The Loneliness That Only Alcohol Could Quiet – Kip C.

Hi. My name is Kip Collins, and I'm an alcoholic. And I ain't had a drink all day long. I am so honored to be here tonight. I get to travel a lot with Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love home group meetings. You know, my home group is the absolute most important thing in my life and uh my home group started in my front yard and uh i had a guy that he had been an aa and he went he'd been out and he said i want to i wantto come back to aa but i don't want to raise my hand it's too embarrassing and i went well you know why don't you come over to my house on wednesday night because i i can't get to a meeting i live right next to smitty's bar it's right i mean their back door is right at my front door and you know if you change your mind I'll buy you a drink. And come over, we'll just read the big book, you know. So Steve came over and we started doing that. And Steve started changing at work and pretty soon another guy wanted to come over and then another guy wanting to come over and that was 17 years ago. That's now 160 men. And we're one of the most active groups of alcoholics anonymous in San Diego County and it's called Robber's Roost. We're a group of ex-convicts mainly. We have over 500 years in prison amongst us And our goal is to get 500 years of sobriety amongst us, you know. But we're real active. Eighty-five percent of my group is actively involved in service of one type or another. We put on two conferences a year. We do a lot of things, and we stay real busy in Alcoholics Anonymous. Is there anyone brand new to AlcoholicsAnonymous here tonight? Anyone having trouble with God? because if there is I highly suggest you go for a ride with Billy Noonan downtown New York by the time you're done you'll know you definitely have a relationship with a God Billy took me for a drive he took me on a ride today in New York I've never been to New York I'm a country boy and I said are these stop signs? these lights doesn't red mean stop and he goes anyway My sobriety date is May 12th, 1984. And my sponsor's name is Pat T. And his sponsor's name is Homer H. And Homer's sponsor is Walt Q. You know, and I believe in sponsorship. I believe in home group. I believe on service, unity, and action. And that's what I'm here for to talk about. I want to ask you all a question first before you check me out. How many of you this morning in your prayers and meditation and be honest said to your God of your understanding what can I do to make Kip's life a little easier that's what I thought no one that's because you're all selfish and self-centered you know tomorrow I want you to get up and say what can i do to make KIP's lifea little easier God I only tell you this because I care about you and I want you toget out of yourselves as soon as possible and after you hear my story you're gonna understand that I need all the help I can possibly get. My father's Irish and Sioux. My mother's Irish and Cherokee. And my daddy loved to drink and my mama loved to fight, you know? And I'll share in a real general way on that. You know, we'd be waiting for the old man to get home. It's getting later and later. Mom's getting mad. You can see the steam coming out of her ears and she's marching up and down and pretty soon you hear that truck coming up the driveway and you look out the windows and you see all the neighbors turning off their lights and grabbing their lawn chairs and coming outside. It was getting ready to begin. He'd pull in that yard, fall out of the truck. My mom would hit that front door with a butcher knife in his hand. She'd be chasing him around the yard. And that was just an average Monday night, you know? That wasn't even a weekend. It wasn't much different than anyone else's house in my neighborhood, so nobody paid too much attention. But, you Know, I cannot blame my alcoholism on my father because my father taught me exactly at a very early age, as long as I can remember, exactly what alcohol will do. It'll destroy families. It'll destroyed careers. You know, I watched it happen. I knew, I had no illusions about alcohol. I've always blamed my alcoholism on the San Diego Unified School District. In the early 60s, they had this great idea. It was time to start teaching the people, the young men and women of San Diego County about this stuff that we don't talk about in A&A. And they took us in this hall, you know, and they turned off the lights. They showed us this movie. And they had these people come up and talk about the evils of this stuff. and they turned the lights back on and I hit my partner Balto in the ribs. I said, can you get some of that? He said, yeah, my dad smokes that stuff. And so I met him the next day. I said you get it? He goes, yeah meet me after class. So I hooked up. I said so what do we do? He goes well we've got to go boost some wine. I said some wine? What for? He says I don't know my dad always drinks wine with this. Cheap wine. We were willing to go to any lengths. We didn't want to make any mistakes so we went in and I boosted my first short dog a sweet red pork and we went down this little canyon he fired this cigarette up and he took a drag off of it and he handed it to me I took a dragg and started coughing my brains out pulled that screw cap off that bottle and I took another pull and it jumped right straight back out of me you know but I ain't no quitter you know and uh I took anther pull and I had to force it down you know I was trying to yo-yo on me you have to squeeze your nose and just kind of hold it down and then I took unother pull by the time I got to the end of that short dog man it was just going down like velvet you know and I looked over at my buddy Balton when he's still sitting there smoking on this little cigarette and I said you're gonna drink that he goes no man that stuff's horrible and so I said can I have it he goes yeah and I took his and I drank his and I leaned back in the grass it was a beautiful summer day you know and I look at sky and the clouds were going by and blue sky and I experienced my very first spiritual awakening. Alcohol did something to me that nothing in this world has ever touched. I lived in a neighborhood that was all first generation Hispanic, nobody spoke English. All my cousins have real dark skin, they have dark brown hair, dark brown eyes. And me and my brother Bill, we were born with white hair, white skin and freckles, blue eyes. We went outside, the Mexicans wanted to beat our ass. And we went in the house, the Indians wanted to beat our arse. You know, and we knew our case was different from a very early age, you know. And I grew up in absolute terror and fear all of my life. There was violence everywhere around me. I was terrified. But when I drank that wine and I leaned back for the very first time in my life, there was a peacefulness inside of me. The fear was gone. You now, my skin started turning a little bit darker. My hair started, my eyes started turning brown. You know, I fit in for the first time in my life. And for the First Time in My Life at the age of 12 years old, I was enough. You know? I was Enough. And that's what alcohol did for me. I knew all about these first three steps a long time before I knew about you folks. I knew that I was powerless over this world. I knew my life was unmanageable at the 12 years of age. You know I drank this magic stuff man and something happened inside of me and I came to believe that there was a power greater than any of that that could restore me. And I immediately, with no reservation, turned my will and life over to it. And I never looked back. You know, about two years later, I got caught. I hit a teacher for the third time. And they expelled me from the San Diego Unified School District. And about a week later, my mom found some other contraband at my house. And my mom, I love her to death. I support my mother today. I take care of her. My mom is probably the meanest woman that was ever born on North America. I saw her stab my dad about three different times, and she knocked out the neighbor with a shovel one time for talking back to her. When my mom gets a certain look in her eye and she tells you to do something, you best be doing it and moving while you're doing it. Say, yes, ma'am, because she'll nail you. And she looked at me and she said, you get out of my house. And I said, yes ma' am, and I hit it. I lived in a little town, avocado capital of the world, Vista, California. There was nothing going on there. And I went over to the coast, over to Carlsbad, and I was talking to a friend of mine. He says, what are you going to do? I said, man, I haven't got a clue. And he opened up this newspaper article. He says check this out. He says everyone's going, people are all going up to San Francisco, and all they do is get high and listen to music and make love. I like music, you know. And I hitchhiked up there. I had nine cents in my pocket, and I got to Interstate 5, and I hitchhyked to San Francisco, and I Got in an area called the Haight-Ashbury District in 1964. And I'll share it in a very general way. I've always been grateful to the God of my understanding that I'm not allergic to penicillin. I found out right off the bat I didn't fit in. I was a lousy hippie. I grow hair pretty good, but I used to anyway. I've been fighting all my life. And if something looks like it's going to jump off, I'm first. And these people were pacifists. And man, I just kept really disappointing them. But I found out what my true call, I found out that what I am, I am actually a capitalist pig because I saw opportunity. That's all I saw. I saw all this white bread. They didn't know what time of day it was. They come from the suburbs. They wanted this particular product. All of my friends come from Mexico. I'm no dummy, you know. I called Balto. I said, let's check this out. And he says, come on down. You know, and I came down, and we started a little enterprise. And that went really well for a long time. Right after I turned 16, I was arrested down in Mexico with 200 kilos of this certain product. And they sentenced me to 25 years in prison in La Mesa Federal Penitentiary in Mexico. And I'll tell you straight up, man, nice things don't happen to 16-year-old Caucasian boys with long blonde hair and blue eyes. And if anything