The Priest Who Thought the Role Made the Man – Paul M.

It is my pleasure to present to you Father Paul. Good morning, my name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic. The only point about Don's introduction about was I went to Rome. I did go to Rome in 1972 when I was stationed in Monticello with the Knights of Columbus group And when we came back, people came around asking what religious sites they saw. They didn't come to me because I was in the bars. But they went to the people of Monticello and then the people in Monticelli said, What was the nightlife like? And they said, Well, that's Father Paul. He knows more about that than we do. I'm really, really tired today. I really blew it last night. I spent half the night with a female. Pup. A dog. I thought that would grab you really quick this morning, you know. Yesterday I did something I wanted to do for a long time. I went out and I bought a small puppy. The other priest is stationed with me. He's about to be reassigned and I didn't want to be alone and so I went out last night and yesterday morning and bought this little peekaboo and it came from a good family. I know it's mother and the father. It's not one of those on the road. The other thing is, it's interesting but how AA works. The man that I bought the dog was from, is searching for. His higher power. And he's searching for his God as well through AA. And I didn't know that. What I'd like to do for a moment, however, before I begin, I'd not like to ask that you just take a moment of silence and then we'll pray this serenity prayer. And I'd ask that the Lord will work so that I will speak from my heart and that you will listen with your hearts. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Up here at the present time, I feel like that old saying, I'm more nervous than a preacher in a cat house, you know? So I'm really uptight here, and so it might take me a while to unwind, but we'll go from there. I'd like to begin with an opening story because that story that I will tell reminds me so much of what AA has done for me and where I was and whereI am today. And I'll use this because all stories, you can put anybody's name in it, but I'll put my own name on. and I'll use my name before sobriety and serenity. I had the nickname of Charlie Paul because that has a nice drinking ring to it. Paul is kind of flat, see? So Charlie Paul had a nice ring and I used that handle for a long period of time in my earlier days of priesthood and growing up in the city of Dubuque. The story is that there was a flood and it was rather a sudden flood but the water like in East Dubuque rises every day a little bit and the floodwaters came and the rescue boats went out and there was Charlie Paul and he was sitting on the front porch and the rescuers in the boat said hop in theboat Charlie Paul because the flood waters are rising so high And he said, no, no. He said, I'm going to stay right here because I know that the Lord will deliver me. So the rescue boat went by. And the next day, the rescueboat came in and they found Charlie Paul sitting on the roof. The waters had risen that far. And the rescuer said, get in the boat. Get in the boot. This may be your last chance. And he says, no... He said... I know that the Lord will deliver me. So the rescue boat went by. And the third day, the rescueboat came by and there was Charlie Paul and he was sitting on top of the chimney and the water was lapping at his feet. And they said, Now, Charlie, you've got to get into the boat. You've gotto get into this boat. He said, No. He says, The Lord will delivery me. The Lord wil deliver me." And so the rescueboat went by and charlie paul said lord i've been praying and i've been praying that you deliver me from this flood and why haven't you answered my prayers and then came a gathering of the clouds and a lightning bolt and a voice that said yeah dummy i sent the boat three times when i look back at my life that's where i was And I got into this program by a classical intervention on the behalf of the hospital because I had a drinking problem that I didn't know of. And I am so grateful today that people love me enough, whatever their motive was to get me to get into that boat, they got me into the boat and I'm here today. But I think it's important that we look back, and I look back at my own life and I find that when I drank the flood of alcohol and the debris that's in any flood water was very much a part of my life. As I grew older and drank more I became a loner I became more and more withdrawn I became filled with fear and paranoia, anger, self-pity, guilt, depression, blaming, projection, self-justification, all rationalization, and above all denial. Denial that I had a drinking problem. denial that I used Johnny Walker too much denial that I didn't remember what I did at night at times I've been asked to share spirituality and as Paul said last night the spirituality of AA is found in the 12 steps so I'd like to share another story to begin my spirituality as I see it from my viewpoint, from my own personal life as I've experienced AA and the love that the Father has for me, God as I choose to call Him and I understand Him. It seems as though God wanted to find out how many people there were in the world, both good and bad. And so God sent His angels out throughout the world, first of all to find out how many bad people there were in the world. And so he sent his legions of angels out and they were gone for close to six months. And they came back with a computerized list of every bad person that they found in the world. Now God thought, well we got that side done, now we'll send the angels out to find out how many good people there are. The angels went out, the same legions, and they came back after working only 72 hours and they had the complete list. So God thought it would be a good idea to write those people, those good people, a letter of affirmation and commendation as to how they are living a good life at this time. And so he sat down and he wrote them a letter. and he sent the legions out with the letter and you know what the letter said? You didn't get one either? I am hoping though one day I will get one of the letters by working the 12 steps and the AA program. I can only share, as I said, my spirituality and as how I see AA and the spirituality that it has given to me. I have heard individuals speak and say that the AA spirituality concerns really only the third step and the eleventh step of the AA program. And yet as I really believe this and see this, the whole essence of the spirituality does not come until one makes step number one and then everything else follows. When we admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. We suffer from a disease, at least I