The Obsession Was Lifted in a Spiritual Awakening – Pat

I'm a very tempered alcoholic. My name is Pat Rogan. Thanks to the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous outlined in this big book of Alcoholic Anonymous, which is the program of AA, I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. And for that, I will be forever grateful. AA didn't just save my life, but it gave me a new life, and I get to be part of this. I mean, this is incredible. You know, we're talking about the 12th step, which will be a very abridged version, but my God, what a testimony to the twelve steps. right i mean could there have been a better testimony to the 12 steps than what we just saw here tonight i mean that's you guys got me in tears uh it just to be able to be part of this our book says this is something you just don't want to miss you just you can't miss it i mean to see steven come up here with a collared shirt no hat that was freaking incredible yeah that's a spiritual awakening right there and alex you know to have this little one running around this this brought me back to my first days in aa uh when i was able to get when they were when they allowed me to have my kids, when they allowed me to see my kids after I had lost custody, I brought them here. And that's why you know me, I'm so tolerant of children in AA. I mean, don't use them as an excuse not to come here and treat your illness, right? I have a kid, I don't care. They don't distract me at all. I love them, you know, because I was able to bring my kids here and the women in these meetings took them aside while I got healthy and got better and let my kids play with the chips and throw them on the floors, and they tolerated that because they knew my life depended on it. And I know that anybody who's here, I believe your life depends on it or you wouldn't be here. You'd be somewhere else. That's how I know you need this, because you're here. That's why I know whatever you were doing out there and whatever your beliefs were out there wasn't enough, because you'RE here. Because if your beliefs out there were enough, you'd be there. And so you'RE HERE. and this book has been all about that it's been all about picking up that medallion this book hasn't been all about that how do i weather the storm so i've found what fact finding fact facing i found the facts about myself and i faced those facts i faced the truth about myself that whole those those first first five were the whole foundation of this program to bring about that personality change right that spiritual experience personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism sometimes quickly spiritual experience sometimes slowly spiritual awakening you know my favorite and we hear it every time somebody picks up a medallion i mean tonight it was just so out there you know ideas attitudes and emotions that were once the guiding forces of these men and women replaced by a whole new set of conceptions we think feel act differently why because we saw the truth we saw the truth and the truth is i'm selfish and i'm self-centered and i've driven by fear self-delusion self-pity and to get what i want i'll do anything i'll step on your toes to get whatever i want anybody it don't matter you can be my wife you could be my child you'd be my friend and be my enemy. I'm going to get what I want. Somehow, someway, I'm gonna get what I want and those first five steps brought that to life and I think the awakening if you will, I mean I had you guys heard my story, anybody's been here I had an experience in step five I had a spiritual experience in step four. God entered my heart in step five. The obsession for me was lifted in my fifth step That doesn't mean that there wasn't awakening after awakening after awakening after awakening to take place the rest of the years one after another the transformation was slow for me but steady you know what i mean it was slow but steady and mostly as you've heard my stories mostly initiated through pain i mean all my spiritual goals i'll be honestly all of my spiritual growth has been through pain has been true adversity all of it i would love to tell you that i get up every morning i said man i just want to spiritually grow today you know i wish i could tell you that was true but it's just not you know now i i have my rituals i told you about them yes i have my rituals that i go through every morning to try to connect to the god of my understanding but as soon as i merge on the sawgrass i can lose that connection yeah as soon As I run into somebody I can lose that connection somebody pushes me or brushes me the wrong way I can loose that connection and I just got to keep getting back there i just got to keep getting but event the longer i've been around the more tolerant i become the more understanding i become the more patient i become that's what the 12th step i love it in the 12 and 12. i'm not going to get into the books tonight but i love it in a 12 or 12 it talks about what is they describe a spiritual awakening as being able to do feel and and uh what is do feel and accomplish things that I was not able to do on my own, right? I can do things today that I wasn't able to. I was able to before. I am not threatened by the alcohol aisle in Publix. I am NOT threatened by being at a concert or a ball game or something where people are smoking pot and drinking. Anybody that knows, you go to concerts, it's a thick cloud in there, you know? I'm not threatened about that. It doesn't even appeal to me anymore. I was never able to do that. I had to avoid the liquor aisle in public. I had stay out of the liquor and Walgreens. I don't even notice it anymore. I don' t even notice anymore. It's just put in a place of safety, safe and protected. It's been removed. I've gotten so much more out of this. You have to trust me on this. If you're new, you have to be honest with me. You have got to trust beyond this. I have gotten so much more out of this than liquor or drugs could ever give me. When it comes to peace and serenity, I'm telling you, nothing compares to this. But you got to do this. You got to doing this. It's just an incredible gift that we've been given here. Not unattainable on my own. unattainable on my own without you and God in my life and you are God in My life God works through you in My Life that's how this works for me without that I'm nowhere like I said I had that experience in five and I couldn't wait to make amends I couldn'T wait to get this thing together it was in place in step five for me a recovery was in play and i know people have it in nine some people have it as a result of living 10 11 and 12 but don't