The Peanut Butter Sobriety Sandwich – Don C.

good evening everyone my name is Don see I'm an alcoholic I am a member of the Mohican nation I was born for the turtle clan on my mother's side I was borne for the coyote clan on my father's side and my Indian name is Tantanka Wombley that name was given to me by the elders when I was made the keeper of the sacred hoop. But in front of all that, my best name is I'm an alcoholic. I can't ever forget that. I have been fortunate in my recovery and even before that to have been in the circle of elders. And in our culture, we have a great respect for our elders. And one of the things they tell us is that whenever people gather together, we should take the time to connect with each other. and by that if I were to switch and speak in my own native tongue then what I was going to say next would be very easy but in English sometimes it's different you can't say the things the same and when they talk about connecting we're talking about the spiritual world and that world that we cannot see and when I refer to the spiritual world I don't mean religion I'm talking as soon as the eye cannot see it then that's in the spiritual word as soon your ear cannot hear it then it's in a spiritual world like you cannot see electricity but if you stick your finger in it you'll have a spiritual experience that's the world I'm talkin' about there are powers there and in our language we have a word that describes this connectedness in our languages called netashneha and what it means is there's many different levels of connectedness in the spiritual world the first one is usually done with one of the five physical senses as soon as you look at someone you can tell when your eye connects so in the old days the elders they were very very aware of that world now the second level of interconnectedness in our language is called netashnihan this is what it means it's like when you look at someone there's a second later there's feeling goes across that's netashanihan when it's connecting you can tell when you feel that then you nod and I think that's one of the things that's so present in AA is that feeling of connectedness. It doesn't matter whether you are not connected or not. If you walk into that room, you feel that connectedness, and that was the thing that brought me back to my first meeting. I felt that connectedeness that the old people talked about, and I think that's why the steps say we because it takes more than one. And so to get going and I guess to maybe help with my nervousness, I would like to show how we at gatherings get that feeling of connectedness going. And the first thing before we get going I would offer is these four colors of cloth. It stands for the four directions, red, yellow, black, and white. but it also represents the human being and what the old people tell us is that the creator did not make four races the creator only made one race just like you have flowers, different color flowers you have birds, different colored birds and a human being when we're born they say the creator gives to each one of us an earth suit it's just a suit some are red some are yellow some are black some are white and then when we come out of the womb then we are different but the skin this is not who I am and so when we do this ceremony then it means that we look in this room and we see all different kind of earth suits and it's always this alcohol you know it's an EEO disease like it was said earlier it doesn't care whether you're red, yellow, black or white and that's what we have in common is the alcohol in that we come in here and we sit in these rooms and we look past the earth to look inside each other and then we become one just a human the humans exactly how the creator made us And so I put those colors down there. And the elders, they say, you say that because then no one feels excluded. We want you here, everyone. We belong here. This is where we come together to recover. And then what I'm going to do is I'm gonna light just a little bit of sage. It's a plant that we use. We were taught that every plant has a medicine. pharmaceutical companies know this to be true they're always looking for that plant so they can find that medicine then they sell it now uh we are taught that every plant is sacred it has a medicine you know we human beings we're kind of weird sometimes like when we don't like something then we label it like you see a certain plant if you don't Like it you call it darn weed you know Or we see some kind of animal. We don't like it. Oh, that pest. Like maybe it shouldn't be here. And that's one good thing about what we have to do here is we look at everyone. It doesn't matter what you did, how many times you did it, where you come from. You're not a weed. You're nicht ein Pest. You're a human and we want you here. And so the sage, what it does is it has a medicine, and it helps with that feeling of connecting. And that's why the old people say, the elders say, start that way. And then what we do is we just light a little bit of it, and then we'll use this eagle feather, and when you light the medicine, then it comes out in the smoke of the plant. that's how the medicine gets out of the plant and then we take this eagle feather and then you run that feather on top of that plant so the medicine sticks to the feather and then when you take that medicine you throw it and it goes a great distance and it is used to help us to connect with each other and then they say too that whenever you are you hold the eagle feather or you stand in the presence of an eagle feather you can't lie you must always tell the truth So I'm going to just leave this layout here because I'm an alcoholic, you know. And so I'll just lay it there, you know, just in case. And one of the, I have been, from the time I was picked up at the airport, I have been just treated so well, just so well here. And it was of a great surprise to me to see so many of my relatives here. You know, the groups that come down from different places and it just really makes me feel good. And I love seeing our Native women here. Someday we men are going to have to apologize to our women. They are the ones that have held our communities together. They hold our families together. Through all the things that have went with our peoples, it has been our women have been our strength and so it's with their permission I ask to speak tonight, to be in their presence. Our women are sacred beings and it's just really an honor for me to see our people here. It used to be you didn't see many here now we're seeing more and more and more so you guys better watch out pretty soon you won't be having steak you'll be having fry bread out there you know but fry bread's good and then I want to thank that relative also that bought this medicine this is something within our tradition that is done has a great meaning to us And so I want to also thank you for that. Well, I was told here just to tell my story, what happened and what it was like and what it's like now. and probably the best way I could share my story is maybe to tell you a story some of you here know Don P he was very instrumental in the early days of my recovery and he was the one I first heard this story from and it had a great significance when I heard this story, because I related to this story very, very well. And he said that there was this place, an arena, and it was like a boxing ring was there. And in one corner of this arena was one of the boxers. His name was Alcohol in the black trunks. And in another corner, there was another boxer in the white trunks, and that was me. And there was a lot of people coming in, and they were sitting in that arena to watch this match. And they were filling up and filling up, and everybody was waiting. You know how that is? Like when they have