The Moment the Solution Became the Problem – Tom M.

I hope before this trip is over by the way he's taught me to make amends and in order for him to hear this he does owe me nine dollars from backgammon by me saying this maybe i'll get that nine dollars one of these days thanks i didn't think he was going to finish anybody want to rise and say the our father now it's about before we get started um i have a sponsor and i have one sponsor as it says in the big book to me we must be completely honest with someone we live long and happy in this life and i had have a sponsor and he gave me a couple of directions he said be sure and thank they make the amenities first thank the committee for inviting us down letting us come down and participate and I rather than tick off one or two names that I do know just thanks to the committee and allowing us to come down here because it's a privilege for me to be asked anywhere and and it's just a great honor for me too to do anything in alcoholics anonymous and then the second thing did I go to the bathroom it says here go to the bathroom before anyway not during yes that's funny hey I thought it was anyway Alice's kind of people don't scare me I always thought I was out there shopping and I find out now that in Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and all this sharing that's going on that that they were doing the shopping just as well as we. And that's kind of like, I guess that's why it turns into armed combat after you get married because nobody knows who won the battle. My name is Tom McMullen and I'm an alcoholic. And this fellowship has made it unnecessary for me to take a drink, smoke a funny cigarette, chew any of those funny pills since November 24th, 1975 and I am eternally grateful for that. My home group is the Men's Big Book Group in Omaha, Nebraska. It is the best group in the United States of America that I know of. If you don't feel that way about your group, you got the wrong group. You know, I told you my name is Tom McMullen and I've done that ever since I got in this fellowship. I didn't know any anonymity when I got here and before I got here. They used to call my names in some funny places. Jail houses in Munich, some in Krelsheim, Germany, one in Madrid, Spain, Minot, North Dakota, Dickinson, Bismarck, Houston, San Antonio in Austin Texas and sometimes when they said Tom McMullen I kind of looked around to see if there was another one in the room you know because I didn't want to go before that judge but but I was never anonymous out there while I was drinking and running and living my life as I saw fit and so I'm not anonymous here there's one a minute and one one more thank you I want to make a a special one for John and myself. Judy Hudson has opened up her private life to us and we really appreciate that. She's letting us, well, we walked into her apartment and she thought it was going to be a couple and she didn't know what kind of a couple it was gonna be. That'll teach her, won't it? And she says, I want you to know this is the first time I've ever done this, comma, sober. We're enjoying our stay. We really appreciate the hospitality. You know, just I've heard people at the podiums talk about when did they cross that magic line and jump over into full-blown alcoholism and became a real alcoholic and did all that practicing beforehand to become one and all that. And I don't have a lot of difficulty with that. I know about when I became an alcoholic, when I began to drink. When I became a really alcoholic. Because it wasn't very long after that that I took a drink. And that's about the way it was. I was before I ever took a drink. I just know that. There's no pretense in my mind that I grew into this damn thing. There's not pretense in my mine that prior to drinking, during drinking and after drinking, I was the same Tom McMullin as I am today. And the only difference is I'm not acting on as many of those things today as I did prior to drinking and then drinking and so forth. But to give you a real short synopsis of why I belong here, and we're going to get out of here. We're not going to hang around here for a long period of time for those of you who are anxious to get on your Tinkerbell shoes or Peter Pan bells, or whatever they are. I am an alcoholic. I am the grandson of an alcoholic, and I am the son of an alcoholic. Married to an alcoholic at one time, not married now. Marry to two alcoholics matter. Both my marriages were to alcoholics. The father of an alcoholic, the father-in-law of an alcoholic. I probably qualify for Al-Anon. My sponsor tells me that I can go to AA and handle it. But I know this. I know that I belong here, drinking notwithstanding. Because you see, when I got here, it was about August of 1975. It was the first time I was introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. A lot of things happened to me, and they're not important. They're just the different places and things. But in August of 1975, my then-employer and my then wife got on my case about their problem. They said their problem was my drinking. And I knew that their problem was their problem because drinking was not my problem. Drinking, you see, was my solution. And they were talking about their problem, certainly not mine. But in order to appease them, since they were going to do away with the job and the family in august of 1975 