look the people that picked up chips tonight that's a personality change that's a person that's a spiritual awakening when i picked up that white chip that was something i was unable to do on my own nowhere in my life did i say i can't wait to go to aa i mean i got this on a resume in high school i can'T WAIT TO GO TO AA and pick up a white chip and start a new way of life. You think I made the decision to stand up and make that walk of shame to pick up that white chip? That had nothing to do with me. Nothing to do mit I don't even know what happened. Papa Smurf said, does anybody want a new day of life? A new way alive? And I jumped up out of my chair and got this white chip. I have no idea what I was doing. And then this And then I get this. I mean, just the gifts that we get, you know? I can do, I feel compassion. I feel understanding. I feel you. I'm able to look at people who want to beat my ass last week, you know, and pray for them. And that's not me. I'm asking myself, I wonder what's going on in his life that makes him want tobeat the shit out of me, you Know? Seriously. Seriously. That's something I am unable to do on my own. That's not me. That's this. That's God entering my heart. Understanding, I just, my understanding of God is just, just keeps on growing, man. It's just, I said it last week. I think it's Emmett Fox that talks about this never-ending desire for more God. More God. I need more of this in my life. I need you in my life. Real quick, let's talk about that. Here's a cool thing. Here's an interesting thing. Here's the cool historical thing, right? Ebi Thatcher tells Bill Wilson that unless he lives a life of self-sacrifice and helpfulness to others carrying this message, he'll never survive the low spots in life. It's in Bill's story. I think it's page eight or something. guess what? Ebi didn't do it. And guess what, Ebi didn't stay sober. Because he didn't do what he told Bill he had to do to keep this gift. That's part of the program. That's a part of the deal. If you're working the steps and you're doing inventory and you are praying and you are not sponsoring somebody and you are wondering why you keep relapsing what is the missing part? what's the missing part helpfulness to others self-sacrifice and helpfulness to others it says this is an experience you will not want to miss i i don't want to mix it i love it i absolutely love it live for it we do a step workshop out here every tuesday in the back room here take people through the steps in four weeks because i think and look whatever your sponsor is doing with you keep doing it if you're staying sober right if you're not you might want to rethink it you know i'm just saying that this program was originally designed to do quickly quickly this was not a long drawn-out process it was designed to put put recovery in place now and get out there and help other people and then you'll stay stopped i believe we come in here when we i think disrespectfully called a pink cloud, is a spiritual window of opportunity. When we come in here and we're willing to listen to anything and maybe even do anything we're told, but that window freaking closes, man. And it closes quick. At some point, we think we have something to do with us staying stopped. The ego returns. And we think, we got this. I got this, I got these. Because why? Because I put 30 days together not drinking and going to meetings. because i went 90 to gays go six months together because i got a year it was designed to do quickly now is there times when i think maybe i'm pushing somebody too fast and i need to slow down yes but we engage we get into the steps we get an understanding of the first two steps for god's sake that's a requirement i just i sat in these if you were here the first week i sat in these rooms for three months we were talking about this before the meeting right i sat in the meetings for three months and i didn't know what my problem was i did not know nobody ever sat and read the doctor's opinion to me and explained that what exactly what that said i knew nothing about a physical compulsion i knew Nothing about a mental obsession all i knew is that alcohol had blown up my life and i need help that's all i so who did i fall in with it don't drink and go to denny's That was our mantra. Don't drink and go to Denny's, 90 and 90. I mean, that's good suggestions because you're never going to find a sponsor if you don't drink and go the meetings. You're never gonna get this if you just don't go to meetings or never gonna hear the message. But I didn't hear that. I didn' hear what I needed to hear. Just say no? Don't you think I would have done that before I gave up my child? don't you think I would have done that before I gave up my freedom I couldn't say no, I could not stop I couldn' stay stopped but I didn't know why I did not know why, I blamed you I blamed her especially her obsession of the mind allergy to body i had no idea that i lost the power of choice that's that was so new right that was new to society when the doctor publishes that right that's the first time in written history that we read that not only are we mentally ill we are physically sick i had no idea that once I put a drink in my system, I had no choice whatsoever to take the next one. I had to. It was just imperative that I take it. I didn't know. I Didn't Know What I Didn'T Know. When somebody finally pointed that out to me, I went, oh my God, I'm not crazy. Anybody else think they were crazy when I got here? I mean, who gives up children and freedom and careers? I Mean, who does that? Who robs their parents? You know, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU GUYS. who does that crazy people no sick people do that people who suffer from an illness they do that and that becomes our gift in the 12th step doesn't it that becomes argue that becomes our unique gift that our pain and suffering our sickness our illness our stories become our greatest asset. And what's the book say? It averts death and misery for other people. The book is still, I mean, there's some stuff on the surface in working with others that looks old and archaic, which may be true because nowadays we don't have to detox them in our houses and give them drinks and we take them to detox nowadays, right? So it's a little bit different now. But on the surface, what's it say? See your man alone if possible. Start swapping stories. Tell him how you couldn't stop. Tell them how you could control once you started. Tell him what happened when you couldnít stop or control. Tell your story and then get him to tell some of his stories. And what happens? We create this bond because we start