The Newcomers He Sponsors Now Walk in as Recovered Members – Peter

My name is Peter. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Good day to you. Gratefully alive and sober and part of the sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm grateful to be at this group to share my experience, strength, and hope. It's one of the pockets of enthusiasm around AlcoholicsAnonymous in New Jersey. And I've been attending this meeting on and off for a few years now and get to send lots of folks up here. so for me it's an honor to be at this podium and share with you guys my experience, strength and hope on what it was like living life on self-will what happened in the spiritual revolution and how I am today living in the sunlight of the spirit a loving God separated me from alcohol June 23rd 1988 and I'm a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous and by the grace of God God gives me 21 years sober today so I'm very happy about that I don't wait for phone calls on my A.A. birthday and say, let's see who remembers me, but there were many. What I've been doing this week, especially today, was calling folks and thanking them for all that they've done for me. and with some of those folks it went back to my first day of sobriety June 23rd, 1988 and one of them was my dad and I got to call my dad he knew I was calling and he answered the phone with congratulations and I get to have a talk with my dad and pretty much let him know on certain terms that if it wasn't for God gave him over and over again that he'd probably be visiting me at a cemetery somewhere. June 23, 1988, I was in serious, serious trouble. And God gave my dad courage, strength and direction, fortitude and humility to continue to meet me where I was. And whether it was asking me, don't get out and don't come back anymore or taking me back in and giving me money or denying me money or whatever it might have been, it was all part of the process of connecting the dots and raising the bottom and allowing me to get to a place of surrendering, completely surrendering without any reservations or a lurking notion on June 23rd 1988 and I got to talk to my dad about that and I get to call up my two younger brothers and thank them for all that they did when I was in the throes of addiction and alcohol was the number one priority in my life and I would go through anything over anything, under anything, whatever it took to get to the next drink because there was no power that was going to stop me until I got to God. And I knew nothing about God back then, and they work with me and work with мне and work WITH ME. And I call some other folks in Alcoholics Anonymous who have been great teachers to me over the last 21 years and thank them for what they've given me. And this I get moved to do really from a place of gratitude because I hold on to my chair awfully tight nowadays because I see what happens to people in Alcoholic Anonymous who come in here, sit down like us tonight have a cup of tea with us and then they leave and they don't come back and I see people relapsing over and over again and God gave me this miraculous gift called sobriety and then sobrieto get to a place called recovery I am more than grateful for this gift of sobriete and still seek this power called God with the desperation of a drowning man I know what the alternatives are God has made that abundantly clear to me at the seven treatment centers and landing in Alcoholics Anonymous in 1988. Now, June 23rd, 1988, trust me, I was not planning on being a recovered member of Alcoholics Anonymous from the year 2009. June 23nd, 1988. If I lived to be 100, I'll never be as old as that day. I would have signed up for a night of sleep and no drink for one day. I was physically beaten down to about 140, 150 pounds. I was bleeding from places you shouldn't be bleeding from. I hadn't eaten in I don't know how long. And I was living for the next drink, and I really prayed to die. My contact with any kind of God out there was, why don't I just die and get this whole thing over with and save everyone a whole lot of misery? I was not thinking about getting even to another treatment center yet. I was now thinking about walking into the sacred rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you haven't found out that they're sacred yet, I hope you stick around to find out that the rooms of alcoholics anonymous are sacred rooms, sacred ground that we get to meet on because we get to see lives get reborn and resurrected in Alcoholics Anonymous right here in this meeting, right here at my home group right here with many other groups who are talking about the solution from the big book AlcoholicsAnonymous I was not thinking about that June 23rd 1988 or getting to do some of the things I get to do just don't want to die and something gave me some sort of clarity that the next drink was going to kill me and I didn't want that first time. Still not thinking about coming to treatment or getting into alcohol, it's anonymous. If I could just put my head on a pillow and sleep tonight because I was one of those guys who would drink and go on these drunks and just roam the streets. I was homeless. So I just roamed the streets until the sun came up and started all over again and go to any lengths for the price of a drink. and God interrupted my death June 23, 1988 and I remember making a plea you know that deep down within while the book talks about conceding to our innermost self but we're smashed with truth and there's no way around it it shows up we don't have to search for that truth we don' t have to look for it we don´t have to research for that desperation it just seems to show up and in that place of complete desperation and degradation suddenly God appears when the intent is pure of wanting to seek some help. And not help like, well, if I could just get a drink in me and then I can figure out how to stay sober because I did that a long time. Let me have a drink and I'll figure out how to say sober. It was not about that. It was a complete surrender from deep down within. And in that moment I remember looking up and praying to this power called God. The only conception I had of God is the God that I was taught growing up. Really, I had no conception of God. It