The Magic of Alcohol Stopped Working – Pat Y.

Hi everybody, my name is Pat and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm happy to be here. God, what a welcome. Before I forget, I'd like to thank Debbie and Jack for their hospitality. They've been showing me around Omaha and taking me from one meal to the next. And it's been great. I am happy to Be Here. I understand that I'm not your first choice for speaker. Your first choice was Sybil, who's sober forever. And I're not. And this is not the first time I've filled in for Sybil. The first time I did it, I was about three years sober. I did not know I was filling in for her. A guy at a local meeting just called and said, My speaker has the flu. Could you talk? And I said, Oh, sure. And I went over and I'm walking around the meeting with a cup of coffee and I heard people going, Sybil's going to be here. Sybil is going to beat. I thought, God, are they going to get disappointed? I mean, I'm three years over and I don't think had much of a program at that time. But anyway, I am happy to be here. I love the entertainment earlier, especially the singers. My husband and I, a lot of you know my husband, Vince. He's been out to Omaha before. met a lot of you and we have um this coming tuesday night our sixth annual yo family christmas caroling party uh where 200 of our most intimate aa friends drop by and we go out and terrorize the neighborhood with our singing we don't sound anything like these singers nothing at all like these singers and you all are invited to come and join our except dick We have enough bad singers in California. Sorry. Anyway, I am happy to be here. I'd like to welcome the newcomers to Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new and you're in your first week or 30 days or so of sobriety, this probably doesn't seem like much fun to you. These things didn't seem much fun when I was new. I couldn't understand how people could have any fun without drinking. When I got sober, I wondered what was I going to do with all the time, you know, all that empty time. I wish I had some of it now. I got drunk the first time when I was 13 years old, and the reason I drank that night is that it was offered to me. I didn't particularly want to drink or not want to drinking. I don't remember having any feelings about it one way or the other, but I did want to fit in with those people at that party that night. And they were drinking rum and Coke, so I drank rum and coke just to fit in. I don't know how much I drank that night, probably not too much because when you're 13 and you haven't drank before I don'T think it takes that much but I drank enough to get me drunk and then some and that's how I always drank from that moment forward. That night I took that drink and something magical happened to me as I'm sure did for you I could talk to people at that party. As long as I can remember I have been ill at ease I've always considered myself a shy person. I came to Alcoholics synonymous and somebody told me that's another word for self-obsession i like shy better but it's a matter of preference i guess anyhow i was the shy self-absessed person and i couldn't um talk to people i'm the kind of a person when i'm in a conversation with you while you're talking it's hard for me to concentrate on what you're saying because i'm busy thinking about what i'm going to say when you pause and it's Hard to have any kind of meaningful you know exchange of ideas there i'm just real self obsessed and i always have been and that night when i took that drink um i relaxed and i could talk to you for the first time and i loved it i said things that were funny that made people laugh and i also remember at that party i got up and danced i'm the kind of a person um still today i'll get up on a dance floor only when there's 50 other couples out there you know so i can sort of blend in with the crowd and that night i remember dancing with the spell and we were the only ones dancing and and i didn't mind at all in fact i kind of liked the idea that people were looking at me and uh i had the idea they were looking at me with awe and admiration i have no idea if that was true but i liked that idea um and i loved it you know i loved what alcohol did for me now that night i also uh blacked out passed out and woke up the next morning in bed with a marine that i didn't know that's not what i meant to do you know I was 13 years old and I think 13 year olds today maybe you're moving along a little faster when i was 13 that was shocking it really was i mean it even shocked me i felt real bad the next day i felt shame and guilt and remorse and um i was terrified that i was going to get pregnant i just had a lot of bad feelings uh but you know that next day I was talking to my two girlfriends who were my age 13 and and they knew they had been at that party the night before and they'd had a little bit to drink but then they um I guess they stopped I don't know uh but they knew how my evening had ended up and it seemed to me that they were looking at me with awe and admiration. I saw myself as sort of a pace setter you know on our little I kind of like that I drank after that every chance I got I believe I would have been a daily drunk right then if I would've had access to alcohol I didn't and so I was a periodic for a while but I drank every chance i got. My life changed from that moment I didn't realize it as it was happening, but it did. It started changing right then that night. I had strong moral values up to that point. I was getting A's in school and I went to a church and I was involved in a church youth group and that ended shortly after that first drunk. My grades dropped and I quit going to church and I started hanging around with a different crowd and I don't remember consciously changing crowds. I don'T remember thinking I DON'T like these people anymore. But within a few months I'm hanging around with people who drink a lot like I do And, you know, it seems like without asking for it, I somehow would become possessed of knowledge like the one liquor store in my town that would sell to minors out the back door. I don't remember ever asking anyone about that, but somehow I knew that information on how to get a phony ID. A phony idea when you're 13 is kind of a joke. But anyway, I had one and I drank. I grew up in Newport Beach, California, and so my drinking was mostly on weekends at beach parties and mostly beer, and I almost always got drunk. I've always... I mean, that's the point, isn't it? Why would you drink if you weren't going to be able to get drunk? Years later, I was at a... My husband and I at the time, my second husband andI had been invited to a political fundraiser thing in Beverly Hills at this very posh private home, and we had sent our money in for these tickets, and the tickets came in the mail, and it said on the tickets two complimentary glasses of champagne. I called the house I cannot believe I did this I called the house where this deal was being I didn't identify myself but I said I'm coming to your deal there on Friday night or whatever and I'm wondering I see it says on here two glasses of champagne I'm wondering if one happened to drink one's own two glasses of champagne and one wished to purchase additional glasses could one do that and the woman said oh Gino I'm sorry we've invited X number of people and we're buying so many cases of champagne and that's it and so no there won't be any for sale so i didn't drink that night because i don't know about you but i knew by then that two glasses of champagne and then having to stop was just going to make a crazy lady out of me two glasses de champagne is not going to do it i would rather not drink and so that night i didn t drink um until after i left there i guess you know but anyway to get back i'm 13 and 14 and 15 and i'm drinking on weekends and i m uh you know my life is going nowhere newport beach is kind of a small town and everybody kind of knew everybody and i was developing kind of a bad reputation and um that concerned me i mean i wanted to be uh well thought of you know i wantedto be uh respected and i wasn't already and it made me feel real bad i didn't tell anybody that you knowi kind of acted tough and and uh like it didn't matter but it mattered a lot to me but i didn' t i don't ever remember thinking gee if maybe he didn't drink he wouldn't behave this way i don' t ever remember thinkin g that during those years i i uh i tried a lot of things you know the things that you try when you're young like Drink an olive oil before you go out and all that kind of ridiculous, I don't know what that's supposed to do, but I did it. And I got drunk and behaved badly. I got married when I was 18, and I was only married for six months, so it's hardly, I don'T even usually count it when I'm counting husbands. But I mention it in AA meetings because it tells a little bit about the kind of person I am. I'M 17 YEARS OLD AND I'M DATING THIS GUY AND A COUPLE OTHER GUYS and I'm not an unattractive teenager. I mean, I've got my share of boyfriends and suitors, you know, but for some reason when this guy asked me, I remember feeling this tremendous sense of relief. Like, oh, thank God I won't have to worry about that anymore. Now, why I was worried about that at 17, it's not exactly over the hill, but I obviously was worried About it. I didn't know any, by the way, insight that I might have into my character or personality. That got long after I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, long after I took my fourth and fifth step and got a little idea of who I am. But I can see today, I had no self-worth is what that's all about. I had none. And so when this man asked me to marry him, it made me feel like somebody. I said yes, and we became engaged and we started planning this big church wedding. And I knew deep in my heart that this wasn't quite right. I've always been a big reader and in books, brides feel things. I can't say exactly what those things are. I just knew that I wasn't feeling them, you know, and I couldn't have told you exactly what it was I was feeling, but I was not feeling the way I just new a bride-to-be ought to feel. But I couldnít talk about that to anybody. I didnít know how to talk about it. I never talked about my feelings to anybody until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And so these