swapping these tragically funny stories right things that other people would think are tragic we think are hilarious right remember the time we rolled the car over four times you know yeah that was some shit you know walked away yeah you know we start telling stories like people at another table going you hearing this something people but that's the bond and then all of a sudden we got this deal right what does bob tell bill this is the first person that ever knew what he was talking about when it came to alcoholism and he told he talked about it through experience no lecture through experience and all of a sudden i start hearing yeah i did that yeah i felt like that yeah that happened to me and boom we got the bond right now we got our now we're walking shoulder to shoulder you know and then what's it say tell them about the spiritual solution matter of fact it says this stress the spiritual resolution freely freely not let's not scare them out yeah no stress the Spiritual feature freely and here's what's even more important in my book let them know that whatever conception of god they want to use is up to them don't preach don't share yours unless there's already that bond you know i'm not going to share my beliefs unless i already know that's where he's or she is at not going gonna do that it's the god of my understanding how about you it could be the godof your understanding too there's the foundation right there. My friend Ben used to say the bedrock of that foundation is step one, and then the foundation is just a willingness to believe. Just on that foundation, Bill says it in his story, right? On that foundation a wonderful structure can be built. Admitting I'm powerless and be willing to believe that there's a power that'll solve my problem. Just know the maybe. Just know the may be. And if you don't want to go to maybe, look at your choices. The book tells us twice what they are if you're the real deal. I don't know if you are or not, but if youre the real deal, go on to the bitter end, blocking out our intolerable situation or accept spiritual hell. Die an alcoholic death, addict death, or accept spiritual health. There's your choices. That's the thing. It's about, and look, they did this all on the first visit, right? Let me know if your ready to make a decision next time i see it you know and the next time you see it you're doing a third step right and then you're writing matter of fact they didn't even write back then they just told us they just did their fifth step openly dr bob took 5 000 people through the steps in what 15 years he died 1950 got sober 35 right yeah you do the math try to figure out how many guys a day he took through the steps He was taking them through in groups. Him and Clarence, they were taking people through the steps in groups We shared our fists and we confessed We made a list of the people we hurt We started making those amends and we went out and we looked for drunks That's what they did That's how they stayed sober Why would it be any different today? Why would It be any Different? I think five weeks is a long time You know But to me I think that's the way it's supposed to be I think that's the way this was outlined to be. I love it. I wouldn't miss it. I mean, Brian sends me inventories. Stephen and I talk. I mean I got, you know, Sammy, him and I touch base every day. Without you guys, I'm in my head, man. You know, thank you God for working through the guys I sponsor and not forgetting about me. Not forgetting about being. I got a lot of guys. I think it was God, I forget his name now From Ohio From Sandusky Kent C Kent C I asked him one day Because he did a talk like this I asked someone Kent How many guys do you sponsor? He said about half of them You know Isn't that true? Right Isn't those the facts? Absolutely That's the facts Yep I can't even tell you How many people How many I sponsor I can tell you How many I contacted today That's right I can show you How many Contacted me Or I contacted them you know that's the cool thing man that's that's what keeps me on the beam you guys if you didn't send me inventories every night damn if i would do it there's nights i do not feel like doing it and then i get one from brian you know i get on from brandon too i get two brandons they both send me theirs religiously you know as soon as they come in i go shit you know get my computer out and it's easy randy my sponsor here is by the way his first time he's been here a long time Randy's from North Carolina so I actually do have a sponsor he's not just my sponsor he's my best friend we're shoulder to shoulder he gets inventories for me just about every night I rarely miss and he reads them because I know he'll call me how's that shit going at work you know he gets a lot of those yeah and then I got Father Ed i got my people man i mean the fellowship here is is just incredible i mean sheldon and i are like brothers in recovery you know there's guys that i just walk shoulder to shoulder with here that i love being around you know they just they lift you up you know what i mean you'll be you'll become the people you hang out with you hangout with negative people you will end up negative You follow the people that are looking for recovery You follow people that Are chasing speakers That are carrying the message of AA You'll become You'll get recovered You hang out with the predators You're going to become a predator You hang with people that go in and out You're gonna be going in and Out I really believe that Find the people who have what you want And hang on to them and follow them where they're Going And I shared with you guys Billy G, who I see at the hockey games all the time. I want to know where Billy was going. I didn't want to know where there was a meeting. I wanted to know where Billy's going because Billy had what I wanted. Billy was connected and he had two years. I thought he was God. How do you get two years? But he was going through a divorce. He lost custody of his two boys. Talk about the same story. He'd come into AA just like I did. we had a bond and I went where Billy went and we ended up both recovered so follow the precise specific exact clear cut directions find somebody to sponsor you that take you through this book and you will have the promise you will have the spiritual awakening as a result of these steps and that is the message that we carry that's really the only message we have we have had a spiritual awakeningas a result of the steps in his book. And that's the message we carry to other alcoholics and addicts who suffer. That's it. That's the only message we have. Happy New Year, everybody. See you next year.