The Primary Purpose Group and the Sole Focus of Carrying the Message – Chris C.

so much for uh um thank you so much for having me here and thanks for being here tonight uh eric thanks for asking me to uh to come and speak this is always an exciting opportunity for me uh to be to be able to share a little bit of my experience and knowledge uh of the program and um you know of what i've been through and how i've gotten here and how i know i'm in the right place um you know i've got uh my sobriety date is September 28th, 2020. I'd like to think that the pandemic had anything to do with that, but it certainly did not. It's not my first sobriety date and hopefully though it is my last. I have a home group. It is the Saturday morning PPG Zoom based meeting. I think it started out of Dallas, but at this point we have just about as many international members as we do those based out of the U.S., so it could go either way. That is a benefit of, I think, of the pandemic that we've been dealing with is that we have the opportunity to be able to connect with, you know, those down in Hattiesburg, Mississippi on a Wednesday night and to beable to kind of share sobriety like this, and I really love that. The beautiful thing about the primary purpose group that I'm involved with currently is that our sole focus is, is just on that the primary purpose of the program, and that's to carry the message to alcoholics. And it's, it's a great way for me to be able to kind of understand what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and how to do it. As I mentioned, originally, I had a completely different sobriety date. It was back in 2012. I had gone to a 30 day treatment center, I got involved in the sober living program and went to meetings as a requirement of the house. At some point or another, I decided it'd be a good idea to get a sponsor just because that was what everybody told me to do. And of course I found a sponsor that would, that was, you know, that I knew was going to kind of take it a little bit light on me going through it. And so I didn't really have to do any, any of the kind of work, but you know I did about half the steps and kind of considered myself to be recovered at that point. And, and things were actually going really well. And so I kind of took that momentum, and I co-hosted with it. And you know, long story short, my will took back over and it didn't really last very long for me at that moment. But to kind of back it up a little bit, I'm going to take an opportunity to qualify here just to, you know reassure myself that I'm in the right place, but also to kind of, you know, help those who may be hearing this for the first time see how they may be in the right place as well. You know, I've heard in a lot of other meetings or speaker tapes, you know, people talk about this idea that, you know, at some point or another in their lives, they took a drink and had this aha moment, you know, is that first sip you hit it hits your lips and, and I can breathe, I can relax. And I can't necessarily remember that not because I can't remember my first drink, but because I didn't necessarily have that specific moment. I wasn't drinking to solve a problem at the very beginning, but the way that I was drinking was very alcoholically. I remember from a very, very early age that I've never had a stopping point. My stopping point was never able to be dictated or determined. I stopped when the liquor ran out. And I think, you know, that dates back to, you know, right around the first time I started drinking, you Know, 1314 years old. There are other substances that are part of my story. But for all intents and purposes, I'm going to kind of keep it limited to my drinking behavior. But from that time, every time that I drank, I drank till I could not drink anymore. I don't know if there's ever really been a time where I've told myself that I'm only going to have a couple of drinks and stuck with that idea of having a couple of drinks. Of course, unless my pocketbook had something to say about that. But I was a blackout drinker. I was an I'm going to drink till the booze runs out kind of guy. And, you know, I think for me, that was a big indicator of the problem that I had. You know, it's part of we talk about, I think on page 44, at the beginning of We Agnostics in the big book, there are two different conditions that kind of help you uh determine or realize whether or not you are an alcoholic and you know one of them is is that uh you can choose to stop and stay stopped and the other is that you can control the amount of drinks once you start drinking and um there's an in between those two things so if you have either one of those you know chances are you may be alcoholic uh but i have the and i uh have both of those i meet both of those um which which is not good for me uh because i can't stay stopped and and when i start i can'T stop from there right um and that and i mean that's that's true from the very beginning of my my drinking history and and so it's important for me to mention that that first time you know, 13 years ago when I went into treatment. I went in voluntarily. I had been facing consequences in the external sense, in the real world, legal consequences, school consequences, family consequences, jobs, money, all that kind of stuff. And so from the outside, I was faced with this dilemma of where am I going to end up? I'm either going to end up in an institution or underground with the way that my drinking had been progressing at that time. And so I made a decision to ask for help and, and I got that help, but of course the help was going to be, you