The Periodic Alcoholic and the Obsession With Drinking – Audrey P.

for our speaker tonight. Hi everybody, my name is Audrey Phillips. I'm an alcoholic and I'm sober today by the grace of God in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in that order. And for that I'm most thankful. Hi, I love you all. It makes me feel good to come over here. So this promissory meeting was meeting at a different church. Wasn't it there in the corner? This is the very first stay-away meeting that I ever attended in my lifetime, and that was back in 19... sometime in the 60s, and I didn't pick up a white chip the first night I walked in here, but a few weeks later I did come in, and I don't think I picked up my chip here. They didn't even offer... I was in such a state that I don' t think they thought I was going to be around. They didn' t bother to give me a chip. Maybe they weren't given them. I don't know. There's a lot of things that are different today. And I was thinking about that. I've been sick for about a month and a half with the flu and aches and pains of not because I'm an alcoholic, just growing old. You know, if you're not dead, you have to keep growing older, you know. And I told a young person the other day, she said, how does it feel? What do you think about growing old? I said, I prefer it to the alternative. And she said, what's the alternative? And I said, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. You know, when you get there, you'll understand what I'm talking about. But anyway, I am an alcoholic. And as I was told after I got in here for a while, that I'm one of the sickest kind because I'm much known as a periodic alcoholic. A lot of people always sort of sneer when you say that, you know. Well, I kept drinking too when I ran out of money. Some of the biggest drunks I've ever been on in my life, I started off with no money. Money absolutely meant nothing to me. It had nothing to do with drinking. If I didn't have any money, I used some of yours or who else was still in the family, you know. Once I started drinking, I mean, it really wasn't too important to me. I wasn't particularly selective in who I drank with as time went on. And, you now, they used to give you that pamphlet, the 44 questions, where the more questions you answered yes, the more alcoholic you were. And you're supposed to be honest when you answer them. And the only one I could truthfully say no to was, do you seek lower companions when you're drinking? And I could say no that I was your lower companion. So when I got here, I was in terrible shape. I don't know whether there's anybody in the room tonight that remembers my first appearance as an alcoholic. But, you know, I came directly from Mays Bar Beer Joint down there on the Plattsburgh Bridge. And the reason I got in there, I was in there one day destroying a place. And I was screaming about this can't go on and this, that. And then I think they called OA in preference to calling the law because the people near me and they liked me and they just didn't want me breaking up. I had broken seven mirrors and I was cut and bleeding. It was not a good advertisement for the liquor industry. So anyway, you all made mistakes from day one. You sent an Al-Anon because there weren't any alcoholics, I guess, available. And this little old gal, Sally, I don't know where she is today, but she came tootling up the maze in what I later found out to be some little boat wagon. And she walked in and then came immediately to me, which I wondered for several weeks, how did she know that was me that she came for? I mean, nobody pointed it out or anything. And she got me in that little car, and she told me I was crying, sobbing, and weeping, and emoting. Now, I don't know. I hear a lot of stuff today that I don' t identify with. But I think the world missed a great actress when I became a drunk because I could emote all over the place, and I could just, you know, just very dramatic. I was very dramatic, and I was doing all that carrying on, and she said to me, You've had your last drink. I thought she laid the hands on me and healed me or something, you know. I was really crazy. I never had another drink for the next five years. Must have believed her. I met a lot of wonderful people, and some of them were in here tonight, Ralph and Delores Eubanks, and they were talking tonight about a fellow story. When I first came in, I guess it was my first or second year. Was it the first year? And they were going, them and a guy named Vernon and his wife Alma, They were going over to Sanibel Beach for the weekend, and they took me along. Now, you'd have to understand that I was not somebody that wives went around picking, you know, exposing their husbands to a lot when I'm here. I mean, I used to marry your husband, you now. So anyway, they took be over there to Sanabel Island with them, and I said, what do these people want with me over here? And I finally decided sometime later, They weren't good along to really. I went along and they sort of got their attention off each other and they were dedicated to making me see how wonderful AA was and how happy we were. They were giving me a good impression of the life I could have or something like that. I don't really know. But anyway, I met some wonderful people in AA and I want to stop right here now because I am now, I guess what people call an old timer. Now, I don't like to be thought of as an early arrival. But when I came in, and I came in in 1962, and I sort of had myself and people I