The Joy of Guiding Someone Into the Steps – Joe M.

yeah but how do you really feel God I'm glad to be here I'm just excited by the way I'm Joe Murphy and I'm an alcoholic. Can you hear me? Is that good or bad? You know, I came in last night. I'm afraid to fly right for openers, and I want to thank Phyllis. I don't see her, but there she is. If it wasn't for PhyllIS, I would have never came because she had to hold my hand on a plane and like that. So I just wanted to thank her. I want to thank the committee for asking me to come here. I especially want to thank my wife who stayed home so unselfishly and gave me the opportunity to come, and I just wanted to say that, get that in for her because she's very special to me. She told me not to curse too much, which I don't know I'll do or not. The way it goes is the way it goes. She was all nervous about what are you going to talk about? I I don't know what I'm going to talk about. I never know what I'm gonna talk about when I'm invited to speak. I just go, and I know that's why they do that to me too. Did you ever notice when they ask you to speak somewhere, they always get someone who you've sponsored, you know, and you've given them that pitch about doing for AA and giving back and all that kind of crap, you know. And they believe it, you know. So that's why they always get... When he first called me to speak, I'm always very nervous before I speak. I don't know why. I know y'all love me. Don't you? but I'm always very nervous when Lee called me in Las Vegas and asked me he said would you come and speak I said no I'm going to be out of town that weekend you know which weekend is it and he says oh it's the 16th he said and I know you're not going to be outof town you know well that's the weekend I'm gonna die so I I mean, you know, so it's just one of them deals that they get you to do these things. But I'm so glad once I finally decide I'm going to do it because I feel good about it, you know? The deal of the convention or the stampede or whatever it is, is serenity and courage and wisdom, I won't talk about. But I will talk about Alcoholics Anonymous and what it means to me and if I've gained any of them things, they're a gift of Alcoholics Anonymous just like everything else in my life has been. It's been a gift of Alcoholic Anonymous. And for that, I'm thrilled to death. I'm thrilled to death to be in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'll just say a few things to let you know that I am an alcoholic and to help you relate with them if you can't relate with anything else. I don't like to give a big drunk-a-log and like that. And I refuse to do a fist step, I won't do that. I got sponsors here, I did that with them. So you're not going to hear all the gory details about me. But for me coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was thinking back on the flight when I came here. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous absolutely for all the wrong reasons I came to Alcoholic Anonymous. I, I came here to get out of jail and to stay out of jail is actually why I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm a believer that it really don't matter why you show up at AlcoholicsAnonymous, because most of us do not just wake up and say, well, I want to do something about my drinking problem, I'm as shit, and I'm going to go to AA. Most of us just don't do it that way, you know. We're either chased here by a mate who is half nuts because she's still with you, you know, or we come through jail or wherever we come from, you know. But the idea to me is once I get here, once I get here, then why do I want to stay here in Alcoholics Anonymous and try to get the program of recovery, try to practice it in my life, and try to share it with others. And once I make that commitment, then I feel I'm ready to get into the program Alcoholics Anonymous. I came when I was in jail here. Do we have an ashtray? Or is this an ashray? Thank you. I had come to Greeley. This is where I got sober, so Greeley is very special to me. You know, I had came to Greeley from California. I was in California trying to support my drinking habit and I wasn't working so of course I was having problems with the law in California, so I thought it was a good idea to leave California at that time. I have left a lot of places like that. When Rich was saying that I've been all these places and lived all these place. This is since I've been sober. When I was drunk, it was very strange, very, very strange. But when I came to Greeley, I was in the last stages of alcoholism. I didn't know that at the time. And I was trying to support my habit here. I could no longer physically work. I could no longer physically steal very good, as a matter of fact. This is why I was in jail. These things dawn on you as you talk, you know? But I was up at Jocelyn's Rosalind's up here shopping, and because I was out of alcohol is really what the thing was. And I thought I'd get a nice rack of coats and sell them. And that used to go over in New York and L.A., you know, that was a pretty good stunt, you know, because nobody knew you or who you were and everybody's pushing around racks of something in New Yorke, you know. But here in Greeley, they seemed to know everybody who worked for them. And I wasn't one of them. So they locked me up. And I was in jail, and I had gotten out of jail. A friend of mine had bailed me out, and I hade to be back in court about, I think it was about a month or something that I had to be black in court. So I got out of the jail, and then I was drinking as usual, trying to maintain my alcohol level or whatever you want to call it. And it came a few days