The Mental Reservation That He Wasn’t a Bad Fella – 1969 – Eddie C.

To our speaker this morning, I haven't had too much occasion to talk with him, Jeannie, my wife, and I got him started for about 20 minutes last night, but the Sahara Club cut him off a little bit short. I do know a few things about him. I know he's a salesman. He says he no longer tries to sell himself, but he does whether he knows it or not. he's also married he has three children to speak of I understand that he's made one or two twelve step calls and he's been on the platform two or three times at least we don't have an awful lot of time this morning you know this is my fourth round up But for the last three years, I've wanted to be up here. And now that I'm up here, I want to be out there. But I would like to give you this morning a man that impressed me a good deal in talking with him for just about 20 minutes. One of our contemporary philosophers in the book The Prophet says, For the greater that sorrow has carved into your being, the more joy you can contain. I don't know a thing about Eddie's sorrow, but judging from his joy, I'm sure we're going to enjoy his talk this morning. I'll give you, from Burbank, California, Eddie Seaton. If you can all give me about 30 seconds, my butterflies are having babies. Your mothers understand, I know. It's a real privilege to be here. You know, I've never really had a chance to spend any time in this tremendous state of yours, Texas. And I know that you have a large state geographically, and I know you have the largest state as far as cattle go. I know we have a lot of animals around here. Some of your rabbits, I understand, are as big as polo ponies. But the thing that I have found, and I sincerely say this from the very moment I have gotten here until I leave, the biggest thing that you can do is the heart you have within your chest. I think you're wonderful people, really are. And I'm sure that everyone in this room who come in here this morning from other states feels the same as I. You're tremendous people, and thanks for having us down here from wherever we came from. I come from a little place out there in Southern California that you can see if you get there the right time of the year. We have everything but air. But I'm here this mornin' not in the capacity of being an educator because I am going to school by being here in myself. I am not here because I'm philosophically sound or am I metaphysical. I'm only here because of the fact, by the grace of God and someone who raised their hand once saying that I'm an alcoholic, I too have raised my hand and I'm here only on that basis. If I don't do a thing for anyone in this room this morning, I want you to bear with me because it isn't what I do for you that counts. I'd like to say that if I don'T do anything for you, please DON'T stop what you're doing for me because this is a pretty fabulous program, Alcoholics Anonymous. My story may vary a little from some of you people here in the audience, but I soon learned when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous that it isn't what I took or where I took it that matters. This does not separate me from you. It probably is why I took you, that I am here. And this is the only reason. So if I say anything this morning that may sound a little ridiculous, if you look up here this morning and think that maybe I'm an idiot, remember I have the time this morning to remember that I was nuttier at one time than I am now. And there's one nice thing about being a member of the fellowship. I no longer am concerned with what type of neuroses I have. I'm only concerned with the fact that I've learned to enjoy them. I'm a nutty guy who enjoys being this way. I wouldn't want to be any other way. I'm the kind of a fellow now that has the opportunity from time to time to talk about himself, and you can't think of anything in the world except Alcoholics Anonymous where you can go a thousand miles and talk about yourself. Isn't that wonderful? I sit on bar stools and buy people beer and try to tell them what a wonderful guy I was and they'd all sit there just like me but again this is not the purpose this is one place where I know that if I don't have anything profound to say to you this morning or anything like this I know that in each and every one of your hearts that if you be alcoholic like me that you hope that what I say this morning that I believe myself so that I too can enjoy this tremendous fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous to where that your concern may be primarily is within your own sobriety, but I know that you hope that when I go back to California that I can enjoy and remain in this wonderful fellowship with AlcoholicsAnonymous. I'm the kind of a guy that looks at himself now for one purpose. I do it for a very selfish reason because I have learned that regardless of all the things I have taken synthetically and chemically to make myself a wonderful person, I have discovered something in Alcoholics Анonymous that I didn't even know existed before and I find it every time that I associate with the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that is gratitude. I think it's a tremendous thing. It's the most tremendous thing in the world. And if you don't think I'm grateful this morning, you're out of your mind. I'm absolutely happy. I've only been in Texas two days, and look at me, I'm one of you. I got the gimmick, you know, right away from these people like Alan, God bless him, and all the people who have gone to so much trouble. I know you have shown your gratitude by presenting Hugh and Chuck and the other two fellows and myself with the hats here this morning, but I think that the gimmick is that I am grateful if I wear it, especially on Hollywood Boulevard. But again, I get the opportunity this morning to look at myself again for that very selfish reason because by comparing my life and getting the opportunity to talk about it, I can become aware of the fact that regardless today, whether I am what I would like to be, and I think Alcoholics Anonymous gives me that privilege of never being self-satisfied with what I am, that I can be better than I am. But it also brings up that tremendous emotion, gratitude for what I have done, what I know what I'm not anymore, the things that I have gone through. Now, I'm no longer the kind of fellow who runs around beating himself on the back by the very reason of all the things that I've done in the past, because I find out now that being an alcoholic is a privilege. You see, I'm an alcoholic. I'm privileged because I am an alcoholic I heard a man at a meeting one time and remembered that anything I say from this podium this morning other than I've learned since I met you Believe me, this is the truth I heard of a man one time in North Hollywood a very fabulous guy and there are many fabulous people in Alcoholics Anonymous and this particular man said something at this meeting one day that gave me a spark that removed this particular potato sack that a lot of people carry around in their bags. I'm an alcoholic, look what happened to me, you know? I don't feel that way anymore because I find out now that there's one