The Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization of the South Bronx – Francine W.

Hi, my name is Francine. I'm an alcoholic. And I've got tears in my eyes. But let me warn you, that happens a lot. So for anyone who has a problem with emotions or seeing people cry, especially women, you might want to excuse yourself. Because day at a time, I've learned how to cry in this program. And unfortunately, you taught me how to do it, and now I don't know how to cut it off. So I usually have a whole lot more tissues up here, but I have a fear. It is a privilege to be here with you this afternoon. And as I look out here, I can't believe this is a 3 o'clock in the afternoon meeting. I mean, this is huge. This is what some conventions have as a banquet meeting. You know, there are a lot of people in this room. And my heart's fluttering a little. Let me just tell you that. But I am so thrilled and I feel so honored that you guys have invited me to be with you. You know every time someone invites me somewhere Even still, at this stage of my recovery, there's a special thing that happens inside. And part of it, I guess, is still that I'm so surprised when people call me up and say, Francine, will you join us? Because, you see, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous over 13 years ago, I thought I was too sick and I thought my bottom was much too low to come in here. I never thought anybody would want to be near me, let alone hear me speak. and today people invite me a lot and I guess that really is a gift of what you've given me it's a gift of alcoholics and I thank you for that I thank the committee everyone that was on it that had anything to do with my being here today I I did have an opportunity to go out to what is it the Daisy Marquis rehab facility and it was the bright spot of my day thus far. I had an opportunity to spend some time with women who are a lot like I was when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and that's one of the reasons I never say no when given the opportunity to show up for myself which is what it was first off but secondly to show for anyone in particular women in particular. I sometimes like to say that my story is a woman's story But, you know, as I travel, there are far too many men that come up to me with tears in their eyes. They say, thank you. And so I've come to realize that my story is truly just a human story. It's a story of hope. It's the story of courage. It's story of recovery. Story of willingness and open-mindedness. And those things you gave to me because I truly didn't come into Alcoholics Anonymous with any of those traits. But today I stand before you a living example. A walking, talking miracle. An example of what Alcoholics Anonymous can do for you in your life, but more than that, I stand Before You this afternoon as an example of What AlcoholicsAnonymous Can Show You How To Do In Your Own Life. That's what you've given me. You've provided me with tools, 12 steps of recovery, and you said, here, now it's up to you. What do you want to do with them? and you gave me the ability to be just a little willing, willing enough to start letting the stuff come in. And a day at a time I think I'm an example of what you taught me. A few years ago at a conference I heard a woman in her purse speak by saying I am brought to you by Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's how I feel. I am bought to you buy AlcoholicsAnonymous. I'd like to congratulate all of the celebrants every single one of you it's a testament to what this program is about not only if we can stay sober in the day category but as we as we stay sober year after year after because you know all too often I go to places and over ten you don't see so many people, the numbers decrease at ten but it's so wonderful especially for me to see someone with even a couple years over me You know, it's nice. I welcome those of you that are relatively new to Alcoholics Anonymous this afternoon and say that you are truly in for the most unbelievable experience of your lives. Unbelievable. You have now entered this new area and look out. Look out. This is the most awesome experience ever. had I had to paint a picture of what was in store for me or what I was hoping was in score for me I would have done myself a terrible disservice because I could have never painted the picture that God's even allowed me to experience thus far I could've never but I say to those of you that are new I am so glad you're here and you are really in for a treat a struggle, and I will not lie to you it is a struggle because you are being called forth to do things differently, completely different from what you're accustomed to doing. You're being called forth to turn your whole life around one day at a time, but the rewards are innumerable. They really are. I was born 39 years ago in Atlanta, Georgia, and I think if I had to pretty much find an adjective that described how I felt growing up as a child, it would probably have to be pain. I was always in pain, always. I Was a little kid that always hurt, always ached. My body just ached, my skin ached I was never happy as a child ever and I suspect as I continued on the path that I was on had I not been struck down by a bullet or by an overdose, I probably would still be unhappy today. But you taught me something different. But as a kid, I was always hurting. It was always as though there was a party going on somewhere and I was outside looking into the party, always wanting to be a part of, but never quite knowing how to do it. Always wanting to be a product. You know, there was a television movie on it a couple of years ago and it was a depiction of the U.S. Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall's life. And one of the things that really struck me about that film, and it was a very poignant moment for me primarily because I relate it so strongly to it. They were trying to find out the impact of racism and integration on little kids. And they had little white kids and little black kids and they gave them dolls. black doll. They had a little black boy doll and a little black girl doll and a little white boy doll and a little white girl doll. And they watched the reaction of all these kids when they asked them questions and had to pick out dolls. But the one that really stood out for me was a little black girl doll. They asked her a question and they said, pick out the ugly doll. And she went right to the little black girl doll. She just grabbed a hold of her like... There was no question in her mind what was considered ugly. And that's how I felt growing up as a child. I felt ugly all the time because of who I was. Never quite fitting, always on the outside. and I'll never forget that picture with the little girl just taking the little black girl doll when I was younger I used to take razors and try to cut off the mole from my face because I hated so much who I was I used bleach and cream when I was a small child because I couldn't stand who I was and it was only in coming into Alcoholics Anonymous many many years later that I turned that stuff around because you taught me how to do it. You taught me that self-love was an inside job and it didn't matter