in the world, that ought to change my life about the way I was living. but actually it turned out to be one of the greatest career moves of my life my buddy Balto my lifelong crime partner his whole family he was related to about half the people in that prison and I found out that I'd actually been working for most of them the whole time and when they realized who I was I mean, they took care of me and they realized that I was more important to them out of prison than in prison and I love Mexico It's a very civilized country. It works on a principle of Mordida. You know, it's called the little bite. And basically what that means is as long as everybody's getting a piece of the action, you can do anything you want, you know? And we find out who had the biggest piece. We gave them some money and they let me go and I went back to work. And I did almost a year down there. And I learned a lot. And I had to do a lot of things. I had TO do everything I had To do. And then I'll share about it from the podium. But I did everything I needed to do and everything I HAD to do to survive there. And I got out. I continued doing what I was doing, you know. On my 18th birthday, the DEA came in, some Billy's relatives probably, and stuck a gun in my mouth and told me that I was under arrest and they charged me with 27 felonies. I was living with this young gal, and she was pregnant, and I was excited about this baby, you Know. And they took me away. They didn't take her. And I tried to call. I couldn't get it. I never could reach her. I never Could find her. She never came to see me. I stayed in the San Diego County Jail for a little bit over one year fighting this case, and I eventually beat it. And after I got out, I tried to go find this girl because I wanted to know. I knew the baby had been born, and I wantedto find out where this baby was, and her family wouldn't tell me nothing. They just told me to get out of their lives. I'd done enough damage. You know, andI walked around for many, many years with a big hole in my gut over that. I ran into this other little gal. She was 15 years old, wild and crazy, you know, and I had a run of bad luck. This company called Roar started making this certain product. Anybody here ever gone to jail for being stupid in public? I have a whole bunch of times, you know, just for being stupid, nothing criminal. And I went to jail three times in one week for being stupid in the public, and she bailed me out of jail every single time. And the last time she bailing me out, I looked at her and I said, how come you keep bailing out of jail? She looked at me and got these big eyes, and She said, well, what else would I do? And I married her. You know, instant. I fell in love the minute she said that, you know. And we went on a ride, man. Kathy was the greatest crime partner I've ever had in my life. That was the bravest, the toughest. She was tougher than any hell's angel I've never known, man, and her favorite motto was, I'll try anything once, you know, and she did. We did everything in the world, and we traveled around. I got busted again and went to prison again for about nine mine. It's just a little term. I got out, I was on parole. I knew I'd never make parole in California so I decided to go up to a little town in Oregon and we went up there and I hid out in this little town that only had 150 people that lived there and she got pregnant while we were up there. And one day she said, come on, we've got to go to the hospital. I'm going to have the baby. And I got in the truck and we drove her. We went down to North Bend, Oregon and I went out and waited in this room and they took her in this other room and it came out after a while and they brought this little bundle and they put it in my arms and it was a little boy and I looked at that little boy and I experienced my second spiritual awakening when I looked at that middle boy my heart absolutely exploded I never ever have felt that feeling in my life and that feeling was absolute total unconditional love for another human being I'd never known that and I held that boy and I look at him and I promised him I vowed on my life that I would always take care of him. I said, you know, you're going to be my pal. You're never going to Be afraid of nothing. You're going To have all this stuff and we're Going to do everything together. And I meant it. You know, I got off parole up there and I came Back down to California and we had to go to Another hospital and I'm waiting in this other Room, you Know, and after a while they come in And they bring this little girl and they put Her in my arms. And I looked at her and the exact same thing Happened. My heart just exploded and I fell in love. You know. I mean, I'm an alcoholic who thinks real, real fast. I mean, fast. I'm holding this little girl. She's still wet from being born. And it suddenly dawned on me that someone was going to marry her someday. And I'm starting to plan out where the wedding's going to be. You know, I could be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and one of you pretty gals will walk in and I'll fall in love. We'll have a couple of kids together. you'll cheat on me with that old timer and I hate your guts and you haven't even got to your chair yet I live fast in there I can live a whole lifetime while you're walking across the room I'm probably the only one here like that for the next five years I was probably one of the greatest fathers you could possibly be alcohol and narcotics were not a problem in my life at that time they're an ends to a mean I had the choice of when I wanted to get high when I want to drink and I picked and chose them when it was appropriate time and I took care of my family I had a big place I'd made a lot of money and I had a great big place and it was all fixed up just for my kids and I played with my kids every single day that's what my life was about I bathed them I dressed them I taught them how to walk I taught him how to talk I cooked them breakfast I cooked their lunch and I spent all my days me and my brother and my kids and my wife and that is the happiest part of my whole life On September 6, 1976, my wife and daughter had gone to the store to go to school. They were getting ready to start, and they were going to go buy school clothes. And me and my son were in the garage, and we were making something. And a friend of mine came over, and he brought this smoke over, and we smoked it, and it was really good. He split, and I got real thirsty, and then I wanted a cold beer. And I didn't have any. And I just said, you know what? I'm just going to run up to the story real quick. It's just around the corner. and I got on my bike and I took up off the road and I had a six-pack of beer and I came back down the hill and when I came down the Hill the police were in front of my house and the paramedics were there and all the neighbors were standing out and I waded through that crowd of people and I found out that my son had chased me out of the driveway and he was run over by a truck. And I wade through that crowd or people and I saw my little boy and his head was split open and I could see his brains and there was bones protruding from all over and a piece of me died. I sat in intensive care with that little boy for nine months and in nine months I was there every single day and I talked to the doctors and every single days those doctors told me to pray that he died there's nothing to hope for there's so much brain damage you have nothing to help for and I wouldn't let go I just held on to my son and I kept exercising every muscle in his body I wouldn' stop, I wouldn''t leave and I don't know nothing about God nobody ever taught me about God we didn't have no God in our house but I cried out to this God I'd heard you people talk about, and I tell you, I'll do anything if you give me my son back. Just give me your son back." It's the only thing in this world that's important to me. And I tell you, my son survived. He made medical history. The little boy, the personality of that little boy was gone forever. And what came back was another little boy who emotionally, mentally never got past the age of about four years old. He couldn't hear, he couldn't talk, and he spent over half of his life in and out of hospitals with one major brain surgery after another. And I knew who was responsible for that. And this was a time that alcohol started changing for me. The guilt that I felt, that picture in my brain, alcohol started taking away the pain. It started getting rid of the pain, it allowed me to go to sleep at night. And this is one of the first times when I started getting those looks from other people of getting drunk at exactly the wrong time. You know, showing up at an emergency surgery so drunk I couldn't even sign and the look that those doctors were giving me. And I got to know that look real good. You know, the thing started happening. My brother Bill has been my right hand. We're 11 months apart. We backed each other's play all of our lives. He always lived with me. He went on our honeymoon together, you know? I mean, my brother never left my side. He was my partner. And my brother came down with a disease called schizophrenia. And my family had him put in a hospital. And after he'd been in that hospital a little while, he called me and he said, get me out of here. And I said, are you okay, man? And he says, yeah, they're giving me these pills. Just get me out of here. Do whatever you got to do. And I said, all right, man. And I got him out of there. You know, I went against the doctor's wishes. I went across my family's wishes, but I manipulated and bought and got my way, and I got my brother out of that place. And no one's ever passed a basket while I was talking before. But anyway, I forgot where I was. I got a scar from the beginning. I'm Kemp and I'm an alcoholic. I had to leave. I had go back east, back here to do some business. My brother was there and he was saying, I said, Bill, I'm going to be gone for three days. Watch the kids. And my brother, he was going, man, you can't go. I said what do you mean I can't? He says something's wrong. He says I'm coming apart, man. And I said, listen, man, it's always been me and you. It always will be. I'll be back in three days. No matter what it is, me and You will fix it. And I