thing that I need and I need desperately to be able to survive on this planet and that's good attitudes. Prior to meeting you, I drank attitudes. I swallowed them from drugstores. I even got some from across the border. You roll it up in a little cigarette called marijuana. But there was always something And this man from this podium one night says that, I honestly believe that alcoholics, either knowingly or unknowingly, are probably the most spiritual people in the world. And he says because of the simple reason. He says they spend all their time prior to Alcoholics Anonymous and after AlcoholicsAnonymous with only one concern of the inner man. How do I feel? I did all my life. As a matter of fact, when I used to stand before judges, you know, they asked such silly questions like, there you are. You know, they got your coupling and there you stand, you know, before the judge like this. And he asks that stupid question, he says, why do you drink? You know why I drank. I drank because I wanted a good attitude. You see, I have discovered, and since I've been around you, I know a couple of three or four words that are over one syllable. This is, again, very amazing because when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, the only thing I knew was some, like this cookie on this one particular program on TV. This is the way I talk all the time. This is how I look. I'll kind of describe how I look when I walk into my first meeting. As a matter of fact, I had hair that came out to about here and went back through the back in what is commonly known as a duck's butt hairdo. Yeah. And there isn't a woman in the audience this morning that has got as much hair as I used to have. I used TO wear pants that came up to here. Coats that hung down below my knees Literally, this is God's truth Knees in my pants like this Puffs like this And I was what is known as the hip cat Looking for happiness And I think The reason I got that way Was because for some reason And again, I've learned this from you It's not mine Nothing that I say is original, obviously But I have learned that there's one thing that I desire, and this is a feeling of confidence, a feelingof good fellowship, a feeling off a good attitude, a feelingoff some kind of comfort on the inside. And prior to meeting you, the only place that I knew where to get these things was either from some Mexican who had a can full of this stuff or from the drugstore or from maybe the local package store. This is the onlyplace I knew because I realize now that I must have had a tremendous inferiority complex. Again, that's wonderful. I can even pronounce it now. And I'm the kind of a guy that had an inferiority complex and couldn't even pronounce it, which is horrible come to think of it. But you know, it's a funny feeling when you walk around the streets, and this is actually, I've heard someone in Alcoholics Anonymous say this, that nothing in the world is so true if the mind believes it, even if it's false. This was me walking around, and I honestly believe that every man in the worldview was much better looking than I, and I believe every man in the world had more money. And every man of the world was more intelligent. Well, this no longer is a complex. This is an inferiority. I'm walking around the streets and I'm looking at all these people and I've never had any problem as long as I was at that tender age of 11, 12, and 13 to where all my companions were boys. And you know, even over in Hollywood it's reputed that boy runs with boy. I'm not that way, you know. I like girls. I really do. But when I became about 18 years of age, I wasn't having any luck in this particular facet of my life. I started combing my hair for the first time. As a matter of fact, I have sort of a long face anyway and I weigh about 160 pounds and prior to meeting you, I never weighed over 128 and my face was always about that long. And to exaggerate this condition, I had a wave on the top of my hair that went kind of like this. Isn't it wonderful what dope and booze will do for you? I literally could smoke weed or drink booze or eat pills and look in the mirror and I can get good looking. Now, you know this is insanity. But we have a serenity prayer back here that says God has granted me the serenety to accept these things. But it's again these things, I just could never stand walking around with the belief that as I crossed the street people would take a look at me and laugh in my face. Now, I believe this was true. I'd walk into dance halls where other people were dancing. I never felt part of what was going on. It was like having a ticket to a show instead of being actually the live dance. And I'd sit around and watch all these people having fun. I knew there was romance somewhere because I used to watch Dorothy Lamour's show. You know, as well as I do, this is not the same thing, you know, having your romance this way, sitting in a show watching it. And so I'd go to these dances and I'd stand around watching all these people and something missing I knew definitely out of my life, this feeling of not being anybody, being a nothing. And it was this particular time in my life that I was introduced to this thing that the Mexicans call Juanita, which is better known as marijuana. Because marijuana is a very strange bush. You take a guy that's not very tall, not very good looking, and not very smart, and he becomes all things with two blasts. There I am, see? I really did get awfully good looking. As a matter of fact, it's amazing. I think about it sometimes now, and it still amazes me. Because I stand in front of the mirror, you You know, and I didn't have a mustache. Then I had one that was painted. This one's a real one. But I used to paint one on it and look at myself and think to myself, and isn't this amazing? Now, standing before this judge, you know, I can never think of these things. But who the devil wants to have one of two attitudes? The guy who walks into a dance hall where every girl in the world will have nothing to do with him. If he walked up to ask her for a dance, she'd say, oh no, not you. You know? This is what I'm thinking. Or be the kind of a guy that's loaded on weed and walk into a dancing and think for yourself, these girls don't know what they're missing. You say, sure, nothing but a change of attitude. But again, they wonder why that people go to so many lengths. And I don't know of anyone except you people who raise your hands and say, I'm alcoholic, that have gone any more lengths to find these inner things. At least I don' t. And again, I don'' t speak for anyone but myself. But I'd go into these dances loaded on weed in these wild clothes. And remember that I wore dark green colored glasses all the time at night and everywhere. And you know, again, isn't it funny? I've learned this in AA that a man can never have anything in this universe unless he first really believes it in his heart. Even if he does have it physically invisibly unless it's in his mind in his body doesn't have it at all. And isn't this strange that these spiritual principles have followed the alcoholic around because I believe that no girl or nobody would have anything to do with me. I've been