The Old Ideas That Kept Her in a Prison of Blame – Mildred F.

About This Speaker Tape

A former nun and raging alcoholic Mildred F. describes her life as a 'lonely center foraging for warmth.' She spent decades building walls to avoid pain only to find herself trapped in a prison of isolation even while appearing as a 'good member' of AA for 21 years. She recounts a series of disastrous relationships—a psychiatrist who beat her a sophisticated bully and a wealthy man whose silence was deafening—all drawn by her own victim consciousness.

The turning point came at age 61 when a spiritual experience and a breakdown in front of 70 women forced her to admit she had no friends in the world. Now she views relationship as a spiritual practice using the metaphor of the 'Klippa' (the hard shell of the ego) that must be broken through the 'dance' of human interaction to let the Higher Power through.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction and opening jokes about her love affair with Keith.
• 5:12 Story about a trip to Rome and the 'voices' that trigger a shutdown.
• 10:45 Discussion of Step 8 and the 'discolored' personalities caused by forgotten experiences.
• 16:20 The 'Higher Power solution' and the belief that Higher Power is everything or nothing.
• 23:15 Laughter: Discussion of 'computer sex' and the loneliness of modern technology.
• 31:40 The 'elbow in the mouth' metaphor for the pain of human relationship.
• 38:10 Recounting her childhood wounds and the desire to 'fix' her sister.
• 44:50 Detailed account of abusive relationships with a psychiatrist and a corporate executive.
• 52:10 The crisis at 21 years sober and her subsequent spiritual awakening.
• 58:30 Emotional breakdown at a retreat: 'I don't have a friend in the world.'
• 1:05:15 Mention of Chuck C. and the lesson of non-separateness.
• 1:14:20 The projector metaphor: understanding how the system of the unconscious works.