The Rapacious Creditor and the Price of Acceptance – Bob P.

My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic. For the people in the back and the people sitting down, you don't need to worry. Just listen to me for about ten minutes, you'll be asleep. This is really, this is just so, I'm so excited tonight that when the lady asked me to fill out that little form over here at the tapes, I could hardly write. But, you know, I was born and raised a Catholic back in the Midwest. So by the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had a dual problem. And, you Know, I did what every good Catholic kid does, you know. I kind of learned early on in grade school I would watch, you know, and they'd say, they'd ask the eighth graders, who's going away to the seminary to be a priest? and I'd see these guys raise their hand and then I'd watch and their grades went up. So when I got to eighth grade, I don't need to tell you what I did. My hand was up before they asked the question and my grades went UP. And so away I went to the seminary and you know this deal they had retreats and a lot of prayers and a Lot of Confession. and I got real good at that. I can remember a priest standing at the front of the church and saying, if I was to come up and down the aisles of this church and ask each and every one of you if you died right now, where would you go? Heaven or hell? What would be your answer? And I... Hell. I mean, that was it. I was going to hell because there were just too many rules. I mean there were so many rules about the different kinds of sins, mortal venials, in-betweeners. I mean they were just everything. It drove me crazy. And they had this thing about sinning in thought, word, and deed. And I'd figure, well, you know, I thought about this little deal and I'm going to hell for it. I'm gonna go out and get me some enjoyment out of it. And then I'm Gonna... Because if I'm Going to Hell, I'm Gonna Have a Good Trip. But, you Know, and I developed a pretty severe form of scrupulosity and it was not uncommon for me to go to confession four or five times a day. I mean, it was just crazy. I mean, it was a very, very crazy period of my life. I was 13 years old, away from home for the very first time. And here I was with a couple hundred other guys that were just as afraid as I was. And afraid of going to hell, afraid to leave the place, afraid to do anything. And you know, I figured the only way I could go to this place called heaven would be if I went to confession and I walked out of the church and I got hit by a truck. Provided there wasn't a lady in a miniskirt bent over to pick something up, then the thought would have got me before the truck did. So there I was, and I spent four years studying to be a priest. You know, I think it's kind of interesting to be able to speak here tonight at Holy Redeemer. This, 20-25 years ago, was a seminary for the same order of priests that I studied for. But I was back in the Midwest, they had it in Edgerton, Wisconsin, and we always used to have the guys from the West Coast. We all met at the major seminary after our first four years of training and we're always leery of people from the west coast. But I got out here and found out why. But anyway, I left the seminary after four years. And it was always a life where as a kid I thought of suicide quite a bit. And killing myself, it was almost a way of life. And I wasn't mad at anybody or going to get even. I just never felt like I belonged. I never felt that I fit in with everybody else. That I was born too late. The people that I kind of liked were older than I was. But they didn't want anything to do with me. But when I left the seminary, a friend of mine came by and he said, let's go drinking. And I was only 18 years old. And I looked at him, I said, geez, I'm only 18, you've got to be 21 to drink. No. He said, you have to be21 to buy it. And I mean, this guy, he immediately became my mentor. but anyway i you know i can remember that first drink like it was yesterday i'd you know they say don't forget your last one i can't forget the first one either that first drink that i had you might picture you know those little pep to bismol commercials where stuff goes down and it just kind of goes all out that's what the first drink of alcohol tastes like to me a can of beer it was great that feeling that went through me and all of a sudden bob pierce belonged. All of a sudden, I fit in. All of a suddenly, I was as good as everybody else. And for once in my life, I remember thinking, you know what? This is what I've been looking for because this makes me feel like I'm a part of. I had no more fear. The fears I had, the life I had and what kind of person I was, it didn't matter because that beer and that drink of alcohol made me feel different. I think most people drink to relax. Alcoholic drinks to feel different. At least this one did. And I can remember that night talking and telling that guy, I want some more. I talked him into buying me another six-pack of beer, and we split it. The two six-packs the beer, we split. I drank ten, he drank two. After all, he was driving. But you know, he took me home. I remember him dropping me at the doorway, I mean, at the foot of the driveway and the next thing I remember was it was the next morning and I didn't remember how I got there. And I thought to myself, that must happen to everybody that drinks, So I better only drink on the weekends. So if there was ever any kind of control, it was in the fact that I drank on Friday and got drunk and Saturday drunk and then Sunday. I figured in those days a lot of the stores were closed on Sunday. People didn't go out too much except to church. And people most generally in that town of Omaha, Nebraska stayed home on Sundays. And I thought they were doing the same thing I was doing, puking. because i figured everybody partied on the weekend and threw up on sundays and went back to work on monday that's just the way it was and then over a period of time it became i'll