The Physical Allergy That Made Him Feel Awesome – David

My name is David. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, David. I'm really glad to be here. I somehow recovered from this hopeless, hopeless place that I got myself to. I'm from Anchorage, Alaska. My home group is the Monday Night Men's Meeting, and my sponsor is Runar from Iceland. And this whole trip, I got my sobriety dates May 23rd, 2002. And I guess I can start with that. I started drinking when I was about 14. At first it was some beer and I felt good and I didn't get in any trouble. And then I drank some gin. And I remember something happened. And I remember I felt this beautiful, beautiful way about life. And then I wanted to stay that way forever. And then i overshot it. And I got in a fight with my dad. And there was blood everywhere and the police were there. And they decided that they were going to put me in the car and I didn't want that. And then they put me here anyways. and I woke up the next morning in a youth facility in a cell and I wondered how can I drink without winding up in jail because it was beautiful I mean, I loved to drink that way that it made me feel last night was like an answer that I'd wanted my whole life and never got it talks about in the book and that I felt at ease. And I tried to find that again through alcohol. And it worked for a little while, and then I would get in trouble again. And within a real short time, I was in the center for a year because of drinking. And I got out, and I'd been sober for almost a year, and I thought that every alcoholic does that after a little bit of time of sober, that you can learn again how to drink. And I had passed that line. And really quickly I was drinking more than I ever had and I was becoming a practicing alcoholic. I did that for about five years And when I was 20, I had become everything that I'd never wanted to be. I became a person that I utterly loathed. I became just so low of a person that I swear I was going to change my life that day. And I would pick up a beer and I would drink it and I would be dumbfounded why I was doing it because I didn't understand. And I always used to say I would quit drinking when I wanted to and then I desperately wanted to and I couldn't do it. I had no control, I had not power over it. And I wanted to quit drinking and I didn' t know how and so I thought that maybe trying to kill myself would solve that because drinking wasn' t working and I had this huge pistol at my house and I thought maybe this is the way to get out and I didn't have any ammo though and then the next morning I'm playing with this gun and I'm pulling the trigger and the next morning this kid comes into my house and he says, I got ammo for the gun and I shrink so small because I was afraid already of everything in the world and my world had come to my basement and I was uncomfortable to go anywhere already and then I couldn't even live there anymore. And that was a good place for me to be at, for an alcoholic, because I was at that jumping-off place and I knew I needed something more than what I had. And I shortly after that conceded to mine and myself that I was an alcoholic. That I had... Something was with my body different than other people. That when I put alcohol in my body it did it differently and I would develop these cravings and I couldnít stop drinking more. and I already knew about them the you know my mind thing I mean it was obvious to me so when I came to AA and these that was the first step um it was really easy to accept that you know I knew I was an alcoholic I I went to one meeting and a bunch of kids from a treatment center were there and all I could do was cry the whole time as they bullshitted their way through the whole meeting and talked about you know all kinds of things that I that I knew that I wasn't there for and after they were done bullshit and I was done crying a guy came over to me and he said just don't drink tonight and come back there's a meeting tomorrow you can go to and he gave me I got a schedule and at the next meeting I went to I got an appointment with a temporary sponsor and I went out and I did the first three steps with him within ten days of being sober and then I went to a men's meeting it was a men's tag beginners meeting and it was all there was a dark room in an Alano club and there was this guy there with a black leather jacket and black clothes and it's the middle of summer and it is a dark room and there is this dark foreigner there and he you know there are people sharing and you know he is laughing at him and pissing people off and And then he turns his attention to me at the end of the meeting. And he's asking me, why are you here, kid? He's like, well, you know, and I'm like, because I drink and things get messed up. And then she's like well, why don't you try some controlled drinking? And I tell him a little bit more about my drinking. I'm the kind of guy that buys a keg and we go out to the valley. and I end up with my all beat up, my truck's messed up all my friends left me and no more beer and I spent the money to put the whole thing on. And he's like yeah you're hopeless. And I was like that wasn't the support that I was looking for here. But I was beat down so bad and I didn't want what I had anymore I wanted something else. and um and so i