those events, they usually put a little ribbon on the front row, and that's where they save seats for your family so they can have a close view of what's going on. And so my family came in and sure enough they moved that ribbon and they let him sit right in the front so there was nothing to block so they could see what was about to happen. And so pretty soon a referee come out there and he called us to the center and he said, I'm going to explain the rules here so that we want this fight to be fair. and so he said no hitting below the belt and he explained his rules very carefully and he said if you're in agreement he said both of you hit your gloves so we did that both me and alcohol we understood the rules and so we went and we sat down and it wasn't very long that bell rang and we hopped out there and we started fighting you know in the first round it was kind of cool it was kind of fun we were dancing around punching the weight at each other the alcohol had like a charisma something about the alcohol I was kindof memorized by this alcohol and so the bell rang we sat down staring at one another and I got up the bell ring we got out there and started bouncing around and it wasn't very long the alcohol I don't know how it did it but it snuck in this one punch and it just really stung a little bit and I kind of caught my attention and the alcohol said hey that was just a lucky punch he says you can whip me restored my confidence because I knew of my assessment of that that I would be able to whip this alcohol and so Bell rung we stood down got up And we got out there again. By the third, fourth round, that alcohol is stinging me more than I thought in the same round. And I keep looking at this alcohol and it would just say, hey, it was just a lucky punch. He says, you can whip me. And somehow deep down in my innermost being I knew I could whip this alcohol. I just knew it. And then as I sat down, next thing I noticed is people started to leave. It was kind of boring, I guess. And I just kind of caught that out the corner of my eye. And so that bell rang and we got out there and this time the alcohol, it hit below the belt and I look at that referee and the referee didn't say nothing but that was one of the rules. It wasn't supposed to fight dirty like that but he started to fight dirtily And it wasn't very long, pretty soon I started to swell up and I started to hurt and the alcohol was really hurting and I was getting all scarred up. And by the sixth or seventh round I'm sitting there just all bruised up and I'm staring over at the alcohol and it's got this big smile on its face and it kind of made me determined. And pretty soon I felt this tug of my arm and I looked down there and my son, he come up and he said, he says, Dad, Mom says let's go. She said, just come on with us and let's get out of here. And I looked down at him and I says, you tell your mama one more round. I said, I'm going to show my stuff. I've been kind of holding back. I'm going to show you and so he went back and I was really determined I was focused on alcohol bell rung we got out there and this time alcohol is doing the duty my knees are wobbly just really hurting and I can't hardly see it's like screaming you can whip me and inside this voice got even stronger I knew that I could and so the bell rong I went back and I sit down and I'm staring at alcohol and pretty soon I felt this tug of my arm and this time it's one of my daughters and I looked at her and I said what and she says mom said if you don't go now we're going to leave she says we're gonna leave and I just tell her one more round you guys just sit there just one more around so I got out there and the alcohol was just dropping me to my knees and I'm not sure I know when they left. I'm Not Sure I Know when that left, but I was so obsessed with that alcohol and then by the last round when that bell would ring I was like on my knees going out there to whip that alcohol it kept saying you can whip me, but now I'm on my knee and that alcohol is just kicking and doing all the things it wasn't supposed to do until I fell flat on my face. I could only see the alcohol's tenor shoes. And I guess it was there I had this moment of clarity that I said to myself, you know, this alcohol is lying. It's not. There's something wrong here. And so I crawled out that arena and as I was going out this alcoholic screaming, and you can whip me, you can whip me. And I said, I don't think so. So I got out there and so I started to do a little personal work. And I started feeling pretty good, you know. I started reading books and trying to get my act together. And then about a month, I started thinking. I said I think I know one more move. I think I know a thing that it doesn't know. So I made that decision. I He said, I'm going to go back there. This isn't going to take long. And so I walked in that arena. And there that alcohol is standing in that corner with his arms on those ropes. And with confidence, I said to alcohol, I say, Alcohol, I am back. And he said,I know you would be. I know you'd be back because you can whip me. And so, I, uh, I says, Yes, I can. And so I went up there, and the alcohol didn't even let me crawl in the ropes. It wasn't supposed to do that either. And I got dropped right away. And it didn't take very long before I was just looking at the alcohol's tennis shoes again. And so once more I crawled out of that arena. And the alcohol had really done a lot of damage. and so I did some more personal work and then I got thinking again I said you know I think I know a move I'm going to go back in there and this time I went back in there and alcohol was standing right there waiting and I went back in their alcohol did it quicker this time so once again I crawled out of that arena. And the last time I was in that arena was August 10th, 1978. And I haven't found it necessary to go back to that arena because I know alcohol is still waiting there. And it was with that that I came to you people. It took what it took, but I came to you. And I think my moment of clarity, it happened really outside of Colorado Springs where I live there's a park there, they call it Garden of the Gods and it's a very beautiful place used to be a very sacred place to the Arapaho and the Utes and I always felt really connected in that Garden of the Gods. So by that time my drinking had progressed that I drank alone I didn't have friends who would go drinking with me because I was a little bit too unpredictable. I never knew what was going to go on or what I would do with it, you know? I was sharing with Lyle earlier, you know, I go in a country western bar and I just want to be by myself. And I would sit there and I don't know why it was, but I always had easy resentments against cowboys. I just hated cowboys and that's how stupid I was. you go in a country western bar I'm the only Indian in there and I'm sitting there getting resentments for cowboys and so I got a lot of experiences getting out of those country western bars and getting stupid busting them in the head with pool sticks and stuff like that it was not good so by then I had learned how to play guitar and I like country and western music and the ones that I liked the most was Hank Williams and there are 129 Hank Williams songs and I knew all 129 Hank Williams song so I used to take my guitar and my whiskey and I would go out to that garden of gods and that's where I would drink and there was this place you had to kind of walk to get there but there was these rocks you had to crawl up on and you know how sometimes a tree will grow out of a rock. It was like that and it was this big pine tree and it only had about three branches that was alive on it and then all the rest of that tree was dead. And I felt very connected to that tree because it was almost