call it our class, we sort of used to come day in like little bunches little crutches, like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, we'd all come in within a few days of each other, and we'd sort of band together You know, now I don't know what we were banding together against, but we sort of huddled up together and spent a lot of time talking about how crazy these people are in the area. You know they told me that when I'm ready for something I'm going to have it. Well what do they think? You know it's hard to write a new check. I had a girlfriend, we used to sit down and talk about this endlessly. And we knew people in LA that to us were rich. But they wouldn't give us a TV. We couldn't understand that. We didn't have one. They had several white men that would have had one. Well, of course, if they'd have gave us a TV, we would have been home looking at the television instead of down at a meeting. And I don't know if anybody in here remembers Donnie or Gandy. And this is my friend talking. You're going to know that before I'm through. But I've just been reminiscing how it was. And Donnie and I met up, and our backgrounds were similar. She came from Cincinnati, and I came from Savannah, Georgia, and was living in Tampa and other places. and we banded together, first of all, for economic reasons. Neither one of us in the beginning could afford a nice apartment. But we pooled our resources and we were able to afford a very nice apartment and you know there, and in those days, and I'm going to say some things here tonight that's probably going to offend people, but there, women moved in with other women and we weren't thought of as loved ones. I mean, you know, And it was highly recommended that you not move in with a man. Now, today it's completely awkward. If you move in with a woman, you're a lesbian. And if you move in with an unmarried man, that's okay. And I know a girl that moved in with unmarried couple and a man and they said, that is the sickest woman in all of our age. She had already lived five or six years and then it didn't work out so this married couple took pity on her and had her in their house and they're teaching her to be dependent on men Well, anyway, that's another story. But people think differently today. You know, I know it never occurred to Bobbie, and it certainly never occurred to me that anybody would even think we were lesbians. And Donnie had her friends, and I had mine. And we used to sit up, we'd come to a meeting, and then we'd go home. We went to visit me because she had her little group and I hadn't mine. And Donny and I were born under the same birth sign. I don't know why. We had temperaments very much alike. And there was a lot of door slamming going on in the library every now and then yelling this is where we learn tolerance and this is something I was thinking about today you know in AA they didn't and when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous I never heard anybody running around beating you to death with a big book they just didn't carry the big book around hit you with it and verify everything with that book I saw AA lived and practiced and one of the ways I first noticed and it came to me a couple of days ago, was Donnie would go to her group of friends, and she was three months ahead of me and so Donnie. So Donnie was just beginning to relax. And me, I was sober a few days, and I was just getting to get geared up. And so while Donnie was trying to relax and sleep, it bugged me to see her sleep. And I hit her in the face with a mop one day when she was laying down. She started to breathe the hell out of me. She'd get up and do something. But we couldn't, even though it was the third apartment by ourselves, so we had to learn tolerance. And to me that's what tolerance is. It wasn't that we just stood each other. It was circumstances we needed to get along. And we never did hit one another. Donnie had two cats. And she had this huge sign of his cat. Tinkerbell and Nemo. And Nemo would get up like a mantelpiece and leap on your chest in the morning. He weighed about 12 pounds. And that little one, Nemo, wanted to eat your sandwiches and stuff. And Donnie would say, oh, did he just want somebody's sandwich? I said, I don't want a damn cat eating my sandwich. And she said, when Piers had come down, she said you knew I had cats when we moved in. I said I didn't know you thought there was human being. And that was the kind of thing. Those were just little things that we tolerated or learned tolerance from each other. And we stayed together for quite a long while. And I think that had something to do with me not drinking for the next five years because I became in AA what's really known as a two-stepper. I didn't want to drink. Older people took me with them on 12-step calls. and I finally figured out, you know, like Betty Godwin, you know she was just a beautiful lady and they would take me or Donnie or somebody like us on a 12-step contest and don't say anything unless they ask you a question and then just tell them how long you've been sober. And they'd sit there and spout all this beautiful AA philosophy and we went in those days to houses like I never will forget one house. This girl, her husband had died and she was drunk and she had four or five kids running around on rooftops in the neighborhood and one thing and another. And she had a maid in there cleaning and the maid didn't do any washing. She just put dirty clothes through them up and put them in the door. And the dirty