The Physical Allergy – Awakening Workshop – Part 11 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Old Town Workshop. In order to be allowed to continue use of the meeting room, there are a few housekeeping items to remember. No smoking or vaping on the property. Go across the street in the back if necessary. Restrooms are located out the front door to your left. Please pick up after yourself. Other groups are in here on Wednesdays, AM, etc. The trash can is located near the entrance. If you have to leave during the workshop, please be quiet when exiting or re-entering. make sure your email address has been submitted on the workshop website bbaworks.com so you can receive recaps of each workshop session and any announcements we have two cans for contribution as everybody knows one is for the media expenses rent and supplies the other is for asl sign language interpreter nightly fee to make the workshop available to those who are hearing impaired which is very important to us materials in the back will be purchased the big book's 12 dollars bba workbook is 10 the question workbook is ten dollars as well i guess i should start off by saying who i am my name is mike and i'm a recovered addict hi mike we're just gonna do a quick recap of what we talked about last week and it was actually the last part but an important part of what we suffer from and that is the physical craving and or the physical allergy and it's interesting because i was going to start when i was gonna do this recap i was gonna go through the moderate drinker, the heavy drinker or user. But I was like, why waste that time? Because none of us are that. If you've gone to, if you got this far in the work and you're still here, I'm guessing that you have the physical allergy like I do. So we just went into what is the real alcoholic. And the one thing that we seem to beat into people's heads around here is that it's not the things that have happened. It's not what we have done when we are using or drinking that makes us an alcoholic or a drug addict, because there is a lot of people who have a lot wreckage that aren't a real alcoholic or real drug addict. You know, it only takes one time of drinking a little too much in a bar, you DUI. You understand? It doesn't make you an alcoholic. And what makes us or makes me the real addict is the physical allergy that once I put that drug into my body that uh i can't stop and i was actually thinking about this um i don't know why but i was thinking about the same way over here i was seeing about sharing this it's just it's it's my story so uh i'll just a little part of it but about what makes me a real addict and you know i had many uh i introduced meth to many women throughout the years you're such a giver i am i am high on the giver well depends on how high i am but anyways um no but i hadn't i had introduced math to a lot of women throughout the years you know and i remember um you know some some even some that were kind of somewhat long-term relationships anything over six months was considered long- term for me but but i had a couple that were actually like a year or two and and um i would have actually have to kind of get mad and almost fight them to do drugs with me because i wanted to get high and have sex like that's what i wanted to do that's how i wanted that's how i said we connected you know but you know what the really fascinating thing to me is over the years and all the women that i had introduced uh meth to not one of them already is an addict not one of them thank god right but it just goes to show me that even a drug as strong as math that i am physically different than them i'm physically different then other other people you know um and that's kind of one of the realizations that we have to come to when we're working on this and why what makes us different than normal people and that when and we put that drink or that drug in our body, we cannot stop. Some people can. I'm not one of them. And I'm just going to share page 21 and then we're going to go into our meditation. And just think about this in the meditation and then We'll continue with some more if there is a solution. And thank goodness there is. What about the real alcoholic or the real addict? Did you start off as a moderate drinker or a moderate user? at some stage of his or her drinking career we begin to lose all control of our liquor, our drug consumption. Once he or she starts to use. Is that your experience? Here is a fellow or a lady who has been puzzling you especially in the lack of his-or-her control. He does absurd absurd incredible tragic things while drinking and using she is a real dr jekyll miss mrs hyde we'll do this for the females too because there's a lot of male talking in here she has seldom mildly intoxicated or high she is always more or less insanely drunk or high is that your experience her disposition while drinking resembles her normal nature but little she may be one of the finest ladies in the world, but let her have a drink for a day and she frequently becomes disgustingly and even dangerously antisocial. Is that your experience? What happens when you start drinking? What happened when you start drugging? Where do you go? Where'd you end up? She has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. She is often perfectly sensible while balance concerning everything except liquor or drugs. But in that respect, she is incredibly dishonest and selfish. And again, what is your experience? That's a physical allergy. That's kind of the little recap of that. And I think we can all agree that if we're sitting in this room, that that is the thing that makes us different from normal people. And that is the thing. That makes me a real alcoholic or a real drug addict. But