have a beer on wednesday and maybe drunk thursday and friday and saturday and then sober up sunday and then pretty soon it was late for work on monday and the whole progression became a part of my life it became something that no matter what i did i felt i had to have it if i went out on a date or If I went to a party, I always managed to drink a half a pint before I got to the party because I figured that I was at a point after a half-a-pint where everybody else was after one drink. And so I had to do that to keep even with them so that everything would go well. And eventually it got to a point where they didn't ask me to come to parties. One guy said, he said, how come you didn't invite me to the Party? He said, you drink too much. And I said, well, I'll bring my own. He said, that's not the problem. But you know, after living in Omaha, Nebraska, working for United Airlines, I finally sat down and I took a look at myself. And really, for the first time in my life, I looked at my life and saw what was going on. And I realized the problem was I was living in Oklahoma, Nebraska. So off to Denver, Colorado, I went. And I lived in Denver for several months, and I got drunk a lot. And by this time, I realized that I did drink more than others. But after all, I took everybody home, and I could drink anybody under the table, and they couldn't hold their liquor like I could. But I began to get in a lot of trouble, a lot of trouble at work, and a lot of trouble in relationships with men, women, children. Anybody that said hello to me had a problem. And I finally realized that I did have a drinking problem. I really didn't call it a problem. I said, I drink more than other people. So the problem is I'm at such a high altitude there's just not enough oxygen up here for me. So I better move. So out to California I came. I lived in San Bruno and that's an interesting town to drink in. If you try crossing those railroad tracks when you're drunk it can be quite interesting if you fall down and get up and can't remember which way you were going. but there I was living in San Bruno working at United Airlines and finally I sat down I looked at my life and I realized the problem was I was a blue collar worker I needed an education so off to the Midwest I went back home again my poor father and mother I was kind of like the boomerang of the family you know, dad would throw me out pretty soon And here he'd come again, you know. I lived, actually I was in a dysfunctional family. I lived alone. We do have an interesting family though. There's certain portions of our family that But if you didn't go to the nuthouse for about a week out of the year, you were probably adopted. Because Aunt Martha used to go on these wonderful vacations. Where's Aunt Martha? She's gone for a couple weeks. She'd come home and she'd be all great for a while and then she'd get all messed with Aunt Martha and love her gin and tonics. There are a lot of alcoholics in our family. But that really is unimportant. The important thing is that I found out that I was one. But I came back and I went to university and I was going to be an accountant. I was going to be a certified CPA public accountant. I was gonna be one of Donald Trump variety, of course. And so there I was standing in line at summer school to enroll in accounting classes and a stander and one of my weaknesses walked up alongside me and I said hello. That was my first mistake and hers. She said hello too. And I talked to her for a while and she was in speech therapy and remedial reading, was planning on working with retarded children. So I figured that's why we hit it off right away. So I changed majors. Yeah, it's me and you. Me and you, we're going to do this thing together. We're going start a clinic and we're going to, geez, you know, it was just crazy. But you know what's interesting? I went on in the fall to school and four out of five classes that I enrolled in were taught by a woman whose father was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And she picked up on the fact I had a drinking problem when I brought a bottle of scotch to an 8 o'clock class. One of the girls was having a birthday, I thought we should all have a drink before we start an 8 a.m. class, you know. But anyway, there I was and she asked me to come to her office after class that afternoon and she wanted me to talk to somebody. First words out of my mouth, I don't have a drinking problem. She said, I didn't say anything about your drinking. I just want you to talk to somebody. I said, okay, I will. And of course, I went out and got drunk, called her back on the phone, said a few things to her and her ancestry, and then told her to do something that's physically impossible. And away I went, you know, I was going to embark on this life of mine. And somebody said, you're kind of witty and funny. People like you. You're a pretty nice guy. You've got a lot of fun. How would you like to be a bartender? Oh, of course! There's my niche in life, you know. And so I got a job as a bartender. Bartenders, they steal, drink, and stay out all night, you know. So I fit right in the mold. I don't know if they do, but that's what this one did. And I went on that way, went on living that way. And my life wasn't getting any better. In 1968, my uncle stopped in town and Uncle Jack had been around Alcoholics Anonymous. It took him five years to get one. He had five years in 30 mental hospitals before he finally was convinced that he was an alcoholic. And he had gotten a year sober, you know, and I told him how proud I was of him, you know. Gosh, I'm proud of you. You've really done something with your life, Uncle Jack. And on and on. But I said, I need to talk to you. And funny thing, you know, I never knew until I really got into Alcoholics Anonymous. That thing about one alcoholic talking to another. You know,I felt that freedom with him. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I felt this freedom to tell him everything about me. And God bit his ear for an hour and a half. And finally he said, well, I think I have an answer. And I thought I knew it. I knew my Uncle Jack could have an answered. He gave me a sheet of paper and it had 20 questions on it. And I had 15 yes. And I thought I really did good. And the neat part about this test, he said, was you don't have to tell anybody that you took the test. You don't Have to tell them your grade. You grade it yourself. And I Thought, God, That's Good. And for that brief moment, I knew that nobody else in the world would have to know. And, boy, I went through that. And then I looked down and said, If you had more than three, yes, you're definitely an alcoholic. So I started to cry. what's the matter I'm an alcoholic he said well how would you like to go to an AA meeting and I thought well okay I'll go with him because he's given all this time to me the least I can do is humor the old boy so we went to an AA meeting and he said I'll bet there's at least one person there you know and he was wrong there was one person there I didn't know and there were all these people that knew me some of them thought I was dead and all the various things they said to me. And, you know, I looked around the room and I look at the old people and I say, look how old you are. You should be here. You know, when I get to be as old as you, I'll bring my little cookies and my little pot of coffee and I'll shuffle down here and we'll talk about how bad it used to be. And then I'd look at the young people my age, you know when they were dressed up and they had on a nice tie and shirt and suit and everything looked pretty good and healthy and happy and I looked at them and I thought, well, look at you. I'll bet your wife dresses you. send you down to AA you go to AA now don't take a drink so it was really nice that I arrived here without any contempt but the strange part about it was these people kept telling me I'll come back keep coming for somebody that hated Alcoholics Anonymous as much as I did I kept coming back kept going to meetings I didn't quit drinking I'd go to a meeting and I'd lie and talk and everything we'd laugh and they'd laugh and I would go out and get drunk and I figured they were doing the same thing you know they just weren't telling me where they were going so I wouldn't tell them where I was going but you know after a year in Alcoholics Anonymous like that and I can't say in and out because you can't get out if you ain't in you know I just kind of circled the field for a while And, you know, you reach a point this alcoholic had to reach. And I believe every alcoholic has to reach talks about it in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. I reached a point where I asked myself a very, very simple question. And those are usually the most difficult for an alcoholic. Am I an alcoholic? Yes or no? It's not a multiple choice. It's yes or no. Am I and alcoholic? And I could answer yes. I knew at that time, I knew in my head and my gut that I was an alcoholic. There was no doubt about that. Then I asked myself the next question before I can do steps, sponsors, anything, go to means anything. Do I really want to quit drinking? Do I realmente want to stop? And in my gut, in my mind, I said, In my head, the answer was no. And for the first time in my life, I was truly honest with Bob Pierce. Yes, I'm an alcoholic, and no, I don't want to quit. I don't want to go to AA, and there's no sense in me going to Alcoholics Anonymous, telling them I want to quit, tell them all these things, and not doing it. That was the one thing in my life that I really, truly, in my guts felt bad about. I was going to AA and telling them all These Things, but I really didn't want to quit. And I went back out, and believe me, they talk about the progression of this disease at AlcoholicsAnonymous. They talk about that disease of alcoholism and what happens. And it talks about in the book that once an alcoholic has placed in the mind of another alcoholic the true malady of this disease, he can no longer safely drink again. So if there's anybody here that's going to go out and drink again, you're in big trouble. I hope you don't. I hope nobody does. You don't have to. Because there's two places to become convinced that you're an alcoholic. In here and out there. and we've got a little better chance in here because I've been around long enough to see some of my friends who thought they could go out who would say, well, I think I've got to go out because this disease of alcoholism will tell me if you go out again when you come back your program will be stronger. Some of you follow that. Maybe all of you. But you know, I saw a friend of mine, Terry the meat cutter. Terry went out again I'll never forget this story and the truck driver said he said I saw the guy standing beside the road he was hitchhiking and he said I was about 20 feet away from him and he walked out in front of my truck it killed him I mean he committed suicide and I have another friend of mine who we sobered up together after 7 or 8 years on this program he decided that he could smoke a little weed but his throat got dry and he got thirsty And he took a drink. Now, he and I would both be sober 19 years. He's still out there. He's been out there 11 years. He comes back, gets a couple months, out again. Two or three months, a week, out. Out again. So I have to realize, you know, I see those kinds of things. This program is no game of marbles for me. But you know I'm getting a little ahead of myself but I went out that year after I decided I didn't want to quit drinking and that's when I wound up in the mental hospitals Strapped in a bed, one particular instance, strapped in a bed. I drank a quart of vodka and a couple six-packs of Budweiser and 30 Valiums in about two and a half, three hours because this time I was going to do it. And I wound up in a hospital in a bid, and when I woke up, it was three days later, and I had tubes in every hole of my body, and there was a sheet over my face. And when I