The Philosophy Degree That Argued Against Higher Power – Nikoleta D.

Okay, wait. Scott, my big book is falling apart too. It's my comfort blanket. My name is Nicolette, I'm an alcoholic. I didn't quit AA yet. I wanted to say a funny story just to get the juices flowing. Me and Beth went to a Starbucks drive-thru this morning. We ordered our coffees. We pulled up, we paid for them, we took the card back, and we drove away. And then sometime about five to seven minutes later on the highway, we're like, where's our coffee? So we did a U-turn. We went back to the Starbucks, wondering what the person in there is going to think about us and if we're going to recognize the laugh that's going to come through the drive-through. and of course I have an experience like this and I'm like, I can't speak they want me to speak they want us to speak we should just leave for New Jersey we should go back home we can't even get coffee we can'T even pick up our coffee order that we paid for anyway, I just wanted to share that because it was so funny it just happened this morning and then Beth got hit by a truck last Friday and she's alive and that's amazing so we have a new joke I don't give a truck this is me being nervous but the truth is I got like two hours of sleep because I was so spiritually charged yesterday because I always get fed in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous with speakers that inspire me and move me and motivate me and speak to something deep inside me that is not of me but is of me, like something in me recognizes the truth in you or God in me realizes the God in you. And I want to put all of these speakers on pedestals, but it's not fair to them. It's just that I admire the God that works through them, right? The things that open my heart, soften my heart. Bring me closer to my heart." This is like really moving stuff. and um you know there's a lot of experience i have with a fifth with fifth steps on the giving and the receiving end of them but i i always go back to the memory of my first fifth step because it was actually the first time i realized that i was in so much trouble i didn't know how much trouble i was i had sensed that i Was in a lot more trouble that this was so much more about than just not drinking and i even sensed in early recovery when i sat in the rooms of alcoholics synonymous how is sitting here for an hour gonna keep me sober like I sense that I didn't have an answer to that and there was something more there was more depth and weight that I needed but I didnít know what that was and I didnís really understand what I suffered from and I didnít understand that the problem centered in the mind and in my interpretation of life it's my interpretation of life and it really needs to be questioned and it Really Needs To Be Examined and I really need to ask myself is that really true because once I believe certain interpretations of how I see things with a certain flavor and agenda what's in it for me what I don't want to lose or what I want to get or what i think I need right maybe I just want it but I say that I need it. I cannot be without it, right? If I don't question this stuff, life is going to show me that maybe that's not the way. And so, you know, I got incredibly fed last night and my experience was that, you know under the influence of alcohol the power of God goes so deep, right. The power of truth is so deep that under the influx of alcohol not understanding what was happening to me in a complete moment of silence Peter talked about like mind is not really involved like some deeper intelligence some higher intelligence is operating it's part of me, it's deep down inside I don't really understand that in that no mind moment of surrender when I talked about my step one experience I now just lost my mind completely And in that manipulated pause, I feel that I've experienced steps one, two, and three. You know, it's funny, we do not, you know, the fifth step, it's the first thing they talk about in the chapter, into action. That means up until this point, i've been in the comfort of my room reflecting observing verbalizing reading praying listening i haven't gone out there i'm not a free-range alcoholic yet i haven'T really taken much action i wasn'T a free range alcohol for four months i was locked down i was in an institution because i was afraid i was going to drink why was i afraid i WAS going to DRINK even though i didn'T have the mental obsession at that time because I knew I was going to drink so I was safe in a lockdown environment then I go into a sober house in Dover New Jersey and I'm lucky enough to that you know God provides everything we need and I meet a sponsor Lena that's still my sponsor to this day like third day in this sober house I was incredibly lucky incredibly lucky that got me right into writing she got she qualified me you know some questions were posed some things were talked about some pages were read I didn't really understand but I listened I trusted her I saw I saw um um freedom in her eyes she was incredibly attractive you know we talk about attraction rather than promotion I mean she was attraction she was attractive you know there was something about the way she stood there the way she looked at me the way he talked that was incredibly attractive to me you know so I listened I trusted her I trusted what she was saying I trusted his suggestions I trusted direction and she told me to sit down with a piece of paper and a four column inventory and start writing and I didn't understand that self manifested in various ways is what has defeated me but I needed to see