The Loneliness of Living With People and Not Being Able to Communicate – Hector E.

hello everybody my name is Hector Elias and I'm an alcoholic hi do I look green it doesn't matter when you're a sex symbol like me doesn't matter I was saying to a friend of mine you know now that I I don't dye my hair anymore and I shave my mustache I'm like I look like a new Ricardo Montalban listen alba i think i'm a sex symbol she says to me hector you're not a sex symbol you're a sick symbol hector see when you're tall young and good looking like me people hurt your guts i was saying to a friend of mine i was talking about buster keaton i said jimmy that's before my time he says hector the only thing before your time is paradise i like to hear people laugh if god says you know that our he wants us to be happy joyous and free laughter is the voice of god and we're trudging the road of happy destiny we're not trudging the road disgusting misery and uh that's what i like hear laughter before i get on with my pitch i want to thank the people who put on this beautiful beautiful convention let's give them all of them a huge applause yeah yeah shaking it bring it down feeling good yay i mean i this is phenomenal job these people have been working for months on this you know i just been finished being like a secretary my my speaker meeting you you know it was only six months by the end of it i was ready to kill a few alcoholics in my group you know and i also want to thank the people uh uh the the coach chair and co-chair of the speaker committee you know rick and mike that was so kind and so loving and so gentle and this fantastic fruit basket they put in my room you know which is beyond description you know i don't think you had to eat now for like three days you know so much food in it um i also want to thank i think is bob that he invited us you know over for uh thanksgiving to his house this was such a powerful meeting i go to a lot of meetings in a in in l.a but it was such a powerful meaning there was such feeling of gratitude of love it was just as that you know we don't have to go the convention after the meeting we had it you know what i mean it was phenomenal i want to tell you that whatever i said from the podium is just my experience and my opinion unfortunately i happen to be very opinionated and i may be wrong but i'm never in doubt okay one of the wonderful things about alcoholics anonymous if we can disagree about many things as long as we don't drink or use and work the steps you know we'll stay sober and change. And change is the most difficult thing we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. If I frown a little bit, and I look down, it's because these lights are very bright, you know. It doesn't matter. I'll suffer, you know. Ah. Anyway, I'm going to start at the very beginning. My father's an Arab, my mother's an Italian, and I was born in Argentina. I'm glad you think it's funny. I think I came out Japanese. They were poor, they were illiterate, they weren't violent, they dressed badly, and they smelled even worse. You know, we were poor. Poor like in Argentina, you know, poor in this beautiful country of ours, you now. It's like middle class all around the world. We didn't have We had dirt floors, no running water, not a bathroom, an outhouse, no heat. So we were real, real poor and I was very ashamed of my home. And I would never invite any of the kids home because I didn't like them to see the way we lived. And they were very violent, my parents. But I didn' t know I was an abused child until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. See here, they give you all these problems. you see I thought all kids got chained to the sewing machine you know oh it was not my mother chained me to a sewing machine it was nothing personal you know she also chained my little sister and the dog you know and um I'm going to tell you a little bit about my parents not because they have anything to do with my sobriety but later on and I tell you how I dealt with that you know in sobriety no i did not go to aca i just worked the steps on them and uh i um and they were really very violent you know being at home was like being in a minefield you know mom uh if i would do something wrong she said i'm not going to chase after you you had to come to sleep and when i was sound asleep at one o'clock in the morning she would uncover me and beat my ass with a shoe and i wake up being beaten up you know like a little kid and don't know what's going on so for the first 18 years of my life i slept totally covered because i didn't know it was coming my father was more violent but he did it less often thank god i want to tell you also neither one of them drank you know nobody in my family drank i'm the only alcoholic in the family so i really did not like my parents my first dream as a child was not to be president of argentina a movie star or a doctor my first dream as a child was to kill my daddy what are you going to do hector when you grow up i'm going to kill my daddy with a dull razor blade and um i i was i grew up you see i didn't grow up to be a very secure young man with a lot of self-esteem but you know when i think back in hindsight i saved myself when i was 12 years old i got into sports and i began going to this gym i come home i drop the books and go to this gem you know in this nice gym and there were kids from middle class neighborhoods you know and they had nice homes with bathrooms and they have like faucets and toilets in the bathroom and they slept in pajamas and they had matching bedspreads and i learned what life was all about in the homes of these kids and when i was 18 years old i left home and i moved away from home and i always dreamed of coming to america and when I was 24 years old I came to America oh by the way I came here legally okay so don't get any funny ideas if you don't like my pitch you cannot call immigration okay and I remember I landed in Miami it was 24 years old and this is 1961 and I tell you in 1961 coming to America was like going to Mars because in Argentina there was no TV yet now with CNN and you know the words the world village right we all know what's going on all around the world but in 1961 it was like going to an adventure going to america it took me 24 hours because in those days the airplanes were propellers 24 hour and i landed in miami and i remember we had a two-hour layover in miame and i got out of the airport and i saw all these new american cars in the parking lot and in 1961 to have an american car you had to be a millionaire so i walked around touching them truly touching them wow in this country everybody's a millionaire i'm in the right place and