that's also the thing that we have a solution to. So we'll begin. Wait, I don't want to get Leanne mad. I got you. All right? We're going to be... She knows. She's like, no, this is next. I love you. So we're going to start with the set-aside prayer and then we're going to do five minutes of meditation. All right. We're going to do a set-a-side prayer on the front of our big books that we have wrote on the front page. The mental obsession part is the one we're going to do. God, please enable me to set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience. Help me see the truth about this mental obsession before I turn it into a dream. I already messed that up. Could you guys, in a second, grab the lights? Come back. okay keep me honest on my time i'll watch my clock be kind to people to be tolerant to be you know be helpful more than we even think it's possible and the crazy thing is that each step in this program is about an experiment step one we're conducting an experiment on ourselves and the coolest thing about an experience all we have to do is look at the results so the allergy of the body the first part of our disease i don't have to think about it I don't have to intellectualize it. I just look at my history and I say, did this happen to me? Could I control the amount that I drank? Could I patrol the amount of alcohol that I used? Could I use the amount once I started? And if my experience was no, I could check the box. I could checking the box, I don' t have to think about it. I don''t have to convince anybody about it, it's the truth. this next portion that we've been talking about which is from pages 23 all the way to page 43 and we're going through the end of this chapter tonight but we're gonna go into even more about it the next chapter this mental part of the disease is is beyond words a powerful force in my life that I absolutely cannot combat. The mental side of the disease of alcoholism or addiction brought me to my knees. I knew without a doubt in my mind that stone cold sober to pick up a drink was a death sentence on my life from all my experience for the last 12 years of my drinking and I swear to goodness that I could not put down the drink even for one 24-hour period in the last 12 years. And then, and I'll put this out there and then we're going to read the text. I find myself with 10, 12, 15, 20, 30 days of sobriety and my sponsor asked me at the time, he said, Pat, I believe your story and we've recounted your allergic reaction to the drink and your mental obsession to the drink, and I am absolutely convinced that there is nothing that you can do humanly possible to stop yourself from drinking. How do you account for the fact that you're sitting here with me tonight, this is in Colorado, and you have 25 days sober? That's 25 days more sober than you've had in the last 15 years. how do you account for that how do we account for that that's the mystery that we're going to uncover for the rest of this book and that mystery doesn't stop thank God at just keeping sober what a miserable existence to just remain sober for the rest of my life put a gun in my mouth am I right could you imagine being the same person like I was where the thought of a drink was the absolute only relief I could find in a miserable freaking existence and now you're going to tell me just don't drink no matter what think the drink through just keep coming back till the miracle happens is any of that attractive? it's well intentioned but the reality is unless I explore what the solution is inside of these 164 pages and i sample them i test out what it asks me to test and i find out whether or not it's my truth as god is my witness i have never not once had a sponsor a person i've taken through the work not receive a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps not once that tells me that this spiritual experience that we're talking about that we are going to be going towards is not theory that it's a direct possibility it's an indirect result if I will apply myself to the best of my efforts to be honest and be thorough and be sincere going through this work are you willing to join me in that journey okay Roland Hazard a certain American businessman turn to page 26 I'm going to tell you a story about Roland and you can read it Roland was a rich dude had it all going on in life family came from money he came from many he was in power positions in business in the upper northeast in Connecticut but Roland had our disease Roland could not stay sober so not too far away from connecticut he goes hammering on down to harvard university and he meets a guy named william james sound familiar the name varieties of religious experience william James William James founded Harvard University School of Psychology roland hazard sat down with william james and he said i can't stay sober what's wrong with my mind and william James tried to you know work with him get him in touch with God in a way that was meaningful because William James was convinced it was a God experience but he couldn't figure out how to get rolling over the hump so roland who had a good character high character high morals when he wasn't drinking for years he had floundered from one sanitarium to the other one rehab to the next one detox to the nex anybody have that experience he consulted the best american psychiatrists including william james then he had gone to europe to place himself under the care of a guy named carl young carl jung was a psychiatrist studied under Sigmund Freud. Carl Jung was the preeminent psychiatrist in the entire world. He was the guy. Cognitive behavioral therapy, anybody ever heard of that? Carl Jung basically invented CBT. Animas, anima, you ever heard those terms? Inner