The Old Ideas That Kept Her in a Prison of Blame – Mildred F.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Mildred Frank, and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. Hi. I come from Toronto, and lest I forget to say this at another time, we are preparing a celebration for one year from this time, And we invite you all to come. You all planning to come? Fabulous. We'll see you there. Can we stay at your house? Yes, of course. I have the bed ready for you, Keith. I'd like to tell you. Oh, yeah. Okay. Keith and I have a love affair of long standing. And Sally knows it, and it's okay. The title of my workshop today is Relationship as Spiritual Practice. I'm saying to myself, as I stand here, what in the world have I got to say to you about relationship? I have lots to say, actually, because I've had lots of experiences, just like you have. How many of you out there feel that your relationships could be improved? Okay. How many out there feels that there's one particular area that is really stumping you, that you don't know what to do with? Anybody? Anybody? One, two, three, four, five, six. I see some tentative hands going up. If your relationships are perfect, I have nothing to say to you. Because what I'm going to say is about what I have learned about a different quality of life. And the only way that I have learnt to deal with relationship is through relationship as spiritual practice. And you'll notice I didn't say as a spiritual practice because I think that's really what spiritual practice is really all about. I'll tell you a little story. I'll begin with that. A couple of years ago, maybe ten, I was in Rome with a boyfriend. And the night before we left, we had had ten beautiful days with the two of us and with other friends and with friends that we met on the trip. And the last night, we were sitting in a beautiful lobby in a wonderful hotel in Rome. The fireplace was on, there was a three-piece band playing, and everything was really ideal. But it wasn't ideal because something happened in me. There were about ten of us sitting there, and the conversation started. But the conversation stated in me, and what I heard was, You don't fit. You're never included. you're always on the outside who cares about you anyway you identify with those voices ok now when those voices speak to me you get behavior out of me and what you got out of me at that time was a long face now picture it there's this beautiful ideal scene and I'm sitting there with a face this long, it's a real show stopper What do you do with that? You see, and then people started looking over at me and saying, what's wrong? Do you know the answer to that one? Nothing. I'm just having a great time. Yeah, right. I sat there watching myself, embarrassed by myself, and I didn't know how to stop it. If I got up and walked away, that would have been bad. To stay there as I was would have been bad, and I stayed there as I was, and it was bad. You see, that's me when the voices start inside, and that's really what I'm going to talk about today because I don't think you are ever my problem. See, and I think that's a good thing. That's really why I'm on the planet for. I don' t believe I've long ago given up that idea that I'm here to have fun, fun, fun, fund, fun. If you listen to the ads on television, if you watch programs, you look at the newspaper, you look at magazines, and how often do we say to each other, was it fun? I don't know what fun has to do with this. And don't think that I am a person who doesn't like to have fund. But my experience has been when I made fund the object of my existence, I wound up not happy, joyous and free. I wound up miserable, screwed up and unhappy. Do you identify with that? The book says God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free there's a big difference. There's no guarantee for that in the normal sense. I think the implication is that I have to fulfill the conditions for being happy, joyful, and happy. So you see if I look at my situation here my tendency is to shut down when I can't handle relationship I have a client who has been living with some man and after a few years the hormone heaven changed to something not quite as pleasant so she came to me to see what she could do about this One day, and she was doing well with her new strategies. And one day, she called me and said, I have to talk to you. She had said to him that Saturday afternoon, I'm going to the fall fair. And he said, that's silly. He said, the fall fare is no good. And what did she do? She stayed home and she sat and stewed. she said I did not go I resented him, I gossiped about him and I hated him now you'd say well why not just pick up and go if you want to go to the fall fair, go I don't think behavior is as simple as that because I think we have stuff buried in our unconscious and as we go through the seminar I'm just starting with this just to give you an idea where we're going If you look at step 8 in the 12 and 12, Bill talks about this, that we have had experiences long since forgotten. And at the time of these, they set the pace so that later on our personalities were discolored and our lives were altered for the worse. And I say again, you are not my problem. What happens I believe in relationship is you trigger my stuff and when you trigger my stuff the old way, the old paradigm is I blame you. I want you to change. I hate you. I want to hurt you. I might gossip about you. I criticize you. I judge you and make you wrong. And right there, step 10 again comes to the forefront and says, Bill says it's a spiritual axiom that if you are upset, you are wrong. Now that woman, her way of responding to hearing the voices is to erupt in anger. i have a teacher that i know who's head of a department who set his budget you know when you look at these things on the outside and your stuff isn't triggered you can say well that's nothing i know how to handle that but you don't have to look through the lenses that somebody else looks you don'T HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH THE LENS THAT I HAVE TO look at when you trigger my stuff And I can give you good advice, which I'm not going to do if I remember. Because I don't have to look through the lens through which you look when stuff happens. And what I really think the