gave him a handful of money. You know, money has fixed everything all my life. And I give him a hand full of money, I said just hang on tight, man. I'll back in 3 days. And I left and I was in this cabin. I looked in the back and my brother was standing there and he was crying. And I've never seen my brother cry in his whole life. And I knew something was wrong. And this deal I was doing, it went sideways. You know instead of 3 days, I got back, it was 3 weeks. When I got back, I took my little girl. I said, where's my brother at? She goes, I don't know. I haven't seen him. I said what do you mean you haven't seen him? She goes I haven' t seen him since right after you left. My brother lived right across, he had a piece of property right next to mine right across this creek and I crossed the creek and went over to his place. He lived in a mobile home and I opened that door and my brother's head fell out just as I opened the door because three days after I left he had taken a gun and he had blown his head off and what was laying in that doorway was just a big pile of maggots and I looked at that, and the rest of me died. And I don't tell you this because I want your sympathy in any of this. The only reason I even go into this part of my story is I want to really make something pertinent and clear. In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous in chapter five, there's a sentence there that is read and maybe not understood, but it says there's those among us who got here with grave emotional and mental disorders, and I'm one of those people. Because when that happened, something inside of me completely broke, completely in half. It was like a branch snap, and it was my complete psyche. And I thank God that I was an alcoholic. I thank God that alcohol is for me what it does for me. Alcohol took away the fear, it took away the pain, it take away the guilt, mostly important. It got rid of those pictures in mind, it was burned into my brain, it allowed me to close my eyes and get some rest at night, and it stopped the screaming in the morning. And i could function one day at a time reasonably comfortable with enough alcohol in my body, and I could get through and live in this world one day at a time as long as I had enough alcohol in me. And things started changing in my life very rapidly. I became untrustworthy with the organization that I worked for, and they don't work with drunks. So my money supply was cut off. You know, I became very unpredictable. My behavior became very unpredictable, and my wife finally had enough of it, and she bailed. My son was in a special hospital, and my little girl, Diana Maria, was just me and her. And we're sitting there in the living room one day and she's crying because she's scared. Her life has been a dream up to this point, you know, and she loved her brother. She loved her mother. She loved your uncle. Everybody was gone. And her daddy, the one person in the world she could really count on, was just acting nuts and crazy. And she was saying, Daddy, I'm scared. And I said, Honey, it's all right. I said. You know, we've been through some rough times, but we don't need nobody. Just let me catch my breath and I'm going to take care of you. Nothing's going to happen. Don't worry. About that time, this guy came over. and he came in and he brought this bottle of this stuff I'd never heard of I don't know if you guys hear of it around here but you look pretty sophisticated in California we call it Mad Dog 2020 anyone here that hasn't really made a commitment to this manner of living that we're trying to do in here and you think maybe you're being a little bit too hard on yourself go get some Mad Dog 20-20 I guarantee you get your full dollars worth and it'll run your rusty ass back in here so fast I drank this Mad Dog 2020 with this guy sitting in my living room in Vista, California and my next conscious thought was a lady tapping me on the shoulder saying excuse me, you have to get off the plane and I open my eyes and I'm on a wide body jet and it's completely empty except for me and my little girl and she's looking at me this lady is and i go i just i was in my living room the last time i remembered talking to this guy and i said what she says you have to get off the plane i said where am i she goes you're in fort lauderdale i said florida she goes yeah i said i don't like fort laudderdale well you got i don' t know you gotta get off the plane you know when i look at my little girl she's sound asleep right next to me and i'm going well she's like maybe she knows why we're here, you know. So I wake her up real gently and trying to act like I got it all together, hoping she's going to say something that's going to flick a memory, you know. And I woke her up. I said, hi. She's eyes got real big. She goes, are we there? I said yeah, we're here. She was all good. Didn't say nothing. We got off the airplane and I don't want to rise suspicion of anything you know so I look around for a little bit and I go I got an idea I got in a cab I said listen take us to a hotel and stop at a liquor store on the way I need to figure out what's happened here and uh my next conscious thought was I came to completely naked and four-point restraints in this green room with bars on the window just for a minute I thought I might have missed something really cool, you know. But then I saw that color of green on the walls, and I know that color. They always paint every institution in every country that color, you know. It's just so when you come to, you know where you're at, you know. And I didn't know what had happened, and I was kind of afraid to ask. I've got a clue where my daughter is, and I found out that apparently I run into this young couple there, and they had some Floridian additives, and And you could really drink a lot with that stuff, you know. And then I discovered that they had never heard of Mad Dog 2020. So I went and got a bottle of Mad Dogs 2020. And apparently I went completely berserk in the lobby of this nice hotel completely naked at about 2 o'clock in the morning. California, that's no big deal, you now. They don't even bat an eye, you kno. But in Florida, they're very conservative there. No sense of humor at all. And they locked me up. The cops came. They said, this guy is just nuts. They took me to County Mental Health, and I talk into this doctor. I don't know where my daughter is, and I can't say nothing because someone might call the cops, and I don'T deal with the police on any level, you know? And I'm talking to him, this doctor, and I said, listen, I've been through a lot of trauma here lately. You know, this is a real big mistake. Just let me out of here. I need to get back to California to my doctor. And if you'll let me off, I'll leave. I'll be on the next airplane. And the doctor goes, be gone, you know, and I walked out of that hospital. And my next plan is now, where was I last? Where's my kid? And my little girl comes walking up with this young couple just as I'm walking out. She ran up and jumped in my arms, and I said, come on, baby, we're getting out of Florida. I told you this place sucks. And I'd love to tell you that I learned my lesson, and everything got good. But that was as good as it ever got. For the next two years, me and my little girls traveled around. We lived on buses. We lived in bus stations. We lived on an old abandoned car. We lived missions. Every once in a while, I'd run into some real sick pre-Al-Anon and go through her life like a tornado. God bless them. And the last place was in Oklahoma. And I had run out of Georgia at midnight on a dead run. And I met this young guy on this bus. And he was a good Christian man, young guy. He's coming home from school and he's saying, listen, my dad, my mother, they have a little business and they live outside Oklahoma City. You know, my daddy has a little place in the back and you and your daughter are more than welcome to stay there and I'm sure my dad would love to give you a job. And you can come to our church and you've been through a lot of bad stuff but you know you can't drink. That's just the only thing. We don't drink at all. And I said, okay. I had a little house for my daughter in two years. And I jumped on the opportunity. And this great family, they were the nicest people in the world. They brought us into their home. They fed us. They bought my daughter clothes. They gave me a job. And I didn't drink, you know. And I also didn't sleep. And I was absolutely insane after about the sixth day. And then they paid me. And the guy says, I'm going into town to cash my check. You want to go with me? I'll buy you a drink. And the next thing I knew, I came coming in that house and it was real, real late. My little girl was sitting on that couch. And she jumped up when she saw me. I'll never forget the look in her eyes. She just looked at me and her eyes dropped. She went and picked up her dollar and a pillow and stood by the door because I was standing there with blood on my clothes and it wasn't mine. And she knew we were leaving. I changed my clothes we grabbed a few things stole this guy's pickup truck drove into Oklahoma City got on a bus back to California I got me a big bottle of wine and got on that bus and started drinking and I passed out when I come to as we're coming into Albuquerque New Mexico and my little girl she's when I came to she was crying she was rocking back and forth holding her stomach and I said what's the matter baby she goes daddy I am so hungry I'm so hungry you haven't fed me I said as soon as we stop I'm going to get you something to eat We pulled into this bus station And I was so sick I got into that bus station I went in this little liquor store And I got her a sandwich And I went and got me A bottle of wine And I had to go pay for it And I only had enough money For one or the other The most humiliating thing I've ever done in my life Is I put her sandwich back I've done a lot of things In my life I don't share from the podium But I'll tell you From my heart to yours I've never done anything More embarrassing than that and I looked at my little girl and she looked at me and that look she gave me I couldn't look at her and I just sat in the seat behind her and God bless there was this wonderful elderly black lady sitting right across from us and she didn't