The Point of Total Surrender – Don P.

Let's say the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serENITY to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you. I give you our good friend, Don P. My name is Don, and I'm an alcoholic. and I'm a recovered alcoholic I do not suffer from any of the symptoms of alcoholism the main one of course being the physical allergy to alcohol that causes me to want another drink as soon as I take one well I don't drink so I don' t worry about that one and it's the mental obsession that causes me to take that drink whether I want to or not. And God has been very kind to me. I don't see alcohol. It has to be drawn to my attention, which makes me extremely vulnerable. Maybe if I talked this way, it would be better. Indulge me, please. I'm working on part of a lung. I did not know I was alcoholic when I got here. I was certified by one government agency as a sociopath type 2. I'm still not sure what it is, but I can tell you it ain't good. My federal parole officer said I was a psychopath. And the medical people said I Was a manic-depressive drug addict. I was hiding my alcoholism behind some real drama, man. You can get by two, maybe even three of them, but not all of them. my favorite was manic depressive and please understand that's a very real condition my son had it for me it was the game I learned real early on that if you want people to stay away from you throw them a mood swinger to you it works every time You have to get really good at it. Because if you do it too often, they'll lock you in and try to fix it. Then you've got a whole new game to deal with. If you don't do it well enough, they invite you to parties or the stand-up comic. That's what I'm trying to avoid anyway. God uses what's at hand. Always. He will not mess my life up to make yours better. Get over it. But he is what's at hand. I came to the end of my road Christmas night in 1967. The end of the road was very simple. I spent a week doing the most thorough inventory I've ever done in my life, Meaning it was honest. I looked at who I was and realized I had become completely useless. Great place to be. Doesn't feel good. If you're in AA so you can feel better, go somewhere else. Really. Really. But what it did was bring me to that point of total surrender. See, as long as I can be useful, I can stay here. When I become useless, I've got to go. Had two little boys that had been on the road with me. little emotional part of me. For four and a half years, they went through the different arrests. They went through everything with me. They'd have been better off in a foster home and I knew it. The upshot was that I took a two-month supply of methamphetamine hydrochloride, good stuff, right out of the drugstore, and shot it up my arm, drank everything in the house and we done died. What a bitch it was in the morning. I woke up and what I woke up to was a simple thing. I'm a complete failure at living, and a complete failure at dying. What a bitch! I'm in a body that won't quit, and with a mind that won't work. And the police are at the door. Now there's your first clue that I ain't dead. Well, they don't need them in either of the places I was taught you were going and I couldn't have verbalized it then but the attitude was very simple my being was I'm willing to go anywhere anyone says do anything anyone says if I don't have to be him anymore and I haven't been I came to A fully awake. No idea what to do with it, just fully awake Now I get most of my lessons from my grandchildren And I was thinking the other day My little granddaughter Gianna When the babies are restless they give them to me Because I know what to deal with babies lay them on your chest and hum pretty soon they go to sleep for God's sake don't yell at them can you imagine that crying baby and you yell at him just shut him up somebody will hit you in the head with a stick but she was I hung her on to sleep and And I was looking at her and I thought, you know, this is, it would be, I can't imagine coming back into the room, waking that baby up, and then leaving the room. what a terrible thing so because God used whatever is at hand oh I'm sorry fly me to the moon they had nine charges on me and the first one called for three years to life in the penitentiary I've been in three of them which doesn't mean anything because that's not that's a good deal better? well you missed all the good stuff sorry we plea bargained that one they took me in a room with my attorney and the federal people because I still owed them five years and they were kind of anxious to have me back and said if I would plead guilty to a reduced charge they had available uh she got out in a group two hours from here and a charge available that they would give me a one and a half to three year sentence and the other option was to go back to the feds for five years and i'm not stupid So I took the deal. Now, the federal officer that negotiated this