whole journey is about, I'm in this body for a reason. You know, The Course in Miracles puts it this way. It says the only purpose of this world is to teach us our unbelief. it's easy to talk it's easily to say I believe in God yes I believe God is loving just don't cross me don't do stuff that's going to trigger me and I don't think people get up in the morning and say who will it be today ah there's Mildred in Toronto I'm going to trigger her stuff most people don't even know that they've done it they wonder what is what is happening here? I see faces change sometimes when I say something or behavior changes. I didn't set out to trigger anybody's stuff, but when it is triggered, I get a response from you. So this head of the department told me he set his budget and the whole department had agreed to that now he's got a teacher on staff who is demanding something that is unrealistic this upset him mightily something in him got triggered and his response to that is you see I told you my response is I isolate I go into the pit and that's what I learned in childhood you don't talk, you be silent. Nobody listens to you anyway. The woman that I talked about, hers is anger and either she speaks angrily to him or she allows this anger to get the better of her. She gossips and criticizes and whatever and eventually the joy of relationship is gone. This man tells me that the way he does relationship is when his stuff gets triggered, he powers up. He wants to control. He's an Al-Anon guy. Does that surprise you? And I could go on and tell you stories. But what I'm saying is there you have a situation. My relationship to the universe, that woman's relationship to her lover, the employee-employer relationship. because I think there's one solution for all problems in relationship because I thank all problems and relationship are based on self and step three says self is the problem and it says we have to be rid of this or it kills us God makes that possible and it said in another place in the big book the main problem rests in the mind and I believe that I have come to believe through my experiences that my problem is never you. What I think the universe is asking of me is that I get rid of the false beliefs because that's the only thing that stands between me and God. There is one solution for all relationship problems and I hope in this short, short time that I have to share that with you and the solution, of course, is the God solution and isn't that what the ABCs say? Because I think I'm on the planet for a hell of a lot, well, for a lot more than to not drink. I think the not drinking has given me a model for how I can do the rest of the stuff. It seems to me I think something is my solution, whether it be alcohol or a man or money or whatever the case is. I find out it isn't. I spiral down to that place called bottom and then I'm ready to take another solution. And as far as I'm concerned, Chuck Chamberlain was right when he said God is everything. And there we saw it. Either God is or God isn't. And in the big book, it's a little more, even more important. It says either God is Everything or God is Nothing. And that's what I believe. That God is Everything and that God is Here, whatever that means. My intellect does not know what that means, and I quite readily agree to that. But I also believe that this shining being of light, if we could look with the eyes of our spirit, we could see this. You see? And in the ABCs it tells me, I can't fix you and you can't fixed me but God could and would if he were sought. And it isn't going to happen because I try and change you. Does this stuff work? Well, all I can tell you is that I probably am the quintessential person of trying to avoid relationship by putting up the walls. and I was 61 years old 60 or 61 when finally God took the walls down I couldn't take them down because I could not stand you and I didn't know what was wrong I couldn'T get out you couldn'T get in and I'll try and explain that as we go along so why did I choose relationship as spiritual practice? Well, you have to admit the topic relationship is a hot one. At least the relationship part. People talk about being in relationship and out of a relationship. It's almost as if relationship is a physical space accessed by a swinging door. Now I'm in, now I'm out. Now I'm in now I'm out the truth is when also when you say relationship many people think romance relationship is much bigger than romance and infatuation and hormones and sex and falling in love believe me I didn't say it's better I I just said it's bigger. The truth is, we are always in relationship. If we're here, we're part of something. I'm in relationship, so are you. Parents, siblings, extended family, children, spouse, lover, people at work, neighbors, people at meetings group. This idea changed my whole way of seeing the world when I realized a relationship as we define it as a romantic experience is just one relationship. As I live and breathe 24 hours, 7 days a week, I'm in relationship to somebody, something, somewhere. Newer friends, people at church, social events, people I meet casually, I'm en relationship to the food I eat, to the planet, to the ozone layer, to the air, to the water, the animals, birds. Scientists are telling us we all come out of the same thing and if you don't like the language of the bible where it says we're made in the image and likeness of God take it from science. We all come from that one thing and therefore we're all made out of the same stuff in relationship to one another part of something. That's where I have to sit in the silence to really grab that and see what the significance of that is, that we come from the same thing. I cannot not be in relationship whether I like it or not. I am part of and therefore in relationship. We are connected whether we like it or not I think we're more than connected I think that really the proper definition is that you are me and I am you at some fundamental level how we deal with that that is our spiritual practice the form differs the relationship between mother and son teacher and student, boss and employee the driver and the pedestrian The farmer in the land, you and your pet, two or four-legged. You and nature, you and the ozone layer, however you want to identify that. We're in relationship. We