right after a debacle i mean just i have a nephew that got married july 5th in napoleon north dakota it means nothing to anybody here except that lawrence welk was born there and there's one one little snicker in the back somebody remembers lawrence well the bubbles and the one and the two anyway he got married we moved we drove up there from omaha Nebraska. And as I was wont to do in my devil-may-care days on that July 5th, I thought it was a good idea to steal the bride. It just seemed like the thing to do. And we raced down back alleys and over lawns and through shopping centers. And the sheriff took a dim view of this in Napoleon, North Dakota, and arrested me. And because of that, you know, there was a lot of conversation going on. I'm sure I had a big part in that conversation, but most of it from the other people was, shut up, Tom. We'll see what we can do. Because my, you know, I don't know how many of you have heard of this, but I have, I doesn't even know who told it to me, but I know that a non-alcoholic sees a policeman and kind of walks away. An alcoholic goes, stands in front of him and says, see me? I'm right here, you jerk. Why don't you, you know. And that's the way I was. You know, I got picked up at age 19 for being abroad at a late and unusual hour. Well, he couldn't arrest me for driving because I was in a lawn chair. But he had the audacity, this policeman, to come up and say to me, where's your driver's license? And I'm in a long chair. Now that's a dumb thing for any policeman to ask anybody. And I simply looked at that dumb policeman and said, you mean to tell me officer in Minot, North Dakota, you need a driver's license for one of these things you know big mouth in you know insert foot that turned into a abroad at a late and unusual hour and I was alone about three o'clock but that was my that was the way I did things that was what I did thanks I compounded things you no I just I couldn't let him lay but anyway part of the family told this deputy sheriff or sheriff or whatever he was that Tom was here on a visit and the wedding was going on, would they release him to their custody? And he would appear at about 11 o'clock the next morning, which was Sunday, right after the family breakfast. On farm homes, I don't know if any of you come from farm homes, but after weddings, the bride's family puts on a breakfast for the people who are going to be traveling some distance. And so that was the way it was to be. After the breakfast that morning and the bride and groom had gotten away, I was to appear before the judge and get my sentence and get my just rewards. And the wedding went off fine, and everything went off fine, but my being there did not. About four o'clock in the morning the decision was made with booze in my hand that we ought to pack up the car with four children and slink out of town. And I did that and the family was embarrassed. I don't know if anyone paid the fine. I really don't knows. I do not know if anybody ever did. The wedding was a grand success and my being there was not. And that's usually the way it went when I was there, whether it was my wedding or somebody else's. So this is early July and by August the employer and the wife had put the pegs together and they had them all notched down and what I'd done and all those things. And they approached me and they said you're going to do something about your drinking. It's a problem. And again my thoughts were it's their problem not mine because it's my solution but that's all right they want a drunk by god they'll get a drunk they want an alcoholic that's what they want to have they'll have an alcoholic however i'm living in omaha nebraska and there's no sense in telling everybody in omah that i'm a drunk there's a little town named lincoln nebranska about 40 miles away and i say little town 150 000 i'll go down there to an aa meeting something i would like you to remember if if you would like to have this. It has served me well. I went to that meeting down in Lincoln, not knowing what to expect. Really what I was hoping for, because in 1975, I'm 40 years old. I know that there's a problem with my drinking. I drink like John Wayne. You get on the horse and you take off the top and you throw the top away because it's going to go. There's no reason to have a top. And I didn't want to drink like that. In August of 1975, I admitted to them that there was something wrong with my drinking, but certainly not like they were proposing it to be. There was only a problem as far as I was concerned. I got drunk too often. All I wanted to do was... What I needed at that time, what I thought I could get, was an adjustment in my drinking pattern. That's what I was looking for. That's why I thought you people were going to give me. And so I came to you under false pretenses. So if you're here under false pretences, that's all right. But secondly, remember to greet people if you haven't seen them before. Because I went to that first day of the meeting and I don't remember anybody saying hi to me, offering me a cup of coffee, a chair, or anything else. Now maybe they did. I'm not going to put that group down for not doing it because they may have done it. I simply don't Remember anybody being friendly. I don' t remember anybody Saying hello. I don''t remember anybody Doing really anything for Tom at that point in time. And I may have