The Power-Seeker Who Found Out He Had None – Clint H.

Thank you. My name is Clint Hodges. I'm an alcoholic. Is that alright? I guess it is, alright. Oh, we're at the Resurrection Lutheran Church here tonight. Man, if you're new, I'll bet that surprises you to be spending a Friday night here at Resurrection Lutheran Church. I was just thinking I'm glad to be here and I've had a wonderful evening so far I had dinner with some delightful people members of your group Susan picked me up at the airport and it's an AA evening And I think we're very fortunate to be here. I have, from the time I was maybe five years old, I began to live out my second and third choices in life. And it is finally, after all these years, that to live our first choices in my life much of the time has been quite a surprise and quite a wonderful thing. And I was thinking because I got here through the kindness of a bail bondsman who brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous, a guy that when I was poking around AlcoholicsAnonymous, he would bail me out. He would come and get me out of jail. And I didn't know him except on a business basis, But he was always kind of the guy that showed up to bail me out. I was living in Glendale, California at the time, and I was living in a little garage, I called it a garage, with three other guys. We each had a little room in this garage. It was not what I planned, and so if you're surprised to find yourself here at this church on a Friday night, I understand that. When that guy told me he was going to take me someplace, I I didn't even ask him where he was going to take me because I knew he knew that I was a drunk. And I thought we were going back to jail or to county hospital or to the fidget farm, maybe. They had a couple down there. They had in Glendale in the valley, they had a place, it was a drying out place run by a guy named Ron Shire. They called it Shire's Dryer. Kind of a spin-dry deal, you know, you go in and out of there. But I didn't ask him. I did not ask him because I knew that for me it was just more of the same. Why even bother to ask? My life, with all its ruined hours, has kind of deteriorated by that time into a sort of dead hopelessness in this little room I had. And incidentally, apparently it was not a garage. I thought it was a garage My wife, a couple of years ago, she said, I want to go by and see that garage you got sobered up in. And we went by there. She said, That is not a garbage. That is a shed. And I looked, and you know, never a car got in that place, I'll tell you. But it was cut up into four little rooms, and I had one of those little rooms kind of a condo deal. Eight by ten, and hot, God, it was hot in there in the summertime. Had a little light coming out of the ceiling on a cord and had a sticky linoleum floor, and the mattress on that steel cot was wet and had an old copy of Playboy magazine was there. And that was it. You know, that was my honey-I'm-home kind of a life. Oh, man. I had a radio. I had the radio, and the radio had a clock in it. And both were weird. The radio never shut off. I'd pull the plug out of the wall and you could still hear that music playing. You know, that smelled bad in there. And you could walk across the linoleum floor and your feet would stick to the floor. You'd go... Spilled wine and whatever on there. I woke up underneath that cot one morning and the clock said four. and I just was out of booze and out of money and out of hope and out of energy and I was the only thing I had going for me was a deep fear and I looked over in the corner and there was a rat sitting over there that rat just looking at me big guy and I was thinking about getting up on the bed on the cot But I was afraid I'd jar him into charging me, I guess. And we both knew he'd win. I just, he's looking at me. Just petrified. And I don't know what to do, so I just kind of hunkered down there, you know. And I hunker down there for about an hour and then I look at the clock and it's 4.07. And it was one of those nights. One of those night. And I hung on and I hung on and then the first light of day and I looked over in the corner again and in some way that rat had turned into a pair of socks laying over here in my corner. And I'd been held hostage by a pair of socks all night long. And so if you're new, I want to tell you something. If you're new, you may belong here and you may not, but if you had a radio that you couldn't turn off, Welcome home. If you are, I'll tell you where you are. You are in the midst of people who cannot quit drinking. And maybe you can quit. Maybe you can. Most of the people that drink and get into some kind of a problem with it can quit and they do not come to Alcoholics Anonymous. We are the ones that cannot quit. And some of us in this room have gone a long period of time without drinking. And for all the world, it would look like we have quit. But if we could have quit, we would have done that and we wouldn't be here tonight. I tried to quit I mean, I guess I could quit but it was so short the quitting part it just did it was quick the first time wasn't bad I lasted six weeks I told my wife I told the chaplain I was on active duty at Camp Pendleton and I told the base psychiatrist I'm going to quit he turned out to be a dermatologist but I told him anyway. I told the minister, I told everybody. I told too many people, that's what I did. Because it didn't last long. It lasted six weeks, it never lasted that long again and I was quitting forever because I always knew that if it ever got that bad, I would quit and if I made up my mind to quit, I would quite. And six weeks later, I was very drunk, very drunk. And