from there i went to the easiest place from a heck boy from argentina like me to live new york and i remember i had never seen snow and the second day in new yorke snow 14 inches it was about this tall and i walked in it i rolled in it i made a snowman and i threw snowballs i absolutely adored it for a day then it melted you know and it was very difficult at the beginning because you see when you come here legally you have to show that you speak english that you have some money we have a profession and i learned english but in new york nobody speaks english they speak brooklynese so i couldn't understand anybody you know and i had to go to school to learn english and this is my opinion so i hope i don't offend anybody but i feel if i come here i should speak english you know i'm sorry you know and I uh and by the way if you go to Argentina you better learn Spanish we have no bilingual education in Argentina okay so and I I was going and I was going to school to learn English and it was so difficult to communicate it was like being deaf and mute and um and I didn't know I had an accent if you think I have an accent now you should have heard me 35 years ago You know, I remember I was here in this country like for six months and I went to see this movie with this young lady and it was a movie with Gina Lobigian and Rock Hudson. And all of a sudden I realized Gina had an accent. And I said to my date, Boy, she has thick accent. And she says, Oh no, no, it's very charming just like yours. I have accent? And she said, Oh yes, and it's so charming. and I went home and the next day I bought a tape recorder and caca, caca did I have an accent I sounded like Frito Bandido oh god now I sounded like my parents in Argentina you know and I was so ashamed of them I wouldn't be caught dead with my parents in the street they spoke funny you know and I wanted to belong in America you know I always you know when i came here i always wanted to be a wasp you know i i just wanted you know and i used to buy my clothes from brooks brothers you know my three-piece suit with button down uh shirt you know but in those days i had a huge mustache and a huge black afro and and i looked like a mexican yuppie you know I I never belonged you know and I never liked anything about myself that's basically why I drank I remember once I read you know the Leonardo da Vinci who was a genius one of the greatest genius whoever lived he said the perfectly proportioned man is seven times the size of his head now he was a genius so i measure my head now this is extra large okay according to that i am supposed to be seven feet two inches tall every time i looked in the mirror i saw this little midget with his huge head in those days i had an afro so it was even bigger i didn't like nothing the way I talked you see my nose it looks like a bell pepper right I'm glad you think it's funny I had a nose job I'm the only person I know who looks the same before and after I went home and my mother didn't realize I had an old job I was so pissed mom made in America seventeen hundred dollars she didn't like it You know, anyway, and I wanted to, you know, I wanted to belong. I wanted to be an American, you know, so I wanted to socialize. So he told me in order to socialized you had to go to a bar. Now I was an athlete in Argentina and I never drank it. As you know people say they had the first drink and they knew they were alcoholics. I didn't from age 12 until 18 or 10 to until 18. I was at home, you know they always send me a little wine about this much one in the rest of club soda. i will leave half the glass so for me i had to cross the invisible line but i wanted to belong i wanted you meet you you see and they told me in america to socialize you had to go to a bar in argentina we invite you to eat you see oa is very big in argentine you know what i mean and uh so i said i want to go a bar and then meet the americans you know so i i i dressed up my three-piece suit you know my brooks brothers suit and since i didn't speak very good english i said i want to learn how to say you know i learned to say whiskey whiskey you know just like in the movie whiskey okay so i walked into this bar right i never been to a bar and i looked around it was mostly men about two or three ladies you know and most of the men who looked they were tall blonde with crew cuts dark suits and dark ties And I thought there were a bunch of Mormons You see, because Because you see The only Americans I knew in Argentina Were the Mormons' missionaries And they all dressed the same Dark suits, dark tie Crew cuts, you know They used to come to a little town in Argentina To try to change us From unhappy little Catholics To unhappy little Mormons You see Oh, they were very nice people they played great basketball the only problem with them is that they cannot play on sundays you see i didn't know the mormons didn't drink so i thought this was a mormon bar they all looked like mormans to me so the bartender came over right and i didn t know english too well and he goes like you see english to us like spanish to you when you don't know language is gibberish but i was prepared i said say whiskey and he kept going like and i kept saying whiskey you know now in hindsight i realized he was asking me what kind of whiskey on the rocks with soda i don't know i kept saying whiskey whiskey he got pissed so he grabbed this little glass a shot glass that i never seen a shot class my entire life i've never been to about so he puts his little glass in front of me he grabbed this funny-looking bottle with a beak and he goes glug glug and fills the glass the little lesson he puts it in front to me and I look at this little glass and I looked around all the Mormons had tall glasses Why does he give me such a little glass? Is it because I'm short? Or maybe he's trying to punish me Because I'm not a Mormon I don't know But I wanted to act macho, right? So I picked up the little glass And I swallowed the whole thing Oh God! It came out of my ears, my eyes, I almost died. But this guy who was standing next to me, a Mormon that was standing next to spoke a little Spanish, he said, why don't you drink Cuba Libre? Ah, Cuba Libres, easy to pronounce, Cuba libres por favor, Cuba libres, por favor. And they gave me Cuba Libes, rum and coke, it was sweet, and I'm addicted to sugar, I loved it. from then on, I drank everything with Coke. Scotch and Coke. Vodka and Coke! And finally I graduated to Sangria and Coke, that was my drink of choice. Yeah! Sangria and Coke baby! Bring it down, feeling good, woo! And you know, and I kept drinking more and more i really progressed very fast you know i was such a pathetic drunk i am i