The One Hundred Billion Dollar Self-Help Industry Would Implode 😂 – Bob D.

Good morning. My name is Bob and I am alcoholic. Join me in a moment of silence. This morning we're going to start moving towards the power. obviously we need something we're a mess I am in a trap I can't spring I have this physiological allergy that there's no cure for that once I pick up a drink or anything that lights me up like alcohol if it does that magic if it ever did that magic thing for me it will do that thing to me which means i can't stop and that in and of itself wouldn't be really as deadly except that i have this thing that happens to me when i enter into abstinence where i become progressively more restless irritable and discontent page 52 is some very good a very good description of a guy like me when I get sober. These are symptoms of untreated alcoholism in a state of abstinence. Right square in the middle of the page, the third line in the little paragraph. Having trouble with personal relationships. I don't know about up in Utah, but that's big in Nevada. Couldn't control our emotional natures. were a prey to misery and depression, couldn't make a living, had a feeling of uselessness. You know, like what's the meaning of life? What am I going to be when I grow up? What am i supposed to do with myself? Full of fear and unhappy. so i get i'm not right when i'm sober until so i eventually it drives me crazy and i will imagine that uh i'll imagine something that's not true i will enter into a deluded thinking the deluded think is that i i think that i'm going to be able to get a high like i did years before when all the evidence is that that's been a dead horse for a couple years now and it's not that I can't see reality, I just don't like it and I so desperately want there to be a party where one doesn't exist that I will talk myself into believing that there could be even when there's not And I pick up the drink again. Page 25 is really, talks about coming to the process, coming to The Table with Alcoholics Anonymous. And the fourth line down in the first full paragraph talks about my first realization, My first awakening in Alcoholics Anonymous, it said we saw that it really worked in others. I think every one of us somewhere has to connect with someone who they believe is like them and realize that, my God, this guy's just like me, and something has happened for him as a result of AlcoholicsAnonymous. and then a little tiny, almost too hard to believe glimmer of hope. And the hope is maybe that could happen for me. And I had a run-in partner who we were on marijuana maintenance together in a halfway house. It's very cool to do that because you smoke pot, you sit in the back of the meeting, you've got your partner, You can really judge the speakers properly when you're stoned and laugh at all the inappropriate places and be serious when everybody else is laughing, and it's just a bad deal. But him and I ran together, and him and i were like this. He was cut from the same cloth that i was cut with. He had done all the same stuff i'd done. He'd been on the streets the same way i was on the street. He was everything i was. and he watched me relapse and it forced him to change his sobriety date and get a sponsor and get involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and start working the steps. Good part of a year later, I'm in another treatment center and he's one of the guys bringing the meetings in there and something was so strongly evidenced in him that something had happened to him, something that was undeniable he'd become something that was inconceivable to him and i both and that was to be happy and sober and free from everything he had he had found some sort of freedom in alcoholics anonymous that i didn't understand so i the first thing that happened to me is i saw that it really worked at others and I had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as I'd been living it you swear to yourself and mean it that you're not going to drink again and you drink again and then it's bad because it's not even fun anymore and you get sober again and you swear at yourself you're never going to touch that stuff and then you drink again andyou burn your life to the ground it'snot even fun it's pathetic there is a hope and you can't stop it like a moth to a flame you keep going back to it no matter how much you swear to yourself no matter what medications you take no matter what therapy you've been through no matter if you were saved or dunked or sprinkled you can't seem to escape this this seduction that occurs from the once had effect from five shots of tequila i came to believe in the hopelessness and futility of my life as i've been living it and i believed that before i ever believed in god or even an alcoholic synonymous you know i i couldn't really believe in you but i could believe that i was toast and i think all all the approach to the realm of the spirit the approach to all growth comes from being at a point where i'm hopeless the first book that bill wilson ever read in sobriety was given to him in town's hospital it was a book by a guy named william james called the varieties of religious experience and i've read that i have a copy of that at home and it's it's a very difficult book to read first time i read it i was like reading greek or something it was in a it's very hard to read and then i struggled through it a second time and i started to get some stuff out of it one of the things that james did is william james had made a study of alcoholics who had spiritual experiences and this has been going on throughout history carl young said to to roland hazard when he in switzerland when roland came back to him after a relapse he said is there no hope for me isn't there anything and and carl jung reported what he knew that occasionally, once in a while throughout history, a phenomenon has occurred where people have some sort of conversion experience and then they get sober. And that has been occurring for years. But the other thing, the two things about that that James realized when he studied it is that people that had those experiences never had them when they were on a roll you never just came back from vegas you hit the mega bucks and you got your boss loves you the kids are great and your wife thinks you're wonderful and you think i'm gonna seek god it's never like that it's always hopeless futile broken end of your rope nobody likes me i'm all alone and depressed that's when that's what god looks like maybe he's not a bad deal after all you know i mean it's kind of kind of we can kind of warm up to something when you're like that and then the the second thing that james noticed and i i think this i i suspect even though there's no evidence of it that this aspect is what affected bill wilson the most that the people who