workings, archetype, type, ever hear of those kind of things? Inner worklings of the mind, springs, triggers. All of those things, all those terminologies, all well-intentioned for the hard drinker and moderate drinker is great for the cure, but not so for the alcoholic. What was Roland Hazard's experience? So he's sitting, he's working with Dr. Young, page 26, who prescribed it for him. And by the way, that was in 1931. and he worked with Carl Young in Switzerland for a year and he came out of the treatment physically not addicted or not experienced the addiction of alcohol because he hadn't drank in a year. Mentally, he had it all figured out. He understood his mind, what made him happy, what made them sad, what made em angry understood the inner workings of his mind. And Carl Jung did his level best to impart upon him an adequate mental defense against the first drink. What was the result after one year of intense therapy with the best of the best? He drank, exactly. through his experience he made him skeptical Roland Haddon didn't have a whole lot of faith in the doctor community he did finish the treatment with unusual confidence his physical and mental health great order really he believed that he acquired such a profound knowledge of his inner workings of his mind and his hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable is he confident? boy towards the end for me I didn't had that kind of confidence I mean, this guy was, you know, he had, you know, grabbed hold of something that was something I never experienced. But anyway, nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. A year sober and he's drunk. Sounds like an experience Bill Wilson had after trying to figure out all the answers in his life too. Bill didn't have quite a year obviously. He had twos and three months here and there more baffling still roland hazard couldn't even figure out what made him pick up the drink he could not give himself a satisfactory explanation for his fall what was my trigger what environmental condition was going on that caused me to drink was it my business was it the relationship what was it i couldn't figure it out so he goes back to carl young with all sincerity and one thing that rowan hazard and bill wilson had and i hope you have it tonight no one can give it to you except for you rowan hazzard with every fiber in his body and bill wilson with every fibrin his body dr bob with every fibre in their bodies they all had a common experience they wanted more than breath itself to be sober do you want sobriety and recovery tonight Rowan Hazard goes back to Young and he's pleading with him he asks him point blank why didn't recover and he wished that he could recover and regain self control he seemed quite rational in other ways his life was pretty manageable other than his drinking yet he had no control no choice, no power whatever over alcohol why was this? so he begs Carl Young to tell him the truth and here's what Carl Young tells him in a nutshell in the doctor's judgment he was utterly hopeless do you remember when Silkworth told Bill Wilson the same thing to his wife the only hope you have Bill is to be locked up because you're going to probably die of a wet brain or you're going to go insane and you're gonna die of a heart attack during the DTs. Sounds vaguely familiar. Doctor's judgment, Rowan was utterly hopeless. He could never regain his position in society. He would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. And that was Carl Jung's opinion. Interlude, okay, this is the, what do you call it, the intermission. but roland hazard still lives as a free man he does not need a bodyguard bodyguard nor is he confined he can go anywhere on the earth where other freemen may go without disaster provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude does that sound like the same guy i mean really i mean if you look at this thing objectively that's not the same guy that we just read about right had no hope he absolutely couldn't do it we're going to talk about simple attitude in a minute some of the our alcoholic readers may think that they can do well with uh without spiritual help let us tell you the rest that wasn't all roland hazard said to or excuse me dr young said what was the statement before um can you do without spiritual help so let us tell you the rest of the conversation that dr. young had a role in hazard had with dr. Young dr. Jung the doctor said Roland sit down my boy you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic I have never seen one of you sorry souls ever recover ever how many zero how often not to the extent that your state of mind existed as it does in you our friend felt like the gates of hell or heaven hell had closed on him with a claim then he says to the doctor god there's got to be an exception oh yeah there is rolling yes there is there once in a while you may occurring since early times here and there once a while rolling alcoholics like you have had what are called vital spiritual experiences how did uh silkworth put it that one is god okay i mean and that was part of it, but how did Silkworth say it? A psychic change. Vital spiritual experience, psychic change, moral psychology, a complete shift. A vital spiritual experience to me these occurrences, this is Carl Jung speaking, these occuriences are phenomena, unexplained occurrences. I don't understand, I can't link, I cannot connect the dots, Roland. I wish I could. Honest to God, I wish i could. I can't connect the dots to fix you. We have to... We're okay? Jay, we okay? Okay. They appear to be the nature of... This is what you can expect as a result of these steps. I had one of these experiences today at my business. God still... God's freeing me from stuff left and