The Program Is Guaranteed to Work Under Any and All Conditions – Charlie M.

About This Speaker Tape

Philadelphia, an apartment where the mail piles up on the floor and things grow in the corners that weren't planted. Charlie M. describes a life of high-functioning wreckage, moving from a childhood farm to medical school while fueling a hidden fire with bourbon, NyQuil, and gallon jugs of cheap wine.

He speaks of "magical thinking" and the paradox of a medical career spent hiding behind refrigerators to avoid people, eventually becoming an anesthesiologist to put patients to sleep while he stayed chemically unconscious. He recalls the grit of the bottom: a suicide attempt involving Venetian blind cords and the haze of ketamine on a shag carpet. After a desperate, unconditional prayer amidst the blooming azaleas, he surrendered to a Higher Power.

He views his sobriety as peeling a massive onion, layer by layer, relying on a program guaranteed to work under any and all conditions, even for a "garbage head" who once didn't know what love was.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Charlie M. opens by thanking his sponsor, C.D., and the fellowship.
• 4:30 Discussion of childhood on the farm and the resentment of working at age eight.
• 8:15 The first taste of wine at age seven and the 'abortion' metaphor regarding emotional arrest.
• 14:40 A detailed account of a suicide attempt using Venetian blinds and bourbon.
• 21:10 The 'hiding behind the refrigerator' phase of medical school and the fear of patients.
• 27:30 The ketamine experience and the struggle with the shag carpet.
• 32:10 The 'unconditional prayer' and the confrontation regarding missing fentanyl in the OR.
• 38:45 Arrival at Willingway and the moment of surrender during a medical shot.
• 45:20 The 'dry drunk' period and the decision to return to treatment in 1982.
• 52:10 Reflection on the death of his disabled niece and the strength found in the program.
• 56:40 Discussion of the Third Step and the metaphor of electricity and the light switch.