changed his mind at the last minute. He'd been in touch with a hospital and on paper I'm untreatable. A sociopath doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. How are you going to help him? or a psychopath. A sociopath does, they just don't give a damn. And I'm both. So they said, just lock him up so he doesn't hurt anybody else. And so he, they did the deal for me. I was really worried about my social security because what they did was let me plead to guilty I'm in charge and I'm the only one in the state that ever pled that way, which I find interesting. And I thought I was going to Texas where they could fix what was wrong with me. So in five days, I'm supposed to be in a federal hospital in Fort Worth, Texas, getting fixed. The federal man at the last minute changed his mind. He said, we can't do anything for this one, just lock him up. So I was taken five days later to the fish tank in the Colorado State Penitentiary. Great place, built in 1894, made out of rock quarried from the great place. Fish tank, if you don't know, that's where they spend four to six weeks teaching you how to live in this community because if you do not learn that quick, you are in trouble. They thump you and bump you and decide where they are going to put you to work and all that. In our third week, three convicts came over to talk to us. I knew they were convicts because they had green clothes with numbers on them. Ugly. Except for Bruce. Bruce was kind of cute, he really was. But an old crusty old bastard named Doc got to the podium first. And he said this, My name's Doc and I am an alcoholic. And that means that I'm powerless over alcohol and drugs and guards and all of the other circumstances in my life. And if any of you smart bastards think you can still manage your lives, look at the reward the state just gave you for the nifty job you've been doing. Well, I'm going to just argue with you. He said, your very best thinking got you the penitentiary. You're not doing too good, are you? well no then he gave the promise we can show you a new way of thinking we can show you how to learn to live a life that will make sense to you my life had never made sense to anybody because I was trying to make it sense to you. And one quick look and you'd say, that don't make sense. From the time I was little people would come to me and say, why did you do that? And early on I told them the truth, not very long, but I told, I don't know. They said, well you must know, you did it. Okay. They told us a number of things that day. The main one was that they invited us to what they called a 12-step study school. You were not allowed to attend the AA meeting until you completed the step work. You weren't fit. They brought real people in from the outside. And my soul partner and I, Jim, didn't have a hell of a lot to do anyway. And Jim was one of those guys that one of the first emotions that returned to me was compassion. I didn't know what it was, but I knew why I was there. Jim didn't know. He had done what you and I have all been terrified of, in a car, drunk, in a blackout. He killed people. So what the hell, let's go. I'd been to N.A. in the federal penitentiary and didn't hear a damn thing because I'm not a drug addict. I, too, loved speed. when treatment came out with that drug of choice that's mine the drug I don't have any choice over at all is alcohol so I'm very blessed because when I got here the entire focus of the AA was recovery from alcoholism which if you think about it brings about sobriety all by itself Unfortunately, I'm a little concerned about AA today. The focus is shifting to sobriety and don't drink. We're told at the very beginning that's something we can't do, so why spend any time with it? Techniques and styles, charts and graphs, questionnaires, well, God help us. But I was spiritually awake, which meant I began to see things spiritually. One of the mistakes I had made most of my life is that I thought I was a human being trying to have a spiritual experience. And I had lots of them. I'm a spiritual being having a human experience what is that for you? bring it on I'm not going to outlive it anyway so bring it on but I was the three guys that were working with me there were three of them Bruce and Phil and Roy completely different personalities, but the message was identical. Bruce was doing a naturalized sentence for a double murder he'd committed at a shootout in downtown Denver. The man telling me the story could not do that, and I could see that. And I asked him about it. I've been taught to ask questions. He said, that's right, I've been changed. God changed me. And the only reason I stayed in the A was to be changed. I didn't know I needed to be sober. I was five and a half months sober when I got here. How much more sober am I going to get? God changed me. I didn't care who changed me. He'd been changed Roy was I smuggled some stuff across the border to use my kids it's a terrible