The Longest Pink Cloud of Anybody I Know – Marilyn S.

Tonight, we are delighted in hour number two to welcome in Marilyn H. She is a person in long-term recovery. She has been in recovery now for over, I guess about eight years. Is it eight years now? Almost eight years, it'll be eight years in April. Eight years coming up in April and it's been kind of a long road for you, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, we were talking off the air earlier in terms of, you know, the real challenges in early recovery to build that base from which you really grow. You know, they throw the term out a lot, relapse prevention. I like to use the term recovery enhancement, making your recovery better. Marilyn, let's go back to the beginning for you and talk about growing up and when you first started using or drinking. Well, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I think that's a pretty common thread in most of the alcoholics I know. a lot of domestic violence in my family i was brothers sisters i was the youngest and the only girl in a family of four and um my parents were very unhappily married but they refused to do anything about it so they just fought all the time staying together for the kids oh yes and yeah and there was religious reasons as well where are you from i'm from seattle oh from Yeah, I grew up here. Okay. Yeah. So at what age did you start experimenting? Well, with drugs and alcohol, I was about 15. I was in high school. And actually, I experimented first with pot. That was kind of interesting to me. And then I got into the alcohol. I was one of those kids that if you dared me to do something, I'd do it just to show you I wasn't afraid. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, I see problems coming. So one time when I was 15, it was summer, middle of the day. My girlfriends and I got together with some boys at my house, and one of them brought a fifth of Old Crow. I thought you said it was pot. Well, that started a little bit earlier. Oh, okay. Yeah, but I was just talking about the alcohol because that truly became my drug of choice. Okay. So that's where I'm going with that. Little Old Crow? Little Old crow. Yeah. And on a dare, I chugged half the bottle. Yeah. It was pretty... I immediately passed out and... Now, where were your parents at the time? Oh, it was the middle of the day. They were working. Yeah, it Was in my basement and my friends were just absolutely panicked. They didn't know what to do. Oh, absolutely. So they went to the store to get some coffee because they didn't know what to do either. Yeah, yeah. And they got this Postum stuff that doesn't have any caffeine in it at all. But the good thing is they tried to make me drink it, and it made me throw up. And that probably saved my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And the amazing thing is that I was sick. I mean, in bed, absolutely couldn't even hardly get up to go to the bathroom for two days. And my parents never figured it out. It was like... Poor Marilyn's got that flu that's going around. In the middle of summer. In the Middle of Summer. So they came home by then, I assume that your friends had kind of figured a way out to just have you be sick. They basically threw me in my bed and said, well, she's on her own. See ya. Hide the booze and get out. And so they never found out about it. Well, if they did, they sure didn't let on. But they were always so immersed in their own private war that I think we got away with a whole lot. So after that experience, which was really a pretty negative experience, how long was it before you drank again? Oh, maybe a month. And the only thing I – I just wouldn't drink bourbon. I'd drink anything else. That was the problem. The bourbon was the problema. That's right. Wow. Yeah. So a month later, you give it another shot. You bet. You bet, and I'm not going to be defeated. so i mostly drank beer and some wine like logie flips that kind of stuff in high school what are logie slips oh logan berry wine and and beer or seven up oh yeah okay that's right you didn't grow up here did you no i did not no i didn't know i did so and you're still drinking uh you're still smoking pot too oh yeah oh yeah yeah um and you know other drugs i remember when i was a senior in high school, I dropped acid for the first time the night before my SATs. Dare I ask what you got on your SATs? Well, let me tell you, I scored really high in spatial ability. We're visiting with Marilyn H. tonight, a grateful recovering alcoholic, eight years in recovery, and talking about what it was like for her growing up. Dysfunctional family, a lot of friends who have access to drugs and alcohol, and the race is on. When did the problem start for you, Marilyn? Oh, I think... Well, I mean, I got caught a couple times in high school, but my parents never found out. I mean... Who? By the police. You were caught by the police? Mm-hmm. Mm-hm. Doing...? Oh, a bunch of us girls in the car drinking beer before going to dance, dances. And I remember we had to get out and break all the beer bottles with the billy club. Is that what they made you do? Yeah. Yeah. And they called one girl's parents, but they didn't call mine. I always managed to kind of skate through. Yeah, under the radar. Yeah, yeah. And I guess that's probably why my drinking continued and continued. What did it do for you early on? Oh, I was really a very shy person. I still am in a lot of