dishes she put in the refrigerator that keeps the birds away, you know. And our house was just a flat-out mess where me and Donnie and a few of us newer girls, we cleaned house. And while the older ladies who had the somebody used to sit and spout all this beautiful philosophy, did. Of course, that's how we looked. I mean, you know, we didn't think anything of it. It took me years to figure out why they took us along like that. You know, I didn't have to do all that work. But the point I was having at it was stay sober. And we did it by, I don't think we get to call them wet grumps anymore, but we used to go in there. Donnie and I got a hold of a woman one time that was from a house of early food. I didn' t I didn't know that when I went down there, but so we got out of the way of the club where we visited for a house of their repute. And Dottie and I now, we took her home to our place, and we preached all day to her. I mean, we never let up. We just went on and on and On. And I don't know why we had her in the car taking her back down there. I think to get some clothes or something. And we stopped for a light, and she jumped out of that car, and I never seen her sit. you know I think we just absolutely I've often wondered what happened to some of those people I came across in my early days in AA because Donnie and myself and a few of us we had some real strong ideas that you were going to get sober or else you know that was if it kills me I'm going to get you sober and that was the way we were and I told a friend of mine tonight I told a friends of mine that lives over here that comes over to Laker and occasionally and I don't see him in the audience who kind of have promised to be here but he calls this group here promised to a group for some strange reason he calls it the Cheyenne Social Club and whatever he means by that I said to him I'm speaking over there Thursday night he said you mean at the Cheyennese Social Club I said yes would you come I said you know I think a lot of you would like to hear your music he says no I won't go out there he said those people I said you know Those people really saved my life. In 1962, when I went to that meeting, that was my first contact with people there. Most of them are gone. That's one thing that bothers me when I come over here. Some of my dear friends have gone to the big meeting in the sky. And, of course, I'm not wanting to rush up and join them, but one of these days I guess I will, you know. But it's just, you look around the room and you see the people that are missing. But anyway, like I said, I was thinking the other day and I've become... I used to want to be a female Clarence Snyder. You know, when I came in, Clarence Snyder was sober 20 years. And, you know, he was like, he radiated something. And what it was with ClarenCE is he treated me like I was a person. And I was around people, not you all, but around people there, that little girl. And I knew about OA. I mean, you people crossed my path lots of times. The thing was, I didn't believe in alcoholism. and I hear that remark made, you're not an alcoholic unless you say you are. That's real. I don't care whether you say you are or not. You're an alcoholic and you're drinking and you die. You want to go down. You ain't going to get better. I don'T care whether YOU believe it. I didn't believe I was an alcoholic. I thought you all were a bunch of weak-willed people who blame all your problems on booze. And me, I was an SOB and booze didn't have nothing to do with it. You see, I didn' t have to quit drinking. I didn't want to quit drinking. I sit in the day and hear all the people wanting it the very first time. I never thought about quitting drinking. I stopped drinking since I was a year. That woman told me, you've had your last drink. And that was it. I was an excellent drinker. I was such a great acceptor. And I used to sit and think about when I was in trouble, you know, how did I get into this mess? And I'd think, this is the way God created me. And so I just accept that. And I was great acceptors. They talked a lot. I accepted all that stuff. You know, I accepted the things I had to do to keep on drinking. Because when I started out, I wasn't a born alcoholic. I didn't jump from my mother's womb drunk. I became an alcoholic. And it started out with weekend drinking and then pretty soon, Monday would come and I used to say I'm going to get drunk on Friday and stay drunk the weekend. Now that's a little strange but that wasn't me. I didn' t have to drink. I mean, you know, I didn't have that thing that later became paramount in my life. I became a person, and we have a guy over there, he told me I could use this. I dressed to drink. I loved to drink。 