The Personality Change Sufficient to Bring About Recovery – Sandy B.

My name's PJ, and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, PJ. Hey, Joe. I think that today I ain't meeting us. I'm a singer for the band tomorrow night, but I'm going to say I'm on Alcoholics Tonight. That's a joke. Well, let me see. James, my sponsor, and Woody were in treatment together, I think about seven years ago at Tupelo, and had a treatment center called the Extra Mile. And so that's how they got to know each other, and then Woody on one of his steps down there. He was in Tupelo, and I got to him that way, and he's a good guy. I thank a lot of Woody. You know, we came down. This is my wife who came with me, Andrea. And, you know, just by her being here tonight. Well, I celebrated a year on September 6th. Yay! Amen. I don't think that one fit in my coin holder. Anyway, I had a year of September 6. And my dad and stepmother and wife, they all surprised me and came to the meeting. But just them three being there is proof that people can change and we can do shit different, if you all don't mind me letting one slip every once in a while. Anyway, I was supposed to tell you what it's like. I mean, what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. So I'm going to sum that up by reading from page 485 in the back of the big book. It says, I wanted to feel at peace with myself and comfortable with other people. I never found that in drinking. The belonging I always wanted, I have found in AA and in sobriety. I don't think about drinking God is there, my sponsor is there all the credit belongs to God on my own I could not have quit I know it, I've tried let's see I ask Jay I've always heard people say don't even think about what you're going to say and just before you get there try to get out of the way and let God speak through you And the only thing that you'll hear me say that I come up with on my own tonight is my name's PJ and I'm an alcoholic. Everything else, everything that I am, good and bad, I've got it from past relationships or certain type people. And I'm the type of person that I turn into whatever crowd I'm around. You know, if I'm among good people, I'm going to act good most of the time if I'm around bad people I'm gonna blend right in with them too you know so I've got to be careful of who I'm around you know cause I put good in good's gonna come out, I put bad in it's like feeding that inner spirit you know I thank God for AA and God led me to AA he led me into God however you want to look at it And, you know, I have a totally different perception of God now than I did a year ago. A lot different than I had 10 years ago. You know, my God was, I grew up in church and, you Know, I just never really felt like I could be honest with them or open in church, you Now, because I felt that judgment, you Know, where y'all are my people, y' All my type folks and y'All know what I mean when I say that, you know, I'm not going to open up to you if I think you're going to get on my ass or you're going to judge me and all that. You just silenced me. You know, so I couldn't open up in church. And my stepmother, they're a primitive Baptist. And I'm not up there for anything about religion or anything like that, but my sponsor told me And he said, you know, I don't care what your greater power is really, but just call it God. You know, you can be a Buddhist or whatever you want to call it. There's only one God. I mean, God's God. God's everything. God's nothing. And, you Know, I see that a lot, a lot clearer today than I ever have. Oh, yes. My first time speaking to you, by the way. I'm going to get one of the trucks tomorrow night. Anyway, I grew up on my sobriety day, September 6th of last year. Like I said, I just celebrated one year. And my home group is in Saltillo, Mississippi. We moved to Gunsham, which is the neighbor city, back last year And, you know, I think I've got the best home group in the world. You know, a lot of people say if you don't believe that, then you need to find yourself another home group. You know I love the people there. They're my brothers and sisters. You know they're the people that will come see me and call me when I'm in the hospital or if they heard from me in a couple days. You know my dad, stepmom, brother, sister, I might talk to them once or twice a year. you know but I'm it's you know I can't do this on my own I tried I tried I tried and um you know I know y'all heard it said my best thinking landed my ass right up here tonight so you know I I worked all day today I do construction work so I worked all day and uh came rushed home and took a shower packed up and drove three hours down here. And, you know, that's not really what I, I mean, if I have to be honest, I don't have to do it, I don' t have to. I don''t have to, but I have to be on this. You know, a program teaches me that, too. But, you Know, this isn't, I mean... You know? I didn't really want... I wouldn't have picked this if I had it on my calendar, you know? But I know if I want to grow, if I wanna turn into, You know, anything close to what I think I want to be like, I've got to get uncomfortable. And, you know, I gotta be willing and I've gotta be open-minded. And that's the three things that's indispensable, so they say. And, I'm seeing more and more, I see that to be true more and now. Anyway, back to what it was like. I grew up in a, my parents divorced early. And I really don't even have any recollection of them being together. But it was a nasty, nasty divorce. My dad had an affair and my mother found out. So, you know, I think I was six or seven. And I can't