ways. and it gave me some confidence and made me relax in social situations, or at least that's what I thought. You know, I grew up with one of those kids that I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I was a Catholic kid in public school and that made me different. And I just always felt like I was really different. And so when I drank and did drugs, I could feel like I'd fit in. And that's what I wanted Kind of a social lubricant Absolutely Now, what about your brothers? Did they know what was going on? Were they a part of this at all? Well, my two older brothers were gone They're a lot older than I am My oldest brother is 11 years older than i am And so he was out of the house by the time i was six And my second oldest brother Is like two years behind him so he was pretty much gone, too. The brother that is closest to me in age joined the service when he was 18. I mean, we all wanted out of there. We just wanted to get away from the house. So he left, and actually, when he came back from the Air Force, he didn't know about pot and drugs, so guess who introduced him? Oh, Marilyn, you didn't. Yep, yep. So you had a using drinking buddy then all of a sudden? Oh yeah, oh yeah. Well we were always close because it was, we were allies. We had to be allies in our family because of the war between our parents. We supported each other. It's not like a lot of other kids that had sibling rivalry. We were always buddies. We still are to this day. Now did mom and dad drink and use at all? No. As a matter of fact, they were teetotalers. Until I found out somewhat later, actually a couple of years ago, one of my brothers said that my father used to have liquor that he'd keep down in the woodshed. And he would go out there and he would drink this liquor. And I had no idea. I don't really know if it's true, but a lot of the behavior matches up. So if he wasn't an active alcoholic, he certainly acted like a dry drunk. Interesting. You go through high school, then what happens? I went to college for about a year. No drinking there, right? Oh, absolutely not. And it was the 60s. But I didn't do very well in school because I really wasn't there for an education. I was there just to have fun and go to all the parties and the dances. It was great. And I ran around with a group of people that were partiers, but mostly into drugs. Back in that era was mostly my drug era, but, of course, we always drank too. I mean, it was not just one. Now you say drugs, you said you dropped acid before your SATs. Oh, yeah. What about other kinds of drugs? Oh, yes. I mean I would practically take anything. I stopped short at needles or anything of that nature. But, oh yeah, lots of LSD, several trips of that, probably in the 50 range. Lots of mushrooms and... Cocaine? Yeah, but cocaine was never my thing. I tried coke once. I couldn't get the can up my nose. Yeah, well, no, it wasn't my thing much. That was a little bit later when I was in... your grades in college oh well uh when i went and when i did my homework which was very rare yeah i was just bombing out and i didn't know what i wanted to do anyway so um i'm i just decided to drop out and I joined the airlines because it was something i always wanted to and it sounded like a great lifestyle to me you could party all the time and in different cities and fly all over. And I understand when you're a flight attendant, you have like three or four days on, and then you get some time off, and so you have a chance to kind of recuperate or do all of that. So you signed on with an airline and flew the friendly skies. That's true. And what was that like in terms of being an active alcoholic? Oh, it was the perfect job. Yeah, I would think so. It was the perfect job. I used to fly a three-day trip, and I think I would sleep maybe six hours the entire three days. Oh, yeah. It was just one party after another, and my roommate, who's also in recovery now and still my best friend. Really? Yeah. Great. We just partied all the time. We didn't have any money, so we would find ourselves dates so that we could go out and eat. And drink. Can I buy you dinner? Hey, little lady. And we smoked pot a lot and we just entertained ourselves that way. Do you ever date passengers? Once in a while. Really? I often wondered about that. You know, you kind of look at flight attendants and think, I wonder if they ever, you know... Not all that often. Unless you were a band. Unless you are a band! There may be a story there. Yeah, well... Okay, so you're flying all around. Any trouble from any of this or is it still party time USA? Oh, yeah. Once again, I'm skating under the radar. I remember one time my roommate and I got called for an all-night flight and we were absolutely loaded on, I think it was acid at the time. And we're on this all- night trip and it was like bizarre. Of course, fortunately, everybody was asleep. But yeah, we were pretty gone. I didn't really have a whole lot of repercussions, but I didnít have really good judgment about people, and I would pick men to get involved with that werenít very good for me. And I think a lot of that had to do with my drug and alcohol use. I just wasnít facing reality. so it was um it was a good lifestyle for me at that time at least that's what i thought but i paid some pretty heavy prices too for it when did the problems start oh there were always problems here and there most of the time it was about judgment for me but