have these born again experiences invariably the shine of the experience wears off and often the old personality traits that had been pushed aside for the experience often return to re-dominate the person and they drink again many years ago I did a workshop on step two and I asked, it was about 80 some people in the room and I ask for just curious how many people in this room had ever had some sort of epiphany or born again experience or been saved and then drank after that experience and over a third of the room raised their hand i thought wow and you know what we get in alcoholic synonymous we're we're the the medical psychiatric and religious dropouts i mean we'rethe ones that tried all that we tried it all so here we are Alcoholics at Arms, the last house on the block The last house And so if you've come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life As you've been living it It says then When therefore we were approached by those In whom the problem had been solved There was nothing left For us But to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools Laid at our feet It's like there's nothing left What do you do? You know, when it says in the ABCs that no human power could relieve my alcoholism, I think most of us or at least a lot of us have to get to a point where we've tried a lot of human power. We've tried switching from alcohol to drugs, to legal medications, to marijuana because it's organic for God's sakes, to all kinds of things. We've been to churches, we've been To therapists, we're done Macrobiotics, we'd Done fasts, we gone to the gym We've read inspirational books We've chanted Nam-ne-yo-ho-renge-kyo with the Buddhists We've had mantras from TM I mean let's face it We are the people who buy the self help Books We're it Matter of fact if alcoholics If all the alcoholics on the planet and all the family members that have been affected by alcoholism on the plant were to join a 12-step program and work the steps, the $100 billion self-help industry would implode because we're it in this desperate, futile attempt to fix ourselves. But then you get to a point where you've tried everything and there's not everything and there is nothing left. I don't think, I wasn't really an alcoholic of the hopeless variety as long as I had options. As long as i believed first of all that there was a chance somehow someday to control and enjoy my drinking, jump start the party. See I still had an option so I wasn�t really ready for you. As Long as I thought that this job, man. This job is going to make the difference and I'll be okay. I wasn't ready for you. As long as I thought that relationship Man, I know if I get with her, pigeons are going to fly out my ears. As Long As I Thought I Wasn't Ready For You. That medication, did you read about that medication? It says it makes guys like me comfortable enough I don't have to drink. I Wasn'T Ready For you and then you get to a point where there's nothing left but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet and that's how a lot of us get here get to a point where there's nothing left. It takes us up to page 44. I'm not by nature an action oriented guy, I'm a thinker. I think there's a lot of thinkers, there's There's a lot of deep thinkers and alcoholics synonymous. What do I do when I'm in trouble? What's the first thing you want to do when you have a problem? I want to go think. I want To go think, which if you had any objective perspective of your life, you would realize that I am retreating to my enemy. einstein one time said that you uh you can't solve a problem with the mind that created it right but what do i want to do i wanna think and on the bottom of page 44 it says if a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism many of us would have recovered long ago but we found that such codes and philosophies such thoughts, such beliefs such convictions, such faith did not save us no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral we could wish TO be philosophically comforted in fact we could will these things with all our might but the needed power wasn't there our human resources is marshaled by the will were not sufficient, they failed utterly. Lack of power. That was our dilemma. This is a point where we lose a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous because they misinterpret what it's saying in the chapter way agnostics. They get to this point and they think it's lack of religion. And a lot if people just at the point where they're about to start moving through the steps because now they finally got through the God barrier and they're willing to believe in God and okay, now that they think they've arrived and they never worked the rest of the program then they relapse. But it doesn't say lack of faith or lack of religion. It says lack of power. I had the, over the years I've attempted to sponsor four men of the cloth. I've got to tell you, I love these guys, but they're a pain in the butt to sponsor. It's like sponsoring an alcoholism counselor. They know everything. And one of them, one of the first guys I ever tried to work with was a guy named Frank, and Frank was a good priest. He was not a deviant priest. He was a great priest. He was just a good guy. His whole life was about serving God. That's all he wanted. He just wanted to get closer to God and serve God. And he went back to drinking. He couldn't believe it. He called me up a week before they found him dead. He literally drank himself to death, and he was weeping. He's sobbing into the phone because he drank again. Consumed in self-pity. Consumed. in it. And he couldn't understand and he was angry because it was unfair to him. Why a guy who devoted his whole life to serving God, why a man who prayed more in one day than most of us pray in a week read more spiritual literature in one days than most of us read in a weak, why he would beg God to keep him sober and he drank again. And there's prostitutes and bums and bushwhackers and drug dealers and they stay in sober. He said it's not fair. And I thought, yeah, it's not, is it? I mean, I was as baffled as he was because by this time I was sober a couple of few years and I knew a truth for me. The truth was I'm sober only through the grace of God. Well, if that's true, you'd think a man of the cloth would have the leg up on the rest of us. I mean I think that way made perfect sense to me, you think, wouldn't he? I mean, for God's sakes. If God won't help one of his people, why is he going to help a bum like me? But Frank had tremendous faith. Frank died of alcoholism weeping because he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was there. Probably more than I did. But lack of faith was not Frank's dilemma. It was lack of power. it's not enough to believe in god men and women like me die of alcoholism every day with