was this thing out there maybe. And I found out what a great thing that is for someone who's walking into Alcoholics Anonymous new. No conception of god. Because any conception that I show up to AlcoholicsAnonymous is probably wrong. Because it's coming from the alcoholic mind. The mind is the main problem for someone like me. So I got this alcoholic mind that's giving me ideas of how god should be, how he should talk, how it should be. it's a male, it's female, it looks this way it sounds this way, all wrong God is punishing, God is damning live by the law of karma all wrong so I got beaten to a place where the only conception I had of God was something out there that's supposed to help you when you're in trouble basically no conception the bottom I hit allowed me to be completely wide open like a vacuum with no real conception of God no idea about Alcoholics Anonymous anymore because I wasn't thinking about Alcoholic Anonymous had a few futile attempts in the mediums of AlcoholicsAnonymous I come here drunk or on my way home I would get drunk made wide open completely wide opened now that's not a pleasant feeling because June 23rd, 1988 I'm willing to lay off from here to Vegas there were very little at that moment manifestations of self getting in the way God stopped all of that interrupted my death and I begged him for help and the words I got was enough and I have other work for you to do not knowing what those words meant you know when God gives us information it isn't like I'm speaking to you now it's a movement it's rhythm we interpret the words that God is giving us and that's what I got and I had no idea what this meant I'm full blown alcoholic a step away from dying and God says enough I have another work for you do do. I don't know what this means. I just don't want to die. And that particular day, I made a phone call to my dad because the only person on the whole planet who was going to come get me in this condition was my dad. So I make a phone called actually made three or four collect phone calls to my daddy who I haven't seen in a while. And every time I would go to pick up the phone, I get these crying jacks. I can't hang up the phone, go to the next phone, shuffle along the street, pick up another phone, go to call and collect, hang up the phone, weeping and weeping and somewhere around a third or fourth phone call I had this truth delivered to me that if I was to get my dad and he did come down to see me and saw his oldest son in this condition, this would kill him I was given a seed of compassion and off I went my dad was in Atlantic City with his current wife and had a feeling that I was in trouble I've said this a million times on these podiums how God works through people but it isn't only people and Alcoholics Anonymous it's people every one of us are God's children and he uses us move here say this be still go there knew the only one as infinite wisdom that can come get me was my dad the only person the only someone I was going to trust at that moment and my dad listened to that intuitiveness that's how God works drives from Atlantic City starts going through the streets of Brooklyn there's a guy who used to drive around his car with a little photo of me pay off the winos and the junkies and say hey this is my son here's 20 bucks tell me where he is tell me what he's hiding makes his way up to Brooklyn starts roaming around and runs into me when he got out of the car his department shouted he was a man of compassion it's the first time I sensed that my dad and he walked across the street I said something like that I'm okay and then I collapsed in his arms my dad held me up patted me on the back and said I am not going to lose my son to this he just kept saying that over and over again I'm not goingto lose myson to this in the most sordid moment in both our lives God allowed my dad to stand with dignity and humility and courage to hold on to me most people were saying get out and don't come back hold on literally hold me up and then get me to another treatment facility. God connected the dots. God will connect the dots for us when we don't have the power to do it. What's my intent? There were no bargaining chips for me June 23rd, 1998. I was done and I knew it. When Bill talks about a bit of morass of self-pity, quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. I know what Bill's talking about. I know where that is and I can talk to you about it the way you can talk to your bottom about it but until you experience it words are always going to fall short and off I went to treatment so I thank my dad for that day how difficult that had to be you know your first born your oldest son is dying in front of you and it isn't something that we can rationalize like if it was cancer or AIDS or some other illness that someone, some other terminal illness, you can kind of put it into perspective somehow, some way. Addiction? Alcoholism? You're going to die over this? We know we die over that. The civilians don't get it. So it's been a day of really experience. I've been humbled by today. I've bee humbled this whole week. I shared a week or two ago that this is a really special time for me personally. I have a belly button birthday in July. I can't believe I'll be 50 in a few weeks. Lord have mercy. That's another meeting. My home group celebrated five years, a couple of weeks ago. The Vision for You group. I'm a member of the Vision for you group in Union, New Jersey. And God gives me another AA birthday. So it's a really neat little personal time of the year for me. Plus, it's summertime, and anyone close to me knows how much I love this time of year. It's been really a neat time for me, too, because I've been in the treatment center business for too long and got lots of gray hair over it and have experienced a few times on this path of sobriety the most difficult financial times you could imagine. At times, sitting with folks and looking to declare bankruptcy. I got married, bought a house, had the house with the white picket fence, the beautiful wife, looking to make children, had the new car, all my ducks in a row, my external world looked like something you would admire. It looked wonderful. Pete Marinelli hit it big time. He's working, he's got a great