obsessed with the idea that nobody loves me I guess because I went into these same dances loaded on weed and pills and all these other things. And I sit around and it's a miracle. These miracles do happen. I did get a girl into my life and for a very different reason than probably most of you. Most women like men because either they're intellectual or they're built like a Vic Tanny or for some reason that's attractive. But the first girl that was ever attracted to me was attracted for a very different reasons. I had on green and brown corduroy shoes. Again, being sick, I have learned from you has its advantages, having a sick mind, you know, because I sit back and when this girl looked at me, what I was thinking is she's saying, isn't he handsome? Isn't he wonderful? What she was really saying, what the hell's that? So you see, it pays to be sick. But I did get a girl into my life, and the first time that I ever took this young girl out i never will forget the insecurities and the temporary feelings of inadequacy left me temporarily because this little girl was trying to figure out what i was talking about because prior to meeting you i had a completely different language it was instead of leaving the room i split the scene or cut out you know and i don't care what you talked about you talk about any subject that i obviously knew nothing about but to defend myself with a shield let you know that i was really somebody i just look at you with that glassy look and say don't give me that jazz dead, I'm hit. It's a defense. I even said this in a toilet bowl and it has no sense there. Many years later, many years later. Isn't it an amazing thing? I realized at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was probably one of the smartest people that you ever got. I knew all the answers to everything except how to live and breathe. This is amazing how sick he can get. But this little girl and myself were riding down the street this one particular day and I'm a blabbermouth which I guess you've already discovered and it always hasn't been to my benefit because I'm one of these kind of fellas that if something's terrific everybody should do it, even the police. Marijuana was wonderful. Everybody should smoke it. Isn't this wonderful? It's a peaceful, beautiful world. So I tried to turn everybody on as we used to say in one particular Mexican brother, a couple of brothers, they were twins. One of them, I lit him up or laced his boots, as we used to call it. And he, like myself, says, oh, this is terrific. And he went and told his brother. And his brother blew the whistle on me, see? And I'm driving down Brand Boulevard in the city of Glendale one day, and I've got 40 of these things in the glove compartment, 40 marijuana cigarettes. And this little girl is riding right alongside of me, you know, and she's looking up at me because I'm speaking in a strange language. And I think to myself, oh boy, you Know, I've really got somebody here that's really impressed, see. And I're talking to her, and all of a sudden, here comes the law. They pull me over. We call them the fuzz, the law. They pull my over to the curb and they know just exactly where to reach for this stuff. And you know, I get to thinking about these things now. I've always, all my life, either accidentally, inadvertently, or however you want to put it, always been looking for answers to how to live a better way of life. Really have, even prior to meeting you. Because I spent some time in the county jail for possession of the flowering leaf tops of Indian hemp, which is marijuana. And all the time I'm in there, I'm getting information on how to live a better way of life from the inmates, you know. And I'm not the kind of guy who asks somebody doing 30 days for information on how to Live a Better Way of Life. I ask somebody doing a couple of years, you now. And I am standing around getting all this information on how To Live a better Way of life. And they are telling me, look man, you don't run around with that stuff in your pockets. You don't ever carry only what's in your head. Or if you're going to carry one, but if you just want to carry it up here and you're chopped, I know. And when you're walking down the street, if a law happens to tap you on the shoulder, you can say, yes, sir. And you're clean. See, always interested in how to live comfortably, how to have a good attitude. See? I'm a sucker for comfort. I heard a definition of insanity the other day that fits me, the alcoholic. It says insanity is the man who believes that 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, he can look like this. I tried, didn't you? I really did. I tried as hard as anyone to spend all my time. And it's a funny thing, you know. I remember somewhere in Chapter 3 in our big book, it says that somehow, someday, I will learn to control and enjoy my liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. Even though that my story may have been a certain amount of years with narcotics and pills, I eventually come to the great drug of all drugs, gallo wine. This is the greatest. and I had this bore out to me one time very conclusively because I happened to be at a little meeting down on Main Street one time at a place called Matt Talbot's Canteen a little Italian fellow by the name of Charlie Gilbert who was not an alcoholic he used to take the drunks off the street and clean them up and call the AAs come down and talk to them being new on the program I had to talk to somebody so I'd go down there and half the audience was not sober just a few in the front row and I got up there one day with another friend of mine who had almost identically the same problem And we're talking about this thing, this life that we're living and how we're understanding it in this fabulous program. Of course, always referring to the book ever myself. I'm talking to this group this particular day and after the meeting a six foot three man came up to me. Never forget this. This was a great big fellow and the tears were running down his eyes. And he says, Eddie, I'd like to ask you something. He says, You know, I was on morphine for about 14 years. And he said, I finally got to the point my head would swell up, My legs would swell up. And he says, I didn't know whether it was day or night. He said, I could just try to lay on my back and try to count that little orange ball that would go over and tryto figure out how many days were passing. And he said,I finally got to the point one day I said to myself, I'll never take any more morphine as long as I live. And he sais,and to this day,I have never taken any more morpheen. And then the tears really started running down his face because he looked at me and he says,"How did you get off of this wire?" So you see, what I took is of no consequence. It made no difference in my life what I was taking. I was always looking for the same thing. Always looking for a better attitude. Somewhere in our book it says something that to me is very poignant. This particular thing on one particular page, I don't know where exactly it is. I can't remember verbatim. But it says that lack of power was my dilemma. I had to find a power by which I could live. And