tremendous faith in god the problem is i have to access his grace and that's that's the dilemma i live in a city las vegas where in the summertime, on occasion it'll get up to, it can get up to 120 degrees. Now the Chamber of Commerce will tell you it's a dry heat, so is hell I mean it's hot and if I were to take you in my car when it's 120 degrees and I drive you outside of town, about a half hour, 40 minute drive, I'd take you to this lake, Lake Mead huge, huge lake, one of the largest bodies of fresh water in the western United States. Let you get out of the car. Let you jump in the water. Let you take a drink out of the lake. Let you hang out in the water until you have absolute faith that that water's there, it exists, it's your reality. You know it's there. No doubt. No doubt, no doubt. Now I'll stick you back in my car, drive you about 15 minutes away, drop you off in the middle of the desert with a map with step-by-step directions on how to get to that lake and showing you on the map where I'm dropping you off. Do you know that you can wander around that desert and if you don't follow the directions on that map, you could die of thirst with absolute faith that that water's there? And you'll die knowing it's there. But if you can't find a way to get to the water, you'll Die of Thirst just as much as the guy wandering around the desert who doesn't even believe or know that the lake is there. Lack of power really is my dilemma. It's not enough to know God's there. I have to actualize and access his grace. In Alcoholics Anonymous, we talk about something that you don't hear talked about in churches as much as you do in AA. Conscious contact. There is a world of difference between a conscious contact and faith. Sunday afternoon, all of you are going to get in your cars. You're going to drive home. You're going to drive home with absolute faith that there are police on the roads. And you better drive cool or they're going to stop you. You have absolute faith in that. When you get one in your rear view mirror with these lights on, you've got conscious contact. Right? There's a big difference. And it's not enough to know. I have to make conscious. We talk about conscious contact with God. lack of power is my dilemma we had to find a power which we could live and had to be a power greater than myself obviously well where and how redefine that power well that's exactly what this book is about its main object is to enable you to find the power greater than yourself which will solve your problem it's about finding the juice some people call it grace some people call it power but there is a force in the universe that if I can access it that will recreate my life it is evidenced in Alcoholics Anonymous every day we are hopeless alcoholics who have found a way out of the trap and it's not through our power every alcoholic that's humble enough to face his the reality of his life will all tell you the same thing i am sober today not through my own will but through the grace of god the grace of a power greater than myself of myself i am nothing it is the father that do the work and that is really the deal and the I remember when when Frank died I got I got scared and I got feared now I'm entrenched in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous I'm working the steps I'm trying to work the steps I'm helping people I'm doing 12-step work I have commitments in the fellowship I'm going to a lot of AA meetings I'm praying every morning and every night I have a faith in God, and I'm scared because here's a guy that I can't believe drank again. And what it touched is it touched in me an old prejudice that was right below the surface that I didn't even know existed, and it scared me. And on page 46, right in the middle of the page, the second line in the little paragraph, it talks about two things that are necessary to start accessing the power. Two simple things, and believe it or not, one of them is you don't even have to believe in God to access the power, you don'T even have TO believe in GOD. The power is there for anyone who takes the action, whether you believe in it or NOT. It says, let us make case to reassure you, we found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice, That's the first thing. The problem that guys like me have with prejudices is that often they're unconscious. And even when they're brought to my attention, I don't realize they're prejudices. I don' t think it's a prejudice. I just think that's the way it is. My ego always exists to validate itself and justify itself. I have never had an opinion or a judgment in my life that in the middle of the judgment said to myself well that could be wrong no, I thought it, it must be right and that's the nature of the ego the ego just wants to be right it doesn't even care if it kills me as long as after I'm dead everybody realizes how right I was and I had this prejudice that that I think a lot of us have it's a sense it's fear actually in a sense that I'm not good enough for God to help a feeling that at least even now that I am sober on a really bad day when I've just done something I'm ashamed of. Like when I stormed out of a restaurant after I cussed the waitress out because she didn't wait on me quick enough because I was too hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. And I go sit in my car and I feel like I want to go out in the garden and eat worms. Or after I chase somebody down the freeway that cut me off and I'm giving them the finger and threatening them. And then when all the smoke clears I feel an idiot. I hate myself. or maybe you've done something within the area of sex that you just are ashamed of at those moments my prejudice tells me that God won't help me in those moments when I've done something that's despicable or I can't stand myself for it and I'll tell you why that is a deadly deadly prejudice because there's no time in my life I need God's grace more than when I've just screwed my life up. There's no time in my life when I need God's forgiveness and grace more than when i've just done something that I hate Bob for and that's a deadly prejudice and the prejudice in and of itself does not it doesn't make God turn away from me what happens is it makes me turn away from God. The light has always been on for me. The problem is that my prejudices and my judgments will push me to cower away from the light and seek the dark. God never turned his light off for me, I move away from it. I was over in Florence, actually I've been there twice but the first time I was I was over there and I was looking for a statue in a museum that a friend of mine had seen and told me about. And I really wanted to see it. I wanted to See what my experience with it would be. And I didn't see it the first trip because I had wrong information about the museum. I did