The Inventory That Could Not Be Written: Willingness Mattered More Than Literacy – Ann P.

Thank you for that. My name is Chris Rayburn, I'm a very grateful, grateful recovered alcoholic. There's just nothing to do in Fort Lauderdale on a Thursday night, is there? There's got to be a slow night for recovery. It freaks me out. out. Brian called me a year ago. I book out a year, year and a half or so. And Brian calls me, would you, could you come on a Thursday night? And I said, yeah, absolutely. And I mean, I do lots of these, you know, 200 people that this is going to be raw. Geez. I walked in about five. I came in, Karen picked me up and we came in and walked through the kitchen. You know, they have these big buckets full of spaghetti. And it's like, who are y'all feeding the free homeless I mean oh my gosh I never saw so much food thanks Brian for asking me to do this anybody that had anything to do with coming up with a money and all that and I appreciate the car you bought me in the the hooker and all that. Somebody said one time, he says, gosh, you must make a lot of money with all your speaking engagements. I said, oh my gosh, it just freaks me out what people think. Anyway, and Karen picked me up, and she's promised she's going to take me back in the morning, so this is good. All the little cooker bees, I mean, that's usually where I'm at. And I'm sitting here just grinding my teeth watching this thing come together we do a little fundraiser every year for the art of a club in England was called outpost it's a little little a place over there y'all can come see it so I don't know why the hell you want to but you're more than welcome to if you wanted to but if you come see us that we do this little fundraise or you know about 200 people show up you know and I said I work for days getting all my gosh these guys you know they what a cool place this is and you guys to be be congratulated for all the little worker bees that did this. I'm watching the clock closer than y'all are because I know y'ALL have been sitting here a long time and your butts are sore and I don't want to, I'm perfectly capable once I get going of talking all night about recovery. No, I love recovery and I love AA. My life has been so enhanced by the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have learned more about life from men and women in this fellowship than you can shake a stick at. But I've got to tell you, I owe my life to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I know some of y'all don't know what the difference is because you went to a crappy treatment center. I got to say this. The pants are next. I nearly died getting to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I nearly died once I got Alcoholics Anonymous. I know a lot of y'all have heard CDs of mine and tapes and stuff, and I'm so glad you came anyway. And I know some of you have not heard me and I just need to tell you because I believe it's it's my life has just been easier since I started doing this I'm gonna be in England next week and I'm going to say the same thing before I talk and I'll I'll be an El Paso Texas that we get after that no I'll say the same thing I love this fellowship at anybody that says they're a member of this fellowship or any other 12-step fellowship I got to tell y'all I love you if I could help you in any way let me know hi I believe that alcoholism is is a fatal progressive illness, and I'm a big book thumper. And if you happen to be sitting in this room and you believe this is some kind of a self-help program and meeting makers make it, you're going to just hate this talk. And I think you probably should just get up and give your seat away to some little thumpper out there and you can go out there and smoke with the rest of them. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not here to fight with anybody or argue with anybody. I work for a treatment center. I'm in the trench I watch people die of this disease every day, you know back when I got sober and 87 back to my first I Don't look that old do I? In 87 1987 and then I started an AA in early 80s But we used to watch people dying on rooms They'd come in shake rattle and roll and scram all seizure dead And you know treatment centers have taken away that and it's a nice because our clubs stay a lot tidier without people puking everywhere but you know that but it also removed the sense of urgency and I still I still experience a sense of emergency about this I got to tell you I know the room is full of people that are the real McCoy we also have a bunch of you little imposters in here that we call little disco drunks your hard drinkers modern breakers you don't need a a you're welcome but you didn't need a spiritual experience to get sober my book says if you can get sober because you want to or because you need to you're not an alcoholic you can grind your teeth on that all you want the problem is what's happened is we've taken the very clear message that could save the ones that needed the spiritual experience and watered it down to such a place so that everybody stays comfortable there are no lusts in a yeah I believe there are a few months and I believe there's certain things that you need to do in order to get well but anyway nobody bothered to tell me that for a long time so I just think I get kind of crazy with the mix messages sometimes and we know this works I was sitting there watching CNN this afternoon returning a bunch of phone calls at the hotel room and CNN's on me the idiot place out California that's got the book for 2495 alcoholic and drug addiction cure you know and you buy this book and you can get well listen I gotta tell you I've read the book there's hard drinkers that could really benefit from this book if you're an alcoholic it'll kill you and I hope somebody sends him a copy of this we got too many people killing and alcoholics and addicts trying to be cute and clever the message is so mixed mixed it's so watered down in certain spots of the country certain spots in the world you couldn't hear the solution if your life depended on it even our own a a literature has a tendency to water the message down with some of this other we got this book