I quit again in a year and it didn't last very long. And I could not quit again and I quit again and by the time I got living in that shed I was quitting every day. This is the last half pint I am going to need. But I had stopped telling anybody I am quitting. So if you are new and you decide to quit again don't tell anybody. Let it be your little secret. Because there's just too many explanations to make after we, if you're alcoholic, if you can quit, you ought to do that if it's a problem for you. But if you can't quit, welcome. Welcome. I mean, ifyou really can'tquit. You think you come into Alcoholics Anonymous and it's about quitting. It is not. Jimmy read the steps up here tonight and you'd think if it was about quitting it would have said step one quit knock it off god damn it so I I went up that bail bondsman took me to that club he took me to the Alamo Club in Glendale and I was around there for a couple of weeks And I liked it. I liked it. But I knew by now I couldn't it wasn't really I wasn't going to stay around there long. Not that I didn't like you but I knew that I would be gone and I figured six weeks and I was generous because it turned out to be three weeks even in a meeting every day three weeks and I'm drunk and I was drunk for two I came back up to that clubhouse on the morning after two weeks of drunk and the manager was gone there was another guy making coffee in there I don't know his name but I know he spent some time talking to me I came in there mid-morning on a hot hot day and he said how you doing I said I'm not doing so good he said what happened I said I let everybody down I got drunk got drunk and let everybody down he said asked me an interesting question he said are you alcoholic I said yeah I've been an alcoholic about a month now something like that he let that go he didn't go out he said well if you're alcoholic and you drank you didn't let us down he didn't really even surprise us in fact he said if you want to surprise us get a job that would surprise us but drinking no he said if you're alcoholic you're going to drink alcoholics do that and he said you're gonna drink no matter what and he says people around this clubhouse will tell you don't drink no matter what. And you will drink no mater what. And he's like nailing me. And he is being kind. You know, I mean, he is just giving me the simple dignity of the fact that he is not going after me. He is just telling me how it is. He is telling me how it was. How it is? And I knew he was right. I drink no matter what I look you right in the eye and tell you I'm not going to drink anymore and I drink I tell you I'm NOT going to drink anymore and I know where your purse is and I'm going to steal some money or write a bad check or do one of those things because I've got to drink I've GOT to drink I got stuck I learned the ugliest lesson I got STUCK I was a brand new second lieutenant in the United States Marine Corps station at Camp Pendleton and I was in the 11th Marines down there and they had a general's reception and all the new officers on the base put on their dress blues and went over to the general's quarters. And you got, I didn't know this, but you got one glass of wine. And they said one glass and I said okay great. I knew I'd get some more. One glass was it. That was it but you couldn't leave the reception for three hours and I had that glass of wine and then I did that next two hours and forty-six minutes. Crazy, just nuts. I couldn't wait to get out of there and I knew I'd never do that again the next time it was time for a general reception. I didn't drink until I got out of here. Because if I start I don't always plan to get drunk in fact I didn' t always get drunk but I got to where I didn't know if I was going to get drunk. And I was hung on to that one night on New Year's Eve that I didn' t drink at all. That was sort of like my passport into the normal world, I guess. They called me a drunk but my own inside notion no, you won' t remember this but New Year's Eve in 63, I think. I didn't drink at all. It's funny, isn't it? We draw these lines and we cross the line and we draw a new line. It's a colorful thing. It's like being in a prize fight. A guy described it one night, a prize flight. He said it's like I get into the ring and one corner is me and the other corner is the other fighter and his name is Alcohol. And I got my family and friends in chairs around the ring because I want them to see this wonderful contest. The arena is well lighted and there's an air of excitement and anticipation in it. And we're going to have this marvelous athletic bout. The first couple of rounds go fine. Third round he gets in a lucky punch. But I get back up again. And I know I can beat him. I know it can be him. In fact, he's such a gentleman. He said lucky punch. That's Anna. Yeah. The next round, he gets in another lucky punch and I'm crawling back at the end of the sixth round. I get back to the corner and the friends are gone. But my family says, we got to leave. Stop this fight. Let there be one more round. I come back atthe end ofthe seventh round. I haven't been up much. And my family's gone. And everybody's booing. They stopped the fight at the end of the 11th round. I've just seen the tops of that guy's shoes that whole round. And I leave in disgrace. And I know I'm never going back. I'm not going back because I can't win that fight. And I stayed away for six weeks. And I got to thinking. and I went back and that ring is still there and that other fighter is still here looking trim and healthy and well cared for and in great shape he's over there in the corner of the ring and he smiles and waves I