my drinking really took off in my middle 20s. When I was 23, I felt like I was an old maid, kind of. It's funny, but back then. And so I decided I was going to get married. So I found somebody that looked like a good prospect and I got married. So you decided first you were going to Get Married and then found someone as opposed to finding someone, falling in love and getting married? Correct. Ah, okay. I think I actually thought that maybe it would help me get my wife under control, you know, if I had that stability. Were you looking for someone to take care of you? I don't mean financially, but to take carer of you. No, I took care of them. You're the caretaker. I'm the caretaking. I'm a caretaper, yeah. And so I got married and it didn't work. It was very short-lived. It only lasted about three years. Starter marriage? Yeah, yeah, the practice one. Not the real one, the practice one. Now, was he a drinker or user? Oh, yeah. We grew pot underneath our front porch. Oh, I see. Yeah, oh, yeah, and he was a big drinker, but he was, he was a party boy. He was a frat boy, and it was like totally not my style, but I thought, well, I've got to change my style here, and so that's what I went for. But it doesn't work out. You go three years, and that kind of goes in the tank. Oh, it's horrible. Yeah, and so after I got divorced, I went really pretty much nuts. It was almost like I didn't have anything to lose, and so I was drinking and doing drugs every night, every single night. And still maintaining a career as an airline flight attendant. Yeah. I don't know how I did it because I would come screaming in at the last minute to check in. I mean, I would wait until the absolute end. I would have been drinking all night. And back then they didn't have the drug and alcohol testing that they do today. They do random tests today? Oh, yeah. They do? Oh, yes. And I know with pilots you can't drink for a certain amount of hours before. Is it similar with flight attendants? Yeah. Well, at least it was company policy. I don't know if it was FAA or not. But, yeah, it was 12 hours before and I was like, I'd always take it right down to the limit. And, of course, before they did the testing, I'd be 6 o'clock in the morning and I'd have a 10 o' clock in the morning check-in and I would be still out there. But that got a little crazy and I was traveling all around the country on my days off. And men were a big part of my addiction too. You know, I would have boyfriends here and there and all over so I could go here, I could go there and kind of live the jet set lifestyle yeah but uh that got old really fast and actually there were some ramifications of that um i picked someone who was really not good for me and uh ended up that he had a really bad drug problem and unbeknownst to me he stayed in my apartment while I was gone on vacation so he was local he was local yeah and while I was gone somebody broke in my apartment and stole a whole bunch of stuff and so you know of course I go to him and I go what happened here and he it was some guy that he brought over that was a drug addict and you know I ended up paying the price for it And I'm my roommate, so that was a bad thing. And I got scared again, so I did what any good little alcoholic does when they're scared and they don't know where to go or what to do, especially if you're female. I got married again. Did you accept applications this time? Yes, I did. Oh, yeah, well, I'm not sure I was any more selective this time than I was before. No, he was a nice guy, And I thought, you know, it was time to settle down. Again? Yeah. But I wanted to have a family. I was pushing 30 at this point. So that was one of my motivations. So you meet a guy locally and get married and live happily ever after? I would like to think that, wouldn't we? But, you Know, ours was a relationship that was built on drugs and alcohol, at least in the beginning. And, oh, he found a pot plantation out in the woods. And, boy, we'd harvest that. And we'd have great hot tub parties and great gatherings. But they were always just drunken, high, you know. Wow. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. So we did slow down when we got in our 30s and had kids and had to be a bit more responsible. How long were you married? I was married for almost 23 years. Wow. Yeah, made it work for a while. And drinking and using during all this time? Yeah, except for the last three years. We got divorced when I was two and a half years sober. As you were going along in your marriage and the problems were escalating, were there any legal problems, any DWIs, any consequences at work? No, and that's pretty amazing because I don't know how I got away without a DWI. I used to live out in the woods before I got married the second time. I lived out in The Sticks, and I used to drive home, and then I could not remember driving home. I'd get up in the morning, and I'd go out, and I'd walk around my car, make sure there was no blood on it or there was no dents or anything. I mean, I could not remember several times driving home, And it was a two-lane, twisty-turny kind of country road. And I don't know how I got away with it. But once again, I just skated under the radar. Did anybody say to you, Marilyn, your drinking's a little out of control, girl? Yeah, I remember my best friend tried to take my keys away several times. And I wouldn't let her have them. I knew it. I knew what. I mean, it's