know, I'm coming from the East coast at this point, I was in Vermont. You know, I remember seeing a commercial on TV for this luscious, you know, retreat in Malibu, California that was all advertised. And of course, I figured, hey, you know, I'm going to see if they take my insurance. And lo and behold, they did. Right. So I came to a dedicated non 12 step recovery based treatment center in, you know, on the cliffs of Southern California. And it was great. I was all in. I paid attention. I participated in all the different classes and programs and everything. And, you know, I kind of told myself that all I needed really was an opportunity to step back from what I was doing in my life and all the external pressures that I was facing, and just kind of restart. Right. And so I was off to a really good start at that point. And so I decided to keep up the momentum. I went into that sober living house because I wasn't ready to go live on my own at that point. And through that, like I said, the requirement was there that we had to go to meetings. So of course, in the meetings I went to were Southern California, there's a fancy meditation based recovery meeting that wasn't AA specific or alcohol specific for that matter. I did, you know, pick up some men's meetings, I think more for the social element, because I heard of all this emphasis on fellowship. You know, I started kind of ramping up my meeting production, I'd go to midday meetings, I'd Go to morning meetings, because I was told and what I heard was, you've got to go to meetings, go to meetings. Go to meetings go to meeting meetings, and so I did and I got commitments at those meetings I was greeting people I was you know scribing I was leading a couple meetings, some men stag meetings, all this kind of stuff. And my life was turning around. Things were going really well for me. And so, of course, I kind of took that as, look at this. My first try, my first opportunity to get sober and I did it. And I've started to kind of build my life back up from square one. And, you know, I had a little bit of humility at the time, although it doesn't quite sound like it with how I'm describing it at the moment, but there were some really great things that were happening. And during that process, of course, I met my now wife and she didn't know anything about AA or the program. But of course my honesty, our second date, I said, this is who I am. I'm an alcoholic. I go to meetings and I'm in recovery because I didn't know at that point that you could actually get recovered because I hadn't been reading the book. and it I really wanted that to be kind of part of my life and part of my story but the problem was is that not only did she not know what was required of a program you know a legitimate program I really didn't even know myself you know I had a couple years of sobriety at that point and I was active but I didn't know what it meant to truly be alcoholic I didn't really know about the two part or even three part physical, mental and spiritual effects that I was being subjected to. And, you know, these meetings that I've been going to were helping me figure out how to navigate difficult conversations with my bosses. Absolutely. It was it was putting me in touch with guys who had some pretty solid recovery under their belts as well. But at no point in that did I learn what it meant to be an alcoholic, I didn't know exactly what it was about my behavior or my makeup that that put me into those rooms. All I knew was that if I wanted to expect more out of my own life than running around, you know, drinking and, you know, up to no good. You know, I needed to make some kind of change, right? And so fully, but surely, I stopped going to meetings. And it wasn't a big deal, because there was no accountability, there was really no one in my life at that time that was asking the questions of, you know, hey, shouldn't you be going to a meeting? Or is it okay? Are you sure it's okay if you don't go to this meeting tonight? And there was, of course, no accountability on my end. But the biggest issue that I was facing that I didn't know is that I had no connection with a higher power through any of this, really. There was a little bit of nighttime prayers, I think, at the time where it was good for me at that point. But at the end of the day, I didnít really have a higher power. I grew up religious, Roman Catholic, all the sacraments. Thatís something that I never really had a problem with per se so i knew how to pray um and i was doing it and things were going okay but i never had a really you know a solid true connection with the higher power and so the meetings whether or not they were there i was i was doomed to fail um and again going back to this idea of uh the teaching styles and what we learn in the primary purpose group um you know it's uh there's there's rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed the path and the path is how it is lined out, laid out in the book. And so, you know, just three years ago, I found myself in a really tough spot mid pandemic. And I found the primary purpose group and I got a new sobriety date and I started working with a sponsor and I I started to learn page by page out of the big book, what exactly it meant to be an alcoholic, um, the different components of alcoholism, um, how I knew that I was in the right place and then what I needed to do to, to treat that. Um, and, and how, of course, ultimately, uh, how I could become recovered. And, and that was a really big thing for me. And that's, it's, it's important for me still to this day to continue that process and that approach