job, everything's got money flowing, everything's good, and it was all removed. My entire external world blew up. there went the house, there went the money, there were the cars, there was the marriage everything and I wasn't a guy who was living untreated, I wasn' t a guy who you would expect that to happen to I was someone who was living along spiritual lines even back then and so what do you do when that happens? chop wood, carry water turn back to this power I've argued with God, I've bargained with God try to rationalize with God not tell God hand God a script that I wrote I live happily ever after, look and a couple opportunities came down the pipe for me and God removed and I kept telling God no I like this opportunity, you can leave I'll work with this and God kept removing and removing I couldn't understand why up until recently chop wood carry water trying to make it trying to make it, trying to make it. I had a vision of heading up a treatment center, not a place that was going to warehouse people but a place that's going to help people get well and the universe dropped out my lap a few weeks ago and it's a huge opportunity for me to take everything I've learned here into my private life and help people get well and I'm just so excited to be a part of like-minded folks. For me on a personal note and it's just a dream come true. So just when I thought I was out, God pulled me back in. There's times on this path where I was thinking God's not listening to me anymore. Hey, I'm praying, I'M writing inventory, I'M meditating, I' m doing all the things, the spiritual disciplines, the strict spiritual disciplines in 10 and 11, but I don't think God's listening to Me anymore. No, God's always hearing me. Because when I meditate, God meditates with me and when I pray God meditate God prays with me and when i chop wood and carry water God does that with me and i plow the field and wait for God to do the growing God's always with me never separateness but always connectedness there is no duality and when thunderbolts hit my mind tries to deny the existence of something greater which is God but i went through that and at the end of the day hit my knees and turned back to God turned back turned back to God. And he knew what he was doing. There were tremendous, tremendous painful but tremendous lessons I've learned over the last several years. God made me right size and taught me how to live completely differently. Simple. Easy. Life. And worshipping this power whether I'm on my knees praying or sitting in meditation. Whether I'm out in the yard you know tending to the plants in the backyard, taking my dog for a walk spending time with my girlfriend washing my car, I go with God in all that I do whether I'm working or playing, it all looks the same for me, the word spirituality we can beat that word to death it's simply all love and no opposite carrying a vision of God's will into all my activities being very mindful being very present being very awake being very much in this moment, in this now with this breath not getting attached to what's going to happen an hour from now or two days from now or next week from now it's going to happen and worrying about is not going to add a single day to my life but what can I do right now today to make tomorrow that much better well I can live in the sunlight of the spirit and just seek this power and experience this power or I can listen to my thinking mind which is looking to wreck everything my mind tells me where I'm supposed to live, the house I'm supposed to live in, the car I'm supposed to drive, how much money I should make, who I'm supposed to be with, what meeting I'm supposed to attend. And when I get to those places and tell them no, no, no, we've got something better for you, this is not good enough, it's never satisfied. It's compulsive and obsessive. Always attached to external conditions. Always attached to external conditions. Never ever an internal remedy will I get from my thinking mind. This is the culprit. If anyone is new here tonight or someone just relapsing, your thinking mind is your greatest enemy right now. Anything it says, seek counsel on. You know what I just said? Because it has one goal, to take me back to that which is killing me. And before I get loaded, it's going to wreak havoc in my life. It'll get me attached to external conditions. It will get me attach to before us. It would get me attatched to later on. It won't deny the existence of something greater, which is God, it will continue to wreak havoc, inner turmoil dis-ease and dysfunction and inner security all the time. Fear based and insecure it has all the time to play with. It loves it. Yet when I experience this power called God by going through the 12 steps, I'm no longer feeling insecure, I am feeling in inner security. I'm still I'm present, I'M awake there's an abundance in that, a tremendous amount of abundance and you don't have to tell anyone about it because they can see it coming out of you, you ooze God it isn't until we get to our 11th step in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous that they talk about aligning our will with God where my thinking is cleared of wrong motives my thought life placed on a much higher plane, they got real clear let's keep this guy's mind way up here till we get to the 11th stop anything pride has is going to cause him a lot of damage by the time we move through 1-9 cleans us out of all the obstacles, the contempt the resentments, the sex inventory fear, all of it gets cleared out of the way we're left with what we were given at the very beginning purity now I think the 12 and 12, I could be wrong on this talks about how we'll never be pure as the driven snow now I'm going to challenge that because God created all of us. God created us pure as the driven snow, and when we get back to God, when we get right with God, that's exactly where we stand and I don't care about the wreckage of our past, because once we clean it up we stand present with God I was not thinking about God the first time I got drunk I was thinking about how can I get this dis-ease and discomfort I'm experiencing away from me I was driven by a hundred forms of fear self delusion, self pity you name it, I had it everything to do with