woked up, I heard somebody say something, and the doctor turned around he pulled the sheet off of me he said I was just going to go get the priest and I talked to him for a while I talked him into undoing them straps if you've ever been strapped in bed it's quite an experience you can't even cross your legs you don't move, that's it you can wiggle your nose that's about it but being strapped into bed isn't fun but I stayed there a while and I told him what happened this girlfriend of mine she was with another man and I couldn't understand why she would do that to me. I'd only slapped her twice that week. Those were not pleasant experiences, some of those things that happened. Some of the things that happen in the relationships with women and their children that I went through when I was drinking are things that they put people in prison for today. Thank God I've been able to make amends to those people and to straighten those things out as best as humanly possible. but you know after about a year of that I wound up back here in California again and I wasn't here 30 days and I was charged with felony drunk driving and you know that drunk was no different than any other I was in trouble again and I remember sitting on the couch and saying to myself dear God I'm scared of you I don't like the rules I don' t like things I hear about you I don''t like the things I heard that you do to people like me but I need help I'll do anything I just don't want to live like this anymore. I can't go on like this. And you know, you've heard of this disease of alcoholism called the disease of perception. And at that point, it was as if somebody had just taken my shoulders and just moved me just one notch because I saw my drinking past like little picture frames. I just saw that anything and anytime I ever got in trouble, alcohol was involved. And I saw that once I started drinking, I knew that I was going to get drunk. I knew one of those periods of time was going to come. I was gonna have a blackout. I knew once I took a drink that it was going to happen. It might happen that night. It might be two days. It might a week. But it was gonna happen. And from that moment, I knew I didn't have to take a drink. I knew my drinking was over. And I called Alcoholics Anonymous and they were supposed to pick me up at 730. And it was 20 minutes to 8 and nobody was there yet. and it was raining out. I was in Fremont, California. I didn't know a whole lot of people and I thought to myself I guess I'll walk. So I got out it's raining and I get on this trench coat and the other coat and I'm walking and this car pulls up to the curb and he honks and the door slings open and the guy says hey Bob, get in. Well you know if you're in a strange town and it's rainin' like that and you're wet and cold and the car pulls open and opens the door you'll get in if they call you anything. But I got in the car and I said how did you know it was me? He said, to only be somebody as dumb as an alcoholic be out like you are looking tonight. And the guy took me to my first day meeting in Fremont, Fremant Fellowship. I walked in the doors of the Fremaint Fellowship weighing 265 pounds. Had on brown pants that were all torn. I had the shoes with cardboard in the bottom. A shirt that was white at one time. A red vest, a gold coat with my initials inside it. Little trench coat. I had more chins than a Hong Kong phone book. And I, you know, I looked around the room and I looked at everybody there and the first thought through my mind was, here I am at last, down here with these bums. Now I had no home, no clothes, no job, no car, no money, nothing. And I think now I'm down with the bums But, you know, I had that moment, that few moments of warmth. It actually felt like the room got warm. And I knew I was home. I knew it was where I belonged. I knew that I was in line. And, you now, I went to the meeting and I told everybody what's going on. Geez, I'd went every night. They asked me if I had a sponsor and I said, what's a sponsor? And they explained it to me and I say, okay, I'll get one. And they said, well, while you're looking, we're going to give you one. That was kind of the way they did it when I came in, you know. They'd say, here, this guy's your sponsor until you find one. And so I kept him, and then I found another one later on. And we went through the steps, and gee, he told me how to take an inventory. And I'd go ask him all these deep questions, you Know. And he always had an answer. I went to him, I said, you now what? I think I'm in trouble. Why is that? I said. I think. I think, I'm one of those people who's constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. he said do you really believe that Bob I said yes I do he said good then you've just been honest with yourself about that so cut out the bs and let's go so I was fortunate to have that kind of sponsorship you know he could see through my craziness and uh I went to a lot of meetings they told me to go to 90 meetings 90 days and do this and do that but you know I wanted to get sober so bad, I didn't care about anything else. My sponsor told me, he said, I said, what do I do about these bill collectors? He said, look in the book, it'll tell you. So open the book and he'd tell me where and it says, we do not dodge our creditors. Oh, okay. What do you do? Well, you write them a letter and you tell them what's going on. You call them and you're telling the truth about what's happened to your life and what you've done to your wife. And what you'd like to do to straighten this thing out. And without exception, every one of them said, okay, fine. As long as I laid it right on the line, they were fine. And jobs just came. I had a job where I was getting room and board and $60 a month. And that was fine for me. I was chipping bricks at Hidden Valley Park where they have the AA picnic every year. Chipping bricks and building fireplaces. Highly skilled labor. And then I'd get these little odd jobs, you know, and I'd just go to