“The Power to Get Free” – Lack of Power – Step 1 – Joe H.

My name is Joe. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to be here. I'd like to thank the committee for inviting me to come. I am from Santa Monica, California. I'm a member of the Big Book group. We meet on Tuesday nights at 730 in Santa Monica if you're ever out that way. By the grace of God and the fellowship of this program and good sponsorship, I've been sober since August 17th, 1982. For that, I'll be forever grateful. I used to think that gratitude was something that we feel and something that we think about, and I found out that that's true, but I also found out that it's inaction. I used to feel the same way about love, because all I had ever really done was felt it a few times maybe and thought about it a lot, knew very little about expressing that. I was thinking this morning when I called a friend of ours from California to wish him a happy 26th birthday, and I meet some of these other men and women in this program that I know that have been going and going and going for years and years and years that, you know, it's sometimes real petty of me to have any the audacity to complain when you have to go to West Covina or South Central Los Angeles somewhere you really don't want to go and you think about these men and women that have done just doing it for 20, 30, 40 years. Sometimes I complain plane about going across the street from my house to my home group. Got on the plane yesterday in Denver. I've been a week in Denver where I got sober. I moved from Denver to Santa Monica in 1986 when I was four years sober, and I'd been in Denver for about a week, and I got on the plane yesterday and took my seat. The row was filled. There was a guy and a lady in the middle and me on the aisle. It wasn't but five minutes and the only other alcoholic coming to the Cornhusker Conference was the guy sitting next to me from California. and we just started talking and about 15 minutes later after talking about all this stuff, I wondered what this poor lady in the middle between us thought. We were trying to be careful not to mention AA or alcoholism or sobriety or... You know, we just left out all the important stuff, right? And I was telling him a story about meeting a Baptist fundamentalist minister on a plane one time going to Texas and about ten minutes into our little talk, he was asking me about God and I was telling him funny stories that you hear in AA and he just thought they were really cute. This lady said, well, what are you guys doing? I said, well, we're ministers going to a convention. She didn't believe me and I told her I was just kidding. It was a great experience. And then to get here last night I had a great dinner with some friends from California. It's just great being here. Really warm folks. I grew up in the Midwest, in Michigan. Not really the Midwest though. The upper Midwest. Serial city. I grewup in Battle Creek, Michigan. Wasn't allowed to eat Kellogg's. My grandfather worked for Post Cereals, so I ate Frosted Flakes when I began to rebel. I wore a tie this morning out of respect to Dick Martin. And after an experience I had in Muscatine, Iowa... I mean, they called and they said, we're doing this thing down by the river in a tent. And I had this picture, you know, and I didn't even take a tie. And the whole weekend, Dick was just giving me a hard time. Where's your tie? I mean I wasn't even speaking and he was asking me, where's your tag? Friday night, Saturday, you now. I missed one meeting on Saturday afternoon. He said, where were you during the meeting? I said, well, I was meditating. He didn't buy that. I asked him last night, should I wear a tie? He said, I don't know, I'm not your sponsor. I'm reminded of a story when I look at those that have shown up this morning that I heard one time and at the time it kind of made me angry and I know that when that happens there's something I need to look at and there certainly was something that I needed to look in And the story was about taking a hundred of us from Alcoholics Anonymous and, God forbid, putting us back in the bar. And this man said, you know what you'd find? He said, You'd find about 20 or 30 of us belly up to the bar, wallowing in our whiskey, crying in our beer. And the sad thing would be that some of them wouldn't know there's anything more to find than alcohol and some of whom would enjoy it. He said, then you'd find about 20 or 30 of us in the middle of the bar sitting at the tables coming in, drink till we feel good and then go home. He said then you'll find about 30 or 40 mad dogs in and out of the bar going here, going there. Won't settle for just sitting at the bar wallowing in their whiskey, crying in their beer because they know there's more to find than alcohol. Won't sell for just coming in sitting in the middle of a room, drink until they feel good, and then and go home because they want it all. They're going here, they're going there, they're getting in trouble, they're doing it up. He said now you take those hundred people, you put them back in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and you'll find they settle for about the same thing they did when they were drinking. He said you'll fine those and I can't do that. Come in, sit at these tables and wallow in my big book and cry in all my crap because I know there's a solution. And I've tried coming into these rooms and just do enough to feel better and then go home. And when I've done that, my own gratitude starts to choke me and it becomes useless because I'm not giving it away. And I was a mad dog then and I'm a maddog now. And usually when either you do something on the steps or the traditions or the concepts or you do some work or you're doing something early in the morning, those seem to be the people that show up. Let alone doing something early inthe morning on the step. I'm also a smoker, so I really thought maybe that we'd do this from the basement where the smokers are and maybe close-circuit TV up to this room. They got it made, though. They got tables down there and it's cool and they get to smoke and drink large amounts of coffee and they can heckle me and I wouldn't know. They could laugh or make fun. I've been an active participant in all three parts of this program for nine and a half years. Active in the steps, active in the fellowship, active in service since somebody told me there were three parts to the program. Now, I didn't know that at a certain time when I was five months sober And I didn't know there was a part of the disease that I was suffering from that starts and gets worse after the last drink. No one ever told me, but I started to experience it. I think some of the greatest experiences I've had with these steps is when the experience happens before I understand it or anybody tells me. The first time I was ever asked to do this, I was seven months sober. I was doing my first fifth step with a man that'll be here who's going to speak on Sunday morning. And we'd spent about five or six hours one day and he was the state delegate for Colorado at the time and he said he had to go across town to speak. I was used to following him around and we drove across town. We walked into a church in North Denver and there was about 300 people, which is a big meeting in Denver. And we're walking in the door and he says, I forgot to tell you, you're speaking first. And I thought, you know, how in the world do you do that? So I asked. I was taught to ask. I wasn't told to shut up because I had been very quiet and withdrawn and shut off for a long time. And i asked him, how do you do that? He said, you go in the bathroom, you get on your knees, you say a prayer, you come out and see what happens. And And I did that. And that night before I had finished my fifth step, I experienced the promises that come at the fifth step. Had never read them. Read them the next day. Some of them had happened. I was able to look those people