wedding plans are going on in showers and shopping for the dress, and my motherís excited. And I just ñ I knew it was wrong, but I went ahead and did it anyway. And that made me feel bad. You know, I always meant to be the kind of a person that would grow up and get married and stay married forever. That's what I meant to do. You know? It didn't work out that way. Nothing that I meant it to do worked out that day as it turned out. You know I compromised everything that I ever meant to or believed in or the ways that I wanted to act. We got married and I'll never forget walking down the aisle on my dad's arm and thinking I ought to just say no you know and run out of this church but of course I couldn't do that And so I said, I do. And, you know, I think I would have stayed married to him forever if a lot of other things hadn't intervened during that year. I am not the kind of person who can look a guy in the eye and say, You know what? I don't love you, and this is a mistake. I'm leaving because that would hurt his feelings, presumably. And maybe not. But I can't stand conflict. You know,I can't understand the idea of hurting somebody. And so I don't think I ever could have done that. But a lot of other things happened during that six-month period when we were married that kind of just enabled me to sort of leave through the back door, so to speak. I had one brother growing up, no sisters and one brother. And he was three years older than me, and he was kind of my idol. Looking back on it, I think he was probably an alcoholic. He died too young for us to really know. But when I was married to this husband, my brother was killed in sort of a tragic accident when he was in the service. and he had been, briefly, he was in Japan and a boiler blew up on his ship and because he was so far away it took, I forget, two or three weeks for his body and his things to be shipped back so he could have the funeral and the day that we found out that he had died I remember the first thing I thought was a couple of days prior to that I had sent a card to him we'd been writing to him and he'd been injured and then he was, several days went by and then He died and I'd sent some cards to him during that interim period and one of the last cards In fact, the last card that I sent him was what I thought at the time was a rather funny card. It said something on the front like, I don't know, heard you were ailing but not to worry and you opened up the card and it said only the good die young. Now, it seemed like a real funny card standing in the shop when he was alive, you know. I sent the card off and then we heard that he died and I felt so bad about having sent such a thoughtless card. You know, I just thought, I remember thinking during that whole two or three weeks or whatever it took for his things to be shipped back that, you know, maybe he didn't get that card. Maybe it didn't go there in time. Please God, he died before it got there. You know, I felt... And I couldn't talk to anybody about that. It was not... You know looking back it's just not a big deal really but it was a big major deal in my mind and I just felt so horrible for having done it. And his things came back and my mother was opening the trunk and laying on the top was that card that had been opened and I pulled it out of there real quick so nobody could see it and I remember going in the bathroom and just ripping it up in little tiny pieces and flushing it down the toilet with about 20 flushes to get it down there and crying, and I felt so bad that I had sent that card. I never told anybody about that. It's funny. I had never told anyone about that until I took my fourth and fifth step in Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was taking my fifth step, I started to cry when I was reading that, and I stopped reading, and then I said to my sponsor, I cannot believe I'm crying over something that happened 13 years ago. This is incredible. And she said, well, of course you're crying about it. You never ever told anyone. and you never had a chance to cry about it before, and that's the truth. You know, I never... After that day in the bathroom flushing that car down the toilet, I just blocked that right out of my mind and never thought about it again because it just was painful to think about it, you know? Anyway, now he's dead, and I'm crying because I'm feeling guilty and bad that he's died. And my husband, who's just this poor young guy, has no idea what to do with me. I'm trying to help him. He's crying all the time. We did not... I should mention, my husband and I did not drink much, this first husband and me. We had very little money. And the crowd we hung around with used to drink this hideous thing. We would take perfectly good wine and dilute it with 7-Up. I guess we did that because it would go farther that way. I can't even imagine, but that's what we did. And it took just an awful lot of it to get drunk. And I didn't drink much during that six-month period, so I didn'T have anything much to take care of these emotions. So I'm crying all the time. And my husband said to me one day, I don't know how to help you with this deal with your brother. or maybe you should go home and stay with your mother for a while. Maybe she could somehow help you get through this. And I said, maybe that's a good idea. And I went to stay with my mother, and I never went back. See, I can do that. I didn't have to look him in the eye and say, I don't love you, I'm leaving. He said, why don't you go stay with Mom? Great idea, you know, and then I left. And I'm gone. And I never Went Back. I stayed with my folks for a While and saved a little money, and I moved to L.A., and I got a job at an apartment, and I was on my own for the first time. And I remember thinking, moving into that first apartment, Now I can be the person I was meant to be. I felt real sophisticated and grown up. Apparently, the person I was sent to be was a daily drunk because that's what I became from the very first day. My first job in L.A. was for a trucking company and I drank in these bars where these truck drivers drank and I loved them. I really, really loved these bars. There were about five of them that we rotated amongst. One time I was talking at a meeting in California and I mentioned the name of one of these bars and a guy came up to me afterwards and he said, And I used to, he said, I can't believe you drank in that bar. I used drink in that bar and I never, in all the years I drank there, saw a woman in that bar. And I loved it there. You know, I felt special there. And, you know, I would go in there, I'm not even 21 years old yet, and I got a lot of attention in that bar and i just loved it. I was trouble. You know I was always, you know I'm drinking an awful lot and I have this tremendous capacity to drink. I think I can drink a lot under the table and I find that something to be very proud of. And I'll do it at the drop of a hat. I'll prove to you that I can do it. I'm just a lot of trouble. And I worked for that company for about a year. And during that time, my days were all pretty much alike. I'd get up in the morning. Now, I'm young, and so I bounce back real fast in the mornings. I don't have hangovers yet. And I'm healthy, you know, and I'd bounce up inthe morning and go to work at this trucking company. At lunchtime, we'd go out to one of these bars and we'd have three or four drinks and maybe a sandwich and go back to work and finish out the day and get off at 5 and goto one of those bars and stay until 2. I'd cash my checks there on Fridays, and at the end of the 2 o'clock when the bar's closed, I'd take one of those truck drivers home with me. And I'd get up the next day, and I'd do it all over again. Now, when I was drunk in the bar, I felt real special. I felt loved and important. But, you know, you can't stay drunk all the time, and there were moments during the day when... And I'm maybe 19 years old at this time, and things are not well, andI know it. One morning, I was sitting at my desk in this office, and my office was in the warehouse building of this trucking company and my desk was like here and to my right was sort of a picture window that looked out onto the loading dock and I was sitting at that desk one morning and I could sort of feel somebody looking at me and I looked over there on that look and I couldn't hear them because of this window but out on the other side of that window are four or five of these truck drivers standing there whom I had known in the biblical sense, you might say looking at be and talking and laughing and it was humiliating, you know it was just humiliating sitting there cold stone sober in the light of day knowing that that's what they were doing um that's why i left that job you know i i leftthat job because eventually i just couldn't stand going in there and facing those people anymore that'swhy i left every job i ever had because eventually i justcouldn't go in and face those people one more day i never got fired from a job but i left them all for that very same reason now as i was leaving them uh that's not why i you know when i left that one uh i said to myself you know there's no room for advancement at this trucking company i need to find something with a little more chance for upward mobility and so i went and found another job and and i'm a real good secretary so i never had any trouble finding a job i look real good on paper you know and so I'd go in and I'd you know tell them what my skills were and I'd get hired and and Ied work real hard for a while because uh I guess because I'm an alcoholic I'd work seven times harder than anybody in the company, you know. And they'd notice in a couple of months we'd go by and they'd give me a pat on the back or a raise or a little promotion or something. And everybody would just be pleased that Pat's on board now and then I'd relax, you Know. And then I start drinking with my co-workers or the clients or my boss or all of them together. And it was always bad news. And eventually I just couldn't go in and face those people anymore. I am the kind of person that did not get here with friends. The friends I've had over the years were always the people I was working with at that particular time. I'm working at this company, and so people at this company are my friends. And when I quit that job, it is as though they died. You know, I