what was going on on the outside, that if I wanted to feel better about me, I had to do It from the inside. But boy, that took many, many years for me to find out and at this stage of my life as a little kid, I was still in the sickness, still trying to get into the party and not finding a way to do I. If there was anybody that was looking at me as a small child that was sensitive to pain and sensitive to children, I'm sure they probably could have figured out that at some stage of my young life I was going to find something to make that desperate pain go away. Something. It didn't matter what it was, but just something that was going to relieve me of the pain of being in my own skin. And indeed I did. When I was about six, seven years old, eight years old I gravitated toward books and the silver screen. By this stage of the game, we had moved from Atlanta, Georgia to New York. I was about six years old when we moved. And my mother was a librarian and it was wonderful because we had lots and lots of books around the house. I mean, there were reams of books on every shelf. Every wall was covered with books. And I wasn't very good at reading but I could read enough to be able to escape between those binders. And escape I did. When I picked up a book, I was lost. I got lost in another world, and it was wonderful because when I picked up a book and started to read, I became Cinderella. I became pretty. I became smart. I didn't have a color. I was just acceptable. I was primarily acceptable to me at that stage, and quite honestly, when I started to reading, it didn't even matter what you guys thought of me any longer because I was in a different place. almost the same feeling I used to feel when I picked up drugs and alcohol didn't matter what you thought of me because by that time I was in Never Never Land and that's the impact that's an effect that books had on me early on and I loved movies we were really poor but I remember when we got our first television set I was glued to it and I love old movies I loved women like Betty Davis and Barbara Stanwyck and Susan Hayward and Joan Crawford Those were my idols. Those are women that had a glass in one hand, they had a cigarette in the other hand. And you know the story. They didn't take too much crap off anybody. And I needed that. You know, I was this little small kid with this huge hole in her gut and God only knows, I just needed a life raft. And the movies, those characters, those women provided that for me. I could hold on to them, and I could be whoever I wanted to be. I learned how to walk by watching Betty Davis. I learned How to Hold My Cigarette and my glass with my pinky stuck out there like Betty Davis, and I used to strut around looking at myself in the mirror, but that was a role model, you know, and we do as we're taught. We do as мы see. Later on in Alcoholics Anonymous, I started getting different kinds of role models, thank God, But at that time in my life, I was still getting those other role models. And I wanted to be like them. I stopped using books and movies for the most part as an escape when I was about 14 years old when they just stopped working. It's really that simple. They stopped working instead of taking me to the place where I wanted to be that was not where I was at, the more I read and the more movies I watched, the more I realized that I was this poor little black kid growing up in the South Bronx, and that was it. These were the cards I was dealt, and there was nothing else that was going to happen. Bottom line, this was it, and although I can't tell you that I thought this in reality, I'm sure on some level I probably realized that this was just too much for me bear just too much for me to bear the fact that this was my lot in life and so I found another escape and it was really easy because being a product of the 60s drugs and alcohol were perfect for me just perfect I was an artist I went to the high school of art and design in New York City and uh it was during the time of the Vietnam War and there was there all kinds of causes we could you know you know, rallied to the aid of. And I did. I found causes and I drank and used. Found causes and drank and use. About two years ago we had my 20th high school reunion and we were looking through the yearbook and there were only about 200 of us that showed up. And it was really quite sad. It was a wonderful experience, those of us that were there, for those of US that were there, but it was real sad as we were going through this yearbook and we sort of picking out people that were no longer present, many who had died from drug overdoses, some who had died in the Vietnam War, and others who just couldn't handle the realities of life. There were several people that Were noted having committed suicide. And a lot of people constantly said, you know, Francine, we sort of didn't think you'd survive. And while we laughed at that, there was a strong element of truth underlying it all. Because I was a woman on a mission in high school and I was surprised I was able to show up for that 20th reunion being who I am today. But that's thanks to you guys. Thanks to you and Alcoholics Anonymous and the God that I eventually came to believe in. When I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I picked up the big book, there were some words that just immediately jumped out off the page and grabbed me around the neck. In the chapter more about alcoholism, it talks about that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. And it was as though they had written those words just for me. For those of you that are not into the literature. I can only say for myself, it has been my saving grace. I have found a treasure trove of information in the books that we provide in Alcoholics Anonymous. Mostly, I have found out a lot about who I am as a person because every time I open up a book, it's like they've written something else about me. But that was the first time it really clicked. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I knew exactly what they were talking about. I know exactly because you see, I'm one of those people that have to go to that deep, dark place. And I know there are a few of you in here like that, but had to go to that real dark place in your alcoholism. And you vowed you would never, ever tell anybody about it. I came in here and, boy, I was real secretive, mainly because I knew you wouldn't accept me if you knew where I had come from. But I knew what it was about. I knew what those words were about. I think, had I known what was in store for me short of Alcoholics Anonymous when I first started out on this path of destruction, I would never have picked up my first drink or drunk. That's for me. I would have probably been like many of the teenagers today that commit suicide and unfortunately we live in a society where a lot of kids are killing themselves because they cannot handle the realities of life. I could easily see it happening because I couldn't stand where I was. But instead, Alcoholics Anonymous came into my life. And I guess a God I didn't believe in just kept me around long enough so I could get to the point where I could fall into the ruins. My drinking was awful. I was not a