I loved bars, cocktail lounges. My idea of a big evening was to go down to the script joint staff. This guy that dated me, see, you're the damnedest woman I've ever seen. You're the hell most of the... I wanted to go like, I was in the liquor booth. I'd stay in there and work all day, but I wanted to go down on Franklin Street and watch the script joints all night, you know. And he'd say, that's sick. There's something the matter with you. This guy, I like to buy him champagne too, you now. With your money, of course, not mine. But, you knowing all that, and I just kept on drinking and I hit the skids bad. And being periodic, it was terrible because I didn't believe I was an alcoholic. I'd get everything all built up, you known, be okay, be everything, be gone. For no apparent reason, I heard that guy say tonight he's a real alcoholic so am I if I picked up a drink this evening I have no reason to believe that it probably wouldn't last or I might have to be like that the rest of my life that's what really frightens me if I think about drinking if I was to entertain the idea and convince myself that I was going to go drink I probably wouldn'T be lucky enough to die I'd just have to keep on living that horrible life that I had to live in order to drink so Alcoholics Anonymous it's like I said he didn't beat me over the head with a book Clarence just tried to explain to me about the principles of AA and all that and I love the traditions and I do like to hear them I personally don't think I'm at an AA meeting if I don't hear the steps in the traditions we didn't read how it works every time you opened a meeting back when I came in the chairman read something if they wanted to and we always have two speakers we'd have all these discussion meetings And I know people that are sober a lot longer than me that say what's happening in AA and is killing AA today is people discussing meetings, and especially open discussion meetings. It's ruining an alcoholic's moment. And I don't know whether that's true or not. I know that, you know, I said I wanted to become a senior apprentice. And I was talking about the steps long before seminars started. And I never will. And then after five years, I drank again. I didn't drink because I thought I was cured. I didn'T drink because I really wanted to. I got myself... I was a person that would take myself into a corner. And if I didn' t know nothing else to do, I drank. I'll tell you something. No matter what was going on in my life, if I drank for a while, I was out of it. Because I was an blackout drinker. I had auditory hallucinations. People talked to me that weren't there. And you weren't where they still talk. And I imagined a lot of things, you know. I got into my drinking where I couldn't tell you whether I had really seen something or whether it was my imagination. And so therefore, you now, and when I told Clarence Snyder, they were talking about you can't carry resentment. I said, I don't resent anybody. I didn't even know what resentment was. I hated everybody, and I was very impassioned. I just hated everybody including myself. And I had gotten to where, you know, when you know my first appearance when they got me out of that maze town when I had not combed my hair for at least six weeks and I had on a dress, I don't know whether the lawyers probably remember but it was some kind of a green big broad striped thing with yellow and gold spots. I had that dress on. I don't know how long I had that dress one. But see, I would go in the bar and people that even liked me you know, drinking they knew I was dying and they'd tell me why don't you go take a hot bath? I'd go somewhere and sit down and cover that dress and take a bath get out because I was I was just drinking beer and I thought beer was medicine. I drank beer to settle my stomach so I could handle booze. I didn't like beer but it was necessary to settle myself. Now, when I first started doing that, there wasn't nothing wrong with my stomach. But it was really heavy, too, for some of my stuff. So I weighed 87 pounds with this dress on that I had showered in, I had sat in the bathtub. And I don't think they let people drink like that. They do intervention today. But nobody intervened with me. And around the bar, you know, today I can't eat a Pickles Quick Pig foot or one of them hot sausages crackers because people used to stuff that food into me I wouldn't go eat and they'd just sit there and feed me you know this practical pry my mouth open and shove that food down and I had to either and then they'd give me a drink well I could wash that down with a drink and then let me drink some more so I was a mess and I remember I'm reminiscing a lot tonight and I don't know how much inspiration, but I remember Mary Ellen, Fred's wife. My hair, since I hadn't combed it in six or eight weeks, it was really a mess. She gave me a home permanent. Pee-wee brought me a lipstick because I wouldn't put makeup on. I wouldn'T even look in the mirror. I hated myself so bad. I wouldn'T look in a mirror. You know, and I was utterly beat. I didn't fight this program or anything. The thing I did, I did what I was told to do. And what I didn' t do though, I did not take the steps of recovery. And as far as I'm concerned, and this is where I get in all good people, you know, the requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. But I was interested in more than just being a membership. Once I got a taste of somebody, I liked being sober. And had I been going through the steps for recovery and recovery, and I probably wouldn't be drunk again, but I wasn't doing that. You know they say practice these principles in all your affairs. Well, I wasn' t able to do that. I don' t know if I even understood what that meant. Now, Clarence used to try to talk to me about it and finally one day Clarenced told me, you know Audrey, you don' T seem to be able to practice these principles in all the affairs. Maybe you ought to quit having the affairs, but I didn' t do that either. So eventually when I got drunk, I had done a lot of things. I didn't drink. I went 12-step it. I talked. I did a lot. There's a lot to do, but the one thing I'm trying to stress on you, if you want to recover from alcoholism, and it's not alcoholism. It's alcoholism and I'm sober now 21 going on 22 years