self was running the show felt insecure and inadequate wherever I went fear based and insecure I watched the tough guys hang out in the schoolyard and I couldn't compete with them going through school there was always someone on the block someone in the crowd who was doing really great in school getting scholarships I couldn't compete with them try to be a musician I didn't want to be a musician couldn't complete with them wherever I went there I was I was just not good enough I was so insecure and fear based about who I was that if someone showed some affection to me I wanted to marry you I like you I'm merely in love with you let's get married I'm 14 if the guys on the corner said hey there's pete i did anything they wanted i'd be to go for them it was something give me some sense of self give me some sort of substance i was attached to external conditions from the beginning so one night when they're passing around cold 45 beer i put my hand in there for acceptance to be a part of this deal not knowing alcoholism was already ticking when we study our book our fourth step says we go back to our lives not back to our first drink right and I drank and I got rocketed and what alcohol did for many years was allow me to deal with my alcoholism alcohol worked all that fear and insecurity the inadequacy the resentments the contempt I had as a young guy was put to rest when I drank because I got very present it worked There was a panacea for my ills. It worked from the very first time I got drunk over in Brooklyn. Coal 45 beer rocketed me to a place out there that was indescribably wonderful. When Bill says in his story, he writes, I had arrived drinking coal 45 beer. That night I felt really good about me. I was not thinking about my mom who took her life about six months prior from this thing that we suffer from after experiencing incomprehensible demoralization over and over and over and over and over again when we get to that place where you know what I want to die I can't do it anymore and that's what she did I was not thinking about that pain I was not thinking about this guy called dad back then I was just so fearful of tough guy a street guy he'd walk in the room and I'd go that way that was all removed fear of police removed fear of talking to the girls removed fear of hanging out talk to the girls, hang out with the guys and be a part of life at last I was present to the moment I was not thinking about yet, later on and I wasn't focused in on what happened an hour ago I'm drinking, this is great greatest guys in the world, I have arrived my hero that summer went from Mickey Mantle to Keith Richards so that was not a good thing there are no serious consequences is even a first time getting drunk. I went home, got up the next morning, remembered everything, went down to the park on a Sunday morning, played basketball with all the guys. My shoulders, though, walking to the parking lot were about that wide. I had a little bit of a story. I had an idea. I had the solution. I can deal with the rest of the week now because I found something last night that's called beer. And when I drink beer, I know it's going to take me to that place. So I chased that for another 15 or so years. and after experiencing at the beginning some minor consequences of my drinking you know you came home late last night your room is not looking too good lately what's up with your little consequences folks are starting to see a little change in me it's the consequences like waking up in the morning and stealing from my family who felt safe in their home with jewelry and money and valuables lying around it's their home, why wouldn't I feel safe and so I started to take things that didn't belong to me and when I finally stole from my dad's checkbook, I would forge his name he came looking to me when he got all those cancelled checks back and he drove into Manhattan looking for me and he found me and I went off to my first treatment center when my dad found me his department shouted when he jumped out of the car that he was a man who was really, really angry I didn't find out until I was sober and alcoholics because when I went to make amends for a lot of the things I did to him, he told me he was hurt. He felt betrayed also that his oldest son would steal from the family That's what we do when we're in the throes of addiction. That's being powerless over alcohol. I don't get meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous that tell the newcomer, hey just think the drink through. Just don't drink. Put the plug in a jug and get to a meeting. It makes no sense because if I could have done that way back then, I would have. I saw at one point the pain I was delivering on my family and they didn't ask for it. I saw some of the bewilderment and despair in their eyes when I would do it again. Anyone with wholeness of mind would say, I love these people. I'm not going to hurt them. I'd lay down my life for them. I's not going hurt them except when it comes to alcoholism and addiction. It don't care. And it manifests through thought, word, and deed with me so I don't care. It isn't until we hit a brick wall and I land in a hallway, June 23rd, 1980, where they say, I don' t want this anymore. And it was really even a self-seeking motive. I don''t want to die. I was not thinking about amends for other people, but God gave me that much to get me to the next place. I don ''t wantto die. Why would my thinking mind allow me to have compassion for others? Powerless over alcohol. I can''t stop drinking. Step one never tells me, Hey Pete, you can''d drink It says, Pete Marinelli, you are drinking and you're not going to be able to stop it on your own power. Okay, no, I'm an alcoholic. Pour me a drink. I'm a alcoholic. Powerless over alcohol. No choice. Control and all thoughts in the thinking mind before you even pick up a drink." So how can I think this drink through? Do I really want to play that game of Russian roulette? And let's see what happens if I think the drink through, especially from a chronic relapse. Why would I do that? Well, if I'm an alcoholic with an alcoholic mind who's untreated, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Because looking at the big book and folks who are talking about