so that I know how to identify myself when I'm working with a newcomer. Um, I know how to, uh, you know, explain what it means to be alcoholic, um, this, this really three-part, uh, disease that we have, um... You know, and then, uh... How, how to walk another, uh, human being through it and help someone else on that. And so, uh… That's, that's where I am today, you know, in terms of my program. And so, you know, the thing that the idea of this, this three part disease that we talked about, you hear it's either two part or three part, you there's a mental obsession. And what that tells me is that I can't stay stopped drinking. I could put it down maybe for a little bit. You know, I could tell myself that I'm going to quit, I was really good at quitting. I quit 100,000 times, maybe, right. But, but eventually, I always came back to it, I couldn't stay quit, right? You know, because whatever was going on with me internally, uh, I wouldn't stay away from it. Um, and then once I stopped quitting again, uh, i had a physical allergy, you know, as soon as i put a drink inside my body, i was off to the races. You know i've heard a number of times this this concept of uh one is too many and a thousand is not enough and that that's a really great summary of uh my drinking was that I always had to have as much as I could get. And I, you know, it was maybe a badge of honor where I'd say my tolerance is so high that I can drink anyone under the table and, you Know, it's looking back on it and it's not really something that I really want to be proud about because I had to learn that behavior because I couldn't get enough into my system, right? And then the third concept behind all of this is the spiritual malady. This idea that drinking in and of itself was never my problem. I drank problematically, but drinking was my solution, which is a crazy concept to even think about because it was fulfilling this spiritual malody, this defect that I had in my life, this hole, this god-shaped hole that i had in my life um the quick fix a quick solution was was to pick up a drink um you know there's a passage in the book that talks about being restless irritable and discontented and that's that's when i'm not drinking and that'S what it talks about unless um you or until we are we experience the sense of of relief that comes uh at once with taking that first drink. And so that was a big thing is, of course, if you give me the opportunity to find an immediate solution to whatever problem I may or may not know about, I'm going to take that. And that's a character defect of mine is that, you know, give me a quick solution, give me an easy thing to do, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the long-term implications of that. And that is what alcohol did for me. I can look back on a number of different ideas and concepts throughout my life and, and my behavior. And, you know, just kind of the general feeling that I remember having as a kid and as a teen and, you Know, that, that sense of discomfort, you know, and having the identity that I carried around my drinking as if it was my identity, you You know, and of course, as I mentioned, there were other substances in there as well. And, you know, that's who I was and that's what I did. And I was for a long time, I was a functioning alcoholic. I was able to, you now, go to school, high school, college. I was even able to go to classes and carry this off as if nothing was wrong and kind of own it almost in a sense. And that was really interesting because there was so much underneath that I never got a chance to unpack and learn about. And when I started in AA, I still never even got to understand that. I still thought that drinking was my problem. But now we've learned through the steps, through doing this work and being led through with a sponsor that I've got a spiritual problem. And it's a lack of spirituality problem that I've got because I'm selfish and self-centered. That is the root of my problem here, right? And so in order to be able to address any of this, I have to understand that. And so step one, obviously, my life has become unmanageable and that I'm powerless, right. And that's not so much the idea, the ability for me to balance a checkbook or to keep up with external commitments or to, um, you know, take care of my responsibilities and pay my bills on time. Right. Or hold down a job or stay out of jail. Um, my life is unmanageable when it comes to my drinking. Uh, I cannot manage, uh, my choice. I have no choice of drink and I cannot control my drink when that happens. And, um. You know, at the, atthe end of the beginning of chapter five, that I believe Laura just read for us. You know, this, this idea, it says being convinced, you know, and so the first thing that I have done now in, you Know, this time around is, is I have been able to do a lot of work on this book. And I've done enough studying and understanding of the big book, the way that the first 100 have laid it out in here to understand and can be fully convinced that i am a real alcoholic um there's a page i think it's uh 30 21 20 and 21 where they kind of talk through the description of the the you know moderate drinker the heavy drinker and the real alcoholic and then they go on for a couple pages about the real alcoholic and, you know, underlying things such as, you know, he begins to lose all control of his liquid consumption once he starts to drink. He's a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You know, all these lines in here about being able to keep up with things and present himself professionally or, you Know, have a balanced