social drinker. I didn' t drink to have fun. I drank to escape all the time. My alcoholism took me to places that I would have never ever gone to had I not been drunk or wasted, ever, ever. I wouldn't have talked to half the people I've talked to had i not been out of it and I definitely wouldn't have slept with most of the men that I slept with had I not been dronked. Had I not felt so desperate, had my alcoholism not taken everything away from me and made me feel like I was a nothing, a piece of trash so that I felt I had to settle I would have never done it my alcoholism and drug addiction destroyed me took away every single thing I heard every loving thing I had it removed everything it removed the family that loved me it removed from my life the very few friends I had at the time by the time I came in here not a soul was talking to me it removes the use of a limb I came in on crutches, unable to use one of my legs. Took away every material thing I had that had been important to me because by that stage of the game I had long since seen poverty. But worse than anything else, my alcoholism dug deep inside of me and took away the last vestige of my self-respect. I had become the kind of woman alcoholic that was truly vile and wretched. I compromised myself as a woman every single day of my life, to the point that I no longer realized it was a compromise. Every day. And it took me years in Alcoholics Anonymous to be able to erase the dirt that I had accumulated from years of abuse and years of humiliation. I came into this program feeling dirty all the time. And what recovery has given me is the gift of cleanliness you taught me how to do it for myself you taught me that cleanliness comes from inside out but I didn't know that then what I was lying in my cups when I was lying on my waist and what I was coming to with strange people and strange places doing very strange things I found a way out of of the ghetto, and the sad reality is that I never realized that there was such a high price that I had to pay for the things that I wanted. For a lot of years, Xavier Hollander was my role model. And I used to put her up on a shelf. I remember reading the book, and I used put her out there, and I aspired to be like her in my sickness. And I did. I became like that. But again, the price was so high for the things that I became willing to get, to acquire a day at a time. I sold my soul and there was truly nothing when I came in here. Nothing. There were times when I'd come home from doing whatever it was I felt the need to be doing out in the streets of New York and I'd take showers to try to clean my body because I just felt so dirty. There was this ubiquitous film all over my body that was just there. It just was there. Never went away. And I would take soap and water, and I'd scrub, and sometimes I'd hurt myself because I'd get abrasions on my skin trying to scrub so hard. The dirt wouldn't come off. And, I know there are some of you in here, perhaps not most of you, but some of you that know what that dirty film is like. That dirty film that you just try to take off. Or sometimes you try to put pretty clothes on or fragrance to make it go away. You fix your hair a certain way. But it doesn't go away because if you were an alcoholic of the type I was, that dirt is on the inside. The kind of dirt that just attaches itself on the outside because you're behaving in a way that makes it so. I never, ever thought I could get rid of that. Ever. If there's anybody sitting in this room this afternoon, be you a man or a woman, who perhaps had to go to those dark places, those places that they just are so ashamed of, where they just hate themselves every day and think they'll never find the way out of that mire because of the past. The past strangles you. If there are any of you in here that feel like that right now, whether you admit it or not, I know where you're at. And I can only tell you that you don't have to be there anymore. But a day at a time, Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me out of the mire. It has taught me how to become the kind of woman that I didn't even want to be. A day at a time. Taught me how to be clean all over. I didn't stop drinking, however, for a long time after that. And urine and urine had just kept abusing my body. I just kept pouring booze down my throat. I couldn't stop drinking. And in 1978, I realized that there was clearly something wrong with my life and I couldn't for the life of me put my finger on it I can assure you I never thought it was alcoholism ever ever I was still in the victim role at that time so I was quite positive that it was you you you and especially New York I thought New York was the cause of all of my woes and so I got this bright idea that I wanted to physically remove myself from New York City because, of course, if I did that I wouldn't have any more problems. And so I did what we endearingly like to call an Alcoholics Anonymous. I took a geographic and I moved out to Las Vegas, Nevada. You know, it is kind of funny when you think about it. Las Vegas of all places. I mean, I want to get away from decadence in New York and I jump right into the frying pan. But I moved to Vegas thinking that that was the great panacea. You know, I was going to find the answer to all of my prayers and life would be perfect. And I moved out there and I was no longer doing the same things I was doing when I was in New York. Technically, I wasn't. I had gotten a regular job as well. I was working in a casino and I were one of the first women dice dealers in a major strip hotel. And, you know, it's interesting. As I look back on my life now, even when I didn't think I was a risk taker, I have always been. It's only been in sobriety that I've come to recognize some of these good qualities that I happen to like in myself. I mean, I went into a profession in Vegas that women just didn't go into. They just didn'T do it. They weren't allowed for the most part, but very few of us were willing to do it, And I guess because I was still drinking, I was willing to do something like that. But I was a dice dealer in Vegas for about nine months. And then something just happened. I got hit by a car in a blackout. That's what happened. The God that I did not believe in at the time said enough of this. This woman is insane, and she needs to be off of the streets. Everyone knew me in every casino. I was a raging drunk. I had a bad attitude. I picked fights. I slept around with everyone's husband. I had an attitude. I had bad attitude, and I didn't give a damn about what he thought. I didn' t care. I was reckless. And then this God came into my life that I didn''t believe in, And I didn't believe in God even for the first two years of recovery. But, you know, later on I realized that there had to be a loving God that got me here so that I could come to believe in a loving god. And I was hit by a car and a blackout in June of 1978 and I do not remember what happened. I've been able to piece it together based on what the police and the doctors have told me. have. The last thing I recalled, I was in a discotheque that no longer exists called the Brewery. And how appropriate, yeah. And the next morning, I recall