never called them again. They certainly never call me. And now I'm workin' at this coapny, and these people become my new best friends. And I go out with them every night, and I do everything with them. And when I leave that company, it's as though they have died. And that's the way it went for me because I burned people out. You know? I really did. I knew that my life was going know where at a fairly early age i remember sitting in a bar when i was 20 saying to somebody i thought i was a potential alcoholic i have no idea what that is but it sounded good sitting in that bar that night i think i i said potential alcoholic because there's an implication there that there may be a problem but you don't have to do anything today you know sometime when i'm old certainly i mean everybody knows 20 is too young to be an alcoholic i certainly knew that and i had a pretty good job and alcoholics can't work see i was kind of giving this a lot of thought and uh and i had a lot of good reasons why i was not an alcoholic but uh but i did not like myself very much already by the age of 20 i am scott referred to one of the more tacky episodes of my life uh i uh i would get obsessed with with different things i i went through my my maria hutchie phase i uh discovered this bar in san juan capistrano which is about um 60 miles from where I was living. This is not around the corner. Every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night this mariachi band would play in this little cantina in San Juan Capistrano. This was not a high class place. These guys all lived in Tijuana. There were about ten of them. They all lived on Tijuana and they would drive up from Tijuana on Thursday afternoon. They'd play there Thursday, Saturday and Sunday and they'd stay in a local motel and then Sunday night they would all drive back to Tijuana, presumably their wives and many children and then they would come up again the next thursday now i was every thursday friday saturday and sunday night i drove 60 miles one way to um sit and drink in this bar and uh i didn't see i don't have no idea how i discovered this bar i have not just no idea it's incredible to me that i did but there i am i'd walk in the bar and i would uh the first thing i do is hand the bartender my purse everybody knew me they all knew i was there for the night you know had had the bartender in my purse at the end of the night when i left he'd figure out my tab and and I'd pay him, you know. And I'd sit down at this bar and I would start drinking. Now there was a little dance floor in this place where the patrons of this bar could dance and these mariachi players would be playing and the people would be dancing and I had to be getting drunk and requesting songs, you know, it was a general nuisance. At some point during the night one of these mariachis, now these guys were all, I was maybe 20, 19, 20, maybe 21 at this time, these guys all were probably 45 and up None of them spoke English. I just thought they were wonderful. I mean, I couldn't have been more thrilled if it had been a famous rock group. I mean I just would have thought they where wonderful. And I'd sit there getting drunker and drunker and at some point during the night one of these players would put down his instrument and ask me to dance. And I would have that feeling while we'd be moving around the dance floor that the other people in this bar were looking at me with awe and admiration. That they would be thinking, who is she? you know, she must be somebody. She knows all these guys. Well, I knew them all for sure. You know, the one I was dancing with, that's the one I was going to the motel with that night. That's what that was all about and it was real tacky. It was one of the tackier things I've ever done and I did it for a long time. I went there every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night for a long time I don't remember why I stopped going there. I don' t remember anything happening or any particularly bad incident. I just got into something else and drifted off and started doing something else, you know, and that's how I did everything in my life. I woke up one day in a Skid Row hotel room with a man that didn't speak any English. I don't know why men that don't speak English keep popping up, but there it is. This was a terrible place. It was a weekday morning. I had to go to work. It was about 6 o'clock in the morning when I wokeup and there wasn't going to be time to go home and shower and change. I knew I'd have to go directly to work from where I was And I felt just awful. You know, it was kind of like a real moment of clarity. How have I gotten here? How has this happened to me? I got up and I went down the hall to find the bathroom and try to pull myself into some kind of shape to go to work. And I went back to this room to get my things and this man held out some money to me because that's what he thought I was. Evidently, it's what I was, I took his money. I did not feel very good about it. You know when I drove away from there, I felt real bad. I felt old and tired and just dirty, you know. And I knew, I remember driving through the streets of downtown L.A. that morning and I remember thinking, just feeling filled with despair and knowing that it would probably happen again. Knowing that I had absolutely no control over my life and I had no hope. I remember that morning and I was in a coma and I said, I had absolute no hope I was 20 years old or so then I didn't get sober until I was 30 had a lot of fun years left in there I remember thinking that morning I never was a person who thought seriously about suicide I suppose because of whatever religious training I had as a child but I remember that morning and other mornings like it thinking, you know Pat, you're 20 years old or 22 or whatever on any given day and you're in reasonably good physical health there's every reason to expect you could live another 40 or 50 years doing this and the thought was really terrifying You know, I couldn't imagine how I could possibly stand to do that. But I had no idea that there was a way out, you know, no idea at all. It occurred to me that perhaps I drank too much. I'm not a stupid woman, I'm here to tell you. And so I thought, you Know, I ought to try to, by now I've neglected to mention I'm now married again to a man that I met in a bar because that's where I meet people. And we lived together for a while and we got married. And my drinking changed. You know, we got married and we started fighting. Now, he drank a lot or I would never have married him. It turns out he didn't drink quite as much as I did. And my drink was a little bit of an issue. But it was actually kind of the perfect marriage. He was a compulsive gambler. And so we kind of balanced each other well. His friends, in fact, thought that I was the perfect wife because they all were gamblers like him. And they, you know, these guys all wanted to go to the track every night. and their wives wanted them to come home sometimes and spend time playing with the children and being husbands. They would nag their husbands. I never did. By now, I preferred it when he was gone. I preferred him to go out every night because then it left me at peace to drink the way I wanted to drink. There his friends are thinking, God, what a great wife you have. They're running off to the track and I'm sitting there in my living room getting drunk in a purple bathrobe every night. It occurred to me that perhaps if I didn't drink, life would be better. And so I started trying to quit drinking. I'm a bright woman. Clearly, if you're an alcoholic or if you drink too much, you ought to just not drink. I mean, it doesn't take a mental giant to figure all this out, so I won't drink. I'll finish this up tonight, and then tomorrow I'm going to stop. Now also, I'm getting a little bit older. I'm not bouncing back quite so fast in the morning. And so, I'd wake up in the moring, and it was kind of easy to have that resolve. I'm no going to drink today. And this is going to, you know, I've got to do this. I've Got to break this pattern somehow. I'm not going to drink today and it's going to be a whole new me. Maybe I'll start taking some physical exercise, you know, and really get myself into shape and it'll be great and I can get a new job and maybe get rid of this husband and my life will be great. You know, it really will be great now and I go off to work and I'd have that strong resolve by God. This is going To be it, you know, the problem with it is I'm an alcoholic, you know, get home from work at five o'clock and there'd be maybe a half a fifth of scotch sitting there on the kitchen sink and i would say to myself god it's going to be hard to quit with this open bottle just sitting here staring at me what i'll do is i'll drink this down and then tomorrow when there's nothing in the house i'll quit it'll be a lot easier to do then made a lot of sense to me at the time the problem is i am an alcoholic and by the time i get close to the bottom of that bottle i'd have to call the liquor store and order a new one and uh the next day i'd Have about a half of his scotch there and i'd say to myself gee it's going to be hard to quit with this open bottle here i'll drink this down tonight and i didn't do that once or twice i did it a lot and i meant it every time i meant every time by now i was drinking mostly at home um for a lot of reasons i i had started uh shortly after this husband i got married i'd started getting arrested and i did not care for that at all and uh and never for i never had a drunk driving my arrests were for um glamorous things like um drunk and disorderly on main street downtown you know um it's hard to uh drunk driving there's a certain at least in my mind a certain almost sort of glamour to it you know it implies that perhaps you were drinking at a classy place you know and we're just on your way home uh the places i got arrested there was just no way to clean it up it was what it was you know there was no way to make it sound or look pretty and uh and then this husband is talking to me about this drinking So I had started drinking at home for the most part. And I wasn't getting in much trouble there at home, you know. I was just sitting in that rocking chair in a purple bathrobe drinking every night until I passed out. Nothing much was happening to me. By now, I did