remember much at all about my childhood. My mother died in 99 and I can't really remember much about her, you know. And nobody's ever loved their mother as much as I love my mother. But she almost loved me to death. You know, it was, I did whatever I wanted to when I was with her and she would scare me about if you don't do this I'm going to send you to your daddy's. your daddy's you know so so you know i had that i had that fear of authority from an early age and that effect you know that abandonment issue and uh you know my my mother was a big you know i love her with all my heart but you know she she tried she did the best she could um you know she my brother he lived there when my dad when we moved And my mother, you know, I don't blame her. I don' t know what I'd have done. You know, she didn't want to lose me too. So I got to do whatever I wanted to do. And, you know, that's not the way I want to raise my child. But anyway, I didn't do a very good job of raising my child either. You know so anyway, all that happened and they divorced and my mother and my sister myself, we moved to Memphis. My brother lived there with my dad in New Albany. He's a teacher and a coach. He has been for going on 20-something years. For whatever reason, I would quit a job, not having another one. I had two of the favorite dogs I ever had. I got rid of Both of them. If that says anything about your personality. It's easy for me to love something, but it's hard for me to stay steady through the years. But anyway, so on my seventh grade Christmas, I came home and I always hung out older people and um you know i came home and i just throw up all over they had to be carried downstairs it's the same like christmas i mean everybody's there and you know i've come in just staggering had to get carried downstairs throw up all over me so you know that should have i blacked out from the beginning you know drinking i drank to forget um i drank and not not deal with you know time out of mind that's that's what i wanted and you know because and and by doing that i think i stopped my cheering emotionally when i started drinking you know that was that was my first spiritual experience you know, that that changed my personality when i started drinking it it changed who i was forever and you know that took me a while to to even wrap my my head around that, you know, because I'd always hear my stepmother say, I just wish you were the little pitcher on the mound that we used to have. You know, and I'm like, shit, that's the hole's gone. You know? I'm not the same soul I will be a year from now. You know. And that's comforting. You know six months from now everything could be different. You know there's nothing that I can really do about that. but I damn sure can't do anything about 10 years ago. So, you know, the program teaches me I need to make the best of what I have right now and be grateful for it and push for more. You know, AA has taught me, you guys have taught me more than any teacher ever has, any coach ever has. Any preacher ever has than my dad ever had because I couldn't, I didn't feel comfortable talking to him. You know, I felt judged. I felt like I wasn't enough, you know, and for whatever reason, you know, the past relationships is what broke me, you know, unhealthy relationships. If you was around me then you were doing shady shit because I was doing shady s**t. You know that's just what it was. I didn't have any real friends. Nobody had any good intentions for me and And neither did I toward them. You know, I wanted something from you or if you wanted something for me, it was going to cost you. You Know, I'm not really sure how this group is about outside issues, but boy, I got them in my story. And, you know, but I call myself an alcoholic because that's the first thing that I went to. And if I didn't find anything else, that's what I would still do. You know, I've always been under the influence of something, always. You know and I was an alcoholic when I went asleep last night. I was alcoholic when woke up this morning in my head, you now, in my thinking. that's where my problem is it's in my head it says in the reading that my man read earlier we all have our old ideas and it was always nailed to me well that means I had to go I'm not going to talk too much about what it was like because we all know how to get that way you know I'm really good at getting tore up but being sober minded And, you know, in recovery was the thing that I couldn't figure out. But I tried, you know, I tried. I tried everything the book says, you know, drinking from this, trying it this time, this time this portion, whatever. But I always wanted something else. I mean, no matter what I had, I could see a brand new truck on a commercial on TV and tell myself that I'm going to get it, and by validation, I would get it at whatever expense. It may be detrimental to you or to me or whatever, but I was going to prove to myself that I could get it. That validation is what made me the tornado that ripped through your life. You know, I mean, you know, it didn't, it never fazed me to just crush your plans or, you know, sleep with your wife or whatever. I mean it just, it did not cross my mind. I didn't care how it was. That's the selfish, selfish way, you know, and I'm selfish to the core. Oh no, wait, you better not nod, yes. no trophy for you I'll just play if you have a trophy you know I heard a whole lot of people and you know I never set out to do that I didn't set out to do all this stuff that's the way it turns out once I put something in my body I'm all gas and no brakes until Mumbado comes up and