The Psychiatrist Who Told Him He Was Too Good at Manipulating People 🤣 – Brian C.

so my God can increase and me decrease. Thank you. Yes, I'm grateful for coming to Addict Pride. You know when I first asked to share, I was like a speaker you know this is my second time speaking at a convention and this is awesome. Let me tell you a little bit about where I come from, how did I get to ENA. I've been coming, I heard about ENA since 1991, actually 87 and I remember going to my first meeting in 87 with my sister and her kids father. And I remember going there in a barbershop on Pontiac Street and I just I didn't think I was an addict. I remember going there, I had to be about 25 years old. And they talked about drugs but I thought you know I didn't think I didn't think too much of it. But in 1987 and I remember I never never thought I had a drug problem, so I never continued to go. I watched my sister and and my my her boyfriend go through recovery recovery process and then I seen all of it go back out and used within a couple years. Which they went back out and used and I never stopped. But I remember getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. The desire to use came way before I even started. And I remember putting up ties because I was like a tough guy. I started to grow and then she, uh, I started growing and I gave up healthy and about SAY you paid 20,000еч a week just kept growing校So YAY got better in 6 or 10 months she I knew how to stop, but I didn't know how to stay stopped and I remember coming to ENA in 91 and I've come to the meetings and and back at 91 and and it was just so it was just so just getting started.ın they will so new in and every not just love the,n you know the new news you need to but they like and see us to anybody was get high successfully. I thought, in my mind, I said, well, somebody's doing something somewhere. You know, nobody's this happy without a beer or a joint or something. But I stuck around, and that was my thinking. And that thinking thing has sent me right back out, you know, because I wasn't really ready to stop. I remember in 91 coming in because I wanted to save my marriage. I wanted to be a better father for my children. And a lot of things, I remember coming in also, I was standing on a corner hustling. And back then I hustled everything from women to drugs to anything you could name, I hustled. And I remember standing on the corner, and my cousin came down the street, right down there on, I think, Maumee. And my cousin come running down the street talking about my other cousin just got killed in a dope house. And I remember. This was my first cousin. And I remember that night, man, just like it was yesterday, man. And this was an addict. She was the type of addict that I was proud of. If you could say it was an addict that you're proud of. Because she was hardcore, been to California, New York. And she just had all that I thought a using addict should have. Because in my mind, a using addict was a hustler. See, in my mind, a hustler. But I remember all the pain from her dying. And actually she got killed from robbing a dope man from Detroit. And I remember the pain. And I didn't want to. And I think about from her getting killed. And I had a sister at that same time was dying of AIDS. And AIDS just got so. It got real popular. You know, everybody knew about it in the early 90s. And I remember she getting AIDS and watching her die. And I remember me medicating all the time in a marriage. In a marriage. And I remember that. And I remember her going from a beautiful young lady to a 65 pound skeleton. And I just. That hurt me. To. See. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. It was. It was. I was. I was. I was. And I remember. And I asked her. I said, you had to change anything. You had to go back in your life and change anything in your life. And she said, my use of drugs. She said, because if I went in there and got high, I probably wouldn't have made decisions that I'm in now. And thank God for recovery. I remember. coming back into the room trying to get rid of that pain and that and that that dead dead dead all the pain from my from my and I need to share my mother had got killed when I was 16 years old from selling dope in Chicago and I had a lot of issues you know from my mother selling dope to my sister having AIDS to but I just loved the lifestyle you know and at that point with my sister dying of AIDS from my mother getting killed at 16 years old I just loved the lifestyle I love manipulating using people I remember reading a book at 18 years old Malcolm X and I remember reading Malcolm X books in and I remember he said some in the book that they made that I liked he said he said I and he said I you know I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie I don't like the pimp because they use women I don't like to stick up man that because because they they out to kill and take something but he said but you gotta respect the con man cuz the con man gonna talk you out of it and I said wow that's what I want to be a con man you know I just want to talk people out of it I don't have to take it from I'm gonna talk you out of it but that was the mentality that I had for years and I felt like I could talk my way out of anything and and it did I talked my way into cuz I was one of addies that I didn't want to walk up down the street begging for a rock so I said well let me let me and I didn't want to be that one day just looking for a rock and you know my mind was like okay let me make friends with the dope dealers you know let me aim high you know because I don't have to walk the streets and I don't have to beg but the degradation was