uh i followed him around and he asked me to go out fishing with him and so uh so i showed up out in bristol bay um you know worried about my warrants and flying on the planes and all that there's those things that come up you know to try to stop you from getting well and i went out there and uh and you know there's runar smiling when i showed up and it had been so long in my life since someone had been happy to see me somewhere and uh you know i got to work on uh on that boat and we talked he's like you can't complain no bitching no whining and uh and that's what i did you know and we talking about spirituality we talked about god we talked you know all kinds of things that you know got me fired up about life. We talked about men's meetings, we talked a lot about men meetings and he got me stoked about this idea of a men's meeting. And I'm going to be a pussy if I don't cry. So I got excited about this whole idea about a spiritual experience and living a spiritual way of life because I knew from being a little kid that I always wanted this. I always want to have a deep-rooted kind of spiritual life but I never knew how to get it and I was always so like just unable to live with life and but I wanted to be connected I want it to be whole and they didn't know what that was I didn't know how to do that though and and then you know I got this this book and it gave me simple simple directions on how to do that for a person that like me that has a spirituality I'm not right I'm I'm not comfortable with myself, and I have a physical allergy to alcohol that when I put it in, it makes me feel awesome, and then I want more. And then my mind, when I'm non-drinking, I can't stop wanting to drink. And with all these things combined, it's a lethal combination for me. I mean, I cannot beat it by myself. And so I get this opportunity to, you know, I mean sure I'm powerless over alcohol. I mean the police prove that time and time again. I mean, the guys kicking my ass proved that time and time again. I mean just, you know, I proved it, kicking my a** time and time again, I'd run into walls. I mean I'd, you now, I just, I was my own worst enemy. And then, and then you know I get this solution. So I do the, you kno, I had already done the first three steps. You kno I said, I said whatever kind of higher power is out there, you knoo sure, I'll accept that. And out there on the boat, you kno, I got times to kind of develop my own understanding of it. I mean, I didn't even understand it anymore. I just got, I guess, more to believe in it and more to make that decision that this is the decision that I make to change my life from here on out. You know, I'm not just going to not drink today. I mean I had to tell myself that, you know, the first few days. But once I had two weeks, which was longer than I'd ever been sober by, not by myself but, you Know, just sober in my life without people putting me in a room, you know? Without alcohol, I mean. I was sober out in the world. and the captain's drinking booze and there's alcohol in the boat with me and I'm not freaking out wanting to go drink it. Because before, the night I quit drinking I tried to give my dad a fifth of booze to say, hey dad, hide this from me. I stole booze from that man my whole freaking life and I am trying to tell him to hide it from me and I was like, he couldn't do a good enough job when he wanted to keep it for himself I was like, he's not good, you know He leaves it out on the table And I'm just like, you Know I'm there by myself I'm powerless over it I didn't want I wanted to drink three beers And I was, you Now Finishing off this fit And I didn' t know why And I din' t Know how And it It overwhelmed me So, You Know I said by myself You Know I can't figure this out And then Then I get into the steps And then, You know So I've done the first three And And I get a different sponsor for whatever reason. And he makes me wait a while to do the steps. You know, maybe I'm six months sober and I finally get around to do the fourth step, which is way too long if you ask me. I was crazy for too long. It's just, you know, I'd recommend doing that as fast as possible and not having to wait around with it because I remember the uncomfortability of having to write all that stuff out and then knowing what it is and not, you know, being able to just sitting on it. I mean, the only thing that's ever gotten me closer to God is to empty out all that stuff that I got. I mean the rune I would set on the boat time and time again, you know the only, I mean you can get well regardless of anyone provided you clean house and trust God and that's what I needed to do next. And so I looked at all, you now, all the things that all the people had done to me and all my resentments and I seen, you kno, where I had been at fault in my part and we worked those out. I did it out of the book, and I got to tell somebody. And I didn't really know if I trusted him or not, but I was like, you know, I don't really who this punk dude is, but I'm going to do this, and if it comes back, it probably isn't going to be worse than what I've already been through because I already had to live through that stuff once and people knowing about it isn't that bad because they knew about it in the beginning. I did the fifth step, and then I wasn't sure that I did it right