think about these forms in a different way. We have different expectations. We have different responsibilities for each. I think that each one brings us a unique gift and each one brings us a unique challenge think about your relationship with your mother and think about the relationship you have with a person you meet casually on the street relationship is the theme of so many TV programs, films, talk shows books, magazines it sells, there's no doubt about that And it seems the more we talk, the more we talk. Are we really getting any closer to one another? I often think about this like we have computers, we have technology, we have television, we have telephones, you know, we can be in communication around the world. The world in a sense is shrinking. Are Are we getting closer to each other? I sometimes think that some of this technology distances us. You know, the computer trying to replace human encounter scares me. I need you with skin on. I need to experience you. I needto feel your energy and I needtoknowthatyoufeelmyenergy. I need to be able to look into your eyes. And I need you to be able to work with me. I need a way to look into my eyes. I need your presence. Computer dating, now there's a concept. How about computer sex? Nobody would know about that here, would you? What about computer meetings? Is it any wonder that we have this obsession with relationship? We're not getting the real thing. Is there somebody out there? You know, I meet lots of people just like you do. People, I talk to them on an intimate basis about their problems and what's going on in their life. And it always feels to me as if there's such a desperate loneliness out there. And I think it's, you know, it's kind of a paradox. we live in this skin and yet we reach out to others you know, we need to be alone and yet we need this business of relationship in order to grow and change Mark Twain said he said we do not deal much in facts when contemplating ourselves we do not deal much in facts when contemplating ourselves. When I started putting this seminar together, I was in a relatively calm place. I was feeling quite enlightened as a matter of fact. And then I came home one day and the phone rang and I answered the phone and enlightenment went out the window like that because what that person said to me triggered something in me and I went into a place of fear and I heard the monster within can you recall a situation in your life where you're feeling just as even and smooth as can be and somebody looks at you somebody walks in the door somebody says something somebody happens and immediately the earth falls out from under you can you identify with that And I knew that I had something valuable to say, because that to me is what this whole business of relation, how do you deal with that? There's no guarantee when we live on this planet. And I understand now why I put the walls up. I wanted a guarantee against pain. But putting the walls up is no guarantee against pain because we need one another. So there's that part that wants to reach out, but there's the part also that wants to protect myself so that you can't trigger my stuff. And I know now that it's well to put the wall down let you trigger my stuff and see what it is that I need to find out. It's not you triggering my stuff that's the problem. It is the old paradigm by which I lived for so many years. You know, the book says our old ideas avail us nothing. My old ideas, my old paradigm was this. You are to blame for the way I am And I never met a person I couldn't blame. If you were different, I would be okay. It's not my fault. If I am upset, you are in error. Does anybody identify with that paradigm? And is honest enough to admit it? I knew there was a reason you came in. so it's that old paradigm I believe that keeps me in prison because it's going to guarantee if I can't change the way I see things it's not your behavior it's the amount of money I make it's where I live and it's how you respond to me that's going keep me in jail I'm going to be in jail because somehow or other, that's the way I think the universe is arranged. We are meant to dance together. And when we dance together once in a while, you give me the elbow in my mouth, so to speak. You trigger my old stuff. And the old paradigm says, you did it to me, it's your fault. You see... Where was I? dancing I'm here to dance and part of it is acknowledging I'm going to get hurt in the process unless I want to sit and hold myself like this which is what I did for a lot of my life and I don't want to do that again I don' t ever want to live in that prison of loneliness again I will pay the price to have you give me an elbow once in a while in the dance of life because it's not because you want to give me the elbow in my mouth in the dance of life. It's just the way the creator has set it up. I think we come onto the planet and we get these old ideas and we're going to get to that. So it seems to me that the real work in relationship is inner change and in the broadest sense, that is what spiritual practice is. getting right inside with whatever you think God is. That's why in this program, you know, we say God as you understand God and if you don't like the term God because it is just a word, I think. It's a word for something that says I acknowledge there's something bigger than I am. I'm not the final word here. I'm just one piece of this. That's what I think this whole program has taught me. So, getting it right on the inside, cleaning up our relationships. That's what I think it's about. I didn't know that and for the first part of my life I lived behind those walls and so down through the ages if you read history sages and philosophers and teachers have always said man know thyself i remember when i was at university and this professor said he showed us this picture of the greek temple and above the portico was this big sign man know thyself and i remember sitting there in my arrogance thinking that's not right it should say man know thy god i don't think so i think if we know ourselves we're going to know that we're part of something bigger how can we not know if we no ourselves if we get still as jay was suggesting if we sit in the silence and not know that there's something bigger than we How can I dance on this planet with you