not know what was happening. I know today alcohol was stopping to work for me. I didn't know that then. I just knew that I was sitting there and getting physically drunk, but I couldn't turn my head off, you Know. No matter how much I drank, no matter how many times I drank. No matter much I drink, the fear and the pain and the loneliness and all of those feelings were still there. and I just couldn't make them go away. The magic of alcohol had stopped. I didn't know that once it stops, it's gone. I kept trying and trying to get it back. By now, I dealt with this liquor store that delivered because I knew that I couldn't drive after I'd been drinking and I also, by the end, would come home from work and I knew exactly how much... It's funny, I remembered the amount for a long time. I can't remember it now, But I knew exactly how much the check would be for the fifth of scotch, two packs of cigarettes, and the tip for the delivery guy. And I would come home from work. There'd be a half a fifth of Scotch in there, but I'd come home from work and I'd make that check out to the liquor store and I just leave it there. And then when I called the liquor star, it was already, because by then it was hard to write checks after I had started drinking. And so I, um, and I never thought that was particularly peculiar. I, you know, I was like, I'm an organized person. You know, I plan ahead and um so that's why I did that uh I also now I'm in blackouts all the most all the time now and it's uh you know when I was 13 having blackouts I thought they were kind of cute if we'd all laugh and giggle about do you remember what you did yesterday and no I didn't and it was never too terrible and we'd have I thought I was awfully precious then when you're in your mid-20s and you're married and your husband uh he didn't think they were precious at all he'd go you don't remember. And I didn't remember major things. One time he had won something like $9,000 at the track and he came home and flung $100 bills all over and I didn' t remember it the next day. The next morning I said did you win? And he could not believe that I didn''t remember. I can't believe it myself but anyhow I started trying to hide my blackouts from him. God what a lot of work. I would write myself notes at night. What I could remember to do. I didn ''t do this every night. But I would write myself notes uh and i would put i kept this pad and pencil under my side of the bed and i'd get up in the morning and i würde read this note and try to figure out um how to act you know i would i would write things on this piece of paper like speaking not speaking discuss divorce uh kind of the highlights of the evening you might say so i would know whether to kiss him or just get out of the way or you know whatever and i did that for a long time i never i did that is like you brush your teeth i mean that's just something i sort of my little daily routine and i never thought that was odd uh i stopped doing it again i don't remember why i suppose because i had trouble reading the writing i do remember having trouble reading my note many mornings uh i guess i waited just a little too long to write it you know but uh i uh i remember sitting in a rocking chair and one morning one hot summer morning it must have been either a weekend or maybe it was the 4th of july but it was morning and i was drunk already and i was sitting there and it was had to be 110 and wearing this purple flannel bathrobe sweat is just pouring off of me uh and i'm sitting in that rocking chair looking we lived in a second floor apartment which looked down into the neighbor's front yard and the neighbors were a young couple in their 20s about my age and they had two little children and this particular day the kids were playing in the sprinklers on the front lawn and the parents were sitting on the porch steps talking and laughing and I watched them up there from my apartment drunk and I cried watching them because I wanted what those people had I wanted to live like a normal person and I knew that day I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I could not do it I knew if God came along and said here you are Pat and he just handed me this great normal life that I couldn't do it for two days running and I know I knew it I had no hope that day none I had no idea there was any hope or that there ever would be I do not know how long it was from that day until the day I called Alcoholics Anonymous somewhere between three months and three years. I just have no idea. But one night, I picked up the phone and called Alcoholic Anonymous. I was drunk when I called. I have no ideia what triggered the notion to call that night, but I did. I called information and asked for the number and they gave me the central office number and I called and a very nice man answered the phone and he asked me if I was having a problem with alcohol and I started to cry and allowed that I was and he talked to me for a long time and he told me a lot about himself actually much more than I cared to know I wanted to talk about me but he rambled on and on about himself but he was very kind and I was touched by that he kind of wound down finally and he wanted to know if I wanted some women to come to my house I said no, I don't think I'm that bad he said well you don't have to do that it was a Friday when I called he said do you think you could not take a drink tomorrow and go to a meeting that I'll tell you about that's not too far from your house tomorrow night at 8.30 and I said yeah, I thought I could do that And so he told me where our meeting was, and I went to bed, I guess. The next morning I got up, and then I remembered making the call, first of all, which was kind of amazing because I was in blackouts a lot, but I remembered taking the call and I remembered some of what he had said and I remember where he said that meeting was. Now it didn't seem like nearly such a good idea the next morning, but I couldn't get it out of my mind all day long. It was just kind of right back there. I couldn'T shake it loose. That night I found myself saying to my husband at dinner, I'm going to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. He was underwhelmed at best. We were not speaking, had not been on really cordial terms in a long time. Excuse me. And I don't think he cared that night whether I lived or died. I didn't care whether he did either, so that was all right. But I went off to my first meeting of alcoholics anonymous and my life literally has not been the same since. You know, I went to that meeting and I got there. I remember dressing with some care. i uh you know i wanted i knew you know i knew that this might be important somehow and i wanted to i didn't want to seem too casual like i had a cavalier attitude about it on the other hand i didn'T want to appear overdressed like i was too eager or something i don'T know and i remember changing clothes several times which is kind of astounding when i consider the outfit that i eventually wound up with which was baggy jeans and sort of a knit top thing that had certainly seen better days years before in thongs and uh and so there i am in my splendor and i went off to this meeting it's 8 25 at night and uh i am sick i had not had a drink i knew that you shouldn't drink before you went to a meeting so i didn't but it's eight twenty five and i haven't had a drank all day and i need one real bad i'm sick and i'm shaking and uh sweat is just pouring off of me and uh I'm gonna cry any minute and I'm standing there were pillars there's a big meeting about three or four hundred people and there are pillars in this room around there and i stood way in the back of the room before the meeting started behind one of these pillars just shaking and wondering what was going to happen and a man came up to me and asked me if I was new and I remember thinking my God out of all these people he picked me out that's incredible this is really something and I acknowledged that I was and he introduced me to some women and they got me a big book and a seat and the meeting was over and the reading started and a guy by the name of Norm A talked that night and he made me laugh you know I did not know what was happening that night I did not know that I was laughing laughter of identification. I just knew that when he was talking, I felt okay for the first time in a very, very long time. The minute he stopped talking, that feeling went right away. But just for the time when he wasn't talking, what I got is hope. You know, I got hope that first night. Now, I've got a lot of phone numbers from these women, a handful of phone members, and I went home and I certainly didn't call any of them. I mean, you were clearly very busy together people. I was not. And I couldn't imagine that you really meant it when you said call anytime. I mean, come on. Don't be ridiculous. And so I didn't call anybody. But I did take that big book home, and I sat up all night that night, and I read it cover to cover. And I thought, this is fabulous. I'm going to go to that meeting every Saturday night and do this thing. Now, I heard you say go to a lot of meetings. I thought every Saturday would be a lot. It seemed like a lot to me. I didnít drink until Friday, six days I did not have a drink. I had not been sober six days in a row for at least 12 years. maybe longer, 12 that I know for sure and I was astounded that each day it was like and I didn't want to drink I didnít think about it, I didnís crave a drink I just was not drinking and on the one hand I thought this is really arrogant I thought well of course Iím not drinking Iím an AA member now but on the other hand every day it Was like God this is amazing Iím not even drinking and I donít even want to this is astounding but on Friday night I was struck drunk I don't know how it happened I was sitting in a bar drinking a diet Pepsi minding my own business and the next thing I know I'm drinking scotch and I'm drunk and I felt real bad about it and I went back to that meeting on Saturday night again and I raised my hand for being under a week and I thought all 400 people were looking at me and thinking what a loser I was and a bunch more women came up and gave me their phone numbers again and one of these women suggested that this works a little better if you actually call one of those numbers that she had found that to be