a little more homework than the second time. I went back to Florence, and I knew exactly where it was. And I got to this museum. And I'm with a whole crowd of people in AA in Illinois. We were over there for a little AA deal. and I'm leading this group and they're just kind of going along being tourists. I'm kind of on a mission to see this statue, right? And we get into this museum called the Opry. It's behind the Domo in the center of Florence and get inside the door and I've left them all standing in the door and I am shooting through the museum like an ADD kid. Where is this statue? It's crazy. And I'm going up these stairs and through these rooms and all of a sudden I come in this room and there's a life-size statue of the crucifix on the one wall Christ on the cross and then across from it is the Magdalena it's a statue of Mary Magdalene and it stopped me took my breath away and it was unlike any depiction of Mary magdalene I'd ever seen I'd only ever seen pictures of her with the long robes and the flowing hair where she's very pretty this is not like that this is a statue of a woman who has been beaten repeatedly and severely someone had kicked her teeth out she was scarred she had evidence of severe malnutrition she was dressed in rags she had a look of hopeless self-loathing on her face as if she'd been turning nickel and dime tricks on the back alleys of jerusalem for years an angel got its wings she was standing there with this hopeless, hopeless demeanor and she had her hands in front of her not in prayer there was a hesitancy about them like she wanted to pray but she didn't feel worthy to pray and she's looking up at something And at first, I don't know what she's looking at. And she's looking at something as if she's in the middle of this decrepit body who has been beaten and shamed and loathed by herself and others as if She's looking at something and saying this could be for me? And She's looking up at the crucifix. And I started to weep. And I started to cry because I saw myself i saw my very soul in her i saw the guy who came to alcoholics anonymous and first came to praying and approach god with a tremendous tremendous sense of unworthiness and with that feeling like this could be for me not me you don't know what i've done you don'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO MY mother and father. You don't know what I did to the people who tried to care about me. You Don't Know About The Guys That Went To Prison As A Result Of Me. You Dont Know About the Guy I Stabbed. My Dog Loved Me And Came To Lick My Face One Night When I Hated Myself And I Beat The Crap Out Of The Dog And From That Moment On It Coward When I Was Around. You dont know what i did. I Couldn't Believe It Was For Me. and i almost died of alcoholism because i was so entrenched in these judgments that it was hard for me to approach god but in our book it says that god does not make hard terms with those who seek him the great thing about alcoholics anonymous is that we don't ask you to believe because we we know that a lot of us can't. We're not wired that way. We just can't, we're not the kind of people that somebody says oh believe and we go okay. We might say that because we want your approval but not been in here nah. We'RE skeptical analytical thinkers. We'Re sarcastic, we'Re judgmental, we'RE not easily convinced of anything. So the book doesn't even ask us to believe. The next thing it says after if we can lay aside our prejudice if we could get childlike if I can get simple enough and humble enough to know that I don't know if I can just know that i don't then it says an express even a willingness to believe and if I can do those two things the book promises me I'll commence to get results so what's it asking me to do it's asking me to position myself towards this power that i don't even believe in as if it exists scientists call that a working hypothesis and the working hypothesis is someone will present you with an idea that you don't believe but you act as if its true and then the results of the interaction between you and the idea will either prove or disprove it's true if if uh there's a gal here from new zealand there's tribes what what are they called the yeah they're in australia right oh in new zeeland in these these tribes that for years didn't even understand or know that electricity existed and if you back in those days if you would have brought one into this room when all the lights her off and you were to tell him there's power in these walls that will then you showed him a lamp that will make this lamp light up like a little miniature sun he's not going to believe you but if he takes the plug and starts inserting it into openings in the wall eventually he hits one and the power comes on and the light comes on and he proved to himself that what you told him was true even though he didn't believe it and that's what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous we come here skeptics we come here even if even those of us like that like my friend who was a priest who believe God's exists feel so prejudiced and flawed that they don't think God will his power will work for them and you don't have to believe it. If you're just willing to believe, if you can just express a willingness, if you an act as if, what happens is you start to plug into something. One of the great things about Alcoholics Anonymous, it doesn't matter, I've been in meetings in countries all over the world, I've be in meetings where very few people in the room are Christian. They're Buddhists or Shinto's, I've had been in meeting with Muslims, with all kinds of religions with agnostics, with atheists and yet there's a common experience for those of us that work the steps we all end up coming out the back side connected to something something something happens to us that is unbelievable we become the person we never imagined we can be, the person that can stay comfortably sober. The person that's free sober. We no longer feel like we're doing time. If I can just express the willingness and lay aside my prejudice. Ralph? When therefore we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. Top of page 47. And that's interesting. Why do I need a conception of god? Why do I need a conception of God? I don't need a conception of Bob, do I? You ought to. I don' t need a conception of Bob. We can all look at Bob, every single one of us in here. Now we might have some subjective ideas and opinions about what it is that we see, but we all see pretty much the same thing. He's an older, distinguished, white-haired gentleman looks pretty wise in his demeanor and we can describe his physical attributes, we look at him. We can see him if you get close enough you can touch him, you can smell him you can feel him. There are attributes and there are characteristics