, whatever. And it's about God. They'd go, what? I'd say, it's about God. See, I thought that if I talked to them about God, they'd go away. Well, the truth is, if we don't talk to them about God, we won't know the truth. We can't come in through the back door. The truth is, this is about having a relationship with a higher power. And I'm like Jerry. I'm not into doorknob, chair, cake, house, God. Okay? And I may not like them very well. A lot. We have big arguments. I'm not a very good supplicant. I am like, you listen to me. And this is the way it's going to be. But those are the kinds of relationships I have with him sometimes. But we have a good one. He's my bud. And that's what I'm working on. Now, without that relationship, I am not protected from the strange mental blank spot. And so when we get through this work and we get through the steps and we get down the road, we get to 10, and 10 is full of promises. It says, by now, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. We will recoil from it like from a hot flame. We'll be placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We are not even going to think about it. That's a big promise for somebody who's sitting out there thinking they want to have a drink when they leave this place. Never have to feel that way again. But I can't do it on my own power. But it says in the 10th step that I've begun to have an experience with God. Begun at 10. But I'm to grow in effectiveness. Right? I'm to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And so I have to continue to go on. And there's much more work that I have to do. And I have to do it in 11 and in 12. 12 is about standing here with you tonight. People go, oh gosh, do you get to go do this a lot? I don't do it a lot. But you know what? It's a job. It's a job like making coffee. It's a job like anything. It's about the 12th step. That's what that's about. And when we've had an experience here, we promise to go carry that message to others. We don't get to like go home, get married, make babies stay home and bake cookies. I got no offense, but it's about carrying this message to other people who are dying of alcoholism. What comes out of this? And you know what? I get tired of carrying the message. I'm going to tell you a story. When I had that miscarriage, I was an angry woman. Boy, you wouldn't want to be around for several months. Okay? And the day after I went to an event and ran into a girlfriend of mine that I've known for 10 years that was going through the work. She was stuck between 8 and 9. And her sponsor had fired her. And I just have this thing in my heart for people stuck between 8 and 9. And it is not a good place to be. So we started talking. I said, come over. I'll talk with you. And I really didn't want to talk to her because I didn't want to talk to anybody ever again. I wanted to die. But I thought she was going to die. So I said, come on over. Boy, her 8th and 9th step was a mess. And I said, oh, honey, it's fine. Go take it to whatever. I'm sure. But if you want me to help you, this is not okay. She said, I want you to help me. I said, I don't want to help you. I said, I've just been, you know what I've been through. I don't know if I ever help anybody ever again. And this is the truth, you guys. I said, I don't have the energy. I don't have the time. And I don't care. I'm so angry at God. But you need help. You need to get someone to help you. She said, I want you to do it. And I said, well, you need to do this, this, and this before I'll help you. And you know what she said? Okay. And I said, no, you don't have to do that. I'm just telling you that if we're really going to do it, that's what you need. She said, I'll be back in three weeks. I said, well, I'm going to tell you that I meet with people once a week for an hour. If you're late one time, don't ever come back to my house again. Okay. You know what I'm going, oh, man. And you know what? In three weeks, you know what she did? She showed up at my house. And she showed up every week, and we sat in that book, and we read every page and every word. And there were weeks she would come to my house, and I'd be sitting on the couch staring at the television set hoping I was dead. The doorbell would ring, and I would open it and look at her like, I want to kill you. And she would say, you're not happy I'm here, are you? And I'd say, no. No, I'm really not. And she'd say, let's go. And we'd sit down at the table. And we'd read, and it was a great hour. For that hour, I was removed from whatever it was that was going on. I'm going to tell you something. She's now finishing up her ninth step. I'm doing a ninth step. And I thought for so long that my service work was about you guys. No, it's not. She saved my life. We're dear friends and had been for ten years. And I don't even know if she knew how important it was that she be in my house every week. Because you guys taught me that that's what I must do here. That's my job. That I must show up even when I don't want to. And that's the truth. I'm not kidding you at all about it. And as the months went on, I began to feel better. And she was there every week. It wasn't for her. It was for me. She saved my life. And that's what we get here. The other thing I get is I don't have a lot of family. I have a lot of family, but we weren't a very close family. So it says, what we used to be like, what happened, what we're like now. And I'm going to tell you a quick one. Here's the answer. My older brother, I was raised, we were six kids. My older brother used to say that, well, I have five brothers and sisters, but my sister Janice is an only child. So that will tell you who I was right from the beginning. But I was always kind of on my own. I have a family now. I'm in business with my older sister in Denver. And my little sister, who I hadn't talked to in years, she and I visit every week on the telephone, sometimes two and three times a week, and she might be moving