somewhat more successful and I drank a couple more times that week and then I finally called her on Wednesday and drunk and she said why don't she said I think you need a sponsor and I said well yeah I've heard y'all talk about that what is a sponsor and she explained to me you know a sponsor is somebody who has gone this way before you who's worked these steps and can help you work them and show you how she or he has stayed sober so I said fine would you be my sponsor and she says she would and so I met her at the meeting the next night And that was August 28, 1975. And it has not been necessary for me to take a drink or use any mind-altering chemicals since that time. And I'm very grateful for that. Thank you. I met her that night. And the first thing she did is she sat down with one of the meeting directories of the local meetings. And she started circling meetings. And she said, now on Monday night you'll go here. And on Tuesday night, I want to see you here. And I said, wait a minute, I'm a married woman. I can't possibly go to a meeting every night. She said, well, perhaps you can get sober doing this differently. But if you want me to be your sponsor, I wantto see you at these various meetings. And she said, this is how I got sober. And the only thing I have to share with you is my experience, strength and hope. And this is what I did. This is how i did it. So if you wanted to do it some other way, that's fine. But you'll just have to have somebody else for your sponsor. Now, I didn't know this woman. I'd known her three minutes maybe total. but I remember feeling just panicked inside that if I said I wouldn't do it that this woman was going to walk away from me and I'd lose her and I found myself saying, okay, I'll do it but he is not going to like it. I was right. He didn't like it and I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and we started fighting about AlcoholicsAnonymous. You know, I thought that I had the saddest life of anybody who had ever set foot through the doors of AlcoholicsAnotomous. I really honest to God did. i know you all said that thinking your case was different was you know everybody did but my case really was really you know and i knew you didn't really understand the pain and the agony i was enduring uh although i certainly was willing to tell you i mean i told i would tell anybody who would just even pause for breath i'd tell him how i felt about everything but uh but i kept coming back which is the key you know i kept going back no matter what uh i started going you know for years today I understand why he was upset for years this man knew where I was I was drunk in a purple bathrobe in a rocking chair in the living room night after night now I'm gone every night you know and I'm not drinking and I am sure he was pleased that I wasn't drinking but I am gone every night now he he thought I was coming to Alcoholics Anonymous to meet Min which was kind of a joke I had cheated on him all the years of our married life until I came to Alcoholic Anonymous and I got here and nobody was interested it was so humiliating And it really ticked me off to be accused of something I was not now presently doing, you know. I did, I must tell the truth, I did cheat on him once in sobriety. I was about ten months sober and I spotted this newcomer guy across the room and he had a shaved head and a Fu Manchu mustache and I thought, God, is he for me? And I leaped across about twelve rows of chairs to introduce myself to him and my sponsor was standing up she noticed this little action going on and she called me over and said let's not forget Pat that you're a married woman and you know you ought to try to act that way and I said yeah but I'm unhappily married and she said well nonetheless you are married and so long as you are marriage you should conduct yourself as such and I says fine I'll get divorced and she says well no you can't make any major decisions in your first year and I think that's lousy and one thing led to another and I wound up in bed with this guy and now I'm a married women so obviously he can't come to my house, right? He was a newcomer who worked in a porn bookstore at the time. I can pick him, you know. I was working in Hollywood at a record company and this porn bookstore was not too far from where I was workin' and he didn't have a car. So on my lunch hour one day I went and picked him up at the porn bookstore and we went to a motel on Sunset Boulevard and we were drinking and we had a conversation and we all went to bed and it occurred to me afterwards that this was very much like I used to live when I was drinking and it made me feel real bad real bad I did not know what I was feeling I knew that I was going to have to tell my sponsor about it and I was terrified to do that and I got up the nerve I told her that night thank God I didn't walk around with that one for days on end I told er that night and I said I feel real bad and I don't know why and she said what you're feeling is guilt Pat that's guilt and I says oh I didn' t know I didn''t recognize that emotion and she says you've learned an important lesson you've learnt that you probably are not the kind of person who can cheat on her husband and stay sober and you didn't have to drink to learn that. So, you know, I'd take that as a lesson well learned and try not to forget it and I have tried to remember that. Anyhow, to go back, I'm brand new and I'm in these meetings and I're crying all the time. You know, I come home from work, we'd have dinner, we'd be driving to the meeting, I'd be sobbing hysterically. It's not worth it. If this is sobriety, I can't do it. I hate the way I'm living. I'm unhappy all the times. I'm fighting with my husband. Those people don't understand over there at AA. I can'T do it I'll go to their damn meeting tonight because I'm already out of the house, but this is the last one I'm going to. I cannot live. I might as well be drunk. Thank God I always went to the meeting that night because I always got exactly what I needed. I would get just the one little thing I needed, the one Little Piece of Hope, you know, to get through the fight the next night, literally, you now. And it wasn't necessarily always something from the podium. Sometimes I would overhear something in the bathroom line or, you kno, it just seemed like if I got myself to the meeting and was willing to be there that I would get whatever it was I needed to keep coming back and I did. You know, I would talk to anybody who would listen about how sad my life was in this horrible marriage and you would say things to me, you'd pat me sort of, I thought condescendingly and you'd say things like, keep coming back, it gets better a day at a time now I don't know about you but when I'm in the middle of a major life problem, that is not a satisfactory answer to me. I want something a little more concrete, a little bit more and a little more today. But that's the kind of stuff you would let go and let God. That does nothing for me. It didn't then, it does now. But I kept coming back. One night I was about three or four months sober and I walked into one of my home group meetings and I was crying and a man in my group said, hello Pat, how are you? I thought he cared so I started to tell him. Well, my husband said and I said and he cut me right off in mid-sentence and he said, I don't want to listen to that. Why don't you go talk to a newcomer? and maybe you'd feel better. Boy, I hated that man. I stood there and I thought, I'm a newcomer, why don't you talk to me? Maybe you'd fill in for me. I didn't say that. But I sure thought it. I really did. And he said, and there's one over there. And he pointed to this girl and then he stood there looking at me. And I thought I'm going to have to go talk to this girls because if I don't this guy is never going to speak to me again. He will tell my sponsor who will fire me on the spot so I better go talk with this girl. And this was maybe the most important night of my sobriety. I remember walking across the floor I did not care whether this girl lived or died I only went over there because this guy was still looking at me and I knew he would tell my sponsor and I went over and I stuck out my hand and I said hi, my name is Pat the girl who was with her who had brought her to the meeting said oh Pat, I'm so glad to see you it's her first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I've been waiting for you because we've been sitting here talking about coming to AA and I know you're the right person to talk to you know how things flash in your mind real quick I stood there and I thought well, I don't have any answer AA doesn't work, look at me I kind of neglected to notice that I was sober there I just could see poor me but I also thought in that same sort of split second I thought, well, it doesn't look good it doesn' t work for me, but it might work for her it seems to be working for some of these other people I really ought to try to say something encouraging or positive so this girl will come back I thought a moment and couldn't really think of anything encouraging or positive I opened my mouth and I found myself saying keep coming back, it gets better a day at a time I thought your nose was going to grow this is really a lie, I felt like such a hypocrite as I said it was a real important night when I walked away from that girl that night I wasn't willing, maybe a minute and a half I'm not going to give her too much of my time but when I walked away from her I was not crying what I learned that night is this when I am thinking about you I cannot simultaneously be thinking about me and therefore I feel better it says in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous something to the effect that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as working with another alcoholic it was true that night and I'm grateful that I was willing for whatever reason just so my sponsor would keep talking to me to walk over there and talk to that girl because it worked that night and I learned it that night and it works today. I sponsor a lot of women in Alcoholics Anonymous today and I tell every one of them to call me in the morning before they go to work. I tell them it's a good way for them to start their day. I have no idea what it does for them, but it sure is a great way for me to start my day, you know? Because