the big books seems to be really drastic and revolutionary. That seems a little radical. Joe, how many treatments since you've been in? 25, but that's radical. Well, how's that working for you? I don't want to talk about it. See you next week. put the plug in the jug don't you think it's almost insulting when I hear people and alcoholics on this telling an alcoholic put the bug in a jug don't your think they have enough common sense to say right if I put the club in a job it stays closed so I won't drink so why is he sitting here because if they had the power to keep the plug in the job somebody else would be sitting there and they'd be bowling tonight they wouldn't be coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and worse relapsing and even worse dying it makes no sense so back then I was doing just that I was killing my family I wanted to stop and could not I had powerful desires not to drink like many of us had powerful desire I don't want to drink I don' t want to do this anymore only to pour another drink that's powerless over alcohol with my family, regardless of what was at stake the pain I was causing them reputation I was going to lose money and jobs and girlfriends it was all put in front of me Peter you're going to loose this and I would push it aside in a heartbeat because I'm powerless over alchohol I cannot stop that step one tells me I am drinking I got to experience that first hand when these things were presented to me. My family's fatherly emotional appeals seldom sufficed. First time I got arrested, sat down at the kitchen table with my dad, spent a night or two in the tombs. It was a horror show. I remember going in there looking at everyone that was squashed into one cell while the CO was beating someone up in the next cell. I was petrified. First time didnt get arrested. Petrified! Thought I was a big shot guy from Brooklyn. I was crying for mama. And I'm looking at guys lying on the cement, filthy floor in the tombs in Manhattan. Oh my God, these lowlifes, never me. By 3 o'clock in the morning, I was under the bench, on the floor with a hood up, sleeping on a concrete floor. They didn't care. And when I got out of jail, I did it again. But I remember sitting down with my dad and he was bewildered. What happened? How could you get arrested? What did you do? I was drunk driving and I got caught with possession couldn't understand it and I looked at my dad in the eye and said I will never do this again I swear to you I will not do this I will NEVER do this AGAIN it was a mistake it was that girl I was with it's all her fault she's been a bad influence on me you do it about us too come on he seemed like a nice guy on the first date get out of my dad's reach and at that moment I'm telling him I won't do this again and I meant it until I left his reach got outside and my mind said okay let's go figure out our life but first let's get a bottle of Mr. Boston Blackberry brand it's powerless over alcohol second, third, fourth, fifth treatment center losing jobs I was a longshoreman a job that you cannot lose impossible to lose My dad was the boss. He was the shop steward. There was no way on God's earth that I could lose this job. He told me, you're fired, don't come back. Nine weeks in my fifth treatment center. On the way into this fifth treatment center, I swore off liquor forever. I said, I'm never ever, ever, never, ever going to drink again. I am so done. And I'll do anything in treatment. So I spend nine weeks in a treatment center Two days later, I get discharged on a Saturday, Monday, I am loaded. as if I never stopped powerless over alcohol but I'll come to an AA meeting and someone will tell me after hearing all of this well kid here's a call call me when you want to drink I'm not calling you when I want to think I'm going to think about you when I'm drinking I'll call you when I need money to borrow money right put the plug in the jug I'm now putting the plug in the jig that doesn't work I will try it but my mind will say, okay, now take it out and drink. Powerless over alcohol. And that is really part of the unmanageability we experience also. For me, I've always found two components to this unmanangeability deal. It's the lifestyle and what we're doing. We're in a grip with the grapes. Not paying rent, unemployable, not taking care of our children, not meeting our civic duties, not meeting all family duties, all of it just goes to hell. But the other part of your unmanigeability is not knowing what that day is going to look like when it shows up in my mind and says we're drinking today or the strange mental blank spot. That is not a manageable life. The things I would do for the price of a drink, that's not a manageable life. Thinking I'm involved in my last drunk, that's delusion, that'snotamanageablelife. Because if I think I'minvolved in mylastdrunk, then I should have stopped it if I had the power to do it, right? But I don't, so I'm not involved in that. swearing off liquor forever with a solemn oath only to get drunk an hour later that's unmanageability Fred talks about it in the big book was the end of a perfect day not a cloud on the horizon we've had days like that where for some reason everything is clicking our life is going to hell but this one particular day everything seems to just be clicking even somehow make a few bucks I got drinking money and the mind takes us right back to where we were but before all this happened and the door blows up on us again what is the solution? I'm painted into a corner I'm backed into a quarter by this thing called alcoholism what is it? what is this solution? getting to a meeting of alcohol synonymous is a start but the information that floats around a lot of our contemporary AA meetings is that just getting to an alcohol meeting is enough and it is not enough speak to any relapse or real alcoholic Look, it is not enough. It's grace that's keeping me sober. And I find power in the unity of the fellowship, in the numbers of the fellows. There's some sort of safety that I experienced at the beginning. And those of us who just make meetings and do nothing else, I will lay odds from here to Vegas if you're real alcohol, you're experiencing page 52 and your ego has rebuilt itself so large that it won't