that I needed of that, and manifestations of self. Some of them are resentment, anger, annoyance, frustration, my arguments with life, my interpretation of life. And I needed to get down to causes and conditions, and I needed really see the obstacles or what was blocking me from living the most honest life, which when I live an honest life I get to travel lighter. I travel lighter when I live in an honest way. I want to be lighter because when I'm not lighter, I'm prone to want to have, I want a little bit of light and I want get relief. I got to get relief from self. My stories about myself and you, my stories about life and my interpretation of the things in the past, what I need, what I want, the chatter, the non-stop chatter I mean when I drank the wheels of my mind stopped spinning I need to put my attention somewhere other than my mind I need to put my I don't know how to do that when I come into recovery I don' t know how to do that so you know in the process of the fourth step it was like write every day and pray because I got into this contract right I agreed to get into a dialogue with this higher power of its understanding because I didn't understand it for sure but I believed that there was something there that was working in my life it didn't matter what it was my mind would blow any concept out of the water I mean, I have a philosophy degree with a thesis that there's no God like, I'll argue the thing pointlessly because from the neck up reason and logic and loopholes and shortcuts and like, we can convince ourselves of anything we can question it infinitely right but thinking and an experience are two different things, right she was talking about an experience how does this feel you know get real like the fourth step it required a level of honesty that I'm only capable when I'm in incredible amount of pain when the gift of desperation is present I don't get willing willingness was present I can't make myself willing I mean not that I know of this is where I'm at now maybe five years from now this is going to sound different if I'm around, I don' t really know what tomorrow brings it's the truth but I needed to be willing to tell the truth I worked with my life I think I talked yesterday that my life was perfectly designed for me to wake up and have an awakening and discover the depth of my own being that it's not of me and it's very inclusive of all of you I needed to work with the blueprint of my ego and how I've set the life to be so the fourth step was an opportunity to really take a look at what's driving it wasn't so much about what I did it was where that came from like what was the motivating factors behind my behaviors like why did I do things that I knew were wrong why did i do things that i didn't want to do how come i put myself in these situations how come things didn't work out how come I changed my mind how come am I justifying or rationalizing something that I kind of knew it's wrong you know the book talks about the mental states that precedes a relapse let's talk about mental states that precede cheating stealing skimming off the top rationalizing, I can rationalize anything I'm very good at deceiving myself I can be very deceitful very delusional I'll rationalize anything because I don't want to confront some kind of pain or some kind of fear that's driving it because fear, it's a thief we talk about fear being a thief it robs me it roBS me fear roBS me of an experience like this if it's up to me and my fear I would never be standing here and speaking, allowing myself this experience and whatever lesson I need to see from that from facing it, from walking through it from smelling it, marinating in it digesting it, being with it getting a little closer to it what do you want to tell me? my life is a perfect blueprint of my ego the resentments, the fears, the harms I need to get in touch with pain and you know there's a transformative piece in the fourth step inventory that like goes from like this rigid thinking I'm right, righteousness, pride you know anger, resentment, frustration annoyance, complaint blame all these tools of the mind all these rules of the ego softening the heart I needed to drop from the neck down I don't know about anybody else but I needed to drop from the neck down I couldn't afford to be like that anymore I couldn' afford it I can't afford it I can' t afford to sit in resentment or anger or fear for too long I can feed that thing it blocks me it paralyzes me it disconnects me. It dries me up. It starves me. I knew I was willing. She said, right? I wrote. I didn't know how. I don't know what. But I was sincere. And I had a prayer. I just want to see some truth. I just wanted to see something true. That was my fourth step prayer. Show me. Show me what I need to see. And my mantra today and often has been, what do I know that I don't want to know? What do I Know That I Don't Want To Know? Like some part of me knows, but I avoid, right? I can't look. It's too painful. Like I escape, I avoid. Don't look there. Don' t look there you know I want to control the outcome because I'm afraid so I'll come up with different strategies and walk around it and back up and come forward and all of the variations that I play God with life and I keep hitting walls and I keeps like not making it happen and a few times that something happens I think that I'm to be credited with it and then I'm like oh that worked you know when I tried to manage you know Scott talked about manage when I manage life when I manipulate life, when I'm manipulating life when I am wrestling satisfaction out of life, what's in it for