meetings and pay bills. That's all I did the first year or so. Go to meetings, pay bills, talk to my sponsor, work the program, take inventories. write out lists of people that I've harmed and make amends to them, write them letters. People that I couldn't find, he said keep the list. They'll come in your path. And one particular one always comes to mind. I was at a retreat at San Damiano's in Danville and I walked into the room and as I walked across the room there was a lady sitting there and she looked up and it was a woman and it wasn't a lady that was on my amends list. It was that school teacher from college ten years previous. And there she was, you know, and I started crying. And she did. And I'm hugging her and I'm telling her all these things that I'd said about her that I had bad feelings towards her. And I asked her to forgive me. And we just did our best to straighten this out. And then I looked at her and said, wait a minute. This is a retreat for alcoholics. What are you doing here? And she said, well, after you left the college, I started a little bit of social drinking. And she says, I just came off of Skid Row two years ago. And I finally got a year sober. And you know, in those amends steps, there's people that I've met and there's people you're going to meet when you take that step. And there's People you're not going to know where they're at. And they come into my life. That lady was in my life for two days. And I got her phone number. I was going to call her. She was living in Berkeley. And of course, I got busy. And about a month later, I called and the number is disconnected. I asked people, where's she at? Well, she moved to Seattle. We don't know where. Lost track of her. Believe me, when those people on that list come into my life, I make amends to them now. It isn't like, well, geez, I'll have to get around to it. I believe that God, as I understand Him in this infinite plan of sobriety for this alcoholic, those people come through my life. I get an opportunity to make amens and to let go of that past, to get rid of that crap. Ask these people to forgive me for what I've done. And they move on because they've come and gone. There's been several of them over the years that have just come and gone. They've been there a day. One particular person I met on a streetcar in San Francisco, and the amends was made between one stop and the next. And they got off, and they said, I'll come to Fremont and see you, and that's the last I've seen of them. So I have to keep that in perspective for this alcoholic. But, you know, in all these years then as I was staying sober and I was working the program and I Was going to meetings, something was missing. I didn't feel quite right. And, you know, by now I've got a wife and I've got a couple of kids. I married a woman with kids because I'm lazy. And so we... If you want to find out about my sobriety, she'll give you the real story. But, you know, I've Got a wife, I'Ve got a couple of Kids, We've got A couple of Nice Cars, I've GOT the Big Job, You know, and We're Buying the Condo, and WE'VE GOT this, and WE'VE GOT that. And I'm going, What is this? I'm giving them all these things, and I'm buying her this, and I'm buying her that and I've given them kids that never had a father and I am trying to put them through school and they do nothing for me. And man, that type of thinking just kept going and kept going and the resentment kept building and the tenseness in the house and the fighting in the House and those things kept going and then there I was at 14 years sober I wake up on some morning but I woke up and I remember laying in bed and the options were you drink or you commit suicide and I sat there and laid there in that bed for a while I was paralyzed I was paralysed with fear I was afraid to move lest I get out of that bed what was going to happen and then I thought if I get off this bed and I jump out that window jump try to kill myself with my luck I'd land in the tree and I'm thinking of drinking and I remember looking I thought I'll call my friend Wally and believe me it took every ounce of strength I had to reach over and pick up a phone that was less than 18 inches away from my bed. And I called Wally, and he came by and picked me up, and we went and had some breakfast, and we talked as we had done a lot of times in the past. We'd talk, and I'd get it kind of aired out, and I would start feeling better, and on my way I'd go. But this time, all the talk in the world, it wouldn't go away. And I went down, and we were riding around, And almost simultaneously, I told him, we said something about a guy named John. I said, yeah, I've seen him around. I said I kind of like him, but I'm afraid of him. And he says, well, maybe that's the guy you need to talk to. So we went down there and we walked in John's office. And I can remember it like it happened this afternoon. I just poured it all out. I was crying. I was screaming. I was a raven lunatic. And I got all through and he looked at me and he kind of leaned back in his chair. and he has this little smile. It's not really a smile, but it is a smile. And he looked at me and he said, Oh, well you're on step one. Thanks for the relief, John. I really feel much better now. I wanted to kill him. I'm going to kill Him. I was hot. My mind's going, I've been sober 14 years, you son of a gun. What's the idea of telling me something like that? But you know, I was hurting so bad. There was so much mental anguish and anxiety inside of me that I was weak. I couldn't move, and I just sat there, and I thought to myself, you're letting this man verbally abuse you. But I didn't care. It hurt so bad it hurt. And we talked for a while, and he talked me into going up to Duffy's for a few days. He said, go on up there. And, you know, I went up there, and I walked in the meeting, and Gene Duffy was talking. and I listened and they shared a little bit and I told everybody exactly why I was there and what was going on with me. And you know, up to that