give you permission to sit down with someone and say, I'm sober 15 or 20 years and I'm dying. I don't sleep at night. My behavior doesn't resemble anyone on a spiritual path. It contradicts the spiritual path, but I'm lying, I can't talk to anyone about this. But getting through a meeting is a start. But we know there's so much more to it. There's sponsorship, there's our big book. Now why is it when I walk into some meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is with a big book under my arm or big book under your arm or talk about our experience from the big book they don't want to hear it it's like you just brought in some sort of demon hey this is AA don't bring that big book and the 12 steps in here we have a nice comfortable sick meeting leave us alone but the remedy for alcoholism there's 12 simple steps spiritual laws and by the time we move to 10 and 11 strict spiritual disciplines in the discipline of that work there's a tremendous amount of freedom where self gets removed and I experience oneness and abundance with God and I'm not trying to be an impression of who I think I'm supposed to be anymore because self has died but rather an expression of what God is a spiritual being I heard it best having this human experience moving from moment to moment to moment getting clear getting clear that I am connected to every one of God's creatures every one of God creatures every one every meeting every civilian the birds that fly in my backyard the squirrels that do their deal in my back yard everything every one of God's creations I am connected to we are connected to get really clear on that and suddenly a new universe opens up a greater level of consciousness I'm exposed to I'm experiencing I'm not living with laws of the human condition anymore no longer living with laws of human consciousness but one with laws of God consciousness it's completely different There's a tremendous amount of freedom in that, even when the thunderbolt hits. Okay, back to Godfather, what do I do? Back to GodFather, what Do I do?" Very simple remedy. Chop wood, carry water. I don't need to fix anything sometimes either. Today's solutions usually turn out to be tomorrow's problems, right? So I just get still. And over the last 21 years, I've experienced incredible joys. See, I'm telling the truth. either that or I'm lying, I don't know. Incredible joys and incredible challenges. And never ever, ever did my mind say have a drink, celebrate the joys, wash the night away, this is too painful. Never the drink thoughts, the drink signals, the drink, drink nothing. That's God. That's grace. That's surrendering to this work and being made new from within. Our book talks about reborn, recreate. God takes the condition I was in, dismantles it through the work and what emerges is this person that he created at the beginning. Purity, deep down within. And when I screw up and I make mistakes it's because I fell asleep for a little while. I went to sleep. Spiritually went to bed. Went to sleep for a few minutes. and I'll get irritable, I'll be fearful, I'll feel angry. Then you write inventory and as you're writing inventory you say, well, what was this about? I have some amends to make and we're back. That's a big difference in living this path sound asleep. Part of my journey over the last 21 years is not only having for me the greatest teachers put in my path I could never have selected the teachers that God gave me on my best day. One after the other, they kept showing up. And some of those teachers passed my life for just a short time. Some of them I've had long relationships with in the form of sponsors and teachers and mentors and elder statesmen, spiritual mentors to me. And I've sought outside folks on the spiritual path and studied lots of literature outside of Alcoholics Anonymous along with, never instead of. But my greatest spiritual teachers have been members of Alcoholic Anonymous who hit a wall, get sober, and experience the glory of God. I remember going into my sick treatment center and I had swore off alcohol again. I got addicted to some other things by now and I was living for the next one. I was in serious trouble. And I get into this treatment center, and my family didn't know what to do with me anymore. They wanted me to go to treatment just to get me off the streets. And I spent a day and a half in this treatment centre and signed myself out. I had been given this little apartment that my dad got for me and furnished for me and bought a TV and all the things you would need, put a telephone in the wall, bought me some clothes and some work clothes, maybe take me back on the job again and I sold everything in that apartment and got bounced out of this apartment not paying rent and basically trashed the place because I lived like an alcoholic. Cleaning the apartment and bathing was the last thing on my mind. Drink was always the number one priority for me. So I get into the sick treatment center a day and a half I couldn't take being confined without a drink. The thought of thinking about not drinking forever frightened me to death so off I went. the thought of going to another detox fight me to death, so off I went through a series of circumstances on my way into my 7th treatment center I go to a place out in Long Island again I mean people thought I worked there on Sunrise Highway there was a sign my picture, stay away from him so I go back into this treatment center for the 7th time and I'm up there about 10 days in my mind the insidious insanity of the first drink was coming back I was thinking of ways I can get out of treatment and drink safely my alcoholic mind did not care about the wreckage I had just caused to me and to others and they sent me off to Minnesota but I just shared this the other night I had about a day and a half layover in Staten Island, New York at my dad's house before I got on a plane they sent me out to Minnesota for more treatment and when we drove up to that house I felt like this wind came through the car of alcoholism and what I thought of if I go in the house with my dad there is no way I'm going to get a drink there is nowhere I'm gonna be able to sneak out I'm goin' into lockdown as soon as I walk in that house he has not let me out of his sight