me where is mine I remember asking myself if I was stuck in an elevator with a bunch of people from my inventory how would I feel would I be able to look them in the eye would I feel free would I fell light what is about that that I'm running away from if I put myself in these jams in these setups and ambushes like what is it that brings me to this place what decisions have I made in the past that later put me in a position to be hurt what are my driving values you know so i show up for a um fifth step with the inventory i've written to the best of my knowledge praying every day sitting in silence sitting in in two minutes of silence where i pretend after 30 seconds that i'm still silent but it was such a great exercise that she presented to me, my sponsor said, sit for two minutes. Doing what? Nothing, just sit. Sit for two moments. Two minutes. Bring attention anywhere other than your mind. Just come be here. And at 30 seconds I would be cheating. It was great to fail at that because that showed me something. all of my failures I think I have to do all this perfectly but actually showing up and making a genuine effort is an exercise in itself that shows me so much it was good for me to see I've never questioned myself I don't know what I'm feeling I don' t know how to verbalize it it was very good And then I have this inventory that I did to the best of my ability within a short amount of time with a fifth step that's already booked. And that's all that's done for the day. Nothing else is booked for the Day. We start early in the morning in the comfort of my little room in a sober house where I'm living, which was so great. It was so good. and she came to me because I didn't drive and I didn' t have a cell phone yet I was very broke and she came early in the morning and we sat down and I had my inventory and I remember shaking I remember being scared I don' t really know what I was scared of sharing this with someone for the first time, getting real with another human being for the first time, being rigorously honest for the first time in my life. This is the first person that I'm going to reveal myself in the most vulnerable and raw way with no agenda and no idea on what just being real, just go for it. All the nook and crannies of my past and all the ways that I am secretive and that I lie things I've done that bring me shame and regret that I don't want to look at and I don' t want anybody to know because I'm afraid what you're going to think about me that you're going to reject me that I'm not good enough that I' m not worthy enough there's an experience when we're writing I had this experience during the process of writing a four-step like things were seen like just in the in the exercise of writing but then there was something I you know what I don't have the words for it it's like magical I don'T I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS I DONT KNOW WHATHAPPENSI DON'T KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO SPEAK ON IT BUT I I DON't KNOW IT'S IT'S MAGIC SHE SAT THERE AND SHE HELD A SAFE SPACE IT WAS LIKE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE WAS coming out of her she wouldn't she was an example of real love you know and i felt safe enough to share all of these things that i discovered in my inventory and from the exercise of talking in this very honest way there was an experience any tremendous experience of humility in this like confessional element of the fifth step there was a softening that that occurred It was like that moment called for more honesty. The mind got quieter. Just the mind was less chatty. I remember a moment where she just, I remember it clearly. It was, like, a moment. She sat there completely present and quiet with the deepest of eyes looking at me. and I was like rationalizing some resentment and at some point I heard myself going blah, blah, bla, bla I saw the futility of it I saw it was pointless I saw there was just chatter It was like the experience of the fifth step was dropping me more into the heart and I got more in touch with this hurts it hurts when i move like this it hurts when i come from this place you know like um it created a more honest conversation with my own self yeah it's like a couple that's that's you know arguing you know you did this you said this you did this it's very surfacy right surface conversation what do you really want to say what is the most honest thing you want to say to this person in this moment, I feel disconnected from you. That's all that's happening. But the mind will interpret it in a million ways. Tons of chatter, someone to blame, something should have been done differently, there's some sort of an argument about what you did, inventory, your inventory, my inventory, how I move as opposed to how you move, like this is of the mind that's complicated. It's like a moving target. Can't record that, Roger. Have to be present for that one. It forced like a more honest conversation and the first person that I get to like do that with is my sponsor and this God that I'm building a relationship with this truth, this love? Like what would this look like through the eyes of love? What would love say? It's very freeing. It's a very free thing. You can't deny it when you have an experience like that. It's very freeing. It's incredibly light. I'm supposed to read a little bit on the fifth step. Wow. So why do we share it with a sponsor? Because in actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Why? Because I'm incredibly good at deceiving myself and lying to myself. And the book warns me if I skip this vital step, vital meaning