by the time I'm done talking to them and I get in the car and I'm driving to work, I'm thinking about them. You know, I got... I mean, they're all screwed up. You know? They've got a lot of problems and so I'm thinking what can I do for this one and what would be the best way to help her and I'm so busy thinking about them that before I know it I'm at work and I haven't even thought about myself once and so it's a real great way for me to start my day anyhow I kept coming back I started trying to work these steps I didn't want to I was willing to do some of them but I picked out certain ones that very first night I read the book I picked up the ones I wasn't going to do probably the same ones you weren't crazy about four and five were ones that I wasn t interested in doing I knew what you wanted in the inventory I knew you wanted my secrets and I had a couple for sure that I knew I could never possibly share with anyone I knew it but one day the sponsor said to me you know I think it's time to start writing your inventory Pat and I said okay now I've been sober a while by then and I thought well and I was willing by that time you know to share most of it a lot of bad stuff I was willing to tell her just those couple of things you know and I felt well she doesn't know about those couple of things so I'll just write about all this other stuff and she won't know I left anything out because she doesn' t know what these things are and everybody will be happy. Except the problem with that was every time I sat down to write on my inventory, all I could think about were these secrets. My pen wouldn't move. That's all I Could Think About. So I did that for several nights in a row, stared at the paper and finally I thought with my keen mind, well, you know, it's probably therapeutic to write these secrets down. I'm certainly never going to read this to anybody but I'll write this stuff down and maybe somehow that will be of some benefit to me and that is how I became willing to complete my fourth step thoroughly and honestly. I knew I would never read it to anyone. And I got it finished, and one Thursday night she said to me, have you finished your inventory? And I said yes. And she said, come over Tuesday night and read it for me. Now first of all, that's a cruel thing to do to someone. You know, now I've got four days to think about this. And think about it, I did. I knew that I couldn't read that part to her. I knew it. And I considered dropping out of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I did want to stay sober. It was a real dilemma. But, again, I'm a bright woman. And so I thought, well, she doesn't know those secrets are there. And so what I'll do, you know, I knew right where on the first page the secrets ended and the next thought started. Now, she hasn't known that stuff's in there. So I'll just start reading right here in the middle of the page where the next thoughts starts. And she will never know I have left anything out because she does not know that it even exists. And that's how I became willing to drive over to her house that night. I got there and I sat down and I pulled out my pad of paper and I'm ready to start reading. and she said, well now wait a minute before we get started let's get down on our knees and say a little prayer I was kind of embarrassed I never prayed in anyone's living room before it felt real awkward to me but you know when it's your sponsor, you just do it and I got down on my knees and she said something like, dear God please help Pat be honest can you believe it? you know, I went around the next day to all my friends on the program who had done their inventories and I said, did your sponsor do that? and they all said no. Apparently as near as I could determine my sponsor was the only sponsor in the history of Alcoholics Anonymous to do that. And I'm grateful that she did. I read the whole thing. And it was hard. It was hard to read those words, but once they were out, it was not a big deal, you know? What I felt when I drove away from her house that night was real committed to AlcoholicsAnonymous for the first time. I felt that night driving away from our house like maybe I really could make it here, and it was a real good feeling. I made a sponsor change when I was about a year and a half sober because I wanted what this other woman had. She had happy, joyous sobriety. I did not have that. I was not drinking and I was trying to work these steps but I wasnot happy and joyous in my sobriete by any possible stretch of the imagination. And this woman became my sponsor and we started talking about this bad marriage that I was in and she said to me, You know, Pat, I've watched you around here for a year and a half. You've whined and cried about this marriage and why don't you try to act like you're a kind and loving wife? And I said, Well, whatever you say but I don't think this marriage can be saved. I really think we'd been married, I don't know, nine years by then maybe. And I said, you know, I think that this marriage has gone too far. I don' t think it can be saved. I think we hate each other too much. And she said to me, well, it may be that someday you'll have to walk away from it. But wouldn' t it be nice if in the meanwhile, between now and that time, a day at a time, you just tried to act as though you were a kind and loving wife? Maybe if you did that, then if you do have to work away down the line somewhere, you'd be able to do it without any guilt because maybe you could make some amends in there. no guilt is what got my attention I had a lot of guilt you know I mentioned I cheated on him always and I had a lot of guilt for that and most of it he didn't know about but I knew about it clearly I read all that stuff about amends in the book and it says you can't make amends when to do so would injure them or others so clearly I could not go home and say by the way dear I cheated on you for years and I'm sorry this was clearly not the way to handle that but there didn't seem to you know that was another one I would talk about it to people in meetings. They'd say things like, well, sometimes you just have to be a good wife a day at a time. You know, those are not good answers for me. But when this woman said, maybe if I did it, I could have no guilt, I became willing to try it. I thought I knew something about being a wife. I didn't know anything. She taught me everything I know about it. The first direction she gave me in this regard was every day when I came home from work, I was to ask him how his day went and listen while he told me. And I didnít care how his days had gone. I really did not care. And I told her that, and she said, It doesn't matter if this is an AA direction. You'll just do it. And your direction is you must listen for at least 10 minutes. So the first night I went home, and I said, How was your day? I left the room after 10 minutes, but you know what? I was driving to the meeting that night, and I felt a little bit better, and I couldn't figure out why because we still had a fight that night when I leftthe house, but I felta little bitbetter. I know today why I felt better. I felt better because I was no longer wallowing around in the problem I was now into the solution and when I get into the solution I always feel better I didn't really understand that then but I understand it real well today she taught me some real basic stuff like treat him with courtesy there's an idea huh just never would have occurred to me patience that was a hard one that was real hard but time passed you know this always sounds real fast when I'm making a talk but close to a year maybe. One night I was saying my prayers and I realized that I was comfortable in that house, in that marriage with that man and it had not happened that afternoon. It had happened a long time before and I missed it. That's incredible. But I was so busy in the solution that I had sort of forgotten about the problem and I had missed the moment when it changed. I was real grateful that night. I remember saying to God that night, God, I believe that if this is where you mean for me to be married to this man that I could stay married to him and stay sober and have a happy and joyous life. And that was the first night that I thanked God for anything. Well, I had been thanking Him for my sobriety only. I did not think I had anything else to be grateful for. And that night I thanked Him for this good feeling that I had. I couldn't believe that those simple little things had worked, you know. I actually kind of thought that night that it really wasn't those things I had done that somehow He had changed. You know, it could not have been this stuff. It couldn't have been. But I was grateful that for whatever reason it had changed Not too long after that, we found out that he had cancer. My immediate reaction to that, because this is the kind of person I am, is I wish this would have happened when I hated him. See, right away I'm thinking about how is this going to affect me? Never mind that this poor man is going to die. How am I going to feel? That's the kind OF person I AM and that's the KIND OF person I still AM today. The difference between then and now and prior to coming to Alcoholics Anonymous is that I don't act on those kind of selfish emotions nearly so much as I used to. I went and talked to my sponsor right away about how I felt about that, and she kind of laughed at me, and she said, Pat, you've had bad feelings towards this man most of your married life, and you've just acted like a kind and loving wife, and they went away. Why don't you just go home tonight and act like a good person? You're not a kind or loving wife. And so I did that, and that feeling went away." He was sick for a year and a half, and it was hard. There's no way to say that it wasn't. It was real hard. he was real sick off and on it was the hardest year of my sobriety but it was also up to that point the best year and if you're new I just can't explain that just take my word for it it was far and away the best years of our marriage and that was because of you because of Alcoholics Anonymous because of the things you taught me here about acting like a kind and loving wife I had become a kind and loving life and I was there and believable you know what I mean he knew that I wasn't just there because he was sick but because that's where I wanted to be