in 1935 and then we seem to have published a thousand other other pieces of literature that contradict the book any of you guys like living sober me neither me neither but why do we allow it to continue to be published in our own fellowship it's a piece of crap it's comments like that that will keep me from speaking at the aa world old near my hometown and y'all are all welcome in the know you can't stay with me oh my gosh I got sober finally up in North Texas but I man I floundered around with this thing for a long time I grew up in the hill country and my My father was a drinker, was an alcoholic, and my twin brother and I caught the genetic bullet. I've got a little sister that's never had a problem, and she's a sweetheart, and a half-sister that's just as nice. I saw her drinking a little glass of wine at Christmas, and she just smiled and just swirled it around and just played with it for an hour. It drives me crazy. Are you going to drink that? You're making me nervous. It's free and there's plenty of it. Drink up. She's raised in the same family I was raised in, and it's like everybody wants to still... We're hearing less and less of this victim stuff, blaming people, but I think more and more people in the studies that have come out lately, I mean, this is genetic, folks. This is no different than being allergic to a food. And some of you guys in here that are trying to still blame mommy and daddy for not potty training you right for your alcoholism, you need to get a new line because it's not going to work for you much longer people are turning on you you know they're not laughing with you now they're laughing at you nobody likes a victim I got to tell you guys this is genetic I mean it's just like come on did I get our external circumstance exacerbate the problem you dadgum right oh absolutely that's why I'm a biggest fan of therapy you can you can throw a stick at that's what I'm great fan of good sponsorship that can help us walk through that stuff but let's stop blaming my external stuff for For why I drink too much. This is not some kind of self-help program. I want to tell you right now folks. Unapologetically I'm going to say from the podium. This is a spiritual program of action. Period. You don't have to believe. To be a part of this. But you're not going to get much out of it if you don't. In something. You'll follow? follow? You should see some of your faces. Looks like you just got bitch slapped. Guys, the program is as open and roomy as you can be. And I need to say that right off the bat. You can believe in Mr. Magoo if you want, but you're going to believe in something other than yourself in order to get well from this thing. I got to say this. Somebody asked me the other day, I don't care how you work the steps. I'm a big book thumper from hell. And i believe, i think the closer that we adhere here to the big book that's what we're supposed to do y'all follow the better the results of that but you know guys if your sponsors got you doing it this way or that way or which I don't care just do it the biggest problem that we have in our fellowships today all of our fellowship is that we're allowing people to take their time to work the steps and if you're a wonderful individual in this fellowship and the best information that you can give them a newcomer advice is slow down take your time you didn't get sick overnight you're not going to get well overnight you need to shut up we're burying people that you've helped every day i don't know what to tell you there's a race now listen here it is listen because i get emails from all over the world here i'm going to get something from this crowd i can guarantee my sponsor had me do one step a year and i'm still over 30 years rock on I'm so glad it worked for you loser but the other cat that's the real alcoholic guys are the real before he's not gonna be able to stay sober that long when the obsession to use comes back what do we do we drink we're not gonna think through the drink we're not gonna remember our gorsky relapse workbook grid and go we're just gonna go to the crack house and stop by a bottle of booze in the home god the real mccoy bill wilson and in the big book over and over he talks about the real alcoholic the real alcoholic i hear people at meetings all the time want to dismiss that what's this real alcoholic I'm an alcoholic if I say I'm a alcoholic you can call yourself up a duck for all i care but it doesn't mean that you're a duck y'all follow you gotta have certain symptoms to be a duck i tell you feathers and webbed feet are one of them you've got to have certain symptomsto be an alcoholic let me tell you what they are you've gotta have a physical different that differentiates us from normal people this physical allergy that the book talks about called craving can you guarantee me how much you're going to drink every time you drink or sometimes when you start does it get away from yeah and you just drink a ticket ticket yeah puke straight up yeah and then you may control it and hold it together for a short period of time maybe for weeks and months and then they'll come another time you'll be out in the backyard puking straight up big we got a craving going on here my first wife used to say you just seem to be so thirsty all the time because i like coca-cola but i've I've never drank a 12-pack in an afternoon, not once. There's a craving, something that kicks in with the alcohol. Okay, so you combine that with this thing called a mental obsession. It's the most controversial stuff that we talk about. This thing called the mental obsession on page 24, it says, We have lost the power of choice in drink. You with us? These patients, they come to the hospitals, and I'm in the industry, and I mean, I'm around it all the time. They say, you know, if you go to like the beginner, the little primary group, and they start to explain the disease concept to you know alcoholism and drug addiction is a disease and you're not a bad person you're sick person and here's what I mean and then you start to feel a little bit better about this oh you mean it's not oh well it's like there's nothing like you with us and then you go to your first group and they say