began because i was always an isolator you know I was always a lonely person and loneliness they call in psychiatry the fear of love if you really get to know me you're not going to like me so I'm not gonna let you get close to me and the book says loneliness affects almost every alcoholics and the worst loneliness is not when you live alone it's when you live with other people with a family and you cannot communicate even with them and I didn't understand it because you know in a year and a half you know I was in America I already have my apartment I had the right clothes I have the furniture from Bloomingdale's as an hand cut glass you know baccarat glass and I I had the ties and the suits. I had gone to Europe and visited nine countries. I had achieved the American dream. I have this apartment, looking to Manhattan. How come I still feel like a piece of garbage? And you told me why when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. You told me I was looking for a material solution to a spiritual problem. And you taught me nothing that I can see with my eyes can fix my insides. You told mean the purpose of this program is established in page 45 this is lack of power that was a dilemma then that's the main purpose of his book is to help you find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem it's not an apartment it's a girlfriend a boyfriend it's that clothes it's another job it's the power greater it on yourself that will solve the problem i didn't know i wanted those things that i had seen in american magazines in argentina and i had them and i was a very miserable young man and i began drinking more and more and i have my first suicide attempt because i was always depressed i had a phd in depression you know what i mean you don't say good morning to me i'll kill myself and i remember taking the first 40 pills you know and i remembered the feeling you know it was like a horizontal line coming down oh this is so cool so peaceful i don't have to be tall i had to be good looking i don' t have to conquer new york i'll have to speak perfect english this is SO peaceful i was dying total surrender and i didn't know it the chicken that i am i pick up the phone and i called my friend rudy and rui's wife had done the same thing you know I said Hector if you don't call me from the hospital in ten minutes I call the cops well my God I want to be dead but I don't want the cops in my house how embarrassing so I floated to Bellevue which is five blocks away and they pumped my stomach and they made me see shrinks and I began seeing shrinks and I saw lots of shrinks for a long time and I begun with more suicide attempts and i always was depressed and you know i i know what's going to fix it i know what's gonna fix it if i become an actor if i can you know become an act and everybody loves me i'm gonna be okay and i became and i was gonna be the greatest actor who ever lived i was going to do richard iii better than olivier in london now that's kind of difficult when you can't speak english and i began an actor you know and i said well if i see myself on tv in a commercial i'm going to be okay and i saw myself on a commercial and i was not okay and i saw my self in two commercials and i wasn't that okay ah any idiot does commercials actor even joe nim with that commercials no no no you had to do theater theater you know you had to do the real thing and i got into this play and this play with joseph papp did we did off broadway we went to broadway and we won all the awards on broadway we won the tony which is equivalent to the oscar in movies i remember the first preview that i walked on stage on broadway's i couldn't remember my lines because oh my god from argentina to broadway oh my God from Argentina i was thinking i blew the scene because i couldn''t believe that this piece of garbage was on broad way and you know i continued drinking more and more i had too much suicide attempts and i got more depressed i was so lonely sometimes i used to come to my apartment oh my beautiful my apartment is on fire at least the firemen will be there and we'll have something to talk about and finally you know after all this depression all this drinking i had a moment of clarity we all do and i realized what my problem was. New York. This is a very isolated, hostile town. All these horrible people. I have to move to a more nurturing, caring, loving place. So I moved to Hollywood. And you know, I was always an isolator. But I mean, when you are in New York, you go down the elevator, you open the doors, you go outside, it's 10,000 people. They are all ready to mug you, but they're there. In L.A., everything is two miles away. You need a car to go to the bathroom, you know what I mean? I became more isolated. And, you know, and I got successful. I did this TV show, and a guest star in this other TV show. And still, I felt like a piece of garbage. And all of a sudden, I realized, well, who's going to fix it if I get a Mercedes? And I used to get drunk with sangria and coke And go to the Mercedes showroom in Hollywood And start crying, asking God for the Mercedes Oh please God, give me Mercedes If I have one of those yellow Mercedes I'm going to be so happy Please, I want that one And God got pissed off And he says, I'm gonna show you little asshole He stole my Mustang and I went out and bought a Mercedes and I couldn't believe this piece of garbage had a Mercedes you know and I used to go to the supermarket it was two blocks away I have no friends to visit okay so I come home instead of going home I had to drive the Mercedes I drive around the block you know singing I have a Mercedes cookie cookie smells like leather cookie, cookie, I have a Mercedes. And I didn't think why I came here, my life was unmanageable, you know. And I remember at night, I used to go down the elevator, you know, and in the garage, and baby talked to my Mercedes in Spanish. Ay, que lindo el mercedito, que bonito que esta. Pues mira, que lindol amarillito. God, it was so sick. and it didn't fix it you know and uh i kept drinking more and more you know i know i was never into pills you know only when i would try to kill myself i get some pills and try to kill myself but i i remember somebody once gave me what they call a blue beauty or something he says hector this will give you a lot of energy and i took one of those one of ghost and I cleaned my apartment three times in one day. I said, never again. I'm clean but not that clean. You know, and I'm a Latino actor. You know, I'm always playing bad guys, you know. I am always molesting somebody. I killing somebody.I sold children. I sold dope. I've been handcuffed on TV more time than the menendez