The Promises of Step 9 and the Unvarnished Truth – Alice

Good afternoon. Can you hear me? I have a soft voice, so... It's one of the blessings of getting older. My voice has changed. when I was a child my mother was always telling me to be quiet to be quite just anywhere alright trying not to make too many funny noises I am Alice. I am an alcoholic and many other things as well, but this is recognizing my alcoholism and admitting who I am to a whole bunch of people and being honest every day has given me the life I have today, which really is the life always wanted. I just didn't know how to get it. I had 17 years of sober living. I came in. I stayed out there a long time. I belonged in here before I got here. A long time. Finally to get here. So I sort have had to jump start my program and I've worked hard. I've really worked hard and it has been worth it. I have also 12 years of freedom from nicotine and about, never quite sure, about 7 or 8 years of intentional eating. I was at the first meeting of Buddhism in the 12 Steps at the Minnesota Zen Center, which Judith started. And I really personally credit the practice of mindfulness with bringing my 12-step program truly to a different level and truly to life. I'm honored to be able to talk a little bit about that with you today. I'm really going to look at the big book and then look at some teachings from a couple of people whose books I've been reading. I'm an accidental Buddhist and the little Iowa farm girl Methodist in me who travels with me everywhere I go is very surprised to be sitting here in front of a bunch of people in a Buddhist meditation class I grew up a Methodist, and it was really quite sweetly nurturing. And I have a very fond, nostalgic connection to the Lord's Prayer. It was in my life at least three or four times a week, and that was a pretty good environment. I really took a lot of good things out of it. However, being who I am, I looked across the road at the Lutherans and I thought they were having a heck of a lot more fun. They got to smoke and drink and dance. And you know, I really knew that was where it was. So when I became an adult, I became a Lutheran. And we know where some of those practices brought me, directly to the 12-step program, but it took a while. I became Lutheran, I got married, we had children, I did all kinds of things. I got sober, and in the course of those years I danced around a lot of other kinds of religious practices. I was really taken with channeling and doing all kinds of kind of bizarre New Age sorts of things, and I thought that was fun. Yeah, I had a good time doing that. And then I got into 12-step recovery, and I kind of cobbled together my own... Alice's individual spiritual path and and that worked pretty well it worked pretty well for quite a few years until I had a health crisis and what I found then was there is this big hole I really wanted some way to reach like that peaceful place within myself and I I had the sense that it was there but I was looking for some way to be still, some way to find that. And for a while, by then my husband was practicing Buddhist and had thought that would be a wonderful path for me, and I really don't appreciate always being, taking his wisdom to heart. So I thought the last thing in the world I'm going to do is go sit with those strange people on those cushions. So, so there you are. And so I had this health crisis and my husband graciously went to a Quaker church with me. And we tried that for a little while. And I didn't find it there. so one night he said why don't you come over to common ground and mark's going to be talking and just just sit and i said well i'm not going to sit on those cushions he said no they have a chair it's not a chair so i um okay i'll go so i went and the first night there i mean just one of those coincidences i don't remember what mark talked about mark nunberg's a teacher over there. But I thought, I know what he's saying. I know what he is talking about. I knew what this was all about. I get it. And I couldn't believe it. I was so surprised that I went back the next week. And then I kept going back and then I got meditation cushions for Christmas. There are his been heard and and one day I had a meeting that I called mark and we had a meeting and I said to him you know I think I've accidentally become one of you so here I am here I'm speaking I think what I want to do is really well Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. I what I've done with this in steps today is to consider them in the context of right speech so I'm going to take I really want to quote directly from the big book and why I've taken now I didn't go through the whole section I've I've given some quotes out as a big book you know just want to go over what they say about it, what Bill said about it. Let's look at Steps 8 and 9. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. I love that. There's a way to get done. hey, there's a way to be accountable for my behavior and then to be done with the past. And I took that literally, and I still do, I do take that very literally. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any length for victory over alcohol we are trying to put our lives in order but this is not an end in itself our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people around us with a person we dislike we go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit under no circumstance do we criticize such a person or argue his faults are not discussed we stick to our own reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience We ask that we be given the strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. And this brings us to the promises at the end of Step 9. One of the goals I set for myself this year was to memorize, to commit the promises to heart. if we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through we are going to know freedom and a new happiness we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it we will comprehend the words serenity and we will no peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in ourselves. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity he will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle the situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. I want to go back to this we will not regret the past and wish to shut the door on it I was a drunk mother of six my children have some less than happy memories of their mother that is the honest unvarnished truth and I've made amends but I just want to say that because there are a lot of things that I could feel very shameful and guilty about. But by really working the steps, and I do mean really working them, and keeping them alive in my life daily, I do not regret the past. I really do not. I have come to a place of... Well, I'm always sad about it, a little sad, but of acceptance about this is reality and today is today. And one of my daughters said recently, said something about her childhood and something in the past, and she said, but Mom, it's different today. It's different. And that's there. That's the thing that's worth doing. Okay. I also wanted to refer to something that came up in our small group. That I thought, I think it was Joshua said it was, I thought it was a good point. He's been working through that fourth and fifth seminar. And he mentioned that he has been working with his sponsor very intensely as he's going through that process. And the sponsor was really able to offer some good grounding about not to have unrealistic expectations about these promises happening, you know, the moment you finish your fourth and fifth step and you're going to walk out and there's, whoa, you now, all of your economic insecurity will have left you. Well, probably not quite like that. but that if you work if you really work it in the end and you reference the people around you then it you really can't work to the realization of the promises that sometimes slowly is important this thought brings us to step 10 which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and set right any new mistakes as we go along this is not an overnight matter and i'm quoting again it should continue for our lifetime continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear when these crop up we ask god at once to remove them and i do what judith does i automatically that language just doesn't i mean i just there's so many richness there's too much richness in all the traditions but it really doesn't matter which thing I tap into. I mean, I just don't have to even... God is just... Just whatever. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly. Love and tolerance of others is our code. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us which seems to me to have everything to do with right speech and to put that into the context of right speech we as addicts know and have experienced the reality of the Four Noble Truths there is suffering we all know about suffering and suffering arises out of desire we know about that There is cessation of suffering. And those of us who are in the program and sober and working, whatever programs we're working in, we also know about cessation. The way to the cessation is the Eightfold Path. And I think the steps on the Eight-fold Path, I think that's what I recognized when I went to that first meditation. The steps, the philosophy, the underpinning, that's all interwoven, interconnected, very, very similar. All going toward the same place, if you will. In our recovery, the first three steps bring us to the Eightfold Path. We, in essence, must turn our will and our lives over to a different way of being in relationship to the universe around us. The steps in concert with the Eightfold Path lead us into that new way of relating to everything. In Buddhist monk Ajahn Sumedho's book, The Mind and the Way, he approaches the Eight Fold Path with him this way. The Eight Fold Pass practice by setting forth right view or being constantly mindful of our thoughts and actions as the first factor, followed by the second factor of right intention or attitude in which we recognize our unwholesome impulses and habitual tendencies which brings us to the next three factors the first of which is right speech which he teams up with factor four, right action and factor five, right livelihood. These three, says Semato are the moral side of the Eightfold Path. Once you really and truly see the truth of your behavior using the first two factors and I quote you are no longer inclined to use your body or speech for harming yourself or other beings. This brings emotional balance and we feel at peace, says Samedo, because we don't hurt or steal or lie. There are not regrets, we are not guilt-ridden and there is a feeling of calm, equanimity and humility. From this feeling of peace come the sixth, seventh and eighth aspects, Right effort, right mindfulness and right concentration. With effort, mindfulness and concentration the passive and active are in balance. It's like learning to walk. You're always going off-balance and falling down but in that very process you're developing strength just as a baby does. Once you know what it means to be in balance then it's no problem. You can walk, you can run, you can twirl around, you can leap. This surely speaks to the freedom experienced in Step 9, as well as the need for constant vigilance and mindfulness of Step 10, the trial and error learning process required to bring balance into our lives. I wanted to read what Thich Nhat Hanh had written in his book living buddha living christ he has this to say about speech in his discussion of the fourth precept aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others. And boy, did I have that inability in my life. I don't know about you. Whoa. I vowed to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord or that can Cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts however small and he goes on to say the precept admonishes us not to lie not to say things that destroy friendships and relationships but to use wholesome loving speech speaking unmindfully or irresponsibly can destroy us because when we lie we lose faith in our own duty and we lose the trust of others. We have to dissolve all prejudices, barriers, and walls and empty ourselves in order to listen and look deeply before we utter even one word. When we are mindful of words, it helps us, our families, and our society. We also need to practice the fourth precept as individuals and as a nation. There is little real communication between members of one family, between individuals and society and between nations. We have to learn ways to communicate again. And end of quote. Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that the use of mindful breathing as a way to recognize our emotions and reactions, our anger, jealousy, envy, etc., this is a way to see deeply into the situation to see, and I quote, the nature and risks of our anger or other emotions. So learn to stay with it for a few moments or as long as it takes to experience and see what happens before we act or speak. And I think, for me, what has been so tremendously helpful in working my 11th step, what the meditation practice has really said that was finally I had something a way not just to see not just when I was angry not just seeing when I wasn't ready to say something corrosive but in that moment of recognition to not indulge it just be with it no escape no escape not to find a way out not you know not to either do it or repress it but just to say oh and my sponsors have offered this and so they're wondering oh there's my anger oh there yeah there'smyanger oh there it is oh thereitisagain yes there'smyo there'smerudeness oh yep there and just to keep noticing that all day long and find out what happens so I wanted to give you one little anecdote from my own daily life which is a tiny inconsequential kind of thing one of these everyday things that happen all the time this is really how this comes to life this is how I work this program is how my mindfulness feeds into it this has to do with my husband of 49 years and myself and he is one of the people on my 8th step list to whom my 9th step thanks to the counsel of a wise, wise woman my sponsor takes the form of a living amend, altered behavior on my part for the remainder of our lives together. And this took place several weeks ago. My husband was leaving the house in the morning and our son had been ill and we'd been concerned about him and I told my husband that I was going to call him. I was going to try and reach him that morning, and we needed to find out he actually was going to celebrate his seventh year of sobriety. And we had been invited to attend a celebration and we didn't know if he was well enough to go or if he wasn't going to go. So I told Craig that yes, I was really going to call Bob and I was just going to find it out. I hadn't been able to reach him before he went to bed. And so Craig said, well, be sure to call me this morning if you get lost. Be sure to tell me because I really need to know. You know, I want to know about his health and I also want to known for my schedule. So I said, oh, yes, of course I will. Yes, yes. Yes, Craig, I will call you. So I called my son. I got him on the phone. We had a nice conversation. and told me that the celebration would not be taking place, and so I hung up. And I got really busy, and I rushed around, and I left the house, and I completely forgot that I had made a commitment that I promised to call my husband. So that night when Craig got home, he said, you must not have talked to Bob. Hmm. well there was this long pause and guilt flows in oh shit I've done it again um and I really didn't want to tell him um so immediately I thought how could I get out of it okay I could go and call Bob right now and we'd have this conversation I could report the information to Craig as if I had not talked to him this morning right okay it isn't easy well and then I that mindfulness thing that I do uh oh uh oh dishonesty and is this an old pattern yes is that what I would have done before that's what I wouldn't have done well I can't do that So, I took a deep breath and I said, yes, I did talk to Bob. And the presentation is off. And I just forgot to call you. The look on Craig's face, he's got this wounded look. and he said well that was the only thing I asked you to do and you didn't do it so then I got angry I thought well he should have known he knows I'm busy what did he think expect me to call him in the middle of my busy day so there I am but that's about as far as I got I stayed with it I kind of bristled back at him and we just he walked away I walked away but I stayed with it I just stayed with those feelings very uncomfortable and and when I was ready they sort of came to this it comes to that place where I can stand to look at it this really is the truth I was discourteous I was not thoughtful and there's a consequence so when I was ready got to that little place of acceptance I have to get you I could go into my husband and make a formal apology okay then the next morning during our morning reading and meditations time which we do together we each took the risk to be vulnerable about what that incident brought up for each one of them so really come to full circle where we can both be honest and he can talk about how you know what was going on with him and his own insecurities and blah blah and i can talk mine and how that came and and that's where we've walked into a new stage of intimacy in our lives after 49 years we are you know we really can trust one another to do this so um that that kind of communication didn't exist so i think this really illustrates That's exactly what these readings were talking about. And practicing the steps in the context of right speech in this situation is all about living with what is, staying fully present in difficult circumstances and acting in a respectful and loving way. It feels more balanced. I am indeed learning to walk without falling down, to face situations which used to hook me, make different choices to leap and twirl and embrace whatever life brings without having to escape which brings me to the fullness of the worthwhile life we get in recovery and I'd like to close with a poem by Mary Allison called yes no how necessary it is to have opinions. I think the spotted trout lilies are satisfied. Standing a few inches above the earth, I think serenity is not something you just find in the world like a palm tree holding up its white petals. The violets along the river are opening their blue faces, like small dark lanterns. The green mosses, being so many, are as good as brownies. How important it is to walk along, not in haste, but slowly, looking at everything and calling out, yes, no. The swan, for all his pomp, his robes of glass and petals, wants only to be allowed to live on the nameless pond. The cat briar is without fault. The water thrushes down among the sloppy rocks are going crazy with happiness. Imagination is better than a sharp instrument to pay attention. This is our endless and proper work. Thank you.