The Power of a Program That Works for Atheists – Howard P.

About This Speaker Tape

A childhood spent as a "beggar and a pleader" under a German disciplinarian father left Howard P. with a lifelong void. He filled it with whiskey, amphetamines, and a series of "baby elephant beliefs"—limiting convictions that kept him chained to a cycle of wreckage.

His life became a juggling act of spinning plates; he spent his days in a state of low-grade alert, terrified that the plates would wobble and crash. Between stealing government equipment and losing control of his bowels in a drunken stupor, Howard found himself an atheist in a program that preached a Higher Power. He didn't find a traditional deity, but he found a way out through the gritty reality of the steps.

By buying back stolen gear and admitting he was a thief, he felt the weight of the world lift. He learned that while he must do the footwork, he doesn't have to be anxious about the results. He stopped fighting the chain and let the plates fall.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Laughter: Howard jokes about fabricating Big Book page numbers to sound like an authority.
• 4:10 Howard discusses his childhood with a disciplinarian father and the resulting lack of self-worth.
• 8:20 Mention of the 'phenomenon of craving' and the stages of the spree (Big Book reference).
• 11:15 Laughter: The story of the bowel accident and the subsequent move to twin beds.
• 16:40 Howard describes his 'baby elephant beliefs' and his struggle with atheism in the program.
• 21:10 The first meeting in Culver City and the welcoming nature of the fellowship.
• 26:30 Discussion of the 'spinning plates' metaphor and the role of anxiety in life management.
• 30:15 Step 9: The process of tracking down and paying for stolen government equipment.
• 34:50 The 'Law of Probable Disposal' and a moment of rage involving a lawnmower.
• 38:20 A turning point: coming to believe in the power of the program over a traditional Higher Power.
• 42:10 An emotional exchange with his wife regarding his lack of help around the house.
• 46:00 Final reflections on meditation and finding his 'window' to the Higher Power.