The Phenomena of Craving and the Truth About Controlled Drinking – Deb H.

About This Speaker Tape

Akron, Ohio, 1986. A sophomore in high school is crossing the railroad tracks to buy fifths of vodka from men who don't ask for ID. Deb H. describes a childhood spent on high alert, raised by a violent father whose resentment was a lifelong sport and whose alcoholism was a physical deterioration of gout and cirrhosis. At nine years old, she discovered that alcohol was the only thing that let her shoulders drop from her ears and silenced the terror.

She details the "phenomena of craving"—the thirst that grows with every drink—and the wreckage of a life spent manipulating people to increase her access to the bottle. After a failed attempt to drink herself to death and a stint in a locked treatment unit in Cleveland, she found herself dragged into a church basement with concrete floors. She didn't want a roadmap; she wanted a drink. But through the grit of the program and a Higher Power, she stopped chasing the release and started staying in the middle of the rooms.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Deb D. opens with gratitude for returning to Joplin, MO.
• 4:15 Laughter: Story about an old-timer who initially ignored young people in the home group.
• 11:30 Description of her father's untreated alcoholism and his behavior in an older folks' apartment building.
• 16:45 The first drink at age nine: seeking an answer to why alcohol was so important in her house.
• 23:10 The 'wrong side of the tracks' and the physical toll of drinking a fifth of vodka a day at fifteen.
• 30:40 The experience of being forced into a locked treatment center in Cleveland.
• 38:15 Entering AA against her will and the friction with old-timers like Max S.
• 45:20 The 'controlled drinking' experiment: Max S. gives her five dollars to go out and prove it doesn't work.
• 52:10 The 'donut shop' education: learning the language of the heart and the Big Book outside the meeting.
• 1:02:15 Working the 12 Steps: the transition from fear of the inventory to a relationship with a Higher Power.
• 1:15:40 The spiritual crisis and breakup with Lee L. over the need for a shared prayer life.
• 1:28:30 Grief and recovery: processing the death of Lee L. and the support of the fellowship.