well now so Chris tell me why do you drink good because I'm an alcoholic oh well yeah I know that but tell me why you drink you follow absolute rubbish absolute crap if I knew why I drank boat I'd change it that's what I spent ten years in therapy trying to do that's when I think my first seven years and they ain't trying to do which Which changed my external world so there would be nothing for me to drink over. How frustrating for some of us that are the real McCoys and you've got some idiot in the meeting saying that you've Got a choice whether you're going to drink or not. I got up this morning, I was in Houston, Texas last Saturday in a 10 o'clock meeting and a guy in the back said, I gotup this morning and I chose not to drink. Did you? No kidding. Well, I got up and chose to stay on the spiritual path. Does that count? But that's not what he said. He said he can choose to drink. If you can choose To Drink and choose not to drink, you're not one of us, period. I get caught in these mental blank spots. This is what the book is trying to talk about. You'd be surprised how many people out there don't understand that. This is why alcoholics die, folks. Our judicial system in the United States is built around punishment. You with me? You keep drinking until we put you in jail a few times and then you wake up one day and say I don't want to do that anymore and you know what you do if you're a hard drinker or a problem drinker you put the plug in the drug and you're done period bye bye now what do we do we get the third DWI and go to jail and then get back out and drink some more y'all understand talking to a friend of mine high school friend of my that I went to school with he's working at the little minute market there where I work in that little town where I'm at and I saw him I said buddy how you doing I said I heard you had some trouble he said yeah I went to jail for my third DWI. And I said, buddy, listen, three blocks from here is our AA club. Why don't you come to meetings with us? It's like he was my childhood friend. Come to meetings mit us. He says, no, I figured out the problem. My solution is right out there. He's got a bicycle chained up against the... I said buddy, you're going to freeze your butt off. What do you mean? I'm going to tell you, you ain't going to get laid like that. That's a fact. I don't know what to tell you. Makes perfect sense to him. He doesn't have a drinking problem, he's got a driving problem. Wow. I went to Houston and was in an apprenticeship program. I was a cook for a long time and did pretty well in holding it together. I was like so many of you guys in this room that I've talked to. I know a bunch of you for years in here. Thanks for coming. but I a lot of us in here what we call functioning alcoholics we got nipped we got the disease didn't progress far enough to drop us in a toilet at a real young age some of you guys I've seen it just looks like she's you're not even shaving yet you're already in trouble with this that's like man you got screwed let me literally a lot of us old geezers had a little period of time where it actually works for us you know we got to enjoy it a little while but I gotta tell you for most of us that That enjoyment period was pretty small, you know. And it's like, it works and it's great. We have this little workbook at the hospital where I work. And one of the questions is, do alcohol and drugs work for you? And everybody looks around. They think it's a trick question. They say, no. On top of being an alcoholic and addict, you're a liar. Of course it worked for you. Why in the heck would you put up with so much crap to get it? Unbelievable. We have a period where it works. And then we have a time when it doesn't work. We have another period where if it works but it's pain in the butt. And then we have a period, like the book talks about, where it's just a pain in the butt. You with us? And that's where a lot of us end up coming to AA for the first time or going to try to take treatment because it stops being fun. I mean people just think we're partying our butts off. But, you know, end-stage alcoholism and drug addiction is pretty tragic to watch. It's just not – you really don't want to, and you can't not do it. And you're in the grips of a fatal illness, and it offends me when people want to try to portray it like some kind of behavioral problem it's just not and I was trying to save the marriage in early 80s I got married moved to Denton Texas trying to say by myself and and I was drinking and it was not going well and I ended up going to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and there was an old geezer in there, and I think he was old. I couldn't see him. There was one light in the room, and he was in an easy chair laid back. I thought he was dead. You know these bulbs that come down like psycho, you know? And that's exact. And he was in there. He said, I walked in, and it was like pitch dark except for this one bulb down there you know and he says do you have a desire to stay sober yes he said welcome that was it that was the extent of my qualifying for the next seven years Jesus we're so concerned about membership what about qualifying somebody find out if they're really dying with fatal progressive illness called alcoholism what a gift we can give the newcomer what a gift know what you busy worried about membership do you have a desire to quit drinking your memory thank you put it out in the basket my book we went around the room that night introduced ourselves and there's some people in there and there was a lady in there whose husband drank and husband wasn't there but the wife was there she wanted to talk about her husband's drinking. So we spent an hour talking about that. And I left and I said, Benny, I'm glad I'm not in that household because the boy, that guy's a real McCoy. You with me? And I went back down and opened a quart of beer. I'd started before I went to the meeting and I finished it off and I went on home. And it was to do that for the next seven years, in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every time my butt would come unraveled, I'd go back into AA and they would give me the same stuff. We