in the eye. I felt a peace and a power flowing through me. Everything that was outlined there. I think it's terribly sad sometimes when we sell this program and The Power of God and The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous short when we talk about the twelve promises. It leads new people to believe that's all there are, and they only come halfway through the ninth step. And I have found through working this process or being taken through this process on a regular basis, there's both positive and negative promises at each step. They tell me exactly what should be happening as I move through this. There's great promises even before the third step. Prayer, even before the prayer. In the middle of the second step, in the first step, if I don't go on, it tells me what might happen. What did happen based on my experience. In the Middle of the fourth step, after five, I think some of the greatest promises in our book come at the tenth step. People think sometimes times because of the strong feeling I have about Alcoholics Anonymous, because this program literally saved my life, that I don't love AA. I might not like some of the things I see. That would probably be wherever I might be. But there's a way to be free and there's a way in AA and there is a way you can find what you want in AA. That's one of the the things that's really freed me up. Not everybody in AA should want what I want, and I shouldn't want what everyone else wants either. And I think some of the strong feelings I have about AA is because I really do care about AA, and I express that by saying what I'm going to do and doing what I say I'm gonna do and showing up and being a part of a group and being sponsor and being esponsee and submitting to people that I trust and and being accountable, trying to be of service and carry this message. But I have strong feelings about AA. When I was five and a half months dry, I had been going to a lot of meetings. I had a sponsor who I thought had taken me through the first three steps. He asked me one day in a hospital, the last treatment center that I've ever been to. It's kind of ironic about that after being in treatment ten times and becoming a therapist in one. Alphys understand that because you're either a patient in one or you're a therapist-in-one, right? And that wasn't about helping anyone. That was not about even any kind of a motive to help anybody. That was about something that had been on my mind since before I ever took a drink. What's wrong with me? That was the first thing that came to my mind. It was about finding out what was wrong with them. And if I got the right information and the right little piece, everything was going to be okay. The funny thing about AA is you find out what's really wrong with you at a gut level. It's not okay. You have to move on. You haveと find some power. But at five and a half months, I didn't know that. There's a girl in our group in Santa Monica that says quite often that grace really only lasts as long as ignorance does. And once you see a piece of truth, no matter how long you might be sober, or you really need a little bit more than grace because you need some power to do something with the truth that you've seen. And I have found that to be my experience. I have gone long periods of time believing that what I think I know is true is true and finding out by submitting myself to someone else and to a process that I can't do and being given the power to move through that process, I find out about big chunks of time where I think Iím awake and I know the truth and I find OUT that itís a lie. and there I was at five-and-a-half months with all these ideas about AA. I thought I had a sponsor. I had the idea of a sponsor, but I had to go to a guy that took me around to AA meetings and taught me how to pick up girls in treatment centers. God bless him. We got to the basics of Alcoholics Anonymous when I was brand new. I saw Harry not too long ago. They weren't sure if he was sober, but he still says he's in AA. They don't know what kind of medication he might be on. And he wasn't any different than ten years ago. And at five and a half months, I woke up one day and there was a part of my disease that was worse than the day I got here. and no one in all the places that I had ever been and everything I had every learned ever talked to me about a part of the disease that begins after the last drink. Because the places I had been, you can't sell a spiritual malady that no human power can relieve. As a matter of fact, in those fields it's not even recognized. There is no such thing as probably even a spirit within us or a malady of the spirit. it. For the first time in 30 years and 12 years of therapy in 10 treatment centers, having become a therapist in one. By the way, I drank on a daily basis with the director of the program that I worked for. That's what I do. That is what I drink. I was in Flagstaff, Arizona not too long Going to a beautiful state park, campground next door. Wonderful people. And the whole weekend I kept hearing, I don't know if it was even what people were saying, but I kept hearin', you know, we're all exactly where we're supposed to be. And we're doing exactly what we're suppose to be doing. And I started to experience that feeling. It's a wonderful feeling to share in the fellowship. And I'd been with my host the whole week-end. And I've been with him that morning and he didn't say anything about what he was about to say to me and they were up at the dais and there's about 2,000 people and there is this gorgeous view in Flagstaff, Arizona and about one minute before they are going to introduce me they are reading how it works and my host leans over and he says oh I forgot to tell you a lady died over in the campground last night that was registered here at the conference of alcohol poisoning we'd now like to introduce our speaker from Santa Monica, Joe H Needless to say, that was kind of on my mind by the time I got up there. And out of my mouth came, you know, I've been hearing all weekend and I really started to believe it, that we're all exactly where we're supposed to be and we're doing exactly what we're suppose to be doing. And when my friend reminded me about one minute ago of what happened last night over in the campground, I was really reminded, just a little teeny shift in consciousness, what it will produce within me. that we're all exactly where we shouldn't be doing something we absolutely shouldn't be doing. I'm amazed sometimes when somebody that's been around or somebody in our group is shocked when so-and-so drank. Oh, my God. I mean, they've just done the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do and they're shocked. I mean... We ought to be shocked by some of these people that continue to show up on a regular basis week after week after week... sober sober an alcoholic doing the most unnatural thing for an alcoholic to be doing and I guess the whole proposition here this morning I think what we'd like to do what I'd like you to do what they've asked me to do is four 90 minute sessions and we'll take a break in a little while at 90 minutes and then we'll come back this afternoon noon. And I guess the basic proposition that I'm confronted with this morning and considering the first step is, can I do that? Can I pull off the most unnatural thing for an alcoholic to be doing? And I Guess another consideration if I'm really open. And that's what I pray for when I start this work each year, and I do go through the first nine steps every year and I'm not here to debate anybody. And that says you do the first nine steps once. You live in 10, 11, and 12. And there's another school that says you continue to rework and rework and rework these principles. And I don't care to debate about that because the people in AA that have what I want, a large handful of people in AA that have it I want continue to do this work. I have a sponsor who will be here this afternoon. He