brothers you know what i mean i i'm always playing bad guys you know and finally i got this part you know in a movie of the week for tv called wanted the sundance woman and i was going to play a good guy it was a sequel to butch cassidy and sandan's kid with catherine ross and i'm gonna got a good part of a good guy i'm going to say pancho vegas right-hand man a heavy duty mexican bandido with a you know with a mustache and the bullets across the chest and the hat and the guns and i am going to save the girl oh i was so happy i'm not gonna have sex with the girl you know what i mean i was gonna save the girls hey it's progress not perfection at least you know they don't kill me so they gave me the part and i go home you know and they forgot to ask me something so the director calls me at home and says hector can you ride a horse can i write a horse i'm a gaucho from argentina i was born on a horse senor you know i lied so we go to tucson and we do all the exteriors now we're going to do the interiors right no we do old interiors with all interiors now we're gonna do exterios we're to ride around the jail and save catherine ross so we are going to rehearse now so they put me on top of that stupid animal the horse and you know if you write properly this is a horse this is you nice when i did it was like oh the director didn't think it was funny he got very upset he cursed Hector, you lied to us. We told you, you know, this man and the horse are like a unit. Why did you lie to us? Well, make your practice. They put me on top of that stupid animal for four hours. I couldn't get off. When I got off, I could not get my legs together. And my ass was a huge blister. I couldn'T sit. So I got half a gallon of sangria, some Coca-Cola. i went to my room in the hotel and i did what we all do i soothe my pain and then the next day we'll get on the set i said to the director i cannot sit on that horse my my ass is a huge blister sir we don't give a damn if you die you're gonna do it and you know what they did they got some wet towels from the hotel and they put it on top of the thing what is that thing called the saddle the saddle they put wet and it was so embarrassing i'm playing this heavy duty macho bandido you know with wet towels underneath my ass and everybody's watching me so now they lined us up you know and we're going to go and save the girl and and the way they do there were six principal the six of us you know in the extras were in the back and also on horses and and what they do is they have the wranglers, yeah, the Marlboro guys, the wringlers, holding the horse, the sixth principle, when they say action, they slap the horses in the ass and they take off like crazy, right? So the wrangle is right there and they give me the gun. Except don't cock the gun until you're galloping and only shoot in the air. Those blanks are very dangerous. Remember the guy who killed himself for the blank? The actor? John Hoxton or something? Okay, so if I get you this close, I'll blow your eyes out, right? But I'll have a hungover. so I said I'm going to get a shot just one shot so I cut the gun I'm like this and the horse goes boom I shot the wrangler in the ass oh he didn't think it was funny so we're going to do a retake right so the wrangle is holding the horse now like this but I'm an alcoholic but i'm not stupid okay i caught the gun again but i put it next to my leg and boom oh my god i shot my leg my costume is in flames i don't care i want to save the girl i'm an alcoholic so we saved the girl when i finished the take my whole costume is inflamed they throw me on on the floor, because some blankets, they put out the fire, you know, and they rushed me to the hospital. I have a hole about this big in my leg, and arrest me to the hospital, and then they rushed me into LA, and I was in the hospital for a whole month. I had two operations, one to remove the infection, because he got infected, and another operation for his skin graft. While I was in the hospital, my agent didn't send me flowers. I'm very sensitive. They don't send me flowers, I'll kill myself. So I asked my friend Irene to bring me some sleeping pills that she did and I took about 40 of them. Well, I wanted to sleep. And so, and that was my last suicide attempt and my best one. I was in coma for three days in intensive care unit. While I was in coma, I had two cardiac arrests. My heart stopped twice and I developed pneumonia. I was basically dead for three days. I had everything. I had a brand new Mercedes, the most beautiful wardrobe you've ever seen, a gorgeous apartment, nice clothes, a beautiful view of Los Angeles. I enough money in the bank to live a whole year without working. The only thing I didn't have, the only thing that was missing was Hector. I didn't know who I was. One of you defined me when I came to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. This man said I was a huge ball of fear covered with little human skin. That was me. The book says, fear is the overwhelming quality of all alcoholics. It equates fear to a thief because it steals us of our lives. When I woke up in the intensive care unit, I was tied up, my arms, my legs, I had 15 cubes this way, that way, this way. My crotch was a huge blister because I kept urinating and defecating on myself. I was really dead for three days. Anyway, I got out of the hospital real quick and less than two and less than a length of the week and it was too fast. When I went home, I was so weak that I could not get into the elevator because if you did, the door would knock me over. That's how weak I was. I was 42 years old. Anyway my shrink sent me to Alcoholics Anonymous. He said Hector you're an alcoholic go to Alcoholics Anonymous what are you sure Mike yes I'm sure go and I went to a meeting it was seedy and dark and I said oh caca caca this is not for me I'm a winner you know what I mean I don't belong here and and then I said my shrink is going to forget so two weeks later he says Hector do you go to AA I said well well Mike listen I went to that place it's despicable I don'T belong there says HECTOR there are thousands of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in Los Angeles, go to another meeting. And I went to another meeting. It was larger and it was very bright and somebody was playing the piano. I said, oh, this looks like a musical comedy. I think I belong here. You know? And I truly, truly love AlcoholicsAnonymous. And not a visitor here, I'm a member of Alcoholic Anonymous. and I do all the things that I suggested in our groups and in the book you know, I call AA the mafia of love newcomers, once you come to a few meetings you can get out we are everywhere parking lots