just the same they told me when to go to sleep they told me what to do when to do it how to do it still selling my soul you know it's funny how I say I used I used somebody but really they was using me that's the disease of addiction when you actually when you think you use somebody but I'm being used but I remember I remember 91 being in so much pain and I stayed in NA for in and out from 90 91 to 94 and that's because I was working at I was and at this time four years of that ten years of that I was working at State Hospital I don't know you guys for me with State Hospital but I was working with the military targets I'm special needs political correct and I remember going to work high every day on the bench no matter what and I worked a job ten years and I remember at the same time in 94 I was about to get fired you know and I remember the lady one of my co-workers are old ladies say Brian if you go to the supervisor and tell them you got a drug problem they can't fire you and I said and I did that and and it was that was that was degrading because they everybody on my job found out that I I was smoking crack. Everybody. It was supposed to be done in anonymity, but it wasn't. Everybody knew about it. You smoking crack. It was pretty rough, man, because I had people come up to me that looked up to me and talking to me real nasty, like, I cannot believe you've become this kind of piece of shit. I'm like, what? I smoke crack? It's not bothering you. I remember, and at that point, I remember going to a psychiatrist, and he was, because he was required to keep the job. I remember going to this psychiatrist, and he told me, he said, I can't help you. I said, what do you mean you can't help me? He said, I cannot help you. He said, you have been married over 12 years. You have worked a job over 10 years. You've been on crack for over 13 years, so one thing you do know how to do is carry a mask, and you carry your mask good, because it tells you can go to work, you can go to church, and you can manipulate all these people. Nobody would never know that you're getting high, because you have made a career out of manipulating people, disguising, and a lot of people didn't know I was getting high. I always dressed nice, just dressed nice. I figured as long as I dressed nice, but I was like, well, going from 150 pounds to 130 pounds, you'd think they'd know something, you know, but my close friends know, but let me, at that point in time, I remember going to a psychiatrist, and I remember I'm about to get fired, and this young lady I was dating that I worked with, and I, God bless her heart, she was a good friend of mine, still is to this day. She told me, she said, Brian, she called me right out, she said, are you really getting high? And I said, yes, and that was the first time somebody, I told somebody what I was doing, and stuck next to me. She said, I'm not going to kick you through the curb. All my friends tell me that you're a crackhead, and I should leave you alone. She said, I'm not going to do that to you, and I remember her sticking next to me, and after my father died, and a few other things, and I just wasn't going to stop. I just didn't let go. I wasn't even trying to cover up. I was, the disease of addiction was just, I just gave up. I got high from 74, for 94, and I didn't think I came back into the rooms until 2004, because I got high, and that's what I wanted to do, and it just didn't matter, and I didn't care, I didn't care who knew, you know. I remember, I remember staying with a guy I worked for, and getting high in the basement, and at the same time, he was one of the biggest dope dealers in Fort Wayne, and I became a runner for him, and I remember sitting in the basement, just getting high, because he didn't allow me to have, I couldn't bring nobody to use over his house. That was the only stipulation and condition. You can smoke all the dope you want, but you cannot bring nobody in the basement. I'm bringing nobody in the house, and I remember sitting up there, just getting high, getting high all by myself, and just feeling so lonely. And crying, and knowing that I couldn't stop. And I was just begging God, man, somebody come along and help me, because I couldn't stop. I had all the dope I could smoke, and all the food I could eat, and I wasn't going to stop. And he wasn't, he didn't want me to go nowhere, because I was his slave. You know, and I remember my God, the God of my understanding, which I call God. I remember him sending a friend of mine, a really, a brother that loved the Lord, and he told me this. He said, listen, man. He knocked on the door, came on in. He said, I know what you're doing, man. But he said, how are you going to stop doing what you're doing? You ain't going to win this war by being on the front line. And I said, that made a lot of sense. He said, come, he owned some group homes, and he said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? And I said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? And he said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? And I said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? And he said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? And I said, why don't you come over to one of my group homes? I can't let you work with the boys because of the condition you're in, but once you cook for them and I give you a place to stay and I'll pay you, just clean yourself up. And I remember him doing that. At that time, it just felt so good that somebody loved me unconditionally. And I remember, I started, well, okay, let me leave the dope alone and just drink. And I thank God, because I called the DWI. And to make a long