do, and we all share the disease of alcoholism, not alcohol-wasm. aa is a now program aa is for today aa works for me today if i take it one day at a time and yet we need to do it every day and we need to be faithful to it we need to persevere in it and we must need discipline which all the spiritual writers complain and share about the essence of prayer. And so when we think about spirituality, first of all I'd like to say this. I see spirituality in relationship. Spirituality deals with a whole person, the wholeness of mind and body, emotions and feelings. Spirituality dealing with how I relate to myself my God, and my fellow human being. Spirituality is a love relationship. Spirituality deals with how I communicate myself to those around me. spirituality deals with a covenant a contract between myself my God and my fellow person and this is found in all of scripture the whole essence of the covenant and this is where I believe I have found my God in AA today. Perhaps I need to share a little bit about myself and how I got into this program and where it has led me today because I can only share with you what I have found and where I have been and what spirituality means for me today. I was born and raised in the city of Dubuque. I came from a family that drank alcohol, Drury's beer. I can't even look at a Drury'S beer without getting sick, you know. It was just... My adolescence, I went to the Loris Academy. I went to Loris College, Mount St. Bernard Seminary here in Dubuque. But when I was in high school, I drank for the effect. I drank to overcome my shyness. I drinked to be accepted by my peer group and I dranked to have a good time at a dance. But the unique thing is when everybody was dancing, I was out barfing because I drank more and I was probably the one in my group that probably drank the most and yet had the most stomach problems of anybody. And I didn't dance hardly at all, but when I got out there, I could pretty cut the rug. I won a couple prizes, etc. So I've had some good times as well in my drinking, but not as many as the bad times. The unique thing that when I was in college and in seminary, we weren't allowed to drink at all because it was forbidden to be in seminaries and to drink. But the unique thing was, I still look back and looking back now, and I still had then what progressed through my life. I lived in fear. I had low self-esteem. I lacked great confidence in myself. I blamed lots and lots of other people for my problems. I really didn't like Paul as Paul could have been liked. I was ordained in 1965, June the 5th. I always liked that because I could remember that then, you know, the fifth with the fifth, you know. Through my ordination into the Catholic priesthood, I was introduced into the greatest fraternity, but also I was ushered into the cocktail hour, the cocktail hour of good booze. And I was stationed, and one of the priests that I was with, he said, if you're going to drink, don't drink cheap stuff, you know? Drink good stuff. So he would start me off with Johnny Walker Black Label, and I really got a taste of that. That was pretty nice, you Know? And I drank Johnny Walker, Black Lable, and Red Label and Cutty Sark and Chavez Regal, you know, because then the parishers were buying it and I didn't have to buy it myself, see. But when I had to start buying myself, we went down to something a lot cheaper, you know. But, when I was first ordained, you now, I drank the whole crew at a wine at Mass. No older boy could come and they ever got to starting drinking for me. my pastor said to me now drink good scotch and you'll never have a hangover well i don't know about not having a hang over but pity those poor alder boys that rang the bell too early in the morning my head pounded many a morning and yet in in all of my drinking i never missed math i was late a couple times but i never messed it all right Well, I never spent any time in jail. I was never picked up for OMVI, though I should have been. Probably because I was involved with the police department of Cedar Rapids and Mason City, and they knew who I was and where I was going from, and they just stopped me and said, how are you doing? And they never picked me up, though. In my 15 years in a parish, I moved around a lot. I was stationed in Cedar Rapids from 1965 to 1967 at St. Pat's. From there, I went to Holy Family Mason City from 1967 to 1970. From 1970 to 1973, I was stationed in Monticello, Iowa. Then I went back to Cedar Rapids. I went with the good Chesky people, the Bohemians, and I really loved that assignment. I was there from 1973 to 1978. Made it five years, that tour. And then I got out of there and I went to Dubuque and I spent two years at Holy Ghost in 1978 to 1980. And in 1980 of July I was assigned to be resident chaplain of Mercy Health Center here in Dubuque, Iowa. And yet when I'm looking back at all of that, I see those changes now as a change of geography. I changed and moved so often because I had a drinking problem. And I suffered, my relationship suffered between myself and the pastor. My spirituality was gone. It was suffering. I blamed him. Authority, no good. I blamed authority, my bishop for putting me there, you know? I blamed the pastor, the housekeeper, the other associates, the parish council president, the board of education, whatever they are. I blamed everybody, the Alderman Rosary Society, anything, you Know? I blamed people for not being able to get along with me. Hell, I'm very affable. I'm the greatest gift that ever walked on the face of the earth according to my thoughts then. But I had blame and I had anger and I was a little bit and I'd resentment and I jealousy and I did guilt and I depression. And therefore if I moved out would stop when I could start afresh anew And yet after one or two years, I was right down the same tube. Because I'd start all over. I never changed my playmates. Never changed my background. And I always used to visit parishioners. And any assignment I went to, I would go out and visit the people. And they would ask me, Father, would you like to have a drink? Well, sure. I didn't think you'd ever ask, you know. What would you want? Well, I like scotch. Well, we don't drink scotch Got bourbon What kind? I'm choosy, you know Drink good stuff Well, We don't have any bourbon Got some beer Uh, okay But they always had scotch When I came back again and my bars became the places that I visited. I didn't visit the local tavern too often. I had my sources of supply in the rectory and I had myself a place in the tavern and my sources supply, my oasis if you want to call it scattered throughout the various parishes that I was at and I would go visit them about 10 o'clock at night and have two or three good hookers and then proceed to go home most