The Prayer of Saint Francis as a Tool for Change – Sandy B.

good morning everybody my name is Sandy Beach and I'm an alcoholic it's great to be here this morning it's been a wonderful conference very powerful speakers I've taken a lot of wonderful strength knowledge and energy with me when I go back to Tampa. I always like to talk to those of you that may be new to AA and try and let you know that it's a hundred times more than you think it is. In the beginning, it seems like, wow, I'm sober. This is really wonderful. But it just unfolds more and more every year. And it doesn't matter how long you've been sober. It's just beginning. we haven't arrived anywhere it's just beginning it's just there's so much more that's going to be available to us as we open more to the power of this program I love to just be around the big book you know it's a very comforting thing and when I think this is what this is this book is all about one thing seeking god as you may understand him but that's what it's all about you know where it says he could and would if he were sought and that's our job after we come in here is to do this seeking and we're given a game plan for doing that through these 12 steps and having home groups and conferences and sponsors to push us along because as much as I enjoy the rewards and the fruits of the spiritual effort, there's part of me that doesn't want anything to do with it. You know, part of me knows that this morning I'm going to talk a lot about God and part of me is going why do you have to talk about God all the time? Why don't you talk about me? I'm tired of God getting the credit. God get the credit, God give this. This is a God-given program. This is God, this is God. You know, I'm important too. And so that's our struggle because we're two beings all locked into one little package here and one part wants to go this way And the other part is trying to accomplish what we were sent here for, which is to overcome the part that doesn't want anything to do with spiritual growth and God and spiritual principles and sharing and becoming smaller and smaller and small. Smaller and smaller until there's nothing left but a higher power, a channel through which this higher power can do all the great works that we see here in AA. and um i was thinking about some of the things that aha has given me and when i think about you know single instances well i suppose one is i've had the same sponsor for 36 and a half years which is a wonderful thing And that's a wonderful gift, to have that same person who came to my house to get me. That was before the treatment centers and all that, and it would seem like sponsors back then were divinely appointed. You know what I mean? They came to your house and got you. And it must be so difficult now when you come in and you go, now go find a sponsor it's like that'd be like being sent out to go find a parent you know what i mean well how do i know this will be the one that'll really take care of me and i sometimes think at the groups we ought to just put all the names in a hat and then oh you need a sponsor well we'll get the senior man here to reach in your sponsor is joe and it would it would look like it was divinely appointed you follow what i'm saying and so there's that there was that initial relationship and then of course after these years has become a deep deep friendship and i'm very grateful for my close close friend Bill T., who's up in Virginia. And we talk on a regular basis, and it's been wonderful. Now, the next thing I was thinking about occurred about two and a half years ago. During the course of about six months, both my parents passed away. They were both 93, lived long and wonderful lives. And my mother ended up with a terminal illness. She was in hospice and my sister's got a 25 years in AA and fortunately she was living nearby in Connecticut and so she said you better come up so I came up and stayed about a week and she was doing pretty good so I said well I'll go back so I went back and then I get the phone call come on back uh probably only be another day or two so I went back up and I went over to the hospice my father was over there and my mother was under this heavy sedation so she wouldn't feel any pain. So she was sort of sound asleep and so I came over to the bed and I just said, Hi mom! And she opened her eyes and just smiled. You wouldn't believe the smile. Her whole face lit up. She didn't really say anything and then she kind of went back to sleep and I was out in the hallway later and the nurse said, I've never seen her that happy now see this is the guy that broke her heart this is a guy that just you know she had all these dreams for and worked so hard to send me to college and they saved money and did all that and then I just took off and went right down the drain and ended up in a nut ward and they came down to see me in there and they didn't know how to talk it was so painful even after I've been sober 10 years or so, I was speaking up in Connecticut and I said, would you like to go to this conference and hear me talk? She said, no, I don't want to go. I don' t want to g o. Later on I found out why. She didn' t want to hear about all the pain I went