not normal to drink like I drank every night and to go out. I mean somebody would call me and it'd be 10 o'clock at night and I'd be drunker than a skunk and I would say, sure, I'll meet you. I knew it but I just didn't know what to do about it. Actually, I had a really good friend and she was drinking just about the same level I was and we went to an AA meeting one time. Was this your first AA meeting? Yes, it was. Why would someone who's an active alcoholic decide one day, oh, let's go to AA? Because I knew I was nuts. I knew i was sick, at least on some level. We talked about it and we would do things like in the middle of the night go roller skating around the block in our pajamas. I mean, we were doing some pretty crazy things. So we decided that maybe, just maybe we had a problem. So we went. We lasted about 15 minutes and looked at each other and said, uh-uh, this isn't for me. And I remember leaving. I remember somebody followed us out and tried to talk to us, but I just wasn't ready, I guess. And so you keep on drinking. I keep on drink. And the disease keeps escalating. Oh, yeah. And you're drinking more to achieve the same effect? Oh, yes. Oh, ja. And what's your husband's role in all of this? And now you've got kids. I mean, do they realize that mom is acting a little weird? Well, of course, I thought that I hid it very well. And I also thought that I was very selective about when I did it. And he would join me to a large degree. He wouldn't go as far as I would because there would be times I wouldn't know when it was going to happen where I just wouldn't stop. You know, I drink up a whole half gallon of wine by myself for example and it was like you know and then he'd get really mad at me and say what are you doing but most of the time he didn't say anything and um it just seemed normal and of course i was always drinking when i was cooking that was my justification you know i'd make these seven course dinners little for the recipe a little more from maryland that's right yada yada yeah yeah yeah um and and and so you think you're hiding it and you're just getting worse yeah oh yeah and so what happens uh obviously a divorce comes along well the divorce was that that's why she was after recovery so talk about how did how you found recovery um my best friend got sober that was just the flight attendant yes Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, she relapsed when we were flying together, and I had to put her in a hospital in another part of the country on a layover. And I think I knew at that point that I was just as bad as she was. Had you been in recovery at that time? No. Uh-uh. But she had, and she had a relapse, and you put her into treatment. Yeah, yeah. And I knew at that point that I had a problem, but I was in denial. And the other part was I was really afraid that if I got sober that I would lose my marriage. It was the old... Because he drank and used? Yeah, yeah, and that was what we did together. That was sort of our common thread. Actually, at about 20 years of marriage, I found out my husband was having an affair. And he said, part of it was my drinking. And it was like somebody jammed a stick in a gear and everything ground to a halt. And I was absolutely devastated. I never thought it would happen to me. And I decided at that point that I was going to get sober. This was 1995. And I couldn't even cope. I was just shaking all the time and crying. So I went to see some psychologists, and I managed to stay sober for six months. And that was my first real introduction to AA. I didn't understand it at all when they asked about birthdays. It was my belly button birthday month, and I'm going, oh, yeah, well, I have a birthday. So I really did not get AA at all. but I did manage to go to a few meetings and I did manage to stay sober for six months and that convinced me that I didn't really have a problem with alcohol and that I could probably have a couple of drinks and it would be okay. So New Year's Eve came around and my husband and I were celebrating, we were working things out and I had a couple glasses of champagne and that was my long slide down And it wasn't very long before I was back where I was before and even farther. And it was fast. It was real fast. And then I knew that the end had to come sometime soon. And I prayed. I prayed to God to give me a sign about what to do. and this good friend of mine my best friend worked for a recovery a treatment center and she managed to get me over there for lunch and showed me through the grounds and the facility and I know she was thinking well she's going to end up here one of these days and it was the seed it was the seed that started the thought that I had to do something about this. So, I was 49 years old and I knew I just couldn't go on anymore. I was the old sick and tired of being sick and tired. And there's nothing attractive about a middle-aged drunken woman. And God gave me the sign that I needed. And I went into treatment because I knew that I was going to die how did your husband feel about it i mean you're trying to work these problems out marital problems um new year's eve is when you start drinking again and now you're getting towards uh springtime and and things are pretty rough when you told him you wanted to go to treatment what did he say he was furious he was uh he didn't understand he said i don't know why you can't just stop at a couple of drinks. I don't understand