dead and so was I. And so that's where I used to like to go. So I went up to this one particular night and I had my whiskey and I I had my guitar and I said, go up there and I was going to sing. And as I was climbing up on that rock, I slipped and I come tumbling down that rock and I ended up kind of with my face in the dirt. Somehow my feet was tangled up in something. I was trying to figure out what was going on there. And somewhere this thought came in my mind. it was almost like I had a fast forward of my life. When I was raised by my grandfather I was raised in a traditional way and everything that I thought I would do I didn't do that. I ended up losing everything that I loved. My children, spouse, everything you know it went in that videotape in my head it went by and I just asked a creator to help me. That's all I said and it wasn't, it just came in my mind to help me to live because I knew I was dying and I just had a funny feeling, a feeling come over me and then I don't remember too much more of that. It was just a thing. It's like a turning point is how the big book says. I got at this turning point and it was from there that I went into treatment and I didn't stay sober when I got out of treatment I was drunk 24 hours after I was out of treatment so then I decided to come to AA and so I didn' t tell nobody I was going to come to AA, I knew where the meeting was I went and found it down on Tejon Street in Colorado Springs I went down there during the day to see where it was then that night I knew it started at 8 o'clock so that night I went down there on Tejon Street and it's a place where the cars park diagonal and so I drove by that door to that AA meeting and there was one slot right in front of that door so I said I'm going to drive around the block and if that spot is still there then it means I'm gonna go in there. So I drove around that block and there were people coming to that meeting. It was getting close to meeting time but they seemed to be parking on the other side of the street. So, I looked at that and I said, now I'm going to go around this block one more time and if that slot's open, I'll go in there. I drove as slow as that old res car would go around that bloc and I come there and there it was, still there. So I drove in there and I walked up the stairs to go into the AA meeting and my first comment to myself when I went in that meeting I stood there and I looked and I said, oh my God all white people are in here, you know. And so there was a man come there and he just shook my hand and told me where the coffee pot was so I couldn't leave so I sat there and I don't remember a lot from that first AA meeting it was really a mixed up thing there were a couple of things I really resented out of that first meeting one was is how you guys was telling on yourself oh I'm selfish and I'm judgment and I am self-righteous and I'm going, man, what is the matter with these white people? Why are they saying? At home you never admit no weaknesses. You don't tell nobody nothing, you know. And the second thing that I really resented was your laughter. They were just laughing and they'd say something and they would laugh and clap their hands and I didn't see anything funny about nothing that you guys had said. But when I left there, there was something there. Today I know what it was. Netashniha. That word means the touch of love. It's a feeling of love is what that word means. Netashiniha. But I didn't know. I don't think you guys even knew what that was. But you know how to care for that drunk when they walk in there. That's what it was. And so, when I came back, when I come to you, I had slipped after that and came back. Slipped, come back. And you guys kept saying, keep coming back. You know, they're so weird. You know? Keep coming back and like you meant it. You know. I went to a meeting drunk And he still said, keep coming back. And it was really new to me to have that experience. But when I come back that last time, my family was gone by then. And the reason I come to AA was alcohol. Alcohol drove me right into your arms. And that last times when I came back, I was willing to do anything. I had no resistance I didn't care if you were white or what I only knew you knew something I didn' t know and I had no resistance so I knew one of the things that I had heard by then was I needed to get a sponsor and so I kind of watched around and I saw this man his name is Big Frank and I asked him to be my sponsor and so he said well we'll talk about it and he's about 6 foot 6 I think he's a very very big man he's all scarred up he was hit with an ugly stick very early in his sobriety and he was kind of fearful but there was something about that man why I would ask him I don't know. There was just that thing about him. So I asked him to be my sponsor. And so after the meeting, we talked. And he was very sarcastic. His nature was to be sarcastic from my point of view. And he said to me, he said, you know, he said I've been around these rooms, I think it was 18 years or something like that at that time. And he says, I watch you Indians. He said, all the time. He said way in the back row. He said that's what you guys always said. And he said, you never say nothing. He said you don't talk. And he said sometimes you're here a couple of months. He said sometimes not. He said your guys are really weird. He said this thing I don't think it works for you guys. You know he said something about you guys are so weird you don' t get it when you come in here. and he was it's like he was enjoying delivering that message to me you know I don't know if you've ever been a little kid your parents get you a puppy and you tease that puppy you rub it in the face like that until it starts to growl that's how I felt he was saying to me you guys don't get it and I remember I just sat there and I looked at him just really strong and I just thought to myself I thought, I'll show you, you white son of a bitch. I'll get it. You just do this. But he told me some things. He says, first of all, I'm going to tell you some things I'm not. He said, I ain't your taxi cab. Don't be asking me for a ride. he goes you go like that right I ain't your banker don't ask me for no money I ainít your motel donít be staying around my place and he said there is there is some things I can Iíll tell you what Iíll give you one is he said kind of snapped his fingers he said I just decided right now Iím going to be your friend whether you like me or not any dang thing that you can do about it He said, it's not conditional. I decided for the rest of your life, I'm your friend. And then he said, there's some other things. He said to me, I know some things you don't know. He said like, I know how to stay sober. And he said you brown little son of a bitch, you know nothing about staying sober. You know, it was just like, you know, just rubbing me like that. But then he went on to say, he said, and he took this big book like this and he said this is how much 164 pages are. And he said if you do exactly what's in these 164 pages, he said you will never have to drink again. And I wasn't able to show many emotions. All I had in my insides was hate. I was a very hateful, angry person. But some of you will know if somebody tells you, if you do this, you will never have to drink again. He said, this program A is not about slipping. He says, if you follow the instructions, no matter what, you Will never have to Drink Again. and it made like a lump in my throat. I never heard anybody say that you'll never have to drink again. So then he decided that we could work together. In a way, he did that. He said, we work together because we want to work together so you don't have to work with me and I don't need to work and I won't have to work with you either. He said, supposing I