and I still have alcoholism And what I do is, on a daily basis as best I can, I try to take care of that. I remember, you know, that I'm not to get too angry, lonely, or tired and stuff like that. Although I do all those things because I haven't reached this state of spiritual perfection that a lot of my friends have. We were talking about that over the last time. I know a lot people, and I myself, my first time around in that five years, I want you to know that I became a saint. I knew I was a saint until God called me. Here comes Mother Superior. See, I was working in a Catholic girls' convent, for crying out loud. Nuns were just floating around there. And I floated right along behind them. I went to the Mother Superior at that convent and told her that I wanted to dedicate my life to helping the poor and the unfortunate or whatever. It lasted over about three weeks, I think I told her that. She was so nice. she said, you wait a year or two. And if you still have this desire, you come back and see me and we'll see what we can do. Well, during that next few years, one guy was chasing me around with a gun. I was being voted out of AA in some circles. And I don't care. I think today about this, you know, and nobody in the world can tell me that they went and got drunk because their feelings got hurt. Because it seemed to be like at one point, hey, oh now, all my friends just deserted me. And, you know, today, thinking it over, if I'd have been one of them, I would have deserted me too. So, you now, we grow. I think every stage of alcoholism, I have been through it. And every stage in recovery, I've been through. Now, when I became this saint, you see, I finally got so saintly, I didn't have anybody to talk to, you known. And I never will forget, and I don't know whether this ever happened to anybody. Sometimes I think I must be some strange person. But I got to where I became a person, an alcoholic, sometimes I could spot the phonies. And I spotted them. And I used to go, and you know Clarence, I don' t know if any of you knew him, I know some people do, but he was a lover. He wouldn't disagree with me. So in my world, I don't know if he knew it, but if you didn't disagree with me, I thought you were agreeing. I thought your real proven. I mean, if I said, I'm going over there and shoot that man, and you didnít say, well, I donít think you ought to do that, and I went over there to show him, I thought he would agree with me. Thatíd be a good thing to do. So I got to go out into the field every day. Iíd be in there at 4 oíclock, 5 oí clock, 6 oí'clock. Iíd say to Clarence, you know, ClarenCE, you know that guy Jerry that came here from Jacksonville the other day? Yeah, I know. Just looking at you, I don't know. Well, he's a phony. And I'll tell you why he's a phoney. I found out something about that guy to say the parents and the parents would just smile when they did. Well, it got to where I had told him about so bad many phonies that one day I said to him, how is it that only you and I know who the phony's on? And he says to me, did you know, Audrey, that it takes one honey but it ain't ever occurred to you it. It takes one to know one. Talk about an ego buster. In fact, I had the idea in my mind if I did the third step. I used to toy around with that third step, you know, you turn your will and your life over to the care of God. And I told Prince, I can't do that. I can' t do that because God will want me to go to Africa and be a missionary. And I don't want to go there. I said, at the very least, I'll be down there on the corner doing the tambourine for the Salvation Army or something. And he said, Audrey, don't you think God's got better people than you? Why do you think he needs you to go be a, why would he need something like you to go do his missionary for? You know, he's all about an ego buster but he had such a nice way of doing it. It took me three or four days to understand what he was saying when he told me that thing about the soldiers and I went home and I was just delighted. I thought he had bragged on me or something, you know. And I, it hit me, I see Joe laughing and he was crying. I forget what time it was but I called him on this since he lived in St. Pete and I said, you know, you called me a phony today. He says, no kidding. He laughed. He said, honey, if that's the only pair of shoes you've got to wear right now, you wear them until you can get a better pace, but you'd better get out of God's seat because you're not big enough to fill it. You need to get outof God's feet. That was my little lesson for the day from him. I think about all those things. I thinkabout Flash Irmbel, who I used to, I couldn't stand Flash. and not when I first knew him I did get to know him and I became even people I couldn't stand in AA somehow or other they all became very dear to me and even today and I can't I was talking I can's like who it was they said I have to be honest with you Audrey I don't like everybody I said I don' t either and I've never ever seen love with everybody sometimes I have to love them from a distance you know I wish them well I don''t sit around and if I really don't care about you, I don't sit around and plot your downfall. I used to spend a lot of time doing that, you know. And you didn't necessarily even have to do anything to me. I could just... I had this active brain that figured all this stuff out. You know, the world was out to get me. So why shouldn't I get you before you got me? That was my attitude. But I... After