the first time, so I did again with another guy, and I started getting a little more relief. And then I did, you know, the sixth and the seventh, and, you now, I spent more time on my seventh, trying just to make sure that... I didn't want to skimp on this, because it talks about, you kno, we're building this archway that we're going to walk through, a free person, free from all of this life that I wanted to end. And, you know, I didn't want to have a wimpy little arch. I wanted something that was solid and that I could get through and it was going to be good. I didn' t want some kind of half program. Because I've seen it around. I mean, I've see a lot of sick people in AA still. And they weren't getting well. And, you know, I've seen this guy, you know, and I'm getting, you know, 30, 60, 90 days. And I see this guy and he's keep on calling himself a newcomer. And, you know what? You know, I'm like, fuck that. I mean, it was, it was not for me to come back in a time and time again. I mean I, I knew that when I came in here I made a decision for my life. I mean it wasn't, it wasn' just uh, I'll go check out what AA's doing today. I mean it was just so bad and, and, and when I, when I needed a power, I needed a miracle, I wasn't going to like just be going back and forth with that. So I did the seventh step, you know, and I'm like, you Know, these things that I do that make people mad, that hurt people, the people that I love particularly, You know, I asked for them to be taken away. And, you Now, I think most of them had, you Know, sometimes my fear crops up. But I asked, I spent the time and I did that. I said please remove these things. And then came making this other list of all the people that I'd harmed. And I took it from the inventory I made and I made a bigger and added a lot of financial amends. I had a box of rubber checks and I used every single one of them. And they, you know, they keep track of them. They got your name on them. And I made, I almost made halfway through those in two years. And it was about $4,000 or so far, and I got about 4,000 more to go. And, you Know, I made some headway. And, You know, it's all I can really hope for to do. I mean, I drank for four or five years, so I hope that, You Know, in four or 5 years I'll have that repaid. and, you know, I got to and by this time I'm about almost a year sober maybe a little over a year depending on which one of the men's I'm making and my father in this time he's an active alcoholic we used to drink together every day and, uh and, yeah, I had a lot of resentments against that man from the beginning to the end and I had accepted, you Know that he was probably going to die drunk and then he got to treatment and he got sober or recovery, I invited him to my men's meeting and we clapped him off at the end. So I wasn't sure how that was going to go, but he was working the 12 steps and I had this 9th step to do to him because I did a lot of bad things to that man. I did things that sons shouldn't do no matter what their fathers do. So I had to go and clean up my side of the street because like I said, I made a decision to get a new life. I didn't want to change my old one and upgrade it a little bit. I just wanted to scrap it and start over. And I talked to him, I asked him, I told him all the things that I thought that I did wrong, I asked them what I needed to do to make it right, and he had done his 9-step too, so we got to kind of exchange 9-steps at the same time. And my life kept on getting better. I was able to apologize to my mom and repair the relationship that I had with her I was actually able to even live with her for a little bit and she didn't trust me before and I was slowly able to regain her trust and kind of be a good person just making a living not calling up in the middle of the night drunk screaming at my parents for being bad parents and not making any more wreckage i uh i got to uh to kind of clean up you know all these things i felt bad about that made me a bad it made me less the person that i didn't want to be and the uh the relief that i felt from doing those was it was lifting weight off my shoulders that i just didn't even understand and my life was getting better in all kinds of ways i got a job at a school that i probably you know i almost went into if i didn't get institutionalized and i have this seven pages of criminal record that you know I'm walking in with to go apply for this job and i just know they're going to turn me down and yet they're calling up on the phone like we just need a letter with your your record to let you get hired we'll search on payroll and you know, I'm all full of fear And they're just calling me up. They're just, come on, just a letter. Just explain a few words. Just write it down. And I was like two weeks. You know, I'm just dragging my heels because I'm just full of fear. And I write this letter. And they are like, OK, start Monday. And I'm not there. I am working with little kids, you know, like kindergarten through 12th grade. And the 12th grader ones are, you know, they're, they are just like me. And, you know, I can relate to a lot of them. I know a lot of them are alcoholics. And I kind of talk about that. I mean, just talk about whatever they wanted to talk about. and I'm working with these kids and I just get to go in and play