just part my hair different. You don't like it. Quit. He said. Don't even tell me. We do it because we want to do it together. That's how he set it up. And so he took a schedule. Meetings. And he circled six meetings that I was to attend. The seventh. I could choose whatever meeting I wanted to go to. But six of them he chose. a traditions meeting, big book study 12 step there were six of them that he chose and he said I want you to go to these meetings and he says when you get there and they start the meeting you say your name is Don and you're an alcoholic and he's like that's all you're to say you've got nothing nobody wants you've nothing to offer so just shut up just say your names Don you're alcoholic that's it don't talk after through the third step then you see we'll consider maybe letting your lips move so i went there and uh i did exactly that and um i remember i saw in about six months i was going to these meetings and uh i went to this one meeting and uh this indian woman walked in there and she was a she was fine looking indian women to me and she sat down across that table and she looked at me like that. Natashniha was very, very strong. I think at home we call that snagging, right? We have a word for that too. And so I kind of looked around to either side to see if it might have been somebody behind me but it wasn't. She was fixed right on myself and I got thinking, you know. I am not going to make much progress here If I just say my name is Don, I'm an alcoholic. I said, you've got to at least quote the book or something. You know, you got to say page 86 or whatever. 449, you know. So I started to share a little bit. And when I quote that book, that Indian woman had the biggest smile on her face. I could tell I was really making progress. And so it worked. We went for a cup of coffee. know afterwards and i was really feeling good when i come back home i had a very small apartment in denver then but then i'd move there and i walked in the door and you know it was like uh i guess like a teenager or something oh you're going yes you know you're all by yourself or whatever you know giving the signs you know so that phone rings you know and i i was so happy i pick up the phone. I go, hello. I thought maybe it was her, but you know who it was? Big Frank. That's who it was. You little son of a bitch. What are you doing talking? I heard your lips was moving, you know. Their sponsors are like the internet. They're everywhere. They find out everything. So then what he had told me was that in this big book here that there was instructions in there. Now, I had read that big book before. And my honest point of view, the first time I read it, that was the most boring book that I ever read in my whole life. And I didn't see no instructions in this Big Book anywhere. But then he started to show me. and what he said was he showed me these 12 proposals and he said there's two questions. Before we start he said there's 2 questions that you're to ask with each of these 12 steps. One question is do you want to do step 1? Do you want the to do the step? And a second question I was to answer is are you willing to go to any length to do that step? And I was going to answer those 2 questions for each of those 12 proposals. And he said to me, one of the reasons for that is you don't have to work steps to stay sober. It was his opinion. Half the AA stayed sober and they didn't work steps. He said he'd talk about it. But they never really worked that. I remember I was sitting in his kitchen and he was cooking some lunch and he knew I liked peanut butter. I was just making like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or whatever. And so as he's making it, you know, and he'd give it to me and he's talking about AA. And he said, he said AA is like a banquet. He said up on one end you've got like lobster and steak and then he said further on down, you've gotta like meatloaf and then further on done you've go grilled cheese. And he says you can even have peanut butter sobriety if you want. And here I'm sitting here eating this peanut butter sandwich and, you know, it's like, always rubbing your face. Then sometimes we go to a meeting together. You know how your sponsor will sit there and they try to get your attention. They're trying to connect like that. You know, just doing everything not to look at them. You know? They're tying to hook you with that. And they touch you, you Know how they do? So finally I'd look at him and he'd look at me and he'd go, he'd make that noise, you know, like there's peanut butter was in my mouth. But then as we got more into this big book, he showed me the first 43 pages had to do a step one. And it was his requirement that I read that 25 times. I had to read those 43 pages. He said, because your mind doesn't maintain very, very much. And when I went to a meeting no matter what meeting I went through, I always had to look at it from the point of view of step one. If it was an 11-step meeting, I had to be from the point of vue of step 1. And he went on to tell me, he said, the only problem you've got now in the world is the step you're on. He said there's no other problems, just working the step that you're wrong. and so as we continued to do that then he showed me on page 52 in the big book where the instructions were for the unmanageability and he called it the un-manageable paragraph and in that paragraph it says something to the effect we were having problems with personal relationships we couldn't control our emotional nature we were full of fear, we couldn'T make a living and he had me take that sentence and flip it into a question and I had to look at personal relationships Not what they were doing, but how was I acting in those personal relationships? So I had to look at my spouse. How was I handling that? Attacking her, running, shutting down. So I have to look back at myself. I looked at my part into it, and as I looked at relationship after relationship after relationship, I went, my God. That's all I knew is I attacked, made fun of them, put them down, manipulated, run, left go away. In every area of my life that was the only... I guess buying more time is what I thought was successful or hiding it more or whatever and I found out I didn't know anything and so each of those nine areas I was to look at that in terms of the unmanageability and so I took that work back to him and then he showed me the instructions for step 2, chapter 2 agnostics. And I had to read that 25 times. Then he had me take those 9 areas from step 1 and by the time I got done and came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, he had me make 9 visions from each of those areas in step 2. So once I looked at the unmanageability of my personal relationships in step one, then I had to make a vision of what would it look like if we were working. If our relationship could be effective and there was a higher power, how would that power make me be in relationships? And I had draw nine areas in step two. And when I got that done, I took that back to him and he told me that vision that you created in step 2 will be your having had a spiritual awakening in step 12. He said, and that's all you get. Whatever is in that vision then this is what will happen to you. So if you're wondering what that spiritual awakening will be like, he said it's the work that you did in step 2. And so I was just willing to do whatever he said. when he said do this I just did it and I went to those meetings and it was just it was awesome to me how much you knew and how much I didn't know it's like I knew nothing but you knew everything that was of value to me where I was at that time so then he showed me the instructions for step three made a decision to turn our will and our lives over and the way he looked at that is when you