to Denver. We hadn't talked in years. And I have a little brother who's lived in Denver for 20 years, like me. And we've seen each other maybe four or five times. And just in the last two months, he called me about a couple months ago and just wanted to talk late at night. My little brother drinks. And we would just visit late at night, and I would talk with him. And one night he called me, and he said he'd had a couple of those scotches that we liked. And he said, you know what, he said, I don't know who else to tell you this to. He said, but I think I've got a problem with alcohol. And this is a brother that hated my guts. And I didn't jump on the bandwagon. I didn't say, oh, honey, get on over here. I've got some things to tell you. I said, well, you know what, sweetie? I said, if you've got a problem with alcohol and you want to do something about it, you give me a call. And I said, because I've got some guys I'd like you to talk to. And you know what he says to me all the time now? You're so different. I can't believe how different you are. You know? And it makes me want to cry. This is a guy who hated my guts. You know, those are the kinds of things that I have here. You know what else I have here? I buy toilet paper 24 rolls at a time. Because I can't. I have a jar full of quarters. I'm broke, but I've got a jar full of quarters. And I'll probably hoard it now, God. It'll probably make me give that up, too. But I buy a lot of toilet paper. My cats are fed. My dog is fed. Their shots are current. I took a shower today. You know? You know what? I took two. Now that I think about it, I'm obsessive. I didn't have a razor. I lost my razor last night. It was so weird. But those are some of the things I have. But you know what the biggest thing is I have? I have a relationship with God. That's what I have. I'm not the perfect person all the time. It's not the perfect relationship all the time. I get angry at Him, and I know He's not always just tickled pink with me. You know? Because I'm pretty self-willed. And I get to do life on a daily basis. When I was coming up on ten years of sobriety, when I first got sober, this is how cool I am with God. I said, okay, I'll tell you what. Now that I've figured out what this is about, God, I'm going to make you a deal. I said, I'm going to stay sober ten years. Screw this day-at-a-time stuff. I'm going to stay sober ten years, and at the end of ten years, I have a Johnny Walker Red on the Rocks. Okay? And he went, okay, sure, whatever you want to do. So I was coming up on ten years, and I'm in therapy for, oh, it was weird, you know, childhood abuse and all this stuff. And I was ending that abusive relationship. I was coming up on ten, and I'm sitting there with this woman, and all of a sudden I remembered I said that. I went, oh, my God, you're not going to believe what I said when I got sober. So I told her, and she said, oh, my. She said, well, let's talk about that. She said, well, how do you feel about it? I said, well, I'm not going to believe it. I'm going to believe it's good. And I said, my life isn't a whole lot better. And she said, what are you going to do about it? And I thought for a minute, and I went, you know what? You know what I got here? I got the ability to do life when it ain't so good. That's what I got, because I've got a God in my life today. Some days are good. Some days aren't so good. Sometimes I'm happy, and sometimes I'm not. I listen to him talk about depression. I do serious depression. I mean serious. I didn't set to beat the band, you know? I know about depression. And I also know about joy. I know about loving people, and I know about wanting to choke ya. You know? I get to do life. I get to feel the full gambit of emotions here. And I have a God that directs me. If I do precisely what I've been given here to do, I get to live life. And I get to live it without drinking alcohol. If you have a problem with alcohol, and you don't know what to do about it, I think there are a lot of people in this room that do the work. You might want to talk with them about it. be glad to talk with you after the meeting it talks about journeying on the broad highway the truth is there are some of us it talks about the fellowship of the spirit the fellowship of the spirit is not potlucks the fellowship of the spirit is having a common experience in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous it's about understanding the process of being recovered if you're not recovered and you want to be recovered there's a way to do that today I can tell you I'm a recovered alcoholic my sponsor was right I would know when I was because today I don't suffer with active alcoholism my life is relatively pretty good my business is running you know I'll probably be able to eat tomorrow thank you for feeding me while I was here okay but I would love to talk with any of you after this group one of the things I hope is that the person that stands here before you tonight is the same person you'll meet if you'll come to Denver Colorado and I welcome and invite you to my home group which is the happy way group we say the happy way group what a stupid name do you think maybe it's the happy way that's how it's supposed to be the happy way you know there's only once a week meeting nine involve the best promotesACA students and engineers get the ville one of our farmers who work during the businessола fairs is a place that has relationships that kind of drive me when I was at one stand the few men and women that came on the staff selected by me are sets up rather than a strong formula of because I did anything just my mouth moments and my mouth and my needs are in the hands of the staff my flow of complete 건데aval that's why I'm in comprising what's next opportunity in a workshop it's a remarkable thing it really is I didn't know those words were in that book I thank you for inviting me out here and hope to get to talk to you some after the meeting thanks