The Ninth Step Amends That Almost Ended in a Mob – Don H.

Chapter 46 Those Who Cannot Remember the Past Are Condemned to Repeat It Brian was learning a lot about himself and his relationship with others through the application of Step 9. Happily, most of those lessons were far less painful than Round 1 with Tony had been. Some people were not happy to see him. They accepted his amends without a lot of forgiveness but with a modicum of respect. Some people couldn't even remember the incidents he was bringing up. They had no problem with him and quickly forgave the unremembered slight. Others impressed him greatly with their capacity for forgiveness. These were the people to whom he had often done grievous harm. Yet, the most readily forgave him, wished him luck, and said that as far as they were concerned, it was now best to leave the past in the rearview mirror. He reached out to everyone on his list whom he could find. He contacted all of them and made good on his ninth step. But there was one amends in particular that he had saved for last. This one was going to be tough, and he had no idea how he was goingto pull it off. Fortunately, he knew one person who was uniquely equipped to provide guidance, so he sought him out. As always, the best place to find Willie was in a group at the VA. Brian thought how fitting it was that he would start this amends process in the VA, given the nature of it. After group, Brian pulled Willie aside. Willie, I came here to ask you for your help. I'm doing step nine and there's one amends I need to make but I'm not exactly sure how to approach it. Willie beamed. He loved to be helpful. What can I do for you? Just ask. Brian cleared his throat. There was a period in my life when I did grievous harm to a lot of people. I can never make amends to all of them, but there's one person I may be able to contact. Willie's eyes went cold. You're talking about making amends to the old man from the campaigns, aren't you? Brian swallowed hard. Yes, I am. I know this is painful for you. It sure as hell is for me, but it's something I've got to get off my chest. I did a lot of drinking with those memories running through my brain. I will not let my past dictate my future. But I'm terrified about this one. It's going to open a lot of old wounds for me, and I need to know how to approach it. That's why I came to you. Nobody understands this like you do. Brian knew this was a tough task. Now that he was working the steps, he knew that he would have no true freedom without shining a light on this period of his life. But he had no idea how to approach these people. Willie was lost in thought. He said nothing for a very long time. After a long silent spell, Brian said, You know what, Willie? Forget about it. I've asked too much of you. Since I came into AA, you've been there to cheerlead me through some of my rockiest moments. But I don't deserve another trip to the well at your expense. I apologize for pulling you into this, my friend. I should have gone to Rob on this one. Willie had slumped into his chair. His arms were dangling. and he had a 10,000-foot vacant stare. Brian had never seen him like this. He was wondering if his request had triggered some kind of PTSD episode. He knelt down to look into his eyes, but Willie was pretty much unresponsive. Brian started to panic and began looking around for the counselor who had run the group meeting. The man had left the room and Brian was going to go find him. He put his hands on Willie's shoulders. It's okay, Willie. You don't have to go with me to see the old man. I'm going to go and find someone now to help you out. I'll be right back. He turned and started to almost run for the door. No! Brian turned on his heels and saw Willie looking him in the eye. Don't get anyone, Brian. I'll do it. I'll try to be fine. His gaze was steady but his hands were vibrating. I need to do this with you, Willie said. I've been coming to these damn group meetings forever and after the first couple of years... I stopped making progress. Nothing has changed for me as long as I can remember. I was considering dropping out of the group because it had become so pointless, but I think you are on to something. I never considered this as a ninth step sort of thing, but you know, attempting to obliterate the population of a whole country seems about as ninth-steppy as you can get. If I'm to confront my demons, I think it's time for me to meet with them in person. On the one hand, Brian was happy that Willie had snapped out of his catatonic stupor. But on the other, he wasn't sure exactly what he meant about confronting his demons. It sounded kind of ominous, and this wasn't supposed to be that kind of mission. You know, Willie, he replied, This isn't going to be a confrontation. It's an amends. Willie smiled again. Poor choice of words on my part. Sorry, Brian. What do you propose