life in a way that I did. I was able to have successes in a lot of different things in my life except for my drinking, right? And so, you know, on page 44, like I said, it talks about the two different concepts or factors that say that you are probably alcoholic. So if when you honestly want, you can't, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are possibly alcoholic. And it says, if that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience uh will conquer and you know that that could be a lot to unpack um you know especially when you don't really know what that looks like um and this idea especially when i'm working with others i'mworking with another guy right now and we had this conversation we unpacked it quite a bit where uh the the sheer numbers of uh membership and success in AA over the years of 1939, when this book was originally written as the first 100. And then through the different forwards to the additions all the way up to the fourth, it talks about the efficacy of the program and how well it's worked. And for there to have been so many people that this simple program that's 80-some years old right now has been able to to successfully work with, there has to be something out there that's accurate or true. There's got to be some something behind it. And so, you know, working with someone in front of me saying, look, you this is how I drank. This is who I was. This is how felt until I found a power greater than myself. Left to my own devices, I am off and running and you know it's only a matter of time before i i end up in a gutter or in in you know an institution um but when i turn my will and my life over to the care of a power that's greater than myself amazing things can happen and i can become recovered um and that's there's there're you know promises all throughout the book i think the book starts off uh the very first the title page, the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. And that's a huge deal because being in a meeting and hearing someone say that I'm a recovered alcoholic could come with a little bit of scoffing, if you will, if don't really understand what that truly means. But to know that with the help of a power greater than myself, uh i can i can do this i can recover as well and you know like i mentioned i've i've got i grew up in the roman catholic church you know i went to um uh you know confession and reconciliation and holy communion and baptism and you Know all that stuff and you Know and i still kind of carry that around and i have no ill will towards it um fortunately but there are a lot of people who do and so this idea you know we've got pages and pages in this book And, you know, of course, the chapter to the agnostics where, you know, it specifically addresses any kind of problems that we have with organized religion. This isn't about religion. This isn'T about having, you know, one God over another God. You know, It's not Muslim. It's Not Jewish. It's NOT Catholic. This is as they put a number of different places, a God of your understanding. So the cool thing about this all is that in order to be to believe that there is a power greater than myself that can help me recover, I get to actually figure out what that is. And I was actually, I was listening to a speaker tape. I think it was Chris R recently who, who was talking about a guy who calls it a God of my non-understanding, right? Because the more and more that I try to pin this guy down and figure out what he is, the less and less I actually come to understand, you know, really who I'm talking to when I, when I say my prayers at the end of the night. So, you know, whatever you want to call it, we get to come up with our own understanding of this higher power. You know, it's not going to be a doorknob. I can break through a doornob right now if I wanted to. Um, you Know, it's, it'S, uh, it'S something that, um, you KNOW, is, is spiritual nature and, uh, youknow, I, I can come to believe personally for me that, uh IT, my higher power can, can save my life right and then and then you know we that's those two things happen pretty quick you know understanding who you are what you are and and how you got here and then uh finding a way to to have faith in in something else that's not me that's gonna save my butt because that's what i need at this point um and and then we get to step three and this idea of of turning our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand him. That sounds like a lot, you know, what does it really mean? I had a lot of trouble trying to understand this step in particular because I'm very black and white with my thinking in terms of turning my will. What does that mean? Do I just say here, I'm not going to do anything, you just do it for me kind of guy? Well, no, it doesn't quite work like that. Like I still have to actually make decisions in my life. And I have to steer the ship, if you will. But when I consistently practice turning my will and my life over the care of God as I understand him, my direction that I steer my life in um is is being pushed by my higher power so the decisions that i'm making to um to go out and help another person or to to do the right thing um are not my decisions um and that's not you know when when it boils down to it um who i am i you know i wouldn't necessarily do those kind of things but with the help of my higherpower i do and it comes naturally for me at that point and And so waking up every day with this concept of, you know, and my, I say the third step prayer as much as I can. But also, I start off my day and I say, you Know, dear Lord, please direct my