The Program of Suggestions and the Work We Have to Do – Tampa F.

Is this a meeting or what? Let me tell you, I have been to more meetings than Hogan's Goat is Irish and I come up here on Monday nights many a time just to feel better, you know. You can have a bad day and come to this meeting and you're going to feel besser when you leave. I just got to tell you that. Now, you Know, I'm supposed to tell what it was like and what happened and what it's like today so I'm going to do that and I hope and pray that you new people in here If you want what we have And you're willing to do anything in the world To get there I want you to believe with all your heart That all the people in this room Are willing to help us get there One day at a time So for God's sakes If you don't hear what you want to hear tonight Come on back here next Monday like I do I guarantee you probably will Well let me tell you what happened You know most of us that came into this program We didn't like ourselves too much Did we? You know, we thought we weren't good enough. We thought we were not as good as. We thought that we were worse than. You know? We didn't fit in. We didn' t belong. Well, you know, I learned to believe that when I was a little tiny boy. My father made sure that I knew that I was mistake. A mistake! Can you believe that? He wanted a boy and a girl. and my beautiful mother had two boys and then a little girl. So I was in the middle. I never fit in with my family. My father was a drunk lawyer, okay? And he would rant and rave and make sure that I knew I was absolutely no good. So I Was born with that. And it stuck with me for a lot of years. You know, I had an uncle that decided that if I did certain things for him when I was a little boy, I would become a good boy. And we all know what kind of things those were. And when I went and I finally got smart, knew what was going on, I told my mother about it. She told my father about it, and he didn't believe me. So I was stuck again. My father would beat my mother senseless. He would beat me sister senseless He would beat my brother senseless and he would beat me senseless. And then finally one day, when I became big enough and my daddy went in there after my mother, I got in between them. And let me tell you, he picked up a kitchen chair and started to come at me and I said, Let me tell You something. You don't want me to get up, so You better make sure it counts. And boy, he tried. He slammed a kitchen share across my back And the chair broke It wasn't one of those TV stunt chairs either This was a dining room chair But I got up And I did a job on him Like you wouldn't believe And do you know what? I felt good I really did And you know What else happened? He never laid a hand On my mother Or my sister again And that made me Even feel better And then I go back To my little tiny place Where I lived I think it was a room Or maybe a small apartment And I'm still burning And so I get a ball bat and I go take off after my uncle. And I did a job on him like he wouldn't believe. I damn near killed the son of a gun, you know. But the good Lord wouldn't let me do it. He wouldn't Let me finish him off. I was arrested for attempted murder. And then it was dropped down to assault. And then naturally all the other little kids in the neighborhood that, you know, he told he would help them become good boys. They started to come out of the woodwork and nothing happened to me. and he went to prison, and that's the name of that term. But I still thought I wasn't good enough. And as I got older, I had to be better then. You know, that was the goal in my life. I got into car business. I started selling cars, you know. And I'm selling cars and there's the thing. Yeah, right. Hey, let me tell you, there's an ass for every seat. I've got to tell you about that. But anyhow, I'm selling cars, and I've got to be number one. You know, that's where I had to be. I had constantly proved myself all the rest of my years. I had a lot of work to do. There was a thing as a magazine that comes out from the Auto Dealers Association, the NADA, and they always list the top ten salesmen in the United States. I was on that list many a time in the top five for one month after the other, year after year after year and let me tell you something it didn't do me a bit of good at all but I was number one and I could see my name I saw myself approval you know it's really going on but you know something else I learned in the car business I learned how to gamble you know I learned how to gamble I learned how to sports bet I'm drinking with these guys like crazy and I'm betting with them and to make a long story short I ended up a bookie That's what happened I ended up a bookie And once you're a bookee And you start lending money Then you become a loan shark And I'm lending money at 3% a week Can you imagine that? 3% of a week Now you take 50 people You give them $1,000 And they got to pay you 3% Until they get that $1.000 paid back Let me tell you what It takes a long time to do that And that was a tremendous amount of money So now I'm number one and I got a lot of money. Didn't do me any good at all. I drank up more than I ever made in my whole life. I lost every job I ever had due to this damn disease. Can you believe that? Every job. You know, my hours at work were Monday. And that's if I was on time. You know? I'll never forget I had this one job in the car business and the guy that hired me, he knew I could sell cars. He didn't give me any hours at all. He knew better than that. He said, you sell 20 cars a month. He says, I don't care whether you sell them in two weeks or you take the whole month, whatever. You get 20 cars sold, you can take the rest of the