The Real Alcoholic Can’t Find Their Way Home – Janice D.

About This Speaker Tape

A Tom Collins at fifteen years old, and suddenly the world felt warm and cuddly. Janice D. describes herself as an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, the kind who "stayed too long at the fair" and simply couldn't find her way home. Her wreckage wasn't found in jail cells or bad checks, but in a chemically engineered family life where her mother passed out on the floor from secondals and old-fashioneds. Janice lived in a loop: speed in the morning to kill the hangover, alcohol at five, and Valium at night to shut the brain off.

A book-thumping son of a gun, Janice warns that recovery isn't a suggestion—it's a set of directions. She recalls the delusion of moving to Denver to find health, only to find better bars. After a brush with death and a period of cocaine use, she found a Higher Power and a sponsor who forced her to read every word of the Big Book. For Janice, the only way out is absolute abstinence; there is no taking the edge off.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Janice D. opens with lighthearted banter about the weather in Colorado and her 'sweaty hands'.
• 6:15 Description of the 'real alcoholic' as someone who cannot find their way home once they start drinking.
• 12:40 Family history: childhood trauma, the loss of her brother, and her mother's drug and alcohol use.
• 18:20 The cycle of speed, alcohol, and Valium; the 'All That Jazz' lifestyle.
• 26:10 Discussion of the 'strange mental blank spot' and the obsession of the mind.
• 32:45 The importance of a sponsor and the process of reading every word of the Big Book.
• 41:10 Laughter: Discussion on the absurdity of 'controlled drinking' for a real alcoholic.
• 48:30 The 'evil and corroding thread' of fear and her experience with stark terror.
• 52:15 Raw and emotional: Janice D. discusses her miscarriage and the grief that followed.
• 58:40 The 'beyond human aid' realization regarding an abusive relationship.
• 1:05:10 The struggle to forgive her father over 25 years and the role of the 4th Step.
• 1:15:20 Closing thoughts on the 'fellowship of the spirit' and the promise of sanity.