we do? It was Brian's turn to smile. The old happy-go-lucky Willie had returned. I'm thinking that the best place to find them is at the farmer's market like before. It's open from eight to noon this Saturday. I think we should head down there, close to noon, as they're closing up and if we can have a chat with the old man and his son, there will be fewer people around at that time. Willie took a deep breath and exhaled for longer than Brian thought humanly possible. Okay, Saturday morning we're going down to the farmer's market To see about doing a couple of ninth steps A couple? asked Brian Yeah, yours and mine I'll never get this monkey off my back If I don't do something more than I've been doing thus far Maybe this is what I need They left the VA and went their separate ways Without uttering another word to one another They were utterly resolved And bedwetting terrified Brian spent the rest of the week praying for a torrential rain shower that would wash out the market. He wanted one more week to gird his loins for battle. For his part, Willie had prayed for a full-blown tornado. Neither man got his wish. Saturday dawned sunny, warm, and windless. The two met at the entrance to the market at the predesignated time of 1155. They walked to the back of the market with all the lighthearted enthusiasm of a pair of death row inmates, jaws set in grim determination. Brian was terrified and exhausted from not sleeping all night. Willie hadn't slept all week. He was sweating profusely and breathing heavily as if he were dragging a corpse. Perhaps figuratively, he was. Thoughts of the past swirled through his brain. He saw faces and places that sent shivers up his spine. He was right back in the shit. He decided more than once that this was just not worth it. He convinced himself that he couldn't do it. He felt sure that he was marching to his death. But each time his courage waned and he felt the overpowering desire to bolt for the parking lot, he looked over at Brian who appeared every bit as miserable as he did. If Brian can do this, he thought, so can I. Of course, Brian was looking at Willie thinking exactly the same thing. Neither man felt he had the strength to pull this off. Finally, they arrived at the old man's stall. Pale-faced and oozing unease, Brian locked eyes with the oldman's son. The younger man smiled at him. Both Willie and Brian had played this scenario out in their minds a thousand times over the past few days, yet neither of them could remember what they intended to say. They just stood there in petrified silence. The young man approached. Can I help you guys? Are you okay? Willie was absolutely tongue-tied. It took every ounce of courage he possessed not to run out of the market. Brian finally spoke. Is your father around, he asked. We are almost packed up, the younger man responded. He is resting in the front seat of the truck. I have to load the last few crates in the back, and I will take you over to him. I'll help, Willie blurted out way too loudly. He wanted to do something physical to dissipate a little of his angst. All three men loaded the truck and the job was quickly done and dusted. Now the younger man had a look of concern on his face. This was a rather bizarre episode for him and he wasn't quite sure how it would go down. The last time these white boys showed up it turned into a circus. He didn't want to go through that again. The rest of his countrymen who manned the surrounding stalls at the market were keenly observing this new development. They clearly didn't trust these two, and they weren't going anywhere until they had witnessed what was about to happen. Many of them had equally unpleasant recollections of the campaigns and of guys like these who had participated in them. The old man got out of the truck and rushed to Brian's side. He was only moderately more restrained this time. He was still jabbering excitedly in his own language so quickly that his son had trouble keeping up with him. My father is very happy you returned. He thought maybe you would not come back. Brian replied to him, We had to come back! We would like to talk to you and your father. My name is Brian, and this is Willie. We were both, you know, over there. The younger man regarded Willie. You too? he asked. Willie was practically vibrating out of his shoes, but he was able to modulate his voice enough not to yell the answer. Yes, he said, I was there. I was here for a while. That's why I'm here. After explaining this to his father, the younger man told him that his English name was Jackson and his father's name was Samuel. Willie gave Brian a sideways glance. This was not what he had expected, but it kind of made sense if they were trying to fit in. Then Jack asked them both why they had come back after the last mess they had made. Brian spoke again. He was talking through Jack, but his words and his eyes