story but y'all have one as my cover and the guy that hired me for the job turned us all in so when you play with snakes you get bit And that was so reprehensible of what I did. I'd rather die. Now, I understand the kids are now on the road for four and a half years. And everybody has an ace in the hole. You got one? Mother, father, aunt, uncle, friend. and crash on my couch for a few days, rest up, fatten up. And then my dad was our ace in the hole. He had a carriage house and the kids and I lived in it. And I'd just come off a hard road trip. And we were staying there and I decided it's time for me to put my life back together because all I've ever wanted to be was a good father and a good son. so busy put my life back together and albert called from albuquerque said we got a problem we got 30 kilos of really good grass up as far as where is and our driver got arrested on a traffic charge let's land a motel we need somebody to bring it across will you do it Well, I'm trying to get my life together, so I said, of course. I didn't do it for money. At that time, it was $200 a key. That's chump change. I did it for prestige. I was the only one in the entire United States this little syndicate could think of could pull this off. I'm going to go into old Mexico and rescue the goods. I take great... I get tickled because you know who the president of Mexico is now? A man named Fox. That's Zorro. Zorro's finally running the show. Anyway. So that piece was laying there, and God used what's ever in hand. Bruce was incapable of committing that act again, and that's why I wanted him. Roy Nichols was a bank robber, or well not really a bank, he was a robber. He wasn't very good, but Roy's big kick was robbing supermarkets. He really liked the thrill of going from station to station to station because every minute you're in there, you're in higher danger. What he really liked is when they put a gun to your head and watch your face. Didn't do it for the money. So I began to identify with him. He was not capable of doing that anymore. And I asked him about it and he said, That's right, I've been changed and God changed me. They didn't say A changed me, they didn't see my sponsor change me, they didn'y even see the big book change me. God changed. Roy was an interesting case because we, by the way, went through the 12-step study school in five weeks. In the sixth week, I was given a new group. And with my sponsor's help, it was now my turn. And every now and then, Roy would get pissed at the group. Did you ever get pissed that your group just couldn't stand it anymore? And he disappeared for two or three weeks. And went back to cell house seven and hid out. And, of course, when he came out, I said, what have you been doing? He said, well, I was completely off base and I've been writing inventory so I can get clear. Now I can come back. Phil Gutierrez. God, I love Phil. He had 13 kids. Obviously he wasn't drunk all the time, but Phil was a very dangerous human being. He came from Guam when he was 17 because they couldn't handle him anymore and he had family here so they sent him here. And a few years later, they wanted to send him back to Guam and Guam wouldn't take him so they put him in our penitentiary because it seems the last time he got drunk he threw three people out of a three-story window. I lived in cell B4, nine right meaning B block, four story up, nine still down on the right side. And this is a guy who throws people out of windows. And he came to me one day with a smile on his face. Now, I don't know if you've seen Oriental Smile, but this is the captain of the pirate ship. He said, I've been thinking. I've Been Here Seven Years, and you're the first person I've sponsored. You will stay sober. as you wish Phil taught me about love starts right there touch which is rescued at penitentiary but nobody ever questioned Phil's touching or his love These were my mentors. I don't find the word sponsor in the big book. I do find the word protege, which well defines...there's two places that define sponsorship or it describes it without defining it. If you're serious about this, it says we suggest you find somebody somebody who can show you precisely how to recover. We call that sponsorship now, and that's good. Sponsorship is so important that I don't want to demean it in any way, but it's gotten skewed. Sponsorships are the act of taking someone through a proven process that will awaken them to the Spirit within. That's the only thing that's going to save your ass. I can't. Nobody else can. But the Spirit will and does. So how do I tap into that? I'm asked to do the one thing I'm incapable of doing. Get honest. Anyway, that put me on a track of some things spiritually. We're healers. We're storytellers. We're not smart. If we were smart, we wouldn't be here. I'm watching Law and Order. I don't even know what it is, but it doesn't sound nice to me. I like to watch Evan Costello. So I look at