I'm done and my mind's saying, get out get out of the car and just run Don't know where I'm going to run. Just run. You'll figure it out later. But you cannot walk in that house. You're done if you walk in. My dad got out in front of me. I was in the passenger seat. I got out and I followed him into the house. I was walking around the house and my dad was making some pasta. I'm vibrating. I can't even talk right because my mouth, I'm just shaking all over. I'm sick. I'm sweating. I'm underweight. and my dad asked me if I was hungry and I said, no, I can't eat. And then he asked me, he used to call, you know, when you start getting that thing where you want a drink when your session's on and my Dad called it the itch. And he looked at me and says, you got the itCH? Now in the past I would have covered up and said, No, I'm fine. Got everything under control while I'm plotting to get out. And what came out of my mouth was, Yeah, I am not feeling real good. And my dad took me out on the back porch in his house, and we sat down. Now, he's a civilian, but he did the best he could. Some comfort, some understanding, some compassion. And out of that, getting the dots connected, I got a thought of what they had told me in the treatment center right before I left. If you feel uncomfortable, call us. We know you're going home. You'll be leaving for Minnesota in a couple of days. Keep in contact with us. Something to that effect. She says, Dad, I'm going to call the hospital. And I got this woman counselor on the phone. I wish I remember her name, but I can't. And I called her and I told her exactly what I was experiencing. I don't know if that call was just a few minutes or a half hour, whatever it was, but it was enough to get air back in my lungs and settle in. And by the time I got to the airport, trust me, it was not an easy stretch. It was a tough time. But I got into the airport sober. And when I got on the plane, my dad and my kid brother were there escorting me on the plane. It was prior to 9-11, so families and friends could walk pretty far, walk you pretty far. And they did, right up to the gate where you get on the train. And I'm loaded with remorse and guilt and shame and embarrassment about what I have done and how am I going to get out from under this? My God, there's no way. You people, if you're sitting here tonight, it feels like there is no way I'm going to get out form under what I've done this time. You can. It's called God. as I'm going on the plane something moves me to turn back and look at my dad and my kid brother I'll never forget this, my dad he's a tough guy he don't cry he was fighting back tears I saw his face when someone's about to cry and they're breaking and my kids brother couldn't stop and he said something to me like please get better by the time I sat down in the seat on the airplane I begged God please get me well so I can fix them so I could make this right some way somehow I was starting compassion was starting to breathe again look at what I've done to people I adore I've leveled their life let me make it right God heard my prayers as he did June 23rd and always it did get me getting on the plane. My sincere my sincere attempt plea let me make this right. Let me get my life right. I'll do anything and God places me in the sacred rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Alcoholics Anonymous with all the stuff that goes on in here and all the business meetings where you want to strangle someone go home and pray for them I love Alcoholics synonymous, because it gave me a life and it gave me my family back and has brought dear friends into my life that I have no right having them in my life based on my track record but God saw other ways God saw another plan His plan, His law I spent about 10 months in Minnesota and I was brought home to my first home group, the Free Spirit Group now this is a group I would go to loaded And people in AA never said, hey, get out. I remember a few times in that drunken place, they would give me a phone number, keep coming back, it's okay, keep coming back, no, it is okay, it is okay to come back. Someone never said to me, you are drunk, do not come back, keep coming, they said the only mistake you can make is not coming back. We understand where you are. So I went back. I was taken there by a woman. She brought me to the free spirit group. And I saw a group about this big and they were laughing and having some fun before the meeting the fellowshipping that goes on and there was this one terror remember Louis De Palma in Taxi he was about to be my appointed teacher he walked into the room and it was a hurricane around he was just laughing and cutting up and busting and just having fun and he was talking that night but he got to the podium and he talked about God and what God had done for him what it was like, what happened and where it was now and how he was committed to this big book and the spiritual principles in the book and how He was living in all three sides of the triangle and it very much resembled the information I was getting out in Minnesota specifically a meeting called The Three Legacies Meeting He was speaking my language as new as I was My spirit was made open and willing to get that, you know, when the student's ready, the teacher appears. My job was to be the perfect student and have a beginner's mind throughout this whole journey, never an expert's mind. And I approached this man afterwards and he gave me some stuff to do before he sponsored me. I thought he'd say, yeah, I'm glad you're in my life. I'm your sponsor. He says, well, wait, you have to do something first. I need you to read the first 164 pages of this book. Can you read? I said, yeah, good. Go home and read. Take a week to do it. And while you're reading, look for a couple of words, word must and should. Underline them. Tell me how many you found and I'll tell you why they're telling you to do this. And when I got to the chapter working with us, as it says, we loaned him a copy of this book on his second visit. Having read the first portion of this volume, are they prepared to go through the 12 steps that he was giving me? He waited for spiritual consent. He didn't walk up to me and say, you're new, I'm your sponsor. I didn't