been Expecting too much. But our group, our men's big book group, we have about 50 now. And we started three years ago. And tomorrow night they'll be In the front of the big book. it's the way it is in January and when somebody comes into the room they go all the way around the room and introduce themselves and you know you don't want to be the last one in that group because you've got to go allthe way around and introduce yourself and that's just the way it is in our group new people just don't get away with it if they come in and sit down somebody's going to come around and say hi to them anyway and I would leave that with you if anything else I remember them talking Joe and his wife talking about the Al-Anon no one asked her to come to the meeting until that lovely lady did and we've got to make those people welcome they're afraid if you're there like i was they're afraid but anyway i went to that one meeting and i found out a little bit about what happened in alcoholics anonymous and this was wonderful they talked about not drinking once in a while and they had a little guy sitting on a bar stool telling me about all his dwis well hell i'd only had uh one or two here in this country and uh and so they you know i didn't even qualify and in fact uh if you want to know if i'm an alcoholic or not my last dwi I was in 1973 or so. The dates don't make any difference. But my defense, those executive types with the pinstripe suits, I got three of them. And we went before the judge and we said, Your Honor, there has been a mistake here somewhere. That policeman is mistaken. He may not be lying, but he's certainly mistaken. How? Because Tom McMullen was not drunk that night. We have seen him much drunker. and that was the three of them, and then I got up and said, Your Honor, I have been so drunk I couldn't stand. That, I wasn't, I know drunk. That wasn't drunk. I think they wanted to throw away the key. The judge didn't buy that story. Can you believe that? What a defense. Don't use that one. So anyway, in August, I decided they wanted a drunken night. I'll tell you what happened. I used Alcoholics Anonymous and I got exactly what I deserved. For you see, I was running around on my wife at that time it's not something I'm proud of I'm simply telling you facts I was not getting any love at home because I'd alienated all love at home four children and one wife and and I'd alientated that affection not they're doing it all mine and there was no love at home for me so I had to seek it and I didn't seek it in church basements and I didn't see it in libraries and I didn' t seek it wherever you go to bars and I don't why didn't we run into each other Alice we've been married two or three times I know we just slopped in and out. But that's the way it was. I was out there running and going, and what I'd been using was business, and business is a little tough to use to get out of the house on weekends because they can buy that story working a little bit on Saturday morning. But Sunday morning work? Well, I took up tennis just a couple years before that, and that got to be kind of fun, except when you go to a tennis match Thursday night and don't show up until Saturday afternoon, they kind of wonder where you've been. And I'd say things like, well, I was winning, you know. And they'd say, well, we didn't see your name in the paper and we didn'T see it in the newsreels or on the radio TV or anything. Well, it wasn't a big tournament. It's kind of a small tournament, but I kept winning, you know, and that's the reason I was gone for two days. And so now I had another out. I found out that you could, I could say, I'm going to an AA meeting and she'd say wonderful. And then I'd go out and I'd visit these bars and this was my near beer trip. So if you want to try near beer, here's my experience. August 1975, I was married. I was the youngest district sales manager this company had. I was responsible for 42 people working. I was healthy. I played about 172, 175 pounds. Four children that I thought loved me. Had a home that it was virtually getting paid for, two cars in the garage and the cars inthe bank and the rest of it, all that. And my life was going along pretty well. August 1975, and I went drinking near beer and doing all the things that I'd done before. I didn't realize I was miserable because I don't remember being miserable. I was really getting to do all the things I've done. I'm going to an AA meeting, you know, and they sit and talk till 2 or 3 in the morning, you know, having coffee and those things, and I knew that. And so I used you and I got exactly what I deserved. I walked into to the bar, Three J's Bar, 46th and Farnham, October, mid-October sometime. And the date's not important again, but mid-october 1975. And I said, hi, Brud. And Brud said, oh my God. And he said, well, what's the matter, Brut? And he said, Well, a Kingsbury man hasn't been here yet this morning. It was a Monday. And the Kingsbury would normally get there relatively early after a weekend. And I didn't get there until about 1030 or 1100 myself. See, we have sales meetings on Monday, so it slows down your drinking on Monday. Normally I would be there about 9, but I had about 10, 30, or 11, and I trooped in there, and Brad, like he said, the Kingsbury man hadn't been there, and they didn't have any near beer left. And I said, what difference does it make? Give me a Schlitz. November 24th, 1975. 