got to that part, we were now at step three, that every sentence was an instruction. It wasn't just something you read. So when it said our life was run on self-propulsion, when we went through that third step, he would read that and he'd say, now give me some examples. Is your life that way? Are you the actor? What's your examples of acting? And he went through that whole thing and that's how I was to take that third steps. And I had some fears on that third step. I think because, I guess we all come in here sometimes with different perceptions of God or the Creator. My early beliefs in God came from mission school that was on the reservations. Some of you understand this, but we had one church on the reservation and they always had food that you could get and they would give you clothes and stuff, But you always had to go for the sermon first. They wouldn't give them to you because you had to go for The Pitch, whatever, you know. And so one year, the Pentecostals, they would be in there at this church. So we all go to that church and then you had learned how to, you had to go like this and then pretty soon you get your clothes and get the food and everything and zip, they'd run out of money and then the Catholics would come in there. And so then the Catholic's, you don't do that. They do a different thing. So we all had to learn how to do those things. Then you get the food, and then you get... And even, you know, like in mission school, you know when you're a little kid, a nun is very huge. They're very, very big. You know, when you were really small like that, and they're, whoa, they're... You know and they would be talking to you and they'd talk about heaven and hell and you know you don't want to go to hell. and they would say, like, you ever been burnt? I'd say, yeah. When you get to hell, your whole body is going to burn. You're just full of blisters, they go. And the little kid, you're sitting there going, holy shit. Has he ever been thirsty? Well, there ain't no water in hell. So what you're going to have is a blistered body and there ain'T no water and it's forever. Now you want to seek God? You go, you bet I do. You know, you better I do and so in a way you didn't seek God because of God you had the flames of hell licking your ass I better seek God and so then I come to you and you want me to turn my life over to this thing well I don't know but I was at a meeting one time and I heard this guy tell his story sometimes the stories I guess because you know the elders they tell stories and then there's like a meaning to them and maybe I was raised that way so a lot of things like the stories that you tell they really help me a lot because I can relate to that but this guy told a story about third step it was a third step meeting and he said there was this pond and he says there was four frogs sitting in a log in that pond then he said one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water and he said now how many frogs is left on that log I said three, he said no, he says there's four he said that frog it was a setner making that decision to jump and he says when you make this decision to turn your life over to the creator like that frog would do it, then God makes that into an orange frog three green frogs the frog that made the decision now becomes an orange frog because I used to get mixed up in the AA you know they say well I turned my life over and then I took it back and I turned it over and took it away and I was going whoa but the way he said it was he said like once you become an orange fraud he said that's it supposing you turn your life over to the creator on Friday and then Sunday you get pissed off at somebody he said you're just a pissed off orange frog and he said I suppose Thursday you know it don't get any better and you go get drunk he said then you're a drunk orange frog and to me I went duh what this thing is asking is do I want to be an orange frog so I went to Frank and I said I'm ready to take that third step so then me and that old man he went through that line by line through all the instructions in the big book made me relate my experience to it and so then we got on our knees and held hands and he read that third step prayer and then I read that third step prayer and so when that was done I said well now what and he reached behind his chair and he pulled out a yellow legal paper a ruler and a pencil and by the time I left there he had showed me how to write a five column inventory the person's name in the first column, what they did in the second column the third column, there were seven things I was to consider for third column. Self-esteem, ambitions, etc. And then in the fourth column I was to write the defects of character. And in the fifth column I was to put the name if I owed any amends that I had hurt somebody. Four column fear inventory and eleven column sex inventory. And he showed me how to do that. And so I started to write that inventory. And the first inventory I wrote, he said you write a prayer on top of each page. God help me to be, God help me to remember. God helpme to be honest and God give me courage to do this inventory. So I had to write a prior on top every page. and as I wrote that I was writing this inventory and one of the things that came up for me was it was a secret that no one knew and it was my sexual abuse I was abused by an uncle when I was 9, 10 and 11 weekly weekends all sorts of things went on nobody ever knew he would come over to the house to get me to go and help them do this garden and I was a little kid. I'd run in bed, cover up, pretend I was sick and my mother would say you lazy little thing, you get out there you've got to work so I knew what was going to happen out there and then what happened next there was a big party on the reservation one night a wild party and somebody shot him six times right in the chest and that morning I heard that he was dead, I was happy I was so happy that that man was gone but it was my mother's most favorite brother of all her brothers, 16 brothers and sisters in her family and that was her favorite and she never was the same and when I saw how sad she was and how happy I was you know then you get those feelings and I kept that for a secret for a long long long time something I didn't want anybody to know that that happened because when you grow up with that, then it looks like you don't talk, you don t trust, you d n t feel. That s how it seems. Even in relationships, I could not be successful in relationships. They say, You re a wall builder. I m not either. How about your own damn walls? Whatever. But I had a way of keeping distance and I really mixed people up. I said, Come on, come on. No, no, no. I really mix people up because you're driving them nuts. So I wrote that inventory, in the fear inventory, in the sex inventory. And when I got that done, one of the things they really made me sure I had to tell everything, the dark crannies. You've got to tell anything. If you don't, you drink. and so I wrote that inventory but I didn't exactly follow instructions I did all the column inventory but that sixth stuff I put it on another piece of paper and I didnít include it in the book and so this one particular Friday night my inventory had been done about a week and I knew it was good I knew everything was on there and so that afternoon I started to get that feeling you know that one like your wrists get nervous and your ankles go like that and you start thinking about I'm going to go down to the bar, buy a pack of cigarettes and maybe I'll have a Pepsi while I'm there. And I knew what the deal was. I was headed for that bar and I could feel it getting stronger and stronger and stronger and I knew I either had to fifth step or drink. That's what I knew. It was that moment again. Alcohol driving me