of the time. In 1979, I would share this with you. I had a spiritual awakening or a spiritual conversion. In 1979 I went to El Pamar, Colorado and I really for the first time in my life experienced the love of the Father, the love that my higher power has for me and the unique thing was that at that spiritual conversion that I had, the sister, the director that I had was a woman and she used a lot of AA philosophy like saying let go and let God surrender. And I was so angry on that retreat because I, after going through it for four or five days, I said I was so angry at God, and I said, God, I don't know how to let go. And I've never experienced the sense of peace that I had then. But it didn't stop my drinking. I never took my drinking to the Lord because I didn't think that I was going to be able to drink again. Because I had a problem with it. I didn'T think that the guilt and the depression and the anger and the resentment had anything to do with alcohol, it had to do with those pastors that I was stationed with. In 1980, I was at Holy Ghost and a good friend of mine that I love very much, God rest him, pastor there, died. Had a hard time with that. And so, new pastor came in in June of 1980. They assigned me to Mercy Hospital I packed up all my belongings from Holy Ghost and the first thing I did was I went to East Dubuque and I stopped at a local liquor store and I bought three hundred dollars worth of good booze because I had to buy it see and I wanted all my friends to be able to have a good drink so I bought every kind and every kind there possibly was and when I had them assign or redesign my apartment, the first thing I had them put in was a liquor shelf because I always wanted to protect my supply. But I made a rule, a lot of rules, but I made one rule now that I was alone in the hospital, I'd never drink alone. So I turned on the television. I wouldn't drink till 5 p.m., daylight time or saving time, Eastern Mountain didn't make any difference, you know, it's got to be 5 pm someplace, you know, but I did keep the 5 p m in the hospital pretty well, I had mass at 4 30 and that started out with 18 alcohol wine and so that was the beginning and then I'd finish my job or my working with the patients and I'd go to the hospital. My apartment, I lived there at the time and I would have at least one, not one, I mean that's not, that would be a lie. I had at least two if not three and they weren't baked in one ounce. I didn't bleed, didn't have a shot glass. I mean we just filled it right up a little bit and a little Bit of water, not to burn it, just you know a good healthy drink you know and that way walter cronkite myself we got through the world in the news together but the unique i think unique thing is that i did drink relax i did drank to relieve tension i did not drink to get drunk but i did But when I was at Mercy, that was the first time in 15 years that I was alone. And I had a real adjustment. I had no one to talk to. That's why I bought a dog. You wouldn't believe how much little dogs poop. This morning at 4.30, I'm walking around trying to control that dog where he's going to go so I could catch it before it came out. my alcoholism alive today this morning with that dumb dog you know trying to control his urinary problem but i was alone i was along at mercy and so i drank more than i should I was on a team ministry which was a new experience for me and I was on a teen ministry with five nuns oh god one of my problems is being able to relate to women you know that's one of my problems that I had I'm working on it Well, I had a hard time with that because they wanted to be a priest too. You know, that's what I thought. And I felt my sense of belonging because when I went there I was the only priest. And here I find a nun that wants to do a fifth step and that's not her job. That's my job. My belonging was threatened and so I drank. I drank if I was angry. I drank when I was sad. I drank while I was up. I drank until I was down. It didn't make any difference. But the unique thing is, when I went on that team ministry and still am today, I was filled with anger, resentment. I had a Messiah complex that I'm God's gift to this hospital and they should call me for everybody that died or anybody that needed to be anointed in the Catholic Church. I lacked assertiveness. I let people walk all over me. I was a people pleaser and above all, I had paranoia. A whole bunch of it. Every time I did something that I didn't think was too right, I would think the administration is going to send me a letter saying you're fired. The first Christmas that I was there, I got 14 bottles of scotch. And I went around saying, my God, they're trying to tell me something. So I gathered my priest friends in and we drank them all one night. Then I didn't know what to do with the empties. So I put them in a bag and carried them out at midnight at night and put them on my trunk and took them away and threw them down into the trash barrel. One night at the hospital, I was off duty and somebody died. And they wanted a priest. And at that time I was with four or five nurses that had come to see my new apartment and we broke out the jug. And I had two or three drinks. And I got called to that death. And I'm not proud. That hurts. When I have to hold on to the bed with one hand, my ritual and another, and pray the prayers of the dying when I'm drunk. I'm not proud of that but I had fear paranoia I had guilt depression why God are you doing this why why do I drink so much why can't I stop March the 2nd of 1981 I decided that week to go on vacation and I decided I would get my traveler's check and so I stopped at the cleaners and a few other places in the bank and filled out my traveler's checks and I went and visited a few people that I knew and I stopped at a former parish that I was at and we had kind of a send-off party. I had two drinks there at noon. I had taken off from the hospital five hours from work to get things lined up for my vacation. Went out to the dinner at Chateau, it's a supper club north of town here and I had to drink and I ordered hamburger and onions because the onions would cover the smell of alcohol. so I came back and I wasn't feeling any pain and I walked into the pastoral care office there and my little girl who was a former religious who was an old gal about that tall she said to me, Paul have you been drinking? and I said yeah, I had a couple of drinks a couple and uh she says well you know you're not supposed to drink while you're on duty at the hospital and i said well i wasn't on duty i was off for five hours but still you're coming in and you're under the influence and so you better not celebrate mass as it's hell i celebrate a worse shape than this you know but i celebrated