planned his arrival just about the time when I'll finish finish. He said it's because he didn't want to critique me. I told him it was because he didn't wanna put up with me all day, right? We just spent a weekend together and two alcoholics, ex-convicts with 28 other alcoholics in a monastery. And I'm gonna try to believe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was suppose to be doin'. Not this This guy, it was a very unnatural place for me. And I've been there twice a year, every year for 10 years. And I love going there. It's a strange thing. I never liked being around ex-convicts. I never like being around them when I was one of them. I'm no longer an ex- convict. That was a big piece for me because anything in AA to separate you. I'm an alcoholic ex- con. I'm and alcoholic and anything. anything. Once again, I've fallen into the trick of the ego to do anything it can to separate me from you just long enough for me to take a drink. And I believe that to be with the main function of my ego to separate Me from you in any way I can. I used to use My drunkologue to separate Me from You and I thought I was using My drunkagogue to become one of You and I didn't even know that until I found out. It wants to separate me for me and what I truly am and convince me I'm not an alcoholic just long enough. And it wants to separate me from this power that keeps me sober. And any one of the combination of those three just long genug to put me back on a bar stool. And I know that. I used to have a great attachment to my drunk-a-log. And I don't have a problem with anybody that tells their story, and I don' t mind telling my story. I don''t mind sharing my story with anybody. I can remember times where I've had these inventories. The first one was big and the rest of them have been small, and they do get shorter and the amends list gets shorter. And I'm not writing about what I wrote about ten years ago. But I'm trying to stay current, to be here. Maybe it's just for this one moment. You never know. There was one of those moments in Nashville, Tennessee, two years ago that could have just passed right by if I was asleep. So I like to do what I can on a daily basis to be awake wake. Because I've had times where I'm absolutely dreaming that I'm alive on my feet, up, totally asleep. And I find out about it in the next inventory. Or I find doubt about it by using 10 and 11 in the morning, at night, throughout the day. And I hate missing those moments. Maybe this whole time through those steps, this last time I'm currently in the men's, I've got I've got about five amends to finish in California. So, I go to Denver for a week. My God, I've had amends in Denver and I haven't been there for eight months. Maybe going through the steps this time was really about just being awake for one guy or one gal that's here right now today. You never know. No. One person that doesn't know that maybe there's a little bit more than what they've experienced. Because see, that's what my ego wants to do also. Trap me where I am and convince me this is it. And God is no longer everything. He's now finite. He's measurable. This is it with any area of my life. With relationships. With money. With business. Help. With my relationship with God. With my freedom from alcohol. This is the end of the world. This is what you're not going to get anymore. That's it. it. That's what it wants me to do. Maybe there's one person here today that sometimes baffled in AA because I have had times in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous sitting in these rooms where I absolutely feel that I don't fit, because they're just doing it. They're coping with life, they're dealing with their feelings, they are just not drinking no matter what. And I'm sitting there and thinking, why the hell do I have to To do all this damn work. To stay in touch with this power. Why can't I just do that? I sometimes feel in AA the same I used to when I was drinking. Why can'T you just quit? Why can'T you just stop breaking my heart? And sometimes I'm sitting here and I hear people saying what they're doing and taking the credit. They don't need God. They don'T need to work these steps. They find everything they want in a fellowship. And I sit there sometimes feeling really alone. And most of the time, I don't. Because I'm usually surrounded by people that are just like me. And I surround myself with those people. I'm terribly leery of people that say they walked into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, their first meeting, and everything's just been hunky-dory ever since. And at 90 days, they had a conscious contact. tech. I've had to work my ass off in this program one little piece at a time. I got a guy that I got sober with. We were in treatment together. I just spent five days staying in his home. He's a good friend of mine. He is my broker. That's an amazing thing, a guy like me. I have a guy who cares about me and what's done with my money because I don't I don't seem to handle it real well when it's left to me alone. We were in the same treatment center. We used to talk about drinking. We usedto talk about using drugs. He and I sounded just the same. We sounded justthe same. He was there because his wife threatened to leave him. And I don' t think it matters what reason you get here. I think what matters is why you need to stay. He didn't need tostay. He got out of treatment, became a parking attendant, valet parker in a restaurant. He now owns half of a stockbroker firm. Hasn't had to do anything in AA. Never had a sponsor. Never been to meetings. Never had to work these steps. And he just keeps getting better. Three kids, wonderful house, wonderful wife. And I keep having to submit myself to a process that I don't even really like to just kind of stay above board and somewhat sane and at peace some of the time. And I wonder what's wrong with me? and I always know there's somebody here that's at that place I did it when I was at five and a half months I reached it again in a year and a halve it happened again at three it happened again at five and a half I've met people with a lot of time sitting there wondering about that stuff they don't tell me about in the middle of the night what's wrong with me why aren't I getting it like everyone else seems to be saying they're getting it or maybe Maybe just that little lurking notion that maybe there's a little bit more than just relief. You know, I've learned all the stuff to do to feel better. I can share 100 times a week. I can go to 300 meetings. I can call 10,000 people. I can talk about it. I can cry about it, but every time I get reminded of it, it's still there and you reach a place as I've reached several times in this program and on this path where you want to start seeking some freedom rather than just release. relief. Because I found out one thing about relief in an inventory one time. One thing, it's always one thing. Relief is always one thing. Temporary. Real freedom. I can tell you about the worst resentment ever in my life that I spent 12 years talking about in therapy. And all I found Out was why I felt that way. I just I just knew more about why I felt the way I felt. And that was toward a father who was 57 years old when I was born. And I hated him by the time I was 10 years old because he wasn't doing with me what I thought he should have been doing. And to do what I was told to do, surrounded by people that said you can't make amends to someone who's dead. But thank God there was always the people in those rooms that said, yeah, you can. Every time I wanted to get free in AA, there's always two kinds of people around me. Those that say you can't and those that say you really can. And I went to his grave and I did what I was told to do and I walked out of that graveyard and the feelings that I lived with for 31 years have never come back. I respect that man. His age when I was born used to cause me great pain. It now gives me