and qualities we can all see and agree on. Most people don't come into the world with a conception of a God that's their own I don't know anybody in here who had something from their own experience If I think I have a conception, it's because of something I was raised with, the church I was raising in, some conception or some idea that my parents placed on me. Some things I read in books or publications. I might have done some studying in various places. And if I studied, I studied under somebody. So I've had a conception that's been put on me, and I might've rejected that conception, and in rejecting the conception, I thought I rejected the idea of God. I might have embraced the conception. In this chapter that we're reading, the chapter We Agnostics is entirely devoted to that second step. And some people, you know, there are classes of people, you know atheists, you believe you can prove the non-existence of God. There are people who can sit up and argue the non existence of God, give you good reasons why they can show that there is no God. The other extreme, Bob talked about the priest, the true believer. Somebody who knows like they know like they know. And somebody in here, many people come to Alcoholics Anonymous already convinced, I know there's a God. I'm a true believer. And then somewhere between the two extremes is agnostic. Agnostic and this chapter says we agnostics you know. Uh and it's something in here for everybody even if it's a true believer, somebody help me. What is an agnóstic? Fence sitter. Very vague. Agnostic. Believes but acts on their own will. Someone who's just not sure of what? Of a higher power. Someone without knowledge of a higher power. You know, some dictionaries saying agnostic is a person who doesn't believe you can prove either the existence or the non-existence of God. There are some working definitions that people in Alcoholics Anonymous use. A person who believes in God but thinks he doesn't work for me. Aperson who believes in god and thinks he works for you but not for me, a person, who believes ain't God but if you put me side by side with a person ,who doesn't, believe in God our actions are exactly the same. Believes in God acts like and lives like there is no God. You know, some working definitions. So somewhere I might probably fit in there. And so when we talk about this second step experience, the need for one, we went through painstakingly that first step. You know? Me, in and of myself, I can recover from this hopeless state of mind and body. You know. And we read, Bob, you know, to be doomed to die in a. . . First page. on uh we agnostics in the second paragraph to be doomed to an alcoholic death alcoholic death that's not like taking a bullet right now that's a slow lingering walk the streets at three or four o'clock in the morning with no walk the aimless walk endlessly year after year that's that beat yourself up for the things you've done not be able to sleep that's convict yourself, that's maybe some beatings in and out. That's alcoholic death. To be doomed to die an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. That is a crazy sentence. To be doom to die in alcoholic death or live life in a spiritual basis. Ralph, which one are you choosing? You got life or death? Can you describe that alcoholic death again a little bit fully for me are not easy alternatives to face. For who? For somebody like me. For somebody like me That's incredible, that sentence right there So I get to this point now and it talks about what's my real problem Ralph I need power and that's the journey we talk about in the second step I came in here and this is the step you know it's my favorite step in Alcoholics Anonymous and I like to talk about that journey and that transition. I was raised in the church, and when I was 16 years old, because I was raising by an old Southern Baptist mom, even though my dad was alcoholic, I didn't see drinking in my house. He drank away from home. He got put out pretty early, and my mom raised us, and I didn't alcohol in my home. She was a very religious lady, and she was a spiritual lady at the same time, very strong, had ideas and principles and values for her boys, had six brothers, Marched us up the street, walked to church every Sunday morning. I'd walk by guys playing football and throwing balls in the street and I'd be so envious of them. I'd go to Sunday school. I'd stay after Sunday school and we'd go to church. We would eat dinner at church. We would go to evening service. And I remember saying to myself when I turned 16 years old you never have to worry about Ralph White darkening the doors of anybody's church again. Having knowledge and having a belief was nowhere near the same theme as access and power. You know, I looked at church, and I looked to church people. Later on in this chapter, it talks about it. I looked out of them as being weak. I looked into stories. I'm a good memorizer, and I really like people to like me so I could memorize verses and I could recite them after Sunday school. On Easter Sunday, I was the little kid that would be in the suit, and they trot out a number of little kids who could all recite, you know, various chapters and verses and I'd get pats on the head and I would never believe any of what it was that I heard. Biblical stories seemed like myths to me. I like Greek mythology. I like mythical stories and they seem like it. You know, I never found myself close to it and I never even wanted to. You know? I'm too slick for this. I'm a modern day guy. Like, yeah, you people in this church, you owe. Your lives are over, and you need to depend on something else, you know. I'm a sharp young guy. I'm the first person from my family to go off to college. You know, my grandparents and my mother and they're like, okay, that's cool for you guys. I'm The New Generation, and I'm cool. And so when I got here, and your guys tried to slip the G word on me, talking about this lack of power idea, you knew it was going to happen. You know it took a lot, and what it finally took was alcohol beat me into a state of reasonableness, to be doomed to die an alcoholic death or to live life on a spiritual basis. Bob talked about there was nothing left for me but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools, and that was still a hard struggle for me. So this chapter to the agnostics is written for a guy like me. Call it the spiritual kindergarten, and there are building blocks in this chapter that get me to form in this relationship. I can sit in here, and I can listen to people, and I could listen to them and listen to him and listen to him, and I can feel like an outsider inside the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because as much as I want to feel it and as much as I won't do, I can make myself believe in something I don't