coming to with my entire body in traction and my leg was in the cast all the way up. And they told me that I had been hit by a car in a direction opposite from where I was living. And they didn't think I was going to live when they saw me in the street. And then when they found out I was going to live, they never thought I'd ever walk again. And the doctors told me that later. They said, you can forget certain things. But I walked today. They didn't think I'd walk because my leg, when they found me, was up, my left leg was up behind my head and the bone had come straight through and I have a really attractive scar on my leg is a constant reminder of those good old days. Just in case I ever forget where I've come from. And it's easy to forget when you're sober a while and your life has changed. It's really easy to forgot that I used to leave home with certain articles of clothing and never return with those same articles. You know, it's really easy to forget that I've come to in my own stuff because I was incapable of taking care of myself. It's easy to forgot that I was totally irresponsible and immature and felt like a victim all the time. It's easier to forget than I used to drink every single day of my life. for 12 years. Every day. And so when I look at my leg, I'm reminded of where I've come from and where I never ever want to be again. But no mere car accident is enough to stop a woman on a mission. And there are some of you here that I'm sure are real alcoholics. Real deal alcoholics, and you know that just a mere car incident, I mean what's that? Just another opportunity to move forward. And so I did. I continued to drink for another month and a half in Las Vegas from June until July until I really was stopped by this God I didn't believe in. And on this particular morning, I came to an apartment that had the potential of being really beautiful, really lovely. There's a complex in Las Vegas called Las Palmas, and it was so pretty. It was about 22 acres of foliage. And I had a garden apartment, and right outside of my apartment was a lovely little rolling brook, and they used to keep little ducklings inside. And it was so pretty. Any healthy person could have appreciated that or would have. And inside my apartment, it really had the potential of being pretty too. Stucco walls, paneling, it was really nice. But when you came into my apartment and you didn't really notice the sucker walls and the paneling. You were knocked in the face by the stench of human waste and animal waste because I was incapable of taking care of myself. And on this last night, the last night I pray to God was my last drunk. I came into this apartment. I came to in this apartment My door was wide open. It was about 3 o'clock in the morning. My door Was wide open, my crutches were on one side of the room and I was lying there in the nude just in my own stuff. It was a pathetic sight and I never, ever want to forget that. Ever. I'm so far removed from that woman who crawled into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous 13 years ago. I don't ever want to forget that image of me lying like a pathetic wretch. I'd like to tell you that that was enough to make me come in here and turn my attitude around and hop to it and do everything you said to do. But as many of you know, I'm sure, because probably you came in like that too, I came in with a really bad attitude. A really bad gratitude. And one would have thought that as far down the scale as I went, that I would have been willing to grab a hold of a life preserver and run with it. But I wasn't because, you know the The ism and alcoholism grabbed a hold of me. I was in the grips of the ism. And it manifests itself in a lot of unhealthy, destructive ways. And the attitude is the problem. There are meetings in California that I love and they call them in the morning attitude adjustment meetings. And I think that's so appropriate because if you're anything like me, you came in with a bad attitude and for years I continued to have one. I don't know, maybe some people relate. But for years I had a bad attitude and I'd sit in meetings and I crossed my arms and I take up three chairs, one for my body, one for my leg and one for crutches and I dare you to miss my day. I'd sit in the back in what I endearingly like to call the inventory section and I would do just that. I would take inventory. Perhaps some of you are taking mine right now, but I'd sit in the back and I'd just slice you up. I mean, who the hell did you guys think you were? Plus, I didn't even believe most of you were sober. It's like, give me a break. I wanted to hang out on the side of the room with the people who said, honey, all you have to do is come in and take up a seat, and you'll get this thing through osmosis. I like that. I like anything that basically intimated that I didn't have to do any work. My sponsor, on the other hand, was not one of those people that suggested that. She was one of those tough cookies. She got sober in L.A., and she was sober 19 years when I came in, Louise R., and he said, if you want what we have, you do what we do together. She said, Francine it's not a mistake that in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous there's an entire chapter called into action she said in that chapter you're going to find most of the 12 steps discussed and she said in that Chapter you will also find the promises of alcoholics anonymous she said in the promises it talks about being painstaking being willing to go to any life and that in order to get these promises you've got to work for them except but no no you don't understand you know I'm different and that was really my attitude that I was different the rules were made for you guys but I was in a different category because you see I was young and black and had been abused you know growing up in years of a struggle of my people you know I just really believe that you guys owed it to me. She said, right. If you want what we have, you do what we do to get it. And I still didn't like that idea so much, but I have to tell you what I did do that was suggested, which thank God I did it, was I did go to meetings every day. I went to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I averaged 270 meetings in my first 90 days. and it was I don't know how I did it other than the fact that I wasn't working I was on crutches and people kept taking me to meetings I guess they thought that I needed them we didn't have a lot of meetings in Vegas about 45 or 50 but I went to every meeting and everyone in town knew me as the girl on the crutches 3, 4, 5 meetings every day and it's really tough for me when I came in because all those preconceived notions of what sobriety was about and what people were about was very scary to me. See, I had such thick walls around me. I came in here a fighter. From the streets of New York, I came in here as a real fighter. God forbid you get too close. God forbid you get to see who I am inside. God forbid I let you. It just didn't work that way. And I'd keep you guys at a distance, keep all of you in a band. I didn't want you to come too close. So I said, I didn' t like the men in this program but I despised the women. And they were