life-giving, I'm sure to drink or we may not overcome drinking. So it's life-giving step. It's a life- giving step. It connects me on a deeper level to rigorous honesty that is required. I need to be real. I need to get humbled. I needs to see that my way doesn't work. I need to see my arguments are pointless that I have with reality. I need to let God be God. I need to let reality be reality. I need to start developing a trust. There were experiences I had in the fifth step that you see our troubles are of our own making. I set the stage. It's like a setup and an ambush. It's like I have, I get hurt or I get threatened and then I blame you for it. And I find some kind of in the, in my mind, like reason to blame you por it and then pin it on you. But what happened is that some sort of fear showed up. Something got, something unresolved, something that wanted review, something that want my attention. It was knocking on my door. And instead of like asking it, being with it letting it inform me I blamed you for having it my dad my mom my lovers my sister shouldn't have done that shouldn't have said that why do they do that and we're like you know like you know normal people are like acoustic guitars were like electric guitars like you looked at me the wrong way I'm thinking all kinds of things like I sit in silence at a meditation retreat next to somebody we don't talk for an hour we don't move. The stuff in my head about the person next to me, I mean I should be arrested for thinking like this. I shouldn't be allowed to live. Like there's a whole virtual reality in my mind. Nothing's happening. The only thing that's happening is I'm sitting. I'm SITTING on a mat. Nothing else is going on. I am sitting on a map. I have taken an inventory of every sound and every person around me that I have never even met. That's what my mind does. It takes me away from this moment, takes me way from truth, takes away from reality. I need to inventory the mind. I need inventory that as a tool to live my life. Do I want that to inform my life? Do I want my mind after I see the blueprint of it, that ego, do I want to rely on that? Will I trust that maybe a little bit less as a result of this process? Can I free fall into the unknown? What would it look like to not know what's around the corner, to recognize the truth that tomorrow is not promised, that an hour from now is not promise, that every moment is precious, that this might be my last, period. What would look like for me to be with that. And you know, like in a fifth step, you recognize that you've betrayed yourself, your deeper self, capital S. You know when our heart hurts, like our gut hurts? When that awakens, when that wakes up, when your heart wakes up? When you recognize that you hurt them and you regret it sincerely. You're like, oh, that hurts. Like, I can't even face it. And I need forgiveness. I want forgiveness. How can I not give it? How can they not give me forgiveness? How can we not give them forgiveness? How can you not give forgiveness? them or have an argument when by the fourth column I recognize how I've moved, the great equalizer. How about is it real or imaginary? How about when I sat down, when I saw in fears that I had opposite fears? How can you have two opposite fears?" It's like, this is like mind-blowing stuff for me. This is like, you know, just these moments. There were just these moments, there were moments and they were so significant that they like changed something within me without my permission without me knowing I was just available maybe at the time I'm so grateful for that like I don't deserve that I didn't talk to my dad for 10 years because of our resentment this is the stuff we do this is what like my mind is capable of I need to be careful with that I need really be careful with that I broke my own heart. This is why we're heartbreaking, in a trance, deluded by self-seeking. I step on the toes of others. I block myself from the sunlight of the Spirit. I don't trust. So I can't show up in a real way when I don' t trust. When I'm driven by fear, I'm not very honest because I have an agenda. Anytime I have an agenda, I have a plan. I want a certain outcome. I can't be honest because I want it to go a certain way. My mom and my sister don't talk for years. It pained me when it started happening. This is the only two family members I have. And I was in so much pain and I found myself manipulating the conversations on the phone and I would be coming to my sponsor and be like why am i i'm in so much pain and i had this like idea that you know love wins and spirituality and they should be talking and and then there was this recognition like that's my agenda what do i know that they should be talking like even even ego will hide like behind like spiritual stuff it will like show up like that's like oh yeah love they should be talking but i'm really coming from a place of judgment and that's my agenda like i want them to be talking life doesn't want them to be taking their perception of their of what's going on between them is not my perception of what's it's a simple simple thing that i see in in a fifth step and i see patterns of that and then I see the mind's strategies to keep itself alive and keep itself in the game and manipulatively like direct my life I'm sorry, thank you Peter yeah, I'm not very ladylike I didn't drink ladylike some things don't change So yeah, there was this experience. It was a very long fifth step, the first one. And I remember not even the last thing on my mind was drink, was a drink. It wasn't even the least thing on me. The last thing in my