believe. They could sit in church and talk about Daniel walking out the lion's den and I'd hear them and they'd be feeling it, and I'm like, you're right. You're right. Let me see somebody go up in a lion's cage right now and let me see. I couldn't make myself believe it. I couldn't make myself believe that this cat was standing there with a big staff and saying, okay, Red Sea Park. It's a good biblical story but I can't wrap my head around that. And it's the same thing coming into these rooms. People, I could want to. I'm a good fitter in her but deep down in my heart of hearts that's a big leap for a guy like me. Spiritual people are building blocks. I like a proposition that lends itself to reasonable interpretation and so in this chapter and go to great pains to show why it makes more sense to believe than not to believe. And how to start? First place, it talks about is, you know, ask myself, am I willing to believe in the possible existence of a power greater than myself? And I look back at my experience, and I had already come to believe in a couple of things. One, I did the negative part or the second step. I had come to belief in the hopelessness and futility of life as I had been living it. I had comes to belief that every day would be like yesterday. I had come to believe that every day would be a gray day. I had came to believe that there was no more color in my life. I had coming to believe that they don't celebrate Christmas anymore. I had to come to belief that there are no more birthday parties. I had the belief that I am no more, I'm not worth anything anymore. I had become to believe that my life was my life, was my light. I don't know if you went to the gray zone. I don' t know if went to dead zone. I don''t know if want to that dark place. I went there, where every day was the same. And I had come to believe that tomorrow was going to look just like the hopelessness. And I can't do anything about it. And the futility. And the nothingness of it. What? What? I was in that dark place. I had comes to believe in that. And I came to believe something else. talking about not having the capacity to believe in a power greater than myself I knew there was a power greater than me we call it king alcohol I knew it was bigger than me remember when we read Bill's story and he talked about quicksand I had met my match alcohol was my match I knew what drugs and alcohol you know on a daily I'm getting loaded every day and now I'm getting loaded to stop from thinking about where getting loaded had taken me. That's all it was doing. So I had come to believe. I knew I had a power greater than me. I needed a power greater than it. I new I had the power greater than me, I needed the power greater than it. And if I found a power greater than it, I knew that I would be finding a power greater than me. So, I expressed that willingness. I love when it talks about don't let any, you know, the first place. So I'm trying to get this conception for myself because I don't have one. Mamas didn't work for me. Pops didn't worked for me, so it says in here, ask yourself, Ralph, what's the first step for forming, framing, getting a picture of your own or this power? What's the 1st step you do? Ask yourself what the spiritual terms mean to you. First thing God talked about, I mean, Bob talked about he talked about God's grace, spiritual expression. Tell us that means for me? I asked myself, what does it mean for me grace? I like the sound of that. You know, God's grace is sufficient to meet the need. So I'm in this deal. I ask myself, what does that mean to me? Well, I don't know. It means something that other people get but I don' t. I'm sober today. I ask myself, what is it mean? You know. Spiritual expressions. Later on in this book it says, you ask yourself, humility. Weak. That's what it means to me. Weak Okay, so you're thinking this God idea must be the way of weakness. Forgiveness, vulnerable. That's a spiritual expression, vulnerable? Where's that coming from, Ralph? And I start thinking. And then I start thinkin', you know, when you raised up, God is what? God is, when I was raised, fear God. Do I believe that that's an attribute in a person that I respect? No. I'm a parent. Do I want my kids to fear me? No. So then I started thinking to myself what God wasn't for me. God is punishing. That's what I was raised with. You know, I'm a parent. Is that an attribute? Is that a characteristic? Do I want my kids? Do I wanna unnecessarily punish, but I wanna love my kids. Where's that coming from, that idea? So then i started forming this conception based on what God was. Didn't know about God yet, but this power, if I'm gonna approach it, if I, you know, if i see a, if i want a relationship with somebody, i see girl she looks good to me. I'm not approaching her if she looks punishing. I'm not approaching her if she looks forbidding. I'm not approaching her if she looks too judgmental because I already know I got too many flaws anyway. I'm coming up short. So what are the qualities and attributes that make it attractive to me? And so I don't get the front but I start thinking to myself these are old ideas okay so I started from that standpoint asking asking myself, what do they mean to me? At the start, this was all I needed to commence spiritual growth to affect my first conscious relation with God as I understand. Trying to get it now. I asked myself one short question. Do I not believe or am I even willing to believe that there is a power greater than myself? Yes, I already believe that. I believe drugs and alcohol are greater than me. I need to believe there's a power bigger than it. So yeah, as soon as I can say I believe or I'm willing, I'm willingly because I need it to get off me. If I step outside that door every time i step outside big steve is standing outside and he knocked me down damn man but i gotta go out the door steve and then bob tells me check this out rel steve used to do that to me but i found somebody that got steve off me i want to know who it is introduce me to the same power that did it for you you know so i believe i'm willing to believe because i'm tired of steve not i'm unwilling to believe Because I'm Tired Of Alcohol Having Its Way With Me You Know So Now I'm sitting up here, and I'm thinking, yeah, that works for you, and that works for Bob, and it works for some of you other guys, but it can't work for me. You've been doing this a long time. And he said, that's great news. I assumed I could not make use of spiritual principles unless I accepted many things on faith would seem difficult to believe. When people presented us with spiritual approaches, how frequently did I say, I wish I had what he had? I'm sure it would work if i could believe like he does but i cannot accept that surely true the many articles of faith which are