why you need to go to treatment and go away in particular. He was not, he doesn't understand. I don' t think to this day he doesn' t understand. So it was really hard for me to go into treatment knowing that I was not being supported on the other side. But all my friends had gone through recovery at this point. I was the last one to get it. So I had a built-in support system, which was wonderful. So you wind up going to one of the finest treatment programs on the West Coast for women, which is RAISE 12. Yes. And what is that experience like for you? Where suddenly you're around women who are just like you and struggling and wanting that same thing, just like you. I thought it was wonderful. I love Residence 12 to this day. They saved my life. Yes, people had addictions with different substances, but underneath it all, we're all the same. The support that grew in that group was so powerful. Did your husband go to the family program? He went to a few of the family sessions, and then we have our individual session. And he was so angry, he wouldn't even talk to me in that. And it wasn't very long. I knew that the marriage was probably pretty much over at that point. But I was trying to hang on for that first year of recovery. And, you know, I was hopeful. I always thought that maybe we could pull it out. So, yeah, that was one of the sad parts about it. But, you know, I wouldn't go back and change it at all. That first year in recovery when so many things are different, when you have so many challenges, you know they say the only thing you have to change is everything. And sometimes you can do that change. You can have everything different. You can go to a different place. You can find different friends, but the reality is that we go back into society. You go back to where you were, and you have to cope with that, with the same relationship, the same kids, and all of that. Now you're doing it without alcohol and drugs for the first time in your life. There's got to be a lot of pain around that. It was very hard. I went back to my same job, and I was still flying. That was difficult. Were they supportive of you, your company? They didn't really know. I didn't Really tell them. But I found that there were a lot of us out there recovering alcoholics. It's pretty amazing. But it was hard. It was hard to say no, I'm not going to meet the crew and the bar. Right. Yeah. How many kids do you have? I have two daughters. How did they respond to all of this, Marilyn? well actually my youngest daughter was one of the reasons i did get sober she stopped me at christmas time right before i went into treatment in the spring and it was christmas eve and i'll never forget it i'd been drinking and i had 18 for dinner and she came up to me and she said mother would you please quit drinking and I think that was one other thing how old was she at the What time? Thirteen. Yeah, and that really grabbed me. It really made me. That's when I knew I had to do something about it. So I think now my daughters are very happy about it but I think they were kind of confused because they were in the middle with their father and they didn't quite understand but I Think They're Very Proud of Me Now for that. Was there any compulsion to go back to drinking during that first year? I was really lucky. My sponsor, my first sponsor said, you got the longest pink cloud of anybody I know. And I was really fortunate. I got a pink cloud for quite a while. And, um, I just surrounded myself with people in recovery. I went to lots of meetings. I want to meetings all over the world. Actually, I wouldn't go to meetings just here. I'd go to meetings where I was laying over. And I found how exciting it is to go to AA meetings in other places, in other countries. So talk about the progression, not of your disease, but of your recovery. Well, like I said, I was really lucky. I got a long pink cloud and that gave me a basis for some of the things that were to transpire, like the end of my marriage. My marriage ended when I was two and a half years of sobriety, and it was very sudden, and I was pretty devastated. But I had an incredible support group. I had a home group that was there for me all the way. Now, this wasn't the one in Australia, was it? No, no. This isn't the One in Australia. She was telling me during the break that she had a home group in Australia which was called Rock Bottom or? On the Rocks. On the rocks. And what happened when you celebrate birthdays down there? Oh, they actually give you a rock. Not a chip. And when you speak, what do they say? Well, when they're a home-group member, they go, and I'm a member of this group. And everybody else goes, solid, rock solid. They're a bunch of characters. That's great. So you had a home group there and a home group here, and that was the one that was supportive of you going through this? Oh, absolutely. When I went through selling my house, because I got divorced, sold my house and I also retired from my career in about a six-month period. During the first year of recovery? No, in the second year. In the second years. Going into the third year. No, I was very fortunate it wasn't the first year, because that's why I had this great basis right and uh they were there to help me they helped me move uh they kept in touch with me they loved me when i couldn't love myself and i will be forever grateful for this particular group once once you get in two and a half years