mind. This is why it's an experience you can't miss. You don't want to miss. You shouldn't miss, and I know the book says that about other things, but absolutely cannot skip this vital step. We need to be willing to get raw and to get vulnerable, to get naked with someone. We start with the sponsor. We start mit that first person that's an example of something that's safe for us to be with. We trust that first, and we trust where they're at, and we just follow the direction. And something magical happens that's not of our doing but as a result of both of us showing up. she showed up completely willing I showed up completely willing in the seeking of that experience something magical happened that's why it has to be an experience it's an experience and it's magical it needs these ingredients this kind of intent and this kind of attitude that I bring into it and this willingness to have a relationship with a higher power. Even if I don't understand it and I can't conceptualize it and I cannot hold it, but you cannot hold love. Show me love. Show it to me. Point to it. So whatever I needed to use for that relationship that I was building for that higher power that Iwas building a relation whatever I needed to use to relax the mind stepping into the unknown you don't get more infinite than that I needed something super broad and that's why oh I love this we think the reason is they never completed their house cleaning this is really good this is really, really good. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought that they had humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough of, and this is really the promise of the fifth step, humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense we We, who, AA, we find it necessary. That means essential until they told someone else all their life story. Until they told somebody else all of those things that you don't want to tell somebody else. That's a stepping in. That's courage. That's the stuff I do because my life depends on it. I would only do that because my live depends on that. And it's so true, if I have an issue with any step, there's a step one experience that wasn't fully experienced. Scott talked about it yesterday. There's a problem with step two, there's a problem mit step one. I haven't seen the problem. I'm not going to seek a solution if I don't know what the problem is. I have to be clear on the problem with every fiber of my being. and I can't build this radical spiritual stuff on an iffy, iffy nonchalant maybe let's see conclusion of step one I need to be chased by step one to do stuff that I would not do I wouldn't do this God does this for me I get to have this experience I get to be changed by this experience. I get to have experiences that are not of the mind. And I need those experiences so that I can trust something other than the mind. This is how I get too. Trust that more and more, and develop faith. more than most people the alcoholic leads a double life he's very much the actor and the director and the producer to the other world he presents his stage character yes i want to be seen a certain way and i want i would like to think of myself in a certain way i think of myself in a certain way also right especially when i don't want to get in touch with any wound or question mark this is the one he likes his fellows to see he wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it i know something i don' t want to know now try living a life with that it's it's kind of simple right i mean the book says the same thing over and over and over and again. And it's always fresh, and it's always like there's a complexity to it which is what I love about the big book and it just like makes me so passionate when I read it. And I always see it with new eyes but if I break it down it's saying the same things over and over and ever again. Me controlling my life doesn't work. I'm not in charge. I know it, but I pretend I don't know it. I know I don t have control. I m completely powerless. I know this at some deep level. The moment I started thinking as a kid, I knew this. I spent the rest of my life avoiding that truth. AA forces me to yield to that truth and as As a result of that and trusting what happens when I do that, I get to have an experience of something carrying me. And once I have the experience of Something Carrying Me, I'm reminded that that thing carried me even before. I had a full-blown religious experience at the age of 12. No one was around me to validate it. I completely shoved it. Never talked about it. Never said it to anybody. Was going to become a nun. full-blown like I mean crying for three days heart open in pain watched the Jesus movie couldn't believe what he did what he was an example not a religious household don't go to church don't read really like just I don't know I got hit 12 years old didn't tell anybody nobody around to validate it for me you know go on the street corner sniffing glue all right peer pressure want to be cool. Everybody else is doing it. Whatever. Smoke a cigarette, 12 years old. Shoved that thing. Used to look at the stars. There was a mystery about it. It was very attractive. It's very beautiful. I knew there was something out there, but I did not like it. It brought me closer to some wisdom, but i couldn't verbalize it. Shoved it. it took me to come to Alcoholics Anonymous to see truths that were present even before Alcoholics Anonymous before my mind decided to try to exert control because it's scared because I'm really really scared because I don't know what's going to happen to me because life is short because I