basketball with them a lot of times and you know they're and then I'm like when does work start you know out there on the basketball court running around and you life had gotten it was it was getting manageable I was getting I was doing these things and and it was it was changing and I didn't have fears as much anymore I was I was starting to see these promises um I the 11th step prayer and meditation um And every morning I try to turn my will and my life over and ask for guidance. Being here has been awesome. I'm kind of like eight hours difference from Alaska, so I get up earlier. I don't know what the deal is. We've got 24 hours of daylight there too, but I don' t know, it seems more powerful here or something. And so I've been able to get up early in the mornings and just kind of pray and meditate and find my conscious contact, which is pretty easy when you're around so many people that are in recovery. I didn't understand why my sponsor told me to come here at the beginning and I didn t understand why he said you had to come back in two months if you stay longer than... He set me up totally, I mean, to see how strong what I got to do to carry this message and see how it's being done over here. It's just phenomenal to see so many young people in recovery. Where I'm from, it's just not the same. There's little pockets of enthusiasm in my home group. But I came here and I was greeted and I've been welcomed and it's been something else. God has entered my life and like the book talks about, He says that He's going to be my principal and I'm going to become His agent So I'm representing this higher power, the spirit of the universe. And as my duty or responsibility or actually privilege, I get to show, like the third step says, take away my difficulties, that victory over them, bear witness to those, how I help with thy love, thy power in the way of life. And that's a lot. Take away my disabilities. I had a lot of them. I could complain for hours about them and just go on and on and On about all of them and some were little and some where big and some are outside issues and some are alcoholism and but you know majority of them all of them when I'm in God's light are taken away and and I get to I get to be that I get to be that experience that God can can do so much for some for someone and you know I don't like to talk a whole lot about all my my drinking and drugging I did but I mean you know people see me now and they meet me now and I start to tell them about the times that I was doing Oxycontins and I was shooting up and I decided since I'd already shot up that I should maybe try heroin because I needed to compare the two. And there's a logic in that. Regularly people don't understand and the guy that I'm talking to the guy who I was picking this girl up from he's like, why are you doing this? And I was like, it doesn't make sense to you it makes great sense to me. and you know it's just all these things that um you know i do in life that um that were killing me you know but i didn't really see it because they made sense because i was so i had this dis-ease i was i was disconnected from from any kind of a balancing point uh you know some days I'd be happy and off the walls, and then other days I'd be depressed. And I couldn't find any kind of medium. And I'd always try to make it work with alcohol, but then I'd punch holes in the walls and steal money from my dad and get in a fight with my girlfriend. And all I wanted was to have some kind of regular life and no clue as to how to do it. And by coming to, you know, I mean, I wasn't sure that A, I was going to be able to solve all these problems. You know, it's like I knew drinking. I mean in these five years, I'm like, okay, so where's drinking? You know what I mean? I need to solve this. I need solve that. But this drinking thing, I kind of want to hold on to that because that's like my only, it's the only thing that really helps me deal with all this reality. I mean if it wasn't so, if it weren't like it was, I mean maybe I could not drink. I didn't understand that, you know, that this whole disease and how it pretty much entraps me into if I don't find a spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening, a spiritual way of life, that I'm going to die miserable, alone, in jail. You know, just a life that, I mean, it's a cruel sentence to have no answer to. And so I charge this road, and I go looking for new guys. I go to treatment centers. I go into McLaughlin, where I was institutionalized at, and I see staff members that are used to lock the door and say goodnight, and now they see me come back there, and I get to try to carry the message at the youth center there. and I got approved as a certified volunteer. And when I called them up at six months, they're like, hell no. And I called him up and I was like, I'm just going to call you back again. And then I called back at nine months and I'm like, oh no. And I just got longer and longer in sobriety and eventually they're Like, okay, in six months we'll give you a six-month waiting period and then you'll come back. I'll be like, all right, I'll get back from Europe then. And I had a little bit of resentment and ego. how could they turn me down you know i'm just i'm you know i'm carrying this message and uh and yet you know i i got to go in there and