meets me and thank God that's what it's done so far you know, I thank God for the NBOC I thank the Department of Corrections my PO Jail the people who would reach down and take the pillow off the floor when I was falling down so I could hit my bottom without that i'd still be taking advantage of everybody i'm running i'll run into anyway so they had that deal in seventh grade you know and from then on it um i mean that's just every chance i had you know it uh i was getting in there every chance I had and it went from it went from what you know when i don't know if any of y'all did it or not but when we first started how you'd be riding with your buddies you know going down the road and you're passing a church I'm like, oh, I can't take a drink because of this church. Well, my addiction went from that way to shooting dope in the church, rather, having a kid that, well, let me go. I'll get to that in a second. So that rocked on and that rock on and some weed come in and this and this, and that, that, and then rupture the disc in my back and I think I was I was like 20 then and you know that sent me down a dark road for a long time and you know just it's like I was, I mean when I would try to stop, try to stop, but I'd replace it with something else and you know I was always looking for something. You know I could have this area right here just you know every kind of liquor all the beer all the pills all the powder and had it all right here and i'm like what else can i get what else is there you know i mean that's just restless irritable and discontent i mean i get that now you know i understand that and i can get that way in sobriety And if I stop being grateful, if I start comparing myself to your life, you know, I can get that same way. And, you Know, it would have been easy for me to stop drinking if I didn't have all these other life issues that caused me to drink in the first place. You know, if i feel this way, I could be in a room like this and be up here talking and y'all actually be paying attention. And I would feel alone as I could be, you know, to the point where I got misunderstood tattoos on me. And, you Know, I just never, never felt like I fit in. You know, a year ago I was so broken. I was alone, you now, full of guilt and shame and, you Now, it took me a while to get past all that. I'm still not past all of it, if I'm being honest. I'm on step nine in the steps. I've got a sponsor who, every time we meet, we sit down and he reads word for word from the very first preface all the way through it. And that's what AA is. I don't know about any other people that sat down with me and was that patient and that understanding and, you know, wanting to know how I feel. I always thought that being intimate was laying down with a woman. And, you Know, that's just how shallow my mind is. But it's not, you Now, and I'm not sure if all y'all have experienced it, but then when, you know, all the dope and alcohol in the world, and it'll give you a buzz, you know, and all that stuff will give you a buzz. But there's nothing that compares to when your hair on your arm stands up doing a third step prayer, you know, just me and another guy, you know, crying, telling each other we love each other and stuff, you You know, that's something I never had. It's the indispensable. I mean, you can't put a price tag on it. You can't put a prize tag on a piece of mine. You know? I always never considered myself a thief, but I stole a lot of people's piece of mind. You know if I was around and you was going to hide all your medicine, you was gonna put your money in your pocket and take it out of your purse and put it in your pocket. And then, you know, if you left it in your purse, I was going to get it and then make you feel bad because I stole it. You know, that's the type of person that I was. Anyway, I got married at 24 and had a daughter at 25. She's 20 now, or she'll be 20 next month. Beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world. They all got their woman over here but the girl that's my baby and you know it hadn't always been um you know she wouldn't have told you the same thing for a long time you know there was i was married for 10 years and we was both on pain medicine real bad and you the times that i remember she can't remember it you know the time she remembers I have no recollection of it you know so it was a I have a wife and a daughter in Al-Anon if that's this much you know so you know I don't hurt the people that I love I have the ability to hurt the people who have the misfortune to love me you know it's selfish all selfish to the core that's what I am I'm telling you. That may not have left to my own devices, and Mama said, you ain't got to live like that no more. You know? Thank God we all don't have to livelike that anymore. I never, ever, ever want to hurt anybody again, but for me not to hurt anybody again I cannot be selfish, self-absorbed and, you know, everything to be about me I'm 45 years old up until this past year like i said i was always under the influence of something and because i had this big old void inside of me and you know i confide in a new house i confided in trucks and women and money or whatever and uh you know bob marley's got a quote that says you know if you're chasing money to find happiness then your search for happiness will never end because money is a a number of numbers every year, you know, Bob Barney taught me that, I don't know if he was in AA or not, but it's worth a lot of heard. You know, I mean, it's just, it is amazing how, you now, I said I wasn't going to share much about, about, you know, what I was