right. This doesn't stop when you go through the steps. It keeps on going for your lifetime. It's the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, attitudes, which were the guiding force of lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side in a completely new, new soil. A new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate these men. In fact, Roland, I've been trying to do it to you, buddy. I've given you everything I've got for the last year and I can't do it. So what does Roland say to him? Well, Roland says, hey, doc, wait a minute, wait a moment. So you're saying that have this spiritual experience. I think maybe I could do this. Many individuals, these methods I've tried, employed, but I've never been successful with an alcoholic like you, Roland. Upon hearing this, our friend was somewhat relieved. This is Roland. We're always looking for a way out. So Roland says to Dr. Young, Hey, I'm a good church member. I believe in God. I go to church. I show up. This hope, however, was destroyed by the doctors telling him that while his religious convictions were very good, in his case they did not spell the necessary vital spiritual experience. So here's what he tells Roland to do. You're in a terrible... You know what? Do you really care if you have the allergic reaction to the drink or the drug or you have a mental obsession to drink or drug if it's not a problem in your life? i had the allergic reaction when i was 14 years old to the drink i had mental obsession from day one at 14 years of age it didn't bug me in a bit when i had to urge to drink what did i do go drink because the ease and comfort given to me was a lot better but towards the end it wasn't so good so the terrible dilemma is i don't want what i have and i can't get rid of what it is that i've got in which our friend found himself and he's had this extraordinary experience which made him a free man we in our turn sought the same escape with all the desperation of a drowning man look inside your heart tonight inside your mind do you have an area in your life if you've been through the work before that you're drowning in? If you've never been through this work and you've ever seen this work create a vital spiritual change in you, are you drowning inside? I was. When I came in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was drowning. I had to have an answer. No matter how crazy it sounded. In fact, I think the people in the first hundred understood that craziness of desperation. Because they put a word in here that doesn't make sense. We seemed at first, what seemed at first the flimsy reed. Wow. If you think about a piece of grass floating on top of the water and you don't know how to swim and you grab hold of that piece of grass, do you really honestly in your innermost self believe it's going to save you? It's going keep you up above the the water so you could breathe a piece of grass we seem to first a flimsy reed has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of god see here's the miracle the first 100 said you're gonna think our solution is as ridiculous as a drowning man reaching out to save himself from drowning by grabbing hold of a piece of grass floating by our solution before you experience it is going to seem that ridiculous does that make sense? does it help? alright William James later on says there's a multitude of ways that people meet God I'm almost done, but I want to give you some background on what this Roland Hazard guy did. What time did we get? It was like 10 after? Okay, I'll be done in five minutes. Can you bear with me for five minutes? Yeah. All right. That's good. Listen to the middle of this paragraph. William James is talking on page 28. He says he wrote a book about how did people meet God. he wrote a book as a harvard professor and his thesis was this all over the world people have a vital spiritual experience with their version of god a higher power the higher power the biggest conception that any human being can have of whoever god is i'm using that term because it's just convenient okay higher power but whoever that god is there are people all over the world getting connected to that higher power in such a way that it fundamentally shifted their entire conception of reality it flipped it on end it turned life upside down and it created radical human beings who became loving and caring and powerful and courageous enduring and had high character how in the hell did that happen? and William James wrote a book about it Bill Wilson had that book in his hands when he went into Towns Hospital last time Roland Hazard had access to that same book because William James gave it to him if what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all it means that whatever our race creed color we are the children of a living creator capital C with whom listen to this closely with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try. It sounds like a flimsy reed on the water. Are you kidding me? Your solution to my problem is a relationship with a higher power that I can't see. I can't hear yes and that relationship has fundamentally shifted my life in ways that I don't even know how to put it into words let me give you an idea I'm going to close off with this the next chapters 3, 4 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 10 and 11 are going to go into what the solution looks like we're still in the evaluation stage am i a real alcoholic am i a real addict i got the allergy do i have this mental obsession that drives me back to the drink from stone cold sober let me tell you about the god that roland hazard got i'm gonna give you a three minute version of this roland hazzard listens to carl young and he says so you're telling me my current