month off and that's how I did that. And I got fired from that too. I didn't get fired for being late or being early or anything. I just got fired, you know. I got fired because of the fact that they could not depend on me. I lost everything I had twice, twice. I didn't learn the first time. I had to go through this all again, you know. I think the first times I had about six, eight months of sobriety and I was a real expert and I figured I didn' t need y'all anymore and sure enough, I lost it all again. You know? Two beautiful wives, both of them, Both of those lovely, lovely ladies are victims of this disease. One has 17 years of sobriety now. Can you imagine that? She's raising a daughter on her own, not mine. This was after our marriage. She goes to AA. She works a program. She's getting her act 100% together, doing a wonderful job. And I am so proud of her. You know, it just goes to show that no matter what is going on in our lives, if we really want to get sober and stay sober, and if the situation demands it, we don't have a choice. We just don't Have a choice like, you know, I always wanted to fit in with people. Let me tell you what happened to me when I'm being this big idiot of a loan shark. I weighed 326 pounds. Can you imagine that? 326. I used to walk, and I'm trying to fit in. Anyhow, you know, you had to grease me to get me in one of them chairs, let me tell you. But I'd walk around in a white suit and a white hat. I wore white shoes. I had this white Mercedes. And in the wintertime, I wore a white ermine coat. Can you imagine? And I had diamonds and gold dripping off of me like a dairy queen. I swear, I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy on payday. That's how I looked. I can't believe it, you know. And I lost all that. I lost it all. I loved that life. I loved all the flash and I loved all the cash. But when I went home, there's nobody there. And it didn't matter. And I would drink more and more and more. And as my little loan sharking business grew, I was offered an opportunity that I couldn't refuse. And you know how all that happens. Well, I met with those people and they gave me a pretty good deal. And things grew and grew and grew from there. But do you know what? After a while, after about two years, I even got kicked out of that. I got kicked out of the bad guys club. You know? Because I was drinking all the time and I couldnít keep my mouth shut. You know how you get, don't you? Boy, we're experts when we're drunk. We can solve all the problems of the world, can't we? Well, anyhow, I ended up and I lost all that. I lost my home. I lost everything. And I ended Up, I'm staying at this little motel in Columbus, Ohio. It's called the Easy Sleep Motel. I'll never forget. Easy sleep, you know. It was a house of ill repute. But I couldn't afford the girls, but I could afford that room that they rented me. And I had this Mercedes memory I told you about. Well, by this time, this son of a gun was dented everywhere but the headlights, you know. And I think only one of those worked. But I'd go out and I'd borrow money against this car. I'd get it. I'd have to go to, guess what? I'd got to another loan shark. You know, it's stupid. And I would pay it off, you now. And they'd give me the paperwork back and I could drive the car. But you know what? There was a time there when I didn't make those payments, you know. And they repoed my car. And I stand before you today as sober man, but I'm also the only guy you've ever seen in your life that ever got his Mercedes repoed from in front of the whorehouse. You know? I mean, think about it. You know. It was terrible. Okay, now I'm just going along here and I'm trying to get sober and I'M TRYING TO GET MY LIFE IN ORDER and I am homeless, homeless, drop-down dead homeless. I mean, I'm arguing about who gets to use the toothbrush. I'm lucky to have a pair of shoes. I'm drinking out of a paper bag and I don't have anywhere to hang my hat. I don' t have anywhere to call home. You know, we used to work to get enough money if you could get there on time to get a room at the Salvation Army. And that was then you were top dog. And if you had a wristwatch, by God, you were the king. That's how it got for me. Lost it all. Did I pay attention? Did I have a problem with alcohol? No. I didn't have a problems with alcohol. I'd tell anybody that. There was always something else. There was some other excuse. It was always something, but it was never the fact that I was a drunk. You know, I got arrested 16 times. That's one sixth time for drunk driving down here. Y'all call a DUI up north. They call it O.M.V.I., you know, 16 times had my last drink February 23rd, 1985. But I got to tell you, before that, you were innocent till proven broke. And I was broke. You know, I never went to jail until I was broke. I came into this program in 1977. Now y'all just heard my sobriety date. That meant I had to do some research for about eight years. Okay? That meant I was coming in and out. More out than in. You know. There's twelve steps. That's too many. You know? Step one, step twelve, go rescue somebody, bring them over to your house. They puke all over your furniture, you know. Or you drag them to an AA meeting and they puke there or go to sleep. Hopefully they go to bed. They go to go to leave. That's what I was doing. I was an expert in recovery. Doggone. And then finally, I'm at a men's store in Columbus, Ohio buying a shirt or something. It's 10 o'clock in the morning. I hadn't even had a drink that day. Yet, well, yeah, you had your shooter, but that didn't count. You know, that just makes things steady, you know. You like that? Anyhow, that Just Makes Things Steady. But I'm walking out of