The Progression of the 12 Steps – Herb K – Workshop – Part 18 of 25 – Herb K.

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. My name is Herba and I'm an alcoholic. Welcome to our big book 12-step telephone workshop. Please join me in prayer for an open mind. God please set aside everything that I think I know about myself, my brokenness, my spiritual path, and you for an open mind and a new experience of myself my brokenness my spiritual path and especially please join me in the serenity prayer God grant me this or energy to accept to things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. I've used the metaphor of the rocket launch, but because Bill uses it he doesn't explain it in the depth or use it in a way that I do. On page 25 he says we're rocketed into the fourth dimension. If you really plumb the depths of that metaphor, what he is saying is you need to get into the rocket. That's your job. And the rocket will take you where it's destined to go. Now, you will in fact navigate some of the controls to make sure it stays on the trajectory. The major navigation in this second stage of the rocket launch. The first stage was an experience, not just a knowledge. an experience a re-experience a new experience a deeper experience of the darkness of our addiction once again confirming and reconfirming our powerlessness and our absolute desperate need for power a decision we make in step two about power and a decision remaking step three for a relationship with a caring power these are minimum agree assumptions minimum assumptions that there is a power and that power is available to me it isn't me but it's available to me that's a distance decision not a feeling not knowledge or certitude just a decision that it's true, and that we can establish our relationship with a caring power. That's the first stage of the rocket launch, and the second stage is in some areas they call it the sine qua non, that's Latin. It means without which nothing's going to happen, steps four through seven. Bill says that on page 64. He says you may have an experience with that first stage and it may be quite powerful look at the material on page 63 at the conclusion of step three but then on 64 he says but it won't last the feeling that you have as the result of your experience with the stage one steps 1 2 & 3 could be quite powerful but it won't last unless you do steps 4 through 7 this second stage there's a third stage I won't even get into it at all right now the third stage of course like the second stage is removing obstacles the second state removes the obstacles in us to us to the power in us the third stage steps eight and nine remove the obstacles in us in our relationship with others which is an obstacle to the power that is in us such an organic human process and we've taken months literally looking at the fourth step that first list of instincts gone awry we've looked at fight flight and freeze translated into our human survival reactions of resentment and fear and dishonesty as revealed a lot in our sexual behavior as as well as our secrets, the areas of discomfort, the tension in our lives. We've talked about the fifth step, revealing all those things that we wrote about. We can only do the best that we can do. So for you out there, the 30% of you that I know you're there, perfectionists, It's not about being perfect. Bill, recognize that on page 60. Progress, not perfection. We're not saints. And it's not even a goal, actually. My goal is to be an optimal human being. but what does that mean well you you I'm suggesting ask yourself that question for yourself I know what it means for me it means to be as conscious as possible using 10 and 11 on the daily basis and compassion that is possible using step 12 principles and helping other people for me that's what means to be fully human and fully alive optimally human to be the lantern removing the fog impediments obstacles on the lens so that the light can shine through me I'm not the light of the lantern this is my model for sponsorship and step guy how can I be most effective in communicating what I understand and what I've experienced so that you can understand it and take the actions and have the experience step six and seven appear to be very simple sometimes get very short attention in the rooms or even by sponsors and step guides because it just seems so simple six acknowledge your character defects seven except that you're powerless over it and make a prayer and move on well that's what I did the very first time I did these steps even with a mechanic 1988 I was four years sober and this man said read the paragraph on page 76 highlight it read the paragraph on page 76 the second paragraph and highlight it so the first paragraph is about step six the second is about seven step seven and he said in the second there's the prayer that's the entire paragraph that's The Entire Instruction is pray bill has a suggested prayer this man said to me rewrite it in your own language like we did with the third step not to improve it but to understand it to get underneath the words and the phrases when we have to put it into our own words of course we have understand the words in the book and then pray the prayer unlike the third step where the book suggests we pray with somebody else and that is of course then my experience and my instruction the seven-step prayer doesn't say that now I have no problem with praying with