and really come to see you and think that I have a right to be in the middle of the planet? And that's precisely what I did for so many years. Man, know thyself. Man, wake up. What am I to wake up to? You see, in the book, Step 12 says, As the result of doing these steps, I'm going to wake up spiritually. Something is going to happen and I'm gonna see the world different. Why do we need to wakeup? Because I think we're in a bad dream. It's a baddream that generates fear and terror. And you know if you have a bad dreams, a real dandy, you know that sometimes the memory of that dream lingers. And I think that's what's happening here on the planet. I think gradually we're starting to see that we can't continue to act as if we're separate on a global scale, and I can't continu to act as if I'm separate on a personal one-to-one scale because if I do, I create all kinds of unhappiness in my life and I certainly am not going to experience what the book says is mine, that God wants me to be happy, joyous, and free. I lived in that bad dream for a long time. The bad dream based on that old paradigm that you are wrong and that if you would change, I'd be okay. see, I think what happens is we come in a two-in-one package we come in a body and we come with our spirit there's one part of me that's trying to do what it was sent here for I don't think we can see ourselves properly unless we see this. There's the other part of me wants nothing to do with spiritual growth, spiritual awakening, getting smaller and smaller till there's nothing left but God. What does the book say? Three quotes, deep down in every man woman and child is the fundamental idea of God that's one second one it says we found the great reality deep down within us in the last analysis it is only there that he may be found and the third one comes from Dr. Bob's last talk see to it that your relationship with God is right and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. It seems to me that this has helped me a great deal because I have come to believe that those things I just read, those quotes are accurate, that this life force does live within me. But I also believe that I live in this body. And that's why I'm in the body, because I can't kid myself in this body. The body and my human experiences force me to look at what I really believe. It's one thing to say, yeah, I believe God is there. And then if I do that and look at you and say God is their, how does that work out in relationship. How does that work out in the way I see you, in the way I think about you, and the way I speak to you? In the way I speak about you and in the way I behave? Either it has some meaning or else what's the whole purpose of this? See, I think that for me, this representation really explains what I'm trying to say I believe that that life force is within me but I also believe something else that it's just a representation I like metaphors I like pictures from the Jewish Kabbalah they speak of the Klippa the Klippa which they call the hard shell the ego consciousness or the consciousness of the false self that says I'm separate from you see to me that's no longer just an esoteric idea or some words that just are said because if you look at the prayer of Saint Francis what does the prayer of Saint Francis say it says make me a channel of thy peace so where there is darkness out there I can bring love how can I bring love if it isn't within me where there is unlovingness I can brings love where there hatred I can bring peace how can i do that unless it is within me if it is with in me why don't I do that because I have this hard shell around this god self and then if that's the case all i can see is me me me what i want what i need my human experiences and this is what plunges me into that uh the situation that i was in in such great pain in my human expenses and in my body that says what am I doing here I hate this world and all the rest of that you see the self is the root of the problem as the Kabbalah says that hard shell must be broken and I think that the way the hard shell gets broken is through the process of the dance that we do with one another because I can say all I like you are responsible for me and you should make me happy and you Should Make Me Feel Good it doesn't work it creates pain and just like with the drinking of the alcohol one day you say this isn't the right way to do it and we begin the chipping away process at that hard shell until that hard cell is broken so that we can become God beings that's what I see happening here on the planet I see it happening massively in Alcoholics Anonymous, and as we do our spiritual work, I see it happening more and more. You know, we're seekers. We're not just here, I think, all our writings from many thousands of years ago, our modern day songs, they all say this. We're seeking. See, I think that as that self is broken, the God self then can inform our lives. We can become the hands and the feet and the voice of God. And then we begin that process of changing the world which is what jay was talking about through and there you have the wisdom of the oxford movement saying exactly the same thing maybe in different words but the same idea think of the words of this song poor wayfaring stranger taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home you see without that without the God informing our lives that's what I think it has to be oh we get some years where we think sex will do it for me money will do het for me another relationship will do et for me she is wrong, I'll get another one or where we thing the bigger house or the new job or whatever it is it's going to do et per me but one day it catches up with us and we say this isn't working poor wayfaring stranger taking every wrong direction on his lonely way back home what does it say in the hound of heaven ah fondest blindest weakest I am he whom thou seekest Saint Augustine put it this way he said thou hast made us for thyself oh God and our hearts are restless until they rest in thee and don't hear me say when I say that that we're going to sit off in the corner and spirituality is going to take us away from people. I don't think so. I think that true spirituality takes us into the heart of the dance where we can truly be with others and instead of bringing hatred and judgment