the thing that amazes me about this is the fact that my wife, the judges, my employers, and all these people never could figure out why I didn't have time for them. And anyone who's had my problem knows that when you're in the last four or five years, prior to this fellowship, there isn't much time available. You know, because I didn' t get up. I came to someplace. And as I've heard it said many, many times, I would pat around to find out where I was. and then if I'd come across a body I'd try to find out whether it was boy or girl I never knew where I was and I don't know whether it means anything or not but this is not starting a day equal with your fellow man because I think it was Emerson, I heard one person once say that man spends most of his time preparing to live this was me I knew, and I have known all my life but didn't know it mentally, that this is a spiritual principle, that believing in my heart, that if I can find this inner kingdom, that all things will be added unto me. And I'm looking for it every way imaginable, you know. Because I know that once I get peaceful, I'm a pretty good lover. I'm anything you want. if I can get in condition. As a matter of fact, it's common knowledge around Alcoholics Anonymous that there are types like me who've always desired the fair sex, you know. I'm the guy who sits in the mirror, you know, in a dimly lit bar and they're very clever, these bar owners. They don't let guys like me really get to see what I look like. And with the help of a little booze, again, I say I get very, very good looking, you know? And I'm always looking in the bar and this is a strange thing that used to happen to me. I used to sit in these bars looking for the girl of my dreams. Even though I'm married and got three kids at home. Now, the rent's not paid. My car is being repossessed. I can't get a job even washing the dishes. But I'm looking for this thing, whatever it is, this wonderful me that I know exists, and this one woman that's in this universe that's exactly like me who understands. And then, like in a Hollywood movie, we will live happily ever after. and I'm sitting and some of the gals I'm glad I've learned this from you that I will never ever have anyone into my life any greater than I allow myself to be and I've noticed that all my life all the people I've ever associated with have always been just like me whenever I went into a bar and left with some chick some gal she was always as sick as I was and can you imagine it was always some gal looking at the bar and you know I've always had this little thing it's hard living in this mental duality to where I want to be wild and reckless and run around with the girls and have a good time. But something else is trying to restrain me and it's sort of a war that's going on in the inside. And I don't know if any of you fellas or any of y'all gals ever had this, but I had a little mental reservation that actually I wasn't a bad fella because I never went out with a girl in my life that I first wasn't in love with. But I can fall in love in three minutes. I'd sit in a bar and look like that and pretty soon I'd get good looking. And, of course, this girl down at the bar is drinking the same drug that I am, you know. And she gets good-looking, and she gets Good-Looking to me. And usually it was some gal that just got out of Lincoln Heights. That's a jail in Los Angeles. Hair not combed, looked like my friend last night doing that act of Shelly Berman. No teeth. And to me, she's gorgeous. Now, here I'm sitting, forgetting all of the things. And the thing that never dawned on me is in an alcoholic synonymous, you're always telling me self-honesty. This is the thing I must learn, self-honesty. And I was always the kind of a guy who never told anybody about anything except what a great guy I thought I was, and obviously must not be because I wouldn't spend so much time going around telling other people if I was. But I'm always sitting around and never telling anybody about all the mornings and I always get a kick, you know, because I'm not a very religious man even today. I don't have the real qualifications to be a religious man. But you know prior to meeting you people, I spent more time talking about God than I do now, really, sincerely, because I spent every morning, practically 365 days a year, on my hands and knees with my head in a hole saying, Oh, God! And the reason I say that is because every once in a while somebody walks into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and it's a fabulous thing, but somebody brings up that three-letter word, God. It always reminds me of the guy who says, oh, they're talking about God. So what does he do? He leaves the meeting. He ain't going to come around where they talk about God, and the next morning, like me, he's telling it in a very strange place. Isn't that a strange place to pray? Oh, God, in that bowl, you know, that echoes back. And this is a real strange thing because I sit on these bar stools forgetting this. Now, I have never been in a mental institution. God only knows why. I've never really spent an awful lot of time in federal prisons, but I don't want to go to some mental institution. We've got some dandies out in our state too. They're not all in our leader's state. But I don' t want to get up there and finally find myself with my hands against the bar, bashing my head against a wall, and finally three psychiatrists say, Yes, you are crazy. Because I can stop back with the help of you looking over my life and remember that it is not normal. It is not sane. It is no balanced emotions to walk around a room at 2 o'clock in the morning knowing, believing, indisputably that I'm leaving the planet. Now, I did this every night but I never told anybody. Walking around holding my pulse. Why? Because I'm dying. I did it every day. I did that every night. It's a wonderful thing. As a matter of fact, they've got a fellow in Hollywood called Sir Lawrence Olivier And amongst actors, he's reputed as being the best professional dyer there is. But nobody dies better than I. I'm a tremendous dyer because I did it so often. Walking around holding one's pulse, you know, and waiting. And I'm the kind of a guy that's so insane about dying that I would look for a soft place to fall. And I never will forget after a meeting somewhere over in Southern California, a fellow came up to me after the meeting and he says, he says Eddie, he says I'll be gosh darned. He says, that's just exactly what I used to do. He says only except for one exception. And I said, well, what in the devil is that? He says I used watch my watch. And I says, what for? He says so I won't know what time it was when I left. Can you imagine me running around saying to you that my problem was drinking? I had no mental problems. standing on a bus corner I stood on a bus corner for an hour on a Sunday waiting for a bus and I know I'm dying they don't dare tell the guy in a store have you died lately you know we don't talk about these things you know and finally when the bus pulls up you don't get on because there you go again this is not mental health but again sitting on this bar stool looking in this mirror and the gal gets