say a word to me she just looked over at my young girl and she said hey honey my daughter made me this big lunch why don't you come and sit with me and that wonderful woman took care of my little girl all the way back to Oklahoma all the back to California we got back to california and I did what all heroes do I went to mom's house. I told you about my mom. My mom only has one granddaughter, and that's my daughter. She's got a lot of grandsons, but she only has one granddaughter. And my mother thought the sun rose and set on my daughter, Jana. She had not seen or heard from us in almost two years. Didn't know if we were dead or alive. And I showed up on her doorstep, and she took one look at her granddaughter. She's now seven years old. She's got raggedy hair. She's Got This Raggedy Old Dress On She's Been Crying She's Holding On To This Raggety Doll And She Grabbed Her And She Pulled Her In The House She Looked At Me She Says You Get Off My Property If You Ever Come Back Here I'll Kill You I Said Yes Ma'am She Wasn't Joking You Know And I Backed Off And Thank God For My Mom Because She Saved My Daughter's Life I'm Sure Of It For The Next Three Years I Don't Know Anything That Happened Anything I'm Going To Tell You From Here On In It's Your Sake You Know I lived in Carlsbad, California in a bamboo patch right on the Pacific Ocean and I lived in this bamboo patch because there was a restaurant on top of the bank and a septic tank drained down into this bamboo patch and nobody would go in there because it smelled real bad and it was real dark and there was lots of bugs you know but it looked exactly like the inside of my head and right across the Pacific Coast Highway there was a 7-Eleven there that I could panhandle and that's what I did I panhandled for wine When I got a bottle of wine, I went back to my bamboo patch and I drank. And when I ran out of wine I went back and I did that for three years. And I turned into an animal. I was in front of that 7-Eleven one morning and I was so sick. I needed a drink so bad. I know I'm getting ready to have a grand mal seizure any minute if I don't get a drink. I mean the aura's coming on and I can see it and I'm shaking so bad I can't even panhandle and I'm just leaning against this glass and this guy pulls up in his car and he looks at me and he smiles and he gave me two one dollar bills and I went in that store and I got a quart of wine and a short dog and I go outside and I opened up that bottle and I took a big pull and I just closed my eyes and I leaned against that glass until the shaking stopped and I open my eyes and that man was sitting in the car and he was sitting in that car with his wife, he was siting in that car with wife and his two kids and they were talking and I knew they were judging me I knew there were talking about me and I turned around and I flipped them off and cursed them. And I went back to my bamboo. Those people ended up being real good friends of mine, and they were a people of faith. And they were on the way to a temple that morning to worship the God of their understanding, and they weren't judging me at all. As I wandered off, they got out of their car that morning and got on their knees in that parking lot of that 7-Eleven, and they asked the God of their own understanding to help this poor pitiful human being. About the time they're doing that, I have the weirdest thought I've ever had, you know? It just came out of nowhere. said, maybe you ought to go to A&A. I've been to A & A, you know, in all kinds. And I've done so many detoxes. I've gone to so many jails and so many nut houses. We don't even have time to talk about it. And those H&I people would come in and bring out a big ugly blue book and tell me how wonderful it was to be sober. And I'd very patiently listen to their drivel, you know, and try to explain to them that I'm not actually an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I just can't afford any drugs right now, you know? And they told me, they said, well, you know what, if you ever find yourself drinking when you don't want to be drinking, come to AA and we will love you till you can love yourself. I'm going, right. Thank you. And I went, I don't know how. I don'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. I had that thought, and my next thought, I was standing in the back door of this church, just like this. Grace Presbyterian Church. And there was a meeting going on. I don't know how I got there. And everyone was looking at me and I'm standing in the doorway. And I looked at these people and they looked like you folks. I thought I was at a PTA meeting or something, you know? And I'm going, and they said, you're looking for a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? And I went, uh-huh. You know, and they said, would you like to identify yourself? And what's your name? I drink port wine. I drink port wine all day long, every single day. As long as I'm not in jail or in a hospital, I'm drinking wine. And the way that affected me, it did something to my brain. I would have these epiphanies to say, but between my brain and my mouth, The only thing that would ever come out was, ah! You get stuck, you know? And it was great for panhandling. But you walk up and go, ah, you know, people throw money at you and jump back, you know? I went, ah. They went, thank you for sharing. You know, and I sat down next to this pretty little gal. She scooted all the way down. I weigh 120 pounds. My hair comes down to my waist. I combed it two years before because I had to have a court appearance, I remember that. My beard came down to the stomach. I was covered in wine sores. I've been living in the same clothes for three years and I had a distinct aroma. And when I came in, people were just kind of looking at me and there were things crawling on me. And the lady says, you know, you've got something crawling. I said, leave it alone. It eats the fleas. You know? And I'm looking at these people and they're talking about God. And I went, uh-oh. And then I saw them pass that basket. And I knew they were going to start singing, you Know? And I am getting nervous because these people kept looking over at me and they are looking at me weird, you Now? And I'm looking at them, and I'm going, oh, man, this was a mistake. I don't fit in here. This is a big mistake. And I stood up to leave. There was this little old lady that had been sitting in the back looking at me and kept trying to catch my eye. She smiled at me. I thought she was one of them brain-damaged women I'd heard about, you know? And I just stood up. I've got to get out of here, man. And Istood up, and there was a guy talking, and she stood up and cut that guy off clean. And the woman saved my life. she looked right across me and she said I walked in these rooms 27 years ago in Long Beach, California so the cop brought me to my first meeting he took me to the back door he said go in there those people can help you and I'm tired of arresting you and I opened this door and I looked at these people and I thought I was at a PTA meeting because they were all squares and I knew I wanted to leave immediately because I knew as soon as you turned around and saw what I was you'd want me to leave She goes, I've been living on the streets of Los Angeles since I was 13 years old. I've done everything a woman ever had to do to survive out there. And when I saw you people, I felt dirty and I wanted to leave. She goes but a woman grabbed me by the arm and brought me into the room and got me a cup of coffee and put her arm around me and she said don't go nowhere, we need you. She proceeded to tell me about 27 years of service in Alcoholics Anonymous. About the women who taught her how to be a woman. About the steps that changed her life and gave her a career and gave her a whole life. And she came over in front of all those people, man, that didn't know what to do with me. She put her arms around me. She kissed me right on the mouth, the bravest woman I've ever met in my life, man. And she's squeezing on me. She's just a little old thing, man。 She's squeezing it on me real tight and she whispers up in my ear. She goes, Don't go nowhere, darling. She goes we need you desperately. And she said that we needed you desperately and something inside of me happened. People have been beating on me all my life. Ain't nobody in this world ever made Kip Collins cry for any reason. And she's standing there and she's telling me that, and all of a sudden my gut started rumbling and my eyes started getting wet, and I'm standing there in front of all these squares just crying like a baby, just crying my eyes out. And I started coming to A&A. And y'all lied to me right from the beginning, every one of you. You say, if you stop drinking alcohol, your life will get better. I'm a real alcoholic. Do you know what you get when you take alcohol away from a real alcoholic? Ick. Why would you ever want to feel that way? How do you go to sleep? How do You stop the voices? You start remembering what You've done. I would stay sober as long as I could, sometimes three days, and I'd have to drink. And I kept coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just kept coming. We have a lot of meetings where I lived. And I was at a meeting three times a day. I was in a meeting every single day that I was able to walk or crawl or wasn't in jail, you know. And I would come to these meetings and I'd hang out. I'd come here, I'd steal your money out of your basket. They got hip to me pretty quick. The old-timer, I come into a meeting, there'd be an old-time around both sides of me in that basket. It would go whoop, you knows. I've made amends to all of them, you now. You know, I passed out in these rooms. I pissed on your floors. I thrown up on your floor. I chased your women. Not very successfully, I admit. And you know what they told me? Keep coming back. What a bunch of lops, man. I couldn't believe it. I never met such a bunch of chumps in my whole life, man! You can't get kicked out of here! And I kept coming back, and I'm watching this guy. He's taking a five-year cake. I'm still trying to get three days together. We came in at the same time. He goes, Kip, you've got to get a sponsor. I said, man, I've been on parole most of my life. I'm not going to volunteer one of these chumps, you