and I was real grateful that I stayed he died and I went down to the mortuary and made the arrangements and I made him at this little chapel over in Westwood and I figured it was big enough for his friends and I got over there the day of the funeral and there were a couple hundred people from my home group there none of those people had ever met him but they were there that day because they knew that I needed them and it was really an incredible feeling And I remember sitting during the funeral that day and realizing that what my sponsor had promised me was true. I had no guilt. Somewhere in there, a day at a time, by acting like a kind and loving wife to this man, I had apparently made my amends to him because sitting there that day in the funeral, there was absolutely no guilt." I felt real clean and whole about that, you know? I was very grateful that I had stayed. You know, a lot of people get to Alcoholics Anonymous with bad marriages. If you're married, chances are it's bad when you get to AA. and sometimes people have to separate for whatever reasons and I always feel kind of sad when they do because that's what I wanted to do and I would have missed so much just so much it just gives me chills sometimes because my best judgment told me get out that's the only answer after he died I started dating a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous a lot of you know I never dated a friend before every relationship I've ever had I would meet somebody who would go to bed and then we would embark on a relationship maybe. And Vince had been my friend during all of my sobriety. And, you know, if you'd told me when I was new, someday Pat, you and Vince are going to get married and you're going to have this incredible... I would have said, no, no. Don't be silly. That's Vince. He's my friend. And yet we fell in love and we did indeed get married. We had an AA wedding. If you're new, this will just make you sick. We got married in the backyard of a friend on the program and his sponsor gave me away and my sponsor was the matron of honor and an AA lady played the piano and an AAA fellow sang and some AA women prepared the food and served it and about 300 of our most intimate AA friends were there and it was great. You know, it was really great. I remember we had been thinking when we were talking about getting married this was not hardly the first marriage for either of us and we thought, you know, it's probably not kind of silly to have a huge thing and this was a big thing and this is not a formal wedding it was an outdoor garden kind of informal thing but to invite this many people is probably somehow in bad taste when you've been married this many times, and yet it was exactly the right thing to do. It was exactlythe right thingto do. And I looked around that yard that day during the reception, and I realized that there were old-timers there and newcomers. There were newcomers whose names I didn't even know, but I felt real close to those people because they were members of my home group. I felt as close to the newcomers in that yardthat day whose namesI didn't know as I do to my own mother, or maybe closer, you know, maybe closer. my other major problem when I got sober was my relationship with my stepfather my parents were divorced when I was 6 and my mother remarried when I Was 8 years old to my step father so basically I was raised by my mother and step father and I really did not like this man there was stuff going on in my house when I grew up that shouldn't have been going on and I had real good reason to hate him anybody would agree yes you have good reason to hate them and I did and I didn't see any problem with that I mean, clearly there was a reason, and so, you know, it's not my problem. But I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and you told me, and when you're thinking about something, it seems like every time you go to a meeting people are talking about that. And I kept hearing people talk about justifiable resentments killing alcoholics, and it seemed like they were screaming it from the podium right at me. And I really resented this man, andso I talked to him. Well, I wrote about it in my inventory, and it was suggested that I might have to make amends to this man. And I thought, well, wait a minute now. Maybe you weren't listening. You know, clearly if there's a bad guy here, it is him. I have no amends to make. I was a little kid when this stuff was going on. I don't see that I have any amends to make to make me. And it was pointed out to me that he was not an alcoholic synonymous and we were not concerned with his program or spiritual growth. We were concerned with mine. And I was simply unwilling to acknowledge that perhaps I had something to make amends for. So I dismissed the idea. I started on some of my other amends when the appropriate time came. I remember the first amend I made was to my real father. I had never been particularly close to him, but I did owe him an amends for some emotional things and also some money. My relationship with my father is I have lunch with him maybe three or four times a year. It happened that just about the time I got to that step, my dad called me for one of these lunches. I thought, well, clearly God means for me to do this. He just put him in my path right there, so I'll do it. This will be great. I kind of thought he'd be one of the easiest amends, and so it was probably a good one to start with kind of you know to get my nerve up and so he came and picked me up that day for lunch and God I was nervous I couldn't I just could hardly think and he's talking and I can't even hear what he's saying because I'm thinking how am I going to start here what you know exactly what do you say you know by the way dad I mean I just was a wreck we got to this restaurant and went in and I'm just so nervous and I just gotta I just got to say this and get it over with so I got my mouth open to talk and the waiter comes by and interrupts you know and I thought well God doesn't mean for me to do this or he never would have had this guy interrupt so clearly today is not the day and then the waiter went away you know and then there was this kind of long silence and I thought well maybe I am supposed to do it just about the time I'm ready my dad started talking about something and God I couldn't eat I was just this crazy woman and lunch is over and he's driving me back to my office and I haven't said anything of any importance whatsoever and I'm thinking well you know clearly if God wanted me to do this God would have given me the time so you know six months from now when we have our next lunch is probably what he means for me to be able to do that we pulled up in front of my office i worked at the time at the corner of sunset and vine which is like a major major corner in hollywood and he sort of just double parked there so i could hop out of the car and run in and i turned to him and i said dad i need to talk to you and uh i guess he could see something in my eyes because he pulled around the corner into a parking lot and we talked and it was fine you know i made my amends to him when i started paying um the money that i owed him and i um i still in fact i'm sending him checks and i send a nice little note every month with the check i'm almost done paying that off you know and uh it makes me feel real good for a while i just sent checks and uh then i heard somebody talk one time and they said that they always send a nice little note along with it uh you know just kind of like what i've been doing in the last month or so and uh and i started doing that and uh but i noticed uh every once in a while i get real busy and i wouldn't send the note and i always feel better when i put the note in there so i try to always do that anyhow um i uh so i'm making these other amends but i'm simply not willing to look at this deal with my stepfather the problem is the longer i'm sober uh the bigger this is getting you know it's like the more i'm thinking about it and uh the angrier i am i uh when i go down to visit my folks uh you know i'm just real uncomfortable when he's in the room i i'm you knowit's just a it's just getting to be a bigger and bigger problem i finally went back and talked to my sponsor and said okay i you know if you think it'll help i don't see what i possibly have amends to make though i mean it just really doesn't make any sense to me and she He said, well, Pat, you made amends to your mother for the things we do to our mothers. The grief, the anguish, the worry and all that stuff we put them through when we were growing up. She said, you did that to your father. To your mother. He was living in that house too. Presumably he felt some grief or anguish or worry when you were out there drinking and living your life. So why don't you just sort of take that same bundle of things you made a menace to your mother for and make a menance to him for that too. See, the problem with that is I love my mother and I really was sorry that I caused you those things. I do not love this man, so I don't care. If he was a little worried, so what? That's kind of the way I feel about that. But I don' t want to feel this way anymore, so I said, okay, this isn' t going to work. I can guarantee you this isn't going to work, but I' ll do it. Then she said, now I'm ready to jump in the car and drive out there. Then she says, no, no. You've got to read in the big book and also in the 12 and 12. It talks in there about some of these difficult amends where they were bad guys too. We have to stick to the subject. We're not going over there to mention anything that they did. We're there to talk about what we did. and I read that over and over again every day for a month before I thought that I could do it without taking his inventory. And so I went over there, and I was not particularly gracious, and I just said it, andI said it as fast as I could, and I left right after because I was afraid that if I stayed very long I would get off into what he had done to me, and so I just went and sort of spit my stuff out and left. And I went back to my sponsor, and l said, Well, these steps don't work because I don't feel any better. I feel exactly the same way towards him that I always have she said you're going to have to do more and I said what do you mean more and she said well daily living amends kind of like you did