great hope. I would really like to be doing what my dad was doing when I'm 57 years old. I have great respect for the man. He did some amazing things in his life, and I had two older brothers that played baseball with me, that took me places, that were there for me at the game and couldn't appreciate a wise man that was in my life until it was just about too late. We made our peace when he was in the intensive care unit of a hospital that I was locked in a psychiatric ward downstairs and no one in the family but my mother knew and I was brought to my dad's deathbed and we made some peace and I went to his house and I said, And I was downstairs in a white room had been locked up for 36 days. He died in the same hospital I was in. That used to cause me great pain. I used to hate alcohol. Sober. I love alcohol. I love what it did for me. I love What It Did To Me. If I hadn't found alcohol at age 13 when I did, I would have probably blown my head off if I would've gone on feeling the way I felt because I was separate, different, and apart, full of fear. Every description of untreated alcoholism in this book fit me before I ever took a drink. And it did some stuff for me that I can't... I have a hard time even describing. But I know that you understand if you're like me. And then when it turned on me, it also became my saving grace because it took me to a place where I was open to give up. I'm grateful for every drop I ever drank. I'm thankful for everything I ever did because I've been able to get free of it. Been able to take that trash heap garbage of a past that I never thought would mean anything to anybody and actually have people ask me to share that with them and realize that it's the greatest gift that I have. That's an amazing thing. I'd like to read one thing outside of the 164 pages. And I just heard it again, heard it. There's a difference between hearing something and hearing something. There's an interesting difference between getting something and getting something. My sponsor has been saying something to me for 10 years. It took about six years to get. Although the first time I heard it, I understood every word. And what he's been saying to me, and it really freed me up when it went from here to here, That terribly long, arduous journey from your head to your heart. Sometimes it happens there first. Sometimes it happened here first and for six years he was saying to me, you know, Joe, no one in these rooms is any closer to God than anybody else in these rooms. And nobody in these room is really any closer to God in the last time they took a drink. The only thing that really changes here is our awareness of a presence that's been there all the time. And my perception shifted and I started to see you different and I I started to see me different, and I started to experience that presence different. Our co-founder said, if you think you're an atheist, an agnostic, or even a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone? That's your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails. If you go about it with even one half the zeal you've been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink, your Heavenly Father Father will never let you down. And I've been all those things. I don't think I've ever really been a true atheist. But to wake up seven and a half years sober or nine and a Half years sober or people that I know that have been doing this a lot longer than me to wake Up with that much time and that much experience with this power and miracles and grace in my life and find pieces of agnosticism within myself yourself and admit that is an amazing, freeing thing. See, for someone who's been around, one of the propositions we'll get to at the second step is not a big deal at all. And it's one of the main propositions in the second steps. For a new guy like me, it was a major move forward to just be willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself. That is no longer relevant to me. That's not a valid consideration, but it can be as real and valid and considerable now with this many years and for the people I know with a lot more time than I have that do this work. If you just consider one little thing added to it. Do I really now believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself that can take me beyond the experience I've had with each area of my life and I'm face-to-face with my doubt and my prejudice and everything that that chapter talks about that one must face to just once again come to that place of willingness. I was asked in June, I started the steps this time June 15th with an American Indian man from Colorado Springs and I was done with the fifth step and in the eighth step by June 25th. He gave me five days to write. It only took six hours. Did a fifth step on a 13,000-foot peak overlooking Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs with an American Indian man. A year ago, if you would have asked me would I ever even consider doing anything like that, there's absolutely no way. A friend of mine in California that knows me said, You know what really happened for you this time, Joe? Joe, you really lost your attachment to the mechanics. Because I have this idea it has to be done a certain way. It has to been a certain place. It has be with a certain person. I woke up one day in Santa Monica after being there for over a year and I had an inventory in front of me that was finished and my head said, there's only one man in this program that can hear that and that's Don Pee in Denver, Colorado. And my next thought was, if you believe that, you're dead. and you'd better let some people know where you live on that level. You'd better Let Some People Know You. And I moved from that and fifth step was some people that I had once worked with. To wake up at five and a half months because of someone exciting me about this program and really convincing me of the two things that need to happen for an alcoholic to recover and I believe they do need to happened Because everyone I've met that stayed around here, it happened. Sometimes they both happen in the same moment. Sometimes one happens and then the other happens. And I believe those two things that had to happen for me was, one, I needed to meet a man that I knew was like me. And number two, I need to meet him and that wasn't like me anymore. And those two amazing pieces came together at the same time. Because you know, they paraded those people by me me in a lot of different places where I was that I knew were like me, but none of them had a solution. If that's all I needed, the county jail would have worked the first time I ever went there to share with a common peril if that was all that was needed. I would have gotten well a long time ago, but I believe there's two parts to that cement that binds us, you and I together, that you and and I not only share a common problem, and I know that you're like me, but we also share a common solution. Because they had also paraded a lot of people by me that had a solution. But every time I met one of them, I knew he wasn't like me. He hadn't been where I'd been. He hasn't felt what I felt. He was either a teacher or a minister or a therapist or something. And I'd ask him, well, have you ever done that? Have you ever been there? have you ever felt that? He'd say, well, no. But when I was in college they told me that you poor people would and it wouldn't happen. And it took me five months to wake up to the fact that I'd met the guy in my first meeting. Because in my first meeting I met a man that said you don't have to ever feel this way again and he had been where I had been and he'd done what I had done and he felt what I'd felt and most importantly he drank the way I drank. Not the amount or the length of time or the trouble or any of that. He drank the way I drank. And five and a half months later, I woke up one day and I was confronted with the nature, the true nature of my condition further away from