through. She just didn' T want to hear that. So here it was what A.A. gave me was when I showed up, she smiled and was the happiest the nurse ever saw her. And so it had fixed everything. It had healed and gone beyond that. It just was wonderful. And so it was a very happy event to see this ending of a wonderful life, and so that's something that I really got. Then I got other gifts that have come in, and I share some of these so that if you're new, you understand when we're talking about what does it mean when we're working the program? How does that affect our lives? And I can give you a good example. I really like to read prayers, think about prayers. I love the prayer of Saint Francis. I'm reading a book about Saint Francis, you know he wrote that stuff 900 years ago and it's still so powerful when you read that, make me a channel like peace. I mean And it's just like, whoa. And so for those of you new, why would we be reading this stuff? Why is it important to be using these thoughts that have been written down? It's because they don't come to us naturally. That's not how I think. I don't get up in the morning just, boy, I sure hope I'm a channel of peace today. I just want to go out. I just get up going, I'm afraid. i don't know what's going on they're gonna get me it's awful the world is don't get close to people don't trust anybody okay okay so that's me okay but then if i read some of these thoughts and ideas they take me to a different place and i'm up there and i've gone make me channel that piece make me a channel of thy peace and i and and so there's some sort of a change taking place but it's very slow you can't feel it and it's not always there but it becomes part of us and i was uh went to las vegas last weekend and spoke there and then went to laughlin and talked out there it's a long trip and i'll tell you traveling the older you get man everything hurts i mean just Just leaning on my wrists hurt. You know, I'm going out and it's like I can't get my back fixed and all that stuff and it seems to take like nine hours or whatever so finally get there and I don't like casinos the energy is just so I try to go off and do other things so I'm complaining okay you can hear the and I have a great time I love the people and Bob D I'm over his home group and I just had delight visiting and all that but this travel and hotel stuff so I finally make it through and I get up at five and go out to the drive back to Las Vegas get on the plane and I'm telling my body which is going is this over yet you know is this and I don't know and I've been going hang in there hang in here babe we got eight more hours and we'll be home and you can take a little nap and you go to your home group meeting Sunday night don't worry hang in there so it's I'm on the plane it's got two seats on the left three seats onthe right I'm against the window and lady sitting next to me and they're not going out of the gate because they're trying to get two people to volunteer to get off the plane for $300 so they can get the overbooked people on the plain and this is going on and going on of going on. And I'm not paying attention, but I'm just sort of going, are we ready yet? All of a sudden there's a guy standing in the aisle who is 6'5 and he weighs 450 to 500 pounds if he weighs an ounce. And the stewardess is explaining to him that he's going to have to get in one of these two center seats. And he's looking over there and he's embarrassed about the whole thing and he's standing there and he can't he's not talking but he's just going like this and he started to grab his bag out of the overhead i guess he was going to get off the plane and the lady next to me jumps up and says i'll take one of the middle seats he can have my seat so he came over and said the only way you can sit down is to lift up the armrest and as he got in just sitting he took up half of my seat his knee was up against the tray table and i couldn't put adjust the seat because the arm is up here and you can't get the button and i was like this and i started planning what i was going to say to that lady when we got when we got to Dallas thanks a lot you I mean that's me okay that is me and I sat there and I just went two and a half hours and I'm like oh whoa and then it was like a thought and a voice. A thought and a voice and it's just like it came right into this ear you know, it's me but it's not me and it just came in and it said take a look at that guy do you see how embarrassed he is? Do you see that he won't even turn his head to look at you? He knows, he is practically squeezing you out of the airplane and he probably feels this way every time he travels. I'll tell you what your job is. Your job is to make him feel comfortable. That's what your work is. That's not what your Job is. I felt like I'd been let out of jail because I had just given me the assignment of two and a half hours of resentment. And this was like a new freedom. I had just been granted a total new freedom and I really relished the job I said, that's right he really is uncomfortable with this how are you? and I had to go like this his head was up here how are yo? yeah, where are you going? oh, I'm going to Birmingham