point all I saw when I saw Gene Duffy was a rawr, rawr you know rawr rawr rough. I'll never forget this as long as I live the man walked up to me after that meeting and he put his arm around me and he said Bob you're going to be okay. He said we all go through this sometimes after a lot of years of sobriety. But he said you're gonna be okay he said I'll tell you this the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train and he walked away, you know and I stayed there that three days and when I got out I went down I told John I'd come back to see him and I went downstairs and I came down there and he said has anybody ever gone through the steps with you? I said yeah my sponsor and I worked the steps and we did this no, no he said I'm talking about somebody sitting down with you and going through the steps has anybody every done it? take the 12 by 12 in the big book and talk about each step no do you want to? yes be here next Wednesday at 7.30 And in the meantime, read Step 1 and Chapter 3 in the big book. And think about the principle of acceptance. And he says highlight stuff and underline anything that means anything to you or something that stands out. Okay? So I do that. And first thing I see it says, Until an alcoholic has accepted his disease and all its consequences, his sobriety, if any, will be precarious. it talked about alcohol the rapacious creditor i looked up rapacious in the dictionary that's like a guy loans you 10 bucks and you come back and say hey here's the 10 he says no it's 20 well i got 20 when you get 20 come see me you get20 a couple days later you come back he says it's 40 now and this keeps going up and up and you can never catch up with it Alcohol, the rapacious creditor. So we got together and we talked about acceptance. And I asked God as I understand him, help me to accept me just the way I am. Help me to except myself. The following week we got together and talked about faith, step two. We read in the 12 by 12 and read chapter 4 in the big book. We talked about face. Beliefs that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. See, in step one we talked about my life being unmanageable. And for a lot of years I saw that and said my life had become unmanegeable. And I used to think, well yeah, because I drank and did all this stuff, my life became unmanangeable. My life never was manageable is what they're telling me. I was always trying to manage my life at your expense, at anybody's expense. Make me feel different. Make me belong. Make me feel like I fit in. That's what I want you to do. And I was always trying all kind of schemes and all kind of ways to make my life manageable. And alcohol, for a time, made my life manageable. It probably saved me from going crazy. But then it reached the point where it was only enhancing what I was trying to get rid of. So then we came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Those two things, acceptance and faith. There's no action involved. No action, it's just a thought process. Okay, yeah, I'm an alcoholic, yeah. Yeah, this higher power, whatever it is, exists in these rooms, will restore me to sanity. The following week we talked about step three where we talked About Surrender and Trust. And my best thing I can come up with for step three is a story about a little guy standing at Niagara Falls And there's a guy out there, he's got a tightrope across the falls and he's got a wheelbarrow. And he's going back and forth and he is doing tricks and doing all kinds of stuff. And this little kid's eyes are this big. And he goes, mister, you're the greatest thing in the world. I believe you could do anything. You're fantastic. God, look what you can do. And the guy said, do you really believe I could do anything? Yes, I believe. God, I believe. Well, get in the wheelbarow. Oh, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. And for this alcoholic, that's what God, as I understand him, is telling me. He said, get in the wheelbarrow. And this time, please sit still. He wants me to enjoy the ride. He wants to enjoy it. He knows which way to point me. He knows what's good for me and what isn't good for him. Then we go on into step four. Four and five, we talk about honesty and courage. And we're going to list down the things. It tells me exactly what to do. It says, and for me this holds true today as it did probably more so today than the first day I came in. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. So it's pretty simple. Paper. Just white stuff with lines on it. And a pen. I'm resentful at my wife. Why? What's it affecting? I'm resentful of my employer. I'm resentment at this. I hate the police. We'll start listing these things down, and it felt great to list the wreckage of sobriety because that's what we're talking about. A lot of times it's, oh, don't worry as long as you don't take a drink. Really? You mean I shot that guy but I didn't drink? It's all right, huh? You mean I'm still doing this? I'm not still doing that? As long as he doesn't take his drink, he'll be all right? No, I've got to start applying these principles in my life. Step four for me, I kind of can describe it as a story about there's a sharecropper family in the southeastern part of the United States. And every year they had just enough money left over to buy seeds for the next year. And so they lived year in and year out. One year they hade a little extra money. Boy, they looked in a catalog and they saw a thing called a mirror. And boy, they sent away for this mirror. And the mirror came and they opened it up and the father looked at himself and he's all rugged and tan and handsome. And the mother looked at herself and how pretty she is and beautiful. And each of the children. But then the little guy, when he was a small baby, had been kicked in the side of the head by a horse. And his head was distorted, twisted, the most ugly thing you've ever seen in your life. And he saw that and he threw the mirror down and he screamed and he cried and he ran to his