i got a talk to a few of those kids and really you know it it made me feel probably a lot better to um to walk out of that center without a guard without a probation officer hold you know walking me out because you know i was in there for a year and so that that feeling um that was just, you know, God just was shining on me the whole time I was walking out of there. I mean, it was just phenomenal because I, you know, I mean that was lame being in jail there and, you know, it kind of reminds me of that guy that was in prison and then he ended up being the warden of it. I mean I was able to turn the table and be on the other side of it, have lived, you know, the misery of it and because I left that out. My first meeting was when I was institutionalized. A guy came in and he said that when he was 16, he drank like this. He said that he went to the meetings of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. He got sober. And I remember when this drug counselor who I didn't, I mean, I knew she was full of treatment, so I didn't really believe her. But I remember when she told me to go to AA, it just brought me back to this guy who told me that he got sober when he was 16. And, you know, I kind of remember that all throughout my sobriety. And then, you Know, one night I finally meet this guy on the year he has his 17 years and I got to give him his coin for that because he carried the message to me. He planted that seed when I was 14. I knew I was an alcoholic but I just didn't have enough knowledge or And so, you know, I got a little more and yet he carried the message and he'd gone in there. And for me to be able to maybe do that, do what he did, at least to when I was at that broken point and I was out that little kind of that low where you can break through all the defenses that we make for ourselves and all the confusion that we made for other people when they're trying to help us, i'd go to counselors and psychotherapists and and psychologists and you know i'd love talking with them and they want to fill me full of drugs or uh or i hate talking to them and i just cry the whole session and feel like worse at the end of it and just embarrassed that i even went in to do it because you know I mean my life was so bad and they'd be like well you want to try to get a job and I was like you know they had no idea what how deep these things are I mean a job wasn't going to fix what I, you know, the pistol that I wanted to put in my mouth. I mean, it wasn't a financial insecurity that was, that my life was. I mean it was such a spiritual bottom that I needed, I needed a miracle like my sponsor says. He goes around now and he asks people, do you feel like you need a miracle? And when they say yes, you knows, it's kind of cool. and now I've been around for two years now in my home group and I get to see guys who used to come in and they used to just talk and I wouldn't hear a word they said because they weren't saying anything they were just talking and then suddenly it changes what they're saying and they're talking about you know what's really awesome when you get in here is when you see a guy that was hurting and you see him do something and then you see them wake up and you get a spiritual experience and when he's saying that he's talking about some other dude he's seen but I'm seeing it in him. And that must mean that somebody might have seen it in me because it says in the book, that's how we notice it. We notice other people's lives are taken off and we're going to notice other peoples are going to be noticing us before we do. And it's just these gifts that keep on being given through the fellowship. I mean, I thought that because drinking did a beautiful thing for me chemically in my mind it was I got relief. I mean, I could take a drink and all the tension in my back would just go away that hours of yoga barely touches. And so I needed like a sufficient substitute. I needed a place to where my life wouldn't be as it says in the book, stupid, boring and glum. Coming here to Iceland, I know you guys have got a lot going on here. It's not about being righteous. I see some people back at home in AA that are trying to be righteous on me and I just can't really have any of that. I don't come here to be ... it says again in the original manuscript, no access to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured. That's the methods we find most effective. I come in here and I love having a fun time in AA. I like going out. I love bringing new guys with me and just going and doing different things after the meetings. I always try to show up to the meetings early, bring new guys if I can, if they're looking for a ride, going to the treatment centers and picking them up. Just anything I can do to make, you know, my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous more fun and add to the experience that someone else is going to have. Because it's just, it's awesome to see, you know, a kid get out of treatment. And, you know, when I had no place to go and no one to turn to, no one to talk to, you know, at least he has a chance. He might not stay sober but But at least I've made it the effort and I enjoy me doing so. I think it's Bill's writing on Tradition 5, it's self-preservation, duty and love that fuel my life now. At times I slip out of that and I start