my last drink than I've ever been. The third part of this disease, the root of my disease. I was confront it and given the grace to see the spiritual malady that I suffer from. And there was a lie smashed. And the lie was, now that you've stopped drinking, your alcoholism should get better because the problem has been put aside. And I woke up at five and a half months confronted with my problem. And what had happened was that five months earlier, my solution that didn't work anymore had been removed. I remember in several treatment centers I went to, they used to tell me, alcohol and drugs are your problem. And if you just put them aside, everything will be all right. And after about six of those places, I wanted to say to those people, what do you mean? What do you means alcohol is my problem? It's the only thing left in the world that ever takes me anywhere but where I am. And it barely does that anymore. And what do mean every time I put it aside, it'll get better? I put this side and there's something that gets worse. it's described on page 52 in the chapter of the agnostic because i had this idea when i first heard a man talk about a threefold disease of the body mind and spirit i had this idea that whatever this spiritual malady thing is it must be heavy and esoteric and hard to explain and it probably happened the moment of conception or at least the moment of birth and it's probably freudian and there's probably someone to blame for it. I mean, that was my reference. And a man said to me, the spiritual malady that we suffer from is described in simple, understandable terms that anyone can understand except maybe someone like you that knows just a little bit too much. I met him and I told him a little about my experience and the first thing he said to me was, you know enough about alcoholism yourself and how you feel to be dangerous to yourself and everybody around you. He said, why don't you say a prayer that what you think you know be put aside just long enough to have an open mind and a new experience. And you know how I knew when that was working? In my first inventory, I was not drawing on things that I was taught. When I was going through the first step, I was now drawing on words and ideas and theories that I used to teach. I used to give great lectures on THIQ, neurotransmitters, chemical enzyme reactions in the body of an alcoholic and didn't have a clue that I was powerless over alcohol. So at five and a half months, I went to this man that I'd heard in my very first meeting and I asked him for help. And he started to share with me and he said he only knew one way to do it. And he said we were going to start on the title page of this book and we were gonna go through it. Line by line, question by question, direction by direction. And since that day to this, I've never felt the way I did the day I went to his house. That doesn't mean I've always felt great. That means that I have never felt as hopeless. I have ever felt as alone. I have been as miserable as the day I went into his house five months away from my last drink. and he started to talk to me about a circle and a triangle that I had seen at probably every meeting I'd ever been to and didn't understand anything about it. He started to tell me he started talking to me about a three-part program. Unity, recovery, and service. And he started asking me where do I think we find each of those parts of the program? Where do you think you find unity? And I said in the fellowship. He said, where do you think you find recovery? And I said, on the wall. He said no, Joe, in your case they made a mistake when they put the steps on the wall because they left the directions in between each one out and they left them up to idiots like you to figure out. He said the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous is located in the basic text of Alcoholic Anonymous in the first hundred and sixty four pages and I found out a little later on that's exactly what this book says about itself. cell. And I was not in that part of the program. He said, what about service? I said, well, that's carrying the message. He says, right, are you doing that? And I got cocky for a minute. I said well, I'm taking patients to meetings from where I used to go to treatment. He said oh, you're carrying alcoholics to the message, there's a big difference. And And all of a sudden I saw, I was not a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was only a member of the fellowship. And that there were two other parts of AA that I wasn't involved in. I wasn' t involved in recovery and I wasn''t involved in service. And I was expecting the benefits of a three-part program from one part of it. He said, Do you know there's a part of the disease for each part ofthe program? I said, No. He said," Have you ever heard, Bring the body, the mind will follow?" I said," Yeah." He said, well, you bring your body to the fellowship. And for some God knows reason, you're not putting alcohol in it anymore. He said but you have a mind that's going to take you back to that next drink if not treated through the recovery process of this program and then you take that awakened spirit out into the world and back into this program to be of service and one day that might become whole and that's what our circle and triangle means. He said do you know there's a set of twelve spiritual principles for each part of the program? And I said no. He said well there's twelve traditions for the fellowship and for us in our lives as individuals. We hear a sad thing sometimes in Southern California. I don't know if they say it out here, but sometimes I hear people say the traditions are to the group what the steps are to the individual. And they've just told me the new man, there's nothing in the steps for you as an individual. They're only for us. The group. My sponsor told me there's as many principles within the traditions to live your life with whenever you're dealing with more than one person as there are in the steps as there are in the concepts. And he said, those are the concepts of service. And I saw a three-part program for a three- part disease with 36 spiritual principles. And I found out more about AA the day he turned to that title page than I had in five and a half months. I've worked with people that have gone through that and have found out. It's interesting that a week later I was at a noon meeting in Denver in this church and they meet above the chapel. And in the chapel, chapel, looking through these windows into the chapel. There's these big, huge stained glass windows with circles, with triangles. And I went up to the minister and I said, do you know that's the AA symbol? And he said, yeah, we've had you here for about 20 years, but do you know that it's an ancient spiritual symbol that means body, mind, and spirit as one? And I thought, my God, that's the same thing my sponsor shared with me about our symbol. But I didn't know I had a three-part disease. And And I thought being powerless over alcohol meant that when I drink, I get in trouble. And I end up places I don't want to end up until I found out there's hard drinkers described in this book that I have known in my life that get in troubl behind booze. That end up in places and lose jobs and get in troubles and can be impaired physically and mentally and might even die a few years before their time who are about as much alcoholic as the man on the moon because all they need is a sufficient reason to stop and they can stay stopped as long as they want. And I didn't know that. Then I found out the only requirement for the fellowship, the only requirements to be a member might not be the only requirment to stay sober. This desire of mine. And I had one. There's a part of our book that says the most powerful desire is of absolutely no avail. And I went back to my life to answer that. And I found out my most powerful desire never lasted more than 28 days ever for 17 years. And all of a