mother. And he says, Mama, have I always looked like this? And she told him what had happened. Then he looked at her and he says, Mama, do you love me? She said, yes, I do very much. He said, why? She said because you're mine. So what this alcoholic needs to understand when he takes an inventory, no matter how ugly or twisted or gnarled or distorted or bad I might think I am, that God as I understand Him loves me. Why? Because I'm His. No condition. Just says, bring it all to me. So we go on into step six. We talk about willingness. Step seven, we talk about humility. Where I get to take all of this thing that's me and says, God, I pray that you take all of me, the good and the bad, and you remove from me whatever stands in the way of my usefulness to you and others. Because back in step three I made that decision to turn my will and life over to God and now I'm in the process of learning how to do that. And I do that with God's help, with the help of a sponsor or someone that I know that I can unburden myself, somebody that I kan tell the things inside of me that I don't want nobody else to know. Somebody that's going to take that with them and they're going to get rid of it. One of the guys that I would talk to every now and then, he said, give it to me. He said, I'll give it to God. And we'd do that together. And I remember the time John said to me, he said, you know, what's humility mean to you? I said, well, if you introduce it as a topic get a meeting, you'll be home before 8.30. Because these are the things I learned in AA, believe it. If you say you've got humility, you don't. And if you're talking about it, you're not humble. And I believed all that. And he said, well, why don't we look in the book? Oh, how novel that is. I assume everybody knows what a big book is. But in the 12 by 12, there's a part in there that says the basic ingredient of all humility is the desire to seek and do the will of God. And he said to me, do you have that? I said, you better believe I do. He said, good, then you have some humility. And you know, I felt a calm come over me. I felt good inside. And He said you know what, you can go to a meeting and you can talk about having humility and you don't have to be ashamed of it. Because And he said, you have a desire to seek and do the will of God. So things began to take on a new light for me. You know, it talks about in the book, it says we are preparing to look at the world from a different angle. The disease of perception. I'm going to look out at it a little bit different. You know this ring that I got on? If you look at it, it's beautiful. All you have to do is move it just a little bit and the light hits it. You go, wow, look at that. on the way up here tonight I was coming up 580 sun was going down I don't know what overpass it was but just before I got this overpass I glanced off to the side and there was a church has this big steeple thing on it but they have stained glass windows and the sun was shining through it and I thought God that's beautiful and not even a second later I glances at that same thing and the sun was hitting it in such a way it just lit up. So the perception changed and it was more beautiful than I ever thought it would be. For me, that's what God, as I understand Him, wants me to do. He says, I want you to be happy. I want You to enjoy life. He says all you've got to do is accept life on life's terms, Bob. Give me the good and the bad. Remember, let Me direct your thinking. Step 8 and 9, we talked about forgiveness. I had to make a list of people that I had harmed sober. And there are people that I still haven't made contact, but I know they're coming. They're on the way. And I've been able to go to people and make amends. I've Been Able To Practice This Program In My House. Hardest place in the world for this alcoholic anyway to practice the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is at home. Because sometimes at home you make amens to the kids. You say, you know, I was wrong to treat you that way. And they say, yes, you were. But as a result of being able to do that and tell them how I felt and tell him what was going on with me. I have a son and a daughter today. I have an older daughter. I have another daughter that gave me a Father's Day card a couple years ago. I still got it. And she said, I know you're not my real father, but you are more a father to me than any man has ever been in my life. You shared your life with me. You showed me how to be an honest person. Caught me on an off day, I guess. But the love I have for that girl, I would do anything in the world for her. I have two wonderful grandchildren. Things that never could happen in my life before. It's talked about in the book. My seeming inability to form a true partnership with another human being. That happens in my wife today. Some days they're rough. It ain't always easy, but I know this much that I've got to keep practicing. And in step eight and nine, when I go to people and ask their forgiveness, whether they forgive me or not, I will feel forgiven. We talked about perseverance. Continue to take a personal inventory when wronged, promptly admit it. And in steps ten, it says in the very first few sentences in the big book it says we consider our plans for the day but before we begin we ask God to direct our thinking that it be divorced from self-pity dishonest and self-seeking motives he's asking me I'm asking him take all of me the good and the bad so I need to remember that he's in charge now on the other hand he does not make my house payment he does not go to work for me he's given me brains to use and it's time to start using them and ask him for guidance and it isn't always great I sometimes think I got man I got it wired this time I got God now look out step 11 we talked about prayer and meditation talked about patience asking God as I understand him to make me an instrument of His peace. I'm just a window. I'm just a windows. God's the light. God, as I understand it, talks like the