before I had to go back to court. And I thought, well, I better stop drinking, you know, so I don't have to just sort of be washed into the courtroom. You know, I think I better start drinking and then I'll be able to walk in there. and previously before that when I had always stopped drinking I'd get locked up and they'd throw you in a cell and you'd shake it out and whatever and you're alright in a few days well this time I stopped and the next day I found myself laying on the floor in this trailer that I was living in and I couldn't walk it was the strangest thing I just couldn't walk. I had these terrible cramps all down in my legs and stuff, and I was shaking, and I Was laying on this floor, and Ray, the fellow who had got me out of jail, Had given me a card, And another fellow I knew came down that morning Who I drank with, And he said, Jeez, you look bad, Murph. He said, Maybe we should not drink so much today. I said, well, whatever, you know. I said I think we better call these guys because they know about drinking, you know. So maybe we better called these guys and come over and visit with them. So that's what we did. We called Alcoholics Anonymous. That was the first contact that I had ever had with Alcoholics Anonymous when I was in jail. Now, it was funny. Prior to that, I was locked up in California a lot. I did a lot of things in California that I got locked up for. A lot of car thefts a lot at times. And they used to call for meetings. And I always thought they were calling for AAA meetings. You know? And I thought, why the hell would I go to something like that? I don't own the car to begin with so I never went to them things but actually what it was it was AA meetings and so I was never introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous so this was my first introduction to Alcoholic Anonymous we called these two guys we didn't know we called two guys but that's the way it happened. And these two guys showed up at the door who today are my sponsors. They have been my sponsors ever since I asked them how to ask them. You know, that's a pain in the ass. I remember one time saying that to another guy. I said, you've got to get a sponsor. I said I've got a sponsor here, this guy. And he says, you never asked me. So, you know, I mean, you're already mortified. You know what I mean? You're a loser at drinking. You're an idiot. You're not a loser of living. And now this guy wants you to ask him to... I mean they really make it tough on you in this outfit. You know. So I had to do that. Things weren't bad enough to ask this cowboy on top of that. He's a cowboy. I wore my cowboy coat tonight to be impressed. The last time I... When I first got sober, He told me that now that I was in Colorado that I should look like a cowboy, you know, and get rid of all that New York bullshit and whatever and grow a man's mustache and stuff like that. You know, and I said, well, I could do that. And I went out and bought a cowboy shirt. I bought two of them as a matter of fact, you Know. And, man, I showed up at the meeting in this one and it was blue silk. It had great big flowers on it I said, hey Bill I look like a cowboy He said, you look like A faggot This guy who loves me Says this kind of crap so tonight I knew he'd be happy with this I forgot what I was even talking about I get off on a trip sometimes I don't know where the hell I'm at but anyway when these two fellas came over to to see me by this time I was I I was flopping around. I was way beyond shaking. I was just sort of flopping around there, and I couldn't get off the goddamn floor, and I was a mess. And these two guys come in, and it was funny because this is J.D. He's such a character. He's a riot. He don't know it. He don'T even know he's funny. You know, he just says things and he cracks me up, you know. But he turns around to Big Bill, you don't know, Big Bill's standing there and I'm looking up from the floor at these guys. And J.D. says to Billy, he says, geez, look at that son of a bitch. He says, ah. He says that's one of us, isn't it? Look at him. and they were sort of impressed that I was the best and then this man reached down on the floor picked me up like I was God himself put me up on his couch gave me a pillow told me to hug it and he sent Big Bill out for some orange juice and some honey. And they sat down and started talking. They were trying to give me this orange juice and I'm throwing it on myself and Christ, I didn't get any in me. But these two guys, they sat there with me for the next three days and they would relieve each other and one would go home and do whatever and the other one would come back And they would sit there, and always I remember what they would say to me, that it was going to get better. They kept saying that all the time, it's going to give better, you know. And I'm thinking, jeez, I hope it gets better, enough. But they kept it up. The one thing I remember that they told me, they told that I never had to be in that shape again, and I never have to feel that way again. They told me that them first three days. and I didn't know then like I know today how true that is but when they told me it would get better that was a lie that was a flat lie you know because they would put me to bed and I would go into DTs and they would come in that bed and wipe me down just take care of me like I was a child You know, these kind of things, you can never forget these kind of things that people would be so kind to you just because you're a loser. You know? Isn't that wonderful? This is the only joint you can come to and people love you because you're an loser. I mean, it still amazes me. It just amazES me. But these