would do two things. I'm going to belabor it tonight. Most of y'all know how I feel about open disgusting meetings. meetings. We're going to do two things in our meetings. I'm going to tell you, it turns out from a minor survey here is that that's the most controversial thing I say from the podium. That's the thing that pisses the most people off because you love open discussion meetings. You love coming and talking about your day. I am so cool with that. Do we have to do it seven days a week? That's all I'm asking. The newcomer needs a place to come talk about their day. I agree with that the book suggests one day a week what a concept I'll give you three how's that and we can take four and do it our way which is to study the literature you think we're gonna get a chance to do that nope because we're too busy listening to your stupid war story or listen to you talk about your bad day come on guys we just talked about this we just talked about the little brother just read before we have some things called called traditions what's our primary purpose the traditions don't say to stay sober the tradition say our primary purposes to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffering what's the message we're supposed to carry 12 steps it's not our experience strength and hope that's what I'm supposed to do I'm supposed to share my experience drink and hope with you no that's not your primary purpose you can grind your teeth if you want I'm in a eight or seven seven years and nobody will say hey you little arrogant piss ant why don't you work the 12 steps no they didn't do that all they did with me was keep coming back and i and i get to listen to all the little the little how many of you guys have ever sat in a meeting and and and watched some of the elders in the group getting a pissing contest in the meeting well my sponsor said be fearless and thorough from the very start this guy's rolling his eyes back over here hey listen we didn't get sick overnight we're not going to get well overnight easy does it take it out they always take it our context isn't that's not what they're talking about you with me rush through the steps take your time to work the steps you can't work with anybody until you've been sober a year first days of convalescence my book says you better be working with somebody if you're going to get out of your head and stay well what what I don't know what to do don't worry about this guide step you better have a spiritual experience what am i doing we were given the solution it's called the 12 steps it's called the big book of our parts anonymous the instructions were listed in here if we did if we do this this thing called a spiritual experience is guaranteed to happen the obsession to use is going to go away, no matter what your circumstances, and you're going to be on some solid ground. Why would anybody in this fellowship think it was okay to tell somebody differently than that? Who in the hell died and left you king of the universe that you could rewrite the program ad lib because it sounds better coming out of your funny mouth? Feel pretty strong about it, Chris? Yeah, I do. Come on, guys. I'm in AA for seven years. everybody wants to take exception with that oh surely somebody told you it no they didn't they hugged my neck and told me to keep coming back and I don't think a single person in those rooms in seven years every not one of them wanted to hurt me not one have been tried to hurt me they were so afraid of hurting my sensitive little feelings that they wouldn't tell me the truth what do we got to sell buddies what are we what do got to selling this room in this in this in this fellowship in this program is the 12 steps and necessary spiritual experience and if we're not going to talk about that in our meetings why are we here a is not therapy we've got the traditions that tell us that we have a singleness of purpose the singleness the purposes help the alcoholic in the room stay sober you with us I've said this from a thousand podiums you can go into any group in Texas when we watch that single as a purpose you get one of those crackheads come in there and start talking about the pipe and all that and then somebody like excuse me this is This is Alcoholics Anonymous. We have singleness of purpose here. They'll shut him down in a heartbeat and listen and have every right to do it. Okay, nobody wants to argue that. And then the next person starts to share, well, listen, my grandkid, let me tell you what he did. And we're going to listen for 20 minutes about your grandkidd that I know you love. You tell me the difference. The 20-year-old kid in the back is drinking himself spitless that came in here to try to get well. You with me? We're not going to talk about the dope, but we're going to talk about your grandkid. Oh, he can really relate to that. We applaud and then we go straight back to our meetings and don't change the formats and continue to allow it until the cows come home. Well, we need a place to share. Yeah, we do. It's called a picnic table out front. I can't get sober, and I leave AA. I promise I'm never going to go back. And I'm seeing a therapist, in fact, I'm seen a bunch of them for a 10-year period. Every time I go to another therapist, they give me another pill, and it's not bad. You can ride it your life. And I've been doing this for a long time. I'm working for my brother up in North Texas, and thank God for family. and they've got me coast my sister-in-law co-signed for a little apartment for me in Louisville Texas and I pick up a stack of return checks one night and I go up to my little apartment by myself and the depressions kick in my butt big book talks about a thing called we've got a two-part illness the physical and mental but underneath it all is this thing called the spiritual malady the spiritual malady untreated alcoholism and unmanageability are all the same and that's what ties us all together the little 19 year old kid in the back and a 90 year old geezer and the black person and the gay person Yankee and it didn't make any difference with all of us when we get down inside and start talking about what's going on inside I think we can all relate and that's