so plain to him it was comforting to learn i could commence it at a much simpler level so when bob is sitting up here and bob is waxing the way he's waxing and it seemed like but yeah look how wise he looks look he's been doing this alone don't trip how many new people we got in here i know you knew karen i talked to you last night you knew how many knew people we got up in here. First time approaching it. Don't get intimidated, Ralph and Bob said. Man, they sitting up there, it sounds good. It sounds good, but this guy, he been overseas, he's been looking at statues and you know, yeah, you know. I know he feeling it, you knowing. And I'm feeling less than in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Anybody feel me like that? I feel less than because you guys got this deal. You got it. You make this God thing seem like it's riding a bite, you know. And I'm like, man, and when you're talking, I'm feeling it, right? But when I'm leaving them on my own, I feel like a frog because I'm not checking that's all right. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I can get this at a much simpler level. I don't have faith. I can't, you Know, I am handicapped by obstinacy, hard-headedness, stubbornness, and unreasoning prejudice, you know. And that's how I am. Well, what gets rid of that, Ralph? Faced with alcoholic destruction, I became as open-minded on spiritual matters as I tried to be on other questions. In this respect, alcohol is a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reason. How many people we got in here that's one of the ones? Anybody in here ever find themselves saying, I'm willing to try anything once? You know, when I was in the life, man, I'm going to try it. Yeah, you know, and you know it could be drugs. It could be alcohol. It Could Be Threesomes. It could be some new stuff that I ain't never done before. I'm from the new age, I'm from the 60s and 70s, we were open to trying anything but how come on this spiritual deal I'm so closed minded? And I had to look at that. Well you call yourself a new age guy. You call yourself a guy who makes use of everything that's new. So why are you so faced with alcoholic destruction? I became as open minded on spiritual matters because my life is on the line. I don't get open-minded because it's virtuous. I don't give rid of prejudice because I'm a good guy. I won't get rid of my prejudice because it is the right thing to do. I get rid off it because I am desperate and life is in the line, and that's my starting point. And if your life is online and if you are desperate, you might be saying, okay, I'm willing to try something new. Forget the virtue. My life is online and I'm willing to try something new. Still, why should I believe in a power greater than myself? The practical individual today is a stickler for facts and results. I can't see God. How am I going to believe in something that I can see, feel, touch, or understand? What? You know, everybody believes in scores of assumptions for which there's no good evidence. Bob already pointed it out. How many people in here believe that the electricity is on in this building right now? How many people believe we got electricity right now? How many people can see the electricity right now? How many people can see the electricity? Somebody raise their hand. You can see the electricity? You can see the electricity? Can you? Who else can see the electricity? Can anybody in here see the electricity? But everybody in here believes the electricity is on in here why what can you see the results I see the lights I see the result I see two results I can't tell you I know they have cell towers I can tell you about the vibrations and the bouncing and the rest of this but I will cut this thing on as we had somebody so cleverly he knew we were gonna get to this point said That was just a demonstration. I can cut this thing on. I can start talking on it. I don't know how it works. How many people? It might be some of you guys in here that do know. I don'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS AND DON'T NEED TO. I KNOW THAT YOU CUT IT ON, YOU HIT TALK, AND YOU START TALKING. YOU DIAL SOME NUMBERS, AND YOU STARTS TALKIN'. BUT I BELIEVE IN CELL TECHNOLOGY. CAN'T SEE IT. CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. I BELIVE INCELL TEXNOLOGY. WHY? BECAUSE I CAN MAKE USE OF IT AND I GET THE RESULTS. Stickler for facts and information. You know why? Because I can make use of it, and I can see the results. So when I come in here on this spiritual deal, I see the result. A lot of other people just like me that say we were in the same position you were, I see The Results of believing in this power, and definitely I can take advantage and make use out of it. I can definitely make use up of it you know. On page 49, I love this one. We who have traveled this dubious path, and this is the path of prejudice, unreasoning prejudice. This is the path for a lot of us that I stay stuck in, you know, beg you to lay aside prejudice even against organized religion. We learn some stuff about religions, whatever the human frailties are. Ralph, stay out of whether or not the preacher is sleeping with the lady in the front pew. You need to stay out of that. Stay out of what kind of car the preacher is driving. Stay out of these televangelists and what you think they're doing with the money. Stay out who's doing what with who, because I can see all the hypocritical stuff, but here's the deal. Whatever the frailties are, the faith has given purpose and direction to millions. People of faith have a logical idea of what life is about. We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices when I might have observed that spiritually minded persons were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness, and usefulness which I should have sought for myself. Spiritually minded persons were exhibiting a degree of stability happiness and useful. I used to look at my grandparents they came from the south they did not have a high school education. My grandfather was an old working guy and I used think man by the time I finished high school I was more educated than him. By the time I came out of college, I was thinking to myself, I'll be able to buy and sell my grandparents and my parents two or three times. And it dawned on me after being here for a minute, all the prejudice I had against religion. My grandfather was a deacon in the church. My grandfather was a deacon and he always said, you know, God will make a way. And I was slick and I was cool and I Was a Hustler. And It dawned On Me. My grandfather never asked me for bail money out of jail. My grandfather never asked me for money to help with the rent. Never. A degree of stability. Some of you young people won't understand this, but some people in here. My grandparents, I was born in 1953. They lived in the same house until they both died. My grandmother died in the late 90s. My grandfather died in the late 80s. And from the time I was born till the time my grandmother died in 1998, their phone number was LU63992. I'm 56 years old. I still remember that phone number. LU, that's when they had prefixes. Remember those? The number prefix. 