know? He said, you got to do these steps. I said I can't do those. He goes, what do you mean you can't? He says, I can' t do them and they don't apply to me. I looked at those steps. Man, I have never been powerless. I have been carrying a gun since i was 14 years old i don't know what you're talking about unmanageable i love chaos i can't stand knowing what's going to happen next you know i thrive in that you know this restore me to sanity i started seeing a psychiatrist when i was 11 years old because i tried to kill a kid with a coke bottle he told me that i was violently anti-social you've never been saying what are you going to get restored to saw this other thing i said what's this he goes well you got to make a list of everything you've ever done and admit it to another human being i've been a career criminal all of my life and i pride myself with no paper trail of my activities now you want me to put it all down and share it with the pta you know i don't think so you know and i'm getting to this other i'm looking at this step this ninth step i'm going exactly what does amends mean they go off when you got to go face anyone you've harmed and make it right I'm going uh-oh I can see it now you know loopy hey man it's kip I'm sorry I shot you and your brother and your dog took all your dope but I'm in a spiritual manner of living today and I'm here to make things right you know no Lupe might have laughed himself to death but I couldn't do those things but I kept coming here mainly because you're the only people who would love me I kept come into meetings and over the years my life it got a little bit better I could stay sober on other people's sobriety for a little while and I'd go out to coffee with you and I'd hang with you and I do any activity that you could get me involved in you know and I stay with you in those coffee shops till you had to go back to your life and then you'd leave me and I go insane on Christmas morning 1983 I come to one more time butt naked completely shackled the cops had beat me down so bad that night they broke my cheekbone and I've been bleeding all night and the blood had dried on that mat and I'm trying to pull my face it had dried my face was stuck to the mat and I'm trying to roll over and I finally roll over and I look up in the little portholes of this rubber room and I can see these cops looking down at me laughing at me and I knew Santa Claus wasn't coming you know and I made a conscious decision right then and there that you know I'm that person they talk about in chapter 5 I'm not going to get sober it's not my fault I'm just not going to get sober I can't do this thing that's easy for you I can'T do this the only thing that works in my life is alcohol only thing that takes away the pain the guilt the terror the fear the loneliness is alcohol. And I made it, I had $90, I have no idea where it came from and I went and spent $90 on Gallo Port wine. It was the most beautiful sight you've ever seen in your life. You know, it makes my hair kind of stand up now thinking about it. You know what, this guy had let me move in this little shack I was living in and I, I went in my little shack I barred the door and I started drinking. And on January 6th the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life happened. I hit this spot they talk about it in a vision for you and it's the end for an alcoholic says there will come a time you cannot imagine life with alcohol or without it you've been coming to AA for years and years and AA don't work for you the day that alcohol doesn't work for you anymore you will know loneliness such as few people can even imagine you know and that's why everyone in this room we come from different places different experiences different bottoms whatever But that one word, lonely. We all know what that means. We know what it smells like. We know it tastes like we know what it feels like if loneliness would have been a tangible thing I guarantee you it would have eaten me alive says well wish for the end come to the jumping off spot man and what I realized a don't work and alcohol don't work. I pulled up my gun to my heart and I pulled the trigger and I blew my left lung and two ribs out and knocked me all the way across the room and I'm sliding down this wall with blood flying everywhere. And the most peaceful moment of my life, it was this is over with. Thank God this is overwhelmed. And I come to you in this hospital. You thought I died, didn't you? Only the lucky ones get to die. There was this guy in Alcoholics Anonymous who I hated his guts. I'm going to break his anonymity because he's the big meeting, you know. And then there was Charles Tuck. Charles Tuk used to be a gangster from Chicago. He'd been sober so long he told me when he got here they only had one a in this outfit you know and he was one of those grateful recovering alcoholic you know every time he came to a meeting he was always wearing a blue suit the same i think he was born in this suit he slept in it every time i saw him he's wearing his blue suit and he had this big book a bunch of newcomers flocking around him and he came up to me at a meeting one of those times i was struggling and out of here and he got dead in my face he looked me he looked at me says kip he says how you doing i go i'm going fine he goes Yeah, because you think you're pretty tough, don't you, kid? I gave him my best jailhouse look. Looked him right in the eye and I said, I'm tough enough, old man. Don't you ever doubt that. And he laughed. He got this grin. He says, son, you ain't tough. He says. You're the scaredest son of a bitch in this room. That might make you dangerous, but it don't make you tough. And he walked away laughing at me, you know. I avoided that man like the plague. I'd go into a meeting. I'd look in every single window. I'd circle that place to make sure he wasn't in there before I would go in. And I've been in a coma for about a week, you know, and I'm coming out of this dark tunnel and I hear this voice. God only gave one human being this voice of Charlie Tuck's. The deepest, graveliest voice God has ever given a human being. And I hear that voice off in the distance and I open one eye and there is Charlie Tuk standing at the foot of my bed with these two newcomers with their eyes as big as saucer plates. And I know I've died, I've gone to hell, and this is my punishment, you know. I'm going to be chained to a gurney throughout eternity with this old man preaching A&A to me with these two lops looking at me, you know, and I just went, oh God. And Charlie Cox did not say one word to me. He looked at me and he kind of smiled, very gentle smile and he put his arms around this guy, these two young men and he said You see this pitiful human being laying here? I got holes in all, tubes come out of every hole in my body and a few new ones that I'd made. And they go, yeah. They go, pay attention. This is what happens to an alcoholic who doesn't take the steps. Come on, let's go. And they left. I'm very proud to tell you that those two young men take a cake. They are still sober to this day. And they thank me from the podium every year. i was doing active 12-step work long before i got sober you know and i got in i was in that hospital for a long time i was real messed up i got out of that hospital you know and alcohol didn't work nothing worked the loneliness the terror the fear and the loneliness was so overwhelming i just pray i'd scream at god why are you making me stay here let me out of here please just let me die and i come to on may 12th 1984 the same way i've come to a thousand times you know i come through my first conscious thought is i need to get something maybe something will work today maybe something'll take away this terror maybe something will take away the pain and i've been to so many of these ana meetings that all of you had poisoned my mind man because i'm thinking at the same time i'm taking this i hear this voice ringing in the back and it's read the end of chapter five the abcs that i'm an alcoholic I know I'm an alcoholic. I got paperwork from the state of California, man. I'm a chronic alcoholic, certified. I have no problem with this denial part people are talking about. I never understood that. I know i'm an alcoholic. Thank God I'm not. I'm going to be an alcoholic if I had to be like these people. That would have blown my brains out. And the big book talks about that. It talks about it doesn't matter about what I admit to you, what I tell my counselor or my parole officer or my wife or whatever. to my innermost self in here where I live, deep down. What does that really mean? And I remembered. I remembered that morning on that bus. It was like watching a picture of me getting on that boss and seeing that little girl. And I remember the day she was born and I remember that I would have given my life without a hesitation at any time in her life that she was the most important thing in my life. But when I put alcohol in my body from that moment on it doesn't matter about her it doesn' t matter about any of her plans or her dreams or her welfare it sure as hell don' t care it doesn´t matter about mine alcohol is my master it owns me it tells me exactly when I take that drink it starts that chain reaction and it´s just like pouring fire on a gasoline it just says I want more I want More I want MORE it says no human power was ever going to fix me I kept hoping one of you gals in AA were going to fix me some of you tried If you're here tonight, you should have listened to your sponsor. I take no responsibility. When I got to that last part, I've been struggling with since I came in here because of this God thing. If there is a God, I thought he had an awful perverse sense of humor. I cried out to you people's God a thousand times. I criedout to that God, believe me, when I was in that Mexican prison when I first got there. believe me I cried out to that God when my son was laying in that street I cried out to your God when I found my brother with his brains blown out I cried out to this God God never cut me no slack he never cut me nothing he likes those people in the suburbs people like me he don't like he had nothing coming from me and I had nothing coming from him and I knew that deep down without a shadow of a doubt but it says in that book it says