getting back into self and my ego and all that. But then I get pulled right back into it and I go to my meeting and I see my friend have a spiritual experience. It's just awesome when I stick around long enough to see a guy that he's not around for six months, and then something happens at eight, and he's still there at ten, and then he's getting his year chipped. And it's like, how did that happen? Did I really stay around this whole time and participate in this whole thing? Because I never finished anything before. And I never could finish school, finish nothing. I mean, finish the booze and everything. But I never maintained the commitments I had. And they made me secretary of the men's meeting there in Anchorage. And, you know, they say you're supposed to be there for six months, and somehow I hung on for eight. and I got to kind of be a centerpiece of something and talk to people about it and be involved in it and be a part of something, not the head, not the tail, just in the middle of it. And when you hear good things about that meeting, someone you invite to and say, hey, I've heard good things about that meet-up or that meeting. And it's like, when I go in there, I know that that's where I belong That's my home group. It's a spiritual place. I mean, it's a sacred place for me to go to a haven. I mean I get all twisted out of shape at any day of the week and I go in there and I sit down and there's someone I know and they're talking about this program about getting a spiritual experience that changes them from being a messed up person that can't stop putting chemicals in their body to someone that's focused on passing on a message of hope. Because for a long time, I didn't have any hope, and there was nobody I could go to that could give it to me, that could transmit it. And somehow these alcoholics were able to uniquely touch me in a way that other people can't. I mean, I have other mentors, but the intimacy that alcoholics have of knowing this when to go so far down just for a little bit of pleasure and relief from a substance. I mean, some people understand that and some people don't. But the ones that do, the ones that understand what I'm talking about, when they're talking about drink Listerine and I'm like, no, but I've inhaled a hairspray. And he's like, I talked to you for three minutes and I know you're an alcoholic. When I can fly halfway across the world and you know meet person at the person at a person and you know have this jive of these steps of this program there this fellowship and not um you know I mean I even I even picked up when on which chapter it was you know with read the same thing in my home group more about alcoholism you know I heard that the cognac and I was like yeah they're naming off different things that I tried to do so we're gonna just drink $35 cognac when I'm on the streets, that'll keep me sober. I'll be better, I'll be the homeless, you know, sophisticated drunk. It was all these different things I tried to do and none of them, you know, they all seemed to mess up somehow despite my best intentions of trying to have a good life. And now, you know life is it's beyond good I mean this this program you know them and you know coming here and I get I get a late I get to stay in that guy's room out where he went but he has all these speaker tapes on the computer and the you know I'm just listening to one after another and listen to him when I'm sleeping and I'm but just as you know a by osmosis and it's um you know wake up and he's talking about you know spiritual experience and it says so cool that to come to a place that's just so um rich with this this message um i've um you know i know that i have a purpose in life now and for you know when i came to alcoholics anonymous i knew i belonged here i knew i had the symptoms but i didn't i didn t you know it talks about the fellowship and it says it'll come but for me you know I wanted I wanted it now and I wanted that day. But it got built slowly. The home group I have was six guys at first, and then there was 55 this winter. So it's happening. It's there. All I've got to do is show up and see where I can add two, and put my hand out to the new guy that's just as hopeless as I was, and just as broken and just a scared. And he doesn't know if he wants to quit drinking. He doesn't if he's an alcoholic. He just, you know, he was just like me. You know, for six months I'd say, I don't know. No matter what she asked me, no matter what it was, I mean all I could utter was I don t know. I was taking handfuls of anti-psychotics and blacking out for 20 hours a day and sleeping for the other, you now, just trying to not even be in reality and I see guys come in you know with that scaredness in them and you know I know what it's I know it's been like I mean and when I start talking about it to them you know they can you know Dave they're like man this you know this dude he's been there that that you know and only us alcoholics seem to understand that loneliness of when we really get down there and really we really lonely and you know there's no one else because we're so distant from God I mean that's what really you know makes us so alone is just being so far from God and we try to depend on people I mean and and then you know somehow you get God and you know then I'm not alone anymore no