the great healers. She's one. My wife was... a nurse in a research unit where many of her babies died. So I watched her. She'd pick those babies up and pat them, that's all she did, and say, you're in the right place. You're going to be all right. That's what we're supposed to do when the new people come in, you know. We take them by the hand and we touch them. Then I looked at the great master and what it was that he actually did. Well, he was kind of a traveler. Spent a lot of time on donkeys and on dirt roads. He'd come upon some guy who was crippled, blind, had running sores and sitting by the side of the road dying. Now this guy thought he was alone because he was cripple and blind and had running sore. the master knew better. He was crippled and blind and had running sores because he thought he was alone. So, the first thing the master did was say, You cannot be alone once that happens. You don't have to like it, but you're no longer alone. Then he'd give them this. You don't have to do this anymore, you know. Sound a little familiar? And because he had the understanding that I am you and you are me then he would say to them would you like to get up? Not everybody wants to get up. And if the man said well, yeah he'd say alright I'll be real still because I'm going to give you the magic get up. And he said it with such conviction that it was believable. Blew the lines right out the window. So my task since I got to AA was to be believable I am an alcoholic. I know exactly what that means. I know I'm completely powerless over everything, particularly this thing. In fact, Janice, some night when you've got nothing but law and order and it's a repeat, just tie yourself in your chair and let her run. Make sure you're tied down tight. So if I come and look you in the eye and tell you that you don't ever have to drink again, You don't, and I can say that with certainty because I haven't. And I'm incapable of not drinking, but I haven�t. And if you'd like to learn how that occurs, I'll show you. I'm no good as a relationship counselor. Well, I've never been able to figure out how to have a successful sick relationship. We didn't spend a whole hell of a lot of time worrying about not drinking and sobriety. We just didn't. We spent most of our time not learning new stuff, but getting rid of the old stuff so it isn't in the way. You got a busy mind? Shut it off. The only way I know to deal with issues is to create brand new issues. I'm tired. So I'm no good at that. If you come to me and ask me as your sponsor, which job should I take? the first one that's going to give you money, for God's sake. You're never going to be CEO of General Motors, but you might make a good dishwasher. I don't know. Just take the damn job. Early on, Bruce said, Are you tired of getting busted? Quit going where there's cops. Oh! Pardon me, it takes a little time to catch up now and then. He said, would you like some money? Of course. Get a job. and once you've got it you might even think about showing up for it now and while you're there you might want to do some work and at the end of a prescribed period they decide they'll just give you money it'll never be enough but it will always be enough so I don't have any money problems I married a rich woman Yeah. Rich beyond belief. One of my heroes is Mickey. He's getting in trouble now and then. When he went to the guidebook, I said, when you're screwed up, go find somebody more screwed up. See if you can help them. And sometimes the best help I can give you is to tell you how screwed up I am. Then you'll feel better. Then maybe we can do something. He'd go down to detox. Talk to drugs. my real hero in that family is Marie she puts up with this shit one last thing and then I want to turn it over to my two dear friends God uses what's at hand and you taught me absolute honesty is absolute what does absolute mean? means absolute. What does thoroughly mean? Thoroughly. And so when I came out, I was supposed to go back to Texas and the same parole officer changed his mind. Went to the federal judge and said, he's been in AA for a year and a half. Let's put him on the street and watch him for six days. We'll know when he's going to make it. So they did. Now, it was a Memorial Day weekend. I had $17 in that suit they gave you with the flashing sign on the back that said, Just Out. And after the feds processed me, they turned me over to the state. and this was an old six foot six former narcotics cop I was the acquaintance of his so I'm not a drug addict but I was a pretty good dealer back in the days when you gave all this acid away I hope nobody put it in the reservoir and his words to me was you will report to me every night after work which means get a job by tomorrow or back you go not a hell of a lot to interpret or to process get a damn job so I knew I could work at Burgundy King out in Aurora and understand I truly do live by the Spirit, and the promptings of the