story short, I called the DWI, and I said, you know what? I'm going to go to the DWI. And I said, well, there's a class today and I'm, have living with a teacher in the closet, and he said, well, how about you just sit in the locker room and he went in the locker room for a minute? I said, I did. So I didn't mind him. I got in with the teacher and I called the DWI and I started eating and everything was good, but it was the best for me. The last thing that started hitting me since my first education for eight years, I was sat in the quickly dropping out of school and getting into different classes and I met the teacher because it was really sweet and saludable. It was good. I was bowing hateful challenging, but I was also, I was just being mean to the person that was teaching like getting high here and there and I remember six months going to the classes paying the fee getting a slip sign and I had two weeks to go and and and that last week the closer I got to the end the more I got high and I couldn't stop and I remember the lady drug tested me and uh and uh I was dirty and make a long story short she gave me another six months and I was mad at I just mad because I want to believe everybody got this is their fault today I know how to stay clean and I remember make a long story short I remember being in and my first sponsor said just and it's like he said yesterday he said try to get his program a chance and he said because all that you live left behind can be refunded to you that makes sense he said do what's suggested and everything that you left behind can be refunded I remember him saying that I said it makes sense so I got a make lunch I got a sponsor he was my sponsor I got it I did everything suggested I got a home group I start working the steps but uh and I need to say this I came in the rooms and uh I had all the same behaviors you know I remember I thank God for in there and I remember still kind of like running with the dope boys I remember I did a lot of things that I didn't like for my first two years going I'd need to say that it just wasn't part of the fellowship but at the time our map was normal because I didn't have that I had needed to fill that empty void I need to say that I filled the empty void with newcomers I mean I was a predator I was a manipulator other times and that was my I went through I remember going through a newcomer just about every two weeks you know I was just hitting them and hitting them and hitting them a lot of the vollanyos of thisigenic the leadership was a hunk or gentleman and yet never even giving an oyster to hunk like Brad he think I should have beenう two weeks or did you were a hunk. First of all did you I got cocked like I found out quickly Acessehmaybe philip rhys you know that like the puisquippy he had Yeah players and guys who I love since black box like Jim Taylor olmans who started the the grizzly And it was just like the dope. And I remember my cousin said, I remember the AIDS task force came up to the barbershop where I was getting a haircut. And I said, hey, man, I was teasing him. I said, man, you should go ahead and get an AIDS test. He said, no, you should go ahead and get an AIDS test. You're at bigger risk than I am. And I thought about what he said, and I stopped. I thought about my sister. I said, it's funny how God in this process puts me in situations that he allowed me to change or keep going on the best way I can. And I decided to change. And from that point on, I stopped. I found me a woman. I was about to get married, and I stopped. I stopped that behavior. To this day, actually, I haven't been with a woman since August of last year. Recovery has been great for me. It has blessed me tremendously. Seven years clean. And I don't got that much time, but I want to share a little bit about coming into the program. I remember the first sponsor I got. I remember him having diabetes. And I remember him. And that was the first person in the room that loved me in his life, Donald Lee. I remember watching him walk around strong, taking care of his son, to the last day. I seen him where he couldn't even walk. And he was in a fetal position. And that brother loved me in his life. And I remember he had about 15, 16 years clean in his brother. And I was just a really good friend to this brother, because he allowed me to be in his life. And I just was grateful that somebody trusted me and loved me. And two, I could love myself. And he was the one. You know, it didn't take a lot of people in the room to love me. It just took that one. And he showed me that he loved me. And I remember him dying. And I remember him telling his brother, because at that time I only had five, four years clean. And he asked, his brother asked him, who was his sponsor. And his brother, he told his brother I was. With five years clean, he said, Brian was my sponsor. And he has over 15, 16 years clean. And I mean, it was just an honor to be in his life and to be in there with this recovery process. And somebody freely gave me something back. And that's why I love this program, because they show me how to love myself. You guys showed me how to love myself. And to, you know, it's giving me hope. You know, that's why I love this program. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it, you know. I wanted to do it. Get rid of them destructive curtsies. And I need to share this. I got custody of my grandkids two years ago, a year and a half ago. And that was the biggest change in my life. I remember getting my two-year-old shot the one-year-old in the head. And I remember I was at work. And I remember telling God, just don't let them die. I got a daughter that loved dope dealers. And she left a gun in the bed. And the two-year-old got the gun and shot the one-year-old in the head. And I remember telling God, just don't let them die. And I'll do anything you want me to do. And he showed me I got something for you to do. And I said, I got something for you to do. And I said, I got something for you to do. And I... So they got put into... CPS took them, of course. They got put in the system. And my ex-wife got custody of them. But she violated the order between my daughter because she had restricted visitation. But she broke that order. So they were put back into the system. So they asked me to come to court. And I'm like, I'm just clean addict. And I'm going to show them that I'm the man. And I got it going on. But my mom... My mom was never thinking about getting no kids. You know, I'm just saying, I'm a support group. I remember going to court and the uncles, everybody sitting around. Everybody in that room had issues that they could not get them kids. The only person that was clean enough to get the kids was me. I'm like, me? Mr. Collins, you the only one? I'm like, me? A two-year-old and a three-year-old? About myself? And... And I said, well, when? Like, next year? Tomorrow? Next month? They're not down. And I remember leaving out the courtroom, getting them. Oh, man, that's been a year and a half ago. And God is good. God is really good. Because I never deviated from what God wanted me to do. I never, you know, because I told myself, you know, that it was bad enough they were put in this situation. With, you know, drugs and this. And I understand that situation. And I promised myself that I would not let nothing negative or bad come around me. And it's gone a year and a half. And this isn't happening to me. No women. Just very strict, disciplined lifestyle. You know, God is good. And I couldn't have did without the fellowship. I couldn't have did without, you know. I got it. I got addicts that call me on a daily basis. I couldn't have did it without help. Because it was some bad days. The woman I married left me, like, three months into getting them. Because we supposed to get married. And she's like, bye-bye. And that was painful. And it was hard, you know. And it was hard. Number one, it was hard because I don't know nothing about taking care of no one-year-old. And, you know, changing diapers. And giving them bathes. And brushing their teeth. But I had to learn real quick. Real quick. Because they wasn't playing. And we just went to court last week. And they're out of the system. I did my job. CPS is gone. They go back to the grandmother. They say, well, don't you want to continue? No, I don't want to continue to raise them. I'll be 50 years old in May. And I don't want to raise no kids. That makes me really, really sad. I don't even want to take a woman with no kids. I don't want nothing to do with it. Because I'm finally out in the process who I really am. I ain't crazy about no kids. I'm going to tell you that now. I was just like, oh, God. I'll be glad when they go to their grandmother. I don't want to see no more kids. I don't want to see them. If they got grown kids, they can come in the house and just leave. Back out. But God has blessed me. Because the sad part, they will not give me. No kind of financial aid. They will not give me no food stamps. They won't give me anything. They won't give me anything. Because they told me I made too much. They said, you made $2 an hour. $2 an hour? I can't get no food stamps? We supposed to live off three adults and two kids? We supposed to live off $2 an hour? Yes, that's a lot of money. So I had to pay for daycare out of my pocket. I had to pay for food out of my pocket. And what happened was it left me broke. And I'm going to show you how good God showed up. My caseworker said, since they're in the system, what you can do, Mr. Collins, is they won't give you no kind of financial aid. Take a foster care license. I said, foster care license? They'll pay you $1,500 a month. I said, now, try to get me to understand this. I'm the grandfather. Y'all won't give me anything. But if they go over here to these foster care people that's not with my family, not with their family, you'll pay them $1,500. I said, the system must be screwed. Y'all should be wanting to keep the kids with the family and give them some kind of support. They didn't know. So I went back and got the foster care license. And they kicked in. And I was like, wow. And this has blessed me tremendously. This is the first time since my recovery that I didn't work and didn't have to work. But I'm ready to go to work as soon as they go. I'm ready to go. I'm tired of sitting around. I'm tired. I'm just not the type of person that can sit around. Recovery has blessed me. You know, I couldn't have did it without all the people in these rooms. Because y'all keep, y'all encourage me to stay clean by watching y'all go through what y'all go through and I hear what y'all go through. And I'm like, well, if I can't go through this, and they went through that same dilemma, you know, and I said, well, you know, I don't know. And I love ENA. If we went for the fellowship. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. And I'm not going to lie. You know, I don't know, where would I be? Yeah, I know where I'd be. I'd be still in a dope house. You know, God is good, and I don't want to keep y'all too long. And that's all I got to share. Thank you. ENA COLLINS- I got to the bottom. God is good. God is good. ENA COLLINS- Thank you. Okay, thanks for Brian, and it's a privilege to me to be able to introduce the next speaker. She's not only a friend, a recovering addict, she's very, very important to my wife and I in recovery. In recovery, there's not a lot of couples, you know, compared to the individual single people, but we've been able to form a good friendship with her and her husband, and we do a lot in life together. I remember her speaking once at a place called Camp Mac that had a lot of effect on this addict's recovery, and I'm anxious to hear her speak again today on God's Service, Self, and Society. With that, I give you Tara P. Come on. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. I'm going to wait on the recording guy. You're up, Tara. Come on. You're up, Tara. I've had so many significant amounts of clean time. You know, the first one comes with a year, 18 months, two years, you know, on up, you know, depending on how many you got. And I have eight, and I'm real proud of that because I didn't just sit around here in these rooms doing nothing for the last eight years. When I came in here, the first thing I had to do was get a relationship with the God of my understanding because he's the one that brought me to a program that was going to save my life and allow me to serve him. You know, I ended up here in Fort Wayne because of the God of my understanding, having a working knowledge and practicing the steps that I had learned in the first 18 months of my recovery, which is a whole other story because it was from a man in another fellowship, you know, but that's how God had it for me because I didn't have a relationship with the God of my understanding. I didn't know about any recovery of any sort. I came from a small town where they didn't have meetings, and the only AA meeting they had, everybody went to the bar afterwards. That was my understanding of a 12-step recovery program where I was from. So I didn't know that people got clean. I didn't know that you could become a better person, that you had, you know, a purpose in life, that God's will sent you in a direction where you could serve others. So when I got here, it was as a result of my 11-step prayer, which was God give me direction in my life and the strength to follow it. So I'm a country girl from a backwards town that we were excited when we got our second stoplight. Everybody gathered on the courthouse lawn. You know, that's where I came from. When he sent me here, after I got out of jail, I didn't have my kids. I didn't have a job. I didn't have... I had one sundress that fit me because I went from using some speed to being locked up. And so nothing fit me but one sundress. About like now. But that's a whole other story. So I got here. I didn't have anything. I didn't know anybody. I didn't have any place to go. But this is where he sent me. And he continued to work it out when I got here. He said, He put me in a women's recovery home. And I was like, God, really? Because at this point, I had a relationship with the God of my understanding. And we talked. And I was like, really, God? Fort Wayne? Really, God? A women's recovery house? I just spent 19 and a half intolerable months with women with the same problem as me that wasn't doing nothing. You want me to go into this place? Okay. So I stayed. And within two weeks of getting into the... Which was right after I got here. Within 10 days. I got a job that ended up being a really good foot in the door. I ended up becoming a part of this fellowship and was taken in and loved. I was guided because up to that point, I didn't have a fellowship. And they taught me. Now that God had gotten me here. And he had given me... He gave me some people to guide me. And they said, okay, you need to find a home group. Service is the only way you can keep what you've been so freely given. So you need to do some things. You can't just sit around in here. Whether you've worked on yourself and you're learning how to live a new way of life and you're practicing it by living in this house, but you need to do some things to help the next person. To do what God has for you. And I was like, okay. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. So I got a home group and I started learning from the group booklet about the group service positions. I took on secretary, which I found out is the person who does everything that doesn't get done by somebody else, which is usually most of the time. I remember my home group in the beginning when I joined it had two other members that showed up on a regular. And they were very controlling men. They were very strict. They were very gentle. They were very nice. They were very kind. I don't know if I could ever have been more gentle with them. I think they were very kind to me too. I think they were very good to me. They were very kind to me. But I'm glad that thank God I'm the woman that I am because I always held my ground with them. George V. Resti-Sozo, he told me and he taught me. All you had to do, put the chairs up. Pick up the literature. Chair a meeting. You know? That's, you know, hand out meeting lists. Whatever it is, just do something. You know, because when I got here, I didn't know. I was 19 and a half months clean when I came to Fort Wayne. But I had never been in a meeting before. You know, so I had to learn these things from those that were here before me. And I saw, I got a woman for a sponsor because it says in NA we should get men with men and women with women. So I got me a female sponsor from NA, you know, and the reason I picked her was because of the way she carried herself and the way she gave back. You know, she acted like a lady and she had some class and she was able to do some things around here that I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to act that way. I wanted to be able to conduct myself accordingly, you