stayed here to give you another chance I knew you'd be back you can beat me you bet I can beat you and I got in that ring again and I did that a lot I did that from the time I was 16 years old at a party after a football game where they gave me vodka I did that until I was 29 years old it started at a party and when the party was over I was living in that shed and the party was over and I didn't know how I would ever get off of that merry-go-round and now this guy is telling me you're going to drink. You are going to drinking. And I knew he was right. And I know what day it was because I never had another drink after that. It was the 14th of August in 66. And I didn't drink anymore. And I can't quit. And I never did quit. remember that guy Chuck he used to say if I'd have known that was my last drink I would have had two and you'd have another speaker tonight I'll tell you that that's how powerless we are I didn't quit it was removed and I think it's removed because we utter some horrible prayer if you're new I don't know what brought you here tonight. I'll bet a week ago you didn't plan to be here. You know, a strange set of circumstances and a strange group of people and contacts and ideas and all of that begin to come into our lives in some strange way. We make a turn in our despair and we say some prayer that is so angry and so profane it doesn't even feel like a prayer. Jesus, what's wrong with me? It's not a bad prayer. It's not a bad prayer. There were some documents, we were talking about it earlier, Susan and I, that came out of the Freedom of Information Act. During World War I there was an amphibious landing at a beach in Italy and it was an absolute disaster for the first four days. They could not secure that beach. Allied troops from Italy and from Canada and the United States and Great Britain and Australia stormed this beach in Italy. They couldn't get off the beach. They kept dying there at the water's edge, and they knew they were going to die. Four days, these guys are stacking up like cordwood at the edge of the water. And the guys that were coming off of those landing craft were just hiding behind the bodies and they knew they would die. And at some point during that hideous time they would pull out pieces of paper and a pencil and write a letter home to their wife or write a poem or a prayer. And they pulled a piece of paper out of somebody's hand when the graves registration detail came through. and this guy's prayer was my prayer, your prayer I don't know but he wrote this he said God come come now come yourself do not send your son this is no place for children and I don' t know why that touched me so much and I dont know what prayer I said that awful night of the 14th of August 1966 but I think I said a prayer a prayer to a God I didn't believe in a God that I had said no to long before because I was I got it that I was just toast that guy told me I was going to drink no matter what and I knew it and I never drank again and so I spent half my life here in Alcoholics Anonymous and I'll tell you something that surprises me and maybe it will surprise you it's getting sweeter all the time I love this life I love this life I have it's so strange because the beginning of my life was not one I liked I liked the first four years of it I mean that was great I was in love with my mother man I was just she'd come in and tuck me in at night and we'd say our prayers and we would whisper our little things to one another and we laugh and giggle I adored my mother and she told us one day that she was going to bring another baby home from the hospital and it's ok with me I knew my mom and I would take care of the new baby and she brought the baby home when all of her attention was taken up with that new baby. And I'm thinking, well, this won't last long, will it? It's an awful thing to know finally the penny drops and you think, God, they're going to keep that thing. Wow. And so I'd go in the little... They even had a room set aside for it with a crib. I'd be like, oh, my God. I'd come in there and encourage my little sister to move out. give her a thump on the head my mother came in there and caught me doing that she got scared and she threw me bodily out of that nursery and I hit the wall in the hall and I came down and I knew it was all over I knew I knew that she not only did not love me and loved it but she never had loved me that's what I knew old ideas are funny old ideas are weird boy it's just so strange this book that Wilson wrote called Alcoholics Anonymous says we got to let them go we have to let go of our old ideas many of us tried to hang on to them and the results were nil until we let go absolutely I was got very interested in old ideas a few years ago I have a friend that I've known for a long time in AlcoholicsAnonymous his name is Billy and Billy is one of these I don't know he and I just connect pretty good and I had known him when I was in Orange County and then he moved up to San Jose to take a job but he was back down in L.A. and we met and he came over to my house and we're talking and he's telling me what a wonderful life he's got how happy he is and how they are offering him a promotion at this place where he works He's gifted in computers and programming and all of that. And they're going to give him a car, and they're gonna give him a couple of assistants, and they are going to go out and deal with the clients in their own factories and businesses. And I said, God, when do you start? He said, oh, I can't take it. I said what do you mean you can't take it? He said well they want me to cut my hair. I said yeah. and you're telling me this because... Cut your