and criticism and gossip and all that kind of stuff, we can bring love but a process has to go on before the purification takes place inside. in alcohol, in the big book it says in the doctor's opinion we're restless, irritable and discontent until we can again experience ease and comfort ok I think the story of every man is this story of the seeking of the release of that life force into our lives because if it's in me, it's in you and it's going to have to then change the way I treat you, the way you treat me. And if we can do that, we can create a new world. We won't do it through building bombs. We won't do it through argumentation. We won't do it through the efforts of the self I tried it it didn't work in my life personally I can power up as much as I like I can hate and judge and criticize as much as I liked it doesn't work so I think what happens is with alcohol well I think we take a detour you and I whether we're alcoholics or whether we are those fat members of families of alcoholics we take a detour and the detour we take is we get relief from drinking alcohol but the problem with that is that's not how I'm supposed to solve my life's problems because what it does it numbs me to what is happening and yeah I feel good for a while but it It spirals me down to a place called bottom. And at bottom, I know this is not the right way to do it. I think it was Scott Peck who said, alcoholism is a gift. It is a rich blessing. He said because while all people are broken, note that, I don't think we're so special. We just have a different way of getting broken. He says why all people are broken. Alcoholism breaks us visibly so that we are forced into community. That's what I believe. We're forced into committee and we're forced in to community without our anesthetic. I got sober and there you were. I don't like you I don' t like myself I don''t know how to deal with myself and I sure don'' t know how to deal in relationship is it any wonder you know the book says that drinking the alcohol is only the symptom it's not the problem because the problem shows up in glaring color when you get sober that's how it was for me I didn't know how to do to do anything and I you know where I had used alcohol to solve my problems and it didn't work I also tried using people to solve my problem and it did not work see what I think is the problem with that is this when I try to use you to solve my problems, to get you to make me happy. I'm out of line with the universe and in that battle I never win. It shouldn't be a battle anyway it's an opportunity for me to surrender but the problem with it is it puts me in the center of the universe trying to control you and that's a position I do not have the right to have it puts me also in the position where i try to favor a few you see people say they were people pleasers i was never a people pleaser i was an ass kisser because i needed you to treat me in a certain way so i wouldn't hear those old voices that was me so I would do whatever it took to get you to treat me the way I needed to be treated so that I could feel okay there's a great problem with that and it's not what we're here for I've long ago given up the idea that my primary goal here is to have fun I think that my my goal here is to wake up spiritually so that I can contribute to the planet in a different way rather than pouring toxins and the fume of hatred into the race consciousness that I can do something uplifting you see, and we stay out of that business in Alcoholics Anonymous that's why the Washingtonians went down, they took what their sobriety and they were going to get into political causes what I think happens here is We get sober, and then that sober life, not as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, but as a sober person on the planet, I can use that sober life, that new spiritual insight to do whatever it is. And heaven knows the good things that members of Alcoholic Anonymous have done. now I want to talk to you about my relationships that's an interesting subject if you were up here I'd like to hear about yours the way I could describe myself I was a lonely center foraging for warmth and belonging that comes from a poem A lonely center foraging. We think of people foraging in the garbage cans. I was foraging for some warmth and belonging. Why do you not love me? I'm a nice girl. Why can't you just include me and make me feel okay? I did not know who I was. I thought I was just human. I thought this was all there was to me. Oh yeah, there was a God, but not in here. There was some God out there who was watching and who was recording. And if you lived like I did, that was not good news. My first experiences with life were, I'll say five. My retarded sister. With her, I wanted to fix her. That was my first mistake. You see, I didn't know that people come onto the planet to learn something spiritually. And I tried, I looked at my family and I wanted them to fix her. They didn't. Not because they wouldn't, but because they couldn't. But I as a child took on some very error beliefs. Life is scary, nobody loves me, nobody listens to me. and we'll talk about how those affect our lives. My mother, second relationship. I despised her. I could never figure it out. There were ten kids in our family. Nine kids loved her. The neighbors loved her, the people in church loved her I hated her. Why? She didn't misuse me. She didn' t abuse me. I know now why. She was my mirror. There was a point at which my mother thought like a victim, but isn't it interesting that nine of my brothers and sisters did not see that? I did. Why was she in my life and I in hers? She was My Mirror to show something to me. I don't know where I got this, but I think it's true. when we attract a person who acts less than lovingly toward us or with whom we have a difficult relation. That person is showing us a part of ourselves that we do not love and accept, a part OF ourselves that we need to look at. The universe is giving us an opportunity to see a part Of ourselves that WE are hiding from ourselves. That sounds a lot different than blaming, doesn't it? You're in my life, so I look at something I can't see without you. Then there was my family. My relationship with them was, I don't like you, you didn't fix my sister. Get lost. I don' t like you. I