Spirit. Never been wrong yet. And I'm in pretty good shape spiritually. Got to the bus stop and the bus had a new sign on it. Carry, have exact fare, drivers carry no change. Couldn't get on the bus. But on my way, out of the jail one of the guys I did time with gave me a little note he said if you need work just go see this guy so I can't get on this bus and he's only three blocks away Minuteman Daily Labor Service he didn't say get a job with General Motors he said get a Job so I walked on down there and total absolute honesty is it's a trip you're at risk every time you do it walked into jack's little place of businesses i said jack my name is john pritz and uh i just got out of the penitentiary i'm an alcoholic and i've also had a little drug problem but i I need a job. He said, you're just what I've been looking for. Well, in my position, I'll take anything he's got. He's got things to fill. So, he got me on a hotel room and changed out of that ugly suit into some jeans and God uses what's at hand. We went down to Dixon Paper Company, and Dixon said, well, we don't hire ex-cons. It doesn't bother me. I'm not an ex-con. I'm a man, and I've been to prison. There's a difference. But we can't start him until tomorrow. If you work on your payroll, we can start him. So we went back down, And Jack was a little nervous. He said, I've got one more opening. If you want to work today, you can. This is about 11. And this young kid with a bandage on his arm, he and I went out to Abbott Laboratories. Abbott makes the stuff I like the very best. So I'm spending the afternoon unloading boxcars or trailers into the man did I work hard. and made the discovery that it's gone. It's just gone. Didn't want it. I worked so hard, they offered me a full-time job and I had enough sense to say, no, I don't think so. So I went back to Dickson Paper the next day and unloading boxcars of paper and I checked in at York Street because that's where he told me to go. Don't miss York Street. It's the best reason in the world to stay sober. So, I was able to kind of help some of the other guys get some jobs and a guy named Al who was about six weeks sober he and I went to work unloading boxcars this was in June or July hot and he looked in the boxcar where I was loading stuff out and he said do me a favor climb down here and look down the tracks and tell me what you see big, ugly molting parrot walking toward us I said, I see an ugly parrot, Al. He said, thank God, I thought I was 17 years old. He said you know we've got to catch it because we're going to tell this story at York Street and we don't have the bird. So Al got him a parrot and I had some fun. A couple months later, they called me in and offered me a job on the docks working for them. Apparently, they hired men who had been to prison. Well, that meant I had to fill out an application. They want your last 10 years' work history? Let's see, 1966, drug smuggler. so well that's what I did for a living and they never read them anyway they just went ahead and hired me and a couple months after that the dispatcher called me in and he had my application and he was handing a funny look on his face he said did you really do that I said yeah and I did he said did you get it across I said yeah I did he said well I've been thinking we have this little delivery truck that delivers paper to the print houses in downtown Denver then goes out east on Copax and delivers sacks it seems to me you have the necessary skills to get things from here there under difficult circumstances. So I got that job, which set me up for being able to make very important amends that I don't have time to talk about but it was very important. a real job driving a truck. So whatever, just be honest, tell the truth. That guy decided one of the cars was going to fall. I'm about to run out of steam. And I don't want to keep my steam in the car, so I'm going to have to do something different. Knowing that I would not have the stamina. And knowing also that while you're all lovely and love me and brought me here for that, I'm only the messenger. It isn't about me. So I got two big guns, one out of Seattle and one out of Manhattan, Kansas. And know this, I loved you. And one of my old mentors described that for me. Love is the active concern for the welfare and the growth of that which you love. So I love you. I know it's scary. So I was looking at, of course I'm looking my life over because it's short. What's my legacy? Because of the presence of God and whatever He's given me, I've been able to open a lot of people up where they could love me. That means they're now open to love. there go. Active concern for the welfare and the growth of that which you love. So it is. Oh, Wes Parrish. God, he was ugly. Man. So this lunatic showed up in my life 14 years sober going stark raving mad because he'd been in AA too long and had no clue as to what that meant. And I watched him wake up. And I would like you to hear.