matter where I go and I don't have to be always talking about myself I don' t have to always you know doing anything you know I can just be and for me you know finally finding peace in any moment or even a few moments put together is what I always wanted in life and it's by coming and working this program of Alcoholics Anonymous that I got that and I thought that it was going to be different things you know my mind here my big voice it always tells me that it's gonna be this over here it's gonna be that brand over there you'll find it in that church over there and you know then my sponsor will tell me why don't you stop and meditate for 15 minutes and see where you're at because the only time that you're going to find god is now there's never going to be a better time for you to get connected to god than right now and that's and that's something that you know all these other people were having a hard time telling me and i call him up and uh sometimes he doesn't say it so nicely as i want him to because you know he says meditate 15 minutes and don't call me back and and you know i just like okay i called him too times today because I like to speed down my phone and yeah I'll pick it up and I'll start in the middle of a thought to someone in AA and they're like you know you have some time sober you shouldn't be you know you should think about what you say before you just start yapping away somebody you don't know where they're at yeah you know I still got a few little things I gotta I gotta work on but this uh but this you know this this is like icing on the cake you know It's like, do I want just to have, I mean, I already got the life that's second to none, but how much better do I wanna make it? How much more do I Wanna put in? How many more people do I Wanna try to help with this? And by coming here, I can't even explain how much just seeing people here and being invited to things like this and seeing so many people just come into a speaker's meeting like this I'm going to have something to talk about when I go home to all these people in my home group and I'm gonna have a really strong message of hope to share that people here have embraced the message that the text talks about that not everybody does I go places and I hear people that don't have God and I feel sorry for them because I'm pretty sure they're afraid because I know that without God in my life, I would be paralyzed with fear. I couldn't have probably gotten on a plane and left my whole life in Alaska that I've never left before. I could have never done that. Even if I was drinking, I mean, I couldn'T even leave my basement. I had a hard time going to get alcohol from the store, much less socks. I mean just, I COULDN'T EVEN BUY CLOTHES. How could I go out and spend time in public? and I was just so uncomfortable with any of it. And now, you know, I frolic around the country and the world and go to different AA meetings and I start trying to complain to my sponsor and he's like, you write papers and people pay you to go to school. He's like your life's good, stop bitching. And I have to sit back and when he puts it like that and I'm like yeah, you got it pretty good and I nod in myself and then I talk to the new guy who's with us and who's trying to figure this deal out and I try to lead him to God as he can understand him. And I try all the different understandings that I've learned about to try to convey that. And I just hope that he picks up on his own. And I tried to just carry this message and if they go out, they go our. I mean, you know, one kid, he's my age, and he keeps on coming in and out. And, you Know, I wish I could, You know, I Wish He Would Stay. But I Know That I Can't Protect Him From Alcohol. I Know I Can'T Protect HimFrom This Disease. I Can Try To Be A Part Of The Fellowship And Introduce Him To This Message And Be An Example Of This. And That'S Not Such A Bad Deal. You know, I love seeing people get sober and I love seeing the spiritual experience but I also like seeing guys come in new and they're hopeless and they're all messed up and I just get to try to talk to them because it's a lot of fun being able to just see somebody that doesn't even know what they want kind of start to figure it out. And then they're able to take that and give it away to someone else. And I mean, I couldn't figure this thing out if I wrote it myself. I mean it was, it's a good deal. I can't, I want to give this thing away because if I was selfish enough to keep this to myself, I mean, I know I'm self-centered, but the gifts that I got here, you know, I didn't really deserve. You know, the life, I always thought I wanted to have a good life and to please people. But, you Know, I did never really, you Now, put in the work to do it. And now, just by showing up to meetings, by doing these 12 steps time and time again, I'm in a different country I never had a passport before and I never got to live life on kind of like the wings of God, I guess because I'm not doing this myself I'm just being a part of it and I can't thank you enough for letting me come here and talk for a while about the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the program I think you guys have vastly more than a sufficient substitute here I'm glad to see this fellowship in this club I've heard a lot about it Thanks Thank you.