well, listen you know, and you travel a lot yeah, I have to travel a while it's hard and I say, yeah, yes it is it really must be and um i didn't ache i had no pains two and a half hours i was like this and it was like yeah and i could feel his body relax i feel his by and it felt great that his body relaxed and i just went there it was effortless now the next leg to tampa no problems I got the full seat I got everything all the room I want I had more aches and pains because now I was back to focusing on me I had no one to help and I was back you know and so where did that thought voice come from well this is what sobriety is as far as I'm concerned we are just taking a series of actions, going down this spiritual path for no apparent reason. I mean, you know, it doesn't, it's not like drinking where you go boom, bop, and you get the result just like that. So it makes a lot of sense. It just isn't that way. But when I look at what happens in this seeking, I was thinking about trying to look at the disease of alcoholism as I think it may have been John there's so many definitions that I'll try another one this morning just to fit what we're talking about this morning and I'm thinking about the chapter of the agnostic where, and that's one of my favorite chapters and when I first came in I thought that, you know I didn't read the book I looked at the chapter heads because my sponsor wanted me to know about the book And I'm going, this is ridiculous, you know. You remember in the beginning, what is this? I don't need a book. I need a loan. That's what I need, right? There's nothing in there but a loan, eh? And I remember looking at that chapter of the agnostic and I said, that'll probably be my chapter. I figured this was going to tell agnostics how to stay sober, like a separate program from all the rest of it. spiritual nuts that were over here into god and steps and all that it was only later on that i read the chapter and i realized it's what it said it said change your mind become a former agnostic that's what so anyway in there is in the second paragraph first prayer somewhere's in there it says If, when you honestly try, you find that you cannot stop entirely, and if, when you are drinking, you have little control over the amount that you consume, you may be an alcoholic. If that be the case, and here we come to the definition of alcoholism, if that be thecase, you may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. Now, how's that for a definition? You may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer. I mean, what is the illness? You know what I mean? I thought it had to do with drinking. And here it's just saying, no, no. You have this situation that only a spiritual experiment can do. A spiritual experience can conquer you. So you have to kind of work backwards. You know how they worked backwards and they were sailing the ships in the 1500s or whatever it was and people kept getting scurvy and then they started stacking oranges on the ship and then ate them and then didn't get it anymore so you didn't have to be a doctor you could go I think scurvy is an orange deficiency you know what I mean you just work backwards that's an interesting way to look at alcoholism instead of looking at all the scientific symptoms you look at the solution and then work backwards if the solution is a spiritual experience, then what is the disease? Well, it must be the absence of a spiritual experience. It must be a lack of spirituality is the problem. And we try to fix it with alcohol, which is a spiritual solution of some sort, if you stretch your imagination. And in my case, alcohol worked in a very spiritual way. It was a higher power. It changed my perception of reality. It transformed the world into a wonderful place to live in. All while I was just standing there. Just standing there, wasn't doing anything. Nothing changed. All the players are still the same. and I go bump, bump, and it went from threatening, hostile, rotten people into friends that I can hardly wait to meet. That's what alcohol did. So I always wanted to live in the friendly world and I hated going back to the hostile world. I hated getting sober. And so when people say, why don't you just not drink? I would just go, do you know what happens when you don't drink? you are sober all the time. All the time! You... You... You never get a break. Ever! You know, and just trying to stay sober like during the working hours. Okay, it's 4.30. No, no, no. Okay, I'll get busy. I'll stay, you know, because 5 o'clock I can go get a drink and my body is telling me get down get go you need it so I'm going okay 4.30 I'm gonna get busy I'll go get these files I'll study this take my mind off of that I work and work and work and work I look up it's 4.31 somebody's screwing with the clocks they make a time stop when am I gonna get there when am i gonna get there when am i gonna get there finally it's 5 o'clock I go into the bar, and you remember how we were. We just went in. Rushing, rushing, rushing. And the bartender comes over and says, yes, sir. And I go, go ahead and wait on them. I'm not in a hurry. Because I didn't want it to appear that I was eager, that I needed this alcohol. And