that... After... If there's any... I didn't see anybody raise their hand for newcomers tonight, But I want to tell you, if you're sitting in this room tonight and you're sober and life isn't going well and you don't think that this is going to work, don't go out and take it. If you've been here, stay. Because eventually, it's going to be all right. Now, I don't know if it's gonna be allright, but life will not be as bad as it is if you are a real alcoholic like I am and you keep on drinking. because I can sit today and think about some of the things that I did drinking. And it's hard for me to remember that that really was me and I really did those things, and yet some of them I could go down and check out with the police department and I had a record about me, you know. One of the thing I used to love was to drive drunk. I thought that I had, you knew, I would get arrested for driving drunk and in those days we didn't have all this drunk driving school. When I first heard about that, I thought, that was so interesting. I wonder if they teach you to drive more. How do they do that? That's what I really thought it was about, and then I found out, you know, it's like all the stuff you have to go through today to get your license and all, and what they used to do with me was discharge me with drunk driving, take my driver's license, and every time I appeared over there, it cost more money. We'd write every year, in The spring of the year, for some reason I never said that out. I got drunk. And before it was all over, I got arrested for drunk driving. I asked Bob Johnson, the judge, why the hell can't I get arrested for driving while drinking? Or reckless driving while driving. I read in the paper about all these other charges. He says, I'll agree when they get you. I said to him, you get drunk. He says I know that I don't drive. He says, are you drunk when you're arrested? He said, one of those cops told me to throw a line in his feet. Are you drunk? I said, yes. He said well then that's why the charge is drunk driving. And he said these people that are out here pulling around, they're not like you. They are reprisal. They're not at the limit that you are when you go down there. And then I used to demand the blood test. Because I never believed I was drunk. and if he wasn't going if he was going to charge me for driving by I just don't have to prove it well they didn't have no trouble doing that I mean you know I couldn't blow up blue one time so they had me blow into breath into some bottle and I heard the cop saying it's turning blue or something I said how how the hell color do I know it's supposed to color you know I don't know what it's supposed to be but anyway I finally got back in there and I want to tell you if you're here sober tonight stay here because I wasn't able Well, I see people, and I used to call them in-and-outers. I see a few people that run in and out of A.A. They drink like I used too. Remember, I was too rowdy. And they drank just like I always did. I wasn't running around taking trips before I came there. I didn't know nothing about it. I just would get dry and walk around dry and then get drunk because I'd get restless, irritable, and discontented and things didn't seem right to me. And any time I didn'T know what to do, I drank. And once I picked up a drink, it was keyed by the door until a disaster occurred, like a drug-grabbing charge. One time I broke all the windows in my own house because I thought it was locked in. I wasn't locked in, I just didn't know, I thought somebody had locked me in because I broke up all the rooms and cut myself and all that. Now, hell, there wasn't another. You know, they used to imagine that people were trying to keep me somewhere and hell, they was wishing I'd go away. but I don't know whether that was a whether I had a big ear or a small ear or what you know my family I don' t go into my family I came from my family I guess you'd call them what is that word they use yeah well my mother and father gave me away without a six week sentence they gave me to an aunt and uncle that raised me and then later on they all went to court and fought about me I never did figure that out And so I spent time with several different members of that family. And believe me, they were all very strange people. And if it was good to me, they didn't abuse me or anything that I could think about. And I saw a thing in the magazine the other day that said, are you sure you were not molested this child? And I got to take a big old sit down and think about that. You know, because I remember what they told me that some of these shrinks should help you recall all that. Now, I don't know what good it would do you today. But when I was drinking, I never ever thought and I used to tell people I went down to the social security office one day and raised hell I wanted my money and I didn't want to wait until I was 65 because I knew I wasn't going to live to 40 and of course I wound up in jail that day too you know and I'm happy in using this program and listening to people and I have now, I'm more happy to report to you I live by the 10th, 11th and 12th step I take a daily inventory and when I'm wrong sooner or later I'll admit it I didn't get the problem sooner or latter I will admit it now you got sometimes a hell of a job to show me I'm right show me how wrong because I get carried away with this idea of being right but I don't have to be right like I used to have to do right Adam Stover I don' t know if any of y'all remember