to see what decision would I make. So I call up Frank and they had just taken him to the hospital. And I went, oh no. So there's this another guy in AA. I call him and he wasn't home. So it was this third one I called him and I didn't know him really well. I had heard him in meetings a couple of times. You know, it's kind of hard like your first one to call somebody that's a stranger and say, I want to do a fifth step. It's hard to do that. Hard for me anyway. So I was kind of making a conversation on the phone. Finally he said, He said, do you need to do a fifth step? And I went, man, yeah, I really need to do a sixth step. So I put the coffee on. So I went over there and we drank coffee and I had my little notebook and I read everything to him. And he says, is that it? I says, well, that's it. I said, that wasn't just too bad. And he said, I'm going to make us another pot of coffee. And so as I was making that coffee, he started telling me some of the stuff that he fifth stepped. And I'm telling you, it was juicy stuff that he told me that he did, you know. And so then, I mean, it Was sick. That guy was really sick. So then as he poured us a cup of coffee, I said, You know, I do have a little bit more that I would like to read to you. So I pulled out of my pocket and I can remember I was thinking to myself, You know. I said Okay, I'll read this. But you tell on me, son of a bitch. I'll tell on you too because you're really sick." But see, I didn't know he had freedom. He had the freedom to do that. I didn' t know that. You know, I thought it was something else. And so I started to read what was in there and it was really hard. And he would just put his hand on my shoulders and he'd say, Just read another one. Just do one more. And I would read that and I would choke up and sometimes my stomach... I couldn't believe that I was telling to the Creator and myself and to this man what I had written on that paper. Just one more, just one more. Even his eyes would water. You know, he was... That connectedness, netashnea. He was right there with me. And I could tell it. He wasn't joking. He knew what had to be done. And I got through that. I got though all that dark cranny stuff. And so he then showed me in the big book how to do a review. I was to review the five proposals when I got back home. So he said, I'll say by the telephone if there's something there you need to tell me so I'll be right here so I went through and done that and then he showed me the promises of fifth step and he said the odd steps have the promises but they're not free there's a condition you gotta meet withholding nothing then you get it withhold something you don't every set of promises has a condition to it and so it was there that I started to read those promises. You can look the world in the eye. You can be at peace, and I had read that before, but it was way different when I started to read that. It was just like a light come on, and I got out of there, and I started to... I was different, and you know, one of the things happened like the freedom of the sexual abuse. I was getting feelings and I didn't know what they were. It's weird because you think, you know what happy feelings are? Sad, compassion, understanding. I didn'T know what those feelings were and I was really close to my sister at that time and so she lived in Denver so I went up to her And I would say, I would try to describe this feeling. You know, it's like you stutter. And she'd say, what that feeling is, it means you care. She says, that's how it feels to care. I did things for people. I thought, I didn't know it was a feeling. I didn't know that when you are sad and you have a lump in your throat that I could get a lump in my throat that's that connectedness I never knew it was that way people thought I was on drugs I mean all of a sudden I could hug I couldn't touch before that it was really weird the first time I held hands with you guys I just about vomited holding hands with a guy Jesus. I couldn't, you know, it was just the weirdest thing. You know, we didn't do that stuff, at least the circles I hung around in. It was like learning to be a human being maybe for the first time. And so then I got into my step six and seven, the character defects. And that thing really confused me for a while because every time I would turn those defects over what would happen is everything would turn to shit and so I said it can't be working you know and so i'd go and do some other stuff and i try to turn them over and it's like things got worse so i thought i was really doing something wrong until i was in a meeting one time and i heard this guy tell a story about step six and seven and he said supposing that you're baking a cake and uh so you get the stove turning on 350 and then you put the flour sugar we know whatever to bake it, you stir it, and you get ready. And he says, when a cake is ready to be cooked, he says you open up the oven, and he said you put it in and you close the door. And then the cake would be baked by the stove. And he said what you've got to do is when you come to steps six and seven you've gotta put those in the oven and let God bake you. He says what you're doing is you put them in and you wait like that and you go how's it going? Close the door back up. Wait, wait, wait. How's it goin'? See, close it back up. He said, just put them in there and let God bake you. And I went, duh. You know, and that's what I learned to do. I just turned those over. It didn't matter what was going on. I said, I'm not going to inspect that no more. I will let God make me. And so I was from there. I went to that fifth column from the resentment inventory and a column from The Sex Inventory and I had my list for amends. And I had a lot of amends to make. Some tough amends. One financial amendment took me eight years to pay it, monthly payments. I go cut a deal. Because I thought how the amends work, I thought you didn't get the freedom until you paid the debt. But the freedom is making the arrangements and then making your word good. If you say you're going to pay every month for eight years, pay it. The freedom's not in when it's done. Because it was then I could look that man in the eye. when I was making the payments to do the thing that I said I would do. And so I went ahead and I made my amends. My sponsor was very adamant that the amends are made in person, not over the phone, not by mail. Your first pass is to make them in person. And some of them I couldn't find because I had done some traveling. Do you know the telephone company in Denver, Colorado? in the basement they have a phone book of every phone book I think in the United States. And he would send me down there trying to find a list of the people so I could make these darn amends. So I went ahead and I did that. And then it was that that got me to steps 10 and 11. The first 18 months that I did 10 and11, I would just read it out of the book. Then I started working with a man named Johnny Looking Cloud. In his one, he says you don't read this sentence. He said when it says you think about the 24 hours ahead, that's what you're supposed to do. Think about the 24 hours ahead. And when it said you ask the creator to divorce this day from self-pity, dishonesty and self-seeking motives, it's a prayer. Creator, remove this day. I was just reading it thinking I was doing it. And so eventually I started to get some balance in steps 10 and 11. and went to meetings on 10 and 11. I started to grow in effectiveness on those steps. And I was instructed to go through a set of steps every year. Not everyone has to do that, but that's how I was sponsored. And so each year, I don't go back to step one. It's like go forward to step 1. and the way Johnny Looking Cloud told me he said that I watched you when you come in he said you