don''t want to be like you." My contemporaries, I begged them to like me. They never did. I went to a convent. You know, at 18, I'm an alcoholic, a raging alcoholic. I go to a convent. I can give you a couple of nifty reasons why I went, none of which really make sense. If you're a raging alcoholic, you should not go to the convent and if you like men as much as I like men, you shouldn't go to convent but I know another reason. I know two big reasons why I went. I was so filled with fear. When I couldn't fix my sister, I became filled with fear. Unbelievable fear. You know, life is scary. Look how she is living and what if something happens to me? Nobody helps me. So go someplace where somebody's going to look after you. A convent in those days was a great place where they were going to look after your sister. you the price you paid was poverty chastity and obedience you might play around with those vows a little bit anyway but I think that one of the reasons I really went was because if I went to the convent they'd have to love me there nuns were supposed to be loving and my whole life had been spent so far at 18 years, chasing the world. Always chasing. Little girls I remember chasing them across the playground. Sometimes I cannot even say this without crying because the wound is that deep. Chasing them across the playground saying, why don't you love me? I'm a nice little girl. Why do you run away from me? Why can't I play with you? That's a wound and that wound is still in me to some degree and that's one of the wounds that draws me to God you see I thought the nuns were going to have to love me I'll tell you something I didn't fit I didn' t fit you have nasty minds not see not for the reasons you may think now No relationships with men. This is where it gets interesting and dangerous. I always pick men who would do for me what I could not do for myself. my starting point you see, I have these lenses I'm not okay I'm a loser I can't, I'm nobody nobody loves me men have power I don't fit I need somebody to help me I need someone to help I need something to make my life okay anybody out there identify with that? I didn't know that's what I was doing you see I think we put out an energy and we draw people to us. Hey, you over there, get over here. I need somebody to trigger my stuff. My need was power, prestige, acceptance, and inclusion. So, you know the kind of men I pulled into my life? They were men who had power. They were women who had influence. They were men who were popular. They were men whom I thought could take me where I needed to go. The bait I used, you know the bait I use. I'll pay that price. You don't know the bet I used? I wasn't 71 in those days. But I can still use that bait today. I keep telling the guys when I give them retreats that I'm looking for resumes I get some sometimes too so who did I draw and I'll tell you living like that you pay a price the first man I drew was a psychiatrist ha ha I met him and all the women that I knew were just gaga over him. Well, that's a good guy to have. He had prestige. He was the friend of Dr. Hoffer. He was on staff at the university hospital. He surely could take me where I needed to go, okay? I wasn't out 20 minutes with him on the first date. My gut said, get away from this. But my old voices said, you need this man. It'll be okay. You'll find a way to make this work. And the result of that was, yeah, I got the man, but I also got the beatings. I also Got the whippings. And I'm not saying this, I'm saying this in the context of relationship. I paid a price for that. And because I had a victim consciousness, I didn't know what to do about that. I'm sitting there one day with a back that's black and blue with broken bones and I don't know wat to do. And I am not saying that so you'll feel sorry for me. I am saying it as a point of truth. I didn't know what to do with that and because I have this victim consciousness I don't call the police I won't even show my doctor my back so, that's number one he died eventually we both got sober and then we split we divorced and so on but that's a price I paid for what I thought I needed the second fellow He was handsome. Oh, my God, he was handsome! I thought lived them all except one. Isn't that interesting? He was handsome. He was the toast of AA. He was sophisticated. He was brilliant. He was assistant to the president of a big company and he was going to be in line for the presidency. Oh, did he fit! He fit my requirements exactly. And I had the bait that he wanted so it was a match made in heaven yeah there was no physical violence but there was verbal violence he used to tell me how stupid I was and that you could take the girl off the farm but you couldn't take the farm out of the girl I tell you that again I don't need your sympathy I don t feel sorry for myself it's an observation when you've got a victim consciousness you find the bully that's going to victimize you, either physically or mentally or emotionally. So eventually we broke that one off. Third one, he was handsome. He was very successful. He was also the toast of Alcoholics Anonymous. He was wealthy. And we didn't have physical violence. We didn't having verbal violence, but we had the violence of silence. And silence can be as great a violence as anything. And people used to say, Oh, you look so good together. Oh yeah, we look so Good Together. And we'd get into our big Mercedes and we didn't have a word to say. The silence was deafening and I didn't know what to do about it. At that point, I didn' t know I was behind my walls. So, he was behind his walls. I was behind mine. You can't have a relationship like that. All these relationships, they began in heat. They began in hormone heaven. they all ended in coldness the kind of coldness that not all the Viagra in the world would solve they ended in me judging and criticizing and hating and I'm sure the same from them and they ended up in a place where they ended attempts to change those men because I was coming from a place of neediness victim consciousness the inability to care for myself and for others I was just not a mensch I had the walls up the clippa was strong you know, I could go to a convent and try to do all the good which I did that's what this deal is about I think that God self couldn't get out I looked