The Madness Inside and the Music of AA – Angie D.

About This Speaker Tape

A barrio in Orange County, a childhood of "purple-lipped" relatives and the sudden, electric boom of a glass of sherry wine. Angie D. describes a life spent as a "walking bust," drifting from the girls' reformatory to a series of marriages with men she once mistook charisma for psychosis. She speaks of the "madness inside," a void she tried to fill with burglary, white pills with crosses on them, and a bottle that turned her into a monster who terrified her own children.

After a failed suicide attempt left her enraged and alone in a cold water shack, a lady from the PTA led her to the rooms. She didn't find the words first; she found the "music of AA"—the belly laughter and the shine in the eyes of people who had also been kicked in the teeth by life. Through the guidance of a Higher Power and the grit of the steps, she moved from being a "taker and a loser" to a messenger, learning that the only way out of the pit is to stay connected.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Angie describes her childhood in the barrio and her 'purple-lipped' mother.
• 4:12 The first 'boom' of alcohol: drinking sherry wine as a child and the feeling of putting a finger in a light socket.
• 8:30 Angie discusses her time in the girls' reformatory and her attitude toward the judge.
• 12:15 The 'orangutan' comment and the wreckage of her first marriage and motherhood.
• 16:40 The 'bedroom drinker' phase and the cycle of 'getting saved' and 'unsaved' at various churches.
• 20:10 A failed suicide attempt and the subsequent 'loneliest day' of her life.
• 23:50 Entering Al-Anon and feeling like 'a whore in a nunnery' before being pointed toward AA.
• 27:10 The 'music' of AA and the realization that she is an alcoholic.
• 32:45 Laughter: Discussion of 'retroactive sexual harassment' in the rooms.
• 36:20 The moment of connection: hugging a sobbing man in a meeting and feeling his pain.
• timecode Reflections on the 'miracle' of the program and the role of her sponsor, Mary R.
• 31:10 Angie's current life in Blythe and her relationship with her granddaughters.