hair. He said, they don't have any right to make me... I said, you're kidding me, of course. I used to think that meant a guy was hard of hearing and I'd start screaming at him, but I'm very patient and kind now. So I kind of moved on to something else, but I knew there was something there that was just amazing. And I got back to it after a while. I said come on, Billy, what's going on with the hair? What is that? He said, I just... And he started to think about it. They don't have... I said, stop. Just stop. Just quit it. And he said, oh, it's a long story. And I moved on and I came back to it and I said what's with the hair, Billy? And he told me something he had never told anybody. He told me that his ears were badly deformed and he had to have long hair. and it was a weird thing to hear but I moved on and I came back to it and I said Billy let me see those ears and he loves me and he trusts me and after a while he brought his hair back and it is amazing to look at his ears because they look like mine and I was like wow And I said, Billy, those aren't beauties, but they're not distorted. They're not freaky looking. And I had a mirror on the wall there in the den where we were talking and after a while he's kind of doing... I said look up, look in this mirror. And we got up there and he's looking in the mirror. And I'm looking in the mirror, and we're looking at our ears is what we're doing. Hey, it's a Sunday afternoon, you look in your mirror for your ears. And he finally said, yeah, but God, they're so big. I said, well, they are neither deformed or big is what it is. And I got out a little ruler. Now we're measuring our ears. But he had this idea. I said, that's an old idea for God's sake, Billy. Where'd that come from? Like any good alcoholic, he said, I don't know. I said well if you did know what would the answer be? And so we play with it for a while And I asked him, I said, how does it make you feel to think your ears are deformed? And he knew the answer to that one. He said, it makes me feel like a clown. I said oh. What do people do when they see a clown? He said they laugh. I said well I can see why you covered them up. You know if you really think that. And I can See why you wouldn't want to cut your hair and go out in the territory. Because who would do anything with you? Who would do business with a clown? He said, that's the problem. I said, I understand that problem. I really get that problem, but what if it isn't true? What if it's just an old idea? I said when did you first feel like a clown and he knew the answer to that one. he said God I was in the third grade and I was coming home from school I said how were you feeling he said I was feeling great where were you going I was going home what was going to happen well I'd run in the house my mother would give me a cookie she always gave me a turkey send me out to play and call me for dinner I said so what happened that made you live out your second and third and fourth choices and he said, I ran in that house and my mom's on the phone and she sees me come in and she's got a weird look on her face. The minute she sees it, the minute she says to me and she says to my aunt that she was talking to she said, Betty I've got to hang up now. Billy came in and little pictures have big ears and he never asked. He never asked and neither did I and neither did you because we grew up in homes where you don't ask. You don't ask. For whatever reason, you don' t ask. They asked me, where were you last night? I've got some questions I need to ask like, do you know where I was last night? Why are you asking me that? And I can't ask those questions so I can't answer their question. We don't ask and he never asked. He just, as soon as he could, he grew his hair long and covered up his ears and it was like that. And when he heard himself say that his mother had said little pictures have big ears he got the strangest look on his face and I began to laugh and he began to laughing and then we were both crying because we knew it was over. It's over. That old idea has seen the light of day and it's gone. And he cut his hair. It took him about a week. And he's over there in the Silicon Valley earning a good living. But that little exchange, which was a couple hours out of my life, it left me knowing how weird these old ideas are. It left me with some real information about my deal with my mother and how I hated her. Because I knew she had betrayed me. Because I know she never loved me. And I knew I couldn't trust her. And I lived with that. Because you know what a kid does with that? You don't love me? Great. I don't have to love you. I don' t love you either. I don''t love you." She'd try after that to get me to mow the lawn. She'd get me mowthe lawn. but she couldn't get me to clip around the sidewalk. I took a lot of beatings. I refused. I won't do that. I said, I hate you. And I didn't say that. I just got into such a terrible state and I'm 12 years old and she discovers a lump and I am 13 and we are back to Billings and now we are living in the basement of my grandma's house and my grandma has my mom upstairs in the bedroom and it seems like my grandma hates us all, but she has her little girl back. And we were not allowed up that year to see my mother. She wouldn't let us up there. And in the spring when I was 14, she opened the door to the cellar one morning, my grandma did, and said, your mother died last night. Are you going to go to school or not? And we went to school. and four days later I'm standing in the low rent part of the cemetery in Billings and they're putting my mother in the ground I didn't cry I don't love you but I stopped