the thing that we don't seem to talk enough about we talked about the drama but we don' t talk about what I'm dying of untreated alcoholism and I'm drinking people think that go into meetings and not drinking will treat I'm going to tell you something, folks. It won't. And I watch a lot of people dry for years, walk out in the backyard and shoot themselves because they're so uncomfortable in their skin. We're seeing an epidemic in this country of people relapsing after long periods of sobriety because they go to a doctor just simply because they feel so lousy inside because they've stopped working the 12 steps. Y'all understand? The same disease that brought them to our fellowship 17 years before, the disease is killing them now because they stopped doing the work. In the hospital where I work, we have this influx of old geezers coming back in, good sobriety, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, 15 years. We just had a guy leave with 22 years of sobriete. Every single one of them that comes back in I ask them the same question. Hey buddy, let me ask you a question. How many people were you sponsoring when you relapsed? none excuse me but my book right up in the very front says you cannot survive the certain trials and low spots ahead unless you work with others who in the hell do you think you are 15 years ago when I started at that hospital we would maybe get one or two of those people in a community a month and I bet you we've you've got 15, 20 people in there right now that had 10 years or more and lost it. Most of those around a prescription pad where they went to a doctor to get something to treat that internal discomfort. You follow? I could hit this for an hour, folks, and piss everybody off. I'm not gonna. I'm just telling you, we're watching an epidemic with the prescription pads and people thinking that it's okay to do that. Well, at least I'm like drinking one day at a time. Yeah, but you can't eat breakfast because you're so loaded on sleep medications. What do you call that? I'll tell you what I call it, crappy sobriety. I'll take a look at you. I'll say what I'd call it dishonest sobrietry. I have a sleep disorder. No, you don't. You have a conscience that's driving you crazy because you are not working the steps anymore and you are taking care of a night's 10th step and 11th step on a regular basis. y'all down with that well wish you could stand up here and watch how many of you got uncomfortable I don't care I don t care good it's worth the trip over here to make some of you uncomfortable get off dead center I'm taking seven pills a day and I am dying you follow the depression so thick is choking me and I can't figure out what's wrong and they can't figure out what's wrong and I'm anxieties and the fear with me and I picked up those return checks and I went to the back and I laid them on the counter and I fed the ferrets and I want to the medicine cabinet I took a couple of bottles of pills out and tried to commit suicide I'm just I'm done guys I've got everything I could possibly do I've tried a a didn't work you follow didn't worth the steps but I tried meetings that's all you told me to do meeting makers make it I tried the church didn't work I tried therapy it didn't were I tried colonics I'm gonna tell you that your complexion will absolutely blow I heard a voice about the time I got those pills in my stomach I heard the voices I'd swallowed those pills I heard a voice that said don't do this go back to AA and I and I'm arguing with the boys because I don't want to do this I am sick and tired of this I'm not I ain't going anywhere have a sex change I'll consider that but I'm NOT going back to AA if I have to listen one more stupid war story I'm gonna puke don't do this, go back to AAA three times at night I lay down on the bed I made myself sick and laid down next morning I heard the voice one last time and I got I got up and I called the doctor, and I went to work. And I got some doggy downers at lunch, and I'm detoxing at work. And I promised I'd go back to AA. Years before, some guy had 12-stepped me, and he showed me where this meeting was. It was a little nest of big book thumpers. It wasn't a very popular meeting at the time. Y'all follow? You know, every city's got the disco, the big pickup place where all the people get dressed up and come down and strut their stuff. This wasn't that place. and but and I wasn't gonna go because he said don't go in there unless you're unless you want to learn about the book unless you want to seek a power greater than yourself because these guys don't mess around so I was like but I was right in late and I was feeling pretty sick and it was on my way home and so I stopped at this meeting and I walked in the back door and sure enough everybody in the place had a big book on their lap you know long haul and everybody was smoking six or seven cigarettes sticking out of the mouth I tell you us smokers we ruined it for the new guys I'm so sorry we sure did and now and I'm walking in and they're laughing and you know how self the term is hyper vigilant have y'all ever heard that it's like I'm so in tune with what you think about me it's called selfish and self-centered to the core is what it's called so the big book calls it and um uh that was my big deal for years i'm suffering from depression no it just sounds better than i'm full of self-pity y'all understand my problem with self- pity wasn't okay so i um i walked into this deal and everybody's laughing and i you know i wish i could do a proper visual i've tried it i just i got a bunch of weight on me it's all kidney damage and liver damage and and I'm yellow. I mean, I'm not... Hair down to here and a big full beard. I mean I've... And of course this patch which is never on straight. You know, it's always kind of crooked. You don't know if it's a patch or an earmuff. I used to be so sad. I couldn't get laid back in those days with two pockets of cocaine. I don't even know how to explain to you how bad i still look bad now but i mean anyway they um they're laughing just like we're doing in here now they're all having a good time and i'm feeling all of a sudden really self-conscious and i mean about 