have no idea if I'm going to wake up tomorrow because I don't know if he's going to leave and I don' t know if I'm going to make it and I dont know if i'll have and yet when I didn't have I was taken care of I have experiences of being hungry and getting food I have experience of being homeless and getting a place I have experienced of not having enough money and finding it not stealing it, finding it it finding me that in those moments whatever was needed was provided fifth step brings me into all that it just wakes all that up in me it gets me from the neck down it shows me that certain character defects and manifestations of self that I give praise to and I think that they're going to see me through life are actually not working and are actually disconnecting me and are actually creating loneliness and are actually creating a separation from me and my fellows. I want connection, I want to get closer to you, I wanna feel good with you,I wanna feel safe with you I wanna be honest with you. Iwant you to love me unconditionally I need to love you unconditionally, Iwanna be accepted I needto accept you. This is what I really want Iwana be real, I wana be honest, I don't wana be tight Can't record that The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. And my sprees, you know, could be judgment sprees resentment sprees shopping sprees you know playing spelling bee on my phone at night when I'm super nervous sprees and you know sex sprees money sprees we do a lot of this this sticky stuff for us alcoholics and human beings in general, sex and money. I'm still in the sober house where I came to 16 years ago. I'm very lucky and blessed to have lived with 2,000 alcoholics and addicts. We're all individual, unique personalities, children of God, but I no longer see or hear much original stuff. And what shows me that also is being on the receiving end of fifth steps. Every fifth step I listen to, and I've listened to a lot of fifth steps. There was a time in my recovery that they called me the queen of fifth steps. I don't deserve it, and i didn't earn it. But for some reason, I received that. And I recognize that I have been blessed, blessed to have been asked to listen to a lot of five steps, including men's fifth steps, fifth steps of women with more time, fifth steps in a group setting, not just the women that I have worked with and each fifth step brings me closer to the truth of my own fifth step or the things I need to see or I recognize manifestations of self you have them, I have them you got the alcoholism I have it's one alcoholism manifesting itself as a resentment fear, selfishness dishonesty, self-centeredness self-seeking behaviors harms done to others which are inevitable when I operate from these places when I'm trying to protect something or I have an idea that I'm a separate self coming to my senses I'm revolted at certain episodes rage sprees, anger sprees resentment sprees lust sprees that I absolutely remember, not vaguely remember and I want to forget and I don't want to be found out and I'm embarrassed these memories are a nightmare I tremble to think someone might have observed me as fast as I can I push these memories inside myself I hope they'll never see the light of day I'm under constant fear and tension what is it like to live a life under constant fear and attention You don't have to be an IA to answer that question. We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in the world. So I choose my sponsor who I trust, who I'm willing to do... I have a sacred contract with my sponsor and I have this sacred contract with God that's already happened in the previous steps and in this relationship I'm going for, and I'm all in. I need to go all in, get naked, emotionally naked, be real, lay it all out, and the most amazing things happen. They've done it too. They felt it too, they can relate to it. They tell you the things that don't make sense. I mean, things came out of Lena's, you know, Lena to me was like this angel, you know like when we're recovered, you know people come up to me and say I can't believe you were the kind of drunk that you talk about being. I'm like, that's the greatest compliment that God can get or Alcoholics Anonymous can get. That you don't even see me as somebody that drank like that. That you can't even say that you're an alcoholic. You can't see me als an alcoholic? You believe me I'm an alcoholic, but you can see that. And in that way, I've seen Lina when I met her, right? And there was a humanness, a human exchange of how we try to survive in this world that seems so big and it seems so scary when we're not relying on a higher power. When we don't come from the spirit, when we don' t come from the truth. We don' T come from a deeper place. So I don' t get to see how when I come from a deeper place or a more honest place that life takes care of itself. Steps just show up in front of me. Doors just open up. Each moment dictates the next moment. It's like amazing how that happens when I'm tuned, when I am in tune. Less mind. Get your attention away from the mind. That is what the meditation practice has been for 15 and a half years. most people sit in silence but they're thinking breathe pay attention to the heart going up and down stomach going up and down, your gut notice that you have a knee get your attention away from the mind being Beth talked about being so well direct my attention to what you would have me be and then when I get in the place of being more truth gets revealed has been my experience and when I got in touch with the harms I've created and the things I have done especially