breathing deeply you know and two years later I'm at a party and they give me vodka and I yeah yeah yeah and it was like that except I dragged all my old ideas along you can't trust women when it's my old idea it doesn't seem like an old idea it just seems like that's the way that it is and I had all kinds and if I just limited it to my mother it would have been bad but every important woman in my life couldn't trust them it didn't have anything to do with them or reality but I just have it wired up funny I've got another old idea that is inconsistent with the first one I need to have the approval of a woman in order to find God whew that kind of leaves you twisting in the wind boy I'll tell you that can you imagine God So I'm stumbling around bumping into walls and I just need a drink all the time. Because women fascinate me and I'm afraid of them. And I don't know what I'm going to do. And I got into a lot of relationships and none of them lasted very long. I got married, had children, and I'd be gone and married. And we, you know, the interesting thing is we carry all of that into sobriety with us. And that's what the steps are about. Seems to me. I mean, on the 14th of August 1966, an amazing thing happened to me, God removed the obsession for me to drink. That's all it was. with that extraordinary, elegant power that's available here. He removed the obsession because I asked Him to in some words. I didn't know to say it that way. And for one other reason and that is because He loves me and you. I don't think we could stand ten minutes and knowing how much He loves us. And so, I've been given a gift. And it's a weird kind of gift because I have the rest of my life to become comfortable with the gift. Because I'm kind of stuck in sobriety. And I have another problem going for me and that is that I'm a power seeker. I want the power. And I found out when I was five years old that I don't have any power. I'm not big enough for this world. and right underneath that I know I should be big enough and right underneath that I know I got to keep you from finding out that I'm not big enough for this world and so maybe me and a lie is enough maybe me and the money in your purse is enough but I'm not big enough I need some power we're power seekers I think, you know, lack of power wouldn't be a dilemma if we weren't power seekers. We dig that power. There are some people here in, where are we? Pleasanton. No. Dublin. Is that right? If you take three steps, you're someplace else. I know that. I know. There are some people in this community that don't care much one way or the other about power. There are people like that, none of them in this room, but there are people who like that. But I want the power and I won't even come close to the knowledge that I don't have any power. and the booze seems like power and the pill seems like power. I love those amphetamines. Somebody's going, ooh. You can drink a little longer, can't you? My mom talked to us about faith and belief. I'll tell you, we think, I never thought I could have belief or faith of why, what would it... ...in the 15th and the 20th and the sixth month I expected something of booze and it only let me down after that but my expectancy my belief in it was so consistent couldn't believe it let me down must have been those ice cubes or whatever you know and I had faith in alcohol if you look that up Faith is a confident trust born of experience. I had that. You ever buy a bottle and you can't drink it right then and so you lock it up for later? And you feel better? Yeah, that's faith. You betcha. Get a prescription. Just a piece of paper. You put it in your pocket and you go... Whew! Damn! Whew! You leave in the doctor's office, you go down. Hi, how are you? Let me open that door for you. It's faith. We have a lot of faith. A lot of faithfulness. We have faith in our emotions, faith in ourselves, faith in other human beings. Not a particularly good place to have it. We're addicted to a drug called approval. And then we marry our dealer. Isn't that cute? And they tell you not to get involved emotionally your first year of sobriety. It doesn't say that in the book, but it's... We say that because we just are curious about if it works or not. None of us have ever really tried it. So give it a shot, let us know how it goes. Power, I want that power, boy. When I found that booze, I thought I had some power. I knew, I knew I didn't have it. And I knew not to tell anybody. And the power worked for a while, didn't it? And the pills worked for awhile because they took me to the power. Power was booze for me because I'm an alcoholic. And it ended in August 14 in 66. My relationship with chemical peace of mind was over. I gave up my right to chemical peace of mind, and now I come into Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm looking for the power. And the power seems to be like over there in West L.A., and I go over there and I get Plancy to be my sponsor, and that should get me part of the way home. And he's still my sponsor, and I love him like a rainbow. And he is a powerful guy. But he's not my power. I'm married to a woman that I am very much in love with. And she's not my power. And I thought the women surely would be. I thought that. Because if I could just put it back to where it was when I was a little kid, I'd be alright. I went to law school when I was five years sober. Somebody said, you ought to go to law school. I was selling carpets at the time. It seemed like a good idea to me. By the time I was nine years sober, I'd graduated. I'd passed the bar exam. I had a ticket to practice law in the state of California, which is colorful because