my body inside is going, what are you doing up there? We had an emergency down here. You're going to, you know. and then finally we poured it in and 15 minutes later I'm going to myself what was it I was so upset about when I came in here there's nothing wrong now now I'm complete I'm happy joyous and free I'm in the center of love of the entire universe this is awesome so that's what drinking was and in a way that's why I'm here that's where the spiritual path is about, except it's not a chemical one. It is taking certain actions that will produce the power to see the world as it really is. And that's why Chuck Chamberlain just loved Chuck. I was such a privilege to know him and I went to his house and sat in his chair and looked out over the Pacific Ocean. And those of you, if you haven't listened to his tapes, you ought to get some of Chuck's, and really he's a wonderful, just a powerful teacher. We've got some great teachers in AA&E. My sponsor was one, and Chuck was certainly one. And he said that getting sober was like getting a new pair of glasses. And when you picked them up and put them on and took another look, you just loved what you saw. Man, look at this world. I'm so glad I live in it. But it takes power to hold that vision so we have to constantly work on establishing and maintaining contact with the power to see that world because as soon as we let up on our spiritual activities the power shuts off and we start seeing the threatening world again and that's why daily practices are so important and meetings and calling and reading. Put the power, the spiritual power in so that when we look around, we see the world that we like. I like to think of sobriety as the power to remove all the problems so that there's nothing for alcohol to fix. And when there's Nothing for Alcohol to Fix, it's really easy to stay sober. I mean, that's why we needed a drink so bad. I got to fix this. I can't stand this anymore. Well, if that's fixed, if it's removed for that moment, then it's real easy to stay sober. You want a drink? No, I don't need one. I'm perfectly fine just the way it is. And that's just a wonderful thing. So anyway, one of the things that Chuck said that I just, you know, I find things that I read. I am going to share a few of them this morning. The first time you hear them, you just go, I think that's a little too extreme. I think that's the right thing to do. That's a little extreme. And Chuck would say, you know, everybody's running around thinking that it's their job to take care of themselves. Because if I don't take care of myself, who will? Even the old saying, God takes care of those who takes care of themselves. And I heard an Al-Anon lady one time say, that's not it. God takes care OF those that ask. That's who God takes CARE of. But Chuck goes even further. He said, it's not even your job to take care of yourself. That'S God's job. Your job is to do His work. That' s your job. Just do HIS stuff and you'll be taken care of. And so I was going, well, I've certainly seen that. I was thinking, you know, like that airplane incident. All of a sudden, I was doing his work and he took care of me fine. I had no aches or pains, didn't have anything. And I've had this in terms of finances and all kinds of stuff. I would stand active doing this and that and all of a suddenly an event would happen and I would be taken care of. And I was thinkin' about Bill Wilson. You could look at this and go, geez, look at Bill. Here he is. he was really doing the work i mean man he was just committed to this and struggling trying of course he had all these crazy ideas about how to make a go and he was going to get paid missionaries and raise millions and millions of dollars and start hospitals and all that kind of stuff and none of it would work he couldn't get any money at all just it's just broke i mean you talk about broke it's uh you ought to read if you're new and you think you're broke read about Bill I mean there he is so he's he's writing the big book they're in the drafts the final drafts and they get evicted from their house in Brooklyn they're out in the street and they can't afford to put the furniture in storage and they got no place to stay and you would say well he's been doing God's work all along. I don't see God taking care of him. What's this deal? Well, what happens next? The AA community goes, we got to keep him going. He's essential to keeping this whole thing going. So let's pass the hat and we'll come up with a weekly amount of money for him and Lois and we get him an old beat-up car and we got a cabin over here that he can stay in for a couple of months. Then he can stay at Joe's house, Harry's house Frank's house. We got it all planned for him. Well there it was. He just kept plowing ahead with the mission at hand and was totally taken care of. And then of course in the later years when the big books started selling and AA started becoming financially independent then he wasn't even concerned with money anymore. It wasn't part of his thing, and there was plenty of it. And it was very comfortable, but it wasn't an essential part of his life because he had gone beyond that. And so Chuck is saying, it's God's job