your sponsor or step guide the seven-stepped prayer when you're ready it's just not the instruction in the big book I've not done that none of my sponsors or step guides have asked me to do that and I didn't ask them to do it let's take a look at the first paragraph step six if we can answer to our satisfaction what oh all the questions on page 75 at the end paragraph that was a suggested meditation after you finish your fifth step all about the spiritual arch through which you'll walk to a new freedom reviewing the first five steps a a meditation cement stones foundation mortar sand it's a construction analogy only to signify that it's about paying attention to the details have you done the best you can actually knowing that it's not the best, you can and yet it's the best. You could and it's good enough please you can't do it wrong well maybe you could is not doing but you can do it wrong you can do it to the best of your ability and then a year three five ten years later depending on how the spirit works in your life you may be invited to do it again and you'll have a different experience not because you did it wrong but because you're more conscious and more mature and more evolved spiritually and emotionally that's totally my experience the dimmer switch goes up a notch at a time and after three years I did this work again 1991 after three years I this work-again 1994 after nine years I did the work again in 2003. And I haven't done it with a mechanic, with a step guide since then. I haven�t felt the need. I've artificially sometimes made a decision to do it and then it just didn't feel authentic. It didn't feel like there was any real invitation. It sounded like it was kind of like a rote should and as you know i challenge all my shoulds we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable this is the key to step six it's another inventory step four is an inventory of our character defects excuse me step four is an inventory of our instincts gone awry step six is an inventory of character defects and step eight is an inventory of how those character defects manifest in behavior to harm others in fact it's just come to me as I'm speaking with you here step two is actually an inventory what's your belief about life and reality as I've mentioned before and I have a schema in the back of the way of life document that shows this all of the even steps are knowledge steps our lists and inventory and knowing all of odd steps our decision and action steps again reconfirming that these steps are built organically for the human being human because they have a mind that knows and a will that makes decisions and takes voluntary actions it doesn't say to make a list of our character defects but it kind of implies it I need to know what my character defects are, if in fact I'm going to be willing to let God remove them. Let God implore God, plead with God, humbly ask to be changed. Are we ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? could you admit it if you didn't make a list we made somewhat of a list informally in step four my process was to look at my step four and any notes that i had from step five in prayer and meditation making a list of what i thought were character defects and there may have been 30 or 40 or 50 it was over 30 years ago actually don't remember but there was one that was a dominant character defense in fact it was so dominant it was going to undermine my profession it was going to undermined my relationship it was my marriage it was going to undermine even my sobriety built promises on page 70 I made the list I created my own seven-step prayer and I prayed it can God now take them all everyone if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask God to help us be willing that was very clear that willingness was the key to the sixth step there by definition their character defects there's nothing asset about it some of the men I work with are confused and they think their liabilities are an asset because in fact they seem to have served them in terms of their especially businesses and when they really get a clear lens to look through they can see that that's a distortion there in recovery because their defects are not an asset they're a liability they're the distortions of reality that forces us to make bad decisions and take ugly actions that hurt other people the second paragraph is just prayer and I love that it starts with the words my creator I have made a list of all of the corruption of my human nature I need to be recreated and the prayer begins my Creator and when you notice the prayer and pay attention to it pray about the prayer and write your own prayer you'll notice that it has nothing to do with your joy your happiness your contentment your satisfaction or your freedom The prayer is not about you. The prayer is about making me an instrument for proper use by God and usefulness to other people. Again, that turning that Bill talks about in step three from self-centeredness to other-centerednes and I see that steps 10, 11, and 12 are all about that. Our way of living and most certainly we take care of ourselves. As the flight attendant says, put your mask on first and then you can help other people. And we have to have a message in order to be able to deliver a message. And we no credibility if in fact we're talking but we're not walking the message. So we have take care ourselves biologically psychologically sociologically