no human power but God couldn't would if he were sought and I dropped to my knees that morning in the most sincere moment of my life since I've been on this planet and I said this one little prayer I said, you know, I don't know who you are and I don' t know what you are and I sure hope it don't make any difference but from this day forward I will do anything that you put in front of me if I don''t have to drink and if you're not there I'm screwed and I dont have the vocabulary to tell you what happened but inside here where I live where no one else can see I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I could hold on to that one concept, I wasn't going to have to drink that day. And I got over to Charlie's house and I knocked on his door and he's St. Edie, active member of Aulon, 44 years. She opened the door and she goes, oh, Kip, Charlie's going to be so excited. And she looked at him, she goes you know, you're his favorite. I went, really? i need no one has ever needed to hear that more than me right then she was why don't you come around the porch honey she was let me get you something charlie be with you in just a minute she went took me back there and she brought me a glass of orange juice with k-row syrup in it and she said this will help you a little bit because she saw that i was sick you know and after a while charlie came out and he sat right next to me he looked at me and he said how you doing son i said charlie i don't want to drink no more because yeah i've been saying that for a long time. So what's different? I said, I don't know. He goes, Kip, let me ask you a question. He says, are you done? I looked him right in the eye and I said Charlie, I don't about God but I know you do. And I pray to your God that I'm done. And he goes, boy that's a pretty good answer. He said Kip he says I got some good news and I got some bad news for you. Bad news is people like you don't get sober. You die in institutions. you die on the side of the road they don't even write your name in the paper but it's also very evident to me that I see something in your eye that I've never seen before there's a little glimmer and I believe with all my heart that God has opened a window for you and I suggest you step through with both feet and this is the way it's going to have to be for you one day at a time all the days of your life that absolutely nothing no woman no job no child no nothing in this world can ever be more important than you doing what you have to do to maintain your sobriety and that's a lot more, son, than just going to meetings. Do you understand that? I said, no, but I'm sure you're going to tell me. And it was on Mother's Day and he said, come with me. And we walked across. The public park was right across the street from his house and there were families there celebrating Mother's Day, having picnics. And he dropped down on his knees in front of all these people and I'm looking at him and he says, come on down here. And I went, where are all these people? He says, kid, these people have been stepping over you for years. Get down on your knees. Never be ashamed of your God, that's the only hope you got. And I got down on my knees in front of all those people and he taught me how to pray. And then he took me back to his room. He had a room that he got people sober in. We didn't have hardly any detoxes back then. He took me in this room and he called the guys he sponsored and they started coming over sitting with me. And they would sit with me and they would tell me their stories and share their experience and strength and hope with me, and sat with me! And sat with me!And they would take turns and they did this for five days. And after five days, when the shaking stopped and I could stand up, I said, so now what? He goes, this is a program of action. I said so what do we do? And he said the magic words that I've always thought they should have made a bumper sticker out of it. Some of the most important words a newcomer ever hears. Get in the car. Got in the cars. Charlie was blind in his right eye. He had been stabbed in it when he was a gangster and he had a glass eye. Charlie was actively involved in service. We did on Interstate 5, he had this big old Cadillac. He put those front wheels right on those little dots because he had to talk to you and he had to look at you when he talked at you. And he drove by Braille all the way to San Diego. Billy's ride in New York was pretty heavy, but it was nothing like that one. And by the time you got to San Diego, you knew without a shadow of a doubt that you had a higher power looking out for you, you know? And he took me into the first place I went a five-day sober. He took me in to a three-day detox. I said, what am I going to tell these people? He goes, you're going to talk to them. You're going tell them how it feels to be sober for five days. And I walked out of there. And he goes, that felt good, didn't it? I said yeah. He goes that's what we do here. Charlie said this is what you're going to do from this day forward. You're got to be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every single night. You're gonna be the first one there every day. You'll be there an hour before the meeting starts to help set up, to do anything they ask you to do. You're gunna stand at that doorway and shake hands with every member that walks in that room. You're not going to tell them anything about you unless they ask. You're nicht going to borrow any money from them. You're niet going to borrowed a cigarette from them You shake hands with the women, don't hug them. Stay away from the women. He says, you're going to make a commitment. And this is the word. This is the Word that saved my life and that has changed every aspect of my life. And I've watched this Word get watered down in AA from coast to coast since I've been sober. It's the most important Word we have and it's called commitment. And it means something different in here than it does out there. See, those people's lives are not at stake. My life is at stake, and a commitment as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, when you say you're going to do something here, there's only one excuse for not doing it. You died on the way there, period. Don't commit yourself to something that you don't have the ability to pull it out. But commitments will save your life. He says you're gonna make a commitment to be at a men's meeting. You're gonna be at step study. you're going to be at a tradition study at all times in your sobriety and I have he says, you're gonna get a job, youre gonna get a haircut, your gonna shave, you are gonna start wearing some clothes when you come into my meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous you will treat it with respect and you'll dress appropriately and youll sit and get a cup of coffee and youill sit and youíll be quiet unless they ask you to talk anything they ask, if anything they ask for a volunteer, if your hand isn't the first in the air, me and you are going to have a talk and I said how long I got to do this he goes until you like it and I was at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at least once a day for the next three years and things in my life started changing he told me I had to get a job what am I going to do they don't hire amateur pharmacists no calling for gunslingers I looked in the papers really I did no hit men wanted I said what am I going to do Charlie I've never worked he goes get on your knees you know how to pray I taught you tell God you need a trade and I said okay and I got on my knees and I say okay God Charlie says I need to learn a trade I'll take whatever you got and I walked out I didn't have a driver's license I stuck my thumb out the hitchhike and this pick up pulled right up in front of me and the guy rolled his window down and said hey you want a job very first scared me to death I said why is it he goes it's painting I don't know howto paint And he goes, I'll teach you. I said, okay. I called Charlie. I said Charlie, I got a job. He goes, yeah, what is it? He goes it's painting. That's a good trade for you. You don't have to think very much. Make a commitment to me you're going to work for this man for a minimum of two years. You'll be the very first one there every single day. You'll do anything he tells you to do as long as it's legal and moral. You'll work as many hours as a man asks you to work. You'll never ever under any circumstances ask him what he's paying you because it's none of your business. It's more than your worth. and he set out a course of action for me he took out all, he said you'll never quit you won't get my reason to fire you and that's what you're going to do and he says you'll be at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous every night and that is what started happening and my life started changing I started going to work every single day and learning the dignity of paying my own way in this world through hard sweat and work and that has been a big part of my recovery you know, I got involved in AlcoholicsAnonymous I have fulfilled every single function in AlcoholicAnonymous there is other than delegate San Diego I've been actively involved in the hospital institutional committee I'm past director, co-director, assistant director, and I've chaired every single institution in the San Diego area. You know, I'm secretary of a group, and it's the greatest honor in the world. I get to make coffee at my home group every once in a while, you know? I met her at a meeting. There's a her for all of us. Some of us, several. I met she got sober on the same day I did, and she liked to fish. It had to be God's will, you now? She was a wonderful woman. Don't get me wrong, Connie. She was wonderful woman, and we fell head over heels in love, man. or not, we got married. And we built our marriage on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and we had one of the greatest marriages I know of. And for the next nine years things in my life started continuously improving. I got my contractor's license at three years sober. The state of California gave me my driver's license back and that's a 45 minute pitch in itself. You know, the day I came home with my driver's licence, the phone rang. And I picked up the phone and this girl said, is your name Kip Collins? And