to take care of me and my job to do His work. And I found that, you know, I don't know about you, and I said, that's great. You know what I mean? Anytime you hear a lofty principle, man, that' s great. I really like that. But I think I'll just keep a couple hundred dollars in my wallet. And I think I'll have to set aside something over here and I won't worry as much as I used to worry about financial security and I'll think about that later on. I mean it's so hard to let go of the old way of living. I remember when I was thinking about forgiveness. Do you know how hard it is to forgive? Have you ever thought about forgiveness? And you say, you know, I really ought to forgive them. And you go, okay. And you do. But it isn't gone. You know what I mean? In your mind, you go... Jane, you're forgiven for leaving me for another guy with all the kids. You're totally forgiven. but down in here it's like you rotten son of a gun i can't believe what you did nice yeah but she's forgiven it's it's over he's forgiven so we've said forgiveness but there's it hasn't happened yet and i remember the first time i read about forgiveness growing up i was in the church brought up in the catholic church and i'm reading about my hero at the time is jesus i'm going man look at this he's walking on the water i thought that was great i'm just going look at that is that cool? Then he changed water into wine. I went, yes. Yes. My kind of guy. I'm with this man. I am going all the way. And then people are sick and he just goes, whoo, in their well. And I am just going, I am gonna model my life after him. Then there is, all of a sudden they're nailing him to a cross whoa well the story has taken an unfortunate turn i think he i'll sort of follow his path but i won't be as extreme as he was because certainly don't want to end up getting nailed to a across i mean my god that's That has to seriously hurt. I mean, I didn't know that. So what is he saying while this is going on? He's saying, Father, forgive them. They know not what they do. And I'm... I didn' t say this out loud, but you know what I'm thinking to myself? Jesus, are you on drugs? They're nailing your butt to a cross and you're saying, Forgive them. I mean... Hello? I mean, what is that? So later on, they're explaining these principles and what these teachings were all about and that forgiveness is how we get free of any injuries that are done to us because that's the only freedom there is. So the bar was set as far as my own education was. Forgiveness extends up to and including getting nailed to a cross. That's how far you go with forgiveness. Now, you're not going to believe this, but all through my life I kept having stuff happen to me that was worse than getting nailed. and you know why it was worse because it was happening to me that's why it was worse so i was you know i was i was willing to forgive up to a certain point but you know what i mean there's just this so all those things and uh so let me close her at the end of the time i wanted to say one last thing for those of you that are new you are the gift that AA gives you that's the gift and your job just like that voice came into my ear your job is to unwrap that gift see it's wrapped up in old ideas it's wrap up in a lot of garbage it's wraped up in all kinds of erroneous information. The truth about you is going to blow your mind. The truth about you as a human being is so awesome, it's going to take the rest of your life to unfold. It's the story of the century. Each one of us, this is the epic journey. Up until now, it was the minor leagues. All that stuff, fighter pilot, ha ha ha, joke. Compared to the spiritual program. compared to challenging the battle of can I overcome my selfishness. That's your challenge. And as you take these steps and you find one more thing to get rid of, as Chuck said, uncover, discover, and discard one more things that I'm wrong about, one more think to throw over the side, one more thin that's causing resistance between me and the rest of the world. My job from now on is not to do anything except bring harmony wherever I go. And the only way I can bring harmony where ever I go is to stay undisturbed. Spirituality is, as the 10th step suggests in the 12 and 12, the art of achieving and maintaining a status of undisturbness. When we are in this state, we are wonderful to be around. People are attracted to us. When we focus on overcoming selflessness and being undisturbed, we bring harmony where we go. We treat the 7-Eleven clerk with respect. We treat waiters and waitresses differently than when we're so filled with ourselves. And as we bring this new energy out into the world about us, the world reacts to that energy with a loving embrace. And we feel wanted where we Go. We feel harmony wherever we go. We actually create the world that we're living in by simply struggling against ourselves to not give in to that selfish part. And when we do, don't beat yourself up. Don't beat your self up. Just go, I'm human. I'm getting off the floor and I'm going to try better today. And the journey goes on and on. And if you're new, hold on. it is beautiful God loves you we all love you it's been a great conference thank you