thoughts, attitudes and behaviors to better reflect your will for me. And what that does is kind of gets the ball rolling in this way that I'm going to make decisions in line with what my higher power would want for me and so um it's a little bit more of a consciousness approach um that has to happen all the time um this idea of one day at a time uh is not so much i'm not going to drink for today it's it's that today i'm going to turn my will and my life over to the care of god as i understand him um so you know that's that's steps one through three right um and i and i think those are those are some of the easy ones to do and and um you know i i've had experiences where i've knocked all three of those out with the sponsee, you know, in a matter of minutes, right? Depending on where they are in step one. Step four and five, that's kind of really where we lose a lot of people in the program because this is where we start to actually put pen to paper, you know, and when we talk about step four, this idea of, you know, personal inventory, you know, I've been involved in a number of experiences where it's been put down as like a confessional, right? You know, and these are some of the things that I've done. And these are some of The things that have been done to me. And, you know, i have a resentment towards this person or this institution because they wronged me. But at the end of the day, you Know, what we're really trying to do is um first of all figure out where we were wrong right um what what in this approach you know what was i don't like to say my part because that um constitutes somebody else having a part um and and the focus is is all on on me and and what i've done in these situations or um where my character defects lie uh and then you know uh a fear inventory what am i afraid of what, what fears are holding me back from, you know, this, this sense of freedom that, um, that I, that I can have just by, by knowing just by knowing what they are, um, and what drives me. Uh, and then of course, you Know, there, there are personal relationships and such, but, um. The practice of step four and then walking through it in step five with, with a sponsor or, you KNOW, a religious body or someone of authority is the opportunity to really suss out all, you know, dig through all of the noise to find out exactly what drives me. What are my character defects that get in the way of me operating, you know, on a spiritual level day by day? What are the things that are holding me back from having a healthy relationship or from making the right decisions or from being a good person? um and and once you know we have the opportunity to to dig through it all and to find that out you know, we have a a list now of of things that we get to just give away um so in six in steps six and seven you know. We've we've at this point you know We figured out and and we've convinced ourselves that we are alcoholic. We came to believe that there's a higher power that could save us from this alcoholism uh and then we've we've said okay let's do it i'm all in um and then you know we've gone through this process of understanding what it is that's wrong with me and and uh why do i act the way that i do and and what behaviors and characteristics do i have that drive that action and that behavior and then how can i give those away um or you know how can i get rid of them and and that's one of the cool things about my higher power is that he's going take those away from me, which is great. The caveat though, is that he doesn't just take that. He doesn't Just take the things to which I find objectionable. He takes all of it good and bad. You know, we see the step seven prayer that we see. Where was this? We are my creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stand in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. So like I said, I'm not just giving away these things that I find objectionable. I'm also giving away the good things in my life because what I'm doing is I'm reemphasizing this, this step three experience that I've had where I'm giving my full self over to the care of my higher power. So we do in step three in a general sense, and then we do that more in a specific sense in step seven. You know, I, who am I to sit here and say, you know, you can have these, but I'm going to hang on to these. You Know, I want, you Know, because then at that point, I'm bringing my own will back into it. I'm all, I'm bringin' my decision-making back into it and, you know, like I said, when my decisions are leading the way, then I am doomed to fail. So I don't even want to at this point be the person who determines what is good and what is bad. You know, I've come up with a list of things that are objectionable but you know there are plenty of things about me that you might have found objectionable or that still get in the way of me being completely fulfilled in a number of different ways. So I'm just going to give it all away. And then, and at the end, it talks about, you know, giving the strength to go out and do your bidding. It's a little bit of a lead into the action that we are meant to take throughout this program on a daily basis, on a regular basis. You know, faith without works is dead. You know the concept that nothing will ensure immunity such as, you know, one-on-one work with another alcoholic, you know, and paraphrasing a little bit out of the book. But this isn't a program for me to just go through the motions, hang on to, and then sit back and coast because I've kind of done that before and it did not end up well. And, you know, my story may be different from another, but I'm a