138 pounds. A wife leaving me, four children not talking to me, an employer firing me, a doctor refusing to see me and a lawyer says he didn't want to handle my cases anymore and a judge that wanted to handle it one last time and the option was you didn't give that to try you better give alcoholics synonymous to try and thank God I did page 153 of the big book it says it may seem incredible if these men are to become happy respected and useful once more how can they rise out of such misery bad repute and hopelessness the practical answer is that since these things have happened among us they can happen with you should you wish them above all else and be willing to make use of our experience we're sure they will come the age of miracles is still with us our own recovery proves that november 24th 1975 Within 52 days, I was fired. Within three months, I'm in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Fifty-two days later, I am fired. Within three weeks, I've been fired. Within three days, within three months I'm served divorce papers, and within six months I am divorced. My children are not talking to me, and things are going to get better. And I go to my sponsor, Dick Martin, and I like to give him credit because he'll want to know about the 4,322 people that are registered at this thing. Send that tape to him. But I went to him and I said, Dick, I have a little problem here. My employer's fired me. He said, don't drink and go to a meeting. What the hell's the matter with that guy? Dick, you don't understand. I just said I got fired. I don't have any money. I've got to pay rent, support, you know, whatever. He said don't go to an meeting. I said what the hell does not drinking and going to a meet-up have to do with finances, with money, bankruptcy? I don't know, but don't drink and go to a meeting. And so then, you know, another 60 days or so, the divorce papers get served by a sheriff, and I call Dick, I'm divorced, and she's getting rid of me, and that's it, and I'm leaving, I've gone running, and I am going to hustle like I always did. What are you going to go hustle? Well, I am gonna go to Texas or Arizona, someplace warm, certainly not North Dakota, where I was born. I am gong to go someplace where it is warm and hustle something. I will play a little pool, a little shuffleboard and hustle some skirt that likes to get married four or five, six times or something. i mean that's my that's my philosophy i'll go she'll cook some meals for me and we'll do some things or whatever and he said why should not drink and go to a meeting i said dick you don't understand i've just gotten divorced this what this woman is leaving me it's got an awful lot to do with sex now what the hell does go to a meeting and not drink have to do sex he said i don't know but once you not drink go to a meeting i said no i can't handle that i'm going to leave he said where are you going to go how many times have you gone before work. And aren't you always there when you get there? Aren't you always there, when you get there?" He said, why don't you get well for you? Why don't you forget all the rest of those people? I don't know how he got it across. I don' t know if that's his exact words. I don't know how we got that across. But why don' t you do this for you and why don t you get better? Why don't forget about the rest of the world? Why don't you forget about changing all them? Thank God that sponsors talk like that. They must go to school. Thank God for sponsors. Those people that don't have sponsors, I don't know how you make it. Honestly, God don't. It's your business, but I don' t know how you do it. I don''t think well for myself today. So Dick recommended that I go to 90 meetings in 90 days. When I got through with that, I said, Well, I still kind of feel the same way. I'm still divorced, and although I've gotten a job, I'm not very happy with those people that fired me. He said, Tom, for tough cases like you, we don't recommend just 90 meetings in 90 Days. That was to get you started. we recommend for people like you that you go to another 90 days 90 meetings so i did that i really thought for some people there's got to be people out here just snickering remembering an arrogant egotistical at least the people in omaha an arrogant ego statistical sob like tom mcmullen come walking through the bars and and through the 12-step calls and taking the message to them well all of that activity was very good for me i certainly was not carrying any message because i didn't have a message i don't know anything about the steps i didn'y know anything about the big book at that time well i'd read it weren't you supposed to read it and i read it and i put it aside i mean it's i mean what the hell i read shining i mean i read kujo some of robert ludlam's books you just read them and put them aside for another seven or eight years until you forget the plot and then you pick them back up again So I'd done all those things, and I thought I was carrying a message. I honestly thought I did. I thought it was God's gift to Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought that I was bringing everything into this program that you people needed. Oh, boy. Thank God, however, that you were at the meetings that I brought these people to because, you see, all I really did was bring