sudden, I found the only requirement for membership is not the only requirement for sobriety. An amazing thing started to happen. I like to look at the first step in three parts because I believe it's a three-part disease. And I think the book lays it out in three three parts. I think they tell us about our body and I think they tell us about our mind. And then I think they say we're not only bodily and mentally ill, but we are spiritually sick. And they talk about the unmanageability. Powerlessness for me is simple. And how I use this book to get to that is not use it as a set of answers. One of the most dangerous things for me because of the kind of ego I have, and I hear it all the time. It's when somebody held up this book and said, the answers are in the book. To me today, that's a half-truth. If they're saying there is an answer to alcoholism in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they're right. If they are saying to me that I should look in that book for the right answers, that does not work for me. Because if you have an alcoholic ego and you've never stolen anything physically in your life, maybe you've Never Stolen Anything. Maybe you have. But by nature, the alcoholic ego is a thief. And it takes a little from here and it takes little from this book and a little form this movie. My God, we take stuff from people we don't even like and try to put it in here and make it real. And that's what my drinking was all about. Take it from here and put it here and feel it for a minute and boom, it doesn't happen because it's not mine. The greatest thing I could share with you about how I've been taught and how I have used this book is to look at the book as a set of questions and directions on how to have a spiritual experience and take those questions and find the answers within yourself so you can fully concede to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic. It doesn't say we learned that we had to admit in our head that we were powerless over alcohol. This is the first step in recovery. It doesn'T say we learned that we have to figure out why we're alcoholic alcoholic, this is the first step in recovery. It doesn't say it's an admission that takes place here because some of us come here and we don't have enough to do anything with up here. It says that these people learned that you must fully concede to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic and this is The First Step in Recovery. And I found that those answers, if I can be given and the right questions take place here experientially and has nothing to do with knowledge. I had all the knowledge in the world about alcoholism. I had more than it was worth having. I had enough to be dangerous to everybody around me. I had too much knowledge. And I think the greatest analogy and one of the greatest pieces of freedom that comes in this program is when you start to learn the difference between knowledge and experience, between understanding somebody saying something the first time they say it and then experiencing it six years later and getting it. The difference between thinking it and getting it. The greatest analogy I've ever heard is the difference between what you thought it would be like to have an orgasm the day before you had one and what you knew it was like to have one the day after you had one. And I think that's what a spiritual experience is like. that long road between knowledge and experience so they started to pose the right questions and I started to lose the attachment I had to my drunk-a-log because when confronted with a basic question by some men who cared why do you think you're an alcoholic my god these men just didn't assume that because I was in the the room, I was in the right place. What a cop out that is to not spend any time with our new people that come to us. They have that question that we had in the back of our minds. What's wrong with me? Oh, if you're in the room you're in the right place. These men cared more than that because they had met people that were in these rooms that were not in the right place and I've met some since that I helped find out that they weren't alcoholic and watched them get free and and they thanked me. If you would have asked me two years ago, what's your goal and what do you really like to see happen with the people you work with? I would have said that my goal is that they do these steps and what I really like to see happening is their life change. And because of a series of experiences I've had in the last two years, if you were to ask me today, what's the goal with the People You Work With and what are you really like to See Happen? My goal is when I meet somebody, when I met one of these guys, one of these absolute crazy lunatic guys that I meet is to help them find out anything else they could possibly do except this and watch them get free on finding their own truth. Because I would love to find myself. I would like to find I would want to find anything else to be doing either in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or out of the program of Alcoholic Anonymous than to be in the middle of some amends that need to be cleaned up at 10 years of sobriety. But to this day, I haven't been able to come up with anything better. And I've worked with very few people. But when you look at it from that way, try to find a way out to try to found a way in. Maybe look at maybe you're not to find out you really are. You begin to experience spiritual paradoxes that make no intellectual sense. Thank God. Can some of you imagine going back to some of your favorite places or your favorite dope dealer or your favourite liquor salesman and saying to them, you know, I learned something in AA I want to share with you that's really going to help you with your life. If you really want to keep what you have, give it away. Right? That makes no sense to those people. But why is it most of us in this room absolutely understand in our hearts what it means to be able to keep whatever you have as you must give it a way? I mean, imagine me going back to the Michigan State Penitentiary and saying to some of those guys that I knew, listen, I found out something in AA I want to share with you that's really going to help you with the rest of your time here in the penitentiARY. If you really want to win, surrender, right? You don't do that in the Michigan state penitentiary. You don' t do that on the streets where I lived either. there. Imagine saying something to someone like me with all this knowledge, all that stuff they pump into you in treatment that we have to unlearn them. The old you can do it, you can do it. Our group takes a meeting to a treatment center. We were there a few months ago and you know what meeting they had just before our group? Relapse prevention techniques techniques that an alcoholic can employ in his life to prevent his own relapse. My God, if I could prevent my own relapsed, I wouldn't be in Omaha, Nebraska on a Friday morning. I would be out there preventing my own relapse, dealing with life, coping with my feelings and managing my life. And I wouldbe wonderful. But that just isn't the case. But how do you take a guy like me who time after time after time after time left treatment with a plan? Anybody here works in the field, you ever meet anybody like me? Don't do the aftercare plan with him because you actively involve a person like me in what he's going to do to keep himself sober. And we just absolutely love that until it doesn't work. Once again, the only time I ever left treatment without a plan was the last time. The only time I ever had to pay for treatment was the last time. That's ironic, right? I had a great Blue Cross Blue Shield card. Once a year, 30 days. I used it once a year for 30 days You go on summer vacation, I go to the care unit, right. Because where I end up every year since I was 17 after 11 months of drinking is in need of a place that will take me for 30 years. For 30 days, that's