real alcoholic as I've been able to find on page 21 through like 25 um and so i can't i can just kind of rest on my laurels like that um the action that we take you know of course uh you know right now we lead into eight nine um you know the the immense process which is another major area where people start to to fall out of the program you know because who really wants to go face these people when try to right some wrongs. But the action that we have now that we've got strength behind us in the form of our higher power being carried through this process, it becomes a whole lot easier. You know, in step eight, we take from step four, the list of people that we have uh resentments towards and and institutions and and um you know we look and we find if if we owe those uh people amends if we if we have to right or wrong that we've been uh responsible for in situations like that and of course there are more people that you know, we can add on uh in in this this uh amends process in the step eight. Um but you know getting back to this the idea is that uh all i'm trying to do is figure out where i was wrong um you'll hear people talk about you know cleaning up my side of the street you know controlling what i can control um i you know obviously everybody's experience and situations are going to be different and and you know you can really uh sweat the details or split hairs when it comes to to one one person or one wrong you know versus another and and you Know there there could be others at fault, uh, in, in this and that, but that's not, that's not what I'm trying to figure out. Um, I'm just trying to figure out where I was wrong. Uh, what I did wrong, what I said wrong or what I meant wrong. Uh, and then I'm, I'M trying to, uh go out and make that right. Um, and the willingness I think is going to be the key part, you know, there are different and throughout the book in step nine, it talks about, um, you know, just having the willingness to go out and to make amends, uh wherever possible. You know, of course, now with Zoom, I think technology makes things a whole lot more possible. But the willingness to make the amends is the most important element that we can have going into this step, especially when we face things like creditors or potential legal issues. You know there are examples throughout the book where it talks about maybe making an amends isn't going to be the right thing to do if it's going to affect our families or other people. You know, if I go and I make an amends for a legal issue that's going to put me in jail, I can't provide for my family at that point, right? And so I'm causing more harm by trying to, you know, so there are other ways to go about it. And of course, work with a sponsor is going to really help, you Know, figure out how to navigate some of those different specifics like that. But I've got to be willing, I've got to be at least willing to face it. There can't be anything that I'm facing in my step eight or any people that I've left behind or and I'm trying to avoid just for one reason or another, I have to be willing. And so this is truly a liberating process because again it's clearing off my side of the street. When I'm walking around uh trying to dodge people or when i'm going to bed uh and and resting my head at night and all i can think about is the people that i've wronged or you know someone that i owe you know an apology or i have to make something right too it's it's not a good place to be in so for me personally you know this idea of being willing comes comes pretty easy uh and i had some pretty big um people I had to face on my men's list, uh, that were not easy. Um, and you know, coming through the process, uh what's cool is what's good is that is that, you know we don't necessarily have to wait for for step nine to be complete before we move on to 10 11 11 and 12 it it we don' t we don''t do that and it talks about in the book um how we we move onto step ten um you know after we had started this this immense process but uh the step nine promises i think even from the very beginning have been something that were always really important to me and that had resonated towards me because um it's i think one of the coolest things that i that i was able to see in the book of of how uh this program can can really explode into my into my uh everyday life um you know not having to fear anybody having a little bit more uh comfort going into real world situations, being able to understand the financial struggles of the pursuit that I'm facing. The step nine promises have always had a special place in my heart. And I wish that my daughter was still here with me right now because I could point to a real world example of the promises that have come true with me and the gifts of the program that I've been able to experience just by going through these steps and working them the way that the first 100 laid out in the book. And then, you know, the last, I guess, chunk of the steps, 10, 11, and 12, you know, it's what a lot of people refer to as the maintenance steps. This is, to me, what, what I talk about the one day at a time process. Um, again, I'm not trying to not drink one day At a time, but what I'm trying to do one day AT a time is, um, reinforce, uh, cultivate, maintain, and grow my relationship with my higher power. Um it's, it starts with my on awakening, uh, it ends with when I retire. Um, you know, and, and I think I'm not sure if those pages are 67 or 72 or something like that in the book, but, um, you Know, these, these things that I do every single day, when I wake up to get my day started, uh, sometimes a little bit