god experience is insufficient carl young looks at him says yes because by definition if it was adequate you wouldn't be drinking carl jung writes a letter to bill wilson later on 30 years almost later recounting this experience he had with roland hazard and he was very vague with roald hazard at the time because carl young was worried that he would be misunderstood but what carl young was saying to roland hazer was the following you need to find a relationship with god that fundamentally shifts your center from you to that god that everything in your life for this moment forward is in direct response to that relationship with God, not to yourself. You are selfish, self-centered to the core and unless God of your understanding can remove it, you are going to die. He goes back to New York and he hooks up with a group called the Oxford Group. Incredible story. Oxford Group was not a creed or religion or anything else. They had this simple, childlike belief, and they experimented with the proposition as I'm going to state it. God is findable. He can be found. More than that, God can be experienced in a way that is not religious. and when you experience this god that you find it will change everything and we believe there's some fundamental ways to have that happen it became our steps but it was from the oxford group and it went on to say this God bless you I'll close with this they had a practice that I think gets lost in normal AA rooms and the practice was meditating they had a belief and they tried it out they had the belief that if they sat quietly in a room and ask God a question that God would answer. Sounds like a flimsy read. Are you going to really trust that? And here's what they did. This movement took on like wildfire all over the world up through the early 30s until a couple things happened which we won't go into tonight. But the bottom line is this, a bunch of people in unrelated places all over the world took on this proposition that God could be discovered and God could be communicated with and God can answer the deep-seated longings of that person's heart in a way that changes them vitally forevermore. They would pray, they would listen, and in a notebook they would write down what they think they're feeling inside that god is telling them and then they would see what happened and later on in our step 11 experience it says this we begin to rely on our sixth sense our god experience and we're going to try it out we're gonna experiment with it so i want to leave you with that. I hope that's helpful. It changed Roland Hazard forever, and by the way, two years later, guess who Roland Hazerd met? Ebi Thatcher. And who was Ebi Thacher's best friend? Bill Wilson. And who stood with Ebi Thecher at the podium when he was going to be sentenced to go to an insane asylum for shooting the corner of his roof off? Roland Hazrd. And who did Roland Hazard introduce him to? Sam Schumacher at the Oxford Group in New York City. And what happened to Ebby's life? I got religion. Crazy! Let's try it out. Thanks. so let's have you come up and share on your experience with with just the port this portion of the chapter um which is the second half of there's a solution does anybody have some revolutionary experiences doing the work and answering the questions come on up and share who did the homework okay Gary I'm an alcoholic covered alcoholic there you go yeah this this paragraph on page 27 resonated in my mind very very strong and the reason for that is for the first three years I was like me and I was going crazy I was I was trying to stay sober under my old ideas attitudes and emotions and it wasn't till I went to bed one night because I couldn't eat. I couldn'T sleep, and I was restless. My stomach was in a big knot 24 hours, and I said, this is a bunch of shit. So I took a piece of paper out, followed directions where it says to write, and I did this all without a sponsor. That's how sick I was, but I needed to do it because I read that book so many times, that page over and over and ever again, And I wrote on there, I don't want to feel this way anymore, God. Remove the obsession of this crazy bad thinking, whatever you want to call it. And I went to sleep that night and I woke up the next day and my ideas and my attitudes and emotions were rearranged because people were telling me I wasn't talking, thinking or feeling the same way. And I knew I had grabbed onto something bigger than myself and that was that awakening that I needed right at that moment. So when you hear me talk and I go to meetings, I use that paragraph all the time because this book never made any sense to me until I had the emotional displacement that was talked about. Once that took place, this book meant everything. It was like, this is kind of a religion, but when I read the Bible, it's because I've accepted Jesus Christ. It made sense to be. And AA, when I had that displacement, all the words in the book made total sense to me at that point it was like wow that's exactly what they were trying to tell me when i first got in but i would not listen so that paragraph is probably one of the most powerful paragraphs and i memorized that thing over and over and over again like my driver's license number because it reminds me that i am not the same person i was when I came in here and that's the thing that has helped me so much and BBA has given me in-depth thinking that I never dreamed I could have from the words that are written black letters on the white pages and I just appreciate that so much So thanks so much, Michelle. That was very awesome. Hi, I'm Margaret. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Margaret. And a real addict. Can I put the microphone down? Microphone. Okay, so on page 22, I remember Leanne reading that part about what we're trying to do to stay on the wagon and not get drink or use? And then how did I come back to being off the wagon again and that how common sense and power wasn't keeping me clean or sober. And then on page 23, it's kind of repeated again on the other side when it says some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time But in their hearts, do they really do not know or why they do it? And, you know, it's always been kind of centered around anger and blaming. But why did I do it or why do I keep doing it? And then on page 26, it came up again the same thing. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. So I wanted to bring that up, those three things about powerlessness and the mental obsession of why. And so I wrote in here because it says, therefore, I do believe the main problem centers in my mind rather than in my body. And I'm kind of weird, you know, like I'm one of those educated people that think that I can outsmart the disease, but for somehow I end up never being able to leave these rooms. I've been trying to leave these rooms since 1988 and I am still here because um I'm supposed to be here does that make sense so um is that so I want to talk about is that the subconsciousness in my mind my subconscious mind doesn't know any better and what I'm trying to say here is that I realize consciously I'm an addict but my subconscious brain doesn't know it and it's really hard for me to accept my disease when my subconscious brain that the primitive brain that i have wants to drink and use because that's the basic instinct is always to run to the pleasure center and so i what i'm saying is i actually relapsed and didn't know i had done it just like the book says some of them don't know why they do it why they picked up And I had been testing every day for over three years. And then I graduated from Mount Callister that day, and I tested that day. And then, I'll just say my PO called me up four days later and said, hey, you're dirty. And I'm like, no, I'm not. No way, absolutely not. And then as I thought about it, it slowly came to my mind that I had actually taken a Vicodin and sat there and looked at it and go oh yeah that's a Vicodin and I took it it's like I got up in the middle of night thinking I was taking my thyroid pill and I take this Vicodine instead so that is when I really realized how powerless I was because I end up being thrown in crash for seven months for being dirty and I realized then I was really really truly powerless that I can't think myself out of this disease it doesn't matter how much education I have really doesn't matter how many meetings i go to because i have to keep coming back because that was yesterday i haveと take care of my disease today and um so that's why i think it is an obsession of the mind because yeah you know a lot of the relapsing is oh yeah i'm gonna um when i get all done with this i'm going to go get a motel room i'm Going to have a big fat sack nobody's going to know me i'm Go out to ramona somewhere nobody's gonna know me i'll get a bottle whatever and i'll Get high out there unused and nobody will know and i'l come back to san diego and act like nothing ever happened you know like that that um reservation well you know i'm trying to say that for me i don't always need a reservation to be a conscious reservation because i have to be aware that i have a subconscious reservation going on because my disease never leaves me it lives in me and it's part of me and its bigger than i am so the only thing that i really have between me and my disease is is god and god has taken care of me helps me and i am in a better place than I've ever been in and I have surrendered. And, um, I have been fighting, like I said, for years not to come to these rooms because I wanted to be in denial. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to an alcoholic. I doesn't want this, but you know, there's a lot of things in life. I don't want, cause I'm powerless over people, places, and things, but most of all, I'm powerless over my addiction thank you my name is Travis I'm an addict um fuck it's it's uh nerve-wracking coming up here um but anyways I just want to say I just wanted to I just want to that uh my addiction the disaster that comes from it is is never really planned although I see it coming, you know? I always want to believe that I have more control than what it has over me. And every time I get any type of sobriety, it normally starts out with handcuffs because I can't do it on my own. And I'm just here trying to better myself. That's all I got. All right. Thank you. I've been coming to this workshop since it started, and I keep on hearing about this spiritual awakening and rocketing to the fourth dimension and all that stuff. And I keep thinking, when's it going to happen to me? and I'm waiting for this lightning bolt or this birdie bush. And then last week, Leanne, when you shared, you started talking about living one day at a time, one minute at a type, one second at a times, or just don't drink and all this stuff. And then I thought to myself, I don't think that way anymore. I can go to a restaurant and watch people drink and it's no big deal. And I just don'T crave drinking right now. I'm going to school. I'm gonna see college for AODS. and it's like I don't have time I'm gone something's happening here you know I guess it's not the big boom you know they did here upstairs sometimes it comes slowly and it is like you know life is good I like this Hello, my name is Anthony, and I have been coming here a lot. I'm really nervous. I'm glad I'm here with The Big Awakening. And I have 11 months sober. All right. Thank you, thank you. Really, I know I'm powerless over