with that late husband a day at a time you're gonna have to act like a kind and loving daughter to this man what an order I can't go through with it I really didn't think that I could again though now it's like every meeting I go to people are talking about their parents and things they do for their parents and every meeting, and I finally became willing to consider that by now I could see that it had worked with that husband, and maybe it would work. I mean, I didn't believe that it would possibly, but I didn' t have a better idea, and I did not want to feel this way anymore because I didn''t want to drink, and I was afraid if I didn ''t get rid of this that I would drink over it. And so I started acting like a kind and loving daughter. The first thing I did was when I used to call my mother, and I still do call mymother maybe once a week or so, And, you know, I'd always, when he answered the phone, I'd say, hi, let me talk to mom. Now I started saying, hello, how are you? Let me talkto mom. And it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was a real big deal the first few times I did it, you know. Then somebody suggested to me that, you know, a kind and loving daughter would probably chat a little bit with him too. I had absolutely nothing in the world I was interested in chatting with him about, but I allowed us how that was probably true. And so I would think of two topics of conversation before I dialed the phone. I think of them as generic topics. There couldn't be anything really important about me, but if I'd seen a movie that week, that was a suitable topic. Something amusing that happened at work. Current events, world events, those were suitable. And so I'd call and if he'd answer, I'd say, hello, how are you? And he'd respond and I'd talk about my first topic and he'd response and then I'd ask to talk to my mom. And they were real uncomfortable conversations and for a long time I had to write my topics down on a piece of paper in front of me before I had dialed the phone. But eventually I got to where I could sort of think about them and not write them down. And I just did that. You know, it didn't seem to me like anything was changing but I didn't have a better idea so I kept doing it. Then Christmas was coming up and somebody said, you know, a kind and loving daughter would not rush out on Christmas Eve and pick up a shirt or a tie. A kind and lovely daughter would probably put just a little more thought into it than that. Mike tried to get something that he actually would use or like, you know. that's probably true so I couldn't he's a real hard person to shop for I couldn' t think of anything but I thought if I just go out there into the stores and I have an open mind and I'm looking something will you know see I've always believed not always but since I started doing various things that I can ask God for help and He'll give it to me if I do my part I can't just ask Him for help and then lay back and wait for Him to make inspiration strike for example in this case because it never happens but if I ask them for the help and then I go out and do my footwork something will happen so I asked them for help and I went out in the stores and I was in this needlepoint shop and there was a little deal hanging on the wall to needlepoint you know and put a frame around and hang up on the walls a little saying about fathers and daughters it was the most sickening sweet saying you have ever and I thought that's probably the kind of a kind and loving daughter would probably do that I'm certainly not going to do it but that's probably the kind of thing they meant I walk around this needlepoint shop and this thing is like following me so I bought it if you know anything about needlepoint it takes a long time a lot of hours went into this and I did my very nicest work I really was careful with it and I never for a moment felt the sentiment but I did it and I got a real nice frame for it and I wrapped it up and I took it over there at Christmas there was a moment when we were opening our gifts that year he opened that up and he got a little tear in the corner of his eye. And just for a second, just that fast, I thought you're doing the right thing here, Pat. It was really a spiritual experience. It was the most incredible feeling. It went right away. But that feeling kept me willing to keep trying, willing to try to think of new ways to act like a kind and loving daughter. And I didn't start doing this until I was, I don't know, maybe five years sober. I didn' t rush into this whole deal here. Maybe four years sober I kept doing that kind of thing and I'd listen in meetings when people would say things that they did for their parents I would adapt the things that I thought I could live with you know and do them and a couple years ago he was in the hospital with some heart surgery and I went down to visit him and I was sitting there you know we're chatting about this and that and they announced that visiting hours were over and I got up to leave and I bent over and I kissed him on the forehead and I said goodbye I love you and I walked down the hall and punched the elevator and rode down the elevator and walked out of the hospital. My car was parked on the furthest end of this huge parking lot and I walked out there to my car and I stuck my key in the door and I realized what I had said up there. It just struck me what I said and I couldn't believe it. I stood there by my car and I cried because the fact of the matter is that it was true. I did love him and I don't know how that happened. That's impossible. As I stand here and talk about it today, it's impossible that doing those things could change how I feel about this man but it has happened. what I feel for him today is a lot of compassion he is today and was when I was growing up a practicing alcoholic and I really believe he was doing the best he could you know I really honest to God believe that I hope that he makes this program someday but that's not really any of my business the only thing that I can do is try to be the best possible example of Alcoholics Anonymous that I could be around him and I try to be very aware of that when I am around him I have a real good life today Vince and I have a a good marriage you know I treat him with courtesy and I don't have to think about it most of the time I'm interested in how his day goes I don' t have to ask him how his day was because we work together also but you know and that's amazing too we he opened this little business and I started working there and people said oh don't do that it will wreck your marriage and you know so well maybe you know maybe it won't work out but we you know we'll try it if it seems to be not working then we'll stop and I'll go get another job but we've been doing it now for about three years together and it seems to be working very well. We have our moments, but then we'd have our moments anyway I suppose and we have a lot of fun there. We have a little bit of fun and we're having a lot of fun in our life. We're both very active members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I mentioned that our mornings start between 6.30 and 7 the men that he sponsors call to check in and then between 7 and 7.30 the women I sponsor call to check in and then we get in the car and we drive to work and we have a good day there. We do our work well. We work hard while we're there and we really concentrate on it and give our clients the best that we can and we don't try to slack off or give them cheap or shoddy work. I mean, we do a good job and we go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous practically every night and our house is filled with AA members most of the time. I mentioned the Christmas caroling party next Tuesday night. You know, I'm looking forward to it a lot. It's always a lot of fun to have all those crazy alcoholics that none of us can sing but we have about ten that can sing and we try to put them up front you know when you have that many people and you go out in the neighborhood to sing it's hard it's like you stretch out for a block you know and we're new in this neighborhood we just moved in this house last May and we're a little concerned about what the neighbors are going to think but I'm sure it'll be fine you know we already think they think we're strange we have these we have a lot of big parties you know and hundreds of cars show up, right? Like in the summer we had barbecues. All these cars and people show up and there's a lot of noise and just people coming and going and then at dusk they're all left, you know? And all the mess is cleaned up. Everybody's gone to a meeting, you Know? But you wonder what the neighbors think, You Know? It's like one minute everybody's partying and having a great time and the next minute it's like nobody was ever there. If you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous Night I'd like to welcome you. I hope that you stay here. I hopethat you can find some of the magic and Alcoholics Anonymous that I have found. I can tell you this, that if AlcoholicsAnonymous did not work, I would not have stayed. You know, if I didn't get much more from Alcoholics Анonymous than I ever... I got much more here than I never dreamed I would get. I believed, I think, when I was new that I could maybe stay sober if I did what you did, but I did not ever believe I could feel the way that I feel tonight. Most days I feel real good about Pat. You know? Most days, I feel really comfortable in my skin. Most daysI can go out and talk to people and carry on my work and be, you know. Most people that I run into during the day think I'm a regular normal person, you know. That's amazing. That's just amazing. I'm an alcoholic woman, you know. I behave badly. The people around me have always known what kind of person I am because I've never been very private about it. You know, when I was drinking in the streets, everybody knew. All my co-workers and bosses knew. When I was drinking at home, everybody on the block knew, you You know, and today I'm a respected member of my community and an Alcoholics Anonymous, which means even more to me. You know? I'm the respected member for Alcoholics Andonymous. Who would have ever thought? If you're new, I hope you stay here long enough for the magic to happen for you. I'm very glad that I have. Thank you very much for having me.