I said, yeah. She goes, do you know so and so I said man a long time ago she was that's my mother and you're my daddy and I've been looking for you for a long time and that little girl that was born so many years ago when I was locked up she came into my life and she brought me three grandchildren and I got to go back and I had a good home and I Had a Good Life When She Came Into My Life Thanks To You People and I Got To Go Make Amends To Her Mother And The Family and I Get To Be Part Of That Family And They Came IntoMy Family things started happening man you know that little girl that I drug all over the country one day a man came up and said Mr. Collins I want to marry your daughter and I have to have your permission she told me that I traded that right for a bottle of wine and you guys gave it back to me and I'm going to tell you this she's been married for 10 years now I gave her the wedding I dreamed about the day she was born exactly in this place right at Torrey Pines most beautiful place in California man I pay $300 a month to MasterCard still and I smile every time I write the check you know because you guys gave me that dream back you know I threw that away that little boy they told me to pray that he died I got actively involved in that little boys life I got active with a group of men who had handicapped children they were sober in recovery and they got me actively involved in the Special Olympics in a special school I found out about and I got him up there and at the age of 23 years old that little boy graduated from high school and he walked down that aisle and he gave me his diploma and he told me that he loved me and my life was full you know, I've been the opportunity to speak all over the world and I was speaking in Australia and I fell in love with Australia and I ended up staying there for two months and I did a whole tour nothing but going to meetings all over Australia from coast to coast and when I got back to California I'm sitting in my beautiful house up on the hill I got my boat, I got everything in the world I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life I'm sponsoring half of San Diego you know, I'm speaking everywhere and my life is full and I open up the newspaper and I'm reading this story about a man who broke into this woman's house and raped her all night long in front of her children and when he was done with her he took a knife to her and cut her to pieces and it was my daughter and I got to the hospital and my daughter lived but she lost her breast her face and her left arm I'll tell you all something straight up that I'm absolutely perfectly capable of first-degree murder if you touch one of my children as most of you are whether you admit it or not and I don't know anything about resentments I know about ice-cold rage of getting real quiet inside where I live because I'm making plans for your future you know I know who this man is the cops have already caught him he's in jail I know everybody in that jail. You know, this is not a problem. I can have this taken care of very quickly and efficiently. And I am fighting with myself. Man, I can't go to meetings. I can' t talk about this. I am absolutely insane. Every time I go to see my little girl, I look and it doesn' t even look human anymore. And the pastor said, It' s in the book. Read the book." The answers are in the books, and I get that book out, and I'm reading that book from cover to cover, man, with a dictionary, and I' m looking for a loophole, man. I' M not looking for the solution. And I'll tell you, if there's anyone here tonight that's got a little resentment you can't get rid of, all it says in there is that it's a dubious luxury of normal people, but for alcoholics it's poison. For me to harbor such feelings will cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit and the insanity will return and I'll drink again. My sponsor told me at the gate that nothing was more important than me not drinking. Nothing was more importante than me doing whatever I had to do to not drink. And that book tells me what to do if I don't want to drink when I'm that sick and that angry. It tells me to get on my knees and pray for that human being to have everything out of life I want for 20 days. That's the hardest thing I've ever done since I landed on your planet. I've never done anything. I had to fight myself, but I did it. I got on my knee and I prayed for that animal. That animal was just released from prison. He lives a mile and a half from me. And I'm still dealing. But the insanity went away And I was able to go to meetings, and I was able to talk about it, and i was able to start crying about it. And the people we started talking, I started meeting other men and other women who had similar experience, and they showed me how they walked through that. And I didn't have to drink, and it worked. Right after that, they told me I had cancer, and their gonna cut off my lips. I like my lips, you know, like them right where they're at. I've been chewing tobacco most of my life, and there's a big head of cancer in my lower lip, and we're going to have to remove it. My sponsor said, well, you need to go to talk to another doctor and I went to about six different doctors and I finally found this plastic surgeon who's going to do this radical surgery and he's telling me we're going to do this and this and he says are you allergic to any kind of pain medication and I said I'm only allergic to anything that affects me from the neck up he goes what do you mean I said anything no narcotics you can't put anything in my body he goes you don't understand we can't possibly do this you could never do this I said have you ever seen an active heroin addict he goes oh yeah in a hospital I said no in your living room you put any narcotics in my body I'm moving in with you and your new name is Daddy you know I said I'm going to go through an awful emotional pain right now and I'm recovering and if you put anything in my body to block that pain I'll never be able to stop I know that and I know I'm not telling you I'm a hero and I don't care what you do with your drugs it ain't none of my business I don' t care but I've burned up most of my brain cells on cheap wine and the only thing I know absolutely for certain that no matter what I've got to do to stay sober it's easier to stay sober than to get sober again and I don't play no games with nothing and I went through that surgery and they cut my lip from here to here down to here and put it back together on Novocaine and Aspirin and I am no hero and I did not walk through that with any type of dignity whatsoever I sniveled and cried like a little school girl man and the guys I sponsor they're all like Billy they would come over and start trying to make me laugh you know but they sat with me they sat with me all night every day and talked and took care of me you know and I got through it and I came home from work after I got through that and this woman that I had married Connie I loved her with all my heart the first woman I had ever really shared intimacy I'm not talking about sex I'm talking about taking off all the armor in broad daylight and she didn't back up you know and I loved her with everything I had I'd never loved a woman like that before and something had been going on with Connie. She had gotten a little bit distant but I had been taking care of my daughter and the surgery and I'd been real busy and I came home and she was crying and I said, what's the matter? She goes, Kip, I don't want to hurt you man. I said please don't then, you know. She goes no, she goes, you know what, she says, I can't do this no more. She goes I'm going to drink. I said what are you talking about? She goes sit down. And I sit down and she goes Kip I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with Chrissy and I have to leave or I'm going to drink. I didn't think she was going to tell me that. I didn' t even have a clue she was going to say that to me. And I didn''t know what to do and I jumped up and I just freaked and I started calling her all kinds of names and screaming at her. You know, and I ran out of the house and we're Catholic and I went to our parish and you know, I went and go talk to my priest, a father I might have heard of and his name is Bill Wilson. He's at the big meeting now I've been sober and alcoholic synonymous for 28 years. And I came in here, and I'm telling her, I'm not doing anything. I'm ratting her out to the church is what I'm doing. And I'm talking to her, and I tell him this story to the priest, and he's looking at me, and he says, so what do you think, Father? He says, I think you make me sick. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, you owe that woman an amends. I said, I owe her an amens? Maybe you didn't hear me. He says、 oh, I heard you. He says,, you're always talking about that big book. Have you ever read it? What do you mean? He says., You remind me of that guy on page 61. You know the man. The man that thought he could rest satisfaction out of life if he only does everything just right. You keep telling me what a great husband you've been, that you did this for her, you did that for her and now she's done this. She goes, who in the hell made you God? The bottom of the next page lays it out very clearly. The bottom on page 62, the very first requirement you got to do to do this deal is to quit playing God. Who put you in charge of her sexuality? She goes this woman honored you and she kept her vows to you until it meant her sobriety and the hardest thing she's probably ever done was to come and face you. She could have just ran out and left a lot easier, but she faced you and she told you and you owe her an amends and you go give her a divorce and wish them good luck. And I did. She took my boat. That one took some more work, you know. But you know, me and Connie, our relationship was not just sex we had a good relationship in Alcoholics Anonymous and we had learned to be honest with each other and be able to talk to people about feelings and about what was going on and we both valued each other's sobriety when it finally came to me that her sobrietry was in danger there was no brainer you know and she kept my last name she tells everybody now that she's my sister you know I didn't know you could change a relationship