mass and i said i'll quit for length march the 2nd of 1981 is my last social drink but i didn't know it at the time the result was that i couldn't go to phoenix where i had planned to go because the people that were there, they drank a lot. They were former parishioners of various assignments that I was stationed at. And so they, I phoned them and said, I can't come. I used the excuse my dad's not too well, though he had had five strokes at that time. And I said, I need to stay around. And besides, I gave up drinking for Lent. They said, well, come another time. And so instead I had the time off and so I decided I'd go on a retreat. So I went out to the American Martyrs Retreat House in Cedar Falls and I for the first time I took my drinking and my use or abuse of alcohol to retreat to the Lord. And I had a very good retreat. But the unique thing was from that retreat came a thought that entered my head and I don't know why it did because I don' t think that the Lord speaks to me correctly. I don''t have any private revelations. But on the same hand, this scripture quote came back to me from John 21, verse 18 that said, When you are a young man you can go where you wish to go but as you grow older they will bind your hands behind you and lead you to a place you do not wish to go. And then our John says, and this goes on to say how Peter was to die and give glory to God. I came back to the hospital. I worked a couple of days. I was off two days, came back and there was a staff meeting and after the staff meeting the little director says, I have had a meeting with the personnel director. We'd like to sit down and talk to you about your drinking problem. I said, oh my God, you know? So after the staff meeting and just before the meeting with the personal director, I went into my room and I said Lord, help me be open and help me be honest if they ask me any questions. And so the personnel director did, and I answered, and he said, I suggest that you seek counseling regarding your drinking. That's all. So I went up to our ATC unit at the hospital and I talked to a counselor, and I was honest, as best as honest and as open as I could with them, and he says to me, he says, Paul, he says, I think that you are an alcoholic. And I said, as I released, thank God, I thought it was crazy. So I suggested to go to treatment. I thought, well, I can play this game too. So I said I'll go up here to Mercy Hospital and I can still play the role of being chaplain and nobody will know it and I won't have to tell my bishop and I can, you know, kind of sneak in with the other patients and we can, you know and I'll just say that I'm up there for training. See? Well, that didn't work. The result was that I I decided to go away to treatment. I had two hospitals. Lutheran General was one and St. Elizabeth's was another I believe. I didn't know where they were or anything but I had talked to a former priest who was a former recovering alcoholic and he had gone away to treatment and so I made an appointment to see my bishop and I went and I saw him and he said to me Paul he says I think I would like to send you away where would you like to go so I told him he says well I don't think I want to send You there I would like to, that's only primary treatment. You need a little bit more. I'd like to send you away to the Paraclete Fathers in St. Louis. St. Michael's Therapeutic Center. And I said, oh my God, Bishop, I'm not that bad. You know, I've not three months. I mean, my dad is sick and I'm in, you know, in all of that. And the bishop said to me, Paul, you can never take care of your father if you don't take care yourself first. and so I said, okay, I'll go, but I really didn't want to go because St. Michael's and the Paraclete Fathers at that time were my thinking was always a place for castaways, castaway priests, and I didn't think that I was a castaway because I was still a functioning person within the priesthood. and so on the 5th of april of 1981 i left the hospital and i got in my car and i packed for spring and i drove to st louis and i talked to the head of the order there and he said where would you like to go he says you got two choices edgewood hospital in st louise or hazleton well i didn't care i didn'T KNOW WHERE EITHER ONE WAS DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT WHEN I WENT DOWN THERE I WAS FILLED WITH HATRED AND BITTERNESS AND ANGER AND FEAR AND DEPRESSION ALL MASKED ON THE OUTSIDE AND I WAS HURTING LIKE HELL ON THE END BECAUSE I FELT NOT ONLY ALONE BUT I FELTE abandoned by the God that I loved, I thought. And why was he doing this to me? That day they sent me to... They had a plane ticket already bought. I didn't have a choice and they sent me to Hazleton, you know. I arrived in Minnesota and there was five inches of snow on the ground and I had packed for spring, and I thought, okay, God, I don't know what. And I hopped in the car, and I was going up to Hazelden, and all I could think about was barbed wire fence, German shepherds, and men standing on guard posts with submachine guns ready to get me. And I walked into Hazelton, and they put me in a detox unit, andI said, I don' t know what the hell I'm here for. You know, there were other people walking around, and they were really bombed, you know. And I hadn't had a drink in a month. So after spending overnight in there, they put me in Cronin Hall, and they assigned me a woman counselor, but I would not admit that I was an alcoholic. We go to group, and I'd come back to group and everybody would go around and say my name is so-and-so and I'm an alcoholic and I would say, my name is Paul, and I don't know why I'm here. And all I could think about is if I keep this up for ten days, they'll let me out, and then I'm going to go back and through the hell out of Mercy Hospital. To take the one I'm on a tell to take this job and shove it, you know? But Hazelden had a whole different idea for me, and so did the Lord. I was in treatment during Easter week or Holy Week and I was there on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter and Hazelden said, Paul, you are a person and you are not here as a priest and you may not at all function as a prince while you are here. You may not and if you do, you're thrown out. You may go to Mass, you may go to religious services, but you may not function as a priest. And so every morning I'd get up early to go to church, but during that week of Easter as it was Lent it was the first time in my life as a Priest that I was not allowed to celebrate Mass and Holy Thursday. And that was really hard. and Good Friday I could feel the pains of the Lord's nails in his hands and I felt abandoned I said my God, my God why have you forsaken me? And I was so alone I felt totally rejected and holy