quicker than others, um、 you know,, and, and the prayer meditation I go through, um,, at the end of the day, when i retire to to look back on my day and kind of uh ask myself was there was there anywhere that i let my uh character defects crop up uh excuse me get in the way of any of the relationships that i've got or any of you know interactions that i do if i have do i owe any any kind of event um i know i'm jumping ahead this is this is you know the step 11 right here but um these are my my one day at a time um practices and uh by doing that i i continue to keep close to me the thing that's the most important and that's my relationship with my higher power step 10 is is continuing to take personal uh inventory and when i was wrong promptly admitted it and you know that's that's always that's an ongoing thing um that i'm doing constantly it's the interactions i'm having with you know the people on the screen right now it's it's the uh everyday things that come up as they come up right and so i am on my toes armed with you know the knowledge uh that i've i've come up with through the first nine steps um how is my relationship with this person in front of me? What are my motivations, my motive behind the actions that I'm taking? Did I harm somebody by responding in a way that's not in line with my higher power? And if so, do I owe that person an amends? And the process of doing a 10 step is so cool. You know, being able to in the moment, catch myself and say, hey, you know what, or that wasn't quite right. I don't like the way that, that, uh, came out and let me try to fix that. Right. And, and connecting with my sponsor and, and then, you know, make it an amend, uh if, if need be. And I've been able to, um, successfully save faith in a lot of different situations by, by a strong 10th step in the moment um and and that word uh promptly is um it's the key factor there you know we don't want to sit on these things i don't Want to have very much to to reflect back on in my my 11th step when i retire at the end of the night because uh first of all if i'm living in a you know in in line with my higher power uh i shouldn't be behaving in a way that um that is objectionable at that point but if i do i don't want to have missed it in the moment right so um the prayer meditation you know it's not necessarily for me at least it's not so much like you know sitting down cross-legged closing my eyes with with uh you know call me music in the background um you know its its internal um i don t really call it reflection but it's an opportunity for me to allow my higher power to speak to me It's an opportunity for me to kind of close off my mind to all the outside noise that may be blocking me from getting some of this direction and influence from my higher power. And so there has to be, for me at least, some dedicated time where I outwardly pray and I inwardly receive the direction from my high power. um you know and then and then the key step 12 the 12th step working with others um you know we look at uh the the title page the circle in the triangle the three legs of recovery unity or of the program unity service and recovery um you know unity is is going to be uh going to meetings the fellowship uh connecting with other alcoholics uh standing in a parking lot for for 45 minutes and just kind of talking about the program um serve uh recovery is is going to be working the steps um being involved and then and then that service element is is carrying the message uh you know when i came in this room and i identified as a newcomer uh the amount of people that reached out to me to offer their help uh was more than i ever could have imagined and and to uh to not do that myself for the next guy uh is is an extreme disservice uh in my mind to to what this program represents um but then also the idea of of working one-on-one with another alcoholic um the cool thing about this step is that it can happen uh very very quickly um this isn't something where you got you have to have a year of sobriety under your belt to start working with others or The only thing you have to do is work through the first 11 steps. And the way that Bill and Bob did it at the very beginning was very quickly. These guys were, I think, like nine days sober before they were in hospitals carrying the message to others. And, and so being able to work with another alcoholic is not necessarily just to, to give away the message and the program. It's also to kind of help strengthen it myself because the more that I stay active with my review, my reflection going through the steps again walking another person through the steps, the stronger than my recovery is going to be the stronger, my higher power is going to be in my life. And, and, and the more, the more recovered I can be on a regular basis. And, you know, and so, so working with others, I think they put it in the book is, you know, paraphrasing again, is non-negotiable. You know, it's, it'S a leg of the stool that is necessary to be able to stand up and stay strong in this program. And none of this though is is possible to do without um a a dedicated and uh defined relationship with a higher power uh of your misunderstanding um and we get that through working with the steps and uh you know of course we go into meetings uh to work with others and um yeah i mean i think looking at the time here that's uh i think that's a good place for me to kind of wrap things up a little bit. I'm very grateful to be here, I'm very grateful to have this opportunity to kind of walk through my experience and knowledge and that's all I got. Thank you. Wow Chris. Thank you so much.