like that you know but I didnít have to throw the whole relationship out it just changed and that healed and we're very good friends today. You know, right after that I got attacked by a dog and it almost tore my arm off and I'm in this hospital and I can't work and the guys are hanging around me and I get out of this hospital after two months I can'T work anymore I've lost everything in the world that I own the house is gone the boat's gone the business is gone my wife is gone my daughter's gone the only thing left is me and my son and me and myself were going to a special Olympics bowling tournament He had the title for the whole Western Coast. And we were going to a playoff, and he got sick. And I had to take him to the hospital. And I sat in that hospital with him for two months. And on October 4th of 1993, he died in my arms. And it was then that I got to know what the promises are. It tells us that, you know. It tells me that I will know what serenity is. It promises me that. I'll tell you what serentity is, Serenity is watching everything that you love. Watching someone you love more than your own life die. And hurting more than you even know it was humanly possible to hurt, but at exactly the same time in your heart of hearts knowing without a shadow of a doubt that this is God's business and it's not personal. And I know that was God's busines. When my son died, I got on my knees and I thank the God of my understanding for you people that you allowed me to be the kind of father I dreamed about being and you taught me how to do it. He and I had the kind of relationship with my son the day he died that any father would have died for. And that's how close we were. And you know, it was just me. I'm 10 years sober. I got nothing. The only thing that hadn't changed was my sobriety date. So I told my sponsor, I want a jam. I need a woman. He goes, what do you mean you need a women? I said, well, I'm a family man. I need her. I need to get a relationship. He goes Kip, listen to me closely. It's absolutely impossible for an alcoholic to have a relationship if they need one. That's not a relationship. You can hurt someone that way. Because you can't have a relation with a woman until you don't need a woman to validate you as a man. And the day that you don' t need a women to validate that you're okay in your skin and you're a whole human being, then you've got something to offer someone, but not until then. You're very damaged goods. You stay away from women. And I said, Can I date? She goes, yeah, but keep it real light. He says, I think it's time for you to go to school. I'd only been to the seventh grade, so I started going to college. I told this professor there, I told him what I wanted to do. They said, it'll take you five years. I said, I'll give you two and a half. And he told me I couldn't do it, but I did it, you know. And I got a bachelor's degree in two and half years, 24 units, no breaks. Pedal to the metal. Is there another way to do things? I don't know. Anything worth doing is worth abusing, you now. And I had one little slip there. I had a one little relationship. It was her fault. She seduced me. And I got a call one day, and I'm sitting in my house watching a ball game, watching the Padres lose, as always. And me and my dog were sitting there in my nice little house, and everything's clean, and the bills are paid, and my boots are all polished, everything's ironed, put away. Everything's great. And I get this call from this real pretty gal I've known for years, and she said, Kip, you've been alone for a long time. And I said, yep. She goes, I was just thinking, why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night and maybe we could mess around? I said wow, I'm very flattered. But you know actually I'm watching this ball game and maybe I could take a rain check and she hung up on me. I went, oh well. And then it hit me, I went whoa, where did that come from? And I went that's what he was talking about. I mean, I think you women were one of the best ideas God ever had. I mean. That was a good day. But I don't need you. You know? And this is what he was talking about. Thank you, God. But if it be your will, I would love to experience true love one more time in my life. But if not, that's cool. I'm already overpaid. two weeks later I'm supposed to speak down in San Diego that night and I get a phone call from this girl I'd had this little affair with it was her mother she goes oh Carmen got drunk last night got in a bad car wreck she's got massive brain damage her legs are broken in about 100 different places she's probably never going to get out of the hospital I said oh my god is there anything I can do to help she goes yeah you can come up here and pick up your daughter I said my daughter what are you talking about she goes you don't know I said know what she goes you've got a three month old daughter i said really she goes yeah and i'm not raising any more kids i said give me your address and i got in my car and i drove up to burbank it's about 100 miles from me i knocked on this apartment door and this lady opened the door said hi kip handed me this bassinet in a bag she shut the door i look at this little girl she looked up at me and smiled and my heart exploded and i fell head over heels madly in love and all the guys they said you got to get the blood test to make sure, that's her baby. I said, no, no no, God gave me this baby. I ain't giving it back to nobody. That's my nanu-nanu Natalie Marie and it was just me and Natalie for about a year and I got to be a sober father she was three months old and I had to have my dream back I had true love. It was just me and her, man, and everything was wonderful in my life and I went to a meeting one night and there was this gal, me and hers, she's very active and alcoholic and she said, would you mind if I hold your daughter? I said do you know how to hold babies? And she goes, yes. And I said, okay, but be careful. So I sat right there and I gave it to her and I kept my eye on her, you know? And I saw the way... You know, you've known someone for a long time and all of a sudden you see a certain aspect that you've never seen before. Just a whole different facet. And I thought, and I saw it the way she was looking at my daughter. And I fell in love with her. And I went up to her after the meeting and I said so how's your husband John? She goes, oh me and John got divorced two years ago. I said oh God, I'm so sorry. I thought you guys were so happy. She goes, well, not really. She goes I wanted to have children and he didn't. I said do you like kids? Do you? She goes I've wanted children all my life. I've always wanted to be a mother. We will have been married seven years in March and Sabrina is the love of my life she's the most wonderful most beautiful woman she's my lover she'smy business partner she'sthe mother of my children she's everything to me the best friend I've ever had in my life there's nobody in this world I trust more than her six years ago I got to go to a hospital and deliver a little boy and cut the cord and his name was Will Casey and he looks exactly like me blonde hair blue eyes pug nose freckles and I called him God's will I've got to annoy him since then is now self-well-run riot. Our preferable name is Wildebeest, you know. I'm going to share two little stories of what you've given me and what it's like today and I'm done. This is very short. All I ever wanted in my life from the time I was a little boy and I can remember men talking about boys what they wanted to be when they grew up. It was never a trade or anything that I ever want. I wanted to become a father more than anything in the world from the times I was little boy. I wanted to have a woman that loved me and respected me. I wanted a neighborhood that when I pulled into my driveway, my neighbors would wave at me. I wanted the respect in my family. When I pull in my house, I have a beautiful home in Southern California. I can see the ocean from it. I got an acre and a half. It's all fruit trees and garden that I've been working on for many years. I collect rare tropical plants. My kids tear off that screen door when I pull into the driveway. They say, Daddy's home. And they run out there. My neighbors all the way up the driveway all wave at me. Hey, Kip, how you doing? A woman, my wife, comes out and greets me and says, Hi, honey. Takes my lunch bill when we go in the house. My little boy, I came home one day and I said, You know, where's Will? And they said, He's down on the playground. And we've got a playground built down at the bottom of our property. And I go down there and I'm looking for him. And I hear this screaming and I look. And he's in this swing and he's completely butt naked. he's got long white blonde hair and he's swinging on this swing as high as it will go it's rocking the whole thing and he is screaming as loud as he can to no one in particular you'll never take me alive that's a thing I will never forget that picture you guys gave that to me my little girl Nanu Nanu I'm getting ready to go speak somewhere one night and I bake her breakfast every single morning and I read with her every night before we go to bed and we pray together at night and we pray together in the morning. And I'm telling her, when I put her to bed, I said, I'm not going to be here, honey. I've got to get an airplane. I'm going to begone before you wake up so you have to get your own breakfast. And she's looking at me and she goes, Oh, Daddy, I'm gonna miss you so much. My heart's gonna be so sad. But Daddy, if you get me some jewelry, it won't be so bad. And those are my kids and if there was ever anything if there was ever anything better than being a daddy God would have kept it for himself I want to thank you for your time I want the invitation to be here tonight with you and share my hope and experience with you and my message to you is this that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is outlined in the first 164 pages will work for absolutely anybody anywhere under any circumstances it doesn't matter what you've done or what you haven't done if you're willing to live by these principles you're going to get the opportunity to experience every moment of your life and you never have to look back again Thank you. That's all I got for you.