10 feet and i stop and i says i can't do this i need to go home and detox a while and i'll go back later you know what i'm saying one more time I'm gonna set myself off the promises I made to God the night before have just gone out the window bye-bye and I'd I start to back out in this little girl got between me and the door stuck a finger in my belt she said sit down cowboy and I talked to a bunch of you tonight that remind me of a mean little 19 year old girl and you know how God was if it had been you I've just whipped your button left you know some guy I mean I about to die too but I mean I mean, a little 19-year-old girl? I mean take your breath away. She wasn't off at some little young adult meeting talking about young adult things, you know. She was in mainstream AA trying to help another drunk. Makes me want to cry thinking about it. She grabbed me and she sat me down in the chair and I'm just kind of looking at them. They got some paper towels and started cleaning up my spilled coffee which immediately did. And they went around the room that night. The chairperson took charge of the meeting. What a concept You got a guy sitting in the meeting That reeks of alcohol And looks like death warmed over And obviously in the throes of detox And we're not going to do A little sunbeam for Jesus meeting We're going to talk about how Our lives have changed as a result Of working the steps Now that was a quote from the chairperson Not Tell us about how you got here oh god please don't do that I've spent seven years and you're listening how you got here I don't care I want to show hands in here everybody talks about you gotta find somebody you identify with let me ask you a question how many one-eyed people in this room eat out of dumpsters ate out of dumpsters. Anybody in here? One. Rock on, brother. Where were you 21 years ago when I needed you? Come on. Y'all understand this? From the podium, tell that story. Absolutely. Out there with a one-on-one and a 12-step call, you better be armed with that story if you're going to help anybody. Y'll follow? Guys, we're in a meeting. We're here. We got got the little guys there in detox they're coming into our meetings they don't need to hear another stupid story you need to here's some solution these guys got hold of me and wouldn't let me go and I mean they went around a room and they shared stuff that I could understand they talked about getting their credit cards back they talked getting married they talked about buying a house you'll follow guys all of my stuff was gone I'm done I'm I'm less than 24 hours away from a suicide attempt. Those people in that room gave me the one thing that I needed worse than anything, and that was hope. You'll follow? They collectively, 20 or 30, 40 people inthat room, pulled their heads out of their butt and stopped worrying about their day and started worrying about my day. We play lip service to this newcomer's the most important person, but you're not going to stop your stupid domino game when the little new guy comes in the door to go over and introduce yourself. we have a tendency in our meetings to get real cliquish I'm guilty we've got to remember what this is about those people took me under their wings and they said buddy come on and that guarantee they pulled me with a vision at the end of a meeting the old geezer asked me if I was ready to stay sober for good and for all he didn't say let's stay sober one day at a time He says, I can show you how to not drink for the rest of your life. Permanent sobriety. And it clicked. Click. Y'all follow? Power greater than myself. He hugged my neck that night. They followed me home to make sure I made it. And the next day they followed me back to the meeting to make sure I'm made it and we went to a 10 o'clock meeting in the the morning and visited a little bit. And after that, we went in the back room and they asked me if I had a problem with God. And I said no. And they finished qualifying me. They made sure that I was a real McCoy as an alcoholic. I qualify for a bunch of fellowships and they qualified me control and choice those two words. And we got on our knees and did a third step prayer. And I got up and felt different. And when we went to lunch and came back and they gave me a notebook and they said, buddy, let's start working on that old four step. And i said, well, i don't know what It seems kind of complicated. He said, I don't worry about it. I'll show you how to do it. We're going to do a column at a time. Just go list the people that you hate. Can you do that? I think I can do that. Two weeks later, I've got a completed four-step ready to do a fifth step. These guys are teaching me how to pray and meditate. They're teaching me on how to take a daily inventory on 10-step stuff. Big, I'm sitting on the tailgate of my truck and it dawns on me the obsession to drink is lifted. Those guys had me busy from sunup to sundown at that little AA club. You'll follow? Chris, we've got a newcomer here. Just so happens we've Got an opening on the cleanup committee. Oh, no, no. No. See this desire chip, buddy? I am the most important person here, remember? I told you, guys, I'd been around AA for seven years. I was dangerous. I knew every one-liner, every way to get out of something, I knew how to do. you'll follow they wouldn't let me do that they grab hold of me and said buddy we come on let's go and they had me doing that they had to answer the phone they had be busy it's still my advice today with the guys I sponsor you find a job in a a and you'll stay sober if you're sitting in a for a period of time and you haven't found a job yet I'm gonna tell you this you're not going to stay around you're nothing to stick because you'll begin to think this is is about you. And it's not. It's about the cat that's going to miss the whole deal unless you go get it. I sat on that tailgate with tears in my eyes because I knew that the obsession had gone. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't want to do dope. I didn' t want to drink alcohol. I did' n't want put anything in my system that changed the way I felt. Two weeks in, been in AA for seven years and never once lost the obsession. Why? I never got off my butt and did anything except go to a stupid meeting worst piece of advice that we can give it to any newcomer is 90 meetings in 90 days if that's the best you can muster shut up what why don't you just tell them the truth tell him i don't have time to mess with you but this guy over here will and then leave I don't know where that crap came from but it's not AA, it's Not in the Book we've got too many people in this room folks that have lives that are busy, that have kids that have jobs, they can't be in a meeting every damn day some of us retired people can do that some of those people that are set up go to 120 meetings in 90 days for God's sakes if you want to but I'm telling you, if you come into this fellowship and you think the meetings are going to fix you you're wrong, you're not You may stay sober for a while But you're not going to get the peace and the power That we're talking about That's what I want I see too many people in AA miserable But at least I'm not drinking One day at a time Jeez Rock on Don't you all smell more? these guys had me do the work quick and they showed me how to start sponsoring other people they didn't turn me loose they taught me how to teach y'all understand that and they stood right there with me you're brand new and you need to know something about this let's let you chair a meeting we're not going to turn them loose and 40 people in a meeting and this brand new little 30 day sober person I'm going to sit right there with you and I'm gonna show you how to chair how the hell are they going to learn if we don't show them somebody comes up and ask them to sponsor sponsor. They're up to the ninth step. They can take somebody up to the ninth steps. Stop telling people they can't work with newcomers. There's a window, I gotta say this and wrap this down, there's a window of opportunity out there folks. There's guy down here in Florida someplace, a guy named William White. He wrote some great stuff. Slaying the Dragon is one of the books he wrote. Great piece of literature. And this guy, I'd love to hug his neck sometime but he wrote this, he talks about this window of opportunities. Now at AA we call it the pink cloud. You little knuckleheads come in here and you get excited about... How many of y'all remember that? You got here and he's like god damn i didn't have to do anything and i feel great you know and it's like and it okay but we make fun of it call it a pink cloud what it is is god's grace and there's a thing with all of us we're going to have this little window of opportunity when things start clicking and we start feeling better this is the time we're supposed to finish the work not sit on our ass We miss the opportunity So we wait until the obsession comes back And it's kicking their butt And then we tell them it's time to do a fourth step It's too late then They're not going to do it In 1965 65 I'm 66 My father was drinking himself spitless And we lived in a pretty tense environment there for a while But beautiful, nice family There's a lot of love there I've got an identical twin brother And I'm sitting down on the back porch We have a picnic table out there where pops used to drink and I'm out there by myself in a big old full moon out on Boat Creek Road. It's as country as it gets, amen? And I'm sitting there and it's dark and I'll never forget sitting there crying because nobody's around. You know, we live in one of those houses where there's three people in every bedroom and there's no privacy. But I'm outside and I don't know why but I'm not there by my self in that beautiful hill country air and I, and I am crying because I, I feel so worthless. Everybody's planning where they're going to go to college and what they're going to do when they grow up, and I just feel so empty. You with me? I'm 14 years old. I'm not going to have a drink for three more years, and the first thought of suicide crosses my mind. I'll never forget it. Summer, full moon, I would be better dead. This is not normal. Welcome to untreated alcoholism. At 17, I finally found some booze that saved my life. Fast forward 1987. 1987, I just come back in. I'm getting sober. And I've got my pens on the ground pretty good and I got a few months in and I'm over at this other group and I am helping this old geezer wash cups at the end of a meeting. He's an old guy. He's like some of the guys. He must have had 30 years then. I don't know how he was old. I never intended to get this old. Do you all understand that? Oh, jeez. And then you old guys that didn't tell me about this hair stuff. Now, listen, I got to tell you, this hair is growing out of the side of my ear like this. When were you going to tell me? about this like a damn antenna this old geezer was up there okay his name is ML and he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to see this guy's you know like I said 30 years and he washing cups and up out there everybody else is downstairs they're smoking and chasing women in it and I I'm up here I'm fascinated with these old guys there he's talking to me about archives and about the history of of Alcoholics Anonymous and I can't get enough of this stuff. And I'm just talking. He turns around like this and he takes his little glasses off and he wipes them and I see that he's got tears in his eyes. I said, buddy, what's wrong? He says, Chris, I just gotta tell you. I says, I haven't told you this before now and I've been negligent but I gotta tell your point blank. I say, buddy, it's so good to have you here with us. And i gotta tell ya, we need you in AlcoholicsAnonymous. We need you at this group. We need yo in AA. I've told this story a thousand times. Now listen, we need you as light years different from keep coming back. It works if you work it. Because I'm going to end with this. I'm gonna tell you now point blank, please. I know I come across as preachy with some people and I apologize. That's not my intention, but I am passionate about recovery. And I'm telling you what I've seen in my 21 years of sobriety. I've seen that my perception that some of us were going to be very strong 12-steppers and some of us were not was crap. My perception was so skewed that I believed that only