and the marriage is behind you selling the house is behind you. Your career is behind you. What do you do? That's a good question. I was at that point, but I knew that for me that that's what I needed to do and so I took about six months off and I just got myself grounded in going to meetings. I went to a lot of meetings. I found that when When I go through times of distress, I have to lean into my program. I have lean into going to meetings and staying with people in recovery because that's what keeps me sober. So that's why I went to a meeting at least once every day. It's an interesting terminology, lean into the program. I did a show about a year ago with Dion, the rock and roll singer Dion of the Belmonts, and he talked about leaning in, and he says it's like when you're skiing. You know, if you don't want to get hurt, you lean into the mountain, and you need to lean into the program, which is exactly what you're saying. You had a good sponsor, I assume? Oh, yeah, I had a great sponsor. She's still one of my best friends. I was at her house last night for a dinner party. But I have gotten a new sponsor because my old sponsor moved far enough away, and she's got a bunch of things going on in her life and doesn't really have time to do sponsorship but uh my she's still one of my best friends as a matter of fact her sponsor my grand sponsor and my sponsor and i about three years ago we all went to peru together on vacation wow it was incredible we went to machu picchu it's easy for you to say yeah i have machu Machu Picchu. But it was just, I mean, what an incredible gift. They have AA in Machu Pichu? Well, we didn't really find it. Didn't find it, yeah. But, you know, there were three of us that were there together. And a coffee pot, so you were in good shape. We were in great shape. Yeah. We were In great shape, and we just had a blast. We just had so much fun. Talk about some of the joy that's in recovery today. You know, people think, my God, if I stop drinking, the world is over. I mean I'm not going to have any fun. I'm not going to have any friends. I mean, all of the, you know, and it certainly says in the big book, we are not a glum lot. Talk about the joy of recovery in your life today, Marilyn. Well, just what I was talking about, going on vacation with my sponsor, my grand sponsor. I have a lot more fun today than I had when I was drinking, especially at the end. I have friends. I have people who love me and that I can love. I can love myself. I didn't love myself when I was, you know, still using. And yeah, I go to a lot of conventions. Seaside, for example. I always have a great time there. That's a great one. It is. And dances. That was probably one of the hardest things was to dance for the first time after getting sober because I always thought I was a great dancer when I wasn't drunk. But boy, I was really afraid the first time I went dancing after I got sober and skiing I used to that's why I said lean into I thought I was a much better skier after the lunch break and I can go have a few toddies How do you deal today with being around people who drink not necessarily alcoholically but in our society when people drink going to parties going to restaurants or any of that, does that offend you at all? Does that bother you at All? Is that a slippery spot for you? No, it's not. I was just at a dinner party last night and people were drinking. I feel sorry for people when I see them drink too much and when perhaps it might be a bit apparent that they have a problem with it. I feel Sorry for them. But no, it doesn't because I don't ever want to go there again. I'm afraid I'd never get back. I don't want to take the chance. For me, life is a lot more fun. It's great to wake up in the morning and feel good. And remember the night before. That's a good point too. Yeah. I have great relationships today with my children. I didn't before, especially when I was going through the divorce. I was basically having a hard time relating to my kids too. or they were having a hard time relating to me. And today I have great relationships. My daughter, my oldest daughter and I travel together. We just went last August on safari in South Africa. I guess if I have another addiction, it's probably traveling. Even though that was your career, you never got sick of it? Oh, uh-uh. No, I don't think I ever will. But no, I have a great life today and I can remember things and I'm comfortable being with me. I think that's probably the biggest thing. I found me. I had lost me for a long, long time. I'm not sure I ever knew who I was. Marilyn, what do you say to someone out there who maybe is in a similar situation that you were in? Maybe it's a bad marriage. Maybe it' s a bad career. Things are escalating downward and maybe there have even been some attempts at trying to stop drinking and they just don't know what to do. There is hope. I think that's the thing that I had to get, is that there was a way out and it could work for me. I remember thinking, oh, I'm too old to get this at 49. I'll probably die this way. And somehow, someway, Resonance 12 and AA got through to me that there's always hope. It's hearing other women's stories, realizing that you don't have to live by the statistics. The only statistic that matters is your own personal statistic that you can do it. And you're living proof that you won't have a heart attack. You don't even have to die for a drink? Yes, I am.