were in darkness and he said this little beam of light come on your head and pretty soon that little beam of light started to grow and he says you got a circle of light around you and that's when you start to get a little clarity got some room to move and make choice and decisions but on the outside of that circle is the darkness and he called it the mystery and he said so when you do another set of steps you go forward to it, to step into the mystery to see will the magic work again will it work again stepping out into that into the unknown that's what our Indian word for the creator is called a mystery the great mystery and so I do that every year I have not missed, every year I go through a set of step When I was four years sober, I was really doing a lot of work in that, and all of a sudden everything started to turn to crap. I'd go to meetings, and meetings would just suck. And I'd call up my sponsor, and he was really stupid. And I read the big book, and there was nothing more in there to learn, you know? and I was just, it started to fall apart. And I knew I was in danger. I couldn't grasp, I couldn'T pray. Praying, 11th step, ah, you know. How many days in a row can you consider your morning and plan your day and ask for this? And, you Know, I just couldn'T, I didn'T want to grow. I was tired, youKnow, I Just, Everything was, Just sucked. so I went up to see Johnny Looking Cloud and he was in the program sober a long long long time but he was also very active with the culture he didn't see AA as separate it was only one, it was one spiritual program so I was telling him I'm losing it and I just explained to him so he said how long have you been sober exactly and he used to whittle on wood when I would go there so he's whittling and he says Oh, he said, you're right on schedule. And that's the last thing you want to hear. Let go and let God. You let go and like God. I'm in crisis. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God does give you more than your family can handle so that's why you panic. That's how it seemed to me. But then he said everything travels in circles or cycles. seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter, the moon goes around. So he started to bring into this the culture and he started to show me that when you come into the program and you catch a skolt, usually for many of us how we don't know that but it's started by grace. That's how it was for me. I think I got my recovery going not because of my efforts. I thing there were three forces. One is I had divine intervention from the Creator. The second was, the woman I was married to at that time went to Al-Anon. And I remember the weekend she got Al- Anon because my damn life changed, I'm telling you. It was really something that brainwashing on her worked or whatever they did. But she took no more crap from me. She wasn't arguing. She wasn'T covering for me. my life changed. And I think it was there were prayers of my family. My relatives prayed and they had ceremonies and those things were done. That's how I think because I wasn't no effort of my own. So he told me, he said the first year is like you bud and then the second year those buds unfold so now it's like a tree you kind of know who you are. Then the third year is that like the harvest time. And you've got the fruits, harvests and nuts. And just like an oak tree would be standing out there the third year and you've Got fruits and yellow leaves and foliage and people are taking your pictures and it's like you can do no wrong when you're in that fall season. You still get flat tires but right in front of the gas station. There's a flow to it. And you say I'm in the groove. Now just like that oak tree is standing out there, you know, and then all of a sudden it comes into the winter season. And all of the sudden, timber changes a little bit, gust of wind comes along, and a few of the leaves fall off. You know, trees being positive. I'm a step worker. I go to meetings. And then timber changes a Little bit, and gust of win comes along, half the leaves go away. Now, you still try to be positive. You Know, the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh. And I am an abundance thinker, and I do affirmations, and You know, I sponsor people and all that. But inside there's this feeling. And inside, even though you're saying all of that, inside this little voice is going, shit. Because that tree knows it's losing all of its leaves. And so when a tree doesn't have its leaves, it's no longer, it's lost because it's supposed to be making oxygen in doing that. So Johnny Looking Cloud said, every four years, there's three questions you can't answer. One is, why am I? So you lose your purpose. And you go around and say, I don't know who I am anymore. And then, who am I, identity. And then the third is direction. And so what happens is reflection. You start getting very, very reflective. He said a lot of people slipped during that third to fourth year. Then it happens again seven to eight, and again 11 to 12, and Again 15 to 16. And it's not that you're doing something wrong. He said even in relationships, two people come together, every four years that relationship will go through like a little struggle. Four years, seven, eight, because that's how it is. Everything travels in circles or cycles. So he taught me how three years you do steps to kind of in a certain way, but the fourth year you work the set of steps to give up everything. You've got to give out your clarity, your power, give up meetings, the book the steps. He said because you end up making them little pocket gods and you don't know it. So you get in a little trouble gotta call my sponsor. My sponsor saves my ass. He says not really only the creator saves your ass Oh I gotta go to a meeting. Meeting save my ass? Not really So you create this little pocket god so you go somewhere else instead of going to the creator. So he says you gotta give up everything except trusting God. Gotta let everything go during that fourth year and then you come out and you bud you go on to that next part I'll just close with two things one was I took these 12 steps to a group of elders when I was about 7 or 8 years sober I think in my own arrogance or whatever it was the elders were in a circle and I said I come here to get your advice on something I have this white man's program they called it 12 steps and I was explaining about the white men's program. By then, I started to come back to the culture, so I was trying to fit the culture in, so it was like two different programs. So they asked, they said, we don't understand this 12 steps. So I said, well, I'll explain them to you the best that I can. And so I went through an overview with them of those 12 steps, and when we got done, they said oh, that's not a white man's program, they said that's how we do it. That's a real old traditional way. and it was called natural order that when you are out of harmony there's certain steps like a plant, like a flower it's got to be a stem then the leaves, then the bulb, then the flower. There's an order to things and he said when a human being goes out of harmony with the principle laws and values of the earth, the mother earth there is an order that you come back to find the harmony again they said the only thing that we would do is we would put those steps in a circle so they had us draw a circle we put three steps in the east like where the sun comes up and they said that's the four of the four directions that's where you find your relationship with the creator the higher power new day new beginning then steps four five and six is in the south the inventory steps that's where you find yourself your strength and your weaknesses step 7, 8, 9 in the west like the sunset that's the forgiveness where you start to establish your