the ones that wanted to get too close They were the one's that wouldn't tolerate my attitude because a lot of them knew where I was coming from. I hated the women in here. I just couldn't stand any of you, you know? If there was a woman that got up to the podium who looked too good and talked too well and had any kind of sobriety, it's like I'd sit back and instead of asking you for help, maybe asking you how you were doing it, I was really quick to say, Well, who does she think she is, Miss AA? But you guys knew. And the women that were the tough ones just kept coming to me. They kept trying to get past that thick exterior. Because they knew it wasn't that I hated you guys. It wasn't bad at all. It was that I couldn't stand who I was. I couldn' t stand who I was as a person, and I definitely couldn' d stand who I was as a woman. I couldn d stand her. And you kept coming to me, and I kept pushing you away, and you kept coming to me until gradually I stopped pushing you away. I started to let some of the love that we find in Alcoholics Anonymous seep through when we're open to it. You know, you guys used to say to me, allow us to love you until you're able to love yourself. That didn't make sense to me. Didn't make since to me because letting you love me meant I had to take risks and while While I seemed to be doing that in my life, I really wasn't willing to take a risk when it involved my emotions and who I thought I was inside. That was just asking too much of me. But a day at a time, because I kept coming to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, because I keep showing up at these meetings when I did not want to show up, something started to happen. Something wonderful started to happened. Me. me. I started to discover who I was. The years that I'm in this program, my life has changed drastically. Drastically. I am by no stretch of the imagination the woman that I was in 1979 in July. I don't look the same. I do not sound the same, I definitely do not behave the same. My profession is different. Everything is different. I'm a very different person. The fact that I could stand before you this afternoon full of fear is a major difference. I was always the person that was afraid to try because I was too scared. And God forbid you should see me being afraid. You should know that I'm fearful. Today, because of a God that I have, I'm able to walk through fear day at a time and show up for myself when I was two years sober that's when the change started to take place it really started to happen because I was encouraged at that point too I was first I was starting to develop a sense of a power greater than myself in my life it was just starting to happen and it made me was happening because I acting as if I remember my sponsor would say to me, Francine, in the morning just ask my God, meaning hers, to help you not drink or use drugs and for you not to compromise yourself as a woman just for today. And she said if you found that at the end of the night you didn't drink and you didn' t use drugs and you did' n't compromise yourself, just simply say thank you. And I found I kept doing that and I didn' T really believe what I was saying but I just kept doing it. And she also suggested that I read on pages, from pages 86 to 88. There are two prayers. One is when we retire at night and the other is upon awakening. She said, just read them every day. And you know, in doing that, I found the day came when I was no longer acting as if. I found that one day something started to happen inside of me and I really started to believe in this power greater than myself. And it's a good thing because that has been the key to my recovery. It has been the thing that's enabled me to make all the other changes in my life that have taken place. That faith that works under all conditions. The third step came for me in a different kind of way. I was one of those people that came in and I believed like a lot of people, that it was only about making a little baby decision. And my sponsor said, if you think that's what it means, then read it. and I remember the very first time I actually opened up the 12 in 12 and saw what it said it says very clearly in black and white the first line and the second paragraph this step like all of those that follow requires affirmative action well I always thought this was a passive step that I kind of let go and let God and I don't have to do anything it's a very active step and Louise helped me to realize that That it was about my taking the action, but leaving the results over to God. It was about me being willing to be a different kind of person. And that started to manifest itself in little simple ways in the beginning for me, like not sleeping with other people's husbands. Like not sleeping without their husbands. Not sleeping with others' boyfriends and justifying that it wasn't their husband. My sponsor used to tell me that self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And she said, if you act like a tramp, you will be treated like one. If you behave like a whore, you will being treated as such. And if you talk like a sailor, people will respond to you in that way. And the other thing that I started to watch was my mouth. You know, she said self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And I never realized that cursing was a non-esteemable act. And yet every word that came out of my mouth was a four-letter word. It was disgusting. and yet I can tell you as I stand here today it wasn't because I did no other words I knew a few but I think I cursed more because I hated myself so much that when I cursed it took the focus off of who I was as a person and put it on the way I was communicating the message and furthermore I realized that whenI cursed in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous everybody laughed You know, it was really sick reinforcement, but when I was new that's what I needed. And Louise at this stage of the game said if you want self-esteem, you do esteemable acts and it starts with something as simple as how you behave. So for this alcoholic only, a day at a time I have chosen not to use a four letter word and it's been a long time. And it was hard. It was a hard transition to make, but I can tell you for myself all the little esteem acts I've taken in 13 years have made me the woman that I am today. A woman that can hold her head up high and walk with dignity no matter where she goes. I'm proud of who I am as a woman alcoholic because of the things I do. After that little interlude with a third step and understanding it differently, my sponsor encouraged me at that stage of my life to move on to my fourth. And by that point in time, I was ready. I was taught, and again, whatever I share from this podium is my own experience. It's how I've worked this program. It' s what's worked for me. I was taught that one fourth step is required and that it was really important that I make sure I had a firm grasp on the first three so that there was a God in my life that was going to help me do a fearless moral inventory. Even if I was afraid, to be honest, that with that God in my life, I would have been willing to move through it. And one of the most important things