like, but and you know that's not because of guilt or shame, you know, i don't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it, you You know, it makes me who I am today. And there's a song that says you turn, you turn up. I'm sorry, I went lyrically deaf right there. But anyway, you know, he turns all the shame and the worst things I thought that could ever happen to me, you know. He turns them into hope. God turns it into hope if I'm willing to get uncomfortable and share about what I thought was detrimental to me. You know, maybe that'll give somebody else hope that they can open up, you know, and know that they're not alone. You know? Because feeling alone, man, that's a... It'll cause you to withdraw. You know. All kinds of stuff. And, you Know, I can tell when I'm getting spiritually unfit, you know. The little white lies will start coming out. You know, I'll slack up on my recovery. You know? I'll stop eating right. When I was in treatment this last time, my counselor told me, anybody here ever been in treatment? Well, those are mental hospitals. Yeah. So, you know, that tells you what my problem is. You know. But I thank God for the... I'm so grateful, man. And I know my family is. anybody's noticed him. I've had police come up to him back home and one night, too long ago, he came up behind me. You know, I'm still a little weird, you know what I mean? He said, how are you doing? I said, I am doing good. And he said, yeah, that's what I hear. He said, one of the guys that's on paper came in last week and he was asking about how I could get him in touch with AA. That he heard PJ was in AA and doing good. And you know, I always wanted to be able to help somebody. Always wanted to help someone. I had no clue how. I would think I was helping them by taking them to the liquor store or whatever I was doing to kill them. That's what I really thought I was helpin' them with. AA, in this book man, it's teaching me how to live. you know, that's another thing I can read to tell you a song or a lot of other stuff. It's on... Well, I may have to come back to that. Can I get a reader please? So anyway, it's in the back somewhere in one of the stories. It says what AA has done for me is taught me to be a good father by watching y'all good fathers. It teaches me how to be an awesome father. It teaches you how to have a good husband by watching all the good husbands. It teaches us how to make a good child, a good son, by watching other people. You know, like Roy said about the ex-wives, I had kind of a nasty split up too. Like I said, I was married 10 years and then I was divorced for 10 years and that's when it was really bad. And then we got married last year. So on May 3rd. Shit. Second. That's insane. Progress, not perfection. But I forgot where my point was going on that. Anyway, so we had a kid when I was 25 and I was in the pain clinic deal. And you know how that stuff goes, man. It's just shit. It sucks. And I thought that's the way it was going to be forever. You know, I just thought, you know, and I justified what I remember my daddy saying. Sonny, are you going to get addicted to them? I was like, no, because I asked the doctor and he said, you'll just be dependent on them. You want to look at that? You know, and then when you're just trying not to do the wrong thing, that's an awful life to live too, if that makes any sense. You know every day I'm just trying to not to this one thing. That's exhausting, you know, but fortunately let me get on over to the recovery part of it. So I was on down the road, you know, I got divorced. And my first sponsor that I had a little, well, MDOC kind of pushed me into AA meetings. I was all house arrest and for catching up. i they came in my house so i mean i was a user a user seller um you know because i wouldn't work imagine that you know but you know so i'd do what i had to do to get what i wanted and you know anyway the police come in my and they found something that you know charged me with possession so i bonded out on it two weeks later got pulled over again And they took me down to the jail. They didn't even search me there. They knew what they was doing, you know. They didn�t even search on the road. They took me downtown and strip searched me. Well, my little pack fell out. I forgot it was even in there. And, you now, they charged me with contraband. And, I was already on felony bond so I had to stay in there for almost nine months. When it came to court time, you know, they presented whatever and the judge said, well, that's the wrong charge. You know, you can't charge him contraband. He didn't make it to the back with it. So that's five, six years, five, five years, I think. Anyway, ten days later, they pulled over again and they found what they was looking for that time. So I was back in jail. That's three instances in about a ten to eleven month time. But I was in there a whole lot more times than that. But I was sure my dad was just so proud of me and my daughter and, you know, all that. I was just sold out. I was so proud. But, you Know, So I'm on house arrest. I go to court and he says, Well, I've got 10 years, five suspended, five asserted. And I'm like, Oh, we ain't got to come up with a conclusion that fast. Let's talk about this or something. So I get my lawyer to go back up there and she comes back and says house arrest And I said, all right, you know, which was one of the biggest blessings because I finally had to sit down. You know, I couldn't go anywhere. And I had two hours outside of the house when I first got on parole. And, you Know, that was an hour for church and an hour from grocery. Other