guys stayed. And it got worse. and it kept getting worse and the DTs would go on and they would say it was getting better and I would say yeah, you know I mean what the hell do you say to these two big guys you weigh 125 pounds you know I mean what can you say so they figured after a few days we didn't know too much in them days you know about really how bad the DTs were. You know, we thought, well, you wanted to hang with the big guys? It's good enough for you, you know. That's the way we thought. You know? And you shake it out and you'll be all right. Don't do that to anybody. I've learned not to do that to anybody, you now. But then again, And, you know, it was me that did it. It was me who did it, and I wanted to. They offered to take me to a detox or whatever, and I said, no, I think I'll be all right, you know. So that's what we did. After three days, I was taken to a meeting. We went to the meeting. I was flopping around at the meeting, you know. I had no idea what the hell they were going on about, you know. But we were there. How do you like your first meeting? I said it's great, you Know. Then they figured they better get me up to Village Inn and get some more orange juice in me and stuff like that. So they get meup in the Village Inn, prop me up in a chair up there. and I do the dignified thing I have a god damn convulsion that the village did and he's saying it's getting better I mean they lie to you I want you to remember that they lie they lie in this thing so they got me to the hospital anyway and I got squared away and whatever, and got out of there. We got busy in the program of recovery. That's probably the one thing that I feel so fortunate to have these two fellows for a sponsor because they did not tell me to just keep coming back and just come here and it'll rub off on you and you don't have to do anything. They didn't tell me that at all. They told me if I was going to recover from this disease that I was gonna have to get busy and start trying to practice the program of recovery. That's what recovery is. The recovery is doing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I don't do the program of Alcoholic Anonymous, then I would come to these meetings and I would sit in these goddamn rooms and I would die drunk. And today I know that to be true. There is no way that this is going to rub off on you. No way. It just don't happen that way. We have to. I have finally realized over the years that once I threw myself into the program, that's what it took for me. I had to throw myself into this program like my life depended on it, because it did. My life did depend on it. And I was guided into these steps the minute that I was capable. I think they were talking to me about the steps the three days that they were there. I don't even remember. But as soon as I got out of the hospital, Well, that's what these fellows started to talk to me about. About, you know, let's get busy and get into this first step, you know, and I didn't even know what the hell they meant. I just didn't know what they meant, and they said it don't matter. It don't matter. I said I don't understand. They said it don't matter. We understand. And that's the way it is, see? You don't even have to understand, and you don't have to know anything. All you have to do is be willing. That's all any of us have to do. Be willing to let somebody guide us. See, in all my life I had never been able to do that. I just couldn't do that, I wouldn't allow people to help me. I just wouldn't. I was too arrogant, too prideful, too big an asshole. I don't care what name you want to put on it. It's all the same thing, you know. But I wouldn't allow people to help me. Finally, finally, when I had beaten myself down to a complete state of nothingness where I could not help myself, I finally allowed somebody else to help me and that's what we all have to do. We have to allow them to help us. God, they want to help us. You know, I mean, today I know the joy in guiding somebody into these steps and seeing them practice these things in their life and get well and then pass it on to the next one. There's a joy in that that is just words can't cover. You know? It's just a wonderful thing. and that's what these fellas did to me they got me into these steps I knew absolutely nothing thank God finally for one time in my life so I was guided into them by these fellas they would take me to meetings every night every night they would take me the meetings we would go to a different meeting here in Greeley every night we would go to with different meeting they would take me in and they would introduce me to everybody, and high end, I'd shake hands with everybody, and you're the most important guy here. And I'd say, gee, these people ain't so bad, are they? Christ, you know, they're not that dumb, you don't know. Some weird guy would come from the back and hug me and tell me he loved me. Geez, I thought, well, I could go for that too, I guess. you know but that's the way I believe that's why half of us come back I really believe that just because somebody told us to you know I really believe that you have been so many years where people say get out don't bring that mutt back here ever and these people are saying jeez come on back and you think holy shit this is great I would go back to this trailer I was living in and I would tell this fellow that I was living with these people tell me to come back they like me, shake my hand some weird guy hugged me it's not so bad but we got working the steps that was a big thing in my life I had never realized what powerless was I would go to meetings, I'd say I was alcoholic, and I thought that's what the first step