that came out of my fourth step was my mother. There seems to be a faction in Alcoholics Anonymous today that likes to bash parents and I guess for whatever it's worth we need to do what we have to do, and I was among that group for a long time. But today I'd like to be able to tell you that I have a wonderful relationship with my mother because I have worked at it. Because the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have enabled me to carry this message beyond the rooms and into my life, which is what the 12-step talks about, practicing these principles of all my fans. I didn't start out wanting to have a great relationship with my mother. I just didn't want to keep having her sit on my back all the time. I hated the fact that I had given this woman so much power and I took her everywhere. It was like an albatross around my neck. I hated her. And I realized that as long as I hated my mother, I could not have a healthy relationship with anybody, anybody, be they man or woman, because as long at I resented Rose, there was always me, the other person, and Rose right in the middle. I could never have a good relationship with anyone and so I worked through this with my mother for selfish reasons but the benefits have been abounding I realized as a result of that fourth and fifth that my mother did the very best she could with what she had she passed on what she has that was all and if I was so quick to talk about how she wasn't the perfect mother I had to stop and remember that I truly was not the perfect daughter I'm the drunk. I was abusive to my mother under the guise of, well, look at what she did to me. That didn't give me the right to then turn around and abuse her. And Alcoholics Anonymous helped me look at that as painful as it was. God knows I didn't want to hear people that were telling me that I didn'T have a right to be a victim. They didn'T say that to me, they just said, for instance, you might want to look at it differently. I wanted to beat up on my mother and I wanted you to help me justify it. Well, there were lots of people that did. But thank God, there were people like my sponsor who said, if you want what we have, you do what we do to get it. If you want self-esteem, you do esteemable acts and that goes into the home as well as other places. A day at a time, my mother is one of my best friends and that doesn't mean that my mother doesn't get on my nerves a lot of times. But I've also come to understand that I get on her nerves a lot of times as well. And if I want her to understand who I am as a person, charity starts at home. I need to start looking at what I do in the relationship. But one of the most important things that came out of that fourth step for me was the realization that I am not a victim. And I'm going to tell you that was the toughest thing I have ever had to swallow in my whole life. Because you see, I had an investment in being a victim I had a real bad attitude, and I could always say, well, look at how they treated me in my life. Poor me. It was the guy's fault. It was my mother's fault, it was the war in Vietnam's fault It was government's fault Everybody's fault but mine I wanted to blame everyone for the rut I found myself in at 26 years old when I crawled into Alcoholics Anonymous I never wanted to take responsibility for anything And I can tell you, as long as I chose not to take responsiblity, I stayed stuck I was uneducated, and I just stayed stuck. I continually wanted to choose people that were unhealthy, and then I would turn around and say, when they did the unhealthy thing that they would do, I'd turn around и say, well, look at that poor me. Look at what they've done to me. Well, I had a sponsor who, again, was real tough, and she was always quick to turn it back to me, and she asked me, well why did you choose that person? Or why don't you walk away? I didn't know how to do that. But you've taught me. You've taught me first how not to choose unhealthy people in my life. And you've taught me that if by chance there are some, then I know how to take care of myself. But also in this process of learning that I was responsible for my life, I realized that I couldn't stand being uneducated. I was 28 years old. I was a high school dropout and I could barely read at all. And I suspect a lot of that happened because of the drugs, the abuse of drugs and alcohol over the years. whatever brain cells I may have had as a child most of them had dissipated by the time I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and I was so ashamed when you guys would give me the traditions to read in the meetings I'd storm out of the room instead of asking you for help because I couldn't read it I couldn'T pronounce words like anonymity and I WAS TOO PRIDEFUL TO ASK YOU FOR HELP I WAS too ashamed TO SAY PLEASE HELP ME and at this stage of my life at two years of recovery I didn't like that I didn' t like the fact that I couldn' t take care of myself and so I decided that I wanted to pursue a career that was going to require about eight to ten years of a commitment and I could neither spell nor define the word commitment but yet I did the footwork I have always had smart feet ever since that second anniversary because of my sponsor And no matter what my feelings were, no matter when I thought inside, my feet have always been willing to do the work because since that second anniversary I've had a faith in my life that's given me the courage to put one foot in front of the other. And I prayed to God to help me get through this. And I went and the first thing I needed to do in order to get through school was to get a high school diploma. And I bought a GED book, and I used to hide it underneath my bed because I was too ashamed to tell you that I was a high school dropout. Because, you see, I had lied so much to so many people that nobody would have believed me anymore. So I'd hide my book under the bed, and when you weren't there, when there was no company, I'd study, and not study, not study. And I got my GED in Las Vegas, Nevada, and I started college at UNLV, the University of Nevada, Las Vegas in 1981. Ten years after I had gotten out of high school and I was scared. Didn't think I could do it because you see I was always a failure. I could never do anything. But again my sponsor's words kept resonating in my brain. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. And you can have anything you want if you're willing to do the footwork. In 1982, I moved back to New York City after having had a year of college in Vegas and I continued my college education in New York and I went to school full-time. I worked a full-term job and I worked at the University of New York and I go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day. And I stress that because one of the painful things for me to watch as I get more and more sober is a lot of newcomers, especially between those dangerous years, between one and five who come into the rooms and start to flex their AA muscles and forget how it's possible that they're flexing those muscles. They don't go to meetings because they're in school. They don'T have time to go to meetings or they're IN the right relationship and they DON'T have TIME to go TO MEETINGS or they HAVE the RIGHT job and, well, I CAN'T get to meetings TOO or even with some of the people I've heard women that come in with babies, you know, but I don't have time to go to meetings. And I can only say that if I forget that I'm an alcoholic and my priority is recovery, I will not have a baby, I will Not have a job, I Will Not Have a Relationship, and I could forget about school. And a day at a time, I was in school and in meetings every day. And in 1986, I moved down to Washington, D.C., to complete my education, and in 1989 I moved back to New York having graduated from one of the top law schools in this country and I can only tell you thank you that's mostly for you guys because there's no way in the world I would have gotten through 10 years of school had it not been for Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of the time, I wanted to give up. Most of the time. When I decided I wanted go back to school to be a lawyer, it was the farthest thing. It was the most unbelievable thing that someone like me could have even attempted to dream of. I used to pay lawyers a fortune to keep me out of jail. I mean, who would have thought that I could even think of being one. But if nothing else, I can pass on to you this afternoon, I pass on that Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the ability to dare to dream and furthermore has given мне the willingness to make those dreams come true. You guys taught me that. You taught me that. And you gave me the ability to show up every day for myself when I didn't want to do it. when it was a struggle, just a struggle. After getting through school, I thought that all my struggles were over and I figured, well now, after all this time, eight years of schooling, I just knew I had it made. And I was coming up on my 10th anniversary in July of 1989, which is the day of the New York Bar, one of two days. And I sat in this exam with my 10-year coin in my left hand and I was writing my exam with my right hand and I failed the exam. And it was one of the most devastating things that could have ever happened to me because you see, all that stuff was coming into my brain. I mean, I was the person that was afraid to try because I knew I'd fail. So it was easier for me to take the easy road and not even try because then you don't have to worry about failure. You don't have to worry about getting up to a podium and telling somebody you failed the test. But see, by that stage of the game, Francine was different inside. You guys made that happen. By that stage in the game by my 10th anniversary, whether I wanted to give up or not, I couldn't do it. Because I was sufficiently different. I was no longer the person that crawled into Alcoholics Anonymous in 1979. I was not that person anymore, and I couldn't give up. Because you see, I was a woman on a mission. I prepared for the exam again, and I failed it again. The only thing is by this stage of the game, I knew what it was like to fail. And I'm going to tell you though, even knowing what it's like to fail. It took every bit of courage I had and every piece of support I could drum up all over this country to get me to sit for the New York bar for the third time. And I did, and I finally passed. And I was admitted to the bar about two years ago. Thank you. one of my role models and she also happens to be my california sponsor june g who i think you'll see next year is um she was a role model in a lot of respects but also because of her you know issue with getting through the exam she showed me that you could do anything just don't give up. Just don't give up You guys made the mistake of telling me I could have anything I wanted if I was willing to do the footwork and so I decided I wanted to sit for yet another exam and last year I went out to California with no idea in my mind that I really wanted to live there just yet, I figured down the road I'd want to be in California but I figured I'd take the bar. And I studied, but I guess I didn't study enough. And I failed the California bar. But truly by that stage of the game, I mean, it was like I was such a pro at handling rejection. You know, and it's interesting, even as I stand up here and say that, I could have never, I couldn't have never even gone through it. But I could've never stood up before a group and told you that I'd failed. I am so different today. I am so different. You know, when I first got sober, I guess I was about a year into this program when I thought I might stick around. It was requested of me that I prepare a list of the things I wanted out of recovery. And I wish, well, on that list, I can just tell you that you saw nothing but material things. All the things that I had lost and wanted to regain were the things on that list, not once would you have seen the real gifts that I've gotten in sobriety. The gifts like courage. The gifts like discipline. The gifts like self-esteem. The ability to hold my head up high no matter where I am. Friends. Family. Those are some of the gifts that nobody could take away from me. except me if I pick up. Those are the gifts you've given me that have been most important. I've gotten some material things too, but the real gifts have been those insight gifts. The ability to walk through fear, a faith that works under all conditions. That's the greatest gift of my recovery. Bar no other, the gift of a power greater than myself. It's so amazing today, even as I say that, it blows me away because I, for the first two years, didn't believe in God. And I just acted as if. And it's no wonder. I grew up with the God of my understanding as being the God of hellfire and brimstone. You know? I was a Southern Baptist. And my notion of a God was this old man sitting atop a mountain with a long beard mandating what I should be doing. The last thing I wanted was to believe in that. I wanted to get as far away from that hellfire and brimstone God as I possibly could. And you lovingly told me that it's God as I understand God. My conception of God has changed very much, even from the time I was newly sober. And again, what I share from this podium is what works for me. Because I came into Alcoholics Anonymous with so many issues, so much baggage, especially surrounding the men in my life, It was very difficult for me to continually call God he. It was really very difficult for me. And so there was a stage in my recovery where I was really radical and I went to the other extreme and I wanted you all to know that God was a she. Well, I have to also say what's happened for me today in the last few years is it's a comfortable place for me believing God is neutral. I do not When we say the Lord's Prayer, I do not say my Father. It is my Creator because that's what works for me. God is no longer a man, for sure. But God's not a woman. God's just an amorphous entity out there that loves me unconditionally, that's there whenever I want to draw on that spirit. God's in you and you andyouandyou. God's everywhere. Everywhere. And so for me it's my Creator and that's a very comfortable place for me it's been because of that faith that I have however that my life is just I've been able to get through all these things the struggles, the