good looking and I get good looking and somewhere in my childhood or either at Disneyland or something I picked up the idea that everybody is entitled to a specific woman. And someday, this thing I got picked up with so hurriedly, this gal I married in such haste, I'll get rid of and marry the girl who truly understands. So it's every night. And they say that alcoholics don't believe in miracles. I've always believed in miracles! You mean to say it isn't a miracle? A guy who's almost not here, not even breathing, who forgets where the bathroom is most of the time. This is me. I'm roaming around the streets looking like this. I'm sitting there with this glass of alcohol And something tells me in the back of my mind, and it never ceased until I met you, that this glass that I'm drinking, this next one, not a gallon, not 50 gallons, not a seven-day drunk or a seven month drunk, but this next glass I'm going to drink. And everything's going to be okay. I just knew it. And that wonderful girl was going to walk into my life. And we were going to live happily ever afterwards. And the insanity was that this old buzzsaw and myself would get off of that bar stool If it was possible, remember that most of the time that I had the mental courage to walk over and ask a girl, would you like to make love with me? Honey, I was incapable physically of moving. God's truth. Now, I don't know how much of an inferiority complex you had, but this is what I had. And I never will forget it. I look back now. Insanity. This is it. Me in this buzzsaw walking out of this bar together. These two quivering masses of flesh walking out of this far arm and arm with the mental thought In both of our minds, we're going to live happily ever afterwards. This, to me, is not mental health. It really is not. But again, you know, to be a member of this fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, even though at times it sounds like I'm trying to be funny, I'm being very serious in my own way. If you don't think I'm truly an alcoholic, ask me to have a glass of beer or wine. You see, for some strange reason, I've learned a few things from you, and you probably all know them. But the privilege of being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is the fact I can tell me so that I know too. This is the important part, because I'm the alcoholic. I'mthe guy who's incapable of having a family. I'mtheguywho'sincapableofhavingajob. I'm theguythat'sincapablementallyofbelievingthatillstillbeheretomorrowbecauseimdyingtonight. I'mtha guy who had all this before I met you. And it always tickles me when somebody says, but what do you have to give up when you quit drinking? Probably the funniest thing I ever heard. I think Chuck always loves this. What do you do with your time when you get sober? I grant you even now, I'm not home very often because I work two or three nights a week and I try to get to a meeting somewhere. But I'll tell you, when I'm home, there's a tremendous difference I'm there. Oh, that's a tremendous difference. I was never there. Never there. Even though physically there was a hole. You know what I was thinking about? In the closet, there's a half pint. Did you ever go out and check the oil in your car at midnight? Aren't we smart? Huh? If you don't think alcoholics are the smartest people in the world, just ask any one of us. We're brilliant. We really are. Fabulous people. But I wouldn't want to be any other way. I wouldn'T want to be ANY OTHER WAY. I like being an alcoholic because being an alcoholic, I can walk around the streets with me without making excuses for who I am. Prior to meeting you, you see, I was never an alcoholic. Never. I was an alcoholic eight years ago when I walked into my first meeting. After I came to my first meeting. You see, it's a strange thing. They've got a word in alcoholics about it. It's called anonymity. Love it. just terrific. Today, I'm up before all of you. There's a room full of tremendous people. And I'm telling you that I'm an alcoholic because if I didn't, you might see me walking around without this badge. I might just be a normal person. Isn't that awful? But I'm telling you so that you believe it. Most of all that I believe it, but there was a time in my life. I want to tell you some of the people who knew I was, but I didnít. My wife knew. We know this. You know, when your guy doesnít get off the floor for four or five Daisy has a problem. But I don't know it. Now, the judge knew I had a problem because he said if he ever saw me again, he's going to throw a key away. My employer wouldn't even talk to me. I had no job. But this, to me, is a real funny thing in my life. I have a little dog. He's only about that long. You know, when a little doll walks up and sniffs you laying on the floor wondering why the kid has to go outside to do what you're doing in the house. That's why, that's why that I don't like to get cocky about being the fact that I know I'm alcoholic because everybody knew I was. Six months after I was on the fellowship, coming home from a meeting or coming home to work, if I had to be a little tired, lay down on the couch. I know my dog was sniffing my breath to find out for sure whether I was still a member of this fellowship. Everybody knows except me. I go into a gas station now, and this is anonymity. Again, like I say, I talk to you. If I go in to a gasation and I walk in there and say five gallons of gas, please. The gal doesn't say who's the alcoholic. As a matter of fact, if i even told her I was, she wouldn't believe it because I don't look like an alcoholic to her what she thinks an alcoholic is. But nine years ago, she'd have known and I wouldn't have, you know. That's why I like being an alcoholic. Now, what you have taught me, and remember that even though my opinions may be controversial, what I believe is my Alcoholics Anonymous privilege, and I honestly do believe that the only alcoholics that this young man knows, and I keep calling myself young, you now, I'll do this for years, the only alcoholic that I know, the only ones that I Know are people who call themselves alcoholics who don't drink. I can prove this very conclusively. You see, I don't come from a well family at all. I've got three sisters and 11 brother-in-laws. This is not a well family. When I go home to see my mother and father occasionally, now that I've got a little bit more understanding, I can do it. My mother and father, you know, are always totally anesthetized, you know, as I used to be. And my dad always has his head on the kitchen table. He looks up and he, like a lot of other people who don't understand this program, looks up at me and says, are you still on that yay, yay, yay? Obviously I'm walking, am I not? And my mother always rolls off of the couch and she has one of those little red noses, you know. And you know I used to think at one time when I first came around that I had some special message. Isn't that silly? You allow me to save my life and I have a message for you. Ridiculous. But I often wonder, why should I come to Texas or go any place when I have people in my own family that I would like to be able to walk up to and say, you don't have to live that way