relationship with all of those that you hurt you put yourself back to the clan back to people so you build your relationships with others then 10, 11, 12 in the north that's elders wisdom wisdom to maintain in that day and so we found out then it started to make sense because I think inside of us the way that we're taught is to think circles or cycles and we started to do that and then later on they showed us how to do a ceremony with each of the 12 steps in a traditional way today before I go through a set of 12 steps I do a staking ceremony it's an old ceremony about commitment step 3 we take with the sacred pipe with that chenupa to smoke that pipe. Step five is in the sweat lodge. They taught us in step six and seven to make a tobacco tie with your character defect, the kinnikinnik, the tobacco, you put it in a tobacco die and then you tie it on there for each of the character defects. Then you go back into the sweat lodge and you have them come sing those songs, the old songs. And you sit in there and those hot rocks are going for those of you who know what that is. And when they start to pray, you take that first tobacco tie and you ask the Creator to take it and you put it on those hot rocks. And then they sing those songs and you wait. We call those hot rockies the grandfathers. And all of a sudden that tobacco tie will burst into flames when the Creator takes it. Then you put another one. You can't wait. And another. And another, and another, and another. and you just feel this relationship between you and the Creator when you come out of there because I think it's that simple. You just ask and He does it that way. And so it's been that kind of a journey for me. Today, so many things have happened. I was made the keeper of that sacred hoop. It was right after the white buffalo cap was born in Janesville, Wisconsin. and they called me up there after that ceremony was done and they asked me to keep this hoop of 100 eagle feathers and I stopped the ceremony I told them I can't do that I said, I don't feel, no I can do it I said I'm really just a drunk I'm just trying to keep my res car going I'm trying to build my family back up and then they told me they said no you're ready that you're already to do that and I was given that honor of the mending of a hoop was talked about 16 generations ago. An old drunk like me was asked, was given the accountability to carry that hoop. And then I took that hoop on four journeys and they said that wherever that hoop goes our native communities would start to go into healing and we'd start to heal from alcohol. So we made four journeys, one to all the tribal colleges So next year, the elders instructed us to take the hoop to Los Angeles. And we had to run from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. Twenty-five of us that was sober was the core group. And we ran for 4,294 miles in 109 days to make that journey. Stopping into communities. And we started to talk about, into our communities, about getting sober. It's something we call a wellbriety movement. Not sobriety, wellbriety. because see if you're sober is not everything if you are a jerk and you are drinking and you just quit drinking so there is a little bit more to it and we know that when we come in here it's about learning to live and to learn about life and learn to be respectful to women and how to get along and all of that and then we eventually were to take those steps in a circle we now call them the medicine wheel in 12 steps, and we have almost a little under 500 groups going on in the communities. AA is hit. We're getting sober, and we're seeing Indians are showing up here. Watch next year be three tables. Next year, four tables. Our communities are recovering. Fool's Crow said one time, the two greatest enemies we have is Native people. He said the number one enemy is alcohol. The number two enemy is jealousy. But on these group journeys, what we found is there's thousands of us are sober in our native communities. Not a dozen, not a couple. There's thousands who are sober. And thanks to those of you who took that time to carry that message to our communities. Thank you for going out there. Because sometimes it was hard. Maybe you wasn't accepted right away. Maybe they wasn't. I have attended, there's a Seven Clans AA group with the Senecas. It's 27 years old. The group in Oneida where we went, where we met up there, 50 years old that group is. And it's getting bigger. So sometimes you may not see your work just here because maybe we don't come here, but AA is alive and well in our Indian communities. They just had a national Indian AA convention in Minneapolis. You know, it's working, you know, in our country too. So I guess I'll just close with this. I look at these 12 steps as being sacred. That's why I look to them as being secretive. It would not disrupt meetings when they are read. I would stand up out of respect. But, you know, you can't do that because people think you're weird. But that's how I feel. My body wants to stand up because they're so powerful. They're so powerfully that you can take the things that we have done and there's something that exists if we do it in order with instructions and they're really clear that we can transform and return ourselves into things beyond you could ever imagine. You want to think, and it works. I watch it work all the time. I would say if I were to pick the worst thing in those drinking years, a lot of bad things, but if I had to pick the worst one the worst things for me would be the loneliness. that freaking loneliness and what you do it's like a hole that you have and you try to fill it and you can't you can sleep with anybody to fill the hole you can go somewhere to fill up it's just there then when I found out what that hole was I was missing my relationship with the creator and you are the ones that taught me that they said what you were looking for is what your grandpa was telling you all along this relationship with your creator if I were to pick the best thing that I have in this so far it would be the relationship that I have with the creator as I understand him I have no fear of the will of God I actually don't have much fear, I don't walk around and say I'm afraid, I'm worried, I won't do that I'll be thinking a little bit different flying on an airplane now if that thing gets a little bumpy maybe maybe it wasn't turbulence, maybe it was one of those darn pilots because sometimes you'll be flying and it just leans like that for no reason you ever notice that? then it comes back up But it is our relationship. It's very practical. I've learned that it's not separate from my culture. It's the same as my culture, not two programs. I can use ceremonies. I can smudge. I can do whatever I want. So I just say this. One time I went back to my reservation. I was drinking there and I was doing some awful stuff up there and I got a call from a friend and I said, I was taken to the border by some of my relatives and they said, you're no good. They said, you get out of here. Don't you ever come back. We don't want you here. You're embarrassing. and I left there and could you imagine it was sometime later but I came to you and what you told me was keep coming back wow see I think if I had to choose if the creator came down and said you either choose your tribe or AA I had to make that choice I would choose you you are my tribe because you said keep coming back it's here that I feel netashniha, that connectedness to all of you. Doesn't matter if you're red, yellow, black or white. I feel connected to you. So I'll close with this prayer. I learned that here too. It says God thank you for what you've given me. God thank You for what You've taken from me. And God thank You for why You left me. And You left Me with my true tribe. Thank You very much.