where I ended up until I was 24. and then I gave up on that and I went to a place where I knew they didn't have any. Further away you could go in the continental United States because I couldn't get a passport and I moved to Key West, Florida to die and I failed at that and I wasn't able to get a job and I couldn' t even pull that off. So you submit to a man like me. If you admit you have no power you receive more than you've ever had. It does not compute. But as long as you have any power and think you have a way, there is no other way. That does not compute until it computes, until I've drank enough, until I'd been beat by alcohol into a state of reasonableness where common sense becomes uncommon sense and I understand things that make no intellectual sense and alcohol did that for me. Because one day I understood when a man said when you no longer have a plan of what you're going to do you might have a chance of staying sober And if you can concede that you have no power, you might receive more than you've ever had. I understood and I began to experience it. But that to someone who still has a plan or has a way out or can just not drink no matter what, the most dangerous message in Alcoholics Anonymous nowadays. I don't know if they say it here either. I've never been to a meeting here until last night. Right. But when you when people say to someone like me, like they say in Southern California at some places that we just don't drink, no matter what you lead people to like me to believe that that's something I can do. Because some of you know better and some of them know better, and sometimes I should know better because what we should be saying for those of us that know better is that by the grace of God, I haven't had to take a drink no matter matter what, but that's not something I can do. If I could just not take a drink no matter what I wouldn't be here. I don't just have a living problem. There are plenty of places out there where one can go to get power to do what they want and live their life and manage how they feel and cope with life other than Alcoholics Anonymous. I can't keep myself sober and that's the basic admission that comes through a series of considerations and questions. I was taught ought to use the doctor's opinion as a set of questions. I thought, well, who in the world is this doctor anyway? 1935, more has been revealed. I mean, we know so much more. Who in the world is Dr. Silkworth? And an old guy that had been around since the original 100 members told me to why not consider that chapter by turning every statement I could into a question for me and looking for the answer within my experience. To answer a question experientially is totally It's totally different than answering a question in your head because I go back to my experience. Does my experience abundantly confirm that when I put alcohol in my system, something happens which makes it virtually impossible for me to stop? That's what my drinking is about. It's not about where it took me. And when these men sat down with me and asked me the basic fundamental question, why do you think you're an alcoholic? All I could dredge up was, well, I've been to treatment ten times. They said, wrong. A lot of stupid hard drinkers that get in trouble with booze go to treatment more than once that are about as much alcoholic as the man in the moon. And some of us have never been to treatment. What does that mean? We're not. I said, but, but. And I had nothing to grab on. Alcohol put me in the Michigan State Penitentiary when I was 19 years old. They said wait just a second. What did they put you in the state penitentiaries for when you were 19 years old? I said forgery. They said, then writing bad checks puts you in the Michigan State Penitentiary. And you know what? A lot of hard drinkers go to the penitentiaries behind booze that are about as much alcoholic as the man in the moon. And some of us have never been to the Penitentiary. What does that mean? We're not. And all of a sudden, I started to get what my ego had done. My ego was using the things that separate me from you to tell you why I'm one of you. And they said, you know, our preamble talks about sharing our experience, strength, and hope with each other that we can look at a common problem. What's the common problem that all Alkies suffer from? And all of a sudden, posed with two basic questions, I started to get in touch with something that I can sit in my living room with a 70-year-old little black lady from South Central L.A. who's never been to treatment, never been to the penitentiary, didn't come from a rich family, barely ever got in trouble, never had a DUI, never lost a husband. And this woman and I can sit in my moving room and talk about these two things these men started to talk to me about. And if we're both alky, all of a sudden, it's there. Because what these men started to tell me was about putting a bottle of alcohol right out here. And everything that stands between me and clearly seeing it is in the way. Smoke and doubt and confusion and knowledge and fear. Boom. All this stuff. And that maybe through this prayer by putting aside what I think I know and having some stuff removed by a series of questions that take a little piece at a time, well, do you think fear is going to keep you from it? Self-knowledge? Remembering it? Well, if you can't remember your last drink, you haven't probably had it. My God, there's men and women in this room that probably don't remember the last several months of their drinking. Boy, they must be really in trouble, huh? Right? right? I'm sober because I want to be. And I believe that my want has something to do with keeping me sober. Then I have power. I would not be open to these questions. And the two basic questions were, if you were to pop a top on that bottle and take a few, how long do you think it would be before you'd lose control over the amount? Can you consider two drinks a day for 30 days, no more, no less? I used to ask groups of kids when I worked with kids, would you rather be locked in a room with a little bit of something or nothing at all? And some of them would actually say, I'd rather be locked In a room With two beers than none at all, because at least I'd feel a little better. You ask an alky that? How would you like how would you Like to be locked In a Room for 30 days, No more, No less, just two shots of whiskey every day, no way of getting anymore. And an alchie will say, that would be hell. That would be torture because I don't just feel a little better after a couple. I might be able to take a breath. I might be able to even open my mouth to order the next drink. I might be able to look in that mirror or look at that guy next to me. But shortly after that breath, I'm going to order another drink. And shortly after that, I'm going going to order one that I didn't want to order. I think the Chinese put it best 2,000 years ago or something of what happens to an alcoholic. A man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink and then the drinks takes the man. I mean how much simpler could you have been and now we've added all this stuff to it. And I found that from the doctor's opinion to the top of page 23. They take me through Bill's story. Use it as a tool to look at the progression of your own disease and mark what you can relate to. Look at how he fought, how he felt, how he drank, how he thought, and how he gave up. Mark what you know and mark which you can relate to him. I've seen women go through that exercise and mark three-fourths of Bill's drunk alone. Use the rest of his story to get an idea of what it means to go to any length if this is what what you've decided you want to do. Because there is a basic decision that we hear at every meeting, they read how it works, that they ask us to make before we're ready. Have you decided you want what we have? And are you willing to go to any length to do that? And at seven and a half years sober, I