was all about. I really believed that. Just because I went there and I said I was an alcoholic, I thought I took the first steps. And that wasn't so, you know, because I thoughtI had identified the problem. I was great at that, identifying it. You are looking at a man who has never identified his problem right. Never. I'm sober almost 13 years, I have never identified my problem right. It just amazes me. So I've learned the first two things that I think are absolutely wrong. Absolutely wrong. Because when I first came here, I thought that alcohol was my problem. And when Bill and JD asked me, what's your problem? I said, alcohol, that's the problem. I'm an alcoholic, it's the problem. They say, you're the problem I didn't know that. I thought all of you people were the problem and that I couldn't have any more alcohol but that's the way it was with me, you know I got mad, I thought, geez that's my problem, you know, I'm mad they said, no, you feel sorry for yourself oh Christ give me a break man I mean can't I be right one time you know but that's the way it's been and it's always been that way couple months ago I thought I needed a bunch of money I meet some bum who needs help that's what I meet some bum who needs health and I got real grief in my life a couple months ago you know I'm dealing with this I found out I'm a diabetic You know, that pissed me off. I mean that pissed me off, you know. And I meet this bum who wants to go to meetings now and get sober. I'm trying to tell him I'm a diabetic and I can't have any goddamn donuts or anything, you know. And this poor bum has only got one shoe and half of his pants hanging out and he don't care about that I'm a diabetic and I can't have any donuts you know let's go to the meeting nobody gives a shit anyway you know so I wanted to lay that on you and get some sympathy here but that's it this is just the way it is yeah I don't know I just don't knowing I and finally over the years I'm I'm glad for that I'm I'm glad I've come to realize that, you know. They just cannot identify my problem correctly. Seems like a lot of people can't. I hear people at meetings doing it all the time, you know. It was like when I first got sober. Seemed like everybody was getting sober quicker than me. Did you ever get through that? I mean, I was there six months. You know what I mean? And there was another guy there. He was only there three months. And he would get up and he would talk. They would call on me and I would say something filthy and cry. I finally went up to that guy and said, I've been here longer than you. Yeah. I thought that had something to do with it You know I don't know if anybody else ever thought that way I did J.D. gave me the book He said you look in this book You find yourself in this Book It's okay I took that book home I looked at it Looked at it I could I bought it back He said Did you find yourself In the book I said The book got no pictures In it He just looked at me Here's a girl Sponsors my wife I'm sober longer than her She was getting well Saying all kinds of spiritual stuff You know She got the god damn book Of the pictures you know he wouldn't give me one of them God love her God love her I am so fortunate that I you know that when I finally I finally gave up that's what I did I did I did give up and I know today when you do that that that is you're probably in the best place you've ever been in your whole life when you finally give up and stop struggling. I'm not saying we're going to not struggle later on in different things because I have and I'll tell you a little bit of that later on, you know but at that time at the very beginning when we just give up, if you just give up completely and say I don't know what I'm doing and let these people help you, then you're really in a better place than you've ever been. And I thank God today that that's the place I was at when I came here. Anyway, they got me into these steps. I didn't know what was going on. And finally, Bill explained to me about being powerless, that powerless was an absolute. It was an absolutely powerless. no power at all that's what that means there's no power at all it's an absolute powerlessness and that's what it means when we take our first step to admit that powerlessness that complete defeat I have no power over alcohol at all in any shape or form and not only my own alcohol but your alcohol I have no power over that and when I finally accept that in my own heart I'm ready to get on to the next step. You know, we're lucky though in AA that we got 12 steps. You know? Because God could... What if we just had three steps? You know. That you're powerless over the thing you love. You're a nut. Your life sucks. And you need some kind of God. Now, could you imagine to tell that to a new person and then just say, lots of luck? You could not even go back to the saloon with that bullshit. I mean, there's nowhere you can go with that. See, when they told me I was nuts, I thought I was nut because of all the crazy things I did. That's why I thought i was nuts. And I would go to meetings and I would listen to people. And people would say after they got drunk, they threw their wife through the window and then they went out and bought her some flowers and wasn't that nuts? You know. And the truth is that's not nuts. That's not nutsy at all. That is absolutely, completely drugged behavior. That's all that is. That's not nuts. You take enough of any drug, you'll do any weird bullshit. What is nuts is being physically sober. Being physically sober and knowing all the bullshit that you've put yourself through and your family through and everyone else and picking up another drink. That's the