know, and get what she had. So she was all about service. She's the one that taught me if NA calls, do you really have a good answer or a good reason to say no? You know, she was a good person. You know, and if I do, I do. You know, I mean, when gas prices were high, I could not drive to Springfield, Illinois to share in a workshop. It was $4.50 a gallon. I just didn't have the money then, you know. But today, you know, if they need me to share in a workshop, here I am. You know, if you need me to step up and do serenity keeping, I will. You know, if I need to clean up in this hospitality room later this summer, I will. You know, if somebody needs to talk to me on the phone for five minutes just so they don't get high, I will. You know, it says in our literature, and I truly believe in the literature, it says the highest aspiration of the human heart is to be of service. And proper service is doing the right thing for the right reason. All that's in our literature. That's not just my shit. This is stuff that other addicts have proven over and over and over for years. Decades. You know, and I believe it because I've done it. And it's funny, and I've shared this before, that the password on my computer is service. And the hint is what keeps me clean. Because service does keep me clean because it keeps me out of myself. Keeps me from feeling sorry for me. You know, if I'm being of service to this fellowship and doing God's work in here, because I believe it is. This is a God-given program. And he brought us here. This is a God-given program. And he brought us here. And he brought us here to do things he wanted us to do for other addicts. And so I believe that's what I'm doing when I'm in here. And when I'm doing those things, it's real hard to feel sorry for me. It's real hard to be caught up in poor, poor me. And life is so hard. And this is so rough. And if I'm doing something for somebody else, I'm not staying stuck in my own shit. You know? I focus on me. I work on my steps. I don't stay in somebody else's stuff. But when I'm of service, I don't get caught up in me. And there's a big difference. I've learned it over the years. Sometimes the hard way. You know? So I always, I don't know why they put self first. Society is the next thing on the medallion. And I was self-centered long enough and selfish long enough that I definitely put self last on these. So, you know. After service would come society. And today, as a result of being able to be of service in this program and learning how to think of others selflessly, I am a productive member of society. You know? Today, I can pay bills. I can pay taxes. I can show up for a vote at the school. You know? I do things that are productive. Rather than a drain on society. Before, I cost money to each and every taxpayer. Because all the dollars they were spending to watch me while I was dealing dope and doing dope came out of the taxpayers dollars. You know? I would, I was not, I was not a good parent in the end. And they took my kids. While my kids were in the care of the state, they paid to feed my children. They paid to house my children. They paid to clothe my children. A drain on society. Society didn't have those kids. I did. You know? And that's a touchy subject for me. You know? I never quit loving my kids. But I was not a good parent in the end of my addiction. You know? I may have been able to be very sufficient, very good at maintaining for a long time. But in the end, I wasn't a good parent. Their needs could not come before the disease. The disease had to come first. Didn't mean I loved them any less. It just meant my disease had progressed to the point where it came first. I'm not that person anymore. You know? And I got my children back. You know? And that was by the grace of God. Because it went on for years. That's a whole other story too. But, you know, I've been around a long time. And there's been a lot of miracles that have happened in my life as a result of staying clean and doing the right thing just for today. One day at a time. Day after day after day. And, you know. I got my kids back. And I had prayed for that and prayed for that. And on top of that, you know, I married a man who has kids. And his youngest was in a position that wasn't healthy for her. It wasn't, you know. And we ended up with custody of her. So, you know. God, God in my understanding, like I said, we got a relationship. And he's funny. He's like, okay. And like you said, Brian. You know? You never thought you'd be the one. Well, I didn't think we would get her. I didn't think we'd be the one. And, you know, then now I'm raising a little girl that I love dearly. It stresses me out. You know? But today, I don't go and get high. You know? I can be there and be her mother when she needs me to be. I can send her with love off to her mother when she needs to be. You know? We didn't have to take the time. We didn't have to take that option of society having to be the one to take care of her. And that's awesome. You know? It's one of the ways, you know, that I see my God has a way for me to give back. To make my amends for some things I did that I would have not figured out myself. You know? I couldn't have figured out how to make an amends to society for having to take care of my kids. But the God of my understanding, you know, he did. And then there's self. I like myself today. I can take care of myself today without being selfish. Self-care is something that my sponsor also taught me about. And it's very important in our recovery to have a relationship with ourselves, to love ourselves, and to take care of ourselves. I found that. I found that when I came into recovery, I was