anymore. You just don't know how to live your life. You don't want to live that way anymore? There's no reason why you ever have to get up in the morning again and say, oh God, it's morning. Instead, say good morning. It's good morning, God. I would like to be able to tell my mother that this is still a beautiful world, that it's a nice place to live. But my mother and my father and a lot of other people who are not alcoholics by admission still walk around in this world of not being here. The world that I came from prior to meeting you, this is the thing that always amazes me because I like to think that even though I don't know an awful lot about what the disease of alcoholism is. I've learned a couple of things from you which suffice for me. One is the fact I know and I can look back on my own life and know that chemically I'm put together a little differently than my next-door neighbor who tells me, oh, just drink a couple beers, use your willpower, your backbone. I know that he's put together little chemically different than me because I can remember drinking gallons, spending two or three days doing it, but I must also remember that prior to meeting you that I'd get up off the floor after being there for eight or nine hours and drink that much out of a water glass and go back to my little world. I had sleeping sickness when I got here. I was never here. Maybe five minutes a day, I was that bubbling little old self, you know. Well, it's awfully hard to cram a 24-hour day into five minutes. This is what I had just prior to meeting you. So I have since learned, since coming to this fellowship of alcoholics and nuns, that I'm not the kind of a person that has to run around the world thinking I have some specific message, that instead I'm allowed the privilege to help the guy who's really sick myself. You've told me many, many times that if I can get a better and greater understanding and higher awareness of myself, then I can live each day better with myself instead of running around all the time as I used to with a shield up in front of me, pretending and acting all the same. You see, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, even though I'd never been in Hollywood actually or been on the stage, I've acted every scene of my life. You know, by the time I got to AA, I was tired. I was just playing all around. I mean, a lot of times I've left the bar stool and go to the bathroom when I didn't have to go. Just to draw some attention. You see, nobody loves me. This is what I believe. Nobody loves me, and you can imagine a guy like me who looks in bars for the girl of his dreams, a guy who looks anyplace, he knows that in all the sea of faces like today, Hey, somewhere there's a girl who loves me dearly and says that's the fella I've been looking for. Can you imagine in my dismay coming home from a meeting after being sober almost four or five years, walking home into a house and walking into the kitchen and finding a gal washing dishes at the sink and find the girl that I had been looking before all these years? I've Been Married to Her and Didn't Even Know It. Now, the reason I bring this up is because to me Alcoholics Anonymous starts at home here First of all, it makes me aware of what I have so that then and only then can other things be added unto me because as long as I'm missing serenity, as long als I'm looking for happiness, as long al I'm loking for love, I will never find it. It's only in those brief moments by association with you that I find myself every once in a while, despite of my nature, the way it's put together, I find meself giving the thing I've always been looking for, happiness and understanding and love. And you know, isn't it a strange thing as I look at it now? I have three children. I know their names. I really do. I know which ones is which anymore. And to me, these little things have come about by only the association of a group of people who in all their thinking collectively are thinking about better ways of living. And I'm sitting around my house one day and we're having a birthday, my dad's natal birthday. And the lights are sort of dim. In California, I'm sure you do this around here in Texas too. When we have birthdays in California, these AA birthdays, they always do it with candles. And the new man one year or two blows out his candle and says something usually that is probably a lot more profound than anyone else could ever say in an hour talk or 50 minutes. I'm just tickled to death to be sober and thank you all. But one day I'm sitting in my house and my little three kids came into the room and they were singing happy birthday to you dad. And this is one of the things that gave me an awareness of something that I had never had before. because I looked into these little kids' eyes and the candles were shining in their eyes, just shining in your eyes. And for the first time I looked in these little kid's eyes and I realized that these kids loved me from the bottom of their hearts. Then they have always loved me but this was the first times that I ever saw it. Bringing again the simple principle that only when this particular kingdom on any given day is available that then and then, only then are all things added unto me. It always reminds me And as I looked into my little kid's eyes that particular day, it reminded me there was a period in my life as a small child when life was a beautiful thing. When I could get up in the morning with the anticipation of another beautiful day and I realize now that my three little kids, I've got a boy 12, a girl 10, and a girl 8. And I like to think that these little kids and I know that it's true the way they believe. When they get up In the morning, they're looking forward to another day on this wonderful planet called Earth. It's a fabulous, fascinating planet. So many things to do, so many places to go and so much fun in such a short amount of hours in the day to accomplish all these wonderful things. And you know, it always reminds me again of this little story. You see, out at Lockheed, right close to where I live, they've got some pretty brilliant men, some men who study mathematics and aerodynamics and things like that, and they have finally come across this particular principle. The little simple bumblebee has got a wingspan too short for its body. It's got too much body, and technically it can't fly. But the amazing part is no one's ever told the bumblebee, see? Because it flies all over the universe. Now this to me is an amazing thing. No, no one has ever told my kids or reached them yet, these normal people in society, that this is not a nice place to live. And the thing that has impressed me about Alcoholics Anonymous, and I heard a man say over at North Hollywood one time, he says, isn't it strange that the only people who stick around of the Fellowship of Alcoholics and Anonymous seemingly believe in their hearts that they are finding what they were looking for in alcohol. This better, happier way of life to where whatever happens today, I'll be there. This is awfully important to me. I'm just so tickled to death when I think about these things now. It's an awfully important thing for me to be able to ride into