saturday we had group and i came around to me and for some reason it slipped honest to god it was a slip they came around and they said you know my name is paul and i'm an alcoholic and i what the hell that I say that for. But it felt good. It felt good that I at least was able to say that I admitted it because they were starting to sink to me. And the result was that on Holy Saturday, I said, okay now, we're talking about the spiritual awakening. I admitted why don't the heavens open up and why don' t I feel good? because I didn't. And I said to one of my friends, why is it? Why do I hurt so bad? Why do i have so much pain? And they said, you give us the same image whether you are walking because you mask off. And Hazelden had the right idea because, and I'm very grateful to Hazel den for that, because for all my life as a priest and as a young child, I thought that if I became a priest, I would be somebody. I lived for so long of my life the role of being a priest rather realizing, I thought, the way I looked at it, the priest made Paul McManus. And it's Paul Mcmanus, the person who is the human who makes the priests, and I had it all goofed up. On Easter Sunday, everybody had their families there, except myself and another priest from Brooklyn. We had each other, but no one else. And I was really feeling low. I felt lower than whale shit, you know? And you can't get much lower than that, you know. And on Easter Sunday evening after all the family went out, I got out in myself and I went out to the lake and I said to the Lord, I was really hurting, I said, Lord, show me a sign. Show me a signs, show anything but get me out of this and at that time we were called to a lecture and the lecture was on step number one and the name of the film i think was teenagers drugs and alcohol and i had never seen it even though i had read the big book and i have read the first the 12 steps but i never saw step one as it is written i admitted i'm an alcoholic and then my life is unmanageable no it doesn't say that at all. It says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. It's not I. And that just kind of set a burden off my shoulders. I said, Paul, I don't have to take this disease by myself. I got other people around that can help me. And that began my spiritual life. Because the spirituality of AA is beginning to breathe a new life into me, but it had to come with step number one that we admitted we were powerless. We don't have to go it alone. We have other people to support us and we gain our self-identity through sharing and trusting with other alcoholics. I am a human person, I am not a God. And I put myself up as a God and I still have to work at that at times. I still think at times that I'm a priest first and a man second. And yet today because of step number one in developing self-identity and not trying to go it alone with my fellow people around the AA tables they can point out to me, Paul you're not you are a human and you are human first, you are a priest, second but on the unique thing about step one it demands a complete surrender complete complete, give of everything. And that really had me bothered. But I said, Lord, what do I need to do? And for the first time, what I needed to do in complete surrender, I had to ask my peer group in Cronin Hall for help. And I never asked for help before in all of my life as a priest i was involved in many organizations i was director of the pre-cain and cedar rapids for five years and dealt with 150 to 200 couples at a time and i never asked the families that were involved in that to help me set up i did all the administration all the typing myself and i felt angry as hell because they wouldn't volunteer but i never asked them. I was withdrawn. What I had done was withdrew and continued to withdraw. And with step one, the beginning, I started to trust, trust, and to share my life and my feelings with those around me. Step number one was the beginning. It's the one in which they all center on. And yet step number two came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I didn't have any problem believing in the power greater then myself, God. But I had a problem with sanity. I had to look at my drinking and come to realize that when I drank, I became insane. I did a lot of insane things when I drunk. Insanity for me is what I would normally not do when I was sober. I did when I drink. drinking. When I drank and had parties, I became very vulgar. I told the dirtiest raunchiest stories any possible anybody could ever think of. Always in mixed company. And I was loud. I mean louder than loud. I had blackouts. I wouldn't remember them all during the next day or and when I did in fact you know I think about my little dog that I had that I just got and I think you know what I made amends last night it was so nice when I came home from the meeting here because that little dog loved me and what I did to dogs when I was drinking was terrible I was stationed with a pastor one time and his dog bit me in the butt when I was going to go answer the doorbell. And I was drinking, and I had to figure out a way to get even with that dog. So I went downtown, and I bought a little ocean sponge, and I soaked it in gravy, and I gave it to the dog. And that poor little dog suffered for two days. It was a big dog, though. And then I had a lot of fear and a lot guilt about doing it. So I went to my local doctor, who also knew a veterinarian, and I said, what will I do? I told him what I did. He said, get some Exlax. He said just put a little bit in it, in the cereal, that'll handle it. Well, if a little of it will do, a whole bunch will do more. So I gave him a full or half a cube or whatever it was, and the next day the pastor came down, and you wouldn't believe the sight that I saw, because the dog slept with the pastor. They had to throw out the sheets, the mattress, the bed, the whole bit. When I drank, I made a complete ass of myself. A complete ass of myself and yet all the time I would say in Romans I do what I don't want to do and what I do, I do. And then I made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God. And I thought, my God, if I do that, he's going to ask me to go to Africa, you know? And I mean, what's this turning? I turned my will over to my God. I did that once in my life. I became a priest. Isn't that what it needed? and then I think of the story of Charlie Paul again who was a drunk and he's walking home from a party one night and he is going down the line and he falls off a cliff and as he falls and he grabs hold of anything he can hold on to and in the middle of the night he grabs a branch and he Is hanging on to that branch and as He Is hanging on to the branch he starts to pray God get me out of this and it's praying over and