pain, the happiness, the joy but the biggest challenge for my God and in my recovery came at the beginning of this year the most difficult day of my life was in February I had been blessed with the ability to love and I was so self-absorbed, so self centered when I got sober that I couldn't even look beyond my navel. God only knows there were no other people around. The only time you mattered is if you had a lot of money in your pocket. That was it. Something you could give to me, something tangible. But in recovery I've changed enough where I'm a very loving person today and I know that. The way I respond to people and things there's a lot more love inside of me and I'm able to receive it as well but that love started with little tiny animals and maybe some of you are not new enough to be able to appreciate what I'm about to share and maybe one of you is a little bit older and maybe someone of you are too sober to be about to appreciate it but my animals were a vital part of my recovery and I believe that my animals were there during my drinking to keep me alive maybe some of you can relate when I was drinking and using I wanted to commit suicide a lot. Number one, I never had the courage, but I believe that I probably would have summoned the courage had it not been for my pets because I used to often think, well, what would happen to them? Who would take care of them? And God gave me these two little precious babies that I had since they were weaned, Jason and Athena. Athena is almost 15 now and Jason got very sick in January. He had a tumor and he was this big fat Persian cat. It was beautiful. And in a matter of four weeks, I watched this fat, gorgeous animal be reduced to the size of my arm. He was literally eaten away because of this cancer inside of him. And I had to put him to sleep on this day in February, and it was the most painful day of my life. Thank God for my sponsor, and thank God for the people that love me, because you guys got me through it. My sponsor went with me on that morning when I had taken him. I never thought I had so much love inside of me. I never thought. I also believed after that that because I was so hurt that I wouldn't want to bring anything else into my house, because God forbid I'd be hurt again if it died. But you guys keep showing me every day that I don't have a right to hoard what you've given me. That the only way I keep any of the gifts I've gotten in Alcoholics Anonymous is by sharing them. continually sharing them through service to humankind. And so I now have three cats in my house. I have a little girl, her name is Spike, and she's a little Himalayan, and I have Dusty with an eye, and that's a middle-aged cat and a little boy Persian. And then I have Athena, who's the grand dame of my household. And they bring me joy, as you have today. as you have. I love being alive. There are days I don't always feel great, but I love being alive I work hard on my recovery just to maintain what you see before you this afternoon. This does not come easily and those of you that really work at it know it does not come easily. Even to be able to smile at someone that I don' t know takes a lot when you come from the place that I came from where you would rather snub somebody and cut your eyes at them than to smile and say hi. I'm having surgery on Tuesday and yet another opportunity to test my faith in my recovery. And this is the fourth surgery I've had in sobriety. But I haven't been under the knife in about ten years. So it's really scary. But it was an adult move on my part. I started to feel it an abnormal growth in my abdomen and I didn't know what it was and like the adult that I am today I went to the doctor and I went and got a second opinion because you've taught me through esteemable acts to take care of myself and to love myself and it was discovered that I have these tumors that while it's not mandatory that they are removed right now, if at some point they would have to be. I'm contemplating having children in the next three to four years and it would be impossible for me to have children with these growths because they keep getting larger and larger. So I've gone about this process for the last four weeks doing the things that an adult person would do. I've had exams taken. I've let them poke all over my body blood tests, everything like an adult who would have thought and now I go in on Tuesday morning my mother goes with me and my sponsor and I have to be in the hospital about five days and I just ask those of you that have something in your heart maybe for me to say a prayer on Tuesday morning. Just say a prayer that I get through it graciously, because that's what you've taught me. You've taught me, number one, it's important that I show up for myself, and today I do. I'm an active participant in the creation of my own life. That's who I am today. But You've taught me that it's not even just enough to get through it. It's an, you know, for me, it's important to get through it with grace. If I'm doing something that I don't want to do, I don' t have to bitch about it and moan and groan. You know, I share my feelings, share I'm afraid, whatever, but walk through it grace. That's what you're allowing me to do. In closing, I would like to read something from AA approved literature for those of you that are AA purists. This is my most favorite book in the whole world. It's As Bill Sees It. For those of you that are new and for those of vous that are not so new and maybe need a boost in your recovery, I'm going to tell you I think the literature is where the answers are. And this book in particular, you can tell I use this book a lot. I mean, the whole thing is a part. But I love it. My sponsor, when I was newly sober, suggested I read this book because I was always angry. My face was always in a pissed-off position. So Louise said to me, open up as Bill sees it. And what it has is like an index up front with a lot of the things we feel or don't feel. And she said, read everything under anger and resentment. it. And she said, then read everything under gratitude and God, faith. That's how I got into this book. And I've been recommending it and reading it and loving it ever since. And I'd just like to read this passage that's one of my most favorites. It's entitled Can We Choose? It's on page four in As Bill Sees It. And it simply says, we must never be blinded by the feudal philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings. That these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose. And that's what you've given me. In 13 years of sobriety you have given me the gift of choice. You've taught me that it does not matter where I've come from, does not matter whether I have hair or I don't, doesn't matter what color my skin is, doesn't mater whether I have an accent or I don't. Doesn't matter whether I even believe in God or I don't taught me it doesn't matter where I'm come where I come from. It only matters where I'm going and you've given me 12 steps of recovery and you've taught me how to take them excuse me off of the walls and put them into my life to be a better and different person you've given me the gift of life I am brought to you by Alcoholics Anonymous thank you