63992, I can't tell you all my phone numbers. I can barely tell you the numbers I had left. My grandparents had one phone, a degree of stability. One address, one phone number. And I used to cynically dissent what religious people were doing. And I use to look down my nose at them. And my mother sent four guys off to college and these four guys all ended up back living at her house. She's never come to live with one of us. But I'm looking at religious people and I'm the one looking down on them. Never dawned on me that she didn't die and go crazy. We damn near gave her a nervous breakdown in that period as a result of these religious beliefs that God could and would always have that belief. Here are thousands of men and women So, you know, on one proposition, men and women in these rooms are strikingly agreed. So, again, this chapter gives just tons of, tons of evidence why it makes more sense to believe than not to believe. More sense to Believe Than Not To Believe. And I start building this relation with this power because that's what I'm interested in, a relationship. And the way I did it, you know, I had to look at it. I put it in human terms, even though I can't always do it. You know, I put It in human Terms because I need to wrap my head around it. And I think about how many parents we have in here, you Know, and so I think to myself, I was raised when they would say stuff like God is a jealous God. Is jealousy an admirable quality in a person? Why would I think it's admirable in God? A punishing God. I'm a father. Do I want to hold anything against my kids? I got a son right now that's standing at a gas station on a corner in Los Angeles. He's standing on the corner of El Segundo and Central, and he's got a jack-in-all that's got holes in it. And I drove there last week. I said are you tired and he's out there because he's doing what I did doing what I did and I'm doing what was done for me can't stay here doing that and I saw him at that gas station I said they got a bed for you It was about 5 in the evening. Are you ready? I said, I'll pick you up in the morning. He said, I'll be here, pops. And I showed up the next morning. You ready to go? I still really want to go, man, but when you hear the but, you already know, right? And when I left that gas station, because when he was coming in the house steadily, I'd be angry and I'd resentful and I would be lecturing and I mean, man, what are you doing to yourself? You can't stay in here like that, and you're not going to put, you know, I'm all over the map. But when I left that gas station, I had to think about how God looks at me because I cried for my boy. I didn't love him less. I loved him more. So what makes me think God didn't cry for Ralph White? You know, so I've been thinking this punishing, he's taking notes, And as a father, he got way more tolerance and patience than I do. And I thought about it, thought about that, my ideas about this concept of a power. I look at it like for me. And if you have more than one kid, if I treat them differently because treating your kids right means treating them differently. It don't mean treating them the same because you treat them according to what they need, right? You give them what they needs. I got a daughter that's in law school, and she's five years younger than my son. And I give my daughter a lot of independence, give her a lot of love, give to her a support. Give him support that looks different than the support I give her. And give her monetary support. She's in college. Do not give him a dime. Because it's enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. So when I think about this power, looking at his kids, you know, and treating each one of them the way they need to be treated. And so I started forming this idea and this concept for myself, for myself because I need something that's going to hold me. So I started on that. Another part in the book it talks about, I claim I don't have the capacity for faith, you know. And in the books it says, imagine life without faith. Page 54 toward the bottom. With nothing left but pure reason, it wouldn't be life. Imagine life without fate. imagine it for a minute just imagine life without faith because i claim i don't have a capacity for faith that's what the book is talking about imagine life without it try imagining life without we couldn't go on the breakfast this morning could we i wouldn't drive up the street you know when you're driving everybody in here drives right and if you're driving up the streets what makes you go through that your green light what makes you just go through the green light not even thinking twice about you got faith that those people are going to respect their red light right you have faith that the people with the red light are not going to just today say oh man forget that red light because you wouldn't move how many people in here have jobs outside of lawyers very few of you get paid before you do your work right so I go to work for two weeks I go to work for two weeks nothing in return and I work on faith that at the end of those two weeks this example used to be truer than it is now but pretend it's still true I would get a piece of paper right? and that piece of I would be rewarded at the other end of my life at the beginning of those two weeks with a piece of paper and then I have the faith that when I take that piece of paper to the bank that piece of paper is going to turn into money and then I have the faith that when I take this money to the store and I buy some Cheerios or some Trix because that's what's on the box, on the cover, that when I open the box when I get home, it's really got Cheerios and Trix in it, right? And then I have the faith that the people that did that didn't put something in the Cheerios. The Cheerios are Trix. Sometimes that doesn't work out. And so what is life without faith? What is it? Everybody showed up here this morning because you have faith that two guys would show up themselves. You guys showing a lot of faith and too drunk, you know. what is life without faith? So I found that I could, you know, man. You know, this chapter right here, building blocks. Why it makes more sense to believe than not to believe. And I find out that some of the things I thought that were handicapping me from believing were not really obstacles anyway. People are moving, people are changing. I think it's time for us to take a break right now. Yeah. Okay. 9 minutes, 28 seconds.