the gym, bullocks the broadway, luckies Especially newcomers When you're coming out of the 7-Eleven Or one o'clock in the morning With a little brown bag You'll see one of us And we'll say, hi We haven't seen your meetings Anyway, newcomers Stay with us Nobody wants you anyway No, no, no Reani, newcomer Stay with her let us love you until you learn how to love yourself until you because that's what this is all about it's about loving and letting you love me I'm gonna talk now by surprise the rest of the pitch because that the most important thing and um when I came here if I'm income a Catholic background I had a great deal of you know and I got a sponsor you know in the first half year and a half like I didn't get a sponsor because I knew that I had to do fourth and fifth and I didn't want anybody to need to know me because I'm a piece of garbage and I got into other things in sex and I've got into food you know and they told me that was replacing one obsession with another obsession and they tell me Hector here we turn our will on our lives or to the care of God not to the car refrigerator you know what I mean Haagen-Dazs is not a good name for a higher power Hector and so finally I I got a sponsor and I did the fourth and fifth you know but i i had difficulty with god and i had to find a god that i could understand and i i found the description of god i want to share with you but remember whatever i say from the podium applies only to me okay i find this definition of god that really helped me and it says by joel goldsmith he says regardless of how high my concept of god is it is wrong because it still a concept eventually i have to lose all concepts and reach the consciousness that god is and then leave the subject alone because with the mind i'm never going to know what god is and the big book of alcoholics and animals on page 46 says exactly the same thing it says even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that power which is god and on page 53 it says, God is everything or else he is nothing. God either is or he isn't. What was our choice to be? And that works for me. I know that God is, but I cannot understand God. God cannot be described with human words, you know, but i know that god is. How do i know the god is? You proof of it. you not only because you believe in God and try to act God's will not only do you stop drinking but you change your lives this room is full of miracles I remember this guy who came to our men's tag he had been in 11 institutions really certifiable nuts you know and 4 years later in sobriety and alcoholics he graduated from college magna cum laude Excuse me, but that's a miracle. Somebody said, you know, a church, a synagogue or a temple is the house of God. But an AA meeting is God's workshop because He loves through us. And I came to believe just for me, just for Me, that God is incomplete without us because He needs us, because He lives through us He needs our touching, our hugging, our smiling, our kissing, our caring because he loves through us. That's why God says, if you believe in me, I am. Because that's what I believe God is. It's a spiritual idea. The book says that. It says, page 52, our ideas did not work, but the God idea did. And there's a lady, a British theologian, and she wrote a book, came out two years ago, called The History of God. And this is a great authority, you know? And she says, you know, through the thousands of years we used to have, many thousands of years, humanity, man had like a, every religion had like six, seven gods. A god for love, a god for war, a God for famine, you know. Eventually three major religions, all the major, he became, ended up with one God. It's called monotheism. And she asks the question, why is human beings always searching, you now, for having a god a relationship with a higher power and she says because we have a meaning to our lives give them more value and she also says in the book she says in the book that probably god is man's most interesting idea you know and i i thought once i got my concept of god and this i got this knowledge i got you know about two years ago about working the steps and i work the step and i stay sober and i do commitments and i pray and i meditate but about two years ago i realized about the steps you know we all say the steps are going to keep us over yes the end result of working the steppes is sobriety but just for me the 12 steps of alcoholics have not to achieve sobriete the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are spiritual tools to develop a conscious contact with God if you notice in the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous the word sobriety is not mentioned recovery is not mention not even the word alcoholism is mentioned but there is one word that is mentioned nine times in the twelve steps of alcoholic synonymous check it out that word is god god and so i came to believe you know just for me like the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and then you know our spiritual tools to develop a conscious contact with God on page 32 of the 12 or 12 it says the fact was we really had not cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession therefore we remain self-deceived and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore to sanity ah so that's what I have to do receive enough praise to restore me to sanity and what is God's grace the book doesn't define God's Grace in the easiest way to say it I was told taught here if God's greatest an unmerited gift I haven't done anything to receive that gift from God and God's grace is available to everybody God's great you know it's like like the sun when the Sun comes out he doesn't shine just on this sober people of alcoholics anonymous or people who go to church of some synagogues the Sun shines on everybody it's available to everybody but if I locked inside my house and I pull down the curtains I really shut myself from the sunshine of the spirit that's what the book says you know there's always these examples it's parable that's given you know everybody's a lamp but only the lamp is plugged to the electricity cannot shine. So if I want that God's grace working in my life, I have to make myself a recipient of that grace. How do I do that? Very simply by working the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know there are workshops and beautiful tapes about the 12 steps but I'm going to go through them in five minutes. The first step says I have a problem. The second step says that I need a solution. The third step says the solution is God. I had to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. In very simple terms, my will is my thoughts. My life