they wouldn't give me a license to drive a car when I got here, so we're like making progress, right? But there isn't any power in it. Not really. It's just another set of people to report to. It's fun to do. I like it very much, and it's interesting the way to spend the day between meetings, but it's not... But I'm good at it. It's a funny thing. Looking back over these years, we sooner or later have to come home. We sooner or latter have to find the power that triangle with the circle around it stands for the legs are labeled unity and recovery and service and unity is like the group here and the closeness that we feel and service is anybody that's moving the message toward the new guy or making it possible for the place to happen or whatever We get a lot of relief out of service. Lots of relief. Thank God we need the relief. We get all the relief and we get a little bit of relief out of unity because we're kind of in a group of our people. Thank God. And then sooner or later we turn our attention to the steps of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the last thing we ever really wanted to do. They don't sound like it. They'll take you where you want to go, right? gee turn my will and my life I can hardly wait I grew up in the church of the air in Billings Montana and my uncle went down front and got saved one Sunday morning and I went wow they sent him to China to be a missionary man stay away from the front of that church jeez I got baptized one Sunday morning in the Yellowstone River one March just outside of Billings oh yeah I didn't find God I didn' t find anything for about three days as I recall Jesus whoo that water was cold and he doesn' t answer prayer and he does' n do any of that and i just set all that aside but i'm looking for power and now i'm sober and alcoholics anonymous and a huge problem comes up and the problem is that i have tasted the honey we're spiritual seekers we're a seeker is somebody that's been touched by god in such a way that nothing less will ever do again ever do it again and that's not all i'm too cool for that, I'll tell you. I don't think so. And I just stay away from it. I mean, what? What is that? Except I'm reading this book called Alcoholics Anonymous one day. And the most amazing thing happened. I'm looking at Wilson's experience in Winchester Cathedral. Now he He says, much moved, I wandered outside. That's all he said. And he gets hung up on the tombstone and the dog roll on it. But in a few pages after he's sober in Towns Hospital and he's had that white light experience, he comes back to that experience, my cathedral experience, he said, The meaning of my cathedral experienced was clear to me at last. And he said this, he says, for a brief moment I had needed and wanted God and was humbly willing to have him with me and he came but soon the sense of his presence was blotted out by the clamor of worldly things mostly those within myself and I'm thinking he had a cathedral God he said God's impact on him was sudden and profound man if I could have that and then I realized on the 14th of August 1966 I was a drunk and on the 15th of August I was not a drunk and that was because of God's grace and it seemed to me that his impact on me was sudden and profound that's a lot I didn't bring that about I can't even remember my prayer and it's happened to everybody in this room suddenly it's over his impact that's moving some you know that's movement right along that is elegant power and then I realized that I had a cathedral how many times have I sat in these meetings and listened to somebody share watch somebody take a chip or a cake knowing they can't stay sober I know that guy can't stay sober and he's taken a 60 day chip will you look at that I sat in a meeting one night in a 12 step house over in downtown Los Angeles. I don't even know how I got there. I was still living in the shed and somehow I had gotten down there to a meeting and the speaker touched me. I don' t know his name. And I wept that night. In this ratty old 12-step house I was humbly willing to have him with me and he came. But soon the sense of his presence is blotted out by the clamor of worldly things. and it happens like that but we taste the honey we sit in these meetings and without knowing quite what happens we are suddenly totally in the room in the roof and nothing matters except right there at that moment we're at peace we're not thinking about anything else we're just there and we have a vague sense how important that is and wonder after a couple of times if it'll ever happen again and when. And we go back to the meetings. And we've all had our cathedral experience. And Wilson knew it, and he said for a brief moment I was humbly willing to have him with me. And that's all that step two is about. That's it. To go back through these steps finally after some kind of a second surrender has been the most amazing experience of my life. To find a place, it steps... Well, it was that step two, really. Place inside me where God is. The great reality is deep within and the question is, is there a place inside me where I can go where God goes? Where God is? Where I can tap into that power? Turned out the answer is yes. He says, if we come close to him he will reveal himself to us and he does sometimes it requires some fearless searching I need that power bad enough I'll search I'll set aside my old ideas I will take a look at those spiritual terms and not let my prejudice deter me from asking myself what they honestly mean to me I'm a seeker because this life isn't the way I had been living it even after sobriety was not enough for me and it will not be enough for you I