insanity of alcoholism. And we're obsessed with that. We're obsessed with that, and to be obsessed is to be one short. I mean, I mean that's simply what it means, you know, I'm one short, you know. How many do you need? A bunch, I need a bunch. And another one, you You know, I mean, so there's no way of satisfying something like that. See? So I finally realized, you know, I wasn't nuts because I was drunk. I was junk because I'm drunk. Because I was nuts. See, and that's what it is. See, the insanity of alcoholism returns. And we drink again. You're nuts before you drink, not after. After, you're just loaded. So it's, you know... And I had to have these things explained to me. I had them explained to because I didn't understand. I just didn't understand. And finally when they were explained to me and I did understand them and I was just excited about AA. about AA. I was excited to get on with the program and Big Bill says we're going to do a third step." I said, I already did that. He said, well, I think we ought to do a formal third step. I want to come over and do it with you, you know? I said yeah sure, you know, you want to do that, this is good with me. The guy's this big, I mean what are you gonna say to a guy like that you know so he come over one day and he he says uh we review the first couple of steps and he says i want to get our book out here and put it on the table i want to kneel down here and hold hands and say this prayer in this book i said okay i'm looking at him sort of you know whatever you know and we're holding hands we're saying a prayer and he's sort of tearing up and i'm Looking at him you know they thought well it was good you know we did it and we got up and I said hey He said, don't worry about it. We just had to do it. We just Had to Do It. Now you need to get busy and take a four-step. And he said, we'll show you how to do it. See, so there wasn't a lot of time laxed. I think these guys knew that I did not have a lot of time to be bullshitting around and waiting for months and all this other stuff before I got into this program. So they just kept guiding me right into this thing. and I went and I tried to do that four step I wrote all kinds of crazy stuff, I'm sure you all know from what you do I did that all and more but finally I wrote it all down, I went to a meeting one time and I heard this this fellow's Norwegian fellow and he came just at the right time too greely to talk. It was one of these stampedes. And he said, to save yourself a lot of bullshit on your fourth step, he said write down the three worst things in your life that you have sworn never to tell under penalty of death and torture and write them down first and it will save you about two tablets worth of bullshit. and that's what I did I wrote them down and I went over to JD's and I asked him to take my fist up with me and of course I didn't tell him them three things and I knew that he knew that I didn't tell him. But I was just too ashamed. I was just too ashamed and I couldn't do it and I went to a priest and I laid them on him and I was raised a Catholic I know they can't tell anybody you know I don't know how they put up with all that stuff but i told him you know i i just told him and i thought well good luck guy you know i hope you handle it you know because i couldn't handle it i couldn'T handle it i had lived with all that hatred you know and that's you know that was i i thought see i thought the alcohol was was the thing that was killing me you know but it really wasn't It really wasn't. It was all that hatred, you know. It was just eating away at me. Just eating away at me and it kept destroying me. And that's what hatred does. I finally learned that. That's what hate does. It destroys the hater. It just destroys you and me. I drank about it and I was just a mess. I hated everyone and everything and I didn't know what to do about it. And only by the grace of God through this program did I know finally what to do about it. When I got done with that fifth step, I was so elated. I was just so elate. I went home and I did exactly what they told me to do. I got down my book and I reviewed everything. And I did my sixth and I didn't do anything. my seventh step and I slept that night just like a baby everything, I was finally at peace with everything and everybody and I had forgiven everybody who did nothing to me but I was under the impression that they did and I'm very fortunate see, I'm very fortunate for that I had all the unjustified resentments in the world. And by doing that fourth step and taking that fifth step, and J.D. would point it out to me, you know, these people didn't do anything to me. It was all my fault. So I feel very fortunate because over the years I have sponsored many, many fellas and some of the gals, they've asked me with my wife. I don't sponsor women by myself. It's too crazy. You know, I like women. Can you imagine? You know. God, it would just be too crazy, you know. I am not that spiritually arrogant to think that I would not try to make this broad it's the way it is I hear people say oh I can sponsor women don't bother me you know I think yeah I made the 12 step call on my wife I married her oh tell me You get two sick birds together, man. Shit. They'll forget all about AA. But I have been invited in to visit when my wife would be visiting with the gals and they would share with me. God, there's so many people that do have justified resentments. I mean, because shit really did happen to them that wasn't their fault. It just wasn't there fault. And sometimes I'm sort of, I don't know, maybe off the wall when I just say, well, you know, you're still going to have to forgive