is my action. My life is a sum total of my actions. A man is not judged by what he drives, how he dresses or how much money he has in the bank. A man is judged by his actions. Somebody once said in Alcoholics Anonymous, your actions are so loud, I cannot hear what you're saying. So now I'm at step three and I had to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. How do I do that? Very simply by working the rest of the steps. Now I had to do an inventory because the book says I'm blocked from the sunshine of the Spirit. I have these blockages. What are these blockage is? These blockages are my character defects and I have to list them and then go and share with God and other human beings because I practice all this garbage on a daily basis and they're keeping me from the sun shine of the spirit and this fourth and fifth is a relationship with myself and he has two purposes one is very humbling and I had priests I have confession I have five shrinks before I came to alcoholics anonymous and they're wonderful people but the reason why alcoholics and arms works for me is because it's designed by alcoholics for alcoholics it's custom made for me so I I used to tell my shrink this and that it's quite different when you sit in front of another person and you tell them your entire life is very humbling and also what happens is if your sponsor doesn't write you realize you know you're not such a flake you know that's that you freak he's done the same thing I was so afraid that you would not like me and when I came to alcoholics Anonymous, I met all the other Hector's. Some were black, some white, some Gentiles and Jews, some male, some female, some are gay, some straight, some old, some young, some fat, some skinny. All the other Hector's. This is a spiritual program. It's a communion with the spirit and the wonderful thing about the spirit, all the spirits are equal. We don't care where you come from what you've done what you look like we love you so now a step five now how to go home and for an hour look on my list of the things I've done and then do ask God six getting ready in seven ask God to remove these defects and the book says that most of them will be removed with some of them I'll have to be content with improvement. That's why Bill Wilson later on designed step number 10. So now I ask God to remove them. Am I ready to receive God's grace? Well, not really. I have all this garbage I've done when I was drinking. I fondly carry so and so. I rob from you. I kicked your dog. I did certain such to do. And over there, I cannot walk over there. walk like this so I had to do eight and nine eight and minus my relationship with the universe with all of you now the channel is clean can I receive God's will God's grace yes I can there's a problem I've been an alcoholic as an alcoholic I'm going to screw up on a daily basis so Bill Wilson gave the step number 10 which is a daily tool to really keep the channel clean what we were wrong we promptly admitted it so to be ready to have that you know that relationship with God now we come to step 11 prayer and meditation and that's what I had to do to improve my contact with God prayer and meditation and I know some people poopoo you know sometimes you know prayer and meditation very phenomenal tools they've been around for thousands a year before alcoholics synonymous with a glint in God's eyes. And what is prayer? Prayer is a dialogue with God. Man has always longed for the relationship with God and prayer is the proper vehicle to talk to God. And most of us don't like prayer, and we get tired of prayer. We have to do it over and over again. And it takes great faith could keep on praying when we don't see material results you know and the thing about prayer is even when I don't feel like doing I have to do it because if I want to develop a relationship with you or with you yeah I want you to be my friend I'm gonna go and have coffee with you talk to you on the phone I had to spend some time with you so how come I cannot spend five minutes a day with my higher power which is the source of my fulfillment which is a greatest power who ever lived the greatest talent the most incredible thing how come I cannot spend five minutes and I can spend two hours watching stupid negative TV and I cannot spend five minute with God on my knees and the proper way to I pray during today sometimes I thank God but you told me the proper page the proper way to pray is on my knees just to show and no being on my knees is not a position of comfort it's a position of reverence and respect for my higher power and i had to set every day at time to talk to my higher power it told me because that's the source of all my happiness and all my well-being and what do i do after i pray i shut up that's meditation i shut out the material world I shut out the material world. And I had to do a sitting down in a comfortable position so I forget about my body. Meditation is not a mental experience or a body experience, it's a spiritual experience. I had go to a higher plateau. Remember, the book says the disease is spiritual, physical and mental. We should take care of the spiritual melody and the other two will follow. and I have to just sit quietly and go deep within myself where the kingdom of God is and no, I cannot skip meditation. I have do it. Somebody said silence is the highest form of prayer and if I want to achieve any wisdom you see, the first step to wisdom is silence. The second step is listening. that's why God gave us one mouth but two ears I have to listen what I'm talking to you I'm learning nothing because I'm talk about ready I read something already know but tomorrow or this afternoon when I heard the beautiful pitch by Camille I learned something because that's why I still come to Alcoholics Anonymous because God speaks to me through you you know okay so now I develop the modicum of spiritual enlightenment I am a little bit spiritual. And trust me, I'm not a spiritual guru. I mean, I sound like Mother Teresa from the podium that put me in traffic and I become Charles Manson. I don't walk like I talk. I still goof off. I still make mistakes. But I'm a good person. I have a good program. I'm Not Perfect. Please, I'M NOT PERFECT. So now that I achieved this spiritual enlightenment a little bit of a spiritual enlightenment what is the purpose of that only one and only one to help you i can be the most enlightened person walk on water unless i'm helping to another alcoholic my program is worth nothing the book of alcoholics anonymous says faith without works is dead and he says it twice you know why do I have to help you you told me in order to keep it I have to give it away you know