this store and I pass out like a mackerel, just right down there on the cold marble floor. And they take me to the hospital. Of course, I'd been in detox by then probably four or five times. You know I knew that drill. and a very nice lady from the alcohol unit at Riverside Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. She came down and told me, she says, Bobby, you have two things left. And I really had to be an idiot. With some smart attitude, I looked up at her and I said, what's that? And she looked me right in the eye and she said, more DTs and death. That was the choice. Did I pay attention? No. I go to detox again. I'm in there for four days. I come out a new man. I stay sober for 15 or 20 minutes, honest, you know. And then I'm doing it again. I was living with a girl. Here's when I got sober. I was leaving the house. I was sleeping with a lady in Columbus, Ohio. I'll never forget. We were going to go on this trip to the Bahamas. Now, I don't know how we were going to do that, but we were gonna do it. and I mean it was set and the night before we're ready to leave I'm out there doing my thing you know 326 pounds a hot summer night and I'm drunk and I come walking into her house at about 4 o'clock in the morning and she proceeded to ask me where I'd been and I proceeded to tell her and we got in an argument and I hate to admit this and I want you to forgive me God already has i took that woman by her arms i didn't hit her or anything but i shoved her now you got to remember i'm over 300 pounds she's about 90 pounds soaking wet with a rock in her pocket and i shoves her into the drywall and she stuck in it she stuck it as the story goes and i had to be told this story i go upstairs and i try to kill myself try to shoot myself of course i'm drunk i can't even load the gun. I pass out on the bedroom floor. I wake up in the morning still dressed. There's the gun there's the bullets. I go walking downstairs like nothing happened and she proceeded to tell me that we're not going to go to the Bahamas Of course, I had to be a smart guy and ask her why Boy, she told me. But you know what she told my? I mean, she said she was scared of me She didn't call me an SOB That means sweet old Bobby. She didn't call me, she didn't cuss me out. She looked me in the eye with a tremendous... To see in her eyes, it just... I can't think of the word. And she said, I'm scared of you. Now, she had two little girls from a previous marriage. And she says, not only that, the girls are scared of You too. Now, you can call me anything you want. But I never wanted anybody to be scared of me. I was so big, I'd scare people walking down the street. I mean, the little kids get around my belly just to get in the shade for crying out loud. I didn't want to scare anybody. I had no desire to scare everybody at all. And just as a good Lord would have it, a commercial comes on the television set. Now this is on a Saturday morning. This is when the cartoons are on. And there's a commercial. And the commercial says, make the alcohol call. And I said to her, now I'd already been down there and detoxed a bunch of times. I said if I go down there, and get in the treatment program, not detox now, the treatment program, would you stay with me? And she said she would think about it. And that's all I needed. And I get in a car, and I go tearing down the Riverside, of course I've got that attitude, I think Riverside is going to stop everything they're doing just because I show up, you know. Well, guess what? They didn't. Okay. I go in there. I fill out the paperwork. They take my vitals and all this kind of stuff, you know, and go through all of the processing. And I'm thinking I'm going to go into treatment. And the nurse tells me, yes, I qualified for the treatment program. She had, you now, I went to Riverside for detox anyhow, so they had all my records and everything else. And I go, well, when can I get started? She says, I won't have a bed until 3 o'clock this afternoon. 3 o'. I'm there at 10 in the morning. Guess what I do? I'm not going to have a drink for 28 days here, you know. I better get across the street. And I did. And I went across the Street and I got totally drunk. I did make it back to Riverside by 3 o', I don't know how that happened. And the man upstairs was driving the car, I guarantee you. And I got back there by 3 o'clock and they took me into treatment. But before I got in their treatment program, I had to go through detox again. That's time number 4 or 5. Well, I finally got in the treatment program after detox. I go in there and right away they want to take your clothes. Now, taking my clothes is like taking a tent, you know. They want to take your clothes, so they take your clothing. They give me this beautiful gown to wear, you know, and I'm looking so good in that, I had to have two of them, you know. I mean, usually tie them in the front. I'm tying mine on the side, you know. Well, I raised so much hell about that, they let me wear my warm-up suit, whatever. Remember all those designer clothes used to wear? It said, you know, hell finger up here or And whoever, mine just said stupid right up here. I mean, that's about how I felt. But I got to wear that. So now I'm going into their first 24-hour book meeting, you know. And I didn't know what that was. And there's an old man sitting down at the end of the table. He had to be 140. I swear. And I go walking in like this, you know, I'm the man here. You know, pay attention. And I said, hey. I said let's hurry up and get this show on the road. I've got a relationship to save. I've gotta business to run. I've got all these things I've gotta do I can't be here for 28 days You know what that old man told