good I was a great hostess i was a great teacher people always you know said we admire you and inside i'm dying and then i came to alcoholics anonymous i put down the booze and i put down the drugs and now i'm sitting here no anesthetic and i started drinking at five and i think i stopped growing at five i have the emotional and the mentality when it comes to relationship of a five-year-old. I need you, you're supposed to make me happy. Doesn't work. And I sat in AA for 21 years. And, you know, it takes what it takes. Just because you put the booze down, just because you Put The Drugs Down doesn't mean you know how to do relationship. And I didn't know this stuff at that time. And so I'd go to people and I'd say, I don't feel good inside. Once I came to Alcoholics Anonymous for Good in 1973, I stayed. And if you were monitoring me as a member of AA, you'd say Mildred is a good member of AAA. I always did the stuff. I had a sponsor. I talked to my sponsor. I sponsored other people. I was going to meetings. I had a home group. I worked at my group. I went out to speak. I did what I was asked. I was a good member of A&M. I'd go to people and I'd say, and you know, I'd stop cheating and I stopped sleeping around, well, mostly. And I'd go to People and I'D say, I don't feel good. And they'd say to me, What are you not doing? What are you doing wrong? on the outside I was not just complying I was doing good things what I didn't know was about this inner work that I was going to be asked to do as I went along at 21 years I decided that maybe it would be a good thing to get off the planet because I'd done AA and you know sometimes Clancy says or you know I've had people say to me You shouldn't say this. Why not? When I talk about this, people come to me and say, you know, I'm 17 years sober. I spoke at a meeting the other night. There were 50 people at that meeting and five people came up to me instead. I'm 16 years sober, I'm so many years sober and I'm feeling just like you felt at 21 years. What do I do with this? Well, you see, we get sober. And then I think it's about our spiritual life expanding and growing and the deepening of our relationship with God. And if that's going to happen, the way I did that at one year isn't going to be the same. What worked at one years shouldn't work at 21 years. There has to be a changed. And what I was being asked to do was a deeper surrender, another surrender. And I remember the day that that happened. And it was magical to me how the things happened after this. You know, I believe today that when you have the walls up, you need the walls out. You know, if you need the walls to survive, it's not up to me to take your walls down. My walls came down in a way that I didn't expect. I didn' t really even know that I had them. All I know was that day at 21 years sober, I had planned the deal and that day I had a spiritual experience and I did not know how it was going to happen but i knew that i was all right and that i would be shown the way three weeks later i remember the next morning after this getting up in the world looked just as dark as it ever had and i remember distinctly setting the alarm for whatever time i set it getting out of bed and feeling i have no place to go and putting one foot ahead of the other and I kept doing that for three weeks and then the phone rang I don't know how it will happen for you if that's what you need I know how It happened for me The phone rang and it was one of the Jesuits saying would you come and give retreats here and my response flippant I know but I said you have no idea Father how many times I've been excommunicated and he said I don' t care I want you to come so I came and the very first retreat that I gave you know, I knew a lot of head stuff read a lot studied theology I was a well educated young woman I knew all the things I knew about a head stuff and the last conference I was giving all of a sudden I stood there and I swear to you the walls came tumbling down this is about relationship this is getting real about how we do this dance on the planet. And I stood there in front of 70 women and my friend Dorothy, who is here with me, was at that retreat. Remember that? And I was there. And I don't cry pretty when I do that like they do in the movies. I bawled. And words came out of my mouth that I didn't ever expect to say. And the words I said were I don' t have a friend in the world. And that was true. I had thousands of acquaintances but when you live in the walls you don't let people in people used to say you intimidate me yeah they slammed up against my walls and I'd shove them away I thought it was a compliment that I was so wonderful that's why I intimidated them they were hitting my walls that's what it was about I wouldn't let anybody in and I was 60 or 61 years old. That is a lonely, lonely life and I stood there and I said would some of you be kind enough to try and make a friendship with me and dear Dorothy was one of the first ones who stepped up and said let's go and have some coffee and a wonderful rich friendship has developed out of that. Those are the kinds of things you never forget, Dorothy. the people that will reach into your life and know that you haven't much to offer because you've so sheltered yourself from relationship you know, I look around and I see people who have husbands and they have children and they Have families I'm just learning how to do relationship I'm learning to let my family in I'm leaning to let people in AA in to let down the masks to get real with this thing. And so what I find is I actually have the capacity to care. I have the capability to feel for people. I'm starting to like people. I like people immensely, as a matter of fact. You know, I look at the Dalai Lama and, you know, I think he must have gone through some process because there's always that little smile around his lips And if you read his works, he always talks about compassion. My years have taught me something, have taught how I think this thing really works and how many people are really hidden behind their masks. I'm not the only one. Chuck Chamberlain, many years ago. Just a few more things I'd like to say so I don't leave too much for Sunday morning because I would like to get for practical things something that you can take home to the bank