spiritual affluence spiritual affluents the word affluence come from the French affluent means to flow I have two keeps you know this spiritual power going going and you told me the only the only thing that I can keep is what I give it away I mean the only think that I will own is what I can give away Khalil Gibran a great poet once said when I die or we die the only thing we take with ourselves is what we have given away and the most precious thing we can give way as they give to oneself that's step 12 anyway I did my my amends and I cleaned up my house you know but the most difficult thing for me to do and I did all my steps I have a sponsor I sponsor people have two commencement day I go and answer the phones I'm really connected to alcoholics and I'm not because I'm good not because I'm spiritual because I am a flake and if I stop going to meetings and being in contact with you, I'll drink. I have to come here to be reminded of the things I already know. And so I did all the things that I was supposed to do, but you know, I hated my parents. I disliked them so much. I dislike them so much. And you told me that not liking my parents was like being an apple, but not liking apple trees. If I don't like my source, how am I going to feel good about myself? And I discovered something about parents. It's like we have double standards in Alcoholics Anonymous. If a newcomer walks through that door and he says, I just came out of jail. I was in jail because I killed five people, robbed 15 banks, and I just kicked my dog. Oh, welcome! You're one of us. Do you want some cookies and coffee? And later on we'll take you out to dinner. Instant forgiveness. Not with our parents. they had to be perfect are we perfect? I don't know about you but I don' t know when I went to do my 8th and 9th I didn' t want justice I wanted forgiveness and if I was to get the justice for all the garbage I did when I was drinking you don' T want to be standing next to me when I get it and the book says that resentment is the number one offender it is fatal it kills more alcoholics than anything else and he doesn't exclude parents and I had to do inventories and yes my mom chained me and beat me up but that was 25% of equation you know I had to look at the whole thing she was an Italian person who married when she was 15 she never went to school and that was wrong and I 25% was wrong And I do not condone child abuse. But I do that. I did a lot of garbage that I want to talk about from the podium when I was drinking. And I want you to forgive me. And I don't want you and I want You to love me. And I look at the other 75%. There's no welfare in Argentina. My mom worked every single day from 6 o'clock in the morning until 11 o' clock at night at two jobs. My father beat her up. She beat us up once more. But you know, I remember when I was six years old. We didn't have money for a Christmas tree. My mom grabbed a broomstick, some wire, some crepe paper and she made a Christmas tree. Four branches, five branches, six branches about this tall. She went out with a quarter and she bought a Christmas point and four Christmas balls. But guess what? I had my Christmas tree and when Iwas 12 years old working at two jobs, she gave me a bright new bicycle imported from Italy. That was 50 years ago. It's almost like buying a kid a convertible now. She was doing the best she could with the tools she had. We don't have no heat, so at night she would hit this brick and wrap it in old rag, and she would warm up the bed and put the brick on my feet, so I would stay warm. Sure, she did the best she could, the tools she had. Yes, she made mistakes. So did I. And I want you to forgive me. When I had two years of sobriety, I sent my mom a ticket. She had never been on a plane. And she came to Los Angeles. And in my apartment, she had a ten feet tall Christmas tree, twelve feet tall. Twelve feet tall Christmas tree. Real pine. Decorated in her favorite colors. Pink and red. And she had thirty-three presents underneath the Christmas tree! It took me a whole week to wrap them. you know and I told my mom how much I loved her and I thanked my mom for all the sacrifices she made and my mom is a good ma'am mom she's the best she could with the tools she had and I'm a good son and I brought her another time with my sister and I remember once when they were talking in the living room talking to my sister my mom said you know to my sister Olga you know what I wish for all the mothers in the world and Olga said what that they could have a son like my Hector. That's as good as it gets. My mom died a month and a half ago and I'm okay. I'm Okay. Because that relationship is healed. I love my mom and she's in heaven. She was 90 years old. The relationship with my father was a little more difficult. Finally he left my mom, he moved to Syria, married and he had a different family altogether. hadn't heard from him in 12 years and he sent the letter from Syria saying you know oh son how are you I haven't heard for me in such a long time how are you doing oh by the way I need some money to pay some taxes can you send me some money oh and my family here says if nobody talks to me from the other side of the ocean I must have done something wrong if I did I apologize you bastard did you do something wrong and I began writing back listing everything he did wrong and now I'm sober and alcoholics anonymous that I don't lie and it was a long list long list and then I made a mistake I asked an old timer what to do and she said to me Hector if your father took 10 years or 12 years to write to you why do you have to answer right away and Hector would you rather be right or would you rather be at peace. I want to be right. I waited my entire life for this moment. Fat chicken shit that I am. I sent the letter, but it was not enough. I forgave him. I sent a loving letter. About five years ago, I went to see the shrink who sent me to AA, and I went for a few sessions. I don't go to him for sobriety. I love the man. He likes so much what happened to me, he sent six other people to AA. And I don�t know, I was feeling uncomfortable. And after two sessions, he says, I know what the problem is. He said, you have to go and spend some time with your father in Syria. Syria? Syria as full as Syrians. They all look like my father, Mike. I thought it was the stupidest thing in the world and twice as stupid coming from a man who's so intelligent as him. You know, but I'm a people pleaser. And so I called my father in Syria, you know, and he sounded senile on the phone so somebody else talked on the telephone and I landed in Syria at the Damascus airport. And this giant who used to beat me up, it was about this