than that, if I wasn't going to see my PO, I had to be at home. So I went in one Tuesday. I had to go every week, you know. And I had a drug test every week which was another good thing. I didn't do really good at it for the first four or five months. But that landed me in my second truce. So they've had every reason to throw me away and for whatever reason maybe they saw something that I wouldn't see but the MDLC kind of pushed me in the treatment and uh you know that that life core is a place at tupelo that's the treatment center at tuclo and it's state funded and you know they gave me everything that i needed while i was there um my go officer even kind of took my ankle bracelet off for 30 days you know teased he teased me he put it back on there you know that's he was a good dude too man like i said i fell the first first five or six drug tests and uh you know he kept letting me slide and let me slide and then he pulled the pillow he took the pillow so i fell down at that next time i hit the ground and had to go to you know they said either you can find a treatment center inpatient or or I know where one is down south. I knew where he was talking about down south and I didn't want to go there. Ain't no, because shit, I'm pretty. I can't make it down there anymore. I'm playing, but I'm not playing. Concrete still and boiled eggs for breakfast. Who the hell eats boiled eggs for breakfast? People in Union County jail do. You know, so they pushed me in here Because that's the only way that I could get out of the house to start with, was going to meetings. But I could go to as many meetings as I wanted to. So I was going to 10, 12 meetings a week, you know. And, you Know, although it was for the wrong intentions to start with, they planted the seed, you know. And so anyway, I went to Lifeboard and they offered me everything that I needed to stay sober and have a better life. I just wasn't ready to hear it yet. You know, I was still resting on my laurels and, you know, thinking I could do it right this time, you know, and not lose it. When I say lose, I've always given everything away. Nobody's took anything from me, anything. I clear-minded and gave it all away numerous times. you know we're the most self-destructive people that type of people that all of us are smart and we really excel in our jobs when we're messed up you know you get us clean and thinking a little differently I mean we're all cool people good people we just make poor decisions when we are under the influence it took me a long time to understand that too I just always thought, from what everybody else told me, that I was a shitty person. You know, that's what I heard. When you told me something I did wrong, you were telling me that I'm wrong. And, you know, there's the difference between guilt and shame. I'm guilty before I go to court. I'm full of shame when I leave court for being, for everybody else finding out I'm guilty. You know? That's where it comes from. But, you know, we're not bad people. It's just some of us made some poor decisions, you know. I know I have. Anyway, so let's see. I'm in the good. It's 843. But anyway, where was I? Oh, at Life Corps. And, you Know, I just wanted to hear it again. wasn't ready to get right and you know so so i come out i stay sober for about two years and uh you know i was the gsr of my home group you know everything got married to a beautiful woman you know and god's been good to me you know I wasn't really worried about money i you know i wasn't Really worried about losing the house and you don't need anything like that but one way you can get me to change some things up is you you punch me in my pride and my ego and you know pain is the only only thing that's gonna make me change something up well dhs pulled up to the house one day and said we heard you were doing this and this and this uh you mind peeing in this cup i said no i mean no i'm not going to so i said but i'm going to tell you I'm dirty. You know, I won't pass it. So the kids, two girls, they were 12 and 11, 12 and 10 at the time. Her daughters, my stepchildren, were taken away, her children were taken from her because of something I did. And I knew I was going to have to tell everybody that and i knew i was gonna have to face those kids one day so um i went into uh you know that shaking mcgill what do we do to cover up to deal with our shame and guilt we pour it on and i poured it on which created more guilt and shame what do y'all what do i do to recover up that guilt of shame because if i got enough tension in my life i'm going to do something to get rid of it you know and then you know through all this i could like i could i could counter all these things with the way aaa has taught me to deal with them you know i i i can't procrastinate too much i'm not talking about getting ready buddy but But, you know, getting out of the shower real fast. You know, the things that happen in my life that I run from the emotions. You know? I don't want to get too excited. You know. I don' t want to be sad. I don''t want to cry. You know I don ''t want feel like I did something wrong and I damn sure don'''t want to hear the truth about myself sometimes. But I need all those things, man. If I'm crying, leave me alone. let me crawl through it because it's going to change. I never realized that until nowadays. You know, it's okay if I don't believe the way you believe. I don'T have to make you feel like a damn fool because I DON'T believe thewayyoubelieve. Five plus two is seven, so it's four plus three. You know? My way ain't the only right way. My way may not be the right way at all. You