him but one time when Adam died and I'm sure he was drinking when he died because I spoke to him that morning and he was drinkin' and later on that day I understood he died but uh he and I got in a car one day and I was drivin' and this is how I couldn't do wrong uh I got um Swan Avenue which wasn't anywhere we knew where we were goin' and Adam said Audrey you've you've you've taken a wrong turn I said no I haven't he said yes you have this isn't the way the way we're goin' wherever we were we were doin' I don't remember I said I like Swan Avenue. And I always thought about Swan Avenue, and since the day that we got, I think we were going over to 27th, not 27th. The club over here now on Columbus Island. We got there, Adam, when you decided for whoever was in there. I want you to know that all of your thoughts have a great affection for Swan Avenue and if she's going to Jacksonville and she's got to go to Swan Avenue to help her, And she was going, and I could not say, yes, I took the wrong turn. I just could not stand. And I think I could stay with him for four years. Well, I couldn't be wrong. There was just no way. And I got over that, too, because I've been wrong many, many times. And I've learned that,too. It's possible to say, so we'll be wrong, or you can make mistakes. I fought for people today that somehow or other have the idea that they're not supposed to make mistakes, and they all run around thinking they're going to make a mistake. And I said, you people here in the 60s told me that it's okay to make a mistake. I didn't have to be around all the time. I was allowed to make mistakes, you know. Now not deliberately go out and see how much I could screw up. But if you do, there's another day coming. Some of the slogans, I changed this terrible pass in my own mind for a kid pass because I don't have a lot of patience and I really don't handle it. I guess God figures if he, if I got too good and had too good a slate, I'd probably rise on up the sling hood again or something, you know. But it came to pass. I finally figured out in the Bible, and when I was a grinch, I was the great Bible reader. Revelations was my favorite chapter. Does that tell you anything? It came to past in the bible. It always tells you, you don't like locusts came and ate up everything and there was earthquakes and thunderstorms and all these terrible things and it always says first and it came to pass. I said, that's pretty good. If I ever look in there and see where it came from I'm going to be in real trouble. But as long as it came apart I can stand it. And that's what I've been doing this last month since I've had been sick. I tell everybody I have not been running around happy, joyous and free. I've being laying in the bed thinking Oh my God, am I ever going to get better And I'm thinking, he came to pass on me. He said, you're a little bit better. I said, no, lady, you ain't going to die. You're going to get well. You know? And so, you know, you really don't, you don't want to get better. My doctor told me, I said you take all the way to the hospital. And he said that's the worst place in the world. So cry it over there. You take, and he said they're spreading the flu. They're here in the hospital, everybody's catching it. So I didn't go, I just stayed home. And that's how come I guess tonight I'm sitting around, When I got so desperate, I started reading the big book again. And I love what Tracy says about the big books. You know, when you first start reading the book, it's a book that's written on about the 6th grade level. I used to think, I wonder what they meant by that. Well, see now, I see they meant exactly what they said. I heard a guy say the other day, You don't have to read between the lines or under the lines. You'll search for the hidden meaning. There's one book. There's a simple book. And Christ says, you know, in the beginning of days you don't believe that. But after a while, after a several, but all you say seven and you read along that book, you read something and, my God, that's one. And you never thought anything about it until that day when it came to you that's the way it is, you now. And that's how I live today. I do not, I'm not one of these people that think everything in the world is the way it ought to be. In God's will, that might be so. But in my belief, and this is my own personal belief, God gave man dominion over the earth and all things in it. And I believe in the intentional will of God, the permissive will of god, and you know, there's many, many different wills. And I believes that there are a lot of things in the will, Mad screws up the world. I don't think God has nothing to do with it. In fact, I say I don' t care about God. And I know that most of my problems come from me. You know, a few years ago I got in trouble with the IRS because I knew a bookkeeper that was going around getting everybody refunds. I'm self-employed and I thought, why the hell don't I get some refunds? So I went to that bookkeeper. I found out later on that everybody who does books for us is in trouble with the IRS. They were all being audited, not just me. All of his clients were being audits. It took me quite a while to figure it out. Finally somebody told me that if you go into his main home and hear this term it's a red flag right at the start off there. It's the greed is what caused me. I said to, now I have a book keep of CPA today and he said, I said you know that woman who was doing my taxes she didn't like the news. He said well that's why you