after seeing my other inventories I naturally regret them something in me hurts that you have been hurt something in be hurts that you had been hurt because that's how The heart speaks to us, right? Not the mind. What's in it for me? But like when I open the heart, when the heart opens up, when something else takes over, when something is in the heart and something else is invited also to show up, it moves in a totally different way and we've entered the world of spirit. We're like trying to radically be changed by this and be transformed. at first opportunity is the timeline I don't postpone or evade mechanics of the fifth step I dedicate a whole day to it all day, I don' make any other plans afterwards, I'm prepared I know it's a life and death errand I may be scared but I'm willing to step into the unknown I've done the third step prayer every single day by this point it's operating, it's working I can rely on it the fear will still be there the habitual fear will still be present so I waste no time and the book talks about that and I'm prepared for a long talk and the books talk about that and I need to ask myself do I know this is a life and death errand and I pocket my pride and I go to it There's no space for pride. It's not about, look at me, look at what I've done, the story of me. It is not self-absorbing. The good thing about the fifth step is your sponsor will also hopefully show you that your fourth column shouldn't be a better version of your second column like some self-improvement project. Look, I'm working on myself. I've seen this. I've seen this, I've experienced this, I've done this, I've heard this, I've been present to it where we write inventory to improve ourselves. Like I'm doing it. I'm going to see something and for me it's always been really about dropping down. Drop down, right? Let it inform you. Show up for it. Feel the pain of some way that you have been living we can look the world in the eye this is actually what happened after the very first fifth step which I did at six months sober living in a sober house not knowing what I'm doing with as much sincerity as I could the fifth step ended and there was a quiet hour it was the first time in my life that I sat in silence for an hour I didn't know that having that experience would be so important I didn' t know that there was something incredibly empowering about it it was incredibly like awakening about it it made me feel incredibly alive I felt power I felt powerful after a fifth step I was exhausted, but I was like spiritually charged. This was my experience. I could look anyone in the eye. Anyone. I felt light. I felt physically light. These are the fifth step experiences. I did the best I could in the most honest way I could with as much raw honesty as I could muster at the time. And even though there was some maturity and innocence about it at the time, it was honest. And God wants honesty, life-like response to deep, true honesty, no matter how simple it is. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Yes, our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. It was incredibly strong, and I knew, oh my God, this is so much more than not drinking. It was really at the end of the fifth step. I heard it in the rooms and read it in book, but I didn't get it. I didn' t get it at that time. But it was after a fifth experience, fifth-step experience, and seeing the blueprint of my life and willing to look at these inventories from a different angle that I recognized, oh, my God. I'm in so much trouble. And I make the trouble. I need to be very careful. We feel we're on a broad highway. How broad is a broad hallway? It's very inclusive. I had a very expanded feeling, expansive feeling. Very expansive feeling, my heart was open as a result of a fifth step experience, a result of that humility that was present during that process. Because now I had an experience of humility not being so scary. And returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour carefully reviewing what we have done. And I thank God from the bottom of my heart that I knew him better because I've had this experience, right? I'm developing, I'm creating this relationship and I'm seeing what's possible when I show up and when I follow the directions and when i'm honest and i practice this some certain spiritual principles that i don't even know are spiritual principles right i just show up in a more authentic way as a result i'm given tenfold and i go over the first five steps and i really ask myself in this meditation and in this prayer and this moment of gratitude and in marinating in that humility and in facing my fears and letting them out and seeing some stuff and seeing how it made me free as a result of that, right? And I answer it to the best of my ability and if something comes up, I call my sponsor and I call myself and I answer my sponsor anyway after the hour and I remember that first time after that hour i i was okay with continuing to be quiet in my room that expansive feeling where i was in the body too not just in the mind like i embodied like there was an experience i was i was feeling it was very freeing it was verilating nothing's changed that was another thing that I realized. Nothing has changed in my life from 8 in the morning until 6 p.m., but I was completely changed. I was completely changed, life looked different downtown Dover and the crooked sober living room with the floors in the house and the guy that just came out and didn't fly Like, it all looked different. I was different. Oh, I can't see. Oh. Oh. And thanks for letting me share. Thank you.