a car with this vice off of my head. This vice saying, I've got to have a drink. I've Got to Have a Drink. The fact, and they say that nature abhors a vacuum. You can't take something away without something returning in its place. And to be able to get into a car on my day off with my family and to beable to drive such places as Sequoia, which is beautiful, California, and tobe amongst this beautiful scenery, but better yet, tobe able to see it, to me is one of the miracles of this fellowship because you know, you who have had an obsession of the mind like me, see nothing, feel nothing, and know nothing because I must have another dream. I can have all the things in the universe at my foot, and I know they're not there. As a matter of fact, it reminds me of something that was written, and again sent from an Alcoholics Anonymous podium, in a book that's probably about 10,000 years old. And it says that man is the strangest animal in the Universe. The only man that doesn't accept what he really is. Because man is like a bird. Man is the only animal who stands in the desert as it used to be, with his legs spread apart and his arms spread wide, looking up to the sky saying, God, I have nothing and standing on a gold mine called himself all the time. And this is to me, the amazing part of this fellowship with Alcoholics Anonymous. You're the only people who ever told me today, just for this 24 hour period, live it to the best of your ability, enjoy it, but be sure that you do it with the personality that God had given you in the first place. You see, I always disliked me. I never liked anyone else but me. Earl Flynn, anybody but me, and I tried so desperately and was so wore out. When I got here I didn't know who I was. Hadn't the slightest idea who I wasn't. And you think it isn't the most fascinating thing in the world? I can imagine some man who may have been the man who built the Empire State Building, the man who designed it, that as each floor went up what a thrill he must have got out of watching this creation that came from within himself. And I can only think of the tremendous thrill that we people in Alcoholics Anonymous are accorded. The very fact that each day on the principle of progress, not perfection, but progress, a day at a time, that each Day I get a story added to this particular structure. And this is very thrilling for me. I know that as I stick around this fellowship now that I've only put my door, my little toe into the door of this thing called sobriety. See, before I met you, I thought sobrietry was a little bit different than it is now. I always figured there were two kinds of people in the universe, happy ones and sober ones. Sober people were like judges There was a little old lady who sat on the porch up the street for me and watched me go by. I said, these were sober people. Then there were the happy people who took things. And I'm still the most amazed guy in the world to find out that what you're talking about are these simple basic spiritual principles, happiness and understanding and good fellowship. And I'd be proud to death to be a member of the fellowship of this top of the group, of top of Texas group here, because you people have really been tremendous to people like me. You've been tremendous, I'm sure, to every one of us that come down here. And we can only hardly wait some day to be asked back, because this again is the greatest compliment I think that ever could happen, that regardless of what you people think or what you do, what your businesses are, where you came from, you take a guy like me who is absolutely a tongue-chewing, babbling idiot and allow him to stand before you with only one particular thing in mind, that by doing so, by standing before you, I get a better opportunity to know myself and by this particular principle be able to live with my fellow man. I'm quite thrilled about Alcoholics Anonymous. I've used a lot of adjectives, and none of them truly describe. I've use the word fabulous for many years because this is truly a fabulous program. Miracles that never cease. I've heard it said in AA that this is the only place in the world where miracles become commonplace. Things happen that, honest to God, a guy would never believe. I never will forget a fellow that I knew very, very well out in the Burbank group one time who had been roaming around the country not even knowing what state he was in, going from jail to jail. In the meantime, somewhere way back in his life he had a couple of kids. This fellow didn't even have any idea what state they were in. He had no idea where they were. But something happened to him. Alcoholics Anonymous here, AlcoholicsAnonymous somewhere else. His kids were located. And he's now living with his kids. Isn't this the most miraculous thing in the world? So many things do happen. It's an amazing thing. I still believe that even though it was said by One of the wisest men that probably ever put his feet on this planet. And everybody knows who I'm talking about. He said it and said it in very simple words. Seek first this inner kingdom, then and only then can all things be added unto you. Isn't this the hue and cry of every alcoholic or narcotic addict in the world? I can't be married. I can' t hold a job. I can''t do anything because I must find this inner Kingdom. And when I find this Inner Kingdom, then I will take time to live with you and work on this job and do these other things. And I've heard a lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've seen some pretty big men cry in these podiums because of the inner realization, which is the greatest thing that ever happens to me, of the fact that these things are happening to me. That I'm allowed, a fellow who has no background, no education, no nothing, to stand before people who have got twice the education, people who are making three times the money. But I'm not here on that basis. I'm here on the basis that I belong to a very unique fellowship. I don't think that even Rockefeller, with all of his money, could have afforded the people that I have going out making the run for me. I've got a half a million people all over the world getting information on how I can live a better way of life. Now, that's a pretty darn good thing. In Texas, in Arkansas, in Oklahoma, everywhere, they're all going out with only one purpose, how that I can Live With A Better Way Of Life. And maybe that there isn't any one particular man or gal in this fellowship who has the message for this particular program, Alcoholics Anonymous. But I've learned one thing since I've been with you and that's the fact that we have the message. We have the messages. We who call ourselves alcoholics. I couldn't understand when I walked into my first meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous in Burbank and this regalia of mine with the drapesuit and the hair and the glasses with all the answers except on how to live and how to breathe. Why it was when I sat down and the speaker that's coming after me this morning happened to be the speaker that morning at that particular meeting. And I like to say this because to me today it's very, very funny because I sat up there and watched this man