The People-Pleasing That Kept Her a Different Person to Everyone – Sandy N.

About This Speaker Tape

California mountains, ten years of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, funded by Social Security checks that belonged to her children. Sandy N. lived as a different person to everyone she met, a shapeshifter hiding in a swimming pool of avoidance. She used meth to drink more and vodka to drown the wreckage of a husband’s suicide and a messy affair. The turning point came in a parking lot, talking to kids in a van, when the sudden realization that she hadn't finished high school hit her like a lightning bolt.

Even in early sobriety, the insanity lingered. She cheated the system in outpatient treatment, drinking in secret and keeping a "name-only" sponsor to check a box. It took a three-day binge and a brutal look in the mirror to finally surrender. Now, she works in detox, singing to clients to wake them up for meditation and guiding them through the same rigorous honesty that saved her life.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Sandy discusses her evolving relationship with other women in the program.
• 3:10 The houseboat vacation and the 'invisible line' into alcoholism.
• 5:20 The wreckage of her marriage and the suicide of her husband.
• 8:15 The 'lightning bolt' realization in a parking lot and the decision to move to Michigan.
• 11:30 The first encounter with the Big Book and the question of whether she is an alcoholic.
• 14:45 Laughter: The absurdity of her 'fake' sponsor during outpatient treatment.
• 17:20 The process of working the Fourth and Fifth Steps and the refusal of an extension.
• 20:10 The emotional weight of making amends to her daughter.
• 23:45 The internal battle over whether to list a secret drink on her second Fourth Step.
• 26:30 Working as a social worker in detox and using singing to wake up clients.
• 28:15 The support of the fellowship during the death of her child and her battle with cancer.