was asked to consider that by reading each of the 12 steps one at a time and answering that question. Is this really at this point what I want to be? And am I willing to go to any length to do that?" There's another Another statement on page 76, I think, in around the eighth step that says, remember, it was agreed at the beginning that you would go to any length for victory over alcohol. Have I agreed to that? Is this what I want to do? To involve the ego from the very beginning, because if you don't think you're up against your ego when you start this process, you're mistaken. It is always the battle between ego and whatever else you want to call the other side. to involve the ego in this process by deciding on your own with the freedom that AA presents you that this is what you want to do and that you're willing to go to any length to do it somehow involves that in that and you find a lot less resistance in 4 through 9. And I did that by considering each of the 12 steps and then reading Bill's recovery where it outlines what's necessary to do to recover if this process is what you've decided. in. To use there as a solution, continuing to turn statements into questions and you get to the top of page 23. And like a good textbook, they summarize everything you should have seen that covered the one basic thing like a Good Textbook used to do. They give you examples, they give you little quizzes. And at the end of the little textbook on addition, they'd give you a quiz. And the quiz at the top of 23 is does my experience abundantly confirm that once I put alcohol into to my system, something happens which makes it virtually impossible for me to stop. Do I crave alcohol regardless of circumstance or emotional state? I met a guy out where I live one time not too long ago and he says, you know, he tried to use the big book on me. He obviously didn't know who he was talking to, but he tried To use the Big Book. And he said, You know, those people that that wrote the book realized they only knew a little more has been revealed. And now we I wanted to ask him who he thought we were, but I wanted to hear what he was going to say more. He said we in the 90s have found alcoholism is not a physical, mental and spiritual disease that no human power can relieve. I said, well, what have we found out in the 80s that alcoholism is? He said we have found out in the night is that alcohol is is a feeling disease based in shame. I knew I had him. I said, let me ask you a question. I said did you ever drink again when you didn't want to when you were full of shame feeling really bad? He said yeah, see? That's what he wanted me to see, right? Then I really knew I was wrong. I really know I had them because I said did you every drink again when you weren't full of any shame feeling king of the hill top of the mountain feeling great? He said yeah. I said did you never drink again when you weren't feeling much at all? He said, yeah. I said, did you ever drink again just to feel something? He said yeah. I said did you every drink again when you didn't want to not to feel? He said Yeah. I said then how... Why the hell does alcohol care about how you feel whether you drink it again or not? And I started to see the things that I used to base me being an alcoholic to you and myself on had nothing to do with it. That whether I was feeling bad, good and different, whether the team won or lost. Because see, that's what my ego wants to do with the first step when confronted with three basic questions. Why do you drink so much when you start? Why do You always drink again when You stop? And why do You think Your life is unmanageable? The function of my ego is to keep the problem and the blame and the reason for it on something out here. Why do YOU drink so mucho when You start to drink? Why did you do that last night? You only said you wanted to have a couple and there you were at the end of the night. You didn't even make it there and you broke her heart again. Why do you do this? Well, because she left me. Or because the team lost. Or because it was raining. Or because I didn't get the job. And then they break it down and they ask me, well, wouldn't you drink that way when she stayed? Or when the team won? Or when you got the job? And then my ego might at least submit to, well, because I was feeling bad and have low self-esteem. The biggest joke for an alcoholic like me to be conned into believing is that I suffer from low self esteem. Not that I have never had low self Esteem, but I have also probably had more esteem for myself than anyone in the world would ever even care to have for me. and drank and drank again. I heard George Cullen a few months ago on HBO and he said a couple things that caught my interest. He said, you know, we live in a society where we want to shield each other from death so I don't say anything to make you uncomfortable so you don't have to do it. You don't need to say anything to make me uncomfortable and we take words that used to offend people and we change them and make them longer so they aren't as offensive and he gave some examples like from World War I. Shell shock. Pretty graphic. Might offend somebody. So now after several wars, we've changed it to post-traumatic syndrome, right? And I thought to myself, my God, we do that in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Rather than say that so-and-so drank because he wouldn't want to scare any of the new people with alcohol, right. We use cute little terms like, he slipped. He slipped. He had a slip. It sounds nicer. He also says that we live in a society that actually believes if you change the name of the condition, you can change the condition. And he gave several examples. I can't remember one right now, but I thought, my God, we do that too in AA. Rather than admit to you that I have a threefold disease, body, mind and spirit that no human power can relieve because you see, my ego doesn't want to believe that. Maybe now in the 90s it's just low self-esteem coupled with obsessive compulsive behavior. Right. When we get to talk about inventory this afternoon, it was an amazing thing for a guy like me to find out when given a certain situation where I'm blaming so-and-so for me being angry and my ego tries to convince me is because I'm undeserving and don't deserve it. and I'm a rotten piece of you-know-what and it cons me into believing that I'm angry because I have low self-esteem, to find out the lie that I am really angry because I am a little bit too much esteem and nobody should treat me that way because I'm king of the hill is an amazing thing. Because if when she left me and I got angry, if it was really low self esteem at the core of my being, I wouldn't get angry. angry. I would just sit there like a lump and say, yeah, honey, bye-bye. But I get angry. I get angrier because of the part of me that stands between me and God. The part of me that doesn't need God. Part of me, that is God. A part of me that can keep myself sober. The part of me that can manage my life. So I'm taken through those basic propositions. And then I use 23 to to 43. And at the bottom of 43, they sum up everything about the mind. Why can't I seem to stay sober when I stop and I go through those questions? Is there a choice where me and alcohol are concerned? The last little vestitude of the ego wants to hold on to in most alcoholics like me. What do you mean I don't have a choice? I choose to be sober every day until you're taken back to your life and you see the number of times you chose rose not to drink and drank. And our book says, for reasons that they didn't even understand, most alcoholics have lost the power of choice. And then they sum it up at the bottom of 43. Do I believe that at a certain time there will be no effective mental defense against the first drink? And that my defense will neither come from you or any other human power. That it must come from a power greater than myself. So, and if in either of the...