and all I could think in the back of my mind is what in the devil is he taking? What is he on? Now remember that a man who has not been to school, who has no intellectual mechanisms to work with, No specific frameworks of reference. I have nothing to work with. You know that it is impossible for me to decide if I am an alcoholic. You know why I raised my hand at that first meeting? I wanted to get on this stuff that you were on. You could have all called yourselves dodo birds and I'd have raised my hands. It wouldn't have made any difference because I wanted what you had. And I began to realize, and when I looked up there, I looked around the room at this particular morning, that this particular gentleman, wherever I see him, anywhere in the universe or anywhere in the United States or anywhere wherever it happens to be, he never takes, never is too busy to take the time to come over and put his arm around me and give me a hug. Now this is pretty fabulous and also his lovely wife. People in this world who do show you that even though that deep down inside this feeling every once in a while comes over me because I am more alcoholic now than I was when I got here. Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. I'm going to get fired. My wife's going to discover who I really am and throw me out. These little feelings that come over me from time to time, there are lots of people in the world who keep proving me conclusively that this is nothing more than mental sickness, that there are people who love me, people that had no reason in the World before even though I existed. But you know, I've heard this from my good friend, Chuck, who's speaking this morning. I think the hardest place in the Word that I ever learned to find this program was at home. I used to hear Chuck many, many times say, there's nothing really happening until you bring this thing home. I've heard him say that a thousand times, and after many, many years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I actually found myself in a home where AA exists, and it's a pretty beautiful thing because for me to be able to sit on a couch with a girl that I've always wanted to sit down and talk to her about, to be on the couch with, and to beable to have her squeeze my hand from time to time and to tell me without the fear that she's going to throw me out any minute, that she loves me, and to recognize that this is true is a tremendous thing There was a song one time, a man used to sing, he was supposed to have been a philosopher and he traveled all over the world. In the end, this song was the greatest thing that he had ever learned, was to love and to be loved in return. And you know, isn't it a wonderful thing in Alcoholics Anonymous? What are you teaching me? What are You really teaching me ? I haven't been around booze or pills or narcotics for almost eight years. This is not about booze. This is NOT about pills. This is Not about narcotics. You're teaching me how to love. You're teaching me how to walk hand in hand with my fellow man. You're teachin' me how ta spend a day with myself and enjoy my own company. You're the people that have taught me that there's a strange power in this universe that's so put together in such a way that if I'll take the time each day to look within myself, that I'll find in myself a power that even though I don't know very much up here, this power knows all about me, knows exactly what I need and what I should have for that particular day. One of the most difficult things I think I ever learned in Alcoholics Anonymous was this fact that if AlcoholicsAnonymous is about spiritual things and about meditation and prayer, then I want to be one of the greatest prayers in the world. And I'm one of these kind of guys who started out by reading every book written on the subject of theology in all of its different forms because I wanted to become a real, real spiritual man in your eyes, which is not being spiritual at all. And I remember a colored fellow that I once knew out in Los Angeles. And this old fellow is no longer alive. And this particular fellow one time said something I've never forgotten. I've Never Forgotten. He tells a little story about how he learned to pray. He says that he heard a little story one time about a fellow who used to be in a room and he'd push a little button anytime he wanted anything. More money, or he wanted his wife to treat him a little differently, or he needed to have a different kind of car. And if he had these things, then he would truly be happy. And he'd press the button and through the door would walk God with a little bellboy's hat on saying What will you have this morning? And God would fulfill all these things, would give him a better car, would make his wife clean the house. But still, happiness eluded him. And he says that one day he's walking down the hall and he said it finally dawned on him the only thing that was wrong in his life that him and God were wearing the wrong uniforms. And this was the great lesson to me. I have learned that Alcoholics Anonymous if I listen to you for the first time in my life, I'm trying to listen. You have told me within the book it says that if I will ask God in my morning meditation what I can do for the other fellow who is still saved, all things will happen unto me. And that if my own house is in order, these things will come to pass to me too. Somewhere in our book it also says that there is a time in my life, and I believe that it's happening now, that I'll realize that there are too many good things happening in my Life. A job that I enjoy, I'm making a decent living. A house that I like being in, a family that I love, scenery that I can enjoy looking at. And you know the only thing that I honestly realize is the fact that this book means what it says, that I will actually come to the point where I will realize that these things are happening to me that I could have never made happen to myself. And isn't it strange, even though I've heard it said in AA many, many times, that we are, if we be alcoholics, self-will or run riot. And actually, my morning prayer is something like this. I've learned something from a dear friend of mine in Alcoholics Anonymous in L.A., and he always says this, and I am a thief. I'm a plagiarist. I steal anything I believe will make me a better man. And he always says this and I think it's a beautiful thing and it seems to apply to you people at Alcoholics Anonymous. He says that it's seemingly the thing that stands between God and man stand between man and man. And God surely smiles the best upon me when we're smiling upon one another. And you know, isn't it a strange thing that you have taught me I hope I never forget and I won't if I spend as much time as I can with you. I can have anything I want in this world spiritually if I only remember to take the time to give them away. I'm a selfish guy. I'm an awful selfish guy because I couldn't imagine life anymore without understanding and happiness, love and degrees of peace of mind. This is what I was looking for before I met you. And all I can say as I stand before you this morning thank God there's a you. Because there's an you, there's me. Thanks a lot.