tall little man old man with just a few you know white hairs on the side and his funny baggy pants and he comes over and rests over and he hugs me he kisses me and he's sobbing he's touching my face and he is sobbing and grabbing me and I'm sobbing with him and his entire family is crying I'm crying with these people I don't know with this man I don t really no this is my dad I don't know my dad I never talked to my dad my dad never said Hector how you doing in school he never did that so then he grabs my hand like a five year old and he takes me to his hotel in Damascus and in the hotel he told me he couldn't sleep for three days because he was so excited that I was coming and my brother in law says no he was not seeing out when you called him on the phone he was sobbing so much he couldn't talk on the phone so we had to grab the phone away from him and then he took me to this little village where he lives and this is a very poor village Syria is a really frightening place because everything is like an army you know what I mean, everybody is in green uniforms even the kids go to elementary school in green uniform there are cannons all over the place I've been in 20 countries but I've never been afraid I was in East Germany when it was communist I was not afraid but I was afraid in Syria and he took me to this little village and he told me his story he never had a father his father died when he was 6 months old his mom was 15 years old she never went to school my daddy never wentto school how is this man going to know how to be loving, caring, nurturing father he had no idea he was to Argentina when I was 16 or 17 then he married my crazy mother he had NoQ you. But I realized he loved me, he always loved me. I just did not love him. I wanted somebody like Nelson Rockefeller, property, money and prestige. But this little, little peasant, this man is my daddy. He made me dress in a suit in this very poor village. He sat me in the living room, put some food in front of me, steak because steak is very expensive and he made me eat it while i was eating he invited all the villages from the village to come and look at my son from america that's my son for america and they would come and shake my hand and talk arabic i don't know what they were saying but that's how proud he wasn't even a blind person without shoes walking to the house and they guided his hand to touch my face It was an incredible scene. It was just expression of his love. And I stayed there for six, no, seven, eight days and I photographed my daddy and I have some videos of my daddy. When I left Syria at the Damascus airport we both really sobbed and we embraced and sobbed and we embarrassed and sobged. And I said, Daddy, I'm very very proud that you are my daddy and he just looked at me and said son I'm ten times more proud that you're my son and this trip here is the most beautiful gift anybody could have given me no money in the world could buy something more beautiful than this now I can die in peace and we hugged and hugged and sobbed and I left And when I came to America, something had changed. You see, I always looked like a man. I sounded like a men. I accomplished like a male. I dressed like a female. But inside I was a 12 year old child. Because you see, being like a woman is like being a man in the world. Being like a real man was being like my father. And I hated my father I don't want to be a man because that's a man and now I know what a real man is or a real woman It's somebody who is at peace with himself. Has nothing to do with what I own, what I drive, you know, what my house looks like. And I have a beautiful home. I live an upper middle class life. And that's good. Having money is good. I just have to understand that that gives me physical comfort. Inner peace comes from a relationship with a higher power through the 12 steps of alcoholic synonymous. It comes from helping you, for loving you. It's wonderful that you love me. But it's infinitely much more important that I love you. The only healing love is the love I give you. That's why the big book says when everything else fails it doesn't say go out and buy another cashmere sweater. When everything else fails, go and find a newcomer to help and to work with and to care for I'm selfish and self-centered and I have to get off that I have got to get God-centered so I'll be good enough to help you you know once I saw a movie called The Elephant Man it's a movie about a very ugly deformed person really deformed who lives in the streets and he's from the garbage cans and he dresses in rags and he smells real bad. He's like a monster and the children throw rocks at him and they chase him because he's so ugly and he's a very pathetic thing and this doctor and this nurse pick him up and they bring him to the hospital to study him and they bathe him they put fresh clothes on him and they treat him with love and lo and behold he's very articulate it. He's quite smart. And you look at him in the film and the face hasn't changed. It's the same person, but you get a chance to see what's inside of him, the child of God. And I look at Him and say, I like this God, this guy. I could be his friend. And he's kind of talented. He is almost like an architect. And He begins with some little church. And some ladies come and partake in conversation with him you know and they kind of like him and when I saw this it says wow this is a story of all of us in Alcoholics Anonymous we can hear feeling ugly inside and out and this beautiful program this beautiful program these meetings you know the love the understanding the care the nurturing the guidance that we get in this meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and this phenomenal program, little by little, the layers built on fear ever so gently come down. And they come down and then come down until the most beautiful person in the world emerges, ourselves. You see, we're all children of God. God made no mistakes. We just have to get in touch with it. That's what he and AA would call an inner journey. God is not out there trying to get in. He's in here. The kingdom has got in here, try to get out. How do we do that? By staying sober, working the steps with the help of the sponsor, by getting involved in service, by giving, by loving, by touching, by smiling. You know, I came here 16 and a half years ago. A pathetic, little, frightened man. And I came here just to stop drinking. And you beautiful, beautiful people of Alcoholics Anonymous taught me how to live. You're such a great loving teachers. Please keep coming back. I want more. You're not finished with me. You're never finished with my. I love you. I love and thank you. Thank you.