didn't get any news on. And when you started getting news on that's when you got into trouble. But it was greed that made me do that. You know I could have continued on where I was but I just heard everybody else getting this stuff out and see where I couldn't be. So, you know, that's just another thing I learned along the way. I think that this program has given me a road map to living. I didn't get sober on the way I look at alcoholics and minors. And I hear people call it, I'm going to say if he was in here and out there. I went out and picked up. I heard a man the other day in a meeting I was in say he went out and got drunk and I stood up and gave him the same innovation. Because I hear people say, I went out and picked up. I wonder what the hell did they pick up? And where did they go to? Nobody ever uses the term, I got drunk in AA. Back in the group summer round, they always, I've been out experimenting. Well, how? Now, I don't mean that if I pick up a drink tonight, I don' t have to experiment to find out what's going to happen or how fast. I know based on my past performance, I don''t know whether it will be long, short, or rough. But I know one thing. If I went out and picked up a drink today, sooner or later, I don't know how soon, I'll be in an argument with a cop about driving. And I'll been saying to that cop, do you know who I am? And I am a citizen. Why don't you go catch the bad people? Why don' t, now hell, catch any private citizens that pay their taxes. I was a great one to tell you about that. Why do you have to bother me? And I had all these speeches. And, you know, the priestess would just laugh all the way down to the station. Yes, I do. We know who you are. And I was late to come. I'm a friend of the judges. And one day I told them some lawyer's name. I'm afraid of that lawyer. They said he'll be in the cell right next to you. We got him. He can talk to you while you're down here. So, you don't... All that stuff I used to do, I don't have to do stuff like that anymore. I don' t have to drink. And the wonderful thing, The most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me in my lifetime is I am not obsessed with drinking. And to me, see there's a periodic, if there's any periodics in this room, you know that even though you're not drinking, you're thinking of drinking. Your mind is full of drinking all the time. Where am I? What am I going to wear? Who am I doing to drink with? Last time I did this, I'm going to do it this way. But my life centers on alcohol and today it doesn't. I believe so, and I think more about drinking it in the early evening than any other time. And I know that's because I'm trying to share and give away some of what's been given to me. And one other thing, I was in a meeting the other day and I almost saw the world because I was sitting in this meeting and I'm tired of hearing drugs of choice. Now, what in the hell do they mean by that? I didn't have any choice. And I don't recall sitting around in my lifetime ever thinking, Am I going to be an alcoholic or am I going to be a drug addict? This is what I'm going to do. And if I'm gonna be a drugs addict, do I want to be cocaine addict? Do I want to be a heroin addict? You know, that's choices. But once I became an alcoholic I didn't have any choice. Now, I didn' t know that. You know I learned that in AA. And when I picked up the first drink that set the rules in motion and I was convinced to do whatever I had to do until that little job was over. And it didn't matter, and nothing, nothing ever stopped me from drinking. I left my daughter, my little dog, she didn't know where I was for two years. I was good to myself, so I didn't go home. I went when somebody else was home and we were at their place. I didn' t bother my people, mainly because I had an aunt that was like an eight-foot gorilla and she didn't take nothing about killing me in jail. I got that in my mind one day. She might hit me if I don't show up, so I showed up. But, you know, this program, I can't say enough for it. If you're thinking of drinking, for God's sake, don't. It's a lot easier to stay here than it is to get back. I was not able to get Back to L.A. for quite a while when she stepped outside the magic circle. And you know why that is? You've lost the innocence of your first drink. When I came here, I didn't know I was an alcoholic, and you don't talk to me about it. I drank ignorant of that until I got in AA. And when I went out and drank, it was awful because I knew better. I knew that there was something I could do. And there used to be some people around here in this very group that would tell you there's no disgrace in being an alcoholic. But the disgrace is in being one and not being willing to do anything about it And all you have to do today is just about take that one drink and hang in there and just keep on keeping on. And eventually, you're going to be able to do the exertion. And to me, that's the greatest thing that's happened to me in an alcoholic phenomenon. And I thank you all, and I love you, andI hope you got something out. But I certainly enjoyed being here. Thank you. It got me the other night when I started the war, a friend of mine said, oh, since you've been sick, you've just been hanging out at the house by yourself, haven't you? I said, yeah. He said, well, are you here to talk? He says, I'm here because somebody asked you to speak somewhere so you can get all that out of your system. But you've got to lay there thinking about it. Thanks a lot.