sunlight of the Spirit. Resentment will block off the sunlight of the spirit. So the sunlight can shine through that window. My job is to keep the window clean so the light can come and I can be happy because the days when I'm not doing what I'm told, I don't feel good. I get off base. If I got a little pain going, I know who's in charge. I used to think God sent this pain so that I'll be stronger. I don' t believe that way today. That's for me. God, as I understand, wants me to be happy. See, I'm the kind of guy that jumps off a ten-story building and as I go past the fifth floor, I say, hey, so far, so good. You know, in step 12, he talked to me about charity. He said, that's funny. I remember John said to me, he said, yeah, now we've got step 12 and we spent a few weeks on that. And he said now you've got these things, he said. You can go out and get about 15 or 20 guys and start sponsoring them, you know. And I thought, 15 or 25? 20? This guy must have got here about three drinks too late, man. But you know, I just did what he said Thank God I did what she said. The man gave me of himself. and a relationship, to have a total relationship with a person, with a man, has been hard for me. It's not anymore because I know I can get mad at my friend John and I can tell him I'm mad about something. I can say, I don't like him because he did this and he just smiles, okay, and he tells me the same thing. It doesn't mean we're good or bad or ugly or anything. It means that's what's going on right now and I love him as much as I ever loved anybody. And I'm learning how to fit into life. I'm learnin' how to pass this on to other people. You know, the key word for me in step 12 is the word practice. You know I guarantee you, in a few more months, if you go down to Santa Clara, there's a football field down there. And you're gonna see the world champion football team and I know what they're gonna be doin', practicing. You go, why? You know, this elk, you go, why? They're the champs. But they get that way because they practice. And in step 12 it says, practice these principles in all of my affairs. Practice, practice, practice. Which tells me I'm not going to do it right all the time. And I'd love to be able to say, yeah, I do it all the same. I don't. I do the best I can. And at the end of the day I can look at it and write down what the day was like. Look at it and say, yeah, I could have handled this differently. I could handle that a little better. Do I owe an apology? Yes or no? Maybe not. Yes, I do. Okay. Take care of business. Is there something I've got to talk to somebody about? Yeah. Okay, call them up and talk to them. It's pretty simple. I like to think of this, my life is like an hourglass. And in the top of that hourglass, there was little Bobby, drunk in the world, trying to do his thing, and he's just whirling around. And fortunately for him, he slipped into that thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. Which is that neck where he's in there and he's learning how to live. How to accept life on life's terms. How to form a companionship with other people. How to survive on a job. How to thrive in a marriage. How to strive with other peoples. and then it talks about that the main purpose of the book is for me to find a power greater than myself and it was there that I found it. And then it says, but what they want me to do is to fit into the mainstream of life. So they want be to drop back out, go back out to the world and carry this message of sobriety and carry it by my actions. You know, when I meet somebody in AA, if I've got a resentment or something, I can go up to my friend right here and say, Bob, I've Got This Resentment. We talk about it, we talk it out, and it's yeah, okay, and a cup of coffee. Go up to somebody at work and tell them, you know what? I've had some ill feelings towards you. But I'll tell you this, when you go to somebody, and I've the opportunity, because I'm not always the most pleasant person in the world, but I've have the opportunity to go to people and say you know what? I've had this going on, these ill feelings, and I don't want to have them anymore. And I ask you to forgive me. Most of the time they say, that's all right, don't worry about it. Some guys look at you like you just dropped out of a spaceship. But it's all Right. It's all Right. Because it's learning how to live. And usually with me, when I'm upset with somebody, it's one of two things. Either there's something about me that I haven't acknowledged, and I don't want to see it. I see it in somebody else and I do not want to see it myself. Or they have got some ability that I do NOT have and I may never have. And I am jealous of that. So it keeps it real simple for this alchemy. Just two little things. And for me, there is only really two things, two guards, you might say. If you can picture a couple of gates and there are two guards standing in front of that gate. one's kind of smiling and the other one's real angry one of those guards is fear and the another one is my ego and they guard the gate to my happiness because my fear says you better not look at what's going on with you Bob you better don't look at me you better do this and my ego says you don't have to do it you've been sober a long time now I need to walk up and ask God as I understand it, let me look at this and go through those gates and go to that happiness that the book tells me is mine. It talks about being happy, joyous, and free. They talk about living in the world. They talk in the 12x12 of the joy of living because I have that. I have some joy in my life today. I enjoy life. some days it ain't too good but I just do the best that I can and God as I understand him just says hey man I love you and I say how come because you're mine and you know there's a lot of people here tonight and some of the people like what I have to say and some people won't and the biggest majority are wondering if they're going to get a piece of cake thank you Thank you very much.