ask. Waited for spiritual consent. The student was ready, here was the teacher, I asked he delivered it's the same practice I work with others now I completed that reading assignment and we began methodically going through the steps from the cover of the book to the preface, doctor's opinion the table of concepts, the circle and the triangle all the way through, little by little we move through the book and things started to happen for me, like that dis-ease and discomfort. I woke up one day to, I haven't been feeling uncomfortable or with any kind of dis- ease within me. In fact I'm feeling okay. There was evidence one time I was watching a ball game. I was living, sleeping on my brother's couch still. And I was watchign a ball game and I realized I just watched an entire basketball game without having to be on the phone, the radio on, smoking, doing 14 other things and watching the game, right? Because I can't be still. You know how we do that? write inventory, pray, meditate, talk on the phone, light up a cigarette and take care of our children. But I'm spiritual, I'm doing everything. It's that busy work, that nervousness that we always need to be doing something. I was able to watch this game still and be very present. It was evidenced in little things that God was now allowing me to do because I was one with God experiencing, beginning to experience oneness with God when my dad would ask me to go to church or ask me what to do something or hand me some money and I would bring it back and I was accountable and responsible that was God when I would go visit relatives they would now leave their purses where they had them at the beginning not when I walked in women who grabbed their purxes and sit like this right started to trust because my deportments were now shouting I'm one with God my actions speak louder than any words I could ever come up with I get to pray I get to meditate I get to worship the sacred silence I get to come from a place of silence in all that I do I get to work with my sponsor I get to work with the men I sponsor I get to I get to I get to. It's an opportunity for God to once again show His abundance. I get too. I getto come here and speak. I gettogetdelatedairportswithchrisallthetime, waitingforlayover, our flightscancel, what are we going to do? We get to do that because we know what the alternatives are. Get to. And when this talk is done, I'll get to go home. And I'llgettohavedinner, I'll close up my night with prayer, meditation, some inventory, and tomorrow, God wants me up, I'll get to experience another day. That family that was shattered by addiction, by alcoholism. First through the experiencing what we went through with my mom and then me picking up where she pretty much left off. My family was shattered. Well, this very same sick person who leveled everything has the spiritual experience and now spiritually fit we go back into our homes, occupations and affairs and live this life at first we're outside the bubble we're watching, outside the circle watching what's going on remembering I have to practice these principles I have call my sponsor and then we become part of that becomes part of our beingness and we get to do this no one has to remind us that's what took place in my family that family that was shattered has now been put back together little by slowly completing the circle another circle in our life completed most of us go through life with these broken circles these shattered circles of unresolved resentments with people we don't talk to them fears with people never resolved and what this work what God allows us to do is make right make amends live according to His will for us and little by surely the circles get put back together everything's made whole whether we see these persons these people in our lives or we don t it's made whole, it's resolved and suddenly I'm very present I'm not looking back I'm never worried about what's down the road very present here I am, mindful with the breath that God gives me and then I get to know I'm now only the breath but that which is behind the breath that gives me the breath I sponsor about 10 men a handful of these guys come to my home group I experienced something not too long ago at my home groups I never felt like a good sponsor I was always trying to do my best and I gotta hope they get it I really really hope they get I'm sitting in my home group I'm there at 6 o'clock on Thursday nights almost every Thursday working with someone an area I'm working with someone and about 4 of them walked in at once right after one after another. And I remember the condition that they showed up to the Vision for You group. How they sounded, how they were thinking, how they looked. And they walked in. Good standing members of Alcoholics Anonymous. They looked like they were recovered. They had respect for AlcoholicsAnonymous. They weren't coming to our meeting dressed like they weren't about to go commit a felony after the meeting. They gave the meeting its respect. and when they get to the podium they dress I looked at this and I said thank you God look at this miracle in front of me because just a few months ago these guys were in serious, serious trouble and I sat back with a spirit of gratitude thank you Father four people are going to take that into their homes their occupations and affairs some of them are going to have their sons back some of they're going to have a dad back some of the family members back with this that's alcoholic synonymous That's what we ought to be shouting from the rooftops in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous about the sacredness of AA and the power of God in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous. Why it's not done, I don't know. That's why this is about. Our founding members made no bones about what was going to keep us sober, who was going get us sober as God, and nothing less than that great fact. So we go shout it from the rooftop. God may speak to me or you in quiet, in my sacred time, my sacred space, in silence. Give me information, and then I can go shout it so the masses can hear it. I'm so grateful for my teachers that they did shout it so I could find them. Alcoholics Anonymous is my home. That's all I got. Peace. Thank you.