if you so desire my friend Rick is here and leaves and I guess Rick knows me as well as anybody on the planet and I think he'd be the first to say, I'm not the same person I was five years ago I'm no longer the same I'm now not the same person I was ten years ago I've learned a process that has helped me a great deal to change. As a matter of fact, it is my spiritual practice. It has to do with those old voices because all that you've ever done is trigger my old voices. That committee of monsters that sits in my being that says you're not good enough, nobody likes you, nobody listens to you, you are nothing because you are a girl. See, I went through that today. I don't come to doing these seminars always. Sometimes I experience a lot of fear because part of me says, I hear those old voices. They're not gone. And you know, I think it's kind... I'm kind of excited about it because what they force me to do is my spiritual work. They force me to take a look at the fact God is within me And this is the work, the getting rid of that klippa, that false self. The self that the book says is the root of the problem. You see, this business, me dancing in the middle of the universe with six and a half billion other people dancing too. Why should I be in the center of the universe? You know, when you think of everything that is here. Many years ago, I came to Alcoholics Anonymous the first time in 1966 and Chuck Chamberlain used to come out to Prince Albert because that's where I was. Prince Albert, Saskatchewan. Probably nobody here knows where Prince Albert is. Oh my goodness! Okay. Cease Cargill was my first sponsor and Chuck Chamberlain was a friend of his and Chuck used to come out to Prince Albert a lot. And in those days I was doing AA my way which means I was in AA stoned. A little bit of a problem there and everybody knew that this was going on and Chuck would sit with me and he'd say Mildred you are in pain I recognize that but you're not in pain for the reasons you think and in simple form he would draw this diagram for me and He would say you are in pain because you think you're separate he said this is the truth well you know when your head is full of drugs you've got that going and somebody says this is solution old man go back to California please but he understood me and he'd say Mildred that's all there is is God that's all there is is God and you as an ex-nun ought to know that yeah right Chuck he'd say we all are part of that whole and when you think you're separate that's why you are in the dark and that's Why you are pain and that why your life is so exceedingly difficult I didn't understand that. And then he'd say, you already are everything that you can be. Oh, get lost, Chuck. I don't have a home. You know, I'm in trouble in every department and you're saying I'm everything I can be? You see, Chuck understood this. He didn't draw that diagram for me, but I understand it today. He knew why he said that. He knew that I was dancing like you are in this body simply to learn your lessons. It's easy to talk spirituality and say, yeah, that's all there is. But I've got on this planet contend with you and with everybody and everything that I'm in relationship with and see how that all shakes down. I look at this today and I say, yes, Chuck, you're right. I believe it there is no problem in this dimension as long as i put this first and work on the breaking of that clipper so that that life force can indeed use my voice that it can use my hands to do good that it kan use my feet to go to the places where i can do some good thats what the journey is about but to do that I've got to get rid of those old ideas because when it's a conflict between the old ideas that are buried in the unconscious and what I tell myself with my conscious mind you ever win it you never win that battle you know it's and that's where I think the real work of spiritual practice is learning how to do the dance with you and just one more thing I want to say and then we'll close it's always amazing to me how many Nobel Peace Prize winners talk about this subject I love science I love quantum physics not that I'm a quantum physicist, but I've read enough that I know something." And they all say the same thing. We're all one. They say we come in different forms, but we're all One. We are all part of the great whole. And they might not call it God as religion would understand it, but they call it the ground of being. They call it The One Great Reality. And that always impresses me because it's one thing to hear it from spiritual teachers but when people who have studied the nature of reality are telling you the same thing it really reinforces what I believe if you brought a primitive let's just say that back there we have a room upstairs and we have projector in there and that projector is projecting a vase with some flowers onto the wall here, okay? And then you bring a primitive from the jungle who knows nothing about electricity and projectors and movies and all that kind of stuff. You bring him and you say to him, if you can move that vase and those flowers over to the side I will give you your heart's desire remember he is a primitive from the jungle what do you think he is going to do he is going to go up to the wall and he is gonna touch that and he's gonna try and push it right step away there it still is he doesn't know how the system works he wants his heart's desire so I bet you that he might go and get saw and he might saw right around the vase and the flowers and pull out the piece that he sawed away and there's nothing on it and he looks through and on the wall, behind the wall there's the vase and the followers he doesn't know how the system works you go upstairs and you move the projector a sixteenth of an inch and voila the flowers in the vase are over there and he says, oh my God, you must be God. A miracle has occurred. No miracle. You just knew how the system worked. I did not know that my old beliefs buried in my unconscious were my enemy. I didn't know how the systems worked. And if you would like to come back On Sunday morning, we'll get into some real practical stuff to talk about how the system works in reality. You've been a wonderful audience. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, how are you? Thanks very much, I'm Charlie.