know?, so I DONT work my program. I work an AA program. i worry about what this book says and like i said you know the only thing you hear me say alone is i'm pj and i'm alcoholic everything else my i've heard myself say i've hired him read or or his spot and all the way he knew it his sponsor told him that stuff you know so So it took me a long time to really have had worked, step one. You know, 20 years from now, I know that I can't depend on alcohol or drugs to make my life better. But I finally, at 45 years old, I finally know that. I mean, I knew it, I'd know it, and I know once I put it in my body, I've never been one to say, ooh, that beer, I just love the way it tastes. Shit, no, I was trying to get out of my mind so I didn't have to deal with the crying or the loneliness or me feeling like God didn't really care about my prayers get this high and that's it. If my prayers only get this high, then that's where God is. That's as far as they needed to go. He met me right where I was at. I didn't have to get real good. I just had to admit that I can't figure this shit out. I cannot do it on my own. I tried and I tried and I can not do it because I only see things through these selfish eyes. As a result of working these steps. I guess I'm doing some 12 steps right here. I've sure been doing some 10 steps on the way down here. You know, there's a reason that all this stuff is in the order that it's in. You've got to become willing to make an amend before you can make an amend. When I first read this stuff, I was reading through them. This was before I had a sponsor like just for instance on step two you know can't believe the power of God in ourselves could restore us to sanity how am I supposed to be restored to sanity when I never was sane to start with you know so I have to have a sponsor to walk me through this stuff or I'll totally miss the blessing you know but anyway he told me he said well you know what what insanity is. I said, yeah. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. And he said, so what's the opposite of that? And back then I was like, I don't know. So I get my phone out looking up sanity. He said, I'll show you. You know, it's doing something different. Just do something different and you won't get the same result. I guarantee you won'T get the same results. So, you know, now that I've been through these steps with my sponsor, and I still go to a lot of meetings, I know that I can't even begin to wrap my head around the force. You know, I can only see the tree when it comes to God's plan. and me trying to control situations and put all these people, y'all know that actor that they're talking about, he wasn't even a damn director or anything. He was holding the lights but he thought he could run the whole show. That's me. I'm the one that's just supposed to stand there and be still but I'm going to do what all you need to do to make your life better. Anyway, so working with my sponsor like I said, he sits down it reads every word that's in here. And, you know, that's love, you know? That's God's love. You know, the unconditional love, the godly love. This is one of the few times that I've ever had people my life like that you know i'm forever grateful man and for james james asked me to come speak here because witty asked him but he's gotta have a kidney taken out next week and he wanted to rest up so he said you know would you be willing to go say hello y'all go you know just like that I think the big, big book says send me, I'll go. Man, this program has changed my life. I won't say it's given me my life back because I'm not the same soul that I used to be. Thank God, you know, that it talks about in the back when it's reading. The reading explains what spiritual experience is and it says, it says on 567, the term spiritual experience and spiritual awakening are used many times in this book which upon careful reading shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has been manifested itself among us in many different forms you know so by working these steps man i don't if things get heated with somebody you know i don' have i can be quiet you know I don't have to i don''t have to give my two cents all the time it's most of the time y'all don't want to hear my two cents anyway you know and that's a personality change man when you when you turn into a different person as a result of working these steps you're not the same person that you used to be you know i'm not full of shame and guilt today i don't have a whole lot of remorse today I don't think I did anything to anybody today that I have to make amends for yet. You know, we drove three hours up here after a day's work to come share what God has done in my life. You know you've got to give it away to keep it. I hate all the damn, when I first came in I hated all the damned slogans. You know, live and let live. Forgive if you want to be forgiven. Love if you wanna be loved, you know. And I heard Al-Anon's speaker at, I remember when he walked in, the bearded one back there. You know when he walk in, I was like, I've saved it before, I know it. So he would come past me and I said, did you go to the Springtime in Ozarks? I said, I did. I know you did because I saw you there. Man, I don't know anywhere else in this world that has this diverse of a group of people that will listen when I talk and I'll listen when you talk. We don't really even have to really know what you're saying for me to understand you. I don't really know any of you completely, but I completely love every one of you because you're me and I'm you. Either you got something for me or I got something from you or we wouldn't be here tonight. That's the way I have to look at life today, man. God's everything. God's nothing. And, you know, I used to think, you know, God used to be this dude that stood up and had him with a down pitchfork, big long beard with kookaburras in it probably. And, point this finger at me saying, you're going to go to hell if you don't do this. Well, that's not the guy that I have today. You know, my God don't want anything bad for me. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to be full of joy, full of peace and contentment. But, you know, the program says our purpose is to be of maximum service to God and to our fellows. And that's the only thing in this life that makes me happy. You know, a new house ain't going to do it. A new car ain't gonna do it I'll work hard to get that stuff. And then when I get it, I'll ruin everybody's joy around me because I don't appreciate it. You know what I mean? That's the worldly stuff. And like I was saying earlier, you know, all the pills and all the dope and all the beer in this world has never given me the feeling that I get almost like when I hear God say, that's a good job. that's what I'm here for to share what he's done for me and unselfishly try to help somebody else whether it's a lady I still put up it's been six years going on now every time I go to Walmart or Kroger or Tractor Supply or whatever, I go find two buggies and put them up it wasn't too long ago our youngest she said, why do you do that? I'm walking around like on a mission looking around cars trying to find buggies and you know things like that that I can explain to them it's not about me putting the buggys up that's not what it's about it's me lighting somebody else's load and not expecting anything in return from them whoever's job it is put them buggies up that they're too late they got two left you know it's a small house you know how you never know the ripple effect that that you get off things you know good and bad and if i do know one thing is that somebody is watching me all the time somebody's waiting to say well that a really really must not work if he's acting this way If he's cussing his wife in front of everybody, that's a real good guy. I have to be mindful of that. I don't want to do anything to harm AA because it saved my life. There's no doubt in my mind that I would be alone, I would being locked in the bathroom, or I would in prison, or I'll be dead. I didn't share a whole lot about my using days, but I've overdosed. I took an egg ball out of my buddy's pocket that had just overdosed and died. I had inactive addiction. I had, I got this girl pregnant and she, I didn't have anything to do with it the whole time she was pregnant. It was just a one night thing. And she called me and said she was pregnant. I'm like, you know, I'm so, I know my life is so messed up, man, that I'll be absolutely no good to this kid or her either one. So I didn'T go around. You know, she She went to the hospital, had the baby. When the baby came out, it broke Denise's back. She had three tumors on her spine and cancer tumors on his spine. She never come home from the hospital. She died. Her parents, A was a little girl, a beautiful little girl. Um, she's seven now, eight, eight now. And, uh, you know, man, that absolutely made me feel like I would go, I was going to hell over that. You know, I had so much regret and shame over that, um, you You know, it kept me in there a long time because I couldn't forget myself. You know because I knew what I was doing. I know right from wrong. I know good from bad. I know rights from wrongs. And when I don't do what I know is right, I'm doing the wrong thing. And you know that feeling in here that I've got this little baby man And that I still today haven't been able to talk to her or hold her or see her. I mean, I have seen her from a distance. And, you know, but I don't have to try. I know from the program, man, I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I want To be a Better Person tomorrow than I am today. And, uh, you Know, it's going to take me getting uncomfortable. You know, and I don't blame those grandparents one bit for keeping them away from me. I would have done the same. That's mild compared to what I would've done if a guy got my daughter pregnant, if a guys got my 20-year-old daughter pregnant. And then if she were to pass away and he came up to me and wanted to see that kid, I'd probably go to prison over it initially. you know I don't blame them I wouldn't either but that's okay I just have to I have to I have to be the best ex-husband today that I can possibly be you know and I've got to try to right my wrongs as best I can and vowed to myself to not do them again. That's what my amends looks like, you know, apologizing for what I did, what can I do to make it right, and then trying to never do that again. And that's the only thing I can do about the past is admit it, face it, realize my part in it, and try not to do it again. And anyway, like I said, I don't know many of y'all, but I do remember faces and I remember his glasses and his ring and his red shoes you know so and I'll remember every one of y'all if I see y'ALL again and I would love for y'All to I made it I'd love for y''All if y''ALL ever around South Hill I'll drop in and see us we have a meeting every day of the week at 530 and thank y'alls so much for letting me come ramble on about I don't know if you got anything out of it or not. If you didn't get anything out of it, just know that I love you and I mean that with all my heart. Thank y'all for what you've done for me and for my family.