over and over and the morning comes he looks up and he can see where he had been he fell about 15 feet and he cannot get back up and he looks down as the sun became further he could see farther down he has about 75 or 80 feet to go straight down and he really starts to pray he says Lord, Lord, Lord get me out of this and then came this voice out of the closet and said, Charlie Paul. Yeah, yeah. Charlie Paul, do you believe in me? Oh yes, Lord, I believe. Do you believe that I can do everything? Oh yes Lord, I believe Charlie, do You believe that I send my angels down and lift You out and place You up or set You down on the ground? Oh yes lord, I belive Charlie Paul will You do anything I ask of You? Oh yes lords Charlie, Paul, let go. And Charlie Paul said, Is there anybody else up there? But the unique thing I think of step number three that helped me in my relationship to my higher power is that the Lord asks of me to surrender one day at a time as I can only handle my alcoholism only out of one day and a time 24 hours a day. Let go and let God. Surrender to Him today, just today, and give it over to Him and give over my life and its unmanageability. Give it over. Ask the Lord to keep me sober today and live for today. Easy does it. First things first by the grace of God. and in October the 7th of the 24 hour day book I think the unique thing and that was a very good meditation for me because in that 24 hour day book it brought out where there is weakness there is strength God could never work through me before because I was strong I thought but when I admit my powerlessness over alcohol and that I am weak in that nature and I open up to the Lord and I say, help me today. At least I'm opening the door that He can get His foot in and He can work with me and He kan see and I kan really realize that there is strength when we are weak. But when we feel that we are strong and we don't need anybody, we will fall. And step four, made a certain and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. The first time that I had to look at my relationship with myself, who am I as a person? Look at myself and above all be honest. I was never honest before. I was ever truly honest with myself when I rationalized And I needed to look at the good, but as well as the bad that I did. And I need to work at that and put it down and say, this is Paul McManus, man, priest, alcoholic, whatever. This is me. Looking at the seven deadly sins of pride and greed and lust and anger and gluttony and envy and sloth and looking at all the violations of the commandments, looking at the garbage that I have done and wrecked in life, looking at my mother's anger looking at me looking at the anger that I had for God for taking my mother that loved me so well in death. Angry as hell at her because she didn't tell my father and myself that she had cancer of the breast. Why did you do this to me, Mother? Now I've got to come home to the pew. God, who wants to come home and puke? The archbishop's here. I was angry at myself. Stealing and cheating that I did. Using self-pity to manipulate and to control people to get them what I wanted them to do. Buying friends with gifts and money. Blaming other people for my own problems. Not taking responsibility for my actions. poor financial deals, spending money foolishly. Got into areas of my life that bothered me the most that happened as a child, as an adult, early childhood, looking at my life as it is and I found that the key to quality sobriety begins when I claim the past, claim it as I'd have done it and live for today I can't live today if I'm living in the past I've got to deal with it bring it out and look at it I met it to God to ourselves and another human being the exact nature of my wrong this was complete surrender for me I had to take a fifth step with a nun you know I mean that just blew my mind it was the last straw of surrender admission and I gave it to a religious who was in a woman studying to be a woman chaplain and I got rid of my male chauvinism and everything and I let it all hang out but I got off my chest out of my gut what really bothered me the most I was able to verbalize my feelings and my actions. As a priest, I went to confession a lot of times in the Sacral Reconciliation, but I never dealt with the feelings that went on in the time of the actions. I only had the guilt for the actions, but not the rationale and reasons for them. And I need to continue to take a fourth and a fifth step. I just finished a five-day directed retreat this past month ago, and I made a very good fourth step and I got into more garbage that was there and I was able to see it and I reminded myself of the days when I used to make wine. Put the grapes in the crock and I'd smash them up and then we'd let them ferment and as they get going the garbage would come to the top and I would siphon it off and throw it away and the more would bubble up and Iíd reach in and take more out and more and more until finally one day the wine was clear But I never drank it, because when I drank it I felt like a bishop. I was always on the throne. But I was able to begin the fifth step, and it was a beginning. Step number six, entirely ready to have God remove all these character defects. You know, I'm still affected by pride and envy and gluttony and sloth and anger and jealousy. but today I'm more and more aware of what they are. The Lord hasn't taken them away completely and I'm reminded of the Lord saying to us the parable of the weed and the wheat. We need the wheat to make the wheat strong. He said the fact that the farmer went out to sow the seed and as the seed came up there were lots of weeds in it and the weeds were there and he said to his servant should we go out and pull up the weeds he said no in pulling up the weeds you will pull up the wheat leave it there and then at harvest time we will gather them all and separate the two and throw the weeds in to be burned and we'll gather the weed into the barn I need to struggle with my life daily but there are lots of weeds in my life. And I'm affected by those weeds in a very unique way. Step number eight or seven, humbly ask God to remove all of our shortcomings. You know, I still have shortcomings and I still tell some dumb jokes at the hospital, you know. And they're not the greatest all the time either, you knows. But they're getting a little better and cleaner. i'm still impulsive i want what i want when i want it and i want it right now i still exaggerate the truth i still play the messiah occasionally i still don't like to fail i become obsessed with some things but at least today i'm aware of them you know one of my exaggerations and i use this as a manipulator and a controller i'm a chaplain at the hospital i'm on 24 hour day