it and get on with it and get along with the program. But I've learned over the years to try and have some compassion for these things that really weren't their fault. And it's harder to deal with. I finally realized that. It's very hard to deal With. So we have to sympathize with stuff like that. You know, that seems to be a bad word in AA anymore, you know, to sympathizewith. It simply means to feel with them. That's all that word means. but we've gotten so goddamn educated now we change the word to whatever the goddamn word is. Empathy. Empathy, there she knows what it is. Means the same goddamn thing but we're all educated now. Me, I got eight goddamn full years education so I use that kind of stuff too now. But what's the matter with that? What's the manner? to crawl into the heart of another and feel that pain with them. Why can't I do that? If I can't do that, there's something wrong with me. There's something radically wrong with me. I have to be able to do that today to try and to bring that love that was so freely given me and share it with this person, man. I haveと be able то do that. I'm a person who couldn't even say the word love when I got sober. I couldn't even say it. It would just stick in my throat because I had been such a shit and I had used it so badly to satisfy my own bullshit. And I couldn' t say it Today I can. I realize today that it is the answer to practice that love in spite of everything. I don't care what's happening in my life and what's going on in that time. I have to show you that I love you. My wife loves you more than I do. But I try. I try to practice that in my live today and it's been great joy in my own life. You know, I thought when I got sober just doing the things I wanted to do. You know, that was, boy, I'm sober and now I can do the things I wanted to do. And there is some joy in that too, but the great joy comes in doing the responsible thing. When I can be happy about that, then there's really some joy my heart then. And what I'm supposed to do is to reach out. That's what I am supposed to to do I get so tied down in myself sometimes. The past couple of years, for those of you who know me, Donna and I, we left here and things were tough materially. We went to Phoenix and things got tougher. That was all my thinking. And now we're in Vegas and things are tougher. And I always, always get tied up in that and I struggled. That's what I did. I struggled, I struggled and I was going to fix all that, see? And about six months ago I stopped struggling and I stopped trying to fix everything and I got back to practicing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in my life. and everything is fixed. Everything is fixed My material situation still sucks but I didn't even need it I got a job, they asked me how much I needed to get paid I told them everything you have So how much is enough for me? there's not enough. So I go to work today and I'm grateful for the few bucks that I make and I're happy with that and I've stopped demanding. You know, I don't know if any of you fall into that but I fall intothat. See, Alcoholics Anonymous, we receive all these gifts and they come boom, boom like that so quickly and an abundance of them, you know. And me being such a mutt, I make demands for more, you know. I don't understand that about myself sometimes. God has been so good to me, but yet I can demand more. Our book says we all know the difference between a simple request and a demand. I don't. I pray, and I'm calling on God like He's a goddamn waiter. Bring me this and bring me that. And I call this a prayer, and I wonder why they're not answered. And I go to the meeting and I bitch about it. Well, God didn't do it for me! that's the kind of shit I do you know I'm a human I'm sorry you know one day I'll get over that and I'll be alright you know I'll just be alright so I know I was praying you would pray at the weirdest times the weirdest places last year my stepdaughter she comes to comes to visit us in Las Vegas there and I'm to babysit. Jesus Christ, you can imagine this. I got to babysitter while her and her mother go out and I got little Trevor, my little grandson, my step-grandson and they're gone for four hours and Trevor shit himself And he threw all his stuff All over the house And he's screaming And I'm walking up and down The goddamn place Don't draw a fit Don't go crazy Don't throw a fit My stepdaughter comes in And she says Dad, his name's Trevor I said honey I wasn't talking to Trevor people don't even know when you're praying Trevor was fine it's the way I do I pray at the weirdest times you know, it just happens I get nervous especially around little children I'm here to say that I'm probably one of the most fortunate people in Alcoholics Anonymous I've got all of you right for openers so I really don't have to worry too much about anything I've a wonderful wife who loves me I believe I have the two best sponsors in the world their wives are pretty nice too I found a God that I completely depend on most of the time most of the time sometimes I don't I think we all know that feeling when we work ourselves back into that place again where we're struggling again and nothing's enough and finally we turn to God and we find out that that was enough. And that's the answer. I found that through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Am I running over? Of course I'm running over. And I'm on Las Vegas time, so I'm not running over. You're running over! I really don't know what else to say. I just want to thank everyone for having me here. I do love all of you, each and every one of you. And it's just been, it's been very nice to have you. Thank you.