the people to the message. And that, for me, was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me because, in spite of myself, I just kept coming back. I really still, during that first year, was hoping that you people could change my drink. I didn't belong here, you know. I just needed a change in my drinking pattern, see? I needed an adjustment in my drink pattern, and that's what you people were going to give me. But I could see the people I was picking up out of the mission and down at Douglas County who'd been through there 42 times and some of the other people I Was picking up with scars and Richard Young seeing snakes. Boy, they needed Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was going to get them there, but I was gonna be gone after a year because after dick told me about that second 90 days and 90 meetings i decided i was going to do one year if i got it one year i was gonna do it and then i'd know everything because the year's not long i could do a year and so i hung around for a year and i went to more than one meeting day many days because i didn't have any family my family was not talking to me and they talked to me on occasion i'd call up and i you know how we are I'm going to direct that child's life if it kills them. You know, I don't care. I have visitation rights, don't you see? And that's the way that is. And I'd call up and say, we're going to a movie Saturday afternoon at 2. Have those kids ready. She said, they're out of town for the weekend. We ain't out of time. It's my weekend, you know. And I ran it and raved. And Dick Martin, my sponsor, said, why don't you let those children go? If they want to come back to you, they will. I had to let him go. I didn't like it, but I had let him go. And I had written notes and said, I'd like to see you sometime. I called him on the phone whenever I could and said gee, I'm free Thursday afternoons if you ever get a Thursday afternoon let me know or I'm free Sunday mornings or whenever if you're ever free. Some of those calls paid some dividends. Kevin the oldest I'm sure was the spy. I think he came and visited with dad went back and kind of reported well he's not doing too bad you know he's not drinking he's still doing a lot of krausen and a lot of those kind of things but he's but he is not drinking and he seems a little more milder or whatever anyway to to cut it down short sobriety to me is is a lot of things but it sure is the age of miracles sure is age of miracles see my name is uh tom mcmullen and my father's name is james mcmullan and um i don't remember my father well i do remember him kindly I was the youngest of three boys, and I remember my father very well. I was mad at my mother for having thrown him out, even though he was a full-blown alcoholic. My father was a learned man and progressed downward until he was in a logging camp in Klamath Falls, Oregon, and he died as a cook before this program really— while this program was really in its infancy, before I'm sure it had spread to Oregon. In the early 40s. It might have spread there, but certainly not for my father. He was a practicing alcoholic and his name was James. That's the way that was. Here's the story of miracles, if you want to hear about miracles and Alcoholics Anonymous and what it does for you. To me, anyway. The baby girl was 12 at the time. She's now 20. She went to work not too long ago as a direct result of this gentleman sitting here I left pamphlets of Alcoholics Anonymous around. I left my big book laying around for this youngster to read. I did a lot of things, and she rebelled, and she is still living at home at 20, but some things are happening. John Schulte bought her a big book. I walked into her bedroom unannounced one evening, and she was reading it. We are not as close as I'd like to be, but we're conversing and that's sure a lot better than eight years ago the youngest son Terry the youngest son Terry was about 15 maybe 16 at the time Lee was having a little trouble with me either coming back to the house or not coming back to house and he made the statement to her his tender age along with Kevin Terry said Lee if he comes by her mother. If he comes back, I'm leaving. He's not an alcoholic. He is an incorrigible son of a bitch." Well, it was just this Christmas, and I could tell you many instances about this, but it was this Christmas. He lives in Wichita, Kansas now. He was single, 22, 23 or 23, I guess. And I got a note to my business office, a Christmas card, not to Mr. and Mrs., or not to Mom and Dad, or anything like that. I got a note, Tom McMullin. I open it up, and it's a card from Terry. The card was funny, but the little note inside was looking forward to seeing you at Christmas. I love you, Terry. The eldest daughter, Colleen, 22 now. august 13th she got married my ex-wife lee said to me that daughter is going to use every penny you have for that wedding she's going to just butcher your bank book and somewhere along the line and talking to dick martin he reminded me that i came into this with nothing and i don't mean the fellowship of alcoholic synonymous i mean i came in to this world with nothing And then I got something, and I also came into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous with nothing. What the hell am I going to take out of here? Things? And my only response to my ex-wife was, well, it's my