suspect because we're just like that because we look around us every seeker needs a master and a master is someone whose life gives living witness to the seeker that what the seezer seeks is real and you are my masters because I see your sobriete and I see in it that what I seek is real I know this I know that God is love. I've always known that. Never liked it much, but I've known that and I know that he works through people which didn't have much meaning to me until one day one funny day after I had said yes to a very strange thing I had in sobriety been with a woman who had a son not my son and we were dating and it was as if the universe handed me an envelope and said here's a lady and a little boy you want it no give me another envelope I don't want the kid really really this is your envelope you gonna say yes well I was under new management by that time so I said okay alright god damn it I don't want that kid. He's four years old. I left when my sons were four. I'll tell you why, because that's when the violence in our house started. That's when abuse started and I was so afraid I'd be an abusive parent and I didn't think all that through when I was drinking at the time but I got out of there and I don' t have any credibility with myself on this business of being a parent but I had done something by that time. I had gone through step three. I had taken a look at step four and done what they say to do in the book what do you think why would Wilson have us start with our resentments why do I list the people I resent because they look more powerful than I am isn't that interesting why would I list my fears because who am I afraid of I'm afraid of people that have more power even a guy on the street that comes up and asks me for a buck at that moment has the power to make me feel weird and he goes on my list what about that sex inventory what's the problem with it seems to me that the problem is power I try to get power out of a situation that is not a legitimate source of power and I have to take a look at that and that's the inventory in all the ways that I have illegitimately tried to obtain power in my life from people and places and institutions and the women and all the things I'm afraid of. And I tell all that to somebody else and I'm done with step five and I have an interesting thing. Now I've got this list of old ideas and now I've Got These Character Defects and now we're talking about now I got all this stuff going on for me and I don't want it anymore because it's caused a lot of trouble in sobriety and before. Do you really think if I make a list of those things and ask God to take them away, He'll do that? No, no. I first have to become willing. What does that mean? You look it up in the dictionary, it means gladly ready. Oh God, I thought it meant head to the gun. Gun to the head, am I? No. Gladly ready. And you get finally to that point because you're a seeker and I want to live the sweet life and I've tasted the honey and if this stuff is getting in the way, all right. I'm gladly ready to have it removed and he will do that all we have to do is humbly ask I had an interesting experience about the time I was doing that I was up in Northern California in Coloma over in Sacramento area and a woman from Reno is at the podium and she's talking about how she had when she was 10 years sober decided to get over her fear of heights and so she took skydiving lessons Joyce yes and I wouldn't have done it that way would you but her story was wonderful to me because she took the lessons and the day came she's supposed to solo out of this airplane with a parachute and it's coming over at 3500 feet in the drop zone is her husband and her kids and the women she sponsored and her ex-husband was there I don't know why he was there she came out of that airplane and the parachute was wrong and she hit the deck going a lot faster than she was supposed to go and in her words she said I spent the next 18 months of my life learning how to urinate again and I'm going wow that's pretty amazing and she's up there and she kind of got it, you know, that this is a healing person. And she said the months went by and her husband left but her ex-husband who was a member of AA came back into her life as a friend and he's in the hospital room one day and they're talking and he said finally, Joyce, why did you do that? She said, you mean the... He said, yeah, what was that about? She said Oh, I took skydiving lessons because I wanted to get over my fear of heights. and he started to laugh and she said, what are you laughing at? And he said, all you had to do was humbly ask. I'm going, Jesus Christ. Isn't that amazing? I mean, we've tapped into some power here. And so somewhere along the line I've got this little boy in my life. I did not intend to fall in love with that kid and I did. I don't know when I noticed that he loved me, but he did. And he and his mom have moved back into the Midwest now and they're not in my life anymore. But there was something so sweet about that. So sweet about kneeling down beside a young kid and listening to their prayers at night. Listening to him thank God that he's at the top of the food chain. Isn't that amazing that they do that? Jesus. one night one day we came into Oakland and got the rental car just the two of us and drove up farther north to go to some meeting up there just he and I and in the rental car I said Daniel I love you man and I love traveling with you you're such a good traveler he said thank you the way they do I said well I mean it you know and I liked it too when that kid from across the aisle came over and asked you if you wanted to go in the back and