were directed at Samuel. I must apologize for my behavior the last time I was here. When I saw you, I recognized you immediately, and I almost pissed my pants. In that instance, I was right back there. Brian's voice began to tremble, and his ears were red. His eyes were welling up. It all came back. All of it. It was the worst day of my life. Trust me, that's saying something. I've had pretty shitty days in my life That's why I freaked out and pushed you away. You think I spared your life that day because I'm some kind of fucking hero but that is not the truth of it I looked in your eyes and I couldn't pull the trigger because I was afraid Before that day I had never killed anyone and I just couldn't do it to you When I saw you again I froze and then I ran just like before. I'm not here to take a victory lap and to be honored for my greatness. I'm here to humbly beg your forgiveness for what I did to your country. Brian lowered his eyes and awaited the end of Jack's translation. Brian was so focused on Samuel that he had not looked around at all, but Willie had. They were drawing a crowd, a large crowd, and nobody in it looked like Brian and Willie. They had formed an enclosure around the four men and everyone was listening intently to the exchange. A man about their age was standing off to one side and regarding them both intently. He spoke in an angry growl. Who do you think you are? What do you thing you are doing here? Why can't you just leave us alone to live our lives? This evoked a murmur from the crowd. Willie attempted a stammered response, but another man cut him off. You came to our country and you killed our families And burned down our houses We couldn't live there anymore So we moved here to start over Now you think you can just come over here And start it up all over again The crowd was murmuring louder And they were getting agitated Willie had a feeling this was a bad idea All along But just how bad had not occurred to him Until that moment It was getting ugly And he had no answers for this mob They had every right to tear the two of them to pieces with their bare hands. How could they have been so delusional as to think this was a good idea? Just at that moment, Samuel reached up with both hands and lifted Brian's head to look into his eyes. Then he leaned forward and touched his forehead to Brian's in a sign of respect. The crowd murmured louder, but with just a bit less agitation and a touch of surprise. Placing his right hand on Brian's shoulder and raising his left arm, He turned toward the crowd and began to speak to them in their own language. He went on for a bit, and everyone listened in silence as he spoke. A little girl came over and took Brian by the hand. A middle-aged woman walked up to Willie, beaming broadly, and gave him a warm hug. The crowd's anger dissipated, the show was over, and people began to disperse. Not in his wildest dream could Willie have predicted this outcome. He looked at Jack and asked him, What the heck did he say? Jack replied to both of them. My father told the crowd that, though the shooting had stopped, the war was not over for many of us because we carry it in our hearts and in our minds. It tortures us when we are awake and torments us in our dreams. You think these two men are our enemy, and they caused this to happen to us because they were on the other side of it. I knew them then. They were but children put in harm's way by the men who run their country. These men are not evil. They are victims of the war, same as us. They wrestle with their conscience and wake screaming and sweating in the night just like us. They didn't come here today to take a stand against us. They came to beg forgiveness from us. They want to put it behind them just as badly as we do. They cameto us not with a clenched fist but with an open hand. This was a remarkable act of courage on their part as they have been. Willie looked at Samuel and inquired, You don't even ask us why we're here or what we did? Samuel looked sympathetically toward Willie and replied through Jack, The details are not important. We did what we had to do to survive. We did things that we think we can't live with. We had things done to us that we feel like we can. We think we think that we can live with, but we still need to live regardless. us. We don't hate you for what happened any more than you hate us. What's done is done. He turned to Brian and said, two men meet on the battlefield. One believes he is the vanquished and the other believes he isthe vanquisher. Both men are deluded. Brian's eyes lit up. Hey, that's a quote from Gita, he noted proudly. Jack was surprised. You have read the Gita? he asked. No, but I've heard the story. I'm waiting for the movie. As usual, Brian broke the tension, seemingly without conscious effort. They all had a laugh, said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.