a few of us could affect other people. What I got to see when I got here and stayed was that it took every person in the room to make this thing work, that everybody's not going to hear it from me. they're not going to hear it from the little white person in the back you're not gonna hear it but there's somebody in this room that's gonna hear it from you and we got too many people sitting on their butts waiting for this miracle to take place you come to these meetings to be helped what you need to understand is that you're here to help everybody Everybody, nobody gets let off the hook. You're 16? Thank you. Thank you for staying because we've got another 16-year-old coming your way. You're an old geezer. You're picking up chips and you're wondering if it's worth. Yes, it is because you've got a bunch of us behind that don't have a clue what it's. Guys, I know how to stay sober 21 years. Anybody want to know how do it? I'll help you stay sober. 21 years, I don't know how. I don' t have a clue how to say so over 22 years. number one email I get from all over the world is women looking for women sponsors there are lots of sober women in AA there are very few women that understand the program of Alcoholics Anonymous they can tell you the best place to buy scented candles at Bed Bath & Beyond I'm sorry but they have a little problem telling you how to Get off the fourth step and make the amends so you'll stop being a victim and having the same dang relationships over and over. Does that make sense, guys? Everybody in the place gets to help because here's why. I'll end with it. Here's why, because every single one of us, look at the past. Look around this room. There's over 1,000 people in this room Look at the paths that brought us all here together today. Oh, my God. that the stuff some of us got we got here through treatment centers we got there some of this just walked it off the street but regardless the history that brought us here the internal condition stuff yes we can all identify with that but that that story that identification piece is what makes this thing so great it's what makes things so you think you can't help anybody how How can I help anybody? I can't even help myself. Oh, my God. Y'all understand that? That is ridiculous. Because you aren't with the story about yourself and the information in this book, you can change somebody's life. Go find you somebody to sponsor. Get your butt over to one of these halfway houses or recovery houses and listen to a fifth step and get involved in somebody else's life, and I guarantee you, you'll have a whole hell of a lot less on your plate to worry about. Because that's how God works it. You give, and God takes care of your stuff. That's what the circle around this whole thing is about. That's why we're here today. That's not what it's about. We don't have enough people in the trenches, folks. We've got a lot of people sitting on the sidelines taking shots. You with us? You'll hear it tonight. Go to any Denny's within a 10-mile radius of this place, and somebody will be in there taking our inventory. Well, I don't know about that little one-eyed guy. I don'T know why he's so hot, heavy, and all hot and motherly. people say well you shouldn't care i do care because i don't want to air it but but but i've seen the miracle i've seen how it goes you ate the connection and all of a sudden two people are sober not one stupid day at a time for keeps and we'll take a tide on this thing folks i'm honored to be in an industry where we try to help get people sober but treatments about discovery treatment will help you get your feet on some solid ground it will detox you but that's not what recovery is recoveries out here we need to take our meetings back we need to change our formats we need to do some literature based meetings and I got to tell you guys like always got cards and pass them out if you guys use emails if I can ever help you carry that message in any way if I could help you give you some literature show you in the book with the stuff I'm talking about, man let's stay together. That's the coolest thing about this fellowship. I love every single one of you. Thanks for letting me share. Applause That's pretty good, huh? Woo! Okay. A few last items here. We had 900 people gather here for $900. So we have $900. Before we leave, a couple of quick things. One, thanks again to St. Bonaventure, the Thursday Night Study Group, for putting this together. People who read tonight, Kevin, Roy, the people who did the chips, Kevin and Tony and the medallions. Thanks to the archive folks for bringing out the archives. Obviously, thanks to Chris. Listen, there will be an MP3 available on XA Express or xaspeakers.org free within the next few days. If you'd like to join us in the Lord's Prayer, we can do that now. Why don't we all try to just hold hands with somebody close by and we'll do that. Close the meeting. You want to get in on the Lord'S Prayer? I got it. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. people, for thine is the kingdom, the power, and all the glory forever and ever. Amen. Amen. Okay, one quick, one last item. We have a friend Jeff here as a police officer who's going to help us tell us how to get out of here in an orderly manner. Hi everybody. I just wanted to let everybody know there are several ways out of Western so depending on which way you're going, if you're going to go back west west, out toward Weston. The best way to go is out the back gate of that parking lot that most of you are in. There's a back gate that'll take you on to 14th Street and then you can just go straight out west. If you have to go north, when you come out of that Parking Lot, you can go down the road along the school and down to the northern driveway. That'd be a little easier to get out and I'll be at the center one trying to direct people as best I can. Thank you Jeff, and if you would, anybody is welcome to help us clean up and get this all put away. If you're not going to be helping clean up or get this all put way, go ahead and move on out. Thank you for your service. Thank you. Have a great night. Thanks for tonight. Absolutely. No question. It was great, wasn't it? Good guy.