play in the Back of the Airplane? I'm glad you didn't do that. He said, well, I didn't know the guy that well. And I said, well, yeah, but I also think he wanted to come over and I also thought he wanted to go back there and just get into some trouble. And Daniel's sitting over here and he looks at me and he says, we don't know that about him. No. Jesus. Shut up, kid. You've been talking to your mother too much. She's into that tolerance stuff. I learned so much from him. And one of the things I learned from him is that he loved me with a burning purity of spirit. There was nothing on it. And I realized one day, the most amazing thing, that God was loving me through that kid. And then I realized that God's loving that kid through me. I don't have to do much except be respectful and attend him and be there for him but God would love him through me if I can stand to have that happen because he's love and he works through people and why not and now something's cooking in my life and I get on the road for step nine and I kneel at a grave in Roanoke and I fly to Portland and sit down with my brother. And I go to Denver and I sit down with my sister. People that have been out of my life for a long time, I was mad at my sister because she married a black man and I thought she had done that just to make my father angry because he came from Alabama. And it did do that. He never spoke her name out loud again but I found out when I went over there to make amends to her and to her husband they had done something so remarkable they had been married long enough to raise six kids three of them were black two of them wore white and they had one together and one of them was a cop and one was an accountant and one a nurse and one retarded but supporting herself working in a department store one of em taught english in a Tokyo high school to Japanese kids these are extraordinary kids She had raised a family of contributors. And I flew out of Denver with a new hero. I mean, this sister of mine, this goofy little sister of my is something. And so are her children and so is her husband. Deputy Director of Manpower for the state of Colorado and I'm like dismissing him. I had to go to Daniel's father and make amends to him. And I had do the thing I was never going to do. I had to fly to Billings. I didn't want to do that. I didn' t want to go to that cemetery. I didn''t want to. I don' t know what will happen to me there. And I didn ''t go and they asked me to go to BillINGS to talk and I was too busy and then I went through this experience and they ask me again and now I am under new management and I go. And I got off the plane in Billings and an Al-Anon friend of mine was there happened to be speaking at the same thing and she asked me going out the cemetery I said how do you know about that she said I know I said yeah I'm gonna go today plants he told me to write a letter to my mom I had a letter she said i got something for you to take out there I said what and she brought a shopping bag out and she had in it a liter of water and some flower seeds she had in it a pair of clippers and some Kleenex and some paper towels. And a guy drove me out to the cemetery, and we dropped around out there, and I'm, I don't know, it's like going into the cave where the witch is in some way. My grandmother and my mother are buried there. And I finally found my mother's grave. Little head, little stone covered with grass. And I knelt down there and I took out those clippers and dug a little hole and stuck that letter in there, and I began to clip around the headstone and I began to cry. That's the thing she could never make me do. I'm sitting there clipping around that because I want to be free. If you get relief from unity and relief from service. For recovery, you get freedom. Whatever, whatever. Let me clip around here. You got it. I got up to leave. I found my grandma's grave and I saluted her. She never wavered, not once. And I went back to my mom's grave. And then I knelt down there. I thought my tears were over and they were not. And I got up to go get in the car. There was a guy waiting for me and I turned back around and I knelt at that grave and I began to talk to my mom and talked to her and listened and prayed. And I'd get up to going and the guy would see me coming and he'd start the car and I'd turn around and go back and he turned the car off. But I finally got out of there that day. Went back the next day and then I came home I knew I could trust her I knew she loved me and it had been 40 years in the desert and I love my mom and she loves me and I can trust her I love my wife. And if I live my life right, God loves her through me. That's the sweet deal because he loves me through her. We're sitting at dinner tonight and I'm looking around the table at the beautiful, dignified, lovely women of Alcoholics Anonymous That seemed so sweet to me, and I was so much at peace with that. Martin and I are sitting there like, man, isn't this something? It's been so many years and it seems so long a distance, and it isn't. We've just come back home. We've come back on. And so if you're new here, AA is kind of a weird place at first. you know it's kind of like where would you stand up and talk like this to a group of people but we do that here we love you there's a lot of healing in that it's not your healing it's ours that's why we're glad you're here you know we heal up with that but if you stick around then somebody newer than you will come and sit by you and you'll find yourself loving that person and your healing will begin. And for 62 years now, we've been calling that Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you.