call sometimes and the night i get called out to death and the next morning i'm more tired than i look now and the nurses say father you've been up all night oh it's a tough night you know really tough i've only been up 15 minutes but you know that was really tough father you need some sleep you ought to go back to bed hell that's what I want them to say. You know? By exaggeration, I get them to do what I don't want them to do. So I need to say no. I was only up 15 and I got six hours of sleep. There's a song or a little plaque that I saw that said one thing. You take away the rocks from the brook and the broek will lose its song. Sometimes we need to continue to work in our lives because that gives us fullness. Made a list of all the people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. My counselor in Hazelden says, make sure, Paul, that you put yourself at the top of that list. Your family, your friends, your church. The friends, because you only hurt the ones you love. Not intentionally, but you do. But a unique thing about step number eight that I see is you begin to restore relationships to other people, the spirituality of the AA. You begin to establish and reestablish those relationships, not dealing with guilt, not dealing mit depression, not dealing wit anxiety, but you deal with them in an honest way as to how you have harmed them. Make a list of the people within my church, my brothers priests and religious and my archbishop and bishop that I've heard made a list as best I could I was at the National Convention of clergy and alcoholism last year and I met a priest there who was from the state of Montana and when I was there I remember one time I was stationed in little place called Eureka Montana and I really drank a lot there but I never knew the priest that I could make amends to him and I found out who he was and I I made that on my list. And then I did a step nine just last year with this man that I hadn't seen in 20 years. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except to do so would injure them or others. You know, this step to me brought me freedom and peace and humor. I was born and raised in a nativity grade school and one of the things that bothered me the most when I was a little kid is that I used to throw snowballs at the church and I broke some windows sometimes. time. That bothered me a lot. When I was in treatment, I got enough nerve to send him $100. This is for all the windows I broke. The priest sent me back the $100 and said forget it. And I sent it back to him and said, I need to do this. You take that money. I don't care what you do with it, but I need you to do that. And he did it. You know my friends, they bring up the times when I drank in the past. The times I drank on Omaha and got thrown out. And as I was getting thrown out, I kept saying, you can't do this to me. I'm a priest. You can't doing this to me, you know? But they did anyhow. But now, but now, I can sit down with those priests, those friends, and they can bring it up, and I can laugh with them. And I don't feel that they're laughing at me. And the freedom and the joy. And I can look people in the eyes today. I don't have to look down at anything that I have done. And step 10, continue to take personal inventory when wrong promptly admitted it. This to me is the now program of AA on a daily one-to-day basis with all of the other steps. But I have to be honest with you. When Paul talked last night, he hit me right between the eyes because two weeks before this, I was not doing step 10 like it's called to do. and I had a real tough month prior to this talk. And I'm grateful for Kate asking me to give this talk because it kept me sober during those four weeks because I was going through an emotional ringer and I have emotional hangovers and I wasn't looking at what I was doing in my life and I was giving out double messages and I didn't know why. And so now I didnít do this and I went to a step meeting which I go to on a regular basis on Tuesday nights and we had a 10-step meeting and since that time every night and I hadnít been doing this, I get down on my knees. I didnís get down on my feet before Iíd say my prayers in bed, you know. Now I get down on my knees Not only do I thank my God for sobriety and be grateful for Him for that day, but I look at and take a moral inventory of my life and start to deal with it. And as I begin to deal với it, things began to get better and I could look at my life and say this is where I went wrong today and I got into the feeling level and pray God that I do better tomorrow in step 11 i sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understand and praying only for the knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out i had to come to aa to find my god i didn't know my god only from my head i didn'T KNOW MY GOD FROM MY HEART until I came to AA. For it was in AA that I learned how to pray. And spirituality and all the spiritual life in the AA program demands fidelity to it. It demands discipline. It demands rigorous honesty and I need to do that in my relationship to my higher power. I need self-forgetting prayer. I need the prayer of St. Francis, Lord, make me a channel that I can help other people to forget about me. Give me the gifts that I need today to help myself, to help other people. I learned in AA, a person that prays for himself has eye trouble. And when you have eye trouble, you forget and you don't see anybody else. I learned in AA to be grateful to my God for the gift of serenity and the gift of sobriety and the gifts that the Lord has given to me one day at a time. And I learned another thing very much, that God speaks to me around these AA tables. I hear the Lord speaking to me through you. I hear it. I hear what the Lord is speaking through you to me in the heart. and I learn in AA that I have to forgive myself when I fail because I am human and I allow myself to be put up or I put myself up on a pedestal and I can't do that. And I pray for the will of God that He keeps me sober for that's what I think is the will of God for me today, to stay sober because if I am sober I can handle most things and if I canít handle them I can ask my sponsor I can ask those around me for help. Sobriety gives me the ability to say no to people and not feel guilty. Sobpriety gives the ability to say yes to the Lord and be grateful. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. And all of my life as a priest, I prayed for the gift of healing. I never got it until I became and admitted that I'm an alcoholic. And now I can heal through my own story maybe somebody else who may have a problem that I have. I'm a chaplain in a Catholic hospital and I deal a lot with cancer patients and I see a lot of death but I can deal with those patients because I use the AA philosophy turn your life and your will over the care of God you are powerless over this cancer and your life is unmanageable take it as it comes and trust in the Lord to get you through and I share with them my life I go to AA at least two, three times a week for me it's 12 step I go into discussion groups speaker groups I speak when I'm asked but my sponsor said to me when I was having problems. You're speaking too much and you're not listening to yourself because you like to hear yourself talk. My sponsor is very good because he kicks my butt all over town and he speaks to me as I need to be spoken to. He treats me as Paul. I've known him since 1964 and I love him like a father. But he treats me as an alcoholic. And I try to live the AA example. Sometimes I fail, but I try. AA spirituality has brought new life into my system, my life, through Hazleton and the AA meetings that I have been reborn. I am no longer the same person I was but I'm beginning to become aware of myself and my feelings so I don't have a drinking problem today I still have a thinking problem and that thinking problem will screw up my spirituality very well and that is why I believe that AA is a program of the now, of today because I have the thinking going on today. I don't think of the past, but I still have to deal with the present. And I have learned through AA that I'm not only an alcoholic, but I have a lot of friends and I have an allergy to alcoholism. And because I have that allergy, I have to avoid the surroundings of it. And so today I don' t drink wine for Mass. The bishop has given and the pope has given, whoever has given. I don't care. He has given permission to recovering alcoholics to use grape juice for masks. I didn't have any hang-ups at all with that. Now I get my high in vitamin C and the love of the Father. Don't need booze. but I'm also allergic to poison ivy you know not that this makes any sense but I hit my ball a lot into the golf course it goes into the weed I lose a lot of balls because I won't go in looking for that ball because I don't have to touch poison ivY to get it I can get it in 20 feet if the air is right. It's the same with alcohol and I didn't realize that. I have to change my playmates and my friends, whatever. No? Alright. But I've got to deal with the fact of this. I've gotta change my life. AA has altered attitudes by the way. But thanks to this program of love and the spirituality of it, thank you for the honesty that it requires and the openness and the willingness of the AA program through the emotional ringer that I went through I didn't drink I was on a dry drunk but I didn' t drink but my self identity is returning and thanks to my AA people I was able to get up and share my guts my guts because I don't have this program together. The day that I have it together, I will drink. I got to work this program a day at a time and I gotto work at it with all my being and sometimes I don' and that's the thinking of it and I still intellectualize my feelings. I still have to deal with that. I'm a head person and I've got to allow it to get into my gut, my heart. And I still work and struggle with that. I don't have the answers but I'm working at it because I want to know my feelings as they're happening and I want To be able to deal with them and not run to the bottle to escape them as I did when I drank. I can summarize the spirituality of AA for me in my program in remembering what I was when I drank. When I drank, I was an ass. And I take that word ass and as A-S-S and the first before treatment when I drink, I drank to be accepted by other people and during that drinking I lost the control of the urge to drink and I never knew what it would do to me when I drunk. And after I drank, and when I was drinking the second S, or the first S begins with an S, and it says, I did a lot of stupid things when I drank. And the third S dealt with how I felt like after I drunk. And I think you all know the word that stands for. S-H-T in the middle I, huh? and then I went to treatment and S or A I started to accept myself through the spirituality of relating and trust to other people began with the first S my surrender of my alcoholism to my higher power and if I work the 12 steps of AA and work them at a time every day as best I can do the best I can with it the gift of serenity comes. The gift of serenety that God has graced me with is He loves us all so much. But by the grace of God I could be somewhere else. But because of the grace of God, AA, the fellowship, the 12 steps, my sponsor, my home groups and AA I am a better person today, and I'm a much happier priest. I love my job at the hospital. I love dealing with the sick because I'm sick. I love dealin' with the dyin' because I have to die every day of my life. I would like to close with this story. I really talked a long time, an hour and a half maybe. I'm not quite sure, it's 12 o'clock and I'll quit with this, but there is a story that I'd like to share regarding Psalm 23. And before I went to treatment, I identified with the Shakespearean character in it. And after treatment, I can identify with the old man. They tell the story of the fact that a Shakespearean actor went into Sydney, Australia in the early 19th century and he was to proclaim his great oratorical ability and he decided that he would use scripture. And he put on all his costumes and his masks. He put on the regalia that he needed. And he got up in front of a packed house and he said, The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want he has led me to green pastures he refreshes my soul and after he finished everybody stood up and gave him a rounding applause and there was this little old man he was dressed in shabby clothes he came up to the podium such as this and he said to the Shakespearean actor, he said, could I read Psalm 23? And the Shakespeareian actor looked at the old man and he says, well this guy doesn't have any talents. He doesn't know how to read. He doesn' t have any ability. And he'll only do one thing, make me look better. I'll let him. and the old man began the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want he makes me lie in green pastures he refreshes my soul with his rod and his staff that give me courage I will fear no evil even though I may walk through gloomy days. And everybody cried. And they cried, and they cried. And the Shakespearean actor looked around and he couldn't figure out why. And so he said to the old man, he said, why is it that when I spoke everybody gave me such a round of applause and when you spoke everybody cried and the old man said well I don't know I think you have known the shepherd but I know that the shepherd loves me thank you very much Thank you.