daughter. And if I'm capable of doing it, I want to do it. So if she asks for it, I may do it or I may not. I don't know how many, there are certainly some of you that have been able to walk daughters down the aisle, but there are some young people in here who have not. if you're not making amends with your family i would sure recommend it i don't know of any i there just isn't anything finer for a man and his daughter than to give that daughter away in marriage you know that's funny the son-in-law makes a big joke of it about three years ago this guy and i and his steve wilson his his other sponsor until steve moved out of town and now john is Dick's sponsor, my son-in-law's sponsor. How do you like that for irony? The three of us went to Judge Joe Troia for this young man, Dick Kastrup, and said, would you parole him to us? He's an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous the last two months, and he looks like he's going to be on his way, even though he was on a DWI when he got another DWI. We just were speaking up for him. And the judge said no, he had to send him to treatment. He had the interest in Alcoholics anonymous and he would he would certainly keep the the rest of the sentence he would forego if the kid would agree to go to treatment. And so Dick said he owed me so he took one of my daughters off my hand right? He owed me all right. So I went to Joe Troy who I played tennis with the judge and I said Joe you may not believe this. And I said you remember two years ago when I was standing before you with Dick Caspi? He said I don't remember the kid I remember you being there Tom. Of course I play tennis with him every Thursday. I don' t remember the kid, but I remember you. Why? I said he married my daughter. He said, oh. He'd looked at Dick's record when he passed judgment. He wasn't sure that he should have let him off of that light of sentence. And the oldest boy. Remember my name is Tom McMullin. My father's name was James. They got married three years ago and two years ago, September 3rd, they had a son. boy they named that child Thomas James and they named that child after a father a drunk just a drunk recovering in alcoholics now is because of you fine people and he named him after a grandfather who died without getting this program and it is my responsibility and my duty and I owe alcoholics and honors for every bit of that and my meetings have not decreased sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to scare people off when I talk about the number of meetings I go to after 8 and a half years of sobriety or 8 years and some months of sobrietty and so I say well I go 3, 4, 5 meetings a week and then I hear John in a meeting he says I go 6 or 7 I say if that little SOB goes to 6 or 9 or 7 I see him at every one of them let me see and I started ticking it off. And there's Sunday night and there's Tuesday morning and Tuesday night and there is Friday morning and there are Saturday night and that's always six. And then I'm always picking up a Fred Murphy out of the hospital and taking him to a Wednesday meeting or going over and dropping in and seeing Lauren on Thursday night. So I guess I go to six or seven meetings a week and I guess I should quit apologizing for it and tell them the damn truth. The truth is I need this program on a daily basis. Isn't that what it says? We have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of a spiritual condition. That's what it says. So it says to me, and it says to me that I must stay in daily contact with this program, and that's what I do. I'm just a real alcoholic. I'm not a drunk, and I haven't had a drink in some period of time, the longest period of my life, and I'm extremely happy for that. You may or may not be impressed with it. It's not important to me whether you are or not. It is fact. it is in fact and it's important for the new people who are here to know that you can one day at a time stay sober as Dr. Bob liked to say for good and all last I'd just like to tell you about alcoholism as Tom McMullen understands alcoholism and you've heard all kinds of definitions I'm sure but I know what alcoholism was to me I heard a little bit of it in Alice's story and I appreciated that story she was talking about the lonelies I talk about despair because alcoholism to me was despair do you know do you remember have you ever had this happen is it happening now where everything in your life is really going sour or it's just not going the way it's supposed to be going where it could be directed better if God would just listen a little better do you feel do you have that feeling where nothing's going right and you know let me get back to me i knew that all those things were going wrong and i was causing them they were all going wrong when i was causing it was not humanly possible i am not trying to tell you that that was humanly impossible all i'm trying to tell you is that i believed it therefore it was therefore it was and that's despair to me and i don't have that anymore I don't know that I'm always part of the solution but most of the time I am not the problem most of the time I am NOT the problem my God has been very good to me my God loves me and you if you've ever been in that despair stick around here one day at a time and let my God or your God or our God do for you the age of miracles. Hey, thanks for inviting us down.