me? He stood up and he said Bobby, you sit down And you shut up You're gonna be here For 28 days Like everybody else We're all drunks And you are too Well let me tell you something Nobody talked to me that way In a long, long time And I was taken aback And I sat down Right now, you know I sat back I sat on I can believe it And I'll tell you something else I tried to do when I was in treatment and I'm sure we all tried this once or twice I thought I had everybody conned in treatment We always try to count the counselors and the nurses Everybody thinking everything is cool I had everybody coned except for one nurse and her name was Marge and Marge I go up to Marge and go, Hi Marge She'd go, yeah, right. Hey, Marge, I'm getting better. I feel better. Yeah, right, you know. Marge will get my relationship back together. Yeah, Right. Getting out of here soon. Yeah, I swear to God when this woman dies, it's going to say on her tombstone, Here lies Marge. And then down in parentheses, way down at the bottom in the epitaph, It's going To Say, Yeah, Right, you Know. That woman was the most obnoxious, cantankerous, mean woman I ever met in my life But do you know what happened? Once I began to believe that I did not have all the answers Once I became to believe That I just might have the tiniest little problem With drinking just a little too much for a little bit too long Once I believed that the man upstairs was really on my side And I shouldn't be arguing with him Once I believe that my life could be better If I would do what was suggested instead of what I wanted to do Marge went through some kind of a transformation I mean, those horns on her head, they went right in, man and today marge and i are very good friends she's running a treatment center in north carolina i still get a christmas card from her every year i talk to her once or twice a year she's just a wonderful wonderful wonderful lady and she knows by the way that i use her in my story and she's not offended she's an inspiration she really is she's a recovering alcoholic Like, she has 35 years now. I just love her. But anyhow, what's it like today? I'm going to tell you what it's like today. It is absolutely incredible. Absolutely incredible. Now I know that the economy sucks. Well, at least we got a starting place now, you know. I knowthat I have trials and tribulations that I go through. Just recently, just a week Almost a week ago My sister Tried to commit suicide This damn disease Just a week Ago. I own my own business Today. I'll tell you about that in a minute But I'm losing more money by accident Than I ever made on purpose You know I mean My wallet has hinges on it now That's how bad it is I was in a relationship and it went sideways all this happened in the last few months everything and if it wasn't for you folks I'd be drinking today probably today I am in a relationship like you wouldn't believe I'm in a relationship with my best friend there is one person alive today that knows all about me that knows what happened when I was a little boy that knows me today we have been through more together and I will defend that relationship with my life for as long as I live it's that simple I own my own business today like I said earlier now I don't say that to sound pretentious I say that because of the fact That I was fired from every job I ever had And once you get fired that many times The word gets out You can't hide it anymore You have a choice You either go on welfare Or you start your own business I figured I'd make a little more Start my own business Especially if it was legal I don't have to look over my shoulder today People depend on me today. Those that work for me actually want to get paid. What a concept, you know? Yeah, you want to hear a biggie? They believe I'm going to pay them. Really, you know? My goodness, what a, you know, this whole thing has turned around for me because of you wonderful people. I got a sponsor. I had a sponsor who's passed away. I want to tell you about him. That sponsor is that old man that I told you about when I into treatment by the grace of god he put up with me you know when i got out of treatment you know they say go to aa and call us when you think about drinking but don't call us if you you know if you are drinking you know that kind of stuff i'll never forget i was going through some kind of trial or i don't know but i felt like drinking so i called paul and i said hey paul i said you told me to call you if i feel like drinking well i feel liked drinking you know what he told me? Don't and call me in an hour. Boy, did that make me mad. I was ready for some miraculous thing to happen here, you know. As a man who's been sober longer than who knows who, you know. Don't call me an hour, so I started ranting, raving over the phone, you know, and I'm telling them all my tale of doom and gloom and whatever, and I slammed the phone down. It wasn't 20 minutes later, and guess who that is? That's my sponsor, Paul Dixon. And was I nice to him? No. I opened the door, and I start yelling at him again. And he walks in like I'm not even saying anything. I think he even fixed himself a Coca-Cola, you know? Sitting down there at the table, and then I had to take a breath. and he says are you done now and I said yeah he said did you drink I said no he says works don't it I get out of treatment they tell me I had to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and all this other kind of stuff and you know when you start out you get a sponsor right well being an alcoholic I got two one was sober about 20 minutes the other one had an hour and a half but they were experts they got out in the morning i get out in the afternoon see they had me running all over