theologically at all of those levels on the maslow chart and so i had my list and there was nothing that i wanted to retain i really did want to be transformed to have my character defects removed so that I could be an optimal human being by my today's language. And I prayed the prayer. This is still about step six, but it includes step seven, so that's why I'm talking about it. I prayed a prayer, the general prayer, like it says in the book. like my step guy gave me the instruction. And the next day I woke up and I still had this dominant character defect that was undermining every aspect of my life. I mean, I knew it and I even acted on it. I was very disappointed. I had expected freedom. All the work that I had done, all the promises that I understood actually misunderstood. I went to my step meeting, it's a men's stag meeting that does the work out of the book. And the man shared there about praying specifically for the removal of a specific character defect, not in the big book, not in The Twelve and Twelve, but it was his experience and I heard it. and I went home and in a couple days I went into my room I closed the door I got on my knees I got on me at that time because my sponsor had said he got on his knees and he got his knees not because God wants that not because it gets God's attention this man who was an arrogant man like myself he said I got on my knees as an act of humility as an active subordination as an act relationship with a teacher with a guru with a healer I got on my knees to get my attention and I went to pray the prayer specifically for the removal of the specific character defect and I couldn't pray it I had to stop I'm so conscious at this point I had to stop because I wasn't willing at all despite all the months of fourth step in the hours of fifth step and the preparation for six and seven I wasn t willing it was a shock but I remembered the instruction in step 6 if you're not willing pray for the willingness again we're powerless to even be willing and I prayed specifically for the specific freedom actually i prayed for the willingness to be willing to be willing to bewailing it was pretty remote but i did the drill even though i really in my heart didn't mean it i was viscerally attached to this character defect and i called the man who was guiding me through the steps relating to him what i had related to you and he said wow what a great insight herb you found that you really actually in your unconscious weren't willing but you prayed for the willingness specifically good job he wasn't condescending he was literally reinforcing the awakening that I had had to a new level of conscience and then he said now stop the behavior and he took me to a new level I'm responsible for the behavior I'm powerless over the character defect what a great distinction that was it was life changing he said this is how it's going to work you'll pray every day for the removal specifically of that character defect because you're powerless and you will call me every day and tell me how you're doing in your behavior with regard to that specific character defect you'll pray because you are powerless you'll call me because you re human and responsible for your behavior well quite frankly within 48 hours the behavior ceased it's never returned the inclination was there for two or three more years I called him every day for a while and then we agreed I would call him once a week once a week to report in how I was behaving and what my inclination was the behavior went away within 48 hours the inclination for the behavior took about two years to go away but the lesson here bottom line if you really want to change based on my experience identify what you want to Change pray for the change because you're powerless hold yourself accountable whether that's daily or weekly or monthly that's between you and your accountability partner to determine and you will change if you continue with the prayer and the accountability more often than not people stop the prayer end or the accountability and they then become unconscious that they're unconscious and they resume the behavior again or continue the behavior it's kind of like the deep resentment prayer for the removal in between third and fourth column many people begin that practice on a daily basis as i recommended because it was my experience many people however stop doing it on a day basis or stop doing it all together and they don't have the experience because they get impatient we're addicts we want it now it's a dimmer switch it goes up a notch at a time the light goes up a notch out of time it gets incrementally and suddenly brighter and we don't know that it's getting brighter until there's enough light both to see and enough power change I cannot change without sufficient power but I have the responsibility to make the effort to change prayer and accountability step 6 and 7 were pivotal in life-changing certainly not the throwaway steps that some people treat them as because they're not expanded on in the big book very simple read the 12 and 12 chapter 6 and 7 in the uh to have a little more commentary very few instructions in the 12-12 but really wonderful supplemental complementary commentary so we'll bring it to conclusion and join me in the serenity prayer God grant me the serendipity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things that I can and wisdom to know the difference thanks everybody