math. It is a really big struggle in my life. I was an addict. I was... Gruppa. Gruppa! What's your favorite job? Reservation. Thank you. And so I had reservations. Oh, I lived on a reservation. Okay. Gruppa And, yeah, anyway, so anyway, I believe that my higher power was going to help me quit. I thought I could quit on my own originally from the meth, you know, but I learned that through my struggles and my frustrations and everything going through my life, And this was like seven years that, you know, I used and I was doing alcohol. And I thought, I can beat this. I can do this. But I realized that I didn't have the strength for this. I was weak. I couldn't control it. You know, I tried, but inside I just felt terrible. You know? My addiction. I wanted, I really wanted that sobriety. You know ? And I was thinking, you now, I'm a man. I'm an adult. I thought I could do this, but really, you kno? I had to crash, I had hit bottom before I could do that. So after I hit bottom and I lost my apartment, I lost everything. I broke up with my relationship and I was trying to talk to people and I just felt like I couldn't communicate well and my relationship with my brother I lost. I had really low self-esteem, and I thought it was really frustrating. And that was going on for a long time with that struggle, and I was jumping around to different places and just bounced around. I wasn't happy, and was homeless for a while, and I didn't understand anything. I thought, well, I can make this work. I don't care. And then later I felt, you know, taking a look at the perspective of my, and so my father did try to help me about that. No, no, no I can do this, I can this on my own. I'll just focus on me. I was being really selfish and you know, I was really resistant to anybody who wanted to help. I didn't want anybody to like take control of me and I wanted to try to do this on myself. I'm an adult, I could do this and so I tried to work through everything But, you know, I had problems with my roommate and, you know, paying rent and everything. So I realized, OK, I'm an addict, I use alcohol. And I was looking at other people who were using it, but they weren't experiencing the same thing I was. That isn't fair. How does that help? You know, and I was tempted all the time. So anyway, one day I was walking around and I think this was like, oh, so it was during September 11th, you know, in 2000. I was walking around and I was still like living from place to place, bouncing around. And I realized, you know, I started changing a little bit. You know,I really loved using, but I realized I had to quit. And when I realized I was powerless, you know,i realized, oh if I wanted to quit, I have to recognize that I'm powerless. I wanted to stop meth and then I had a daughter and I thought wow I need to make a choice now you know I have a family now so I thought you know I can't use this self-loathing and I didn't want her to hate me as well so I got oh my gosh I gotta be there for my family you know and and they want to be different from for me and that's what i started i just woke up and started this is the journey i wanted to embark on that was great that was good that was good thank you so much you're awesome let's uh thank pat and leanne for an awesome awesome night great information thank you guys I also want to thank you guys for moving up and coming a little closer tonight. That was great. Our next week's assignment is going to be assignment number seven. Oh, wait. Do we want to take a vote to see if people want to double up? What do you think? I know it's kind of like... To do what? Double up on more about alcoholism. Oh, take the... Should we take a boat? Sure, let's go for it. Are you sure? Yeah, that's great. I should have talked to the... Do you want to see how many people are even caught up? Yeah. How many of you are caught up with the homework? Is everybody pretty much caught up? Would you guys like to do only two more weeks of step one or three weeks of step one? Two. Two more weeks in step one. Yeah. Okay. I want to see a show of hands of how many people want more about alcoholism is divided into two. Here. Let me just. Just do it. Yeah. Sorry. All right. Sorry, you guys don't go anywhere. More about alcohol is divided. It's divided into six weeks. weeks we can because there's the second week and more about alcoholism only has two pages of questions and week one has i think three pages of questions so you want to you guys want to do more about because more about alkalism is a lot of stories so are you guys yeah are you guys okay with doing more about alchoholism doing two assignments for next week how many are in favor go big go big or go home okay it is okay so go ahead yeah that's going to be assignments seven and eight we could do it we can do it it gets easier the transcribing it's a little easier it gets a little lighter this is not this is the hardcore in the first step is hard core first first first and second that's what that's the most work it does get easier as we go on We need three people to bring food next week. Can I get a show of hands? Do we already have somebody? Check your email for this week's recap. No, you need them because my commitment is next week, it wasn't this week. So I was heading to be here. Okay, so we do need someone to bring food next time. Can we have a show of hands, three people, to bring food next month? You will be reimbursed. Or even if it's just a person. Thank you for the pizza. About $120. Anybody? Anybody? Going once, going twice? Two people in the back. Sold. All right. Please pick up after yourselves. Please guys, straighten out the chairs as well. All right, let's gather up for the seven step prayer. We're all having steak next week. Guess what?