getting clean to get my kids back. Because I wasn't the same without them. The longer I stayed here without my kids, that was when I learned that if I didn't stay clean for me, if I didn't take care of me, I couldn't be their mother. That I wouldn't stay clean after that. That I would go back to being a drain on society if I didn't get them back. Or when they went out on their own to live their lives. Or, you know, whatever the case may be. I had to take care of me and recover for me first. So that I could be the best woman I can be. To be the best mother they need. To be a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. To be a good servant of the God of my understanding. To be of service to a program that saved my life. And taught me how to live differently. These are things that were important that I take care of me in order to learn how to do. And that's, that was one of the hardest things for me to learn. Because when I got here, I didn't like me at all. I liked me so little I couldn't look at my own reflection in the mirror. Because I was a woman. Because I didn't like who I saw. I couldn't be alone. I stayed in relationships and up under other people because I didn't like being alone with me. So through the 12 steps that this program preaches about. You want to use that word. I've heard it so many times. I found freedom from me. I found freedom to be me. And, um. It's funny. I thought I knew who I was for 30 some years. I thought I knew who I was going to be in the end. And I thought I knew where my life was headed. And that that was what I wanted. Through working the 12 steps I found out I was completely wrong. You know. Um. There were some things that I did want to keep and build on. That were some assets. And that there was a lot of stuff that I really didn't need. And I could get rid of. And after the 4th step they've given me a way to do that. So that I have direction in my life. That my life will be what it's meant to be at this point. By doing the right thing one day at a time. Uh. The. This program doesn't work by magic. You know. I've had to put a lot of work into it. I know sometimes the newcomers are like, I can't believe you got all this time. And you're so. I had one girl say, you're so well put together. And I'm like, wow. She sees me in this meeting. And hears me share for this short period of time about one small thing in my life. You know. That I have a wonderful husband. Or that my kids are doing good in school. Or you know. She hears this one small thing and thinks that I've got it all down pat. And I have to share with newcomers sometimes that I'm not all that. I'm still crazy. The thoughts. Believe me. I still go into meetings after 8 years. And sometimes share some crazy shit. But that's because that's what's in my head. And that's why I'm still going to meetings. And I'm still going to meetings. And I'm still going to meetings. And I'm still going to meetings. And they told me to put it out there. Living with me is not easy. I'm an addict. And I continue to work on me in this process. I know things aren't done. And it's awesome how far I've come. Because I look back now and I think, my gosh. The people that knew me 9 years ago would not recognize me today. They wouldn't even know this. They'd say this person. You know. The essence of me might have been there. But not this person. So um. This process is incredible. And I'm so glad that I understand that it's a journey that I will continue to be on for the rest of my life. And that I don't have to be, you know. There's only one perfect person. And that's the God of my understanding. You know. out of my understanding. He's the only one without fault. And recognizing that fault was another thing that has allowed me a lot of freedom because now I've been able to forgive myself, which makes me able to forgive others. God society, or God, service, society, and self. It's the perfect combination of how this program brings your life into focus. For me, it was focus. And I'll talk about my experience. It was those four things once I had a grasp of the concept of each of those and then got a better understanding through the experience of other addicts and began to work on them for myself. It gave me focus in my life. I get up here and I share on the fly because I study my literature. Because I work steps. Because I study traditions and service concepts. And because I take the spiritual principles contained in those steps and I apply them every day. At home, at work, at school, with my family. With my friends, with other recovering addicts, with people I don't even know that I run into. And I do that because that makes my life so much better than it used to be I love the life I have today and the one thing about it is it's possible for anybody that wants it. Anybody. If it don't seems like me can get clean and have the life that I have, you know, I'm heart desperate. Because do they feel pain for me? You know, I got married in this process. I got my kids back. We bought a house. I'm a full-time student again. You know, these are things that I never imagined for myself a decade ago when I didn't have my kids and hadn't seen them, hadn't even seen them in a year and was still using. But, you know, I'm so grateful to God for bringing me to NA, for the addicts that were here and kept this program alive before me, and for those that continue to stick around and help me stay clean on a regular basis because I've never forgotten since I got here that this is not something I've done by myself. It was through God, service, society, and self. You know, that other addicts have helped me get this far in my life. Thanks for allowing me to share. Thank you.