the world they had be going to this meeting going to that meeting getting lost reading this look at that but nobody ever go with me i never even talked to these guys they call me up finally i heard the one of them went back out and boy that did it i ran right back down to Riverside Hospital and I told Paul, and this is how he became my sponsor. I told Paul, I said, this program doesn't work. You know what he said? He said, you're right. It doesn't work. Not supposed to work. Was never intended to work. We have to do the work. The program is a program of suggestions that leads to an absolutely wonderful program of recovery. But it's we that have to do the work. I said, yeah, but they got me doing this and that and everything else. They don't call me back. He said, look, they went back out drinking. They can't be your sponsor anyhow. They haven't been sober enough in the first place. He said if you want, I'll be your sponsor and you only have to do two things. Whoa! Talk about an easier, softer way. So I said okay, well what are they? He says, well, the first thing that you have to do is every single thing I suggest just once. Just once. In other words, what he wanted me to do was look at my life, look at the program, look at My job, look a relationship, look the sky with an open mind, Give it a try before we make up our mind, is what he was telling me. I said, okay, I'll do that. What's the second thing? He said, well, you still got to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, I said. In your dreams. There is no way that I can go to90 meetings in90 days. I've got a business to run. You know, I got to travel. I gotto go here. I gotta go there. I've gotta tummy ache. I'vegot acne. It's raining. You know? I'm too tired. You know. There's no way I can go to 90 meetings in 90 days And he said you know what You're exactly right Bobby There is no way that you can go To 90 meetings and 90 days So you ought to do yourself a favor And if I were you I would I said well what's that And he says until you get your business straightened out Until your tummy ache goes away Until all these excuses for not going to meetings Pass out Until you have to go here and have to Go there, you can stay here a little longer Just go to one meeting a day I'd say well I can do that I mean that's how we think 90 meetings is a one a day we can handle you know God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and he's given me the courage and a lot of courage to change the things I can. Now, the wisdom to know the difference, we're still working on it, okay? But he's there. I can do anything in the world I want to do today, anything inthe world. And I believe that anybody can that's in this program, no matter what our situation is, if we just give it a try instead of prejudging and being absolutely convinced that certain parts of this program, they're not for me. Okay? Well, they are. You know? That's why we got all these people in here. You know. You know, if we're physically and spiritually and emotionally capable, we can do anything that we want to as long as we don't pick up that drink. Now, that's why I want to tell the new people here too, you know, Sometimes we get sober for a little while And we think we can go out there and have one or two Hey people We never had one or 2 in our life Okay That's why the biggest word in this program Is A You know We never Had A drink We'd go out for work And say I'm only going to have one And I'm going home 3 o'clock in the morning There we are Still putting them away So my suggestion is Forget that Give us a try It works for us It works every day You know Every day it works It keeps me sober As long as I'm sober As long As I believe That I want To maintain The willingness To be sober Every single day I can succeed You put that wall Up in front of me And I'll knock it down Or I'll go around it Or I will Or I climb over it But I guarantee you I'll get to the other side with your help. I learned a long time ago, after trying to do all this by myself, that it's impossible. We need each other. People need people. There's a song, No Man's an Island. There's movies about it, you know. Well, some men aren't. Anyhow. anyhow we need each other and i know that and i'm not ashamed of it i'm not ashamed to say to you help me i'm not ashamed of that at all i'm not ashamed to say to you can i help you what can we do together to stay sober today what can we do together to make it better not make it worse you know we talk about all our doom and gloom all the time that doesn't work my best friend made a decision just yesterday, I believe, to get above all that. If we have a problem with our life, if we have a problem with our situation, we have to be willing to take action to make it better. If we don't do that, then we just might as well stay where we are and talk about it again next week. You know? And it does happen, doesn't it? I can't tell you how excited I am to be sober today. I can tell you how humbled I am to be part of this group. I went from fat all the way down to obese, you know? I went from being a complete idiot to someone that people have faith in. I went from absolutely everything in my life to nothing and